soos_mite_ah

IDK maybe it's just me but one time I had this realization that a lot of people's personalities, including my own, comes up in very early childhood as some form of survival given the social dynamics in our area and because that happened really early on, so early that most people don't remember it, people just assume that their personality and ego is this fixed thing. That can lead to the conclusion that a VERY large percentage of our personality is learned and shaped by socialization meaning personality being biological isn't as big of a factor. One of the reasons why personality can seem biological is because a lot of people are mainly exposed to their biological parent's growing up in very early childhood and as a result they pick up different mannerism and attitudes early on. I think I remember taking a psychology class where we talked about nature vs. nurture when it came to personalities and while it isn't a clear cut answer, the data heavily supports nurture, while nature can have an impact as well, albeit small. Even if you get adopted kids who were adopted as babies, when they grow up, they are more likely to take on the habits and personalities of their adoptive caretakers rather than their biological parents. There was a really interesting experiment I remember having to learn about that involved these identical twins (meaning there was some form of control in the variable of genetics) who were separated at birth. One twin grew up as a Nazi in Nazi Germany and the other grew up as a Jew. Then years later when they were like 70, they had to meet each other and they had completely different personalities because they had completely different life experiences. But there were some aspects that they had eerie similarities. When they sat down for breakfast, they buttered their toast the exact same way to the point where they looked like they were in sync. There were a couple other really small similarities regarding their habits where they were in sync, I can't remember them off the top of my head, but the overall conclusion was that there is a biological component to habits and personality but they are incredibly small and don't perpetuate beyond shallow little habits. ****Also side note, I don't think this was the intent or assumption of this thread or original question but I would be very careful with attributing genetics to personality and/or ego development. There are certain parts of the world that is less evolved on the spiral and a lot of it has to do with the sociopolitical infrastructure of that area instead of it being inherent to the people living there. The reason I want to make this environment/ socialization vs. genetics distinction is because attributing a large chunk of people to a personality and/or ego development can easily spiral into racist ideology with the assumption that certain groups of people all similar personalities or that certain groups of people are less psychologically developed than others. Again, I don't think that the original question had any undertones of this but all I'm saying is that the attitude of personality and ego development being attributed to genetics can be taken to a very unhealthy extreme.

I think that whatever spiral stage a large amount of people can get stuck in has to do with the time, place, and environment they grew up in. Don't underestimate how powerful the socialization process can be. That said, socialization is behavioral, not genetic. You can socialize someone to be more open minded or not but a lot of that needs to be handled in childhood since it's one of those things that becomes formed and solidified early on. If people would be genetically programmed to a spiral stage, there would be less moving up the spiral in the collective level. The vast majority of the people hundreds of years ago were blue and below and we all have ancestors from that time. Would that mean we all have genes that hold us back to stage blue and below? And while biology and personality coincide, I feel that it is necessary to emphasize that correlation does not equal to causation. One way to interpret biology an personality coinciding can be that biology creates your personality. Another way to interpret this is that personality creates biology. Being exposed to something for a long period of time, whether it is something as physical as toxic substances or being exposed to toxic people, can physiologically have an impact on us but that doesn't mean that biology caused said impact if that makes sense. I know what I said might be confusing and I apologize if I didn't find the best words to articulate what I'm trying to say. If you have questions regarding what I mean, I understand and I'm open to answering.

Counting Calories When I searched up how many calories was in the flatbread for my last post, I was shocked by how many calories there were (730 calories). I don't usually count calories because I tend to get carried away but I know I have this habit where whenever I go to a restaurant or fast food place, I tend to check the calories and get an option based on that, usually in the 450-650 calorie range. I know this has to do with the time when I restricted calories a lot and to a certain extend, I'm nervous about eating too many calories because I'm afraid that is going to mess up my weight. But it's like, if someone ate 730 calories for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, they would have eaten 2190 calories which is average for a lot of adults. I guess part of me is conditioned by diet culture to not eat more than 1400-1600 calories per day just to maintain my weight. I know this isn't the healthiest mindset because the amount of calories you need can be determined by a lot of factors. But even then, 1400-1600 calories isn't enough for most people if they aren't trying to lose weight. I guess again because of conditioning, I have been conditioned to think that if I ate that much I will be huge and as a result my metabolism adapted accordingly. I have linked videos regarding this phenomenon earlier in this journal but I will be including them again because they are soo sooo sooooo applicable to this post in particular.

