soos_mite_ah

You can take the lead and be assertive and still ask for consent and check in. A guy asking me "do you want me to pin you down and have my hands around your throat?" is basically dirty talk. Nothing unassertive about that. If you can't ask for consent in the middle of sex, you're probably an awkward creep who can't talk dirty. There is nothing sexy being an awkward creep who can't talk dirty .

I'm so glad y'all brought this up. The whole hard close thing freaks me out as well. It's a recipe for disaster.

I'm very much the same way. It simply doesn't resonate with me though for me it doesn't come from a place of moralization. I think casual sex can have a bad reputation (especially for women partaking in it) because some people assume that it's always shallow and that you must be messed up in the head, or you have a gaping hole in your soul. While people can have a bad relationship to casual sex, for some people it can be a way of exploring and getting to know their sexuality. It can be a way to get to know the different things they like and different ways of having sex. It can be away to gain more sexual confidence for people. I think coming at casual sex as an exploration perspective is a healthy way to go about it. It's perfectly fine if casual sex doesn't resonate with you or if it feels wrong for you personally. IMO, I'd still be vary of the moralizing, even if you're just moralizing to yourself. Sure casual sex isn't the thing that you want/need now but imo it isn't healthy to shame yourself out the possibility. Your needs and wants can change later on and that's fine. And even if they don't change, that's fine too.

Shaming a man for being a pussy for asking for consent just shows me that the person doing the shaming has no idea about the female experience or how women work in general. Asking someone "what do you want me to do to you" or "do you want me to do ____" is asking for consent but it can also be sexy. Also asking makes a woman more safer and feel like she can do more things with you. Even if she says no, she will still have a sense of respect for you because you respect her. I mean even then consent is on going. Even if she "led him on" or "changed her mind" no is still no. "Leading him on" is often used as an excuse for men to not pay attention to what a woman actually wants. There are women out there who get told that they "led him on" based on what she was wearing even if she didn't even interact with the guy before hand. A need to feel safe and respected isn't the same as the desire to feel properly pleasured. Both are important don't get me wrong, but a baseline foundation of safety is much more important for both genders, but especially women because of the things that can happen to us and the things we worry about.

Women and gay men are less likely to be emotionally repressed in the same way that straight men are because stoicism isn't as pushed. They also tend to be more emotionally expressive and don't discount their intuition. Straight men on the other hand tend to dismiss anything that doesn't align with their strict notions of logic and rationality even when emotions and intution can be rational. To them and a lot of people who are like this, the dichotomy is emotional vs logical nor logical vs illogical. Also, feminine integration is big. Often times femininity and things associated with such tend to be seen as frivolous, dumb, and inferior by the patriarchy and the repression of the feminine is much worse when it comes to men because as soon as he embraces his femininity, he is branded as less of a man or people think that something is wrong with him.

Casual sex is fine but it isn't for everyone. For some people it's healthy but for others it isn't. Just because it isn't right for you doesn't mean that it's sinful. Honor your needs and your emotions but don't judge others who partake in casual sex as sinful. People aren't always messed up for having casual sex. Again, it can be healthy for them. I think what matters more is WHY you decided to have casual sex or not rather than IF you decided to have casual sex or not. The decision itself doesn't matter but the reason behind it does.

