soos_mite_ah

Nihilism Part 3: Comparing the Mindset of My Immigrant Parents to My Ennui I watched this video again and I had a lot of thoughts regarding the things I've heard growing up from my immigrant parents. For context, my mom grew up in India from 1966 to 1994 and my dad grew up in Bangladesh from 1958 to 1981. On top of that, my dad experienced a war and a genocide in his early teen years. Both of my parents immigrated to the U.S. in their 20s. I was born and raised in the U.S. I lived in Texas my whole life but growing up I would visit family in India every other year for about 2-3 months. The portion I really want to focus on from the video for the sake of this post is from 9:45 to 18:09. I pretty much quoted the entire thing and I inputted my thoughts as I went along in blue. I also highlighted specific words and phrases that stood out to me and I underlined broader concepts that resonated with ideas I grew up around.

Nihilism Part 2: Career Frustration I think taking time off to go to DC and the long weekend from Memorial Day has helped with my feelings of burn out. But I’m also dealing with the existential crisis that was triggered last week when I missed an email that said I needed to do a presentation. I made an honest mistake and a little one at that but it sucks the way that it’s a huge deal. I also think it triggered underlying feelings of being micromanaged and being nitpicked. I do think I can improve when it comes to being proactive and being professional but I also don’t have that motivation because I don’t care about this job AT ALL. I have never felt more of an urge to put in my two weeks or just impulsively walk out with no plan. I know that’s not a good idea but it’s in the back of my mind. Rather than trying to transcend my feelings of anger and regulate suppress them, I’ve tried to make it a point to hold on to it. Maybe it will propel me to take control over my life and cause me to rage apply. I also had a long conversation with one of my friends about how I don’t really have a fire in my soul per my birth chart (cuz we like to use astrology as a short hand for discussing personal qualities lol) and that causes things such as me lacking energy, lacking main character energy, lacking initiative, lacking impulsivity, and lacking in my anger responses. There is a good side to most of these things. I might be low energy but I’m also a relatively chill person who can find joy and fulfillment in the little, quieter things in life and I don’t have to be constantly stimulated. My lack of main character energy often manifests itself as me being humble and not making bad, plot worthy decisions. I’m not impulsively doing dumb shit. I’m not sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and being obnoxious with my sense of initiative. Finally, my lack of anger responses allows me to think through things clearly and not jeopardize my relationships. Nevertheless, there are downsides which triggered this existential crisis. My low energy causes me to not work as hard or play as hard. My lack of main character energy leaves me feeling like I’m not engaged with life and that I cannot hype myself up and advocate for myself. My lack of initiative and impulsivity causes life and opportunities to pass me by. My lack of anger responses causes me to not take action in correcting what I feel is unjust and stops me from standing up for myself. Instead, I find myself crying in the corner, rotting in bed, and scrolling endlessly on social media. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is how my response to stress or someone coming at me crazy is flight/freeze instead of fight. Like lowkey, one of my regrets from high school is how I didn’t join the debate team, because maybe if I did, I would have some fucking balls. Anyways, so lately, since noticing the lack of fire in my life, I found myself thinking about all of the areas of my life this manifests in and how I kind of suck as a person. I feel like me zoning out in front of my phone plays a huge role in this, even if I watch things that are relatively better than slop. Like sure, it’s good that I’m still intellectually engaging with the world around me. But I’m not taking action and in that sense, I’m disconnected from life itself as it passes me by. This really started to sink in after watching the Vaush video I linked in the first Nihilism post but also after I watched the video below on literacy. Thankfully, I can understand the passages that the video talked about if I slowed down and read them, but it’s still concerning that it was any bit challenging. Here is my little running list of the ways that I suck as a person and am disconnected from life from being chronically online: I don’t have a lot of hobbies other than watching content, writing, and working out if I’m being brutally honest. I don’t have a sense of community or things I do to actively engage in community. I don’t have a sense of fire that propels me towards my career aspirations I’m not politically active in the causes I care about. Let’s be real, I mainly just repost things, cry in the corner, sit with existential dread, and then go to work as if nothing is happening. I don’t read books and I’m not really much better than an ipad baby. Basically, I’m not passionate because I lack hobbies, career aspirations, and I don’t care enough about causes to structure my whole life around advocating for them. As a symptom of being checked out of life, I don’t read and I have the attention span of an ipad baby and I don’t socially engage as much as I should. As a result of this revelation, I have wanted to quit my job so that it forces me to apply to a bunch of jobs and do something that utilizes my IR degree without wasting any more time at my bullshit corporate job. I want to also take time off so that I don’t feel scarcity around free time and so that I can travel around for a while. Because it’s been waaay harder for me to save up my vacation days than it has been for me to save my money. I know there are more sustainable ways of going about this but still. Then again, I do recognize that I’m not a lost cause. I do have some light behind my eyes and critical thinking skills and I think that separates me from the people who truly have a disdain for life, whether that be a twitter leftist who justifies their lack of life skill with every disability and systemic issue under the sun, or a neo nazi who wants everyone to die. Either way, I bet neither of them wash their asses. I’m sure the average person in both of these groups are not only in severe need of touching grass but also severely dependent on technology to fulfill their every need because they lack basic life skills. I’m also not a checked-out NPC who is just pacifying themselves with Temu treats and is completely unaware of the world around me. Basically, though I am disconnected from life, I don’t have a total disdain for it and there are a lot of reasons why I don’t suck. Here are some of them: I’m not numbing myself out with over consumption and mindless consumerism. I’m self-aware and I generally make responsible decisions. I got therapy to heal my childhood trauma and I got out of my toxic home environment. I’m a good friend and a good girlfriend. I tend to attract pretty genuine people in my life and I think that’s a good sign. I have decent character and morals. I reflect on those morals and stay true to them without being on autopilot. I’m not disassociated from the news and I don’t act as if politics do not matter and that allows me to be more empathetic. I’m a pretty intrinsically motivated person. It’s the quality that I like most in myself. I make an effort to educate myself especially in relation to social and cultural issues even if it is via audio books and video essays. I don’t blindly follow trends and turn off my critical thinking skills when engaging with media. I have good habits such as keeping my surroundings clean, having a decent sleep schedule, cooking my own food, tracking my finances, working out etc. I’m not just doordashing all of my meals and getting my groceries delivered. And I do think it’s important that I hold onto my anger and use it responsibly. I don’t think quitting my job with little notice will be a good idea because 1. I don’t want to risk having a huge gap on my resume, 2. I might need a good recommendation letter and references to get solid opportunities and 3. I need to hold on to this job in case I need to quickly leave the U.S due to rising tensions. Also, my job, as much as I don’t like it, has been very beneficial for me on a number of ways: Helped me get rid of my executive dysfunction I struggled with all throughout school and college. Gives me structure so I’m not just rotting in bed all the time. Helped me learn how to navigate professional environments. Gave me a sense of discipline to show up even when I do not feel like it. Gave me a sense of discipline to stick to something for a while. Gave me a sense of stability and calm after my chaotic college years so that I could figure out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Helped me pay for a couple of nice trips and my surgery. Helped me get my personal finances in order so that I have a solid foundation. I have thousands in savings, I max out my Roth IRA and I give a good portion of my salary to my retirement fund. I also have no debt. I got my apartment and learned how to manage money on an adult job. Exposed me to different kinds of people across different age groups. I stopped constantly comparing myself to my peers since I was no longer in a bubble of only being around people in the same life stage as me. Allowed me to live a soft life, even for a little while. Gave me a number of skills I can transfer to different industries. Caused me to not have a skinny legend of a resumé + gave me a promotion Gave me enough work life balance to have a social life and pour into my relationships. I get decent pay and benefits. I also work standard hours. So, what are my complaints about my job: I hate the expectation to always be busy. I hate being micromanaged. I hate the concept of sick days. I hate AI. I hate how I have to save up all of my PTO days and drive myself nuts in the process for my desired goals. I hate how I essentially have to give 24 months (2 years) of nearly nonstop work for a month back. I hate how I can’t be my authentic self at work because talking about politics is divisive and because I can’t have an existential crisis as a young person. I hate the subject matter of my job and I find it to be boring to the point where I dread getting promoted. I hate how the world is burning out there and I am doing dumb tasks that do not matter and I have to act as if nothing is going on. After writing this out and organizing this list, I can say that #1-4 is me hating on this job specifically. #5-7 is me hating on corporate America as a whole. And #7-9 is me having personal issues related to this job. What do I want: A work environment that prioritizes output over busy work and gives employees autonomy. Unlimited/ no sick days A gap between my current and future job so that I can chill the fuck out for a month or 3 A job in something that I care about and something that utilizes my skills, interests, and the social causes that matter to me Friends I can be myself around and that I hang out with often to nurture the connection and be each other villages. A passionate life, a sense of purpose, not just finding a couple people I click with but a broader sense of belonging.