1/1/2021 Food Diary Lunch: Gluten free Margherita Flatbread: I got this flat bread from Schlotzsky's. It had mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce on a thin crust and was topped with roasted tomatoes, basil, and balsamic glaze. I got this because I was craving pizza for like 2 weeks now and I didn't feel like going all out and getting a loaded pizza. I really liked it. My favorite part was the roasted tomatoes paired with the fresh basil, so much to where I went home and later that day learned to make some on my own so that I can use them as salad or pasta toppers. I just love cooked tomatoes in general and how sweet they can get. The balsamic glaze gave the flatbread some sweetness and a little bit of sourness which I really liked. I was ok with the mozzarella. Normally I'm a huge fan of cheese but ever since I addressed my cheese cravings, they kinda became alright. It felt refreshingly different having mozzarella cheese again after a long time but it wasn't like this OMFG I missed this so much feeling. The flat bread was a little greasy but it wasn't a big deal, I was still caught up with the basil and the tomatoes. My cravings felt satisfied after half of my flatbread but I went ahead and ate the whole thing because left over flat bread just isn't it. That's what I notice about my cravings lately. I don't get cravings that often but when I do they aren't as intense and they require smaller portions in order to be satisfied. While I don't have all of the ingredients used to make this, I did find the nutritional information on Schlotzsky's website. Granted I got the gluten free version so some of the values might be off. The flatbread I got is on the bottom line of the chart: Snack: Banana with peanut butter and cinnamon: My go to snack when I want something sweet. As I was eating this I was thinking how when I have this snack, I don't crave chocolate as much. I guess it's because the sweetness from the banana scratches that sweet tooth itch. And because I love/crave chocolate, whenever that sweet tooth itch comes up, the first idea I get is chocolate. I think ever since I cut out a lot of sugar in my diet, I don't have that much sweetness in my diet. I know I have talked about vegetables tasting sweeter in previous posts but still. This also reminds me of this one video I saw about bento lunches in Japan and how they incorporate a large variety of flavors in small amounts. Like one small thing might be sweet, another side might be savory, another might be sour, and another might be salty therefore as a result, people don't get a lot of cravings because all of the flavors and their desires have been met. Maybe incorporating more sweetness in my diet can be an answer for my chocolate cravings. I was thinking about mainly in the form of fruit since fresh fruit doesn't have added flavors and because I tend to prefer chocolate that has fruity elements to them. Dinner: Grilled shrimp: I made this by grilling some shrimp and seasoning them with some Italian seasoning, red chili powder, and garlic powder. I also added some red bell peppers, onions, and garlic. I loved this because the shrimp was super fresh and I could taste it when I ate it for dinner Cauliflower fried rice: I made more cauliflower fried rice in bulk today and added some carrots, green onions, and red bell peppers to the mix and fried all of that in olive oil. Grilled brussel sprouts: I cut each sprout in half and added red chili powder, garlic powder, and basil along with a little bit of olive oil and then grilled them. I really liked this and I can see myself eating it more often.

