soos_mite_ah

Thoughts on 1 Month Living Alone August 31st marked me living by myself in my new apartment for a complete month. I journaled a bit about what living alone for one week felt like here: I wanted to revisit some of the topics as a way of reflecting how I feel now: Stress around finances: I feel like I have a better relationship with finances earlier this month. I paid all of my bills and I did have quite a bit of things that I had to get for the apartment including a couple of larger expenses. And while that was anxiety inducing, even after spending much more than I normally do and without constantly looking at how much money I had left, I ended the month still being able to put $1000 into savings. Of course, this is less than what I normally put in savings but the fact that I was going all in when it comes to my expenses and I was still able to have a good chunk left over, I felt good about my current financial standing. I also did some calculations and I realized that I have 6 months of an emergency fund saved up as well as enough money to buy a car if I need it. I'm not planning on buying a car any time soon since the one that I'm borrowing from my parents is working fine and since I don't know if I'm going to live in Dallas in the long term. But it's still nice that I have the option if things came up. I'm projected to have about $40k saved up by the end of this year. I think after another couple of months I won't have much stress around finances because by then my big furniture purchases will be taken care of and I will be used to getting money taken out for bills and stuff. A heightened awareness around my physical safety and well being: I mentioned that this likely has to do with me being a woman who lives alone and is getting used to it in the pervious post. And I stand by that. It just took some getting used to and now I'm pretty fine / secure. Dealing with being alone + matters around friendship after college: I think this has gotten better after I met with friends here and there. I guess I was in the process of shifting my priorities again and also kind of mourning the phase in my life where I could pour into my friendships more. Bottom line, the lonliness isn't really hitting the way it was earlier this month anymore. Figuring out what to do with the relationship with my parents: I'm calling them about once every other day for 5 minutes. That seems manageable. I also noticed in some instances that I have this feeling of obligations towards them and that setting boundaries is harder because I feel the need to justify myself. I'm also not thrilled about my "family responsibilities" because they fell unfulfilling and obligatory and honestly, calling them feels like a chore that I'm tied to since I don't have much of a relationship with them. That's a conversation I will be having with my therapist. Other observations: My relationship with food and my body image has improved a little. It's easier to wake up early in the morning because I'm not experiencing the revenge bed time procrastination. The thing that I hate most about living by myself is cooking on a regular basis. I hate it but I'm slowly getting used to it. I feel like I'm eating different iterations of the same 7 meals on repeat. I feel silly about this but I'm not beating myself up because atleast they are balanced and I'm eating vegetables. It's not like I'm eating instant mac and cheese and dino nuggies everyday so I'll count that as a win. I'm handling things well financially, emotionally, and mentally and this experience is making me feel more confident in myself. There are certain conversations about my parents that I feel safer having since I'm not nearly as financially tied to them. I'm still using their car and I'm still on the family phone plan though. I'm just not ready for those conversations since I'm still figuring out how things will go down and how to handle things. I'm less scared of / grossed out by bugs. I mentally feel like I've bounced back from living with my parents and I feel much more safe and stable as far as my mental health goes. I have much more peace of mind.

The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 1 I know it's only been 3 year but I have some ideas that I wanted to jot down here so I can write and expand on it later: Wellness Culture: There has been a spike in wellness culture since the COVID 19 lockdowns happened and a lot of people wanted to focus more inwardly, take care of themselves mentally and physically, and pick up some healthy habits. I think while the 2010s had the IG baddie as the archetype that was more mainstream that influenced many trends from the beauty standards, fashion, flex culture etc, the 2020s has That Girl. I remember posts from as early as 2016 of little starter packs labeled as "that girl who genuninely has her life together" containing things like having a workout routine, a balanced diet, a super colorful and comprehensive notebook for class, good grades, a healthy social life etc. I also remember seeing posts that were labeled along the lines of "that girl that always smells good / is clean and put together" which paved the way to the current Clean Girl aesthetic. Both That Girl and Clean Girl revolve around wellness culture which can include things like prioritizing your mental health, journalling, eating healthy food, working out, skin care etc. And while I think all of this is good, there are toxic ways that this has manifested with people treating wellness as a list of to dos (such as journaling, having a gratitude journal, having a 2 hour morning routine) instead of implementing thing that actually works well for them. It also manifests as diet culture where there is this notion that That Girl has a certain look (skinny but also really toned) and it involves not eating much and exercising excessively under the guise of health. There is also an undercurrent of perfection as well which points had this desire for control as well as being this hypothetical ideal woman. I think this desire for control from things like self care and self improvement is a coping mechanism of sorts during these chaotic and uncertain times. I think the That Girl/ Clean Girl aesthetic also doubles down on patriarchial standards under late stage capitalism. That girl consumes wellness culture and has all of these fancy supplemants and greens powders. That girl has a super complex workout routine to achieve that thinness ideal that makes her look so well put together. That girl has expensive organic produce made with the "cleanest" of ingrediants. That girl wakes up at 5 am, has a two hour morning routing, followed by an 8-10 hour work day where she's making bank, and maybe some social plans afterwork and she balances all of this effortlessly. That girl has naturally perfect skin where she looks put together without makeup and she has an expensive skin care regimine, gets waxed regularly, gets her eyebrows done, has a fresh set of nails, and facials every month in the name of self care. And while all of this sounds like a lot of effort and sounds really expensive, it is, but That Girl does all of this effortlessly because its part of the feminine performance because she is That Girl. I think that if we have a very surface level view of wellness and we don't use these habits as a way of checking in with ourselves rather we use these habits as a trend, it's easy to fall into things like putting in an unrealistic amount of labor in our day to day lives that makes us exhausted rather than adding to our day, orthorexia and other eating disorders, and compulsory overconsumption in the diet and beauty spheres. You don't need to wake up at 5 am where you insert a workout, do some bullet journalling, and a whole beauty routine in order to have a productive day that leads to your over all success. You don't need to have a million supplements and foods with the cleanest ingrediants to live a healthy life and have a healthy relationship with food. You don't need an 8 step skincare routine and a new set of nails each month in order to take care of yourself. You don't need to be constantly doing things from 5am to 9pm to have a well rounded and healthy life. That doesn't mean that you can't do it or it's wrong to do it but we need to be mindful of the habits that actually benefit us and the habits that are pushed on us in the name of wellness that can do more harm than good for our mental health and finances. Ageism: I think that Gen Z has a real problem with agism. I can get it to a certain extent but I think there are people who take it to far. Let me explain. I think it's understandable why Gen Z is frustrated with older adults. A lot of Boomers and Gen X had affordable college, houses they could buy in their 20s, and could afford to settle down and have kids with little to no issues but over the years, these same generations inacted policies that didn't let our generation have the same oppportunities. And in the mean time, the old people are gaslighting us about not working hard enough or for us spending money on too many lattes because they are out of touch on how everything has gotten more expensive but wages haven't kept up. Not only that, but a lot of old people do have less than progressive views on women and gay people etc. (but lets be real, Millenials and Gen Z, aka adults under 45 aren't immune to it either). And they're the ones who have the most representation in the government while the rest of us who are struggling to get by don't have much of a say. The frustration against boomers is valid. What I think becomes a problem is when things like anti-aging and hating old people just because they're old becomes mainstream. I think there is a section of Gen Z that is terrified of looking older because of all of the memes of "this is how you age when you're unproblematic" that insinuate the corrleation of youth and beauty with moral superiority, and the trend of the 8 step Korean skincare routine with a heavy emphasis of looking 25 until you're 75. There is a lot of white Gen Z that makes fun of trends that Millenials and Gen X popularized, and while I get cringing at trends that were popular when you were in middle school, sometimes I look at these white people like *it's so clear that you didn't grow up in a multigenerational household.* And I think it can be harmful to immediately assume that young people are inherently more progressive because that negates the progressive works of the people who came before us and it doesn't acknowledge that there are plenty of bigotted weirdos among our generation. Lets not forget that the eldest Millennials are like approaching their mid 40s even though the Boomers in Fox News likes to paint Millennials and Gen Z as young people in high school, college, or people who graduated college like less than 10 years ago. And I know pleanty of people from my age to age 45 who have questionable views lol. Sure, our generation is generally more progressive, but it's because of our material conditions compared to that of our parents and grandparents, not because of our youth. The first part of ageism has to do with ageism against older folk. Another part of ageism has to do with children. I understand the push back against having kids in this economy and how many women of our generation are independent enough financially to not have to be held hostage in a toxic marriage and start pushing out kids as fast as possible. My mom for example is a younger boomer (born in 1965) and she grew up in a time where in her childhood, women couldn't have their own bank accounts. And it wasn't super encouraged for her to have a thriving career. Society saw her as a future wife and mother because that's what you do as a woman and that's how you get a man to take care of you financially. That sentiment is still there, but it's less so in my generation. And as a result, we have more of a choice on whether or not to have kids, which again, is a good thing. However, there are some people who take this too far and get this general disdain for children to where they think that children shouldn't be in public places / settings and that children are these demonic crotch goblins that are this financial and emotional burden. And yes, children can be a lot but they're still people and they deserve basic respect. And they're in the process of learning to be a person, they're not going to be as emotionally regulated as an adult nor are they going to sit quietly in a corner the entire time. That is fine. They are where they are supposed to be developmentally. And while there is nothing wrong with wanting to be child free as a personal decision, that doesn't mean that you're entitled to always be in a child free space. Concerning trends for women: I'm mainly talking about the Soft Life / Stay at Home Girlfriend / Finding a Provider Man trends. Listen, I get it. Girl boss feminism has been exhausting and didn't do a good job in addressing systemic issues pertaining to capitalism and it leaned too heavily on identity politics. We are a generation that was told we can do anything but it manifested in the expectation of having to do everything from working full time, splitting all of the bills, but still doing all of the household chores and child rearing. But the answer isn't to check out completely and become a stay at home girlfriend. There is a reason why we fought against that so that we can get jobs, a bank account etc. Getting a rich man and becoming a stay at home wife does seem easier than reckoning against late stage capitalism because you can offshore that responsibility to the man and you can have the fantasy of stability. And as a feminist, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being a stay at home wife and raise your kids. But I do think it is dangerous to rely on a man financially without any plans of protections. If you're going to do this get a prenup, stay involved in your industry through volunteering / furthering your education, and don't let people walk all over you just because they are bringing in the money. Have an escape plan in case things get fucked up and have something to fall back on. Don't be stupid while doing this thinking that being a stay at home wife will solve your problems. And definitely don't be a stay at home girlfriend because that doesn't give you any legal or financial protections I also think this trend is not only a reaction against capitalism but also a reaction against how men and women evolved with feminism over the years. While women have gained more autonomy in their career and finances, in the mean time, men didn't get socialized to contribute to the household in terms of chores and emotional engagement. So now, you have this "50/50" situation, which is actually 75/25 if were being honest, where while both men and women are contributing financially but women have to do everything when it comes to managing the household from cooking and cleaning, child rearing, and family planning (i.e. taking the kids to extra curricular, planning vacations and other family activities etc.). A lot of men like the aesthetic of being the man of the house and being a husband or father but aren't willing to put in the work or think that the work is only bringing in money. And some women who are part of the Soft Life / Finding a Provider Man life see the dynamic of a man bringing in all of the income and them doing the work in the house as more along the lines of 50/50, which I think is a fair assertion even though that version of 50/50 is not the most equitable in terms of giving women protection in case the marriage becomes toxic (unless you do it right and take precautions). I think the answer is not to go back to the traditional gender roles but to socialize men to contribute to the household in terms of chores and emotional engagement so that there is a more even division of labor in the relationship outside of careers since in most instances both the man and the woman works. In conclusion, the Soft Life / Stay at Home Girlfriend / Finding a Provider Man trends address a real dilemma regarding late stage capitalism and the gender roles of today but there are better ways of handling this matter. The alpha male podcasts: I don't feel like expanding on this. I feel like this is pretty self explanatory lol. The rise of loneliness on a systemic level: This mainly has to do with the disappearance of third spaces, long working hours due to inflation, and people being more isolated since the pandemic and how people need to touch grass but the grass is sometimes not there. I think this rise of lonliness and desire to have some form of control and meaning in these chaotic times is why there is so much radicalization on the internet and variety of mental health issues. I think this is something that a lot of us are aware of even more so after the pandemic revealed this more explicity and I really hope we have more walkable communities and third spaces in the future as well as more work life balance and benefits so that we can look back at the 2020s and cringe while acknowledging how far we have come. I really hope that we design systems so that the generations in the future are not as chronically online as we are.