The Problems with Convenience and Optimization Culture I love all of the points that were raised in these two videos. I think first video did a good job at illustrating the beauty, humanness, and spontaneity that comes with doing things that are inconvenient, especially in relation to meeting new people. I also liked the example in the first video that compares finding your ideal book via Amazon recommendations versus finding your ideal book by going to your local bookstore, reviewing various books they have there, being able to touch and smell the books, and maybe even talking to a stranger about their recommendations and things they have read recently. The later is a much more immersive and fulfilling experience where you're engaging with life more rather than quickly getting what you need and shutting down your laptop. I also liked the second video in the way that it illustrates how while it's good that we're paying attention to our habits more and there are ways that people are improving their lives (i.e. drinking less, working out more, doing a better skincare routine etc.), that the downside of this is how this constant sense of optimization commodifies regular day to day activities and also isolates us from the people around us. In other words, while optimization is helpful, it can also be a distraction to larger issues such as a lack of connection, not only to the people around you but also to life itself. All that said, I'm not against convenience and optimization, I'm mainly against the culture that we have around it because I don't think that we have the healthiest relationship to those things. Apps like Uber or Instacart can make things like asking for a ride or small favors from a friends to be seen from this transactional lens because why tf would you ask your friend to help you with something when you can pay a stranger to do it for you? This then creates an environment where asking for simple favors from your friends that would have been normal to ask of back in the day before these apps existed is now seen as narcissistic becuase you're asking for too much from the people around you. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and even Bumble BFF can cause people to develop a certain kind of brainrot where they start to treat people like they are disposable. Sure, there is a difference in the over all vibe between Tinder and Hinge, the first being a hookup app for the most part while the second is a little better because of the prompts it has, but they still have the fundamental problem of the fact that you're interacting through as screen it's a lot easier to dehumanize and stereotype people in that medium than if you were meeting the same people in real life. It's also easy to say and do things online that are unhinged and that you would never do in real life. It's also easy to do crazy shit on a first date if you're meeting someone from the void versus if you met someone through your friends and do something crazy on that date, your friends will probably hear that and the threat of gossip alone can serve as an accountability measure through social consequences. I also think that this kind of brainrot can cause people to think that in order to have a perfect relationship, you need to have the perfect partner and that if you find the perfect partner, everything will just be peachy from there on out. Don't get me wrong, compatibility is important but if you're always on the search for perfection and you're quick to move on if a person is anything less than that because the next person is just a swipe away. And even if you find your ideal partner, if you approach dating with this mentality, you're not going to rely on conflict resolution or communication skills because as soon as something comes up, rather than addressing that and working through it, you will throw away a perfectly good person and relationship. Not to mention that things like convenience culture really reinforce issues related to instant gratification. Like, why would you try to learn the skill of cooking and slow down at that time of your day when you can just Doordash whatever you want? And for me, I hate Doordash because one, it can get expensive and two, people aren't getting paid enough. But also, part of the fun of me getting something to eat that I'm not cooking myself is the going out part of going out to eat. It's nice to get outside of my apartment, especially considering that I have a remote job. Speaking of which, as much as I love my remote job, I do think that I am a bit socially stunted because I don't have to learn how to socially navigate a professional environment in the same frequencey and it's a little scary thinking about how if I really wanted to, I probably go weeks without face to face interaction with anyone if I decide to Doordash and get all of my groceries delivered. I also like being able to talk to waiters and cashier people but things like self check out and QR code menu/ordering do get in the way of that. And I believe that the more isolated we are, the more we're likely to replace that sense of connection and belonging with consumerism because now there are people who believe that the cottage core aesthetic is a personality trait along with the notion that shopping at Target and getting matching Stanley cups is a hobby whereas before, rather than aesthetics, we had subcultures which came with their own set of communities and values and hobbies were things you put active effort into. As for optimization culture, convenience culture's close twin, I believe that always focussing on optimization and efficiency can come to the detriment of creativity. I think beauty is a very good example of this. I feel like there is this trend of people trying to find their ideal colors via the color seasons or they are trying to find their ideal silhouettes via the Kibbe body type system, or people are trying to find the best makeup for their features. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and having that be the jumping off point for you to find your personal style, but I believe that if you're only focused on this narrow scope of what is "flattering", you're limitting yourself and your sense of self expression. The most stylish friends I have might take their ideal colors or silhouettes into consideration, but they aren't limitted by them and they have a sense of playfulness around fashion. And that's the problem with opitmization culture, it leaves little room for that playfulness that drives a sense of creativity and joy. Not to mention, what we consider flattering is greatly determined by the power structures at hand and making it a constant point to adhere to that, creates a reinforcement of these systems. Which is why we have the issue with Instagram face where a lot of influencers are starting to look the same because they're getting the same proceedures and they're tailoring themselves to what will be the most optimal for the algorithms to push their content. It's this uncanny look that has exaggerated, and sometimes bordering on ethic features that jump out at you and demand your attention, but nevertheless, the features are also distinctly Eurocentric and thin. Then there is the way that optimization culture seeps into people's jobs. Despite being more productive now than we were in the past, we don't have more free time, nor are paid more. Rather, the reward we get for being more productive is having more work to do. It's this sense of endless expansioin because nothing is ever enough for the parasites at the top. Like, what's the point for all of us to generate all of this wealth if we can't even enjoy it and it all gets funneled to the top? What is this point of optimization and what are optimizing for? Is money and power the only things we can optimize for? Finally, last but not least, optimization culture really thrives in self help spaces. I feel like I have a lot to share regarding this from my own personal experience of immersing myself into self help from the ages of 17 to 23. Personally, I feel like the reason why I felt like I had to bury myself in self help content and therapy is because I felt like I was developmentally behind my peers due to a lot of trauma I had in my youth and house hold. But not only did I feel like I had to "catch up" but I also felt this desire to get ahead. I remember being 17 and feeling this pressure of being considered an adult legally at 18 and feeling like I had to have my entire life figured out. I remember being 19 and reading countless articles written by people in their late 20s and early 30s titled "X number of things I wish I knew at 20" or "30 Pieces of Advice I Learned by Age 30." I didn't want to make the same dumb mistakes people were making at my age. And that's valid. I didn't want to do something like get into credit card debt or date a much older guy who would've traumatized me badly by taking advantage of my 20 year old naiveity. I didn't want to go through dating questionable men that would cause unnecessary suffering. And I sure as hell didn't want to make the mistake of choosing the wrong major in college which would saddle me with debt with no job prospects in sight. A lot of the anxieties I had in my early 20s stemmed from the fact that I was coming from a difficult household where I knew I wasn't prepared accordingly to deal with the world affectively, nor did I have the safety net to fall back on the comfort of my parents in the event I did fuck up. So I found myself overcompensating in a way by delving into self help, dressing business casual in a lot of places because I didn't want to come off as cringe, isolating myself from my peers because I though partying and going out at night was juvenile, and throwing myself head first into school and therapy. I don't regret prioritiziing self help, my education, and getting help for my mental health. That paid off a lot in the long run. I do, however, regret dressing the way that I did because now I'm 25 and dripless because I prioritized looking put together and being flattering over having fun with self expression lol. I don't really regret staying in over partying in my early 20s because COVID happened and because given how stressful school was among other things, I wasn't really in the partying move. It just wasn't really my thing and tbh, it still isn't really my thing. But I do want the later half of my 20s to be more social and to go out more and enjoy myself because while that isn't optimizing for my future, it is making memories with friends and strangers and celebrating the now. I also have been moving away from self help related content for a myraid of reasons (see the entry on Deconstructing Self Help linked below) , but one of the reasons is that i feel like I'm at a point where more advice is not going to help me. It isn't because I am relying on advice and consuming self help rather than taking action in my life, but rather it is important that I allow my own life to teach me the lessons I need to learn and I learn how to navigate through things myself and create that sense of self trust rather than looking for advice on line. And this is true especially for relationships. I think the internet can be good for identifying basic red flags (i.e. don't date a guy who is going to love bomb you and know what your attachment styles is to heal it), but it falls short when it comes to giving advice on nuanced and personal situations and how to handle them because while some advice makes sense in a certain context, the same advice can also be weaponized make the situation worse if applied incorrectly. Honest to god, the best thing I have done for my sanity over the last couple of years is to disengage from relationship advice, even when it's platonic. And again, I'm not trying to critique convenience and optimization themselves rather I'm critiquing the relationship we have to them and culture we built around them. I think there is a time and place to utilize Uber, DoorDash, and Bumble. Maybe you're in a city where you don't anyone and you need a ride. Maybe you want to get a meal delivered as a special little treat or because this is one of the days where you're super busy and don't have time cook or get food. Maybe you want to date online to meet people you otherwise wouldn't in your own social circle and you just want to see what's out there. There isn't anything wrong with any of these forms of convenience but I think it can get unhealthy when we're overly reliant on them. Even before these apps, there is also a time and place to use a car, use GPS navigation, use a calculator. I don't think a car centric society is healthy because of the way that it breeds isolation, it causes people to be more sedentary, and it's not environmentally friendly. At the same time, I do think there is a benefit of having cars even in walkable areas. GPS navigation can be helpful but having broader navigation skills and being able to read a map is also important for you to be able to get around. And calculators can be helpful in complex problems and long equations but you still need the critical thinking skills to know how to approach math problems and enter things in accordingly. I like to view these conveniences like a multivitamin. They aren't always necessary, but they can be helpful in filling the gaps in an otherwise healthy diet. But at the same time, you don't want to get so reliant on multivitamins to where you replace all of your meals and real food. Even if you somehow found a way to make that physically healthy, I'm sure not being able to enjoy a regular meal would be mental disorder in itself. Not to mention, just eating multivitamins to get your nutritional needs met is kind of a sad way to live where you can't enjoy the sensual pleasure of a good dish, you can't enjoy social events around food in the same way, and you're just disconnected from a very core part of being a living being and disconnected from life itself. Maybe this is the stage green in me that sees the disadvantages around convenience and optimiztion and as a result, I have an existential crisis but I do like to think that I am integrated in orange enough to see the necessity of such technologies and not completely demonize them. I think that the way forwards isn't to elimate modern conveniences and go back a couple centuries because things were better back then. There is a reason why we have these technologies and they are helpful. At the same time, the problem we're facing now is that we don't have updated regulations for these technologies and we have built a world that incentivizes the reliance of these conveniences. Rather than banning Uber and Doordash, we need to make sure that the gig workers are being compensated. We also need to have more sustainable working schedules and more labor regulations so that people have time to dedicate to their friends and to help them out rather than writing everyone off as asking for too much because we're all burnt out. Rather than banning dating apps and friendship apps, we need to create more third spaces and encourage public transport so that people can meet organically. Rather than banning cars, we can have them as an option in addition to public transportation. which will also make driving easier because public transport does cut down on traffic.

Nihilism Part 1 I'm putting this here because I emotionally resonate with this: I also emotionally resonate with this video as well and I also have some things to say: I think Vaush is hitting at something really important here regarding the broader culture of nihilism in the U.S. or hell even in the world. He talks about how despite having more free time than we did in the past (even if you take the 40 hr work week and all that goes into it into consideration) that we're more exhausted and more numbed out. And sure you can argue that the reason why people aren't having as many kids is because due to money and the fact that a lot of people don't get enough paternity and maternity leave, rich people who have a ton of time, money and resources aren't having a lot of kids either. Yes, those things are factors, but money isn't the only thing. And sure you can say that the internet and AI is contributing to this sense of nihilism and it has made it worse, but this shit started back in the 80s and 90s prior to the internet. And sure, everything being car centric does impact how lively a place is but even places like New York still have this underlying problem which is why politicians like Andrew Cuomo are still getting elected. Vaush also constrasts the sense of fulfillment of poor people in Brazil who have a similar degree of poverty as poor people in some parts of the U.S. but the poor people in Brazil are still some how have more of a sense of fulfillment and a sense of pushing their kids to do better in terms of school and literacy so that they have more opportunities than their parents. Meanwhile, suburban white kids are incredibly priviledged but give off Patrick Bateman vibes. The paragraph above is a very rough summary of the video given my memory after just watching it. I highly recommend watching the whole video. And while I resonate with this, times like this I really wish that Vaush was exposed to and talked about Spiral Dynamics so things would really click. Vaush is, in my opinion, dealing with a lot of nihilism that comes from being in a very stage orange society with very stage orange values. Thats why someone in a similar situation in a country like Brazil, a more stage blue country, has a different vibe than someone in a similar situation in the U.S., a very stage orange country. He also hits on points regarding convenience and how streamlining our lives often takes out the liviliness and the fulfillment out of our human experience. And I think once you go peak orange as a society, that's when you really start to see the downsides of things like convenience and constant opitmization, which is something that can be a post of it's own. However, what makes this video interesting to me is that, while Vaush is experiencing nihilism in the face of stage orange, his is also seeing the limitations of stage green policy. Yes, it's important that you advocate for things like more free time, livable wages, accessible health case, paternity and maternity leave etc. and those things do make people's lives considerably better, but there is still a limit in which it addresses the nihilism problem. I also think it's interesting that the video talks about how a lot of this started in the 80s and 90s and how that is a contributing reason as to why crime was so high back then. That caused me to think about the Four Turnings theory. I wrote about this in a previous post and it's a lot so I don't really want to type it out again, nor do I want to copy and paste large blocks of text just for the sake of context onto this post. So basically, rather than seeing history as linear, think of it as seasons that a country moves through during it's general arc. The High was a phase from 1945 to 1964 which was characterized as a sense of optimism due to the new society that came out from the post-war era. The Awakening was a phase from roughly 1965 to the early 1980s which is characterized as a season of passion where we start questioning the institutions from the High and passionately advocate for various causes such as the Civil Rights Movement and protesting the Vietnam War as examples. The Unravelling was phase roughly from 1980s to 2008, right before the Great Recession. This season is characterized by a sense of nihilism and cynicism when the passion from the Awakening dies down and the insitutions set up in the High start to unravel. Finally, the Crisis stage which started from the Great Recession in 2008 and is currently what we're in now (it's estimated to end in the late 2020s to early 2030s to usher in a new High phase) is characterized by a sense of constant instability and pessimissm as things around us are falling apart in order for us to make something new when the High phase comes around again. While I do think that the broader sense of nihilism is a problem that cannot be solved with stage green policies alone, I also think it's more evident now because we're also in the season where nihilism is ubiquitous. And the season of nihilism is something that started back in the 80s if we're taking the Four Turnings framework. I think it can be temporarily alleviated as we move into a more stage green society once the chaos dies down and we move into the next High season but I do think that this is something that will still continue to be an issue and it's something that will be interesting to keep an eye on.