As The Years Go By, As We Grow Up And Grow Old I find these to be absolutely facinating. The 50's and 60s don't feel like they were that long ago to me, I guess mainly because both of my parents are on the older side and were born in those decades. But looking at these videos, it really feels like a long lost dystopian alternate universe. These videos really bring out the inner time traveler in me. I remember as a kid liking movies, books, and TV shows that had an element of time travel in them. One of my favorite shows growing up was this crime drama (one of my favorite genres) called Cold Case where two detectives in the early 2000s would look at cold cases from decades ago ranging from the 1920s to the 1980s and whenever they would interview people that the victims knew or people that might have clues relating to who committed the murders, they would show little flashbacks of younger versions of those people from decades ago as well as the societal norms they adhered to back then. I remember that one of my favorite episodes was about this teenage girl who was murdered in the late 50s. While the 50s are very known for their rigid gender roles, this girl was very much a tomboy. She got in trouble a lot with teachers and her parents and her peers often ridiculed her for having short hair, wearing pants, not having any interest in makeup etc. She wasn't trans but she carried herself in a very androgenous way. Because this was the 50s, they thought there was something messed up in her brain and thought she was confused about her gender so she was sent to a mental hospital where she underwent a lot of shock therapy that messed with her emotionally. Her death was super sad to me because she broke out of the hospital with the help of her friend. She had one guy friend who was also in love with her. She asked him to take her to the spot by the lake where they hung out and then asked him to kill her since the shock therapy more or less put her in a very unresponsive state. The way this episode was shot was in a way that show cased the social dynamics of the time, the rigidity etc. while still having a focus on the present day detective work. I remember searching up the accuracy of the depictions in that episode and surprisingly apparently shock therapy for not adhering to gender roles were very much a thing back then. I was horrified that things were that bad back then. Another vintage thing that I find fascinating is people's view back then of what the future is going to be like. This is a video from 1967 about what they thought 1999 was going to be like. I find this comical because 1999 wasn't like that lol. It also reminds me of the time I decided to watch the movie Back to the Future Part II where Marty travels to 2015 back in 2013 as a kid and finding it wild that the people back then thought we would have flying cars and actual hoverboards by then. I think focusing on the technological advancements of the future is a less controversial and more whimsical way of imagining the future. Maybe this is the way my mind works but whenever I contrast the 50s and now, the first thing that comes to my mind is social progress and how people view their place in society. Like sure we have a lot of technology that wasn't present back then but it's not to the point where it's like the Jetsons and its completely other worldly in that aspect. To me, the other worldly, dystopian aspects of the past comes from people's attitudes and world views. But predicting attitudes and world views can be extremely controversial since they often have a political aspect to them. Like imagine going to the 50s and telling someone that segregation won't be a thing in 2020, interracial marriage is legal, and that people are comfortable with coming out as gay and trans. Of course there are still people who throw a fit with interracial marriage and are homophobic and transphobic, but my point is that all of this would be absolutely inconceivable back in the 50s. Sure we still have problems now and I'm not undermining any of that, but it would be a misconception to say that we haven't come a long way in our collective mentalities. As usual, the trend of history is to be more conscious and loving and as a result more and more left leaning and radical in the eyes of conservatives and people who want to preserve the status quo. And I wonder all the ways we will advance as people in the coming decades and what things we will look back in the 2010s and 2020s and see as barbaric.

12/31/2020 Food Diary Lunch: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey with a side of avocado and flax seeds: I normally would have this for breakfast but today I woke up still feeling really full from the large salad last night so I waited a couple hours and had this for lunch instead. I also felt too lazy to make lunch so because I made these egg muffins in bulk, I just heated one up and mashed up some avocados. Snack: A handful of peanuts: Just wanted something to munch on so that my appetite would be controlled til dinner. Dinner: Chicken Stir Fry: I cut up some chicken and I marinated them in red chili powder, garlic powder, basil, black pepper, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar. I let that sit for about an hour and in the mean time I chopped up some bok choy, broccoli, red bell peppers, onions, garlic, and cilantro. Then I stir fried all of that. Cauliflower fried rice with onions, and bell peppers: Really felt like the perfect side dish with the chicken. Snack: Another handful of peanuts: For some reason I catch myself reaching for peanuts whenever I crave chocolate 3 squares of chocolate: My mom gave me some right around midnight for new years. Anything sugary note: 3 squares of chocolate

@modmyth Yeah my parents are more keen on celebrating Hindu holidays. While the holidays are oriented around religion, especially in the U.S., when people come together to celebrate Diwali for example, there is more of an emphasis on culture rather than the religious aspects. Normally you would have to pray for like 15-20 minutes and then the rest of it is eating, hanging out with friends, music and dance performances etc. To me growing up and, hell even now, I always used those holidays as an occasion to get fancy and dress in traditional Indian clothes as well as interact with other south asian people because I grew up in an area where there weren't many south asian people there. Seeing what post-covid socializing is going to be like is going to be interesting to say the least. I can't wait for that to happen since I'm really ready to start putting myself out there more, but on the other hand, there is this inner sociologist in me that wants to stand in the sidelines to observe and analyze differences between then and now.