Gonna be honest, I didn't read the whole post but I did read the OP. I get what you mean but I think that your definition of a party is too specific. A party in my eyes is any organized social gathering with multiple people (think 4+). You can have parties celebrating a certain thing (graduation party, birthdays, weddings, Christmas etc.), dinner parties / get togethers, parties around a certain activity (like a pizza making party). And these are great opportunities to meet new people (i.e. friends of friends, acquaintences) and/or strengthen the bonds you already have. And I wouldn't put relationship building and creating as an instant gratification/ low conscious activity. Parties don't have to be around alcohol, other drugs, and sex. And sure there are people who go out to clubs and bars as their main form of socializing, but I don't think that's most people. At least that's definitly not my social circle. If alcohol and casual sex isn't you're thing, that's perfectly fine. No need to force yourself to do that. I can see how there are aspects of the life style that isn't healthy but there are pleanty of people who go out to bars and club and do things in moderation and responsibly. It isn't always this kind of debauchery if you're being responsible and if you're around quality people who you have things in common with such as similar interests, hobbies and values. Sometimes you want a fun little drink and to dance with your friends as a way to spend time with them. You don't have to get wasted. And that's fine. Having other things in common and having a good foundation for your friendshipss is important because if you only have friends where the main thing you have in common is getting drunk with each other, that usually not a good sign. And honestly, I don't know many people who say that getting drunk in a club with the music blasting is the height of life unless they're like younger than 21. I think that when you're young and you didn't experience this or there are something you haven't gotten out of your system that you're most likely to over hype going to bars and clubs. I feel like when you get older, you can still go to these things and enjoy yourself but by no means do you base your social circle / self esteem/ relationships on this and make this bigger than it really is or think it's the "height of life." I don't know many people beyond college age who see clubbing and bar hopping as "the height of life" or their main form of socializing. If I encounter these kinds of people, I'd probably think that they are either working through something, the rest of their life sucks, or that they are emotionally stunted.

I wrote about this in my journal a while back: I know the post is kind of long but here is the gist of it:

The Toxicity of the 2010s After watching 3 hours of what a dumpster fire the 2000s were, I started thinking of the stuff that we would talk about when discussing the 2010s and 2020s (even though its only been 3 years lol) that we will look back and say didn't age well. I thought I'd just brain storm a bit. Unsupervised access to the internet for children: Whenever people talk about Gen X, they think of latch key kids who were left to their own devices to take care of themselves after school since their parents were the first generation where a lot of women entered the workforce and society was still adjusting to all of that. I think Gen Z, many of whom were children of Gen X or younger Boomers, had a similar experience with the internet instead where we were left to our on devices and many of our parents didn't know shit. I remember finding graphic hard core porn on Tumblr, seeing people get decapitated, seeing penises of 40 year old men at 13 because my friends and I thought it would be a good idea to get on Omegle during school, people getting groommed on Kik, paths leading to the alt-right and more. Meanwhile, my parents barely know what meme is. I wonder what discussions around internet safety and media literacy is going to look like going forward. I feel like there is some progress being made in terms of the rise of commentary videos, people publically talking about things on social media etc. I know the rise of the Gen Alpha iPad babies are becoming a concern in terms of screentime and emotional regualations. And this maybe an unpopular opinion, but I don't think the iPad babies are going to be that bad. I feel like the same arguements were made for things such as the Nintendo DS and PSP when I was growing up and I feel like people were making the same arguments for cable TV. Don't get me wrong, screen time is a problem, but it's a problem that is evolving and no generation is really exempt from it tbh. So lets not think that Gen Alpha is going to be a cohort of demon children due to the iPad baby phenomenon. Gamergate and the rise of the alt right: Much of this is I believe attributed to the rise of Donald Trump as well as a backlash against 3rd wave intersectional feminism. Despite the dumpster fire that was the 2000s, I do think that we shifted even further right after 2016, albeit a portion of the population. And of course, you have the polarization that came with all of that. I know I can probably write so much more on this but at this point it feels like pointing to the obvious. Rampant consumerism when it comes to makeup: I have watched people do entire deep dives on the beauty guru phenomenon and the drama that was there. I do think that the ways that beauty gurus made a fuck ton of money from YouTube, brand deals, and were being sent tons of free stuff really catapulted the perception that being a influencer, especially beauty influencer, was a lucrative business. One distinct memory I have is watching the makeup collection videos of various influencers out of this morbid curiousity. It was like looking at someone having their own personal shop. I think I saw a couple of commentary videos talking about this phenomenon in depth and I think we're at the point of cringing a little at this era since the makeup trends went from what was borderline drag makeup to the minimal clean girl aesthetic. I don't think the rampant consumerism went anywhere rather it was transfered to the 8 step korean skincare routine instead. I think a lot of the influence around this heavy makeup style was a combination of gay rights being more of a thing in this decade (hence the influence of drag), influencer marketting since the beauty gurus got money to push a ton of products and show off what they had, and the availability of makeup tutorials where people wanted to do crazier things with makeup. I don't think that the 2016 makeup style has completely gone away. I feel like you see it more with people who are really into makeup and like using it as a creative outlet and you do see it with hyper femme gays rather than the general trend among the normies. Sometimes you see it in a more formal setting where people just wanted to do their makeup a bit heavier. But I think there are parts of 2016 makeup that has been retired from the crusty matte overlined lips, the anastasia dip brow instagram eyebrows, and the unblended contour. Don't get me wrong, we would still roast people for that in 2016 because it meant they couldn't do their makeup well but since the pendulum has swung to the opposite direction, it feels even more stark. The romanticization of mental illnesss: I think this is much more of a tumblr thing if anything. I remember people romanticizing anxiety, depression, and eating disorders and it was generally speaking really cringy. I think that it was a product of the stigma around mental illness and it also doubled down on it while making it more visible in a sense. But over all, I think it was shitty in the way that it affected people and impressionable young people to think this was cool. I do remember there being much more of a stigma around mental illness and therapy in the early 2010s and it decreased towards the later part of the 2010s. I think it decreased a lot more after the pandemic since mental health issue was pretty rampant and it was something that was much more discussed with self care and wellness being emphasized more in the 2020s (more on that later). Cultural Appropriation: I feel like cultural appropriation was everywhere in the 2010s from the 2014 and onwards. The Kardashians were really at the forefront of this in the way that they would steal from black creators and small businesses and how whenever they did things associated with blackness (corn rows, street wear, wigs, long fake nails, BBLs, fake lips, speaking in AAVE, the blackcent etc.) they were praised for it whereas when black people did the same things or if they naturally had the features that the Kardashians had, they were often deemed as ghetto and ugly. Blackness was very much seen as a trend in this decade. Since I grew up in a predominantly black area, I was exposed to how all of this affected my community and discussions around cultural appropriation were common place. But I do remember people from predominantly white areas using black culture as a costume of sorts as a way to make themselves seem cool or hard. I remember feeling really weirdly about upper middle class white kids "acting hood." Like especially with the music they listened to (i.e. the frat guys who were waaay too into Travis Scott and Juice Wrld), they would often listen to the black artists that I remember typically other black people wouldn't listen to. And I have a theory that this happened people some of those artists reinforced stereotypes that white people had of black people and they romanticized things in hood as dangerous and sexy and a lot of black people just didn't resonate with that. And it's been weird in the 2020s so far with a lot of celebrities that took on this culturally appropriated aesthetic and shedding it to go back to whiteness or whatever is trending now. Think Kim getting rid of her BBL and all of her curves and Ariana changing races again. Wattpad: I'm just gonna leave this here The normalization of plastic surgery: While plastic surgery was mainstream but still shamed in the 2000s, I feel like plastic surgery became more accessbile in the 2010s from BBLs, lip injections, and the phenomenon that was Dr. Miami's content. I think there was a change in tone when it came to plastic surgery from the 2000s to 2010s wheras in the latter some people even thought it was empowering due to choice feminism and girl boss feminism. Basically, choice feminism is the belief that a woman's choice is inherently empowering because she is the one doing the choosing and girl boss feminism is the notion that something is empowering just because women are in a position power. As it relates to plastic surgery, I think people write off on how damaging it can be when it comes to painting this as an empowering choice for women. Because even though you're making this choice yourself, you choice doesn't exist in a vacuum. And don't get me wrong, not every choice a woman makes has to be empowering for women kind, she's allowed to make choices that make her feel good on an individual level. But I think it's important to have self-awarenss on this matter instead of perpetuating this idea that plastic surgery is empowering to women overall. Girl Boss Feminism + Hustle Culture: I touched on this in the section above but I feel like the 2010s and third wave feminism kind of brought intersectionality in the form of identity politics more so than critiquing capitalism. Don't get me wrong, identity politics and representations are important but when they are by themselves with no anti-capitalist critique, you can fall into the trap of perpetuating the same unjust system but with diverse group of oppressors rather than only straight white men. Girl boss feminism came with this notion that women led businesses were better and more empowering for women despite the fact that even these work places weren't immune to the shitty work conditions and the power imbalaces that are incentivized by capitalism. I also think that with girl boss feminism and the internalized misogyny from the early 2000s about needing to thrive in male dominated space, being an NLOG, rejecting your femininity, working yourself to the bone, etc. we basically gave a whole generation of women who are Millenials and Gen Z the message that "you can be anything." But instead, that got twisted to "you have to be everything." I believe there is a whole backlash and critique that we are seeing in the 2020s with the glorification of the soft life and being a stay at home wife (and even girl friend in some situation?!?!) which is a can of worms of its own. I also feel like hustle culture was emphasized more in the 2010s after the 2008 recession. It mainly has to do with how we have to have side hustles and participate in the gig economy for more money to "make it" compared to how most of our parents had get a degree and a 9-5 corporate job to have a stable life. Obviously, there are things wrong with the 9-5 corporate work structure but that doesn't mean that self employment is the right answer for everyone. I think hustle culture basically burns people out, isolates them, and we end up taking our exploitation into our own hands since we are still under late-capitalism. I think elements of flex culture and influence culture overlap here as well. Closing thoughts: This is by no means a comprehensive list but these are general things that were toxic in the 2010s that I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure as time goes by and as we progress that there are going to be even more things on this list that would make various things in the media at that time very dated and labelled as not aging well. I think that the 2010s were a dumpster fire similar to the 2000s but a different flavor. While the 2000s in my mind were more trashy in the form of slut shaming (and shaming women in general), internalized misogyny, trashy TV, rampant homophobia and ableism, and "edgy humor" etc. the 2010s was a dumpster fire because of the chaos due to late stage capitalism in the form of consumerism, girl boss feminism, and everything to do with Donald Trump, the shit that you can get exposed to as a child on the internet, and the foolery that comes with that from mental illnesses, groomers, the alt right etc.

The 2000s I wrote about the 2000s in my journal before and recently I watched a three part series analyzing the trends of the decade. I remember when Y2K was coming back as an aesthetic, I wasn't too excited about it because I got the flashbacks of all the low rise jeans, the fat shaming, and all of the butt cracks 5 year old me saw. I feel like the older part of gen Z that was born in the late 90s had this feeling while the people who were born in like 2002 and onwards had a more romanticized view of the decade likely due to limitted memory. And while I also have limited memory in that I mainly remember things from 2005 and onwards, the 2000s always felt like a giant meme at best and just trashy at it's worst. I just get the ick when I think of the 2000s. Bryony Claire did a 3 part series dissecting the toxicity in the 2000s and I found it informative and entertianing. Of course there was the nostalgia aspect of it where I was like *I remember that * and even if I don't remember it clearly, I do remember the vibes. And while I get a general ick feeling when thinking of the 2000s, it was interesting watching someone analyze it because in the 2000s, I was too young to have the critical thinking skill to know what was going on on a deeper level. This is like 3 hours of content and I felt that it was pretty throrough and there wasn't a moment that I felt was boring or extraneous. The 2000s were truly a dumster fire.

I thought both of these videos were interesting:

@RendHeaven

A More Materialistic Phase in My Life? So, I've been reflecting on what I've been focussing on lately, how my life is going now that I've moved out, and what my dream life would look like without any filters. I jotted some things down in my private journal and I noticed that a lot of my goals and the things I've been focusing on lately are pretty materialistic. Some of those things include having some better clothes, a beautifully decorated apartment, more money from my job, a career that resonates with me more etc. And I wanted to introspect as to why this was so. I went back to my previous post from March 2023, "How Aligned Am I To My Top Values," and made an updated post. I wanted to see if these desires were coming from a healthy place or if I got side tracked from what I actually care about. After making the updated post, I've basically come to the conclusion that I'm still living according to my values and that I feel relatively fulfilled in my life. I don't think I'm being materialistic for the sake of being materialistic. I think if anything, I feel rather full spiritually and content with my life but there are just some materialistic scratches that are left unscratched, especially since moving into my new place. Like the one thing that I think I've been fixated on for the past couple of weeks is shopping for a new couch. And after I made the purchase, I've just been counting down to the days it will be delivered. I've also been on Pinterest and Amazon a lot to find fun things for my new place and thinking of ways to decorate it. I'm trying to pace myself so that I don't spend a ton of money at once and so that I have time to think through my purchases and find good deals. But yeah, a lot of my time lately has been me pouring into that and me fantasizing about my Pinterest perfect apartment lol. At the same time, I don't want to get sucked into mindless consumerism, bad money habits, and get wrapped up in compulsary and conspicuous consumption. Not to mention the amount of money I've been spending this month has been higher than usual and it isn't just because of my new expenses. I think also living on my own so far has lit up something inside of me in terms of being more ambitious and money motivated since I have bills that I need to pay on my own now because I'm even more mindful of how much shit costs. I've always been a careful, frugal spender but most of the stuff I was spending my own money on in the past was food and college textbooks. And then once I got my job, I still spent money regarding my wants and social activities and I also started pitching in around the house more as well as any additional expeses that only pertained to me. I was fortunate enough to not have to work through highschool and college and have my college paid for mainly by scholarship and financial aid but my parents paid the remaining amount. I'm not stressed about money but I am aware that I have more responsibility now and in a way that motivates me to make more so that I can achieve my monetary goals and meet my responsibilities more effectively. I think I am entering a more materialistic part of my life but I don't think it's going to dominate my life. As for the materialistic scratches that have come up such as wanting some new clothes and new things for my apartment, I feel like once I get those things, I'll be good. I don't think this materialistic phase is going to last too long tbh lol but we'll see. I'll check back after I've gotten my new couch and brought my Pinterest visions to life.

To Do List 8/22 1. Decorate Your Apartment: move in your couch fix your dresser buy bar stools buy the remaining things on your list put up the window / privacy film 2. Get some nicer loungewear: A bunch of the lounge wear I have is really old (as in ranging from when I was in middle school to a couple years old) and are starting to get ratty. I also work from home and I think it's a good idea to get some nice clothes that I can wear around my place comfortably that will make me feel put together and that I can exercise in. 3. Find a therapist: My old one has moved away for further studies and I'm currently taking a break from therapy to see how I feel about my living situation. 4. Hang out with friends and have a conversation about your need for consistency in a relationship. 5. Figure out your relationship with your parents: boundaries + having difficult conversations 6. Speak to a financial advisor regarding what to do with my money and what direction I'm heading in: I think this will ease my relationship with money so that I'm not on edge as much any more. 7. Recommit to your career after taking a break 8. Read the books from undergrad 9. Start volunteering again with the school and start volunteering with the animal shelter 10. Explore my sexuality more with my partner

My Dreams Have Died I thought that this video was really interesting and that it kind of slapped some sense into my inner teenager. I grew up dreaming about being my own business owner or doing something that was more on the creative side only to realize over the years that this is probably not the path for me at least career wise. I liked the thought of wearing many hats, having a flexible schedule where I set my own hours, the creativity, the entrepreneurial spirit as well as having to be strategic with my money, time, energy, and resources. The Birth, the Inspiration, and the Life: Growing up I was also drawn to the thought of having my own business because that's what my dad did and I got to see his life style as well as how that was prosperous for us as a family. We had a decent and stable income and I got to spend a lot of time with my dad as a result of him being self employed. I vaguely remember us struggling when I was a baby / toddler but I was obviously too young to understand what was going on at the time. Basically, when I was around 2 years old, my dad got laid off from his job shortly after 9/11 (likely due to racial profiling but he will never admit to that) and he struggled to find a job in the months afterwards. All I remember from that time is spending a lot of time with my dad while my mom went to work. Basically, we would drop her off at the airport because she worked at a gift shop there and then my dad and I would go to Mcdonalds where I would eat a little hashbrown and some McDonald's Sprite and play with the kids there or play by myself. And as a 2 year old, I remember just enjoying myself without a care in the world and just enjoying the fact that I get to be with my dad. Afterwards, my dad gets this business opportunity and starts pursuing it which then eventually turned into his career for the past 20 years. I don't remember much from this time but I talked to my dad and he told me that he and my uncle were working 10 hour days 5 days a week for 2 years. After that, once it got off the ground, they cut their hours down to something more manageable because at this point my dad was in his late forties and my uncle was in his mid fifties and they wanted to prioritize their health / family. From then on, they both had six figure incomes that were stable over the years with the occassional spikes. In most years, my dad made around 100-150k but there was a year where he made about 300k. In that year, he put aside money for my college, paid for my private school, put a down payment on a house, paid for my grandmother (mother's side) apartment (I didn't know he was paying for the apartment until about 10 years later), had money saved aside for a few vacations as a family and so that my mom and I can visit family, and he put the money into various investments (which I'm still learning about). And I don't remember a spike ever happening because he spread out the money evenly and spent it responsibly over the years. As far as what I remember seeing as a child, I was put in a private school mainly because the schools in my area were kind of shitty, we got a new house that was two stories and had a pool on a discount because of the 2008 housing crisis, and we were financially stable. My dad also encountered some legal issues from people who weren't paying him for his services around 2009-2011. This caused more chaos emotionally in my family rather than financial. I didn't see any differences in my material conditions but I did remember that my dad had a short fuse, was easy to anger, and took things out on me and my mom verbally. On a brighter note, I did see both of my parents often. My mother was a stay at home mom and my dad worked about 4 hours a day on average. Sometimes he worked weekends if he didn't feel like doing something during the weekday or if it was more convenient. His schedule would be something along the lines of this: wake up any time between 8-11 , drive around to on site inspections for 2-3 hours, pick me up from school at around 3:30 and get something to eat, chill at home for a little bit and help around the house, and then do some paper work at night before bed. He had flexibility in his schedule and he could do a lot of things remotely (as far as the paper work went). Besides the legal issues, I didn't see this man ever be stressed out with work, much less with money. The Fear of Death and the Reconciliation of the Fear: This was the life that was modeled for me. My dad also didn't have a corporate job for most of my life and any knowledge he had of the corporate world was like circa 1990. He wasn't much help when it comes to finding a job after I graduated college and I got a lot of shitty boomer career advice if I'm going to be honest. I also built up this boogey man when it came to working a 9-5 job because I saw the people around me being overworked and the job market hasn't been too good. I didn't know what people did in an office job because neither of my parents worked in one during my life time so i didn't know what kinds of roles there were, much less what I would be well suited for. On top of that, I romanticized self employment because I saw the quality of life that my dad had and I didn't know about the behind the scene downsides of this lifestyle. For instance, I didn't know that we had really shitty health insurance until I had a medical issue. I'm blessed to have some form of insurance in the first place but even then, the process was stressful and expensive because our insurance didn't cover much and because many doctors were not covered. I didn't know about the extent of how volatile income can be when you're self employeed until we dealt with the pandemic where my house hold didn't have an income for a solid year and it still hasn't recovered fully due to things like inflation and this recession. I'm also more aware on the way that my dad had to manage multiple sources of income and invest in properties in order to have a shot at retirement and a stable life after he stopped working. While my corporate job isn't perfect, I do like the stable income, the amazing health insurance, and the structure of set hours. The job I have specifically also incorporated a lot of things that I liked about my dad's job: flexible working hours in the form of me choosing my shift, breaks and not being micromanaged, being remote like 90% of the time, minimum stress, and pleanty of time outside of work for me to pour into other areas of my life. I can wear multiple hats in this role and structure my time, energy, and resources in a way that works best for me specifically. As a result, even though working a 9-5 was a boogey-man to me, at least working a 9-5 at my current job is pretty damn great. Because of the way that the company is structured, I feel like I have the best of both worlds at times. A Peaceful Passing and Release: Rambling and personal backstory aside, the video above made me revist my dream of working as an entrepreneur/freelancer in a creative field. I had a lot of creative outlets as a child and I wanted to do a lot of things, much of which that Mohuya (the woman in the video) is doing. I see a lot of myself and the dreams I had in her path as a content creator, an artist/painter, and as a podcaster. I resonate with her content as a south asian person from her experiences, to her artistic style, etc. And on top of all of that, she is living my teenage dream of doing all of that and living in NYC. However, instead of looking at her life with envy or inspiration to do the same, I find it healing that someone is living this dream and I honestly found a lot of contentment in my own life. I realized over the years that while I have many creative outlets, it's probably for the better that I don't monetize them and if I try to make money off of my hobbies and rely on them for an income, particularly an inconsistent one, I would go insane from the financial instability and feel incredibly uninspired in my craft. Now that I'm older and I have more knowledge about the realities of being self employed, it's no longer on this pedestal for me because it comes with its own unique challenges. I also have more life experience in terms of the corporate life and it isn't as scary as it was like this time last year especially since I landed in a pretty good place (I wouldn't say I have a whole bunch of experiences, I've been working for like 8 months in this one big girl job). And don't get me wrong, even though I have a good corporate job, I'm not lost on the common struggles people deal with in an office environment regarding office politics, commutes, long working hours, constant exhaustion, and the general capitalist hellscape it can be. I'm just lucky enough to not have to go through like 90% of that. The way I see it, yes you do need to choose something according to your strengths and interests, but you also need to know what you can and can't put up with. In other words, sometimes you gotta pick a struggle that you are best adapted to. Some people thrive and find an immense amount of meaning in a enterpreneaurial/freelance type of job despite its volatility, lack of work life balance at times when you're hustling, and inconsistent working hours. Some of us just want a regular 9-5 job so that we can pay the bills and pour into other parts of our lives and that's the way that we incorporate meaning rather than feeling trapped in the monotony. Again, sometimes it's just about what you're willing to put up with and what you can handle. I guess ultimately, after watching this video and reflecting on my upbringing and current career situation, I think I'm okay for letting my dream of being a creative entreprenuer die a painless and peaceful death. I feel like that is better than my dream being brutally killed when I'm faced with the harsh reality that I personally would struggle to cope with. Who knows, maybe this dream will revive in a different phase of my life where I want to take the risk and initiative in such a venture. Unlike people, ideas never fully die, rather they shift and change, and wait for a potential second coming. And instead of feeling this sense of dispair and sorrow that is associated with the phrase of "your dreams dying", I feel content and at peace, like I have found a resting place for this dream, that it has and is fulfilling a purpose, and that I haven't left anything undone or any figment yearning for more, yearning to be kept alive.

Apply to and do some internships. Figure out what you want to do from there. Once you find something you like, be consistent with it until you are offered with a full time position or you have gotten enough experiences to apply to a full time position else where. If you want to do something that is technical in nature, do a few certification courses or do something in the trades.

Things I've Figured Out Careerwise A career in the care field or a creative field isn't for me and that is ok. It doesn't mean I'm any less creative or empathetic of a person in my regular life just because I don't want my career to consist of that. I did have some inner conflict when it came to taking on my current position at work because it wasn't what I envisioned myself doing growing up. Growing up I wanted to do something creative, that involved travel, and that emotionally gave back to people in some kind of social justice/empathetic kind of way. And my job currently doesn't fit that which made me feel like I was letting my inner teenager down since I was picking the stable corporate job over something more adventourous and glamorous. But I realized that not having a creative or empathetic career doesn't mean that I'm not a creative or empathetic person. And I think it's important to have an identity outside of your job as well because you are not your job and there is only so much a job can say about you and you life over all as far as fulfillment goes. This also has to do with boundaries. I realized that it would be difficult for me to do something in the creative field and do something like art (like painting, blogging, writing books, digital art etc.) professionally because making it into a job felt like I was taking the passion out for it. And over the years I realized that monetizing my creative outlets is not something that works for me and isn't something that I would find fulfillment long term. I like having my creative outlets for me just as a hobby and that's ok and that's the most meaningful way for me to embrace my creativity. If I were to do something creative, I will need to have boundaries as far as the outlets I use and how I use them. I can still embrace my creativity through my hobbies and free time in a light hearted way because my job with a good work life balance and financial stability allows me to do so. Similarly regarding care fields, I have thought about going into study to be a therapist, social worker, or life coach at one point as well. I made the decision back in college that I wasn't going to major in psychology because I knew that I have a tendency of being the therapist friend and I didn't want to double down on this unhealthy dynamic and have my career be based on that. Nevertheless, after working through my personal matters, I still found myself considering this. However, later I came to the conclusion that this is not something that I want to do professionally. Going into these kinds of fields isn't the same as helping your friend process a life transition and give her advice. While some therapy sessions are like that, you also have to deal with really heavy things such as violence, drug abuse, severe mental illness etc. and I don't thing I'm personally cut out for something like that careerwise. I'm also not willing to put myself through all of the schooling that goes with this both in terms of because it takes to long and since leaving the academic environment I realized it isn't the best fit and because academically, the subject of psychology just didn't mesh with me all that well. If I do something in the care field, it has to be something more indirect like working in the government for a social cause rather than something like working for an NGO, hospital, therapists office etc. I also engage with care related work through volunteering and I find that this works well for me in terms of boundaries. Short term and long term plans Short term: get a couple of promotions at my current place of work and work as a consultant and project manager While I was in college, there was a point in time where I wanted to go into consulting and another point in time where I wanted to go into project managment. I decided that I didn't want to go into consulting in the end because of the terrible work life balance and how badly people get treated in the field. And project managment isn't something that you can get into right after college without any work experience tbh. Consulting: I wanted to do consulting initially because I liked the problem solving aspect of it as well as being able to present my analysis and give advice on a certain matter. I found out that there are consulting positions in my company and that I can get after a couple of promotions. On top of that I found out that in this company, consultants still have work life balance and the company culture is pretty chill and healthy. So in other words, if I ever want to do consulting, it will have to be at my current company because I'm not risking going into a consulting firm and ending up working the 60+ hours that is the industry standard. Project Managment: I can also get a project management role at my company relatively easily instead of having to get multiple years of experience. Yes, even when I was looking into project management since I was in school I was worried about the work life balance but again, people are pretty chill at this company and the project managers don't seem overworked or anything. If I really want to do project management, I'll do it here. My strategy for the next 3-4 years is to get a couple of promotions, milk this company for a variety of career experience and learning/ development opportunities, and then transition into journalism. One thing that's really good about my role is that I wear many hats meaning I am gaining a lot of transferrable skills that can be applicable in many different places. And even if I decide isn't the path want to take, I still have a pretty stable job here and I'm sure I can do something else instead. Also, I think it's smart to stick to this company since the pay, culture, benefits, and career progression is good and I don't want to go out and deal with the recession. It's not like I'm in an unhealthy work environment or I can't pay my bills and I need to get the fuck out now. I can stick with this for the next few years and get what I need out of it while waiting the recession out. When I do make a transition, I'm going to do it in a way that makes sense and that is sustainable. Long term: get into journalism or if that doesn't work out, I can still have a stable job at my current place of employment or else where Plan A: Basically, long term I want to aim to do something in journalism. That may or may not involve grad school. Ideally, I can just get a job in the field since I have a lot of transferrable skills from documenting cases, public speaking, researching, asking good questions, working with people one on one, etc. I also have a couple of bachelor's degree that can factor into my transition quite well in terms of opening up the opportunities I have. Plan B: If the journalism route doesn't work out, I have the transferrable skills to do other things or I can find a different role in this company. Either way, my short term plans builds towards both plan A and plan B and I'm still going to have a career in the end of the day. Technical work isn't for me long term While I have the aptitude to do technical work, it isn't something that I am interested in or that I find fufillment in. I'm okay with the technical aspects being part of my work but I wouldn't want to have this dominate my entire role. Even though I have a technical role right not, I like the aspects of my job that are less technical and that is what I want to focus on in my career progression internally and externally from my company. But at the same time, I know that I don't want to do something in the tech industry long term mainly because of my lack of interest and as a result lack of motivation. Contrasting between what fits well for me academically, personally, and professionally This is something that I think needs to be a whole post for me to dive into. But basically, just because something fits you well academically and personally, doesn't mean that it will fit you well professionally and vice versa. I think part of it goes along with what I talked about above in respects to care and creative fields where even though it fits me personally and academically that it won't translate well professionally. But there is still more that I want to say on this topic and I don't want to get off topic from this post. What a healthy and sustainable work life looks like I think it's so important that my first job out of college has been in an environment that is healthy since it has normalized a lot of good practices that I have encountered. People respect my boundaries, I've never been overworked at this role, my manager is empathetic and works with me, I am given all of the resources I need to thrive, there is little to no office politics that I'm encountering, my coworkers are chill, I have good work life balance etc. And I think it's good for me to have this baseline of healthy experiences so that I can sniff out weird workplaces ahead of time and so that I have a healthy attitude towards work. Like I have seen people who have made their job their entire personality or have normalized hustle culture and let's just say it's not a good look lol. The type of environment that works for me I have realized that I work best in a noncompetitive work environment where we are encouraged to progress at our own pace. I think that I wasn't exposed to this kind of environment at school and even though I did good in school, I didn't feel like I was thriving. While I can deal with fast paced environments that requires me to multitask and wear lots of hats (thank you ADHD), I can't deal with an environment that will put a heavy workload on me or be in a constant busy season where I'm putting in 60+ hours a week. I am someone who would burn out very quickly in that kind of environment. This job taught be that I can learn a lot and make a lot of progress without over working myself or running myself to the bone. It taught me that I can learn just as much in a healthy environment in a happy season in my life as opposed to different trials and tribulations in life. It taught me that while I don't want to be a high pressure, competitive environment that I still like jobs that incorporate a variety of skills and that aren't extremely slow. In other words, working 60+ hours a week isn't the answer nor is a head empty, no thoughts slow job the answer for what fits me well.

A Reflection on My Habits from Earlier this Year So out of these, I've bolded the things that I haven't been super on top of and I wanted to reflect on that a little bit. I don't have much of a skincare routine anymore other than wash and moisturize. I haven't been to therapy in like 2 ish weeks. My social life has been a bit dry. I haven't really been journalling or meditating all that much. I haven't been volunteering since I voluneteer at a school and well, school hasn't been in session during the summer months. And I haven't really been consistent at the gym for the last 2 ish weeks either. Life just happened, I moved, work got busy, and I temporarily got out of some habits but I don't see this being a long term thing. I'm pretty sure I can get back to my healthy habits soon. I wanted to bring all of this up because I journaled in the past on how I felt like I was coping against capitalism albeit in a healthy way using good habits. At the time I was writing my previous entry, I had been working for 2 months, I was still getting used to my job and I was having an existential crisis. And part of me was afraid that my good habits were softening the blow against the dissatisfaction I had with my job and I were to take those habits away that I would not be doing well mentally. I want to push back against those notions. One, I had some initial dissatisfaction with my job because it wasn't what younger me had in mind right after college and it wasn't this perfect fit with what lit me up inside. I think now, I'm in a place where I've settled into my role and I can acknowledge some of the dissatisfaction but I also found things I like about my job and I have figured out some plans for my future to look forward to (more on that in a future post). Two, I haven't been engaging in some of the habits above and I noticed that my life and mental wellbeing hasn't dissolved. Don't get me wrong, the habits I bolded above did add to my life but I wouldn't say that taking them away took away my sense of stability. As a result, I feel that calling these habits a coping mechanism against capitalism is not accurate and that I should give myself more credit for the stability I have created for myself. Like I'm still stable on my own and I'm not in a position where I'm holding on to dear life in any aspect of my life. Honestly, out of the things I listed above, I think I would mainly start to unravel once I started neglecting my physical needs like sleeping and eating well, got into a toxic work environment, and if I lost my job. Those I'd say are more on par with coping with capitalism lol. In conclusion, most of my good habits aren't a cope against capitalism and a desperate hold on to dear life for my mental stability as I thought it was. Rather, they're just good habits that add on my life but I can still sustain myself without it, even though life is better with these habits.

Thoughts on Moving Out So I have quite a few things on my mind since moving out: Stress around finances: I will be honest and say part of it is my weird relationship around money and another part of it is me trying to adjust to being financially in charge of my life. The application cost plus deposit was around $850 which isn't even covering first month's rent. I also paid $350 to get my car fixed this month and had to pay $85 to pay for internet along with the activation fee for the upcoming month. And as usual I'm in charge of contributing to the household a little bit by doing my groceries, paying for gas, and doing social things which usually consists of about $350-$500. I'm usually used to spending $350-$500 montly but obviously, this month has been more expensive due to various reasons that consists of necessity. It's still very much within my means because of the money I saved up living at home, the amount that I get paid, and the amount I was anticipating moving out was going to cost me. I was thinking I would need to pay first month's, current month's, and last month's rent plus spending month on furniture and other expenses but I didn't have to spend nearly that amount of money. I'm just not used to spending this much money and that gives me anxiety even though I'm not spending it frivolously. This last week I have been anxious about how much I was spending and how doing anything at all felt like I was costing myself from turning on the fan, cooking dinner, etc. I mean, I know nothing is free and that shit costs money but I guess it wasn't in the forefront of my mind since I wasn't the one taking care of all of it before now. I already have a weird relationship around money that results in a lot of guilt when it comes to spending on myself and I'm seeing it creep up when it comes to things that I really need. I found myself beating myself up for getting groceries, buying a water pitcher with a filter since the water in my unit tastes a little funny, and buying other things I needed for the apartment. I've talked about this with my therapist and we thought it would be good for me to see a financial advisor. About 15% of my paycheck goes into my 401k. And though I know this is important and a good/responsible financial decision, since I'm only 23 years old and retirement isn't really in my radar, it really feels like a pay cut more than anything. I'm also saving a fuck ton of money and while I have some financial goals, all of this is a little amorphous and as a result, it's like I'm in this scarcity mindset where I feel the need to pinch every penny and I don't have the clearest/ most tangible idea as to what is the numeric benefit of my 401k contibutions. A heightened awareness around my physical safety and well being: I guess this just has to do with me being a woman who lives alone and is getting used to it. I'm finding myself being extra vigilant of myself and my keys going out, vigilant in making sure my blinds are closed and my door is locked etc. And of course, there is also a fear of people finding out that I'm a woman who lives alone because god know what kind of sickos exist. Let's just say, I'm going to be taking some extra security measures. Dealing with being alone + matters around friendship after college: So this is an ongoing thing that I have been dealing with for the past couple months or so. Basically, all of my friends are busy and it's been difficult to make plans with them and as someone who has a need for consistency in relationships, this has been affecting me. I do know that I have genuine friends and that they genuinely have a log going on in their lives but it still hurts because I miss them and I enjoy building our friendship and hearing what's going on with their lives. My sense of lonliness is more about missing people and missing this area of my life that I got a lot of fulfillment from rather than any kind of self deprecation or insecure attachment. I say this because I have felt the later in the past and this doesn't feel the same way. I would characterize it as a general feeling of saddness and a little mourning that hits you everynow and then rather this wave of anxiety/insecurity/ depression around "Did I do something? Do they secretly hate me? Am I not important to anyone and am going to die alone? etc." I think it especially started hitting at around June. I spent much of may isolating so that I can use time to take care of myself after the shooting. By the time June rolled around, I realized I processed much of what I was going through and that now I need to get back into my healthy habits including working out, getting out of the house, sleeping and eating right, and making plans with friends. And by the time I felt ready to get out of my cocoon after processing a traumatic situation and start connecting with people again, everyone else was bouncing around / were in their bed rot and done with life era. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't know a better word to use but I felt abandoned in a sense. And I think given that I'm only 7 months post grad, it's hard for me to keep this sense of perspective that this might be a season and not just what my life is like now where all of my friends are busy with their lives and I'm left alone I talk to on a regular basis except my boyfriend. I don't want to be that girl whose only friend is their boyfriend and who gets much of their needs met through a romantic relationship. Thankfully, I talked about this with my therapist and we discussed what my needs were in a relationship, platonic or romantic, and how each party in my life were meeting these needs. From that conversation, I noticed that I'm not overly reliant on my man but the big thing that he is fulfilling at the moment but my friends are not is the need for consistency. And I guess it sometimes feels like he is fulfilling so many needs in comparison is because I'm spending more time with him at this point. But what does all of this have to do with me living alone? Basically, while this isn't my first itme being on my own, it is my first time living alone. And I did have a little bit of an existential crisis over everything I discussed earlier likely because it's closer to the forefront of my mind and since I'm living alone for the first time, this is an adjustment. It's Sunday and I didn't have an existential crisis about this since Wednesday lol so I think I'll be ok. Figuring out what to do with the relationship with my parents: This is one of the big reasons why I wanted to move out. I know that living with them long term was resulting in a slow and steady decline to my mental health. And I think that financially being tied to them is also affecting my judgement regarding what I want to do with this relationship. I'm still calling them every other day for like 5 min just to let them know that I'm ok and for questions on settling in at my new place. That hasn't been bad but basically, I think it will take some time for me to see what boundaries make sense to me and how I feel about me being on my own. So far I will say, I do think I got an instant sense of peace of mind similar to how I felt when I moved into the dorms in college. But we'll see how this pans out.

I MOVED OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE!!! I moved out of my parents' house on 7/31. I spend much of July apartment hunting, having an existential crisis about the cost of living and the cost of rent, and dealing with various fights with my parents regarding why I want to move out now. But I did it and I found a great place that is within my budget I was hoping for. I like the floor plan, the gym, the management that seems pretty chill and on top of things, how my parking spot and washer/dryer are included without additional charges, and that it is closer to my friends and boyfriend. The two weeks leading up to me moving in just felt like nonstop zoomies. I kept envisioning all of the ways I'm going to grow as a person, how I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near by, how it's going to be easier to spend time with my friends and boyfriend now that I don't live so far away, how I'm going to be more responsible / have more self efficacy and independence, and so much more. I couldn't sleep the night before the move because I was thinking about all of those things. It's been so long since I felt this excited about something to where I was counting the days and I was losing sleep like a kid going on a field trip. The move has gone well for the most part. I have been pretty busy this week because of the move and because of work since it is the beginning of the month and we tend to be extra busy during this time: Monday: Moved in, had my boyfriend over, ate dinner, and went grocery shopping. Tuesday: Commuted to work because my laptop charger was acting weird, I didn't have wifi yet. and because I wanted to test my commute. Had a super busy day at work and then I went to dinner with a few friends. Then my friends came over to see my new place since my apartment wasn't too far from where we were eating and my boyfriend helpped me set up the internet. Wednesday: Commuted to work again to get my laptop charger, went to Walmart to get some things I still needed, and meal prepped. I also finished unpacking. And finally, I had a bit of an existential crisis that night regarding how much money I was spending and how I felt a little alone in my frienships. More on that in the next post. Thursday: At this point I was feeling pretty exhausted from the week and work felt like hell. I did get a therapy session in as well during my lunch break. Created a maintenance request for pest control since I realized that my unit had a bug problem. A couple bugs, that's fine, but it felt like I was seeing more and more everyday. I went to Target because I needed some things but they weren't there when I went to Walmart yesterday and I was too tired to swing by Target. Then I ate dinner, paid my bills, and went to sleep Friday: Work felt like hell and I found out that my unit lowkey had a bug problem. It was driving me nuts so I decided to do my work day at a Starbucks because I wanted my fun little drink and I really needed to focus. I started feeling overwhelmed with work tbh. After a long day, I decided to chill in the apartment clubhouse area because I didn't want to be alone with the bugs. Then, at 6pm, when the leasing office closed and as a result I had to get back to my unit, I saw another bug. I freaked out and thankfully my boyfriend was near by so I had him kill the thing and help me clean up the other dead bugs I saw. I just felt really grossed out, nauseated, and overwhelmed. And then afterwards, we made dinner together and cuddled. Saturday: Spent the morning with my boyfriend, worked out, went to the movies with a friend, and then came back and ate dinner. I watched some TikToks, rearranged some furniture, and now I'm writing because I'm forcing myself to since it's been too long and because I want to clear my head of some things.