Things that give me existential dread (no particular order) Honestly, I'm just venting. ICE yoinking people and shipping them of to El Salvador AI automating everything, causing mass misinformation, fucking up the education system to where people don't have critical thinking skills, and sucking the humanness out from around us. Comfort culture and convenience culture taking away the serendipity of life and automating everything so that we don't enjoy the joy of creation and organic human connection unless we consciously make the choice to. Overconsumption and replacing meaning community, and a sense of belonging with buying things (also the feeling of being constantly marketed to) The genocide in Gaza The war between India and Pakistan that could go nuclear This feeling that there is no point anymore because no matter how much we protest, educate ourselves, vote, try to hold people accountable via the legal system, go through a pandemic that paused the world for two years etc. people like Trump still get power and the rich keep getting richer and there is no meaningful change The apathy of the people around me going about their lives as if nothing is happening and the world isn't on fire just because it isn't affecting them personally. Watching the people around me burn out and lose the light behind their eyes due to being overworked, underpaid, and don't get me started on the lack of support for new parents Having to have a specific corporate persona in order to maintain professional relationships because your politics are a big part of you and you're a young person with a constant existential crisis and that isn't appropriate to bring into the workplace. Trad wife content and tradwife adjacent content (crunchy living, anti vax, anti bithcontrol, sprinkle sprinkle) on the internet The fact that the U.S. is the wealthiest country in history and we can't give regular people a basic standard of living with health care, access to higher education. a livable wage etc. because our money goes to the MIC and we don't tax the wealthiest people enough. And while everything above is happening, climate change is still going on in the background and we're not addressing that because we're distracted with everything else. All of the ways I have to tone down my empathy to the suffering around me and even be less empathetic to myself in order to be a functioning person and power through work.

Body Image Progress I'm approaching the 3 month mark from my surgery date and I want to reflect on that a little bit. I have so much more mental space: I find that my body checking reduced by like 80% and that I don't really think about my body and the way it looks nearly as often as I used to before the surgery. In the past, I also had the impulse to crash diet because I was so unhappy with my stomach but even though I had that impulse, through years of working on my relationship with food, I was able to refrain from that impulse for the most part. Now, that impulse isn't there. As a result, I have a better relationship to food. I'm also more intuned with my body's cues as a result. I don't judge myself on how much I'm eating or how little I'm eating. Bloating and upset stomachs don't feel like the end of the world because my stomach being slightly bigger isn't as distressing as it used to be. I'm not overthinking wearing clothes based on how much I ate prior in the day or if I'm slightly bloated. And as a result, I feel like I can express myself more via clothes. I felt super sexy and positive about my body for the first month but now i'm more so neutral: Not to be vulgar, but from like month 1 to month 2, I just felt very fuckable. I was super excited with the way that my clothes were fitting. I found myself checking myself out in a positive way everytime I walked by my reflection (I still do that lol but not to the same extent). Month 3 has me feeling more neutral. I think the initial high of my body changing has past and now I'm more so just chilling. I just don't think about my body so much which goes along with the first point about having mental space. As a result of feeling positive to neutral about my body, I would say sex has been better. And on a weirder note, I don't feel weird about dancing in pubilc anymore. If anything, I kind of crave because I never had a "party phase" in my late teens/ early 20s. I think part of it was me being self conscious about my body and in some ways feeling like it aged me (or maybe it was also the way that I was "dressing for my body type"). As a result, my boyfriend and I go out during the weekend just to dance. Like we're not drinking or anything but we're just wobbling around like fools lmao. Shopping is still a struggle (but not as much so): Shopping for new clothes has been better in that I don't dread it anymore. It's still not fun because nothing fits my boobs and that can be a struggle in many ways. Sometimes I find myself thinking about how I should have gotten a breast reduction while I was at it lol. I mean that more so in a joking way so that shopping wouldn't be a struggle but I'm happy with the way that I look lol. Nevertheless, I am embracing different fashion styles that I would often shy away from in the past and that has been great. I still have bad body image days + ozempic era: I didn't go into this surgery with the unrealistic expectations that this will solve all of my body related problems. My body image does take a dip every now and then, especially when I go shopping. I think a huge component of this is how being really thin has made a comeback along with the normalization of Ozempic and low rise jeans from the 00s. A lot of people who would have been considered normal to thin lost a ton of weight from Ozempic adjacent drugs (Kim Kardashian being the most notable case) and it shifted what is considered skinny in the 2020s to be thinner than what it was in 2018 when it was still considered fashionable to get a BBL. There is also a rise in conservativism through body positivity being less of a thing, people wanting the "pilates body" (i.e. the body of a really thin white woman), and how a lot of fashion trends are back to not embracing curves (don't get me wrong, fashion for people with larger bodies has always been a challenge but I swear it's harder to shop if you have boobs and ass in 2025 compared to 2016 from personal memory). But this occasional dip in body image doesn't cause me to impulsively diet, exercise like crazy, or lose a significant amount of weight. Like part of me knows that the insecurities that are getting triggered by the standard of beauty in the 2020s is cyclical and fleeting rather than how I used to have that long term insecurity around my stomach. I'm pretty sure this would have been a nonissue if I had the body I had now back in 2016. I'm still getting used to my proportions: I wrote about this back in a previous post I feel like my legs, butt and boobs look bigger now that my stomach is no longer there. And while part of me likes that lol, I think with the return to the super thin body ideal, there is a part of me that feels distorted or like I need to lose weight. And in those times I'm like *damn, nothing is enough for that fucked up part of my brain that has been rotted out by 00s tabloids and ED Tumblr.* It is a little sad, I'll admit. But I do think this is something that will get better, and is getting better because as a whole, I do feel more proportional since the surgery and I'm mostly happy with my size despite thin being back in. . Again, my sense of proportion, though it's better than pre-surgery, it does still feel kind of off. The swelling is still there: I feel like this last bit of swelling I have has been stubborn and is going away in a weird pace. Some weeks are better than others. But my stomach still feels weirdly numb, as if it's not a part of *my* body. Like if I press on my lower stomach, I'll feel that. But if I scratch it, I'm not going to feel lit. WHICH IS SOOO WEIRD!! I also feel like there is a tightness around my stomach due to the swelling so even though my clothes do fit looser, they don't feel looser because there is like fluid in the way. And I think the swelling going up and down contributes to the sense of distortion I described above. Final Thoughts: I feel much better in my body. I feel better around food, better around clothes, better equiped to make healthy decisions for myself, and better in the way that I show up in the world. I feel much more authentic in that I feel like I finally look the way that I always thought I looked in my head and I feel so much freer. Being thin is no longer my Roman Empire lol. I think this surgery has been a very good decision for me and I'm happy with the results. Nevertheless, I still have my days because of the way that the body standards have shifted socially in recent years, because shopping can still be a struggle because of said shifts and because fashion generally hates big boobs, and because I'm still in some ways adjusting to my new body and my new reality.