Health Related Things to Consider My issues: Deal with PCOS Deal with High ANA levels (due to inflammation) Treat Iron Deficiency Treat Slowed Metabolism Wanting Weight Loss Wanting to Clear Acne My family history: A lot of high blood sugar Some high blood pressure Being over weight

@modmyth Yeah as a kid they let me do whatever Christmas-y things I wanted to do which to me meant making cookies, putting up the tree, making Christmas lists, and hanging stockings but as I got older we all lost the motivation to go all out. I guess to my parents Christmas always seemed like an American/ Christian thing and because they grew up in a different country with a different faith. In India and Bangladesh, Christmas is recognized because there are Christians there, but because they are such a small population, it's not like huge deal there. Mainly people just get Christmas eve and Christmas day off and that's it. Even though they enjoy Christmas festivities, like the lights, the Christmas parties etc. it never resonated with them deep down inside on a traditional level. I mainly found about all of the things people would do on Christmas and Santa in school, particularly elementary school where our teachers would let us do a lot of Christmas related arts and crafts. We still decorate the house with Christmas lights because my grandmother really liked it but that's really about it. I would just tell my friends that straight up on how my family wasn't really into Christmas because it didn't resonate on a deep cultural level with them. It is normally not met with anything other than understanding but I remember when I was younger and I was in middle school some of the kids felt sorry for me after they talked about what they got for Christmas because I didn't really get too many presents. Yeah I'm trying to find more people to expand my social circle. I was planning on really putting myself out there and then COVID happened so those efforts got delayed lol.

12/30/2020 Food Diary Lunch: Gluten free spaghetti with chicken: Has onions, diced garlic, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, olive oil, gluten free noodles, basil, chicken and tomato sauce. Thought I didn't have spaghetti in a minute. I skipped breakfast because I was feeling rather depressed this morning. Snack: 1 can of sprite: I was satisfied with about half of the can but I went ahead and finished it. I noticed that my desire to binge on sweet things have gone down as my sugar cravings have gone down. I can have some sweets and still feel like I can control myself if I need to. But later on today I ran into some problems with my mom. She saw the empty soda can in my room and scolded me for having it. She was like "you are working so hard on your diet and health and now you're just going to throw it away with soda. Don't drink soda" etc. I think that's where I get my nit picking tendencies from. I know one soda isn't going to throw away all the progress I have made with my diet just like how one healthy snack won't fix anything either. But this perfectionistic attitude towards food I feel messes up my relationship with food and compels me to restrict, restrict, restrict. Over all, not a healthy attitude towards food and towards a life style change. Spinach and artichoke hummus and celery Dinner: Kale and spinach salad: This salad had kale, green onion, yellow bell peppers, carrots, cherry tomatoes, flax seeds, tahini, avocado, artichoke and spinach hummus, spinach and balsamic vinegar. I was so full after this meal. It was a fairly large salad. Anything sugary note: Sprite

Life Update General Health: I finished 1 month of Zoloft. I feel better emotionally and I feel like I have a clearer head. I think I'm going to request a smaller dose with the psychiatrist since I'm doing pretty well. I know I probably mentioned this before but it's like I got a break from my own mind. I can acknowledge my negative emotions but I don't have to go super intense with them and spiral into them. When a lot of that intensity was controlled, it was actually easier to process the things happening with me in my life. Gentleness really is key when it comes to processing. Going at things too strongly at once can be counter productive. I also changed up my diet quite a bit. I am keeping an entire food journal about this in my other journal here where I am recording what I eat in a day as well as anything interesting I find pertaining to my nutrition and health. I still have quite a bit to go but I feel like I'm off to a good start. I also started cooking my meals more by myself. Because I'm at home, I tend to let my mom cook (and she insists) but cooking for me has been empowering. Upon coming back home because of the pandemic, I felt as though a lot of my sense of independence and autonomy has been taken from me. Cooking and taking care of food on my own has helped me gain back that sense of control and that feeling of capability. Plus I'm having a lot of fun with it by trying new foods and recipes. I am getting my period again and it is coming closer to resembling my regular cycle. I think things should be back to normal in a month or two. My acne has also cleared up and I feel like I lost a little bit of weight. My hair also stopped thinning so that's good. I can't wait to continue on this health journey and see how much progress I can make.