Can you tell me how to do this? I'm tech stupid lol

I have a similar feeling as well. For me, looking older isn't so much about losing attractiveness. I've seen plenty of older women and men who look amazing because of their age rather than despite it. I guess part of it has to do with me having older parents and living around older people my whole life so there is a sense of appreciation I have for the beauty of the aging process because of that sense of familiarity. I've started having a few grey hairs since I was 18 or so (it's genetic, some people in my family grey earlier and I guess I got that gene lol) and I always thought silvery strands looked absolutely beautiful. My thing is about looking tired and done with life. It isn't about attractiveness, it's about losing that sense of vitality and drifting into decay. I guess part of it also has to do with the fear of death. I know that on the days that I look tired (usually because of a lack of sleep), even when I physically feel fine, I feel this drag on my psyche. I know that on the days that I look energized (usually because of me taking the time to do my makeup), even when I feel stressed or tired, there is a part of me that feels more energized and ready to take on the day. Inevitably as I get older, I'm probably going to look a little more worn out by default, I just don't want to feel worn out everyday until I die lol. I also really like having an active life whether it is me being able to independently do things or me doing physically rigorous activities like working out or playing sports. And knowing that it's probably not going to be forever is disappointing but it makes me appreciate my ability to do things in the now much more. I guess I don't have much of a fear of aging as I have a concern. I know I can mitigate this to a certain extent. I can choose to take care of my body through diet and exercise which then can help me pursue activities I like for longer. I can choose to emotionally be in a happier place which can bring back that sense of vitality. I've noticed that the spark that people have in their eyes can make a person look more youthful and energetic even when their body and features might say otherwise. I have met people in their 20s and 30s who look completely done with life because of their emotional state and I have met 70 year olds who look like they are ready to take on the world and explore different aspects of life. Then there is the thing around success. There is something that is presented as sexier in society and media about becoming successful when you're young rather than becoming successful when you're older. Being successful when you're young has this connotation of beating everyone and achieving things earlier than the people around you because you didn't make the same mistakes as they did and instead got a fast track to your goals. It has this perceived sense of efficiency and talent and seeming like you got successful quick is appealing especially in a society that tends to prefer instant gratification. I think social media makes things worse because you have young people flaunting their wealth and success and even if people know that those people are the anomaly, it normalizes being a millionaire before 25 in your subconscious mind and little reptile brain. It adds on to the fetishization of youth and I know a lot of young people who feel like they are losing out on their youth for whatever reason (extra responsibilities, working hard at work, mental health difficulties, strict families etc) and there is this feeling of how your teens and 20s are the only time you have to have fun and also achieve big things. There is a part of me that feels so behind even though I know that I have so much life ahead of me still. And often times I find comfort in seeing people who are older achieve things later on in life because it makes me feel like I still have time to get my shit together and turn things around. It alleviates some of the pressure. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time despite being so young. Part of me doesn't even feel young. I have a fear of wasting my precious life on doing stupid shit. The only time men come into the picture for me isn't so much about aging. If anything, getting older is something I look forward to when it comes to dating. I look older than my peers. It mainly has to do with the way my body has developed and because of the way that I dress. I can't wear I guess more youthful styles without looking too provocative so I've always had a push from myself, my family, and society as a whole to not dress a certain way because I just don't want to deal with the people staring (that's a whole nother topic though). I don't like looking older because I rarely attract guys my age. I've been getting approached by men in their late 20s and early 30s since I was 15. Ands words can't express how blessed I feel that I haven't had a run in with a predator yet because as soon as men find out that I'm too young for them, the leave me tf alone. The whole situation is uncomfortable and intimidating, not because they are creepy, but because you feel the clear power dynamic. That uncomfortable feeling/ intimidation factor isn't as bad now because I'm not an awkward 15 year old anymore, but it is still annoying. As for skincare, I kind of see it similar to working out. You don't have to have a fear of aging to get into anti-aging skincare in the same way you don't have to have body image issues or have a fear of getting fat to start working out. In my opinion, it's often a way to take care of yourself and relax. It doesn't have always be about a fear or insecurity.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career 1:18-2:22: The Pressure from Childhood Ok so she has timestamps on this video which makes journaling on this much easier for me lol Katherine talks about how growing up around San Francisco in a work centric culture that she never really questioned hustle culture and some of the unhealthy aspects of it. She mentions that there was a pressure to go to an elite 4 year university growing up and then get a prestigious brand name job and basically have your life planned out by the time you're 13 instead of letting yourself grow, explore your interests, let yourself be creative, and make memories with friends. Instead, there is this pressure of figuring out your life 5-10 years down the line which isn't healthy for children at that age. While I didn't grow up in the Bay Area, I did grow up in a circle of strict, and often elitist Asian parents so I do kind of get that pressure to go to an elite 4 year university and have your life planned out. I remember that at 17 my uncle asked me what I was majoring in and what the prospects of that major will be 15 years from now, how things will grow and what career path I'm going to take. And I was just sitting there like *listen my guy, I'm 17, I can't remember what life was like 15 years ago yet you expect me to figure out where I'm going to be in 15 years and how life will turn out and honestly wtf.* 2:23-3:53: How College Pushes You Towards Industry Here she talks about how her business major was basically like majoring in jobs and doesn't have the same academic rigor as a lot of liberal arts majors and how you aren't exposed to theory, different ways of looking at the world, and critical thinking as much as other majors. She mentions on how the practical aspects of a business degree is important but it's also important to have a balanced and ethical world view so that you have a better idea on how to do business. I agree with her 100%. I am majoring in management and international relations with a minor in human rights. I am getting a business degree and I'm also pursuing something that has a lot of the humanities and social sciences as well. I'm exposed to both groups of people, business majors and liberal arts majors and while educationally I get the best of both worlds, the practical knowledge of a business degree and the critical thinking skills of a liberal arts degrees, I do see these two worlds collide in conflicting ways at times. Business as a field of study is blowing up more and more in universities and I think a lot of it has to do with the way that learning is commodified as a way of getting a degree to get a job instead of learning for the sake of learning and educating yourself. Especially in the U.S. where colleges are like businesses that put people into debt, there is this notion of *you need to get a degree that is worth the money and that will pay off the debt* instead of pursuing something you're actually interested in and that makes you feel educated about the world. And with a lot of people who majored in business, I did get a vibe of being more achievement oriented rather than looking out for the broader system and empathizing with others. And even if I don't use my international relations degree of my human rights minor, I do believe that choosing to study these subjects did give me a more well rounded education. 3:53-11:36 In this basically she talks about how once she got dropped into the corporate world she started being skeptical about what it is she was doing with her life and if corporate America is for her. Then she started talking about working to live vs living to work and how having your career as a big part of your identity can be detrimental in your sense of happiness, fulfillment, and mental health and how a lot of the happiest countries in the world have less work/labor centric cultures compared to the U.S. Then she discusses the dangers of glorifying work. While I haven't worked a corporate job, I did find myself questioning a lot of this especially lately as I've been trying to figure out my purpose, my priorities, and how I want to live my life. Despite what this video says, I do have a dream career that I'm piecing together but I am aware that this is a piece to my fulfillment and it isn't everything. I do want to align myself with my life purpose but I also believe that there is so much more to life purpose than a career and the skills you're cultivating. I do also have a desire to go out and explore different places and their attitude towards work and career because I do believe that other places on the planet (*cough, cough* New Zealand) has a more balanced and healthier view on this. I liked her example of the Netherlands and how when you ask people what they do they list out their hobbies and their roles in other people's lives before talking about what they do for a living because their interests and roles in the community is a better reflection of them. I found that really wholesome. 11:36- end This section talks about how to cope with this situation which includes but isn't limited to setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, contemplating what would you do if all of your needs are fulfilled to actualize, and looking at the people you admire and take note what you actually admire about them. I don't really much to say on this but valid points and action items were made. I like the question "if capitalism wasn't a thing and all of your needs and wants were fulfilled, what would you do with your time?" I feel like this is a stage green version of the 10 million dollar question which is along the lines of "if you had 10 million dollars, what would you do with your time after you exhausted your needs and wants?" It's basically the same question but phrased in different ways. I mention this because the 10 million dollar question was one of the things that the life purpose course talked about.

I want to start off with saying that I really like your journal and I think that I can learn a lot from the experiences that you are sharing here. Personally, in my journey I found it difficult to balance more than 2 people at once per month when it comes to dating and I noticed that I get tired of the process of dating quite easily. I've been trying to address that and my limiting beliefs so that I can let loose and enjoy the process more instead of feeling this exhaustion with dating. Maybe it's because I haven't found people that I really click with or really like but dating often feels like a drag to me. I never had a problem with being needy/clingy. If anything I find myself coming off as distant because of the time I need to recharge and I suppose in many cases, lack of interest. I guess my question is, how do you balance all of this? Does it ever feel socially exhausting? If so, how do you deal with that?

I think the last time I took the MBTI test I was an ENTJ but I will say that my T function and my E function were relatively weak. I consider myself more of an ambivert rather than an extrovert and I like to think have a pretty good integration of matters of the head and heart.