Thinking of my 16 year old self I think the reason why I think of my 16 year old self so much is because I'm stuck in my childhood home, because I had a lot of thoughts on how I wanted my life and adulthood to go at that age, and beause I'm healing parts of my teenage self. The Angst Today, I caught myself thinking about the angstiness I had when I was 16 and the whole pale grunge Tumblr aesthetic that was popular in like 2014 ish. I thought of a lot of the things that made me angsty ranging from family issues, political stuff, learning how to deal with feelings, stress from school, dealing with the death of a loved one, and that one guy I couldn't stop thinking about at the time. Sure I can look and laugh and cringe at the way I was dealing with all of this and the silly trends that were present at the time, but I do think much of the things I was going through was valid considering I was a child with little to no guidance from the adults around me or dealing with misguided advice from the adults around me. Family issues: At that age I didn't know much about generational trauma and the full extent it was affecting me. There was a lot of depression that came from this notion and the household I was in. Learning to deal with feelings + dealing with grief from losing a bunch of family members: Again, generational trauma is at play here. I come from a family whose main coping mechanism is brushing things off and distracting oneself and it's seen as a strength to be stoic / unaffected my things. I bottled up a lot of emotions as a teenager on top of the emo kid I already was. Intimacy and vulnerability were definitely not in my vocabulary. Grief and all of the things that came along with that was also a big challenge for me at this age that I didn't really get much help from the adults around me. Stress from school: I took on a bunch of extra activities and classes so that I could get into a great college. I don't regret this one bit but I do think that my parents could've instilled the values of developing a work ethic and finding fulfillment in education in a less traumatic way. I had a lot of adults around me make it seem like school and the college you get accepted to will make or break your life and that really fucked me up my senior year when things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to and I thought my life was over. Political Stuff: I was 17 when Trump got elected and the whole campaign leading up to that was so chaotic that I just wanted to up and leave the country. And understandably so since I am an asexual woman of color who wasn't as experienced with dealing with oppression since I was in a sheltered environment with other gay POC. I think that was a good thing because I never had that sense of self hatred in me growing up but at that age I didn't know how to process the political stuff that was going on around me and I was concerned with how it could affect me and my loved ones. That one guy I couldn't stop thinking about: I was friends with this person and he never liked me back. I never pursued him because I had other things going on and I decided that it was best for me to move out, get therapy, and then worry about dating. And at that time, that choice not to pursue him felt like the end of the world because I thought he was a great guy. But I guess at that age, it was difficult to understand just how small my dating pool was and how small my world was when I was in highschool. It was also hard for me to imagine meeting other amazing guys as well. And at that age, I wasn't hormonal as maybe a lot of other adults would write me off as but more so lacking in life experience to have perspective on the situation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Big differences between me at 23 vs me at 16 Sense of time: 16 year old me had a very difference sense of time in terms of how long things were. At 16, the thought of spending 4-5 years doing one thing felt monumental. And understandably so because 4 years is like a quarter of your life at that age. I think it also has to do with my prefrontal cortex developing because if I recall correctly, as your frontal lobe develops, so does your ability to think and plan long term (this may also have contributed to my procrastination habit I had til I was 20ish that evened out for the most part after I turned 21). At 16, I also found inspiration in people acheiving things when they were young because to me it meant that I could also be successful quickly and my young age of 16 wasn't something that was so small and unimpactful. Now at 23, dedicating my time on something for 4+ years doesn't seem unreasonable. I'm also developing an idea as to what I want my life to look like long term. And now I find inspiration in people who achieve things later in life because it means that I don't have to rush to figure things out and I can experience so many other aspects of life in the meantime. Feeling the rush to figure things out: 16 year old me felt like she needed to have everything figured out by 18. That's what my parents and teachers were telling me when it came to majors and college admissions. Also, the thought of turning 18 and moving out into college was daunting to me at the time and 18 was my scary age in terms of trying to have it all figured out. There was also a fear I had on doing something wrong and having it fuck me up financially for years which I blame much of the *millenials buy too much avocado toast and that's why they can't buy a house and pay off their student loans* rhetoic circa 2016. And at that time I didn't know how capitalism worked and how systemic a lot of these issues were. Instead, I put a lot of pressure on myself. Now at 23, I feel like that pressure to a certain extent paid off since I started working on myself and asking tough questions early. But now I'm also much more comfortable with what is my own timeline and I don't blame myself as much because while I'm late in some instances, I'm earlier in other instances compared to my peers. Over all, I feel like I'm at a good spot and I'm just enjoying myself. Ability to be vulnerable: At 16 I was pretty emotionally constipated, had an insecure attachment style that prevented me from deepening my friendship, had issues with communicating boundaries, had a lot of internalized misogyny, used saltiness as a way of covering up how I was actually feeling, and thought it was a flex that I rarely cried because stoicism and having my life together was a wall that made me look put together. Yeah.... I have worked through much of that over the years Increased life experience: I think I had a good sense of self at that age and that since then I still have the same ideals and values. But, what's different between then and now is that I have more life experience that solidifies said ideals and values and fleshes them out more due to the practical circumstances I encountered. And by fleshing them out, I mean that life experience gave me a more tangible way of seeing how my ideals and values manifest as well as add nuance in dealing with these things head on. A greater sense of self-efficacy: Similar to having more life experience, I also feel like I am expontentially more confident and competent than my 16 year old self because I have lived alone, I have educated myself more fully, I have travelled around, I have gotten out of my home town, have learned to drive, gotten rid of a lot of my shyness and social anxiety, learned how to speak publically, gotten a job, and gotten clearer about my career among other things. I think this life experience has also added onto the tool kit of me being able to tackle other life challenges that would have took 16 year old me down immediately. I like to think of it as me being able to leg press +400 lbs now and how that sense of physical fitness translates to other activities vs how I couldn't leg press 170lbs at 16 but on an emotional level. More Risk Averse / Stability Oriented: I'm more risk averse now at 23 than I was at 16 and I think it mainly has to do with COVID tbh. I also feel like now I have a less romanticized view of things I used to consider adventurous either because I got some things out of my system or I've seen other people attempt to do things and they weren't as I thought as it was going to be. I got some travelling out of my system and I lived closer to downtown and that helped me realize that I don't need to travel 24/7 to have a fulfilling life and that maybe I ddin't want to live in NYC rather I just wanted to live in a walkable area. I also realized that things like consulting, entrepreneurship, a lot of creative fields, and social media influencing aren't as glamorous as they seem and while they have their pros, they also have a lot of cons, some of which I don't feel comfortable with taking on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be impressed by if she saw me today I know a lot of these things seem really basic to me now but I think it goes to show what is impressive to a 16 year old in terms of what they think having your life together looks like vs what is normal/ good at this age. I think I'm putting this as a reminder of *hey, you're doing pretty good, younger you once upon a time dreamed of this life.* Me having a close group of friends who I catch up with regularly and do things like get brunch and go to little coffee shops downtown. Me making decent money out of college and figuring things out in the corporate world while balancing life well. Not procrastinating / having time managment skills / being on top of things Being in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship with the guy I'm with right now + the way I navigate romantic situations The places I've traveled to and the interesting experiences I have had Graduating with a double major Being able to confidently have an inkling about what I want with my life Working out on a regular basis Knowing how to do my makeup and my natural hair The amount of healing and self development work I have done My diverse taste in music, food, etc. The fact that highways don't freak me out anymore The fact that I grew out of my social awkwardness My ability to cook and generally look after myself (chores, doctors appointments, budgetting etc.) My emotional intelligence and I guess the life experience and advice I have to offer to her lol The fact that I'm not in a constant existential crisis My ability to handle certain situations ranging from dealing with crazy fanatics, logistical issues, picking my battles, helping my friends etc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be disapointed by if she saw me today I do take much of this with a grain of salt and I feel like working through a lot of this is me working through my inner child / teenager wounds. How I'm taking a slower, stabler, less risky approach to my career and how I'm not doing something super creative, adventurous, fulfilling or interesting: I've done a whole post about this before. How I am still kinda chunky + have body image issues: Sometimes I feel like a teenager who is still waiting for a glow up to come but the glow up never came. I look mostly the same since I was 16 and I still have a lot of the same body image issues I had then now. The fact that I still live with my parents at 23 in Dallas, TX. : 16 year old me wanted to get out of this house as soon as she got the chance. I feel like she would be pretty upset by the fact that I went to college in Dallas and am currently living with my parents. I think it would create a feeling a hopelessness and a feeling of being stuck for her.

I feel like there isn't one set age rather there are factors involved that you want to consider: 1. Are you in a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship for at least a year or two (given that you aren't like in your teens or early 20s)?: This is the bare minimum but honestly a lot of people stumble on it because they're so focused on getting married / engaged and living life on a timeline of *I need to get married before 30* 2. Do you know what your long term plans are and what settling down looks like for you? : Having a healthy happy relationship is not enough to sustain a marriage. Both of yall need to have similar plans in life and a way that you can coordinate that. Big life decisions aren't something that you compromise on. Say one partner wants to have 3 kids and the other one wants to be child free. That's not going to work. Or say one partner wants to live in California and the other wants to live in Florida. Settling down in the middle in rural Kansas is going to make both parties resentful, bitter, and miserable with one another. And usually imo when you're under 25 ish, it's harder to say how you want to settle down and find a partner accordingly because you're growing and changing so much as a person than compared to when you are in your early 30s for example. 3. Are you and your partner financially stable and self sufficient? : Money becomes a huge factor in divorce so having this area of your life straightened out can help preventing a lot of issues. Both of you guys need to be self sufficient because being with a bum of any gender can create issues in the long term and cause the dependent party to feel trapped and the supporting part to feel obligated. In both cases, you get logistical issues and emotional problems since it creates conditions and dynamics where it's hard to be healthy, happy, and passionate. If there is a time you think you want to take time off work to take care of a child for example, have that conversation early on to see if you have similar expectations and ability to follow through on that and get a prenup to protect yourself legally. 4. Are you aware of the legal and financial implications of this decision? : I think marriage gets romanticized so much to where people forget that this is one of the most legally significant things most people do next to dying. Know your rights and how all of this works. Financially, this also goes back to the long term plans point. You guys need to be able to talk about money, how much you make, as well as any debts and financial goals you may have. For example, say you decide that you want a kid. Kids cost a fuck ton of money. In this case, it's not only necessary to marry someone financially self sufficient but depending on how you want to raise your child, you will need more than just self sufficiency from yourself and your partner.

Just a thought but there is something about writing on a forum about how much you have grown as a person using somewhat measurable means that feels a bit cringe and pretentious. I really hope I don't sound high and mighty and more concious than thou but instead that I show an frank take on where I'm at with my life lol.

Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stages I reread the 9 Stages of Ego Development paper and rewatched the video yet again. I took closer notes compared to last time back in 10/2022. I feel like certain parts of the Stategic states are things that I'm encountering more closely right at the moment compared to before. I find it interesting how there are so many things that I'm resonating with and how there are even things that I have worked through in the not so distant past (like in the span of the last six months to year and a half). I'm also excited to see who I'm going to become in this process in these next few years and what I'm going to understand / discover about life as a whole. I feel like, if I were to roughly quantify it as a way to visualize and conceptualize my development, that I'm 15% Strategist, 60% Construct Aware, and 25% Unitive. I found the Strategist stage as a list of thoughts, emotions and experiences that I've had in the past and that I've found my own conclusions for largely but at the same time there are a handful of things that resonate with me in the present which I will be writing about below. The Construct Aware stage still feels like my center of gravity. And finally, when it comes to the Unitive stage, I can understand everything in this section on an intellectual level, but I would say that I resonate with it emotionally about half of the time. And even then, I'm think I have some ways to go when it comes to being able to embody it and fully experience it. Nevertheless, I included a good portion of things I resonate with from that section and expressed my thoughts on it. I'm going to list those down below as well as the ways that I'm connecting it back to my regular life and my general thought process at this time. I don't feel the need to expand much on the Construct Aware Stage since I feel like it's my center of gravity and because I feel that the original paper does a better job at breaking things down than I could tbh. And if I were to copy and paste portions that I resonated with, I would just post the entire section and this post would be too long lol. I don't really see any of these as problems to be solved or things that I need to work through such as in the previous stages and in my previous posts. Even though my previous posts in this series focused on that more, I left out these types of reflections off for the sake of succinction and organization. It was also because some of the stages I wasn't experiencing fully at the moment but there was some unhealthy manifestations and residue that was left off from the past that I wanted to address to further my development.

Spiral and Ego Development Check I do these twice a year to see where I'm at as a quick temperature check. I forgot to do one last month towards the end of April so I'm doing one now. I'm also cleaning up the posts so that it's more cohesive and doesn't have commentary and crossed off bits from the previous times I have done this. But of course, you can look this up by going to the previous post. Closing thoughts: October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages. Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing June 2023: I think at this point it's kind of like I mixed all of the right ingrediants and followed the correct directions to making a lovely cake and now I'm just waiting for it to bake since I put it into the oven. I do have good money management skills and I'm waiting on my savings to accumulate over time. I am on a good path career wise and I'm waiting for that to develop over time as I gain more skills and experiences and see more of what is out there. My frontal lobe development is pretty on point and I'm watering the plants that are my good relationships and I'm watching them grow and flower. I think I have a really good handle on things and I'm on track to reach various goals. And now we wait for things to finish baking. I think I need to do another post delving into the construct aware and strategist stages even more.

Healing? The following weeks have been rough after the first week since the shooting. I haven't been writing much mainly because I don't think I had much to write about regarding the subject since I let our a lot of my thoughs and emotions in the previous posts. The week after my posts, I mainly found myself feeling depressed and frequently agitated at work with the occasional crying spells. The week after that was better during my waking hours but at nights I would frequently get violent nightmares. I also kind of caught myself feeling kind of burnt out from work, mainly because I haven't really used my PTO this year and because of the emotional burden. The nightmares have been fucking with me. Not only do they throw off my sleep schedule because I wake up in a terror and have issues with falling back asleep, but instills this weird panic response whenever I hear my alarm go off. Granted by alarm in the morning isn't super loud or obnoxious but still, I catch myself with a really fast heart beat and shortness of breath when I wake up to my alarm. This last weekend was Memorial Day. I found myself feeling much better after having a 3-day weekend and a 4 day work week. I had my boyfriend over while my parents were out of town and just being able to fall asleep next to him helped me feel safe. I've only had a couple of nightmares since then. I think the decrease in nightmares is attributed to time as well as his presance. This last week was still depressing, though more mildly compared to these past couple of weeks. I think it more so has to do with my strained relationship with my parents as well as how I haven't really been going out of the house since the shooting. Starting with my strained relationship with my parents, or should I say my mom. The honey moon stage of me being back home has been fading in the last couple of months but I think it ended when my mom brushed off with how I felt about this shooting. A few days after the event, she asked me how I was doing and I responded with something along the lines of *I'm just here, just trying my best to get through the day.* Mind you, this was less than a week out. And she responded with "oh, why??" Like GIRL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?!?!?!? I managed to calmly explain that the shock of the shooting is still affecting me to which she just responded with a peppy "Oh, right" followed with nothing after. No "is there anything you want to share", no "please let me know if you need anything", no "I'm here for you." Honestly, that pissed me off. A few days later, she was like "why haven't you been going to the gym?" I then told her that I've been anxious about going out in public to which she responded with bringing up the few times I managed to get out in public and by saying how this isn't an excuse to physically let myself go. I felt really angry about this situation because of how out of touch, tone deaf, and short sighted it was. Like... where tf are your priorities?!?!?! She's more concerned about the fact that I'm not working out and me possibly gaining weight than me mentally dealing with a MASS SHOOTING. Anyways, that confirmed that even though I had a life transition that she's stil the same person despite very surface level change. I had a good crying session about this and various other things that have come up regarding my relationship with her in therapy so I have processed a lot of this stuff. As for going out of the house, my mom was referring to the time when I went out with my friend twice and how I had a birthday party that weekend as well. The former was with a friend who was graduating and leaving the country so those two times were the last time I could hang out with them until god knows when. The later was with a friend whom I didn't talk to in a minute and my other friend who was invited was leaving the state the next day. Other than that and going grocery shopping, I haven't really left the house. I think I got Chipotle on one day and icecream on another. But that's it. Even when I've been hanging out with friends, I've been making it a point to explain my situation so that we aren't in a super commercial and busy area because the last time I was there I started getting a panic attack out of nowhere. I've been trying to get myself to get out of the house more since I cannot keep functioning like this and because being cooped up in home with my parents is it's own kind of problem. I haven't gone out of the house since last Thursday. It's Satuday now so it's been more than a week. Normally the gym is the thing that gets me out of the house since I work from home. Also, I think not moving around as much is also affect my mentally. Not only that, but part of me just really misses going. That's something that I'm trying to get back into in the coming week. I've tried to get myself this week and it didn't work but it is what it is. Dealing with things like this takes time and it's important to be gentle with yourself. And even though I'm doing better, I still feel conflicted about that. I find it fucked up that I'm able to move on from this, especially since there were 5 different mass shootings on Memorial Day weekend last week. I did feel something again, that something being a sense of pessimissm and helplessness summed up by *here we go again.* Definitely, I'm still sad but I can see the numbness creeping back up again. But at the same time, while there is a part of me that feels like I'm underreacting, there is a part of me that feels like I'm overreacting. The overreacting has to do with how everyone around me seems to be dealing with this better than I am. It's just back to normal. Meanwhile, I can't sleep because of the nightmares and I went 2 weeks having crying spells. Like I feel like I'm reacting more even compared to those who I know who live in Allen, not to far away from the mall. I feel crazy and over sensitive for acting this way despite not being there and having less proximity. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm doing the absolute most, even while writing all of this out.

Yeah I get the concern. There was one a little more than a week ago near where I live in a place I frequent at. I had friends who had family members who were there that day and saw everything and knew one of the victims. I'm still shaken up by this as it's hitting so close to home. I think it's a normal response to be concerned about this due to the frequency and due to the possiblity that it can happen anywhere. It also means you're not completely desensitized. Sure there are worse things happening (you can say that about literally anything) but that doesn't mean that we downplay or normalize something like this, especially since it's preventable and doesn't happen nearly as much or nearly at the same deadly levels as in the U.S.