7 Levels of Wealth: I think I'm in a good spot financially. I am making a decent amount of money relative to my lifestyle. My bills are automated. I have a good amount of financial awareness regarding how much I make, how much I spend per month and on what, the amount I have allocated towards investments and savings, and being able to allocate part of my money towards the things I really care about. I've also been working on my relationship with money since I do have a tendency to worry and being overly stingent with budgets. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can spend money on things that matter to me and that I want without panicing or shaming myself. And I have peace of mind knowing that I'm on track with my financial goals because I have run the numbers. Level 1 and 2 don't really apply to me and I feel like I have solidly surpassed those levels. So I will be looking ahead in this video from Level 3 and beyond. Level 3: Security You're here if: You know how much you make and spend. You have a small emergency fund. Your debt is gone or under control. You've started investing consistently. What to do from here Increase emergency fund to cover 3-6 months of expenses. Increase your investments to at least 10% of take home pay. Start learning about your cross over point (the point when your investments make more than your expenses):I do not know what my cross over point is right now. Level 4: Growth You're here if: Your investments are growing and are consistent You know when your investments are going to hit $100k or $1M You think terms of percentages and strategy: Yes, I know the power of compound interest lol. It's also good that I'm not paying a financial advisor a percent based amount that could cost a ton of money down the road due to the missed opportunity from compound interest. You have made tradeoffs to grow your wealth: This mainly includes stuff relating to my job, educational prospects, etc. What to do at this level: Increase your investments 1% per year: already doing this with my 401k Ask when do you want to be work optional: I feel like right now, I'm more focussed on finding meaningful work than figuring out when I want to be work optional. Because I'm currently at a job that I don't particularly like and if you asked me on a very surface level on when I want be work optional, I would say right now. But deep down inside, I know that if I were to quit my job tomorrow, even though I know that I'll be fine financially, I wouldn't be comfortable having a gap on my resume long term and I do need the structure of a job to make me feel like I'm working towards something. Since I don't have a meaningful career yet, I feel like if I were to quit my job tomorrow without anything lined up and do nothing, in a few weeks I will devolve into being an aimless blob. Reflect (What money beliefs have I changed my mind about in the last 5-10 years?): I feel like I have been consistently working on my mindset around money for the last couple of years and I have had a solid foundation of financial literacy growing up both from my own research as well as from my dad's influence. I think my biggest mindset shift has been moving away from being afraid of money and in panic mode to being comfortable with where I am at as of now because I'm aware of my goals and I can enjoy myself knowing that i'm still headed in the right direction. Level 5: Freedom You're here if You could stop working tomorrow and be fine: I'm putting this in green because I will be fine financially but emotionally is a different question. You can say "no" to work you don't want to do: I'm not at this point careerwise yet. I feel like I need more career capital to be able to be in a position where I can get a job easily in my desired industry. I'm still pretty entry level given that I graduated college like 2.5 years ago. And again, having a gap in my resume isn't ideal at this point. You're now planning in terms of years, not paychecks What to do at this level: Define your rich life: I feel like I'm pretty clear about my values and my long term financial desires. Set a Worry-Free Number (a dollar amount under which you don't even think about spending >> shift your mindset from scarcity to freedom): I don't have a worry-free number broadly speaking but I do have a worry free number in certain categories. If something is under $20 for a little treat for myself or if dinner for my partner and I is under $40, I don't worry about it. Travel wise, I have a budget of $5000 a year which is pretty generous considering my travel habits. The place where the worry free aspect comes in is that after I budget for the flights and lodging, I have a worry free amount for food (about $15 per meal) and experiences ($100 per experiences). Level 6: Abundance: You're here if: You've maxed out your financial systems: I'm not there yet. I'm working on maxing my 401k over time but I did max out my Roth IRA annually. I also feel like I can do more regarding additional investments. You spend freely on what you love: I would say so. You've built a financial team (accountant, advisor, attorney etc. depending on your needs): I don't really have a necessity for those thing right now personally speaking but my dad does have an accountant who helps our family to do our taxes and an advisor for little things there and there. You give generously: This is something I want to work on more. I do things here and there regarding donations and I do tip at least 15-20% when I go to eat out. But I want to get more comfortable with helping out friends and family. What to do at this level: Set No-budget zones: I don't think I'm at this level yet in terms of my income. Refine your team: I don't really have a team that needs to refined lol. Find new ways to give back with money, time and wisdom: I do this by spending time with people I care about, by volunteering, and just doing various hobbies that makes me happy. Level 7: Legacy (I'm not going to bother putting this at red or green because I'm not at a place where I'm considering these things yet due to my place in life right now. This section is just for reference purposes to be pointed at a larger direction a decade or two down the line) You're here if: You have achieved true financial independence: Nope You're thinking generationally (bigger than your self ie. your family, community etc.): I don't think I'm there yet both in terms of my finances as well as where I'm at with my life as a whole. You're building something bigger than yourself: Not there yet. What to do at this level: Get clear on your legacy goals (What do you want to be remembered for, besides money? Do you want to donate to something and set up a trust or estate plan?): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. Spend time with people, mentor them, share, and surround yourself with people thinking on this level): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. What to do to enhance my financial life given my situation: Learn about my cross over point and when I'm going to hit $100k and $1M: I think overall, I have good financial habits that is pointing me in a good direction and I know where exactly I'm going. But I'm still unclear about how long it's going to take me which I think interferes with the extent I can plan for my future. I guess my financial life feels like I'm driving using a GPS towards my destination but I don't know what time I'm estimated to get there by. I feel like accomplishing this goal will contribute in me being solidly in the stage 4/5 category. Build more career capital and find a job that you actually care about: pretty self explanatory tbh. Start getting more serious on investing: I think I want to work with an advisor on that and start looking into some index funds. Most of my money is in savings and I think it would be good if I can utilize that to maximize on my returns via investments rather than having it just sit there in my account. Continue working on your relationship with money so you show up and be more generous in your life: again pretty self explanatory.

are you fucking kidding me!?!?!?! FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK...................... i hate it here.

I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart There is a therapy post that I saw a while back that essentially said that it's common for people to feel like the world is falling apart given everything that is going on, but "the world falling apart" isn't an exact emotion. And that post was encouraging people to define what consists of the "I feel like the world is falling apart" sentiment. I feel a sense of dread because I actually paid attention in school and the stuff that we're seeing on the news is very much giving Nazi Germany. I don't know how deep this hole goes for this country and when we will start turning around for the better. Regular citizens are getting yoinked and deported. The Heritage Foundation is trying to take the right to vote away from anyone whose name doesn't match their birth certificate (which is the case for most married women who changed their last name when they got married). The measles are back. Elon Musk is trying to buy elections and fuck up government programs. The government is picking fights with other countries for no reasons and severing diplomatic ties. People are talking about getting burner phones when travelling internationally so ICE doesn't get to them. The press is getting supressed. The education has been and still is a mess. And AI and convenience culture is largely causing us to be depressive and hedonic slobs while isolating us from one another and eroding creative thinking and critical thought. I feel a sense of apathy, disassociation, and complacency because I feel like I have to ignore how I feel and what's going on in the world in order to function and go to work. Like no matter what happens, I'm just a dumb corporate cog. I know I'm trying to cope with this by focusing on my own life and my immediate surroundings so I can focus on what I can control rather than spiral about what I can't, but it feels wrong that I'm not doing more. I don't even know what more is. I feel a sense of powerlessness and disillutionment in the face of activism as I watch the world burn because even though I educate myself, have difficult conversations with those around me, and I do my best to live in an ethical, conscientious way, the world is crumbling around me due to forces that are much bigger and richer than myself. I know that I should organize and I should be more politically active, but there is a part of me that thinks *what's the point, the oligarchs and corporate interests already bought out most politicians to where we don't have a meaningful left/party for workers rights.* So it's like, instead of doing that which feels futile, let me just focus on my own life. I know that's not the right attitude to have and that's the very attitude that perpetuates this shit but it's hard to not have that reaction given everything going on. If I'm working a basic corporate job that doesn't really help people, I might have some degree of stability but then it's like I have to cut myself of what is actually going on. But if I have a job that actually helps people, my line of work is unstable and under threat and I'm still in this place of powerlessness because even if my job helps people, I'm limited by this toxic system. I feel a sense of repressed anger. I'm angry at the facists, the racists, the homophobes, and the haters who quite frankly have nothing better to do in their lives than to glue in on Fox News. I'm angry at the complacent overconsumption zombies that are constantly marketing to me with regressive trends like trad wives, that girl, feminine energy, pink pilates princess, or just any one who uses the phrase "run don't walk" when talking about their Amazon store front. I'm angry at the Democrats for their malicious incompetence to get us to this point because their corporate interests and career prospects are more important than the people in this country. I'm angry at Elon Musk to where everytime I see a cybertruck I get pissed off. I'm angry at all of the silicone valley technofacists who are draining the life and connection out from everything using automation, convenience apps, AI, etc. And the reason why I say that I feel a sense of repressed anger rather than outright saying that I feel angry is because I feel like my anger response has been significantly blunted from years of having to hold my tongue in the face of injustice because *that's not how you handle things* and because I have been lulled by the apathy and complacency. Like it's great that I'm able to regulate my emotions and be a "responsible adult" but sometimes I wish I was that angry, irritated teenager again because at least she had some claws and could tell people off. I feel a sense of disgust and shame because of how my anger is repressed and how I feel like there is not much I can do. I feel a sense of disgust because I have a freeze reaction to the stressors around me when it now than ever important to fight. I feel disoriented because the news is updating by the second, things are getting overturned and then undone, and there is so much constant flip flopping to where I don't even know what exactly I'm dealing with. Don't even get me started with the tariffs and the uncertainty around that. I feel unheard and resentful. I don't mean personally unheard, but unheard on a collective level. It feels like there is no one who is genuinely advocating for the good of the people and most people are just grifting psychos. I feel unheard because it feels like right wing populism is the only game around town and there isn't a meaningful, left wing populist alternative. I feel worried when I see various social trends that have regressive undertones. I know that pendulums swing. I know that spiral dynamics is at play. And I know that the Four Turnings suggest that this won't last forever and eventually we'll get a time when we have more of a positive tragectory. But sometimes I wonder if those are just comforting tales I tell myself to prevent myself from falling into despair. There is nothing wrong with using a lie or three to get through a difficult time so long as you don't completely delude yourself, but I'm scared that I'm holding on to a baseless sense of hope in these theories. I guess you can argue that these theories aren't baseless in the way that they have evidence backing them up but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaning on the predictions. And in an unpredictable world, theoretical predictions do not feel stable. I feel unstable in that I don't know what my surroundings have in store for me and how to plan my future accordingly. It messes with my ability to look forward to things. I feel like I'm on edge because I need to prepare for the worst. I feel a sense of grief. I feel grief when I think of the type of country we could have become given the resources we have. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the ways our destiny as our country splintered off with each election. I feel a sense of grief given the timeline we're at. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the various human rights violations I have learned about from the genocides happening around the world, to the deportations, to the ways regular people are getting terrorized by right wing lunatics. Hell, I even feel a sense of grief when I think of life pre-Covid. I feel numb because it feels like this chaos has been going on for like 10 years and because it doesn't seem to be getting better. I feel numb because it feels like everything is futile and no one is being held accountable. Like things that would be considered political scandels are just considered normal now. I guess it's good that I'm not flying off the handle and I'm not becoming cripplingly depressed or so angry that I'm trying to start a riot, but sometimes I wonder if that is the case, not because I'm doing a good job at regulating myself and coping, but because I'm numb and I'm overregulating my emotions. I feel disillusioned by the democratic system. Part of me wants to normalize this suffering and say *Grow up, the U.S. isn't anything special. Most of the world hassome form of authoritarianism with restrictions on free speech, protesting, etc. along with corruption in their government.* And yes, this sentiment is correct in that the U.S. is not better than any other part of the world and given the right mix of material conditions it too will fall apart. Like was never an American exceptionalist by any means. I know this mindset isn't helpful in the way that it creates a complacent attitude of doomerism. But part of me feels like this sentiment is coming through because my brain is trying to normalize the chaos and suffering in order to not have to deal with how bad things have gotten. I also feel disillusioned on behalf of my parents who believed in the American dream stronger than I did to where they immigrated to this country pre-9/11. They had a more hopeful view of this country, partly because of the propoganda, partly because it was a better life compared to where they were coming from. But the politics have devolved into something that is similar to what they remember from back home, and it's scary because they never thought the U.S. could fall this far. I don't feel the same sense of shock as them because I didn't get to experience the stability of the 90s and I feel like I have dealt with some degree of chaos from this country from childhood but this, this feels particularly bad. I don't remember much about politics pre-2015 because I was a child and naturally didn't pay attention to politics like that, but I very much remember it not being like this.