12/29/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey: This muffin was from the batch I made in bulk. I normally would have it with avocado to get some healthy fats in but I was in a rush this morning so I grabbed the muffin and ran off. It didn't fill me up the same way it did with the avocado and I found myself really hungry by the time lunch rolled around. Lunch: Kale salad: This salad had kale, spinach red onion, yellow bell peppers, carrots, mushrooms, flax seeds, tahini, cucumbers, artichoke and spinach hummus, and balsamic vinegar. Like the salad I had last time that was very similar to this, it was very filling, more filling than what I expected. Snack: 1 banana with peanut butter and cinnamon Dinner: Chicken curry: I'm not sure how to make it but I know my mom makes it from scratch with whole ingredients and doesn't add any extra salt to the dish. Cauliflower fried rice: has bell peppers, onions, and cilantro mixed in. Snack: A handful of peanuts and a pickle: I felt hungry in the middle of the night.

My dad is blue with a lot of orange and a dash of green. He is pro women's rights and rights of POC (and HATES Trump) but most of his energy goes towards how to make money, be efficient, be practical and being strategic in life. He embodies a lot of the healthy qualities of orange but is not in touch with his emotions at all and gets freaked out by the notion of it. He does have blue in him because of his "blood is thicker than water" attitude towards family and his Islamophobia. He isn't very religious and writes most of it off as superstition. My mom is mainly blue with a little bit of orange. She is religious and holds family really dear. She also had very patriarchal notions regarding how to raise girls and what is sexuality. She also exhibits a lot of healthy blue including being disciplined, dutiful, honest, and controlled. Her orange side comes out whenever something bad happens. Like if I had a death in the family, she would just tell me something along the lines of be strong, be rational, don't feel. While she doesn't like Trump, she is a huge Modi supporter and loves the nationalism he brings. I feel like I am green moving into yellow with a little bit of orange I'm still working through. As a kid I was orange leaning towards green because of my environment outside of the house. I started moving towards more green and eventually yellow through education, self development, integration of the previous stages, and last but certainly not least, Leo's videos. My parents don't like each other and have frequent disagreements when it came to how to raise me and in terms of values. My mom is like a traditional brown mom and my dad is more rationalistic so as a result he often feels like she has regressive views on the world. I clash with both of them because I grew up in a different country than them (my mom grew up in India, dad in Bangladesh, me in the U.S.) and often times they aren't the most emotionally mature people because of how dogmatic they can be and how closed off to emotions they are. It was definitely chaotic growing up because we are all on such different places on the spiral especially since I felt that I out grew my parents at such a young age (and as a result had to guide myself through growing as a person). But when I started moving towards yellow, it became easier to deal with them because I know what was going on and what to push on when making my points to help them understand where I'm coming from. The relationship I have with both of my parents is complicated and difficult at times, especially when it comes to reaching out for emotional support, but for the most part I can get along with them. I still love them and I know they care about me and as a result I can still manage to connect with them and have a relationship even if they don't developmentally resonate with me.

This feels so childish and trivial to worry about I feel silly for being so sad about it. I'm aware that this is super petty.

12/28/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey with a side of avocado: I really liked this breakfast from a couple days back so I decided to make this in bulk. This was super filling and I accidentally skipped lunch because of it. I simply forgot about lunch because I didn't feel hungry. Snack: 2 gluten free brownies: I really liked the brownies from yesterday so I decided to have more today a handful of peanuts: I was also in the mood for something crunchy Dinner: Sautéed pumpkin: Basically I cut a pumpkin into cubes and sautéed them in olive oil. I added cumin, red chili powder, turmeric, and a little bit of salt. Then I topped all of that off with cilantro. I normally eat this with roti but since I went gluten free, I didn't have this. Because I didn't have sautéed pumpkin for a long time, I was simply in the mood for it. Cauliflower fried rice: made with onions, bell peppers, and olive oil. I paired this with the pumpkins because I wasn't going to have roti Chicken: I made a small portion of chicken with a variety of seasonings that I grilled. Anything sugary note: I'm going to add this to the end of my food diary as a quick snapshot of my sugar intake so that I can be more mindful of it. gluten free brownies

A response to what I was feeling earlier

PCOS Update I'm going to start noting down things I have noticed regarding my period since the beginning of my journey. My period: November 11-13 2020: Had my period for the first time in months. It was pretty typical of my period. It lasted for 3 days with the 1st day being really painful. Normally my 1st and 2nd day are heavier while my 3rd day is when things wind down. My period is relatively light compared to that of moth people's This was the time when I got diagnosed with PCOS. December 5-6 2020: 32 days later I got my next period. It was really light with barely any bleeding. I did get pain but my period this time only lasted 2 days. I was slowly going gluten and dairy free at this time and soon I made this journal December 25-28 2020: 20 days later I get my period again. This 20 day cycle felt pretty short to me. Normally when my period is irregular, I go a long time without my period. It doesn't unexpectedly come early. This time the 1st day was very light similar to my period earlier this month, while the 2nd and 3rd day was normal. I also observed that I had little to no cramps during my period during this cycle and I think this might have to do with my changing diet and life style. Acne: I noticed that my acne, how frequently I break out, and the size of my breakouts have decreased upon cleaning up my diet. I still break out but it is very predictable, usually if I eat something I know I'm not supposed to, I know that I'm going to be greeted with a small juicy pimple the next morning. I use this as a measuring tool in regards to how my food is reacting inside my body as well as indication of whether I'm doing my diet right or whether I'm eating something that is irritating my system. Hair growth: I was growing a little bit of hair just under my jawline. I remember before starting this diet, it would grow and it would be difficult to remove because the hairs were so course and thick. Now those hairs have thinned out a little bit and they are easier to remove. They haven't decreased in quantity but it's a start in the right direction. Weight: I didn't lose any weight on the scale but I'm pretty sure I lost a couple pounds of fat here and there because when I try to go to sleep, I feel my hip bones and my rib cage. I notice that this happens when I lose fat on my body and it takes a minute for my body to get used to less cushion if that makes sense. I normally don't notice fat loss on the scale but I do notice it when I go to wear clothes and they feel looser when I put them on. I also noticed that I stopped bloating up ever since I stopped eating gluten. I'm pretty sure I had a gluten allergy before that was causing a lot of bloating. Physically this has made me feel lighter and more comfortable inside my body.

Strict I caught myself being rather rigid and perfectionistic with my diet. I know I'm trying my best to clean up my diet by eating more whole foods and vegetables but I also catch myself about to beat myself up from deviating from that. I had some cauliflower chips from a packet yesterday during the hike and part of me felt as if I was falling short of my diet goals. I felt the same way about the gluten free brownie, the chicken nuggets, and the chocolate chip cookie. I have made progress but when I catch myself slipping even on occasion, I can't help but notice how out of it I am. It was like I was on a roll and I messed up. I know this isn't a healthy attitude towards food and can mirror patterns in disordered eating. We can't be 100% perfect all the time and when it comes to healthy eating, it's best to aim for 80% because well, life happens. When I caught myself having these thoughts, I observed them to be mindful and take note of them but I also let them pass so I can enjoy the food that is in front of me instead of taking it for granted.