Is it possible to have already invested a couple thousand hours into a craft without realizing that it's your purpose? Is that how our strengths manifest? Or does the 10,000 hour rule start over when you actually commit to your life purpose?

Nope it's a J lol. But then again, I don't really believe much in personality tests so there is that I think this is a really good point that was made and I wanted to acknowledge and highlight that. I do believe that my purpose is to understand and improve the human condition but I know that this is super vague and I'm not super clear on how I want to manifest that yet. I have a sense of direction but I don't really know where exactly I'm going.

Yeah I have experience with this. To a certain extent it's true but it isn't the most sustainable in the long run especially when you run into challenges. For me personally, my parents wanted me to get into math so that I would want to pursue a STEM career or something technical. They made me practice a lot from a young age and I basically went through my entire education thinking I liked math when really I just liked that I was good at math. I got to college and I started taking more math heavy courses for my finance major and I realized that when I don't get the gratification of getting math right away, I become frustrated and resentful of the process instead of being present in the moment and enjoying the process of figuring the problems out. That lasted me for a solid 15+ years. I was convinced that this was what I was passionate about and I was also consistent with it as well (always taking extra classes etc.). It took some digging into my memories until I realized that liking math wasn't something that was internal rather it was a path that I was put on at a young age to where I forgot that I was put on that path. I think there is some merit when it comes to working on something and then having the passion follow but you shouldn't have to keep doing something even if you don't want to to get to that point. Like you need that initial spark of interest but you still need to cultivate it to a warm and consistent fire. You might be initially interested and attracted to someone but you still need to cultivate that relationship by consistently showing up for that person for it to be considered love. But again, you still need that spark in the first place. Ok my next question has to do with dabbling. Over the years I've had many interests but now I'm starting to notice that they all intersect into a common theme. I've been interested in a variety of things ranging from religion, spirituality, self development, basically all of the social sciences, contemplation, pop culture and more. I noticed that the reason why I was drawn to these things is because I wanted to understand and improve the human condition and that was the purpose I was building and following without realizing it. I think I naturally tend to jump from topic to topic and that I like things that are multifaceted and holistic. Would this count as dabbling? Do I need to hone in on something very specific (especially when we consider having a niche and finding the purple cow)? Or will this holistic, multifaceted approach help me figure out my niche? Could being a master of one go hand in hand with being a jack of all trades? Because in order to master something, you need to know multiple ways and aspects of doing something? For example, if you're going to be a master at painting, you need to also be a jack of all trades because you need know how to work with different mediums, different techniques, and different styles.

There are numerous decades where that was the standard of beauty for women and if you deviated from it you weren't considered attractive. Especially for women, what is considered attractive changes every decade or so.

I think for these cases, it's difficult to rehabilitate violent people once they have crossed the line towards that direction. You would need A LOT of therapy. It's like that quote that is along the lines of "it's easier to raise a healthy child than it is to heal a broken adult." You would need a more preventative approach. By the time a person is a rapist or murderer, in most cases it's waaay too late. For starters, we need to make sure communities get enough funding and resources so that kids have a healthy outlet of expression. We need to have classes on parenting that are required. We need to deal with wealth inequality and meet people's basic needs so they don't feel compelled to meet those needs in an unconscious way that harms others. We need to make mental health care and just health care in general accessible, common, and destigmatized. We need to educate people and deal with system forms of oppressions on the basis of gender, race, sexual orientation, class etc. We need people to know and understand consent and have education around developing healthy relationships. We need to make all drugs legal as well as prostitution so that those can be regulated and people can speak out if they are being mistreated or they need help. I'm sure there is much more but it's a start.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career Ok first things first, I didn't give up on searching for my purpose or creating my dream career, I just found a lot of videos that talked about this and even though on the surface it contradicts what I'm trying to do, after watching these videos I found they actually align with my desire to find my purpose. In the previous post I talked about how creative people tend to get attached to outcome and I also mentioned that type A, super ambitious people can fall into that trap as well. In this post, I'll be exploring the later through a lot of videos that I found on my YouTube recommendations. I'm going to write out the main points and show my reflections on them. If you are searching for your life purpose, I think it's really valuable to watch these videos because again, even though it might seem like it's contracting your search for a purpose by the title, I think it reveals a lot of the traps that one might encounter when searching for a purpose. These are simply my key takeaways. I really like this because I feel that often when we talk about life purpose, we get this stage orange, success/career oriented view of purpose where our purpose revolves around what we do and produce. And while work has an element of that when it comes to purpose, I think it's good to have many different purposes in different areas of your life that align with what you value and resonate with. It also goes along with putting all of your eggs in one basket and having one thing rule your life which doesn't give you a rich multifaceted experience of life in my opinion, nor does it honor your complexity as a person or your human experience. I know the life purpose course has a whole section of figuring out your values and I honestly think that it's the most important part of the course because your values are what guides you towards your purpose or purposes. This resonated with me because a while back I was thinking about how you don't have to be special or exceptional to be deserving of love. This section also resonated with me because as I've been getting older, I have been feeling that anxiety of *oh shit I need to figure out what I'm doing in my life because or else I'm going to waste my life or worse die because I can't support myself.* I think coming from that place of anxiety and coming from a place of wanting this special or grandiose vision goes back to the whole attachment to outcome concept and that level of neuroticism from taking this whole finding your purpose thing so seriously can be counterproductive. And that's difficult to do when you keep being told that without this purpose that your life is going to be unfulfilling, a waste, or a failure. Finding your purpose is a purpose and it is my purpose for the time being and as much as my ambitious, type A side of my personality wants to come out and find my purpose as soon as possible, it can be a challenge to detach from that and focus on the journey instead of the destination of finding that purpose. Again, this goes back to the whole values thing and taking the time to enjoy the process of finding your purpose and having your values be the compass on your journey. I think this is where our culture often goes wrong when it comes to life purpose because of it's focus on career. Because there is an emphasis on picking a career rather than the process in which you pick a career, what you actually value, and whether or not it's coming from a healthy place. Especially when Lana talks about how she feels like she's living purposefully when she is writing, reading, having conversations with people, experiencing new things, and being led by a sense of curiosity, that really resonated with me. I think whenever we ask a child what they want to be when they grow up or when we conflate life purpose with career, we miss out on the smaller things that gives us a sense of purpose. And then goes back to the whole thing about creating a rich, multifaceted life instead of putting all of your eggs in one basket. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This goes along with the detaching from outcome piece because even if you do have a super profound life, you're still going to fade into oblivion with the test of time. It isn't the best strategy to want to make yourself significant through your life purpose. I think what's important about finding that flow state on whatever you're mastering is that that flow state puts you into that state of being. And that state of being feels natural instead of stressful because you aren't in that place of constant resistance. This also goes along with how you should unhook from money when it comes to searching for your life purpose. Over all, a large chunk of this video is about just letting yourself exist and be so that you can take in life and the human experience. She also talks about how there is so much relativity in our experience and how life looks to every person. As a result, that there is no way to do life wrong (this is around the 5 minute mark). I just really liked that point. It goes along with the notion of how your purpose is something that you construct rather than some absolute truth. I have mixed opinions on this section. I think that it's important to have a sense of separation from your career and that it doesn't rule your life or your sense of self. There is so much more to life and who you are than what you do to support yourself. It's ok to have passions and purposes on the side that give you a sense of fulfillment but aren't the thing supporting you. I talked about in my previous post on my feelings around monetizing my passions. Again, this thing goes back to the whole unhooking from money concept. My main critique about this section is that if you're going to be spending a significant amount of your life working, it's important to have something that you care about and that you feel contributes to the world. But I do think that isolating your life purpose to your career is rather limiting to say the least. I also really resonated with the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question as a kid. I remember one time when I was like 13 I was asked this question and I responded with something along the lines of "I want to be fulfilled, stable, and happy and I don't think there is any one way of achieving that." And the person asking me this question gave me the blankest expression as if I entered in data into a computer and it responded with ERROR NOT APPLICABLE as if this person, for a lack of a better way of describing it, started glitching. Then they asked me the question again and specified career choices and I said "listen, I don't know. I'm 13" to which this person responded with "you need to have some idea so you pick AP courses accordingly in high school so that you can apply to colleges and know what you're going to major in. The clock is ticking, you need to decide on a path." And then I sat there having an existential crisis. Basically the only thing that I came up with was this scene from Daria: Then this video goes into a more nihilistic direction of how our existence is a blip in time and that it really isn't that meaningful, significant, or purposeful. And the way that Sarah Hankinson talks about it is not in a depressing way rather on how the fact that we were allowed to exist in this short amount of time at all is a beautiful and remarkable thing. And our purpose is to simply experience life. That's it. This desire to have a purpose sometimes stems from the fear of death or wanting to have some type of legacy but you don't have to be important to hundreds or thousands of people to be valid. And I just really liked and resonated with that outlook. (there are a couple other videos I want to discuss but I'm tired lol. I'll write those posts down tomorrow)