That makes sense. There's a difference between intellectually understanding certain topics versus emotionally integrating lessons to where you move to tier 2. Noted. That's good insight in order to go deeper with the topics you have presented. I appreciate this I like the way that you expressed this point. I think one of the issues with stage Green with their moral relativism is the way that they put everything on an even playing field (i.e. thinking all cultures are equal). Which isn't all bad. It's a necessary step to see all people and cultures as equal in value to combat the prejudices in the previous stage. However, this can also lead to a loss of nuance which can muddy the waters in various evaluations. I feel like part of the reason I didn't fall victim to the rising trend of trad wives is because I was able to see the way that the various stages interpreted it and how they are co-opting the aesthetic and life style thanks to Spiral Dynamics. At the same time, I do believe that if you don't have a solid foundation of Green, it's very easy to use Sprial Dynamics as a tool to further reinforce prejudice and be quite ableist towards people. For example, while lots of places in the Middle East range from Purple to Blue, it's a fucked up assertion to say that people who live there are some how lesser in value and less human due to their sprial stage. It also ignores the way that the reason lots of regions regress into Purple and Red is due to western interference and destabilization. Like of course some people are going to gravitate toward violent ideologies after their familes were blown up and they have nothing to lose. But that doesn't mean that those people are any less human and that these populations don't deserve aid to rebuild. If anything, that's the way to move up the spiral, by getting your basic needs met first. And needing to get your basic needs met first relates to your notion in the way that patriarchy is feature rather than a bug of earlier human development. I think saying that in the context of this conversation and your points above is different from the stage Blue argument that a lot of eugenicists made about how women and POC are genetically inferior and are inclined to subserviance in order to further reinforce existing power structures. I also think that what is considered feminine and masculine can be arbitary. The sun can be seen as masculine in some cultures whlie in other cultures it's seen as feminine. I myself come from a culture where softness, daintiness, and vulnerability aren't really front in center when it comes to what it means to be feminine. Sure, it's one expression of femininity, but femininity comes in many forms and it's on you to find what forms of femininity feels authentic to you, regardless of gender, and what it means for masculinity and femininity to be balanced. If I were to put a number on things, I would say that I'm like 60% masculine and 40% feminine from a western standpoint. My boyfriend is the opposite and I guess that's why we balance each other out well in our relationship. Masculinity =/= men and femininity =/= women. Sure they may be correlated but again, due to the ways that what we consider to be masculine and feminine differing in the collective and the way that people have what they consider their own personal equilibrium on an individual level, integration can be complex. I mean, even if you're nonbinary, you still have a sense of balance in masculine and feminine energy which influences your gender expression. So while I don't believe in gender roles because of the way that it constricts us from our natural self-expression, I also don't think that throwing out masculinity and femininity as concepts is helpful either. I think if we take out the collective notion of these energies and the individual meanings we ascribe to them to relate to these energies, at it's core, categorizing masculinity and femininty is a way that we articulate duality. Whether you think the sun is masculine and the moon is feminine, or if you think the sun is feminine and the moon is masculine, both are pointing to a dualistic relationship. And if you find yourself having trouble integrating the opposite duality, that can cause issues with coming from a whole, self assured, and self aware way in the way that you create shadows in the process. Which goes back to you point on why it's hard for men and women to integrate various concepts and stages

@Emerald Hey Emerald. I'm looking to contemplate these questions more but I thought I'd jot down some initial thoughts for the sake of discussion. I'm looking forwards to hearing your thoughts and feedback. My answer to that is no. I don’t think any form of oppression is natural, whether it’s along the lines of race, gender, sexuality, class, etc. These are man made systems, that create man made problems, that are solved by man made solutions. If something was inherent to human nature, we wouldn’t have to make so many systems to enforce what already comes natural to us. Nature is diverse and very unpredictable especially when it comes to humans. It isn’t inherently patriarchal or matriarchal rather the way that a society originally forms is largely dictated by the material conditions that enable survival in a particular environment. Honestly, I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to pick a fight, but I feel like this question can have the same vibe of eugenicists in the 1800s who would argue if it was natural for Black people and Asian people to be oppressed. I think generally speaking, it’s good for society for women to be empowered in the aim to create a more egalitarian and just society because women’s rights are human rights. And when human rights are strengthened and expanded, that is a win for everyone, not just the marginalized. However, I do think that in some instances there is a real danger for introducing something too much or too soon which can lead to some nasty ego backlashes. For example, South Korea has greatly developed economically, politically, and socially from the 1950s before the Korean War. Hell, prior to the Korean war, South Korea was seen as the poorer Korea compared to the north which is an absurd statement to utter in 2025. Since then, women have made great progress regarding having personal independence such as when it comes to participating in the work force and being just as if not more educated than men due to having to score higher on exams just to get the same opportunities as men. While the country has made great strides in their economy and their infrastructure to match other first world countries, socially, it’s taking some time for them to catch up. There was a lot of change within a generation or two and as a result, South Korea has a really bad incel problem which is affecting things from women’s personal safety to declining birth rates. Despite the bad incel problem, I don’t think it’s a mistake for South Korea to give more empowerment to women. I don’t believe that women should slow down their fight for equality and their well being due to fragile male egos. Nevertheless, accelerationism in any aspect of development, even when it comes to women’s rights, isn’t always the most sustainable pace. Additionally, I think this goes along with the anti-acceleration argument, that we cannot go into countries and force them to develop before their time. The language of empowerment can also be co-opted to perpetuate dangerous colonial dynamics. For example, one of the arguments the U.S. state department used to invade Afghanistan is that the women need to freed. Let’s be so for real, this was largely a tool to frame the fact that we were sticking our nose where it doesn’t belong in a positive light so that the average person can justify this. And what happened as a result? From the time we invaded to the time we pulled out, Afghanistan was left as a bigger mess than it was previously. It’s like stabbing someone, which already causes a lot of damage, and then taking the knife out as if you’re helping, so that the person is left to bleed out and die. Another example of colonial dynamics co-opting the language of women’s liberation is how a lot of European countries had a “white savior” complex where they believed that by colonizing other countries that they are bringing civilization to them and are freeing their women. I’ll use India as an example. A lot of British colonizers believed that South Asian women were particularly oppressed by South Asian men. This was done to villainize South Asian men as more brutish than the British man. Not to mention, they were making these claims during the Victorian Era and we can’t exactly say that the Victorian Era British woman was particularly empowered. Basically, they were pointing the figure at the real patriarchal issues that were present in South Asia without realizing or owning up to their own hypocrisy. You could’ve also made the argument that South Asian women were more empowered compared to European women pre-colonization because they didn’t have the same puritan beliefs around sexuality and weren’t sexualized in the same way due to a lack of exposure to Christianity. My point is, what is considered empowering for women and what to do about that cross culturally is a delicate balance in terms of understanding your own biases and to what aim you’re using empowerment. Women’s empowerment in the Afghanistan example was a marketing tactic to justify our atrocities. Women’s empowerment in the India example was an exercise of hypocrisy due to the fact that people weren’t thinking about empowerment in an intersectional lens where gender politics intermingled with race and religion. I think that parsing out what is and isn’t authentic to people in the bedroom is a deeply personal topic. As a result, it’s difficult to parse out what is someone’s natural desires vs what is conditioning. I don’t think that being submissive bedroom indicates someone wanting to be submissive in real life no more than thinking that someone who likes mafia romance novels wants and element of that in real life. I think Contrapoints does a very comprehensive analysis of this dynamic. But if a 2-3 hour long video isn’t your cup of tea at this moment, I also think it’s fascinating that your political leanings can correlate with certain kinks you have. I just thought that this was a very funny (but also insightful) video in the way that it draws correlations from values and political leanings (which is lets be real a large product of socialization) and kink. I don’t think that women are designed to be oppressed. If we were designed to be oppressed, we wouldn’t have the desire for agency. It goes back to my original point that if something was so natural, we wouldn’t have to make a bunch systems and laws to enforce it. I think it’s a logical fallacy of sorts to assert that just because something has been around for a long time, that means that it is natural and right. Modern day racism has been around for the past 500 or so years due to the discovery of the new world and slave trade. I’m not saying that racism was invented in the 1500s, there has always been a form of tribalism and warring states. But I am saying that the racism and colorism we see now, isn’t the same as the discrimination people faced in the Roman Empire. The height of the Roman empire extended to north Africa and the middle east. I highly doubt that what we think of as the European or white members of the Roman Empire had something against the Middle Eastern members of the Roman Empire because white supremacy wasn’t invented yet. Sure, there was again, tribalism and colorism that was largely due to classism, but it wasn’t modern racism. Similarly, just because modern patriarchy has been around for longer than 500 years, that doesn’t mean that it’s natural just because it old. If anything, that notion that patriarchy is old and natural is part of what keeps us complacent. I know there is this narrative of men being the hunters and women being gatherers and nurturers, but this is a gross oversimplification. Studies show that even when we were in nomadic groups that people mostly got their nutrition from gathering in a lot of places. As a result, it can be inferred that both men and women were gatherers. Even when hunting was necessary, people would go out in mixed packs judging by different skeletons that were uncovered. It wasn’t just men who were doing the hunting. And plus, it goes without mentioning that the modern day nuclear family and “traditional” (really 1950s) gender roles weren’t how things functioned for a large chunk of human history and that the roles of men and women were much more blurred back when we lived in villages. I can't exactly say why modern patriarchy came about (I would need to look more into that) but I can say that things like colonization has made it more widespread to where it is seen as the default. I think the extent of which women are the weaker sex is exacerbated by modern beauty standards and femininity. The stereotype that women are less strong and shorter than men is exaggerated. There are plenty of women who are 5’7 and a 160lbs and plenty of men who are the same. And unfortunately, those women are looked at as humongous and are told to be more like other women who are 5’0 and 100lbs and those men are told that they’re waaay too short and they need to bulk up at the gym. And when these standards are perpetuated and internalized through self-policing, we tend to steer away from what is natural. I think that if more women did strength training as opposed to starving themselves and doing exercises focusing on losing weight so they don’t get “bulky” and if more men weren’t shamed for a lack of muscle mass, the divides would be smaller. Funny enough, I’m 5’2 and roughly 150lbs and my boyfriend is 6’2” and also about 150lbs. Apart from the height difference, we have similar strength levels at the gym when doing various exercises lol. Nevertheless, while I do think that the degree of which women are smaller and weaker than men is exaggerated, I do think there is some truth to that due to natural sexual dimorphism. Women do have higher healthy body fat percentages due to hormonal regulations and so that we are able to carry a pregnancy to term. And as a result, even if a woman weighs similar to a man, it’s less likely that she has the same muscle mass. However, I think strength can be subjective. Sure, men have more muscle mass and more upper body strength, but women have a whole lot more lower body strength and the ability to reproduce. In other words, I think it evens out lol on a biological level and as a result, it doesn’t justify the “female nature to be disempowered.” I also think that asserting that weaker bodies = nature to be disempowered is more rooted in creating a narrative for out brains to make sense of the world rather than inherent. Why does weaker bodies have to mean to be disempowered? Why is our brain creating that meaning and narrative? Because we can make the same arguement in the animal kingdom where mankind as a whole is pretty weak physically in that we can't fly, we can't run super fast, and we cannot see with the same precision as other species. But we have a different narrative in that situation where we aren't out here asserting that out weaker bodies means that we are disempowered in the face of other animals.