12/27/2020 Food Diary Breakfast: Banana with peanut butter and cinnamon: I know that today I'm planning on going for a hike with some friends so I decided to have a banana with peanut butter since I noticed that fills me up well because of the carbs from the banana and the protein / fats from the peanut butter that gives it the satiety factor. Lunch/ snacks: 1 banana, some grapes, and orange, a couple of gluten free brownies, and cauliflower chips: During the hike we stopped to eat. There was also bread and croissants but I didn't want any because first of all I'm still relatively full from the banana from the morning and second the gluten messes with me inside. This meal felt like a large accumulation of snacks that added up to a meal. Snack: 4 piece chicken nuggets from McDonalds: I caught myself having a headache after the hike as I was driving back home. I wondered if this had to do with me not eating enough so I went ahead to the McDonalds drive through to get myself something small so my head won't hurt just long enough to where I can get home and have the energy to make something. Dinner: Tomato soup: I was kinda lazy making dinner because I didn't want to eat but I'm also trying not to skip any meals so this is what I opted for. I realized that I wasn't feeling hungry and that my headache is likely from a head cold or allergies because after I ate the nuggets and this meal, my headache didn't improve at all. Taboule salad with a few olives: Wanted to get rid of the 3 left over olives in my fridge 1 handful of peanuts and flaxseeds: I just felt like it tbh. 1 cup of decaffeinated green tea: Even though I had some soup, I wanted something warm to help my scratchy throat. Wasabi: I just had this straight up without any other food because wasabi clears my nose. Snack: half of a chocolate chip cookie: I couldn't sleep last night because of my stuffed up nose so I started snacking Anything sugary note: I'm going to add this to the end of my food diary as a quick snapshot of my sugar intake so that I can be more mindful of it. chocolate chip cookie and brownie

I really need to develop my friendships and social circle more if I want to develop as a person. I need to bounce back my self actualization energy with other people so we can help and support one another on our journey through life, not because we need to support each other but because supplementing support can make foundations stronger. The biggest part of the battle is finding people. Once you find the right people, maintenance isn't to difficult IMO and experience.

Yeah engaging in fantasies is the opposite of being mindful in the moment. I'd say thoughts. What made you want to start watching in the first place as in what else is going on in your life to where you are either bored or distracted? Think about that. Also I'd recommend to think about how a lot of porn is created unethically and try to imagine what they people behind the screen possibly had to go through to produce what you're watching. I'm pretty sure you are explicitly aware of how porn can damage your brain so put the focus on that and how the sensations and thoughts you are getting play into that. That way you become implicitly aware of the damage as well. I know what I said might cause shame but I think that shame can also be dealt with awareness as well. To deal with the shame it is important to forgive yourself. Understand why this is so addictive and why you are getting sucked into it. This can be on a psychological level of how addiction works or on a very personal level of why you began doing what you're doing in the first place. By having that understanding and empathy for yourself and treating yourself gently, you can get rid of the shame and guilt surrounding it.

There is a difference between imbalances complementing each other on the same level to create a better whole because there are two parties bringing in different things to a relationship and a power imbalance. Like two people can come from completely different parts of life and have opposite energies that synergize in harmony to create a clearer picture. Both people benefit because they get exposed to different ideas and ways of looking at things. Like come on, dating someone who is equal to you on every level and someone who has very similar strengths and weakness can get boring because y'all aren't learning from each other. The point in this case is that learning and contributing in this type of relationship is reciprocal. When it comes to large age differences, it falls under power imbalances. Like as far as life experience and intellectual/ emotional stimulation, a 19 year old can get a lot of advice from a 30 year old but the 30 year old can't do the same because the older person is in a completely different life stage where he should be past whatever the 19 year old is going through. There isn't the same amount of relatability or reciprocity. Not to sound crude but when someone that old is going out with someone that young at best is totally a sex thing with no expectation for intellectual/ emotional stimulation and at worse the older person is getting psychologically stimulated by being able to emotionally manipulate young person so that they can have power over them.

Thought these two videos were interesting.

More about the all in approach from the previous video posted on this journal. This talks about how going all in can help reverse a damaged metabolism. I wouldn't be surprised if I had some type of metabolic damage from restrictive eating because I feel like if I go over 1300 calories that I'll gain a ton of weight. 2000 sounds waaay too much for me. I always rationalized this by the fact that I was 5'2" and shorter than most people. Granted there are tons of factors that goes into how many calories one needs so I can't say much about what I actually need. I find counting calories can get obsessive for me personally from past experiences with restrictive eating so now I try my best to eat til I'm full and eat whole foods so that I won't have to worry about counting calories. But now, I'm starting to think it might be important to count calories not to ensure that I'm at a deficit so I can lose weight but so that I know that I'm eating enough and that my body is getting the nourishment it needs.