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interests I feel like I haven't been writing as much ever since I found out that this is my ideal medium for my life purpose. I had to push myself to write the last couple full length posts and push through the resistance. I started asking myself why this resistance is there in the first place? I think when I put writing into this context of this ~~**grand life purpose**~~ or ~~**hero's journey**~~ part of me felt overwhelmed by it. I know with the whole hero's journey metaphor that there is a part where the hero gets a call to action but they don't want to take it even if it is exciting and fulfilling because they want to be in their cushy, comfortable lives. I think I resonate with this a little bit but I think a more important concept to consider is this thing called "detachment from outcome." Both the concepts of the hero's journey and detachment from outcome are discussed in the life purpose course. The hero's journey is the emotional and mythological framework behind the life purpose course. The hero is some naive person living in the ordinary world in a simple life and then something unusual presents itself to them. Then, the journey presents itself to them and they get a call to adventure. While it is exciting and interesting, it's also scary for the person because they don't want to leave the comfort of their mundane life. Then the call presents again usually because something dramatic happens. The hero gets cornered and with much resistance the hero gets on the journey to find the holy grail (or in this case achieve some type of long term goal). The hero faces a variety of obstacles and has to go into uncharted territory. Along the road they find a mentor that helps them but eventually they have to figure things out on their own. Eventually, the hero goes through the challenges and achieves their goal. But by now the challenges and the journey turned them into a different person and the meaning of their original goal changes. Then they bring back their holy grail and achievements back to their community and then becomes a mentor to help another hero in the future. Detachment from outcome is when you do have a calling in life but you don't take it too seriously because in the end nothing means anything and it all leads to the same place which is death. Your purpose isn't about where you end up rather it is about the journey, about how you grow, about how you enjoy yourself on the way there. Sometimes the problem with life purpose is that we take it too seriously and start acting in cringey ways or we treat people badly because we have a stick up our ass. You flow through life rather than imposing yourself on it. There is little to no resistance involved. The only thing that is guaranteed is doing your work and enjoying your work. The rest are just the icing on the cake. You shouldn't expect perks or rely on it. And detachment helps because when you are tense, anxious, neurotic, and competitive, you aren't producing your best work than if you were relaxed and enjoying the process. I think the concept that resonates with a person more is completely relative. For me personally, I found that detaching from the outcome is more important than having a grand compelling vision (even though I have one of those to a certain extent). Because I think the problem with only thinking about the hero's journey and following your bliss instead of balancing it out with detachment from outcome is that you can fall into the trap of fetishizing your interests rather than cultivating your passion. I find that a lot of creative people and type A, super ambitious people tend to fall into this trap more. First off with creative people, it's very easy for them to get into the flow of whatever creative outlet that they choose. Even though I didn't go into studying art in college, I know people who did and I found that they walk in with this sense of passion but then school sucks it out of them because then there is this pressure of deadlines and this sense of obligation. When there is that sense of obligation, you become attached to the outcome and it isn't something you intrinsically want to do rather it is something you *have to do*. I have some experience with this when I took studio art in high school. I enjoy drawing but when I was being graded on it, it took me out of that flow state. And my teacher was basically talking to us about when you have clients you have to be more perfectionistic in your class and produce exactly what they said (the fact that she was a harsh and rigid grader didn't help my sense of creativity if I'm going to be honest). And that's when I realized that maybe a creative field might not be for me. I don't think I'm super comfortable with monetizing my creative outlets. And if I am to do something creative, I really need to have another job that will take care of my expenses. Because first of all, I'm not about that starving artist life. Second and more importantly, I feel that when you put so much pressure on your craft to where it's your main source of livelihood (or worse an unstable source), that your survival instincts interfere with your ability to be creative because you're more worried about having a roof over your head rather than focusing on doing your best work. That's when you get attached to outcome. While monetizing your hobbies and interest can be a nice plus, I don't think focusing on the monetization aspect is the healthiest way of going about it. I don't think that life purpose is all about career or your job and thinking about life purpose in that way can lead to unhealthy consequences. (I'm going to do a whole post talking about the type A, super ambitious people and capitalism in the next post since this is getting rather long). Another problem that creatives sometimes run into is fetishizing their interests. I believe that there is a difference between having interests and having a passion. It's like comparing initial attraction to a stable long term relationship. At first with your interests you have this honeymoon phase where you are super enthusiastic and excited about what you're going to do. After that honeymoon phase is up, that's the real test of how long term this interest, whether it be for a creative venture or a partner, would last. I think with people who fetishize their interests or fetishize this idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, that they want the honeymoon phase to last forever and have that constant high, that the romanticize the process instead of seeing it for what it is and appreciate it even when it gets mundane and boring. Because if you are really passionate about an interest, romantic or otherwise, you won't need that constant titillations and you're ok when things get a little slow because there is an intrinsic motivation there apart from chasing excitement. Because from what I know about long term relationships (granted this knowledge comes from friends and things I've read so doing @ me lol) is that after a while of being with that person, it becomes kind of meh and routine but it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sure you need to look out for stagnation and signs of not trying anymore but there is something beautiful about being able to appreciate that stillness, being content, and just, well, being with your partner. I think it's the same with life purpose when it comes to detaching from outcome and being content and intrinsically motivated. I think there is something that is more sustainable in finding a passion that you are interested in and that lights up the spark in you but you see that passion as a tool to sharpen and as a craft to slowly master rather than romanticizing the craft. It's the difference between a firework that is exciting, loud, and unpredictable and that goes off in like 3 seconds and a slow burning fire that actually keeps you warm through the winter. I also think that the difference between interests and passions is the consistency you are able to cultivate, again like the slow burning fire. I was interested in writing but I didn't realize how passionate I was about it until I spent like a year on this journal, writing these pseudo blogposts on this forum, and cultivating my interest into something consistent. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn't expecting this. I started this journal out of fun and basically me shitposting my thoughts and I didn't think much of it. I believe that being detached from outcome and not taking this journal seriously was the reason why I was able to be consistent because I didn't feel like I had to force myself to do anything. I mean my first post was: I also really liked this post from a thread I made about a week back when I was questioning the medium to my life purpose. I thought about it quite often if I'm going to be honest. It really resonated with me. This is also a video that I find articulates my points above quite well:

Where Do I Want to Live When I Grow Up From a very young age I had an intuitive knowing that I didn't want to live in Texas my whole life. What are the odds that the place where I was born is the one that fits me and who I am fully? I also had this feeling about living in the U.S. as a whole especially when it came to patriotism. I didn't get the point of being proud of where I'm from because that's just where my soul happened to be dropped at by chance. It's not a conscious choice that I made so I don't see the point of claiming where I'm from as if it was my doing and a reflection of me. That's not to say that I don't have an appreciation of where I'm from and where I grew up. I'm simply not attached to it. And as a result, I always wondered where I belonged in the world literally as cliché as it sounds. I went to New York City a couple times, once when I was 8 and another time when I was 18. At both times, it felt more like home than where I grew up in. I found myself feeling this way in general with large cities. That is one of the clues I had as to where I wanted to live. It reflected a part of me at that time. But over the years I found that this part of me changed, that a large city is nice but it isn't necessary. I think the reason why I was drawn to cities were due to diversity, progressive values, and busyness. I still do value a sense of diversity and progressive values but I don't really care much for busyness or a fast paced life style. I'm not much of a house person, I very much prefer apartments and small living spaces (tiny houses are also cool). I find videos like these very satisfying: There is something about how a small space forces you to get creative and live a more minimalist and intentional lifestyle that speaks to me. I know I might sound crazy but part of me doesn't mind spending a lot of money on a tiny space. I get that I'm probably not getting my money's worth but if it lets me be more creative, resonates with me, and is near the places I like to hang out at, that's more than enough. Another thing that made me think of where I might want to live instead of assuming where I grew up being the default place is how my dad came to the U.S. and how this country fit him better on a personal level than Bangladesh ever did. My mom is the exact opposite. She doesn't like the U.S. as much and really prefers to go back to India. Consequently, I wondered what that place for me would be. As weird as it might sound, after finding Spiral Dynamics, all of this made more sense. My dad resonated with living in Texas and the U.S. in general because he is a mix between blue, a lot of orange, and a little bit of green. My mom resonates with India because she is VERY blue with some orange. I was attracted to bigger cities because for many years growing up I was at orange/green. And now that I'm in more green/yellow (I'm using yellow quite generously don't come for me lol), my idea of where I want to live is also evolving. Before finding SD, as a teenager I had this goal in mind to save up money, take time off to travel to a bunch of places, and eventually find a place to settle down at. Don't get me wrong, I still want to travel for the sake of experience but as for finding a place to settle down, I have narrowed down my sights more after finding SD. Personally, I feel that New Zealand fits me the best. This video sums things up pretty well and backs it up with data: Here are some important charts from the video: I went ahead and circled both New Zealand and the US so that they are easier to find in the chart below: I noticed that a lot of the better developed countries tend to be more green. I don't think we will get a yellow country for another couple hundred years so that's out of the question. I guess the best I can do is going for the greenest country possible. I would go with Sweden, Denmark and Norway, instead of New Zealand but as much as I hate to say, I'm going to be 100% honest with myself and say that it's unlikely that I will learn additional languages. Also, those countries are way too far north and even though I like the cold, my seasonal depression says No <3. I've also watched a bunch of videos on New Zealand because I've been looking into how to get there. I don't know much about New Zealand from experience but I have looked into a few things here and there. If there is anyone from New Zealand reading this and thinks I'm being fed with bs, I'm sorry if I sound delusional lol, please kindly correct me and give me a more realistic picture Pros: The Amazing Outdoors (Landscape and Wildlife) + Conservation Efforts: I've been getting into more outdoorsy things lately. I'm here for it. Lower Population- small community vibes, less traffic: I'm here for that. I know I mentioned that I like bigger cities but I'm also good with rural areas tbh. This also goes along with the outdoors, but one of my favorite places in the U.S. to drive by is Arkansas. I really like forests and small towns. They're really beautiful as long as you don't stop driving and as long as you ignore the Confederate flags lol. Easier to find a job because of lower population: Not sure how true this is but BET! Easy to start a business (registration)- it's common culture to start a business: I don't think this is applicable for me at this moment but I guess it's nice to know. Not sure on how it measures up to the U.S. Healthcare: SIGN ME TF UP!!!! Laid back, slow paced life style (can also be a con): I mean, I'm here for it. Work life balance: This is something that is super important to me. Pretty much every source I've seen tells me that New Zealand has a good work life balance and prioritizes it because they understand that letting your employees have a life important for businesses to run effectively and that working them to the bone doesn't help anyone. And I really appreciate the basic understanding. Fairly diverse (as far as nationalities go): I had to add that in parenthesis because lets be real as far as racial diversity goes, New Zealand isn't about to beat the U.S. But yeah I'm here for the diversity. Safe/ low crime rate: I searched up the crime rate and apparently it's similar to that of the U.S. but as far as violent crime is considered, it is lower. Easy to travel given you have a car (road trips are easy to do): Honestly bet! I love road trips. Cons: Expensive (little competition, most things are imported): Actually something I'm worried about Housing shortage and high rental prices: Actually something I'm worried about Far away from other countries so if you want to travel it's going to be expensive and time consuming: This seems like a legit con but at the same time, (this is going to sound awful) I think I can use this as an excuse to not visit my toxic family super regularly. Weather changes a lot: I swear whenever I travel somewhere, there is always that one person that says something along the lines of iF yOU don'T lIKe thE weATHEr JuSt WaIT 5 mInUTes. So as a result, I don't really take this seriously. Yeah the weather is more unpredictable and is getting more extreme. It's not limited to one place. It's climate change. We're all in this together *cue the highschool musical sound track* You need a car: While I do prefer public transport for environmental reasons and so that I can walk anywhere without worrying about a car, driving everywhere is something that I'm used to because I lived in Texas my whole life. City life is kind of basic (not so many shopping places, night life etc.): And that's perfectly all right with me. I'm more so into cities for their diversity and their progressive attitudes rather than for getting lit or going shopping. Consumer laws aren't that good and neither is customer service: This seems more like an inconvenience rather than an actual problem. But then again, I'm not a Karen so I think I should be ok lol. Internet coverage isn't the best mainly in rural areas: I mean, I don't see myself living in a super rural area if when I do make the move (hey, I gotta stay manifesting lol) Heating and insulation in houses aren't the best: I searched up the climate here and it seems tamer than Dallas. I've also lived in places where heating and insulation isn't the best and that has similar winters to New Zealand so I don't think this would be that much of an adjustment to be honest. Earthquakes: I guess part of me isn't afraid of earthquakes that much mainly out of the ignorance of not experiencing them. But at the same time, New Zealand also apparently has the infrastructure to deal with this so that's good. Overall, I think my main selling points is the work culture, the better labor laws, and health care. The quality of life compared to the U.S. seems so much better. My friends and I used to joke how New Zealand is like one of the goody two shoes countries that has their shit together and minds their own business along with the Nordic countries. Meanwhile, the U.S. is like the loud hot cheeto girl in high school who has an inflated ego and goes around telling people how "real" they are when really they do nothing but get into other people's business and start fights at 8am in the morning while being a complete utter mess herself. And consequently, people are afraid of her and try to stay on her good side. And speaking of which, this is petty and idealistic, but I don't want my tax dollars funding the U.S. military and it's war crimes when really that money could be spent making other areas of life better for all of us.

I've been writing for a while and pretty consistently. It's very easy for me to get into the flow state and it rarely feels like work. But I can't say that I think writing is something I see as special, magical and fascinating. Writing isn't on a pedestal for me. It's something that feels natural yet, it is still enjoyable. I guess I'm familiar with the drudgery that can come with writing but it doesn't bother me because again, I enjoy it. Is this how it's supposed to be or should I try to find a better medium that I find more exciting? Am I settling if I go with writing? I'm also hesitant with the sentiment that I need to find something that is "more exciting" because, isn't it supposed to be the case that what ever you decide your life purpose is, that it isn't going to give constant highs? (*also side note, there is a part of me that doesn't want to consider writing as my medium because it feels too obvious, basic, and simply the easy way out of finding my actual medium)

That makes much more sense thank you. I do have a general idea of what I would like to explore more of in my writing. I know a lot of people like this and for the longest time I thought that I wasn't into writing or that I wasn't good at it because I wasn't going about writing in the same way or in a similar style.

Videos That Make Me Laugh The "Mr Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of it's features" killed me lol I had a Barbie phase when I was around 4-7 and I remember watching a lot of the movies. I don't remember the plots to the movies but recently I got recommended a bunch of Barbie out of context videos. It unlocked a bunch of memories lmao. Honestly, wtf was I watching This Prager U kids video reminded me of some of the propaganda books that Rush Limbaugh made for kids that basically glossed over the human rights abuses of colonialism and romanticized the 1700s and 1800s. My uncle was a fan of Rush Limbaugh and his whole radio show and he tried to get me into it but he gave me one of the propaganda books when I was 13ish so I guess it was too late for me to be indoctrinated. That book was really weird from what I remembered. I remember stumbling onto Spirit Science's channel back in 2012 or so when I was just getting into things like chakras and meditation. They had this whole conspiracy theory of what human history actually is and that shit was wild. I remember finding it entertaining back then but also thinking it was insane. I just found out that Vaush made a video on it and I noticed some of the right wing ideology that sometimes seeps into spirituality/ what some spiritual people believe and it was nice to see Vaush acknowledge that. Also it was fucking hilarious to watch him lose his shit on how insane this was lol. These videos aren't anything new but they always crack me up. The comments under the Bratz video kills me. The Alex Jones remix was how I first found out about him lol.