I think the trad fem stuff that's especially trending right now is an interesting and nuanced topic. The problem with aesthetics, as opossed to subcultures, is that anyone can latch on to the image and performance of an aesthetic and morph it according to their values. For example, I think a lot of the trad fem stuff stared out with women wanting to be not see their femininity as inferior, wanting to educate themselves on holistic medicine, and women trying to reject the hustle and grind culture that the girl boss feminism brought on in the 2010s. Which is all pretty Green leaning. But then, there are people who saw the trad fem stuff and shifted in more of a Blue direction where they became very religious and puritan or they took it in a more Orange direction in a trophy wife kind of route. I wrote about this in my journal posts and basically, I do think there is some movement towards green here but orange and blue co-opted the language of green to come of more progressive than they really are if you're interested in checking it out by any chance. And I think you're right about a fish that's already grown too bigg for a narrow fish tank analogy. There are some people who really romanticize this notion of a man taking control of the finances so they don't have to work because they grew up with mothers who were exhausted from doing all the work at home while working a full time job. But those people don't remember what things were actually like for women who had no choice but to submit to a husband because they couldn't have their own bank account with a father's or husband's permission. I don't think we can go back that far without having major consequences because with the exception of our current ego backlash, generally speaking the the fish few to big for the previous fishtank. I think truly green feminism, while it can still incorporate aspects of the trad wife stuff, also has a focus of tackling the issues with late stage capitalism because that's a way to include women in the global south who are much more exploited for their labor. I guess that's what I'm wondering, what are the uncomfortable questions that one needs to ask? Can you elaborate with some more examples?

Can you expand on this more please? And apologies on being late to the discussion, I just check this website here and there lol

1. Edit my resume according to the types of jobs I’m applying to 2. my job requires me to summarize and log time when I do various client chats. I use Ai only when I have a particularly long chat transcript where the client asked like 10+ questions so that the summary includes everything and it doesn’t take me 30+ min for case logging. 3. basic fact checking

A few videos I liked:

My Dream Life So I have been having some issues keeping up with and maintaining friendships in adult while also going through a rough friendship break up. I have journalled about this before but sometimes I find myself thinking that I'm childish for wanting to prioritize friendship over say a career or family (that includes blood relatives, romantic interests, and the nuclear family). I'm fortunate enough to be financially stable with a good amount of work life balance to where I have free time apart from having to rest and recuperate. And as a result, I have been trying to put my efforts in to pouring into my relationships but unfortunately, my friends aren't in the same boat regarding free time and financial stability so it has been difficult. However, this video gave me a lot of hope in the sense that my dream life to be surrounded by friends in a walkable city is possible. I feel like the video can stand alone and it's something everyone should watch but I'm going to break down the points by the time stamp regarding how I relate to it. 3:50 - 8:32 Spontaneity: I have been wanting more spontaneous hang outs with friends. It's been kind of unfulfilling that so much of my hang outs are like catch up sessions where you essentially have to make a meeting/ appointment with someone. It feels inorganic and it's like, if you're constantly having to catch up, you aren't living life alongside your friends rather you and your friends have lives completely separate from each other and you have to block out this extra time on the side to maintain this friendship, kind of like a part time job. And I think the logistics plays a large role in it. Katherine talks about how you have to make plans with people who live like an hour a way but when she moved to be like 5 min away from friends, it was very easy to just pop in or text/call someone and meet with them for like 30 min or something. She also talks about a lot of specific instances that this sense of spontaneity and flexibility played out in a positive way. 8:33 -13:50 The Campusification of My Life: Katherine talks about how living like 5 min away from friends has made life feel more like a college campus where you incidentally run into people you know on a regular basis. I think this goes hand in hand with the spontaneity points in that your friends are more baked into your regular routine. I think it's also nice to just see people out and about and it's one of many reasons why I like being in walkable spaces. It feels much more human to walk through places and see other people out and about than to drive through places where everyone is just in their little cars like pods. 13:51- 16:16 Aftercare of Hangs: I love the idea of just debreifing from things after hanging out with people and it's one of those things that I didn't think about like that as a consequence of walkable areas. 16:17 - 17:40 Favors n Errands: I feel like in my desire for community building and also what was modelled to me by my parents, I want to offer my friends help where I can. Like I've offered to help people move, drive them to the airport, meal prep, dog sit, etc. and while no one took me up on that offer and I'm perfectly alright with that, it does feel weird that I'm the main person who thinks to offer help in that way. I talked about this in therapy wondering if I was a people pleaser and my therapist was essentially like *soos_mite_ah, you aren't doing things because you feel obligated to do so, you have boundaries and are capable of asserting yourself, and you're in a place in your life where you do have the energy and time flexibility to do little favors here and there. You're not a people pleaser because being a people pleaser implies an inability to speak up for yourself and a situation where you're being run into the ground.* Basically, I'm not a people pleaser because I want to do little favors and errands, I'm just a community minded person. And the fact that there are people who live this way, makes me feel less crazy lol. 17:41 - 18:50 Coworking : This is another one of those things that I miss about college. Even when I was swamped with work, I could still see my friends and enjoy their presance. It's not the same with coworkers lol. And I have friends who are super busy with work who also work remotely. I have made the suggestion to do things more sponteneously or coworking together but, again, no one took me on that offer and I found myself thinking if I'm doing too much or if I'm encroaching / being annoying. But if we all lived in a 5 min walking distance around each other, it wouldn't be this big deal you have to plan and prep for. 18:51 - 20:18 Community Care: This section basically talks about on how livign like this also makes you want to be more involved in your community and local affairs. I have been wanting to do more of that but it always felt like an uphill climb and I couldn't put into words as to why so I always chucked it up to me lacking discipline or just not caring that much. But after watching this video, I found myself wondering if the reason why I felt disconnected from my town and community is because it's easy to by isolated in car-centric suburbs where you don't see people on a regular basis, hence have less community interactions unless say you were in school or like a PTA or something. 20:19 - 23:29 The Multiplying Effect: This section really resonated with me because of the way that you're more likely to meet people organically in walkable areas and how having friends in walkable areas can help you make more friends. I never resonated with the apps, whether they be dating or friendship apps. I don't think it's impossible to make friends from there but I feel like these apps worsen the issue with lonliness rather than give a solution (I could probably do a whole post on that tbh). I wish it wasn't seen weird by somepeople to strike up a conversation with a random person and then become friends that way. 23:30 - 25:05 Negatives: Basically, the only negative that Katherine talks about is how she's paying a little more in rent. I feel like the rent piece is the main thing that has me worried when thinking about moving to a more walkable area because the U.S. has like 6 walkable cities in the entire country and they're all expensive af. But when I think about my priorities and where I tend to spend my money, this seems like a worthy trade of. I think given my values, it would be worth living basically my dream life even if it meant paying a little more in rent. 25:06 - 31:05 Did It Kill My Loneliness?: Katherine says yes. And I'm not delusional enough to think that moving to a walkable area where I'm like 5 min away from all of my friends will solve all of my problems. But I do think it will solve a good chunk of them (like 80% ish). It would help me deal with a lot of friendship issues I have been having. Having a good community would help in these difficult and uncertain times or even in good times where I can share my life with people and have people share their lives back. It would help with day to day things that come up as well. And over all, I can see this being a decision that could bring a lot of fulfillment in my life given my values. I feel like a lot of my little existential crisis do have an element lack of community, connection, and sense of isolation: I feel like my current environment with living in the suburbs and working at a corporate job, I wouldn't say that it's draining but it does feel discouraging, not because there are people who are putting me down for the aspirations I have, but because I'm in an environment where certain things are normalized and I simply don't resonate with that. I don't care about the corporate ladder. I don't care about home ownership. I'm like 80% sure that I don't want kids. But the stuff I listed out, those are things that are at the forefront of what people aspire to and often talk about once they get to a certain age. There's nothing wrong with those things. But I find myself feeling like there is something wrong with me or that I'm some how stunted for not having the same aspirations because I'm not seeing many alternatives in my current envionment. Maybe the stuff that I want is unrealistic, but it's only unrealistic because I live in the suburbs and I need to be in an environment where I can do the things I want without it being a difficult uphill climb systemically to do so. Maybe I do need a change of space.

