soos_mite_ah

Desire Part 2 I wasn't straight by default. I discovered this at 14 when my friends and I were playing two truths and a lie. One of my friends told me that they had an asexual friend. I immediately pointed that as the lie among her three statements. She told me that no that statement was true. I was confused. The only context I knew for being asexual is when it came to plants and amoebas that reproduce by themselves. My friend then explained to me that asexual meant that you don't experience sexual attraction. That's when I first began questioning my sexual orientation. I knew I liked guys in a romantic sense, but I never thought of anything in the sexual sense. I searched up asexual online and lot of the stories there mirrored my own, how a lot of people didn't think that they were asexual because they were romantically attracted to people, how they kept waiting to bloom into their sexuality but it never came, and how they thought there was something wrong with them to be indifferent around sex in a sex crazed society. A lot of it resonated with me and I began to think "hey maybe I am asexual." That summer, I watched a shit ton of porn of all genres to see if I would get turned on. Nothing happened. It was boring as hell. I tried masturbating. Nothing happened. After all that I decided, you know what, I guess I really am asexual. I switched schools around this time and I began being openly asexual for the rest of high school. Ok, so now I'm going to be shifting gears a bit. That is the sexual part of the equation, but what about love in general? In middle school I had a very cynical view of love. I had this idea that authentic love was very rare. The reason why I had a really cynical view of love was because there was this one guy that I liked (I'm calling him Pete in this post because he is a dumpster fire and I'm going to be using the names of Ariana Grande's exes from Thank U, Next). I hung around Pete and his toxic group of friends. They were mainly toxic because they based their worth around how many girls they can date and if you weren't in a relationship you were some undesirable loser who was going to die alone. To be honest, I don't even remember why I liked this guy. I guess it might have been because he stood up for me and was generally nice but my memory is a little hazy because it was like a decade ago now. It most certainly not because of looks, even then I thought he was ugly and that he looked like an alpaca but hey that didn't stop me from liking him. Anyway, these guys also had a bad view on women and they basically reduced them down to their looks. I remember I told this guy I liked him and he politely rejected me. That wasn't the hurtful part though. A couple weeks later I found out that he was talking about me behind my back and was making fun of my weight and how he would never date a brown girl (mind you he is also brown so there is a lot of internalized racism) because brown girls are ugly and prude. That broke me at the time. Something like that happened again in college but by that time I was pretty secure in my identity and I brushed it off as *honestly I don't want to date a guy with that much self hatred anyway, the trash took itself out*. But the first time this happened, I was 12. I remember crying myself to sleep, not because he was an asshole but more so because I had the bad judgement to fall for a guy like that. My sense of trust in myself was shattered. One of the ways that I wanted to build up my sense of trust is by leaning into hyper rationalism since I was going through a stoic/ logical phase at the time. I decided that I wasn't going to listen to my emotions anymore. After all, how credible could they be since I fell for such an asshole? During this time I really made it a point to separate the categories of love and lust. To me, a lot of those guys were blinded by lust, they never cared about any of these girls or girls in general. Because I was an only child with not many people I could go to for my problems (also my parents are South Asian so I technically wasn't supposed to be liking boys and wanting to date anyway because of taboos surrounding the subject), I turned to the internet. I remember coming across an article by psychology today comparing falling in love with doing crack cocaine. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201208/falling-in-love-is-smoking-crack-cocaine That turned me away from love real quick and closed me up. I was like, *damn, falling in love can cloud your judgement that much?!?!?* I didn't want to take part in such mindlessness ever again. This is pretty much a good summary of how I felt about love at this time (around from the ages of 12-16). Very stage orange lol. I was also going through my emo phase at this time and listened to a lot of Paramore. This song describes my view towards love as it was shaped by my family. I still come back to this song because I resonate with it so much. During this time I kept listening to girls my age think that they were falling in love only to have the guy switch on them and dump them because they didn't want to have sex with their boyfriends or worse, pressure them to do things they didn't want to do or move faster than they are comfortable. Mind you, we were 12-14 years old so most of us weren't really thinking about losing our virginities yet. I also had to deal with a lot of guys who asked me out as a joke which messed up my self esteem for a while. I made peace with the idea that I was going to die alone, not in a self loathing way but in a way that like *I need to make sure the other areas of my life are fulfilling, a relationship isn't the end all be all of life.* I was also surrounded by adults who thought that teenagers are these hormonal creatures that get blinded by sexual attraction thinking they are in love and then they end up pregnant. This further cemented the idea in my head that lust and love were two completely different things. That is true. It's important to be able to distinguish your actual feelings for someone and just liking their dick. But I guess where I went wrong is that I began viewing love as this super rational thing in order to be successful and not fall for assholes and in doing so I sacrificed my sense of emotional vulnerability. Also since I am asexual, I wasn't even looking for sex so that wasn't in my mind when I was looking for a relationship. I was sooooo thankful for my asexuality because to me it meant that I was going to have better decision making and not be blinded by carnal desires. My thoughts shifted yet again once I got to high school and I met Ricky (not his real name, using a fake name from Thank U, Next).