By that I guess you're asking what other mediums are on the table? Well.. I enjoy talking to people, giving advice, creating art whether it's in the form of digital art or paintings (though I haven't done that in a while). I also enjoy analyzing different things in society and human behavior in general. To have more clues about what my life purpose is and how I should design it in a way that lets me pursue it. I've been doubting for the last couple months. I'm analyzing human behaviors and the way the relate to societal systems and social issues. It can be in the form of reflecting where I analyze my own life by journaling. It can be in the form of analyzing the behaviors of others where I write about my observations and interpretations. Or sometimes I'm simply in my own world dealing with different perspectives. I'm open to exploring different mediums and while writing is fulfilling for me, there is a part of me that is afraid that I'm just going with a predefined option if that makes sense. I do have my own style of writing and I'm sure if I work at it more I can find a niche. And I'm willing to have that type of patience. I don't think this is stopping my life purpose but that's because I have a vague idea of what my life purpose is. I think writing is aligned with that direction but I'm still lost at finding the most effective way to get to my life purpose. Consider this as me asking for directions or some concilation of whether or not I'm headed in the right direction lol

Life Purpose Limiting Beliefs I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people who are dissatisfied with their jobs and miserable with their existence and that makes me wonder if trying to find a life purpose is worth it or is even possible. And I don't look down on anyone who is dissatisfied with their work. It's something people have to do in order to survive under capitalism and it can be daunting, or in some cases very difficult to find another job or career due to things like lack of time, lack of resources, how difficult it can be to get an education, and the fear of going homeless and hungry. Systemically, the world isn't set up for you to find fulfilling work and pursue your passions. And not only can it be difficult to figure out what you want to pursue and what you find fulfilling, but it feels like you are working upstream. I try not to listen to people like that. I have a mindset of if I want to achieve something, I'm going to talk to and take advice from someone who actually achieved said thing than listen to someone who doesn't have experience in what I'm trying to do. But yeah... Mentally and emotionally I'm going in on another anti-capitalist spiral where it feels like I'm never going to leave my home town and I'm destined to be in a crappy job in a toxic workplace that is unfulfilling, doesn't pay enough, and detracts from my life expectancy because of the amount of stress I'm going to experience because the people on top want to protect their earnings instead of caring about their workers. It's the reality for many people and I'm afraid of falling into that bunch even if I try to do everything to not end up like that. But this also motivates me to find my life purpose sooner so that I don't end up as a wage slave. I have an attitude from when I was little because of my issues with incompetent authorities (basically my parents who didn't do the greatest job raising me so I had to figure shit out on my own), that if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. If I want to be in a healthy work environment, I have to make that environment myself by being self employed because I can trust myself to care about my values, needs, and health while I can't trust a supervisor or manager to do the same. I'm pretty sure if I can figure out my life purpose that I won't be exploiting my own labor. If I want an ethical business, I have to make one myself because other people won't do a good job on this type of thing and would want to cut corners. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't trust offloading responsibilities onto others because of the systems society has created over the years. At the very least, I just want to have rights and feel like I can advocate for them without the threat of losing my job and becoming homeless. And I hate on how this is so survival motivated rather than focusing on how to create meaningful work so that people can do what they like and contribute to a greater cause. What maybe wage slavery for me can be immensely fulfilling and meaningful for someone who is genuinely interested in that job and vice versa. But it's difficult to act from that authenticity because of survival hanging over our heads which I'd say contributes to less contribution and less productivity in the world at large. If we had something like a universal basic income, health care for all, guaranteed housing, accessible and quality education, we could all have a say of what we actually want to do with our lives. We wouldn't have to stay in dead end jobs that treat people like trash and therefore would have more leverage. Instead, employers would have to work to create a quality and healthy workplace so that people would work there because they want to not because their survival depends on it and that can also lead to more democracy in the work place. Apparently there is a phenomenon happening in the U.S. because the minimum wage is so low to where people don't see the point on going back to work now that the pandemic is dying down because they are getting a better quality of life from government programs. There are some saying that these government programs should be cut so that people have the survival instinct to go back to work and that "people don't want to work anymore because they are lazy." There are also people on the other side that are saying things along the lines of "it's not that people don't want to work, it's that people don't want to work for YOU because you create a bad work place and pay shit wages." People are willing to work even if their ass isn't on the line or if they aren't going to make that much profit. Why else do people have hobbies they put their time and energy into? If people do something they genuinely enjoy and find fulfilling and they aren't punished with instability for choosing a path that lets them do that, they would choose that path. People aren't inherently these lazy slobs that would watch Netflix all day. The system is designed in a way that incentivizes that type of behavior because the last thing you want to do after an exhausting job is to work on things you are passionate about because at that point you're burnt out and have a horrible association with work or anything that requires more energy. At that point, you just want to zone tf out and do something unconscious to escape the existential dread that comes with that whole thing so you can cope with doing the same shit again the next day because the alternative is not sustaining yourself. I know all of this sounds super idealistic and like a pipe dream that I need to give up on but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the world the way it is today, doesn't have to be that way. It is that way for a variety of different factors but it doesn't have to. This is a man made problem and we can make a solution for it. I love how this video discusses the issues with moralizing and how it's antisystem thinking. It also talks about how conservatives tend to think in binaries where either a tragedy happens or it doesn't and how thinking in this binary doesn't leave any room for looking at how often something happens and to what degree. It's the mentality of if we can't regulate all evil, what's the point on helping the situation at all. I've talked to conservatives about a ton of issues and the insights in this video shed light on the general view of the world they have to lead them to think this way. I catch myself falling into the same trap as conservatives as times. I have thought about moving to New Zealand from the U.S. because that country (along with many other industrialized nations) makes the U.S. look like a capitalistic hellscape. There is a part of me that says "What's the point of even trying to move to New Zealand? They still have many of the same problems the U.S. has. You aren't going to be able to run away from the issues capitalism causes. They have a high cost of living and they have a housing crisis. What's the point of doing all the hard work to get there and get a visa?" Like the conservatives that I've talked about previously, this is a form of binary thinking where either something happens or it doesn't. Yes, issues caused by capitalism still happens in New Zealand but they still have better labor laws, more regulations, and less corruption and corporate bribing compared to the U.S. They might not regulate all evil, but they are making more moves to help the situation whereas the U.S. is in a standstill when it comes to social progress with conservatives being blue/orange and liberals being orange/green. I don't see New Zealand as some type of utopia (though I might joke about given the state the U.S. is in right now) but I do think the place is something that I can work with more. There are a lot of things that I could say about this video but I thought I'd include a couple sections that really resonated with me as it relates to my post today: 5:43- 7:02: "A conservative will generally agree with you about what the ills of society are: bigotry, violence, disease, oppression, poverty. But they don't view them as problems to be solved. They are facts of life. Of course racism is terrible....but it's a Monday. Trying to fight racism is like trying to fight the first law of motion. The only reason to talk about it is to commiserate. Besides, if we didn't have bad white people, how would we know we're the good ones?" Morality to them isn't about fighting evil, it's about a set of shared opinions of what evil is. When bad things happen, we sit around agreeing they are bad and anyone who says otherwise, we excommunicate. That's what talking about tragedy is for. And I think it's why they get mad at us when we "politicize tragedies". As in when yet another shooting happens, we talk about what we can be done to prevent them. It's not just that they refuse to do anything about the problem, though it is definitely that, it's that we aren't participating in the ritual of "thoughts and prayers." It's how we perform our morals after a crisis. How do they know where we stand if we don't participate. If evil can't be regulated, but we're saying guns can... are we saying the shooting wasn't evil?" I'm sure most people will agree that Mondays suck and work is awful. It can seem like a fact of life since this is normalized and therefore we are desensitized to REALLY how messed up this is. We can talk all day about how annoying it is to have to work a job you hate in order to exist but as soon as someone says we should have universal health care and we shouldn't have to rely on our jobs for that, then you are an idealistic socialist who doesn't understand how the world works. And by not understanding how the world works, they mean that you aren't desensitized in the same way they are to where you think it's simply a fact of life and that you still think this thing can be solved. 13:29-the end: "Humanity as we know it existence as a defiance of nature. Every forms of bigotry, every forms of oppression is a thing we created. They are human problems and they have human solutions. They have not always existed and there are places in the world where they are being addressed. And the idea that the worst things on earth have no great significance, and that most evil is a chaotic mess born from human fallibility can be very depressing to consider. It can also be empowering. This is a secular view. It can be reconciled with spirituality but not with reactionary fundamentalism which is the point. And it can be kind of baffling to assert that when bad things happen maybe we should do something about it. But you just can't take for granted that when someone agrees a thing is bad, they are agreeing it's a problem. But if you cross that hurdle, again, not with the people spewing bullshit but with the people they are trying to convince, you may find that incrementalism still doesn't do anything for them. They may long for something more dramatic and frankly a lot of us feel the same. So maybe that's a gateway into talking about deeper change because we don't need to be as gods to turn the world inside out." Something that I think about while I study various issues in the world is that the solutions are there. They have already been found. The difficult part is implementing those solutions. I'm specifically talking about when it comes to convincing people who are systemically incentivized to do awful things in the top to stop and organize the system in a way that helps everyone, not just the few, have a better quality of life. Fighting through the self interest of those at top and dealing with the issues of their development in consciousness is a bitch.

Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 2 Common themes I noticed: Dealing with people Writing Being in my head Business and entrepreneurship What do these themes mean to me: Dealing with people: I connect with people, empathize with them, empower them, and evaluate systems that explain human behavior. Meaningful conversations and deepening connections Caring about social causes Wealth inequality Access to health care and education Intersectional feminism Social sciences: psychology, anthropology, sociology, history, political science Self-development Giving advice Spirituality Dealing with different cultures and perspectives Writing: I analyze different topics I’m interested in. I can creatively express myself. I enjoy learning and feeling genuinely educated and I express that in my writing. Creative self-expression Self-development Learning and exploring my interests Analyzing those interests Communicating with others effectively Reading and exploring different cultures and perspectives Being in my thoughts: I get to have a rich inner world to deepen my understanding of reality and keep myself creative. This also means I have peace of mind and balance internally. Meditating and contemplating Being alone for long periods of time Caring about psychology and mental health Self-development Analyzing things Spirituality Travelling Creativity, critical thinking, self-awareness Existential crisis Downtime/ free schedule Business and Entrepreneurship: To me this means being independent (emotionally and financially) along with caring about workplace issues Being self employed Wealth inequality Fairness in the workplace Limits of capitalism Work life balance Personal finance Management Vision Productivity Financial freedom Being organized Self-development Overlapping things and things that stick out to me as important for me to consider for a future career: Self-development: I need to be growing as a person and learning in my work continuously Self-employed: Enables me to have creative control, freedom, flexibility, and knowing I have good management. If I want to do something right, I must do most of it myself. Creativity/ Creative freedom: This is how I express my authenticity. I don’t want to be in a competitive, stressful, fast paced environment with a ton of red tape. I want to care about the people around me and mind my own business so I can focus on creating Caring about people individually AND systemically: caring about social issues and systemic change along with empathizing with individuals. I’m doing things and implementing solutions hands on instead of just theorizing. Analyzing and contemplating: I like to have a role where I must think critically and deeply Having time to myself and having work life balance: I want to have enough down time to enjoy other areas of life, contemplate/meditate, and take care of myself in general. Again, I don’t want to have a career that is stressful and takes over my life. Exploring, researching, and dealing with multiple perspectives: Like analyzing and contemplating but also going out, finding sources, and getting my hands dirty Spirituality: I want to deal with people in a moral way and have my work grow me into a better person. I want to have a positive sense of contribution