Depressive Hedonia I watched this video earlier and I have a lot of thoughts regarding American suburban life, corporate life, and the nuclear family. I feel like the thing that each of these things have in common is this notion of isolation from community and how we're just seen as individual little units rather than a broader collective. The suburbs and how car centric it is causes people to be in this situation where we don't really see eye to eye on a regular basis because we're all in our little pods when we're outside and when we're at home, we're all in our little boxes. There is a lack of serendipity and spontaneity in the suburbs. Not to mention there is a history of homogeny in the development of the suburbs back in the 1940s and 1950s that was built under the premise of exclusion on the grounds of racism and often homophobia. Corporate America also has similar issues regarding exclusion and homogenity. There is also the sense of alienation because most people cannot show up as their fully authentic selves at work without jeopardizing career opportunities or working relationships (lord knows I can't go on an political rant because my coworkers will probably look at me like I have a third tit). There is a sense of alienation where the worker doesn't have the same self interest as the management where the worker wants to do their jobs and then enjoy their lives (or do a little work as necessary) while the management wants to extract every bit of your time and energy for the sake of profit. This isn't just limited to corporate jobs, all jobs have this sort of dynamic one way or another. You're main reward for doing a good job is getting more work to do. But I feel like corporate specifically has a sense of coldness to it that cannot be said the same about working retail or working as a barista. I think part of it is the classes that are often found in either category and I feel like as you go up in class whether you're a middle class corporate person all the way to being a wealthy manager who is in the top 1%, people tend to get colder as the office politics, the power, and the money becomes bigger. In a way, while I do care about career progression, I'm kind of glad I'm in the bottom of the totem pole making a middle class esq kind of money because I'm around normal people rather than power hungry corporate pick mes (I've heard that while the lower parts of my company are chill that upper and middle management are MESSY). Then there is the nuclear family which suffers from both the isolation of suburbia and the drain of corporate America. It's heteronormative. It's cookie cutter in the sense that if you deviate from being a straight couple with a minimum of 2 kids people will likely think you're weird. Back in the day, it was seen as weird or a failure if you live with your parents and extended family, because why tf aren't you more successful and independent. While being child free is being seen as less weird now, there is a good chunk of people who will think that you're engaging in an alternative life style that they have no clue how to engage with if you decide not to have children. Hell, even if you decide to have a kid and just stop at one, people will think you're selfish because you're making the kid lonely because they don't have a sibling and/or they will think your kid is weird because there are a lot of unfortunate stereotypes around only children (girl, I've heard some crazy assumptions about me when people find out I'm an only). And there is this notion that if you don't have kids, you're basically going to die alone and unfulfilled because having kids is seen as the default ticket to community and fulfilling one's potential. And don't get me wrong, I do see family as an important component of community and I do see parenthood as something that requires a lot of time and effort and can come with a good pay off. But it's not for everyone and it doesn't gurantee anything. You kids can die or they can stop talking to you. They might not grow to be particularly close. There is a lot that can happen. Also, a lot of parents lose the light behind their eyes after having a kid. And I think a lot of it is the way that raising a kid can overwhelm you and how it can trap you in various life situations. I know my coworkers can just up and leave their jobs for example because they have families to take care of and a mortgage to pay. And because their jobs and childcare takes up like 90% of their waking lives, not only do they not have the energy to critically engage with a lot of things in life like hobbies, other relationships etc. but in a way, it's like they become like this zombie because work and childcare monopolized their whole lives and whole identities. I'm not saying this is all parents because I also know parents who are able to pour into their own cup and explore other interests along side with being a parent. But it's hard and not a lot of people are able to get to that point with no fault of their own. That monopolization of time, energy, and even identity along with any other stessors that might be going on in their lives, can cause people to feel like 5, 10, or even 20 years have passed by without them knowing. It's because they're overwhelmed and in survival mode for so long that they aren't even able to be concious and present as life is passing them by. Now going back to the video. At first glance, I thought this video was just going to talk about overconsumption and consumer culture. And it did talk about that but it also talked about other things as well. One particular concept that I found interesting was the topic of depressive hedonia. The video talks about this in the concept of people seeing shopping as a "hobby" because it is pleasurable thing to do but it doesn't really compel you to be mindful, grow certain skills, or engage with the people around you in the same way that other hobbies do. A lot of people use shopping as an escape from their difficult lives and often times, our quality of our work lives directly correlate to the quality of our personal lives in terms of work life balance. The video isn't black and white in the way that shopping can be part of a hobby but not the hobby itself. You can buy things in service of a hobby. You can also buy things out of appreciation for a hobby. For example, a person who is into working out and loves buying workout sets is not the problem nor is a person who is interested in the craftsmanship and the history of certain designers buying a luxury hand bag isn't the problem either. The compulsive shopping to find identity in the fantasies that are being marketed to you, to pass the time after a busy work week with the little time we have, to feel alive, that's the problem. Because there isn't much to do in the suburbs, sometiems I do think to myself after a long day of work that *maybe I should go to Sephora, Homegoods, and Target just to walk around and see what's up.* I don't really buy anything. I just think it's nice to walk around these stores because walking around in a car centric setting just feels depressing and walking on a treadmill feels boring because I want to get outside my apartment. It's like my alternative to living in a walkable area. But when I do walk around, I do find myself thinking about how weird it is that one of my forms of entertainment is just going to a store and shopping (even though I don't really buy anything since I'm pretty good about not making impulse purchases). And I know that there are people who are less mindful of their spending habits than I am who develop a shopping addiction or just a not so great relationship with consummerism with the same thing that I'm doing. What I'm trying to say is that I get on how people fall into the habit of mindlessly consuming especially when they live in a suburban area because it is a way to get some kind of novelty and walkability after a long day. The best way to describe the light going out in people's eyes when they get a corporate job or have kids and are burnt out is the concept of depressive hedonia in relation to the way they engage with pleasure and the world around them. I'll give an example regarding my coworkers and their vacation time. A lot of my coworkers when they go on vacation, they usually opt for a cruise or an all inclusive resort. I get that people's tastes in travel can differ and that not everyone wants to back pack around and stay at sketchy hostels like I do lol. There's nothing wrong with wanting to go to a different geographical location and just unplug from work, your responsibilities at home (i.e. taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning etc.), and break from your regular routine. At the same time, this form of vacationing, when it's the main form of vacationing you engage in, feels kind of like you're disconnecting from reality and disassociating rather than actively doing something that challenges you, gives you meaning, and leaves you feeling energized rather than lethargic. Not to mention, there is a whole slew of issues regarding the ethics of going on a cruise and staying at an all inclusive because of the way that these industries exploit locals. I wrote about this in a journal entry a while back regarding luxury travel: And I get why people do this. People are exhausted at work while balancing a kid or three and they don't want to worry about the logistics of a trip with planning a get away. I'm not judging my corworkers when they talk about their trips. But I will say that as someone engages with travel as a hobby, this does feel rather empty. I'm also not going to rain on anyone's parade and talk about capitalism, exploitation, colonialism etc. after a much needed vacation. But I do wonder to what extent my coworkers critically engage with this topic as well as how much they critically engage with other areas of their lives. I'm not going to assume that the answer is that they don't critically engage at all because they're grown and they have the capability to do so but I do think that while they have the capability, they don't always have the desire to utilize that ciritical thinking. And it's not to imply that they're lazy, unconcious, or lacking in depth because that's who they are at their core, but it is to question the material conditions that can deter people from critically engaging with the world, whether it be about their life decisions, what's happening in the news and politics, or engage in meaningful hobbies rather than mindless scrolling on TikTok shop. I'm not exempt from this. I too can have the thinking pattern of a vegtable after scrolling on social media too much, I could probably use more meaningful hobbies in my life, and I could engage in life more by actively doing things to enact change rather than passively consuming leftist media and video essays. I'm not coming at this from a place of cyncism where I'm judging people as checked out sheeple because I find myself resonating with the sheeple tendencies as well rather I'm coming from a place of curiousity. It's also so weird working in corporate because I do find myself learning a lot in my job and while I'm glad that I'm not in a *head empty no thoughts* kind of menial job, I don't find myself fufilled by any of the learning there. It doesn't hit the same as learning things in school, even when it came to subjects I had no interest in. The information I'm learning on the job is not information that really applies to my life outside of work versus the information I would learn in school. While I was learning things in school, I found myself feeling like the world makes more sense and that I'm taking in the world with more depth and understanding. I feel like the four years between graduating from high school versus graduating from college has me feeling like the difference between seeing the world in black and white versus viewing it in HD and in color. Like I'm able to take in so much more and engage with the world around me through what I learned in my classes. That's how I describe the feeling of being educated. And I cannot say that I feel educated despite learning a lot at my job. And I can see how people see this dynamic and either get turned away from learning anything new after getting a job because learning is associated with this sense of meaninglessness and even exhaustion in a capitalist setting that prioritize profit over everything else or they do care about learning but they're too exhausted toengage with things in a meaningful way because they already used up all of their mental and physical energy at work. Whether it's seeing shopping as a hobby, lazing around a beach while a cabana boy brings you a mojito, being checked out global and societal affairs, or not doing things that helps you learn or expand your world view, I think that this is indicative of a collective version of normalized depressive hedonia. And it's not getting better because our material conditions are getting worse. People are thristing for a narrative and meaning to escape this depressive hedonia which sometimes causes people to fall down facist pipelines which then produces more of the conditions that created this in the first place. It's harder to maintain stability when it comes to work. It's harder to manage a household when capitalism bleeds you dry, sets the environment on fire, and causes chaos and existential dread. It's harder to maintain meaningful relationships and activities when your time and energy are being monopolized. It's harder compared to what things were like before in many valid ways which then leads you back to romanticizing the past and potentailly falling into regressive patterns of thought. And it's tragic the way that the people who need to be having these conversations the most, the people who need to actively engage with the world around them to fight for their rights, are the people who are the least likely to because they don't have the priviledge to engage. Even having these conversations and these thoughts are indicative of priviledge of being able to do so. It's kind of crazy on how more aware I am of my own sense of survival after graduating from school and "being out there in the real world" despite having better conditions from when I was growing up. I get why people fall into various addictions to cope. I get why people numb themselves out through compulsory consumption. I get why people lose their identies and their sense to fight as they get older (and it's not just maturation alone). I get why people stagnate in self growth and self education. I get why people feel trapped. I get why people turn into the cubicle fish from Spongebob:

The Problems In My Life At This Moment I just want to vent about the problems that are currently affecting my life in order to process somethings because I feel like March has been a lot in terms of the mental load I've had. I'm going to order this according to what I feel the most pressing as well as what I feel is kind of frivolous. On a scale of 1-10 for pain, 1 is something that is a minor and annoying inconvenience while 10 is like I'm having a constant existential crisis to where I want to rot in bed all day. On a scale of 1-10 for how frivolous something is, 1 is to describe some heavy, serious shit while 10 is like the Kim Kardashian diamond earring meme. 1. I'm going through a bad friendship breakup. (Pain: 7 Frivolous Level: 8) I would say that this was at a 9 or 10 about a month ago but now it has dropped down to a 7 pain wise. I find myself ruminating a lot at night and getting into these negative thought spirals. I've mainly been journalling abou this privately in my notes app on my phone because I don't want to cause drama. I've found myself self isolating from my friends because this situation has caused me to close myself off and think that my presance is draining and negative. The general sense of depression is gone, only appearing at like 11pm at night which we all know, your brain tends to act tf up when you haven't been physically taking care of yourself whether it's because you need to sleep or because you haven't eaten a vegetable in three days. I would say I mainly struggle with social anxiety and self esteem issues at this point. I put the frivolous level at an 8 because I feel kind of silly for dealing with this situation at my grown age. Like I have insecurities that I haven't dealt with because I have resolved back in the past when I was like 17 cropping up again. Also, I feel like a lot of my friendship issues are kind of frivolous in that a lot of the people I know are dealing with much heavier shit than I am such as abusive working conditions, job loss, death, etc. and meanwhile I'm sitting here with my biggest problem being *i wish people would hang out with me more and tell me that they like me UwU* 2. I hate being the main person reaching out to make plans with people (Pain: 5 Frivolous Level: 10) I feel like this issue goes hand in hand with issue #1 but I put it in it's own category because I was dealing with this problem before issue #1 came up. I feel like if issue 2 is Magikarp, then it eventually evolved into issue 1 which is a Gyrados (my pokemon nerds will understand). Issue 2 started out as relatively harmless but kind of annoying and then it evolved into a strong and threatening issue that severely impacts my mental health. Pain wise, I would say before issue 1 came up, this was at like a 2. But since issue one poured gasoline on this, I'm putting the pain at a 5. I'm putting the frivolous level at a 10 because it feels more frivolous than issue 1. 3. My job feels stressful at times and my career prospects feel blurry (Pain: 4 Frivolous Level: 5) I'm putting the pain at a 4 because I would say that my job is exhausting and annoying but not so much so to where I'm working crazy hours and all of the other areas of my life are suffering because of my toxic job. My career prospects feel blurry in the sense that I know where I want to go but the world around me currently feels too unstable for me to go about pursuing things in a sustainable way. And yes, that is existential crisis inducing but also, I have a sense of direction, I have a stable job, and I'm not under the hot water of being unemployed with no money or prospects. As a result, I'm putting this at a frivolous level of 5 because this is something that is important and it's understandable that I feel this way considering the outside conditions but at the same time, I'm in a priviledged place to actually think about higher values like fulfillment and I'm also not in deep shit right now. Nevertheless, I do find myself having the occasional Luigi moment where I'm thinking how nothing is enough for these parasites and they have it coming. 4. Existential political dread for the immediate future (Pain: 4 Frivolous Level: 3) I'm putting the frivolous level at 3 because there's some scary stuff happening in this country regarding the erosion of democracy, the rise of oligarchy, the crashing of the markets, the destruction of our rights, and the implementation of a surveillance state. The thing that's freaking me out the most I would say is ICE basically doing whatever the fuck they want and how apparently, if you're travelling internationally, your phones can be searched and if they find anything against Trump, you're fucked. The only reason the frivolous level isn't lower is because I'm not directly being impacted right at this time. I'm putting the pain at 4 because I definitely feel it but I feel like I'm coping well at this point. Again, this comes from a place of privilege because I'm not directly being impacted right now. And don't get me wrong, I definitely still care about what's happening to other people and communities and I'm not dissassociating by any means (if anything, I've been on information consumption mode). At the same time, I am grounding myself in what is directly in front of me right at this moment and staying present so I don't overwhelm myself with all of the world's problems. I'm also just telling myself that this is not going to forever but I do need to brace myself for the storm up ahead and that I'm going to be able to get through this because I'm fortunate enough to have the resources to help myself and the people immediately around me. 5. Recovering from surgery (Pain: 2 Frivolous Level: 10) Now that I'm past the 1 month mark, the pain of the procedure is minimal. Most of it has to do with how weird the swelling feels and how I don't like wearing the compression garments. So that's why the pain is at a 2. I would say earlier back when I got the surgery done, the pain was at a 5 where it was manageable physically mentally but it was creating a mental load on me because I had to return to work, I was still sitting with the *what have I done* feeling, and it was hard to do some basic tasks (not because I was physically restricted mobility wise but because I lacked the energy due to still recovering). Frivolous level is a 10 because this is something that was totally optional and something I chose for myself rather than something that is coming from a health concern. I'm not saying that just because it's frivolous that it means that my decision was bad or unnecessary but it is to say that this does fall into the champagne problems *I lost my diamond earring in the sea* vibe.