Pretty much what the title says. What would you want your 16, 21,30 etc. year old self to know? What would you tell them?

Desire Part 1 I'm going to have multiple journal entries venting and explaining my relationship to my sexuality and how I have been questioning it for about a year now. This might be a little too detailed (maybe not this particular post, but like future posts in this series) just a warning for anyone who would just rather not know. I know for a fact that I'm romantically attracted to men. I can remember as far back as preschool wanting to kiss a boy and hold hands. I most certainly had crushes on boys in my class, would sign my name with their last name in a notebook, and think up romantic situations with the boys I had a crush on when I was bored in school (it was usually a reenacting of a scene from a Barbie movie or getting married). I remember feeling some shame in regards to that mainly because at 5 kids were still really self conscious around the opposite sex and would yell "cooties!" whenever they caught a guy and a girl being friends lol. Then in middle school, things changed. But a part of me didn't. I remember one time when I was in the 6th grade (I must have been 12 at the time) I found someone's English notebook. I knew it belonged to one of the three girls who sat behind me but I wasn't sure whose it was. I flipped through the notebook trying to find a name. That wasn't a good idea. A good chunk of the notebook was Mindless Behavior (for people who don't know it was a boy band) fanfiction of how this one girl was writing out her fantasy of Mindless Behavior kidnapping her and using her for sexual stuff. Ahhhh good ol' 2011 Wattpad days. I remember back then people would write all types of crazy sexual things (I'm pretty sure they still do), usually about One Direction and Justin Bieber and share that online. It was also really bad writing mainly because the people writing them were all like 10-13 years old and clearly have no idea what sex is actually like. In middle school, my friends and I would read fanfic out loud just as a joke because it was so cringy. But in this particular instance, I was uncomfortable. I shut the notebook and gave it to the three girls because I didn't want to figure out whose notebook it was anymore. They were all friends with one another so it was ok. Prior to that, I always thought that people who said things like "god I just want his tongue down my throat" or any notion of getting fucked were exaggerating, mainly because I felt no such desire. Sex didn't make sense, it didn't sound appealing. But after opening that notebook I was like "huh, there are people who like this type of stuff and most of the time they aren't exaggerating. These desires are real. Maybe I'm the weird one." I brushed that thought off. I was certain I was straight. I did like boys after all. Had no inkling of an attraction towards girls. I thought I was straight by default. Yeah that wasn't the case.

Anxiety I need to stop analyzing the source, the causes, and the anxiety I feel towards certain things and brute force my way through it and build my fear facing muscle. All this over thinking and conceptualization, though insightful, is often a higher level form of rumination as well as a type of avoidance because contemplating about a problem takes me away from actually dealing with the problem. Here are some things that trigger my anxiety. Most of these things are really silly and seem very minor and I am aware of it. Nevertheless, for my own sake I'm listing them all out: School My school work especially with certain classes and teachers Emails Applying for jobs or schools Putting myself out there Public speaking The thought of running out of things to say Going out and making friends Having the spot light

Yeah I notice that as well. This forum has a good bit of orange in it, both in toxic and healthy forms IMO.

I'm starting to move towards more self acceptance/ gentleness/ self love type content. Idk, living like a normal person my age. Having hobbies, focusing on my social life, watching netflix, being a normal person. It doesn't have to be a new kind of addiction. I just want to do what is healthy and normal. It's a vicious cycle. I see something that is not very conscious of me, say judging other people, and then I beat myself up for that and go introspect / contemplate about what I just did and where that stemmed for, and then I beat myself up for beating myself up. That's an example. I also tend to feel really down about myself when I'm not mentally in the best place or if I'm depressed. There is a part of me that feels toxic and manipulative for suffering. I believe my thing is that I had this huge phase of inner work/ contemplation/ figuring out what I want and now I'm dying to put myself out there, socialize, make strides in my career, etc. I suppose it's a new phase of self development, one that is more externally focused rather than internally focused. Yeah I have been meditating like crazy and have built up a habit. For me personally, it's becoming a source of escapism in a way.

Shame I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. my grades and performance in school my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school my lack of social life my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality how I feel like the trauma aged me how I have been in hermit mode working on myself how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential the fact that I'm on antidepressants my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school. (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) questioning my sexual orientation my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look any amount of social awkwardness

2/1/2021 Daily Check In For breakfast I had two slices of gluten free toast with some cream cheese along with an egg with a side of raspberries. My energy has been pretty good. However, I did give into my sugar cravings today. I had one soda and a little bit of honey on a banana. Don't know why I had this craving but yeah that happened. I don't think this is a regular thing that I need to be worried about but it's still nevertheless good to be mindful.

@Thought Art Feeling a compulsion to do something because of neurotic reasons and not being able to stop

1/31/2020 Daily Check In Didn't have breakfast today. Had trouble getting out of bed because I didn't sleep well last night due to nightmares. I have this temptation in regards to whether I stay in bed or eat breakfast but the temptation to stay in bed overrided my general will power. My energy levels though have been pretty good so there is that.

In these last couple days, I realized that there are likely things that I'm missing from my perspective when it comes to understanding pick up. I believe one of my main weaknesses is differentiating the types of pick up (after all learning=making distinctions). I know that when to comes to attraction and developing confidence there are healthy ways to go about it and there are very devilish and manipulative ways as well. Same with pick up. I'm going to explain my point of view and why pick up does trigger me to a certain extent. This is to show people where I'm coming from but also to identify places where I might have blockages, limiting beliefs, and resistance towards the subject. Sometimes you need to know where you stand in order to know which way to go. Here are my experiences with men and why I see red flags in pick up. I'm not saying every woman has this same experience, but it wouldn't be surprising if many of them could see themselves in my situation. Which is why I think it's a good idea of why women are typically resistant to the idea of pick up which can give some people insight for it's limitations. I have had grown men stare at my tits since I was 13 years old. I have been cat called numerous times, and I will say that in none of those instances did I feel safe much less complimented. Having a man who is a foot taller than me tell me that I'm sexy and that I have nice tits randomly in the middle of the night at a gas station is what can give me nightmares. I get being confident and being assertive when it comes to women and going up to a woman you find attractive and tell her that you think she is beautiful or that she has pretty eyes. That has happened to me before and I never felt uncomfortable from those instances. In fact I felt very flattered. What differentiates these two circumstances is that in one circumstance it was purely out of selfish intent and objectification while the other is lead with empathy. Yes in both cases there was a clear expression of I'm attracted to you but I will say that from a woman's point of view, she will have two completely different reactions to these two approaches. To me this expresses the difference between aggression and assertiveness. When I see men being told to be more aggressive towards women, I immediately think of the former instances. There is nothing wrong with being confident, humorous, or out going, and developing those qualities if you think it's going to make you more successful with women but there is a huge difference in regards to how those manifest whether it is in a aggressive way or an assertive way. Also being encouraged to be more dominant can get lumped into aggression rather than assertiveness because of the way women have been treated throughout history as those who need to be subservient to a man. Being dominant in the bedroom is perfectly fine and understandable if that is what you're into but feeling this need to be dominant in a social setting can set off red flags for women. Being dominant can also be interpreted as a disregard to boundaries and being viewed as prey when it isn't executed properly. That can have all type of negative perceptions in the eyes of women and negative consequences for her which I'm going to go into next. Next, I'm going to be talking about being viewed as prey. Most men don't have this experience, especially a regular occurrence of this experience. Again, like many women, I have been seen in a sexual light since I was a very young age. When I was 16 years old I had instances where grown men who are much older than me flirt with me even after I told them I wasn't interested and I was underage. To them, it didn't matter that I wasn't even a legal adult. If anything, to them it was part of my appeal. I've also had men who tried to push my boundaries or get mad at my boundaries. There has been instances where I told a guy that I wasn't interested or that I was busy and he tried to change my mind so I would go out with him or sleep with him. The initial approach might have been fine, but pushing me to do something is when it dipped into creepy territory. Sometimes when I can tell a guy is being too pushy with me, I resort to telling him I'm gay so I can get the hell away from him because like most women, I don't find being pressured as feeling safe. But even then, sometimes guy see it as "oh but I can change your mind, you just haven't had my dick before." Imagine if a gay man told you that after you told him you were straight. The cops would have been called on him. And sometimes in these instances, women are afraid of saying no because sometimes when w e do, we get yelled at an harassed. Some of these women simply don't have a backbone to speak up when they feel uncomfortable and some of them get into situations where they are scared shitless and comply with a man against her own best interests. While I can't relate, I can empathize with that. One time I was on a first date and it didn't feel natural to kiss the guy I was on the date with and I told him that. When I said, I don't want to kiss you right now, this man lost it, yelled at me and told me I was a whore. I got the hell away from this guy. So when I hear this language of women being referred to as rabbits or fish when people say "don't ask a rabbit how to hunt" or "don't ask a fish how to catch them" I think that the person saying that right now sees women as prey to be hunted and conquered rather than human beings to be understood and to connect with and I think that this person sees themselves as a hunter of sorts (again goes back to aggression vs. assertive). Whenever I hear things along the lines of "she wants it but she doesn't know it yet" or "women don't know what they want" while I get that we can have a bias when it comes to attraction, it can come off as if you're saying women don't know where her boundaries lie and if you manipulate her in the right way, you can get what you want from her. And finally, I'm going to talk about the whole concept of asking for it. Whenever a woman wears something that shows even a little bit of skin, often times men see it as an invitation for catcalling and all sorts of creepy behavior. I have had my ass grabbed in public by men I have never even talked to. I have had men look at me as if I'm a piece of meat when I was talking to them because they can't help but look at my boobs instead of my face. And in many of these instances, people automatically assumed it's my fault for provoking these men based on what I was wearing. What I was wearing is not relevant because women get treated this way whether they are covered head to tow in a burka or they are wearing a crop top and some shorts. The common denominator is men who objectify women. I understand that if you are at the club, women are more likely to probably want something sexual because of the context and setting. But even then, you need to treat a woman with respect. Dragging her away (emotionally speaking) from her friends when she clearly still wants to be with them or when she is saying that she has to go to work and can't come by your hotel room is manipulation and pressurization and in some cases can border on assault. Again often times women are conditioned to be nice and passive, even in situation where we are not comfortable because standing up for yourself is seen as being bitchy and uptight. Women can choose to sleep around, she can choose to remain celibate til marriage, or anything else in between. That's up to her and any of those things are fine. But pressurizing a woman to do something other wise in either direction, whether it is remaining "pure" or getting her to sleep around, is out of line and makes women uncomfortable. And often times when we are referring to manipulation, we are referring to this type of pressurization, not the way you do your hair or the way you present yourself in order to feel more confident. Presenting yourself in the best light to where you feel good about yourself is normal and encouraged when dating, but that's not what women are referring to when we mean manipulation. This video is also pretty on point with a lot of the things I have been talking about plus more. I'm just expanding on the part where Leo talks about the female perspective and agenda by showing what that means for a lot of women. I know this was super long and I hope that people can get a better idea of where many women are coming from and why pick up triggers them. I tried to be as detailed as possible so people know exactly what I'm talking about but even then, I still have more experiences and instances that I can talk about in similar depth. As long as this post is, it's only but the surface of the bs that I, and many women, had to deal with men.

Bump

1/30/2021 Daily Check In For breakfast I had a spinach and banana smoothie along with an egg. I didn't want to have breakfast today and wanted to sleep more and since I wasn't that hungry I had more of an incentive to stay in bed but I dragged myself out of bed anyway. I'm pretty sure that's one of the main reasons why I have this habit tbh. Overall my day went pretty well. I don't have much to add.

@Preety_IndiaWhat would be stage green fascism? Stage green appears very anti fascist.

Flaws I haven't been posting on this journal much because a lot of what creates joy for me right now is learning about food and fixing my diet. I have a separate journal dedicated to that and I have been putting most of my efforts there. I found a thread that was talking about what our biggest flaws were. It was talking about in the context of this forum but I began thinking of my flaws in general. I thought I would journal about it and that I would reflect on the ways I can deal with it or accept my flaws in order to cultivate more joy in my life. I lack gentleness with myself and can be hypercritical. This is in a variety of areas in my life and it stops me from being disciplined. I base my worth on my ability to function, the quality of my consciousness, and my mental health to where I think it's a failure or I think I'm a fuck up if I'm not doing to well emotionally. So it's like I feel bad emotionally and then I beat myself up for feeling bad, making myself feel worse and the cycle continues. I carry a lot of shame in regards to where I'm at with my life currently. I hate how I'm not in college right now because of medical and mental health issues and I hate how I'm on anti depressants. I feel like a failure because of that, a complete mess. I can be really distant with friends and I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through something because I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is a part of me that feels as if I'm unworthy of connection whether it be with friends, family, and romantic partners. I feel like I have to work on myself constantly. I am extremely choosy when it comes to dating. I also tend to date with a scarcity mindset where I go in with the intention of screening a guy instead of connecting with him. I'm a procrastinator especially because of my perfectionistic tendencies. I lack a clear vision in regards to what I want to do with my life and where I want to go with my career. As a result, I don't fully embody my values. I also tend to demonize capitalism because of my stage green tendencies and then get into a fatalistic spiral. I'm having issues with dealing with the pandemic because of the way it's impacting my family. I tend to be reactive with my family and I feel like I'm still 14 around them. I have body image issues which then translates to eating issues. I hate some things in regards to my body. I don't like how I still have break outs. I don't like how my stomach isn't flat and how I have a little chub around the edges no matter what I do to my diet or exercise routine. I don't have many friends and I need to involve myself in my hobbies more.

Same I think my biggest problem is that when I reply to a thread or write a post in my journal, I tend to have very long responses. It's because I want to be thorough and explain my ideas but I'm afraid that makes me annoying and difficult to connect to since most people probably don't want to read a super detailed response. I'm quiet irl but I'm afraid that I'm too talkative here. Perhaps this is a matter of insecurity and perhaps instead that is my flaw. Also, speaking as a woman, the dating section sometimes triggers me (I'm mainly talking about the stuff that has a little red pill sprinkled in). I try to stay away from it so that I'm not super reactive but sometimes it gets the best of me. I'm trying to get better at it though.

My doctor recommended that I take birth control to regulate my PCOS. I'm already doing the diet and life style route as of right now and although I have seen some progress, I have yet to have all of my physical, external symptoms disappear. I understand that taking the diet and life style rout might take some time and trial and error and I'm willing to go through that in order to cultivate healthy habits independent of my PCOS, but I'm also thinking about adding the birth control to the mix. Yet on the other hand I have heard that birth control can mess up your hormones even more in some cases and of course there are the side effects. I'm nervous to try it because there is this level of uncertainty involved as I have never taken medications that impacted me on the hormonal level and because I'm new to birth control.

1/28/2021 Daily Check In *Just realized that I accidentally put in 2020 instead of 2021 for the date on the last post lol. Ate pretty well today. For breakfast I had 2 slices of gluten free toast, an avocado, eggs, and some fruit. Energy levels dipped at around 2 but immediately after I ate I felt much better. Today was pretty good over all. The only thing that deviated was this chicken sandwich I had from the drive through. I was on a drive and I got really thirsty so I decided to pull up at McDonalds for some water and thought might as well also get something to eat. I haven't had their spicy chicken sandwich since I don't even know when. It's been years tbh. I'm not super big on chicken sandwiches but when I do crave something, I tend to be a bit of a fast food snob where I still try to eat healthy and I end up spending a little bit more money. Like I have this tendency where I will only have burgers from In n Out or a restaurant because the burgers in other fast food places taste too greasy and just not right. I'm the same way with Cane's chicken and I also tend to gravitate towards places like Panera bread which is more expensive than say McDonalds. It's just that I don't eat out super often so when I do have the urge, I want to indulge in something that tastes good instead of something that tastes fake lol. I honestly forgot how the chicken sandwich was only $1. I remember as a kid this was my absolute favorite sandwich so there is a bit of nostalgia tied to it. I took one bite and it wasn't bad but it wasn't AMAZING. I think I just liked this as a kid because I didn't know much else tbh. I finished the sandwich and I caught myself feeling slightly sluggish for the rest of the day. That's why I typically avoid most fast food (and if I find myself in a position to have some I tend to lean towards a lot of vegetables or a salad since there is little you can do to mess that up) because even though in the moment everything might taste fine (but not amazing), I do feel off afterwards since I 'm used to eating a certain way on a regular basis. And to me, that off feeling is enough to make me not want to get hooked to it. 1/29/2021 Daily Check In I didn't feel like eating breakfast so I only had a slice of toast with some peanut butter. I tried to make up for it later on in between breakfast and lunch by eating a few snacks like a banana, some cereal, and some nuts, just so I can get my calories in for the day and so I wouldn't be fatigued. I also caught myself having some light chocolate cravings. Other than that, today went by pretty smoothly. I was also expecting to break out from the chicken sandwich yesterday because the bread was most definitely not gluten free and the whole thing was processed but my skin didn't act up. Something like this also happened before and I'm starting to think that I can have gluten and dairy in small amounts granted I still eat enough for the rest of the day. I know that PCOS insulin resistance can get triggered because of gluten and dairy. Normally, I know my PCOS is getting triggered by the way that I break out. I think that sensitivity is exacerbated when I'm not getting enough calories since going too low on calories for the day can cause the release of stress hormones (because the body thinks you're starving) which then causes the PCOS to act up.

I want to figure out some type of trajectory in the next year or so because I'm going to be graduating college and I need to know my next steps. In both times, it took me a month and a half. I was doing about 2-3 videos a day and a book per week. I did a lot of life purpose related work prior to finding this course such as evaluating my values, figuring out my interests, finding my strengths etc. on my own as I was having a regular existential crisis therefore contemplating regularly about what I wanted to do with my life all throughout high school. There were some flaws with the way I was looking at the situation and I did have some limiting beliefs but the life purpose course sorted a lot of that out the first time around.

@Preety_India writing and traveling not higher or lower by any means. It's just that I was more attracted to manifesting my life purpose in that way when I was at a certain point in my life and then I became attracted to a different thing when I moved into a different point in my life.

1/27/2020 Daily Check In I did have breakfast today. I had a bowl of cheerios with some almond milk, some blackberries, and an egg. I remember I used to always think that making breakfast takes a long time but now that I got used to it and it's a part of my routine, it feels quicker, as if because it's a habit I go into autopilot and don't realize how long or short it's taking. Still feel like I have to force myself to eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry in the morning. But I'm starting to notice that this constant fullness feeling is starting to wane a little bit and I'm starting to get my normal appetite back. What I'm eating right now doesn't feel like a huge amount of food like it did a few weeks back. I have been feeling more focused and energetic today. Didn't have any amount of drowsiness at all. But I did feel my chocolate cravings come up but I didn't really fulfill them since I don't have anything in the house at the moment.

Ok I got around to watching this video as well as the one with James Marshall speaking on how to be a man (not sure if that video was on this thread or if I found it on a different one) They are both really good videos and I feel like I got a good idea on the whole topic of pick up, especially healthy examples of it. I'm going to be honest, I was really hesitant about starting this thread. As some people know I started right after another dumpster fire thread lol. I was nervous about this turning into another flame war and I did my best to be open minded and keep things diplomatic by putting my impulses to the side. I wanted to see what my blind spots were, if there as any information I was missing, and be exposed to another perspective. I think on my behalf, lack of information was a huge thing because the view I had of pick up was mainly the red pill, manipulation pick up when really pick up exists on a spectrum. And I feel like I came out with a little bit more understanding.

Someone in the comments section said "Imagine being able to rule a country and have anything you ever wanted. Only to get killed by your crippling addiction to cheese" and that killed me lmao

Some videos I found entertaining

1/26/2021 Daily Check In Today I woke up feeling tired because I took some melatonin last night since I couldn't sleep. My tiredness was just the effects of the melatonin still lingering. I made myself breakfast even though I didn't feel like it as usual. Today I had two slices of toast with some dairy free cream cheese, a banana with some peanut butter, and a handful of raspberries. I normally don't have cream cheese but I noticed that the avocados I had in the fridge were hard as rocks and still no where near ripe so I thought I'd buy some cream cheese for the mean time. I decided to have my raspberries to get my fruits in and I had the banana so that I can get some more food since I was too lazy to make myself eggs. I felt pretty energized throughout the day. No tired feelings mid day or anything of that sort. My mood has also been keeping up well. My only complaint I guess is that my period is supposed to be here but it isn't so idk what is happening. I think it might be because I wasn't eating enough calories for a couple weeks earlier this month and my body interpreted that as a stressor along with me eating chocolate. Those are my guesses. Because other than that, I have been for the most part gluten and dairy free.