Surgery Update 3/27- 1 Month After Surgery Surgery reflections 3/23 It’s been 3 weeks and some change since the surgery. I’m approaching 1 month post op. The swelling is getting better and as a result, the binder is kind of comfortable now due to it fitting looser, but also I have transitioned into a pair of Spanx so they would provide more compression due to how tight they are. The Spanx are still pretty uncomfortable, mainly in the way that they roll down since I’m still swollen. And when they roll down, they dig into my skin. I’m also doing much better mobility wise as well as in my mental health at work. I got through most of the week without feeling resentful and I didn’t take time off. I was a bit overwhelmed this week but it wasn’t too bad. Over all, the week of the 17th to the 21st was me feeling 85% myself. I’m kind of looking forward to the week ahead to see myself get back to normal. My body image has been weird. I know there is a big difference from the surgery and they took a lot out but I still feel like about the same size because of the swelling. My body also feels distorted since I’m not used to my new proportions. I’m also feeling impatient with the swelling because I want to see my final results. I’m counting down to the end of May because I was told that at the 3 month mark, most, if not all, the swelling will disappear by then. I’m also counting down to when I can stop using the belly button ointment and the belly button plug. It’s coming up in a few days and I’m excited because putting on the ointment and plug felt weird. I’m also looking forward to the day I can stop wearing the Spanx and compression garments which is on 4/10. While I’m doing much better and I can see progress on a day to day basis, I do feel like this whole thing has taken a toll on me. I know I’m past the hard part with the pain and the drains and it should be smooth sailing from here but I’m feeling impatient. I just want to get to a point where I feel like a normal person again. I hate swelling. I hate not being able to sleep on my stomach. I hate the Spanx. And I hate just feeling off in my own body for an extended period of time. Surgery Reflections 1- Month Post Op 3/27 I was going to write in this journal only for my thoughts at the 1-month mark. But a few days ago I REALLY wanted to write and get my thoughts out. And I’m glad I did because despite 3/23 being a few days ago, I feel like there has been a vibe shift and I’m glad that I’m going to be able to capture that as I write this entry. The Spanx are not super uncomfortable at this point since the swelling went down more and they no longer roll down and dig at my skin. I feel like that was one of the big things that was irritating me a few days ago. I remember when I first put them on dreading how I’ll have to wear this for another 3 ish weeks. Not only am I one week down, but I think now that it’s more comfortable, the next 2 weeks don’t seem nearly as intimidating. I would say that on an annoyance scale from 1-10, 10 being unbearably annoying, the Spanx at like 3/23 was at an 8 and now it’s like at a 4. I would say it’s annoying because it’s hard to take off when I need to go to the bathroom and because it takes away from the feeling of normalcy. I'm also done with the belly button ointment today. I don't have much to add on that other than that I'm glad that's done and over with because the ointment felt weird. I was counting down to this day and I'm glad that this day has finally come. I'm also counting down to stop wearing the compression garments and I already know that this will feel even better than stopping the oinment. The swelling has gone down by a good amount to where I feel like now I’m seeing the results of the surgery. I mentioned before that my body image felt weird because the swelling made me feel like I was the same size as before. That feeling has reduced by a lot. I think also feeling like I’m seeing results has helped in the *what have I done* emotion that I have been experiencing in the last month. I feel like that feeling has reduced by a solid 60% since the time I first felt it back at the 1 week mark. I feel pretty optimistic going forward about what I have done and the final results at the 3-month mark. This has been a very much *trust the process* kind of situation. But I will say, my body image still feels kind of distorted since I’m not used to having the proportions I have now. I can kind of empathize with people when they fall into this addiction to “fixing” things through plastic surgery. Like after you get over the first hump of the recovery process (which can be pretty difficult to where I wouldn’t say that surgery is the “easy way out”) and granted you don’t have any complications, you get this feeling of *you know what, that wasn’t too bad* and that can lead to thinking *what else can I do?* That, combined with how it takes some time for you to get used to your new proportions, I can see how if you didn’t do this surgery with a sound mind how this can be a slippery slope. And that’s without you being a celebrity who ends up spending ungodly amounts of time fixated on what you look like on screen, pressures from the industry (your workplace) saying if you get things done you’ll increase your earning potential and get more opportunities, and being in an environment surrounded by people who normalize such procedures. Let’s just say, I’m pretty happy that I was like 90% comfortable with my size and body with the exception of my stomach before the procedure and that I’m a normal person with a normal-person job where my looks aren’t front and center in terms of the opportunities that I can get myself. My mobility feels pretty good to the point where I can see myself doing some light workouts. However, my energy levels don’t feel as great because of the mental toll this has taken on me causing me to feel more exhausted than normal. I also feel like for the first 2-weeks after the surgery, I did the laundry, a ton of meal prep, and had people helping me with chores there and there, that this kind of got me out of the habit of doing things for myself so now I feel like I’m exerting extra energy when doing something like cooking. I also haven’t washed any dishes since the surgery and I have been using the dishwasher the entire time which isn’t typical for me. I have a lot of things I’m looking forward to. In a few days I’ll have my 1- month post op doctor’s visit. In 2 weeks, I can stop wearing my compression garments. I don’t know when but one of these weeks, I’ll be able to return to sleeping on my stomach. I’m excited to see my full results considering what I’m seeing now. I’m excited to get back into working out with full force later. I’m excited to try on some of my older clothes as well as get some new things as well. I’m excited to see how this change is going to impact other areas of my life since in the past, my stomach did take up a great deal of mental space. But most importantly, I can’t wait to feel like a normal person once the swelling disappears completely.

I appreciate it @RendHeaven. I feel pretty good about this decision since I put a lot of thought to it and I have prepared accordingly. I feel like that has shined through in how easy the recovery has been so far physically, emotionally, and logistically. I would say I'm guarded about plastic surgery but not so much so to where I have demonized in the past and think it's inherently bad. I feel like, even as someone who has under gone such a procedure, that I have a healthy degree of skepticism towards an elective and invasive procedure. I think when it comes to engaging with beauty standards and the industries that profit off of said standards, for most women it's opening a can of worms because of all of the personal and societal baggage it carries. And for a lot of people, things can get out of hand whether it's in the form of a messed up relationship with food, being obsessive about anti-aging, botched surgeries, etc. And that's the overt stuff. It can also affect the general way you move through the world, the types of relationships you entertain, and even putting off various milestones or life experiences because you don't look your best. I feel like this video is pretty good at summing things up if you're looking for another perspective in addition to being a monkey-brained male . At the same time, our looks, whether it's through fashion, makeup, getting your hair done, or even plastic surgery, is a form of self expression. It's weird that some men think that women only put in effort towards their looks for male attention when that's not the case most of the time. It's also a form of self care for some people in order to relax. It's also a hobby or interest for people who take this to an art form. I also think about Leo's life purpose course. One of the exercises involves picking 10 values we resonate with and building our life off of that and having that be the guiding light. One of the items on the conscious values list was beauty which I thought was interesting. While it's not one of the 10 values I have selected for myself, it is something that I have thought of. And I think beauty can be a conscious value in the way that it can force you to slow and and appreciate consciousness itself. It's going out in nature and allowing yourself to be at awe when you climb to the peak of a mountain. It's focussing deeply on a craft that you love. It's admiring and romanticizing little things in your life even it's as mundane as making yourself a meal. And that is just to name a few. I feel like Rajiv Surendra's content really embodies valueing beauty in a conscious form: I 100% agree. I can't say that this decision came from a lot of higher ideals like creativity, authenticity, self expression etc. I did make this decision to deal with a insecurity I have had for years. I don't think that making decisions due to negative emotions or experiences are inherently bad but it is something to proceed with caution. I think a lot of major life decisions don't have a right or wrong in the decision itself but rather a scale of how much conscious thought we have put into it. It's not about the decision or outcome, it's about the processes and reasonings that led us to that conclusion. Now you're just stroking my ego lmao

I would describe it as chaotic and disorienting. There is a lot happening and also not a lot. Like there are some pretty alarming things getting passed and then a couple days later the administration back tracks. @DocWatts did a good job summarizing the really alarming parts of what's going on. Though I'm not personally being affected, I have friends who were starting their careers who now don't have a job or are struggling to pay for their education due to the financial aid / grant freezes. My desired career path apart from my current corporate job (which I don't really like but I'm holding on to for dear life) seems ambigous. I'm also just dealing with a degree of existential dread as the rich get richer, as we slowly lose our rights, as the measles are back like it's 1945 again, and there are proposals to dismantle the Department of Education while I'm expected to just carry on like normal at work.

I love this country. I don't love this current governement but I love the people in it. I love my friends and my family. I'm not going to abandon ship over some temporary political upheaval given that I'm not in a dire situation. I also feel like this video is an interesting perspective to add to this conversation: