soos_mite_ah

Thought this video was interesting and was wondering what yall's thoughts are

I'm mainly posting this to vent and share my experience. I'm currently taking a public speaking/ business communication course in college. My college is incredibly stage orange and you will get labelled as a leftist nutcase if people sense that you are even slightly left of center. This class requires me to present a persuasive presentation. Some topics to choose from include persuade the class to invest in a particular stock or investment, persuade people to donate to a nonprofit, sell a novel product idea, or introduce a new way of doing business that will yield to profits. Today, I chose violence. I walked into class at 9 am in the morning in a room full of conservative finance bros and gave a presentation on the importance of workers rights and fair wages/compensation. I started my presentation and I immediately saw a bunch of eye rolls and people who were staring me down. I hesitated and messed up in this presentation intro by taking a long pause in the beginning. My mind went blank and I had to recollect my thoughts. I couldn't spell my words out. Then I got in the presentation and everything flowed through well. I did well in the question and answer period but I feel so embarrassed and mortified. There was a guy who went after I presented who talked about investing in cypto and this man started his presentation talking about how he loved making money and that he doesn't like losing in any aspect of life, whether it be in competition or in investments. He said something along the lines of how he doesn't like to lose and his motivations and stared me tf down. This guy has connections in big oil (I'm talking his dad and brother has high positions in Exxon Mobil), been trading stocks since he was 12 and has 3 million dollars in stock investments. I know I probably didn't do too well as far as my grade goes in this presentation. But I am proud of how I got out there and advocated for what I believed in. There are many times where I chose not to express my opinions and values in the business school because I knew it wasn't going to be well received. Sometimes, this was rooted in knowing that nothing productive will come from picking fights. But sometimes it's rooted in the fear of being labelled as "that" person. "That": person who is idealistic and naive. "That" person who creates awkward political conversations to make people uncomfortable. "That" person who is dogmatic and crazy. This was incredibly vulnerable for me and it was nerve wrecking to prepare for. I was walking into a room filled with people who would probably hate me if they got to know me better during a time where politically we are divided and are ready to throw hands at people who disagree. Before this presentation, I have been feeling anxious for the last few days. I threw up earlier this morning because my anxiety gives me stomach issues. I still feel a little jittery while writing this even though it's been an hour since I presented. I'm just glad that the presentation is over tbh. I don't even care about the grade any more and I'm just trying to take care of myself and acknowledged that even if I didn't do well, I did get outside of my comfort zone, was vulnerable, and spoke up about something that I really care about despite being in a social position to do otherwise.

Not sure what section this falls under so here goes nothing lol. First, a little background: I found myself relying on things like astrology and tarot to give myself a sense of certainty and predictability during the pandemic. While I don't believe in either completely, these do serve as a coping mechanism that helps me sleep at night. Also, there is this guy that I like. I have no intention on pursuing him for various reasons but I do think about him a lot and make up romantic scenarios in my head. I do this much more often than I care on admitting. I most definitely use the idea of him as a coping mechanism and whenever I feel down, I try to imagine him telling me exactly what I need to hear and cuddling next to him even though this is all technically me soothing myself and this is me incorporating positive self talk. I told my therapist about all of this and she more or less told me that none of these things are problematic and that I'm going about it in a healthy way. But I still feel like I'm using the idea of this guy, astrology, and tarot as these psychological safety blankets to get through my current life and I do not like that. I think my therapist is trying to point me towards the direction of accepting this somewhat embarrassing part of myself so that it's a non issue while I'm here feeling like she's encouraging behaviors that I'm trying to get rid of. Should I take my therapist's point of view and stop worrying about my weird coping mechanisms since they aren't harming me or other people? Or should I make an effort to get over my psychological safety blanket on my own?

I'm currently in the mood for something that starts off as really giggly, innocent and playful. I'm talking kisses on the cheek and forehead, cuddling, tickling each other, nuzzling, wrestling, holding each other, running finders through each others hair, kissing each others hands etc. And then when I'm bright red that's when things take a sexier turn.

Emotional To Do List: Deal with imposter syndrome and general limiting beliefs around self confidence Deal with dormant doomer spirals make time to work out (start when spring semester starts) Take care of yourself so you don't burn yourself out (burn out is the last thing I need right now) (This is an ongoing thing for now and the future)

Logistical To Do List Bolded Items are things to focus on right now for the next 2 months Figure out what you're going to do regarding study abroad, your foreign language requirement, and your graduation date and the implications around those decisions Meet with the study abroad office (1 appointment) Language Oral Proficiency Tests (1-2 appointments) Meet with career center to discuss resumes and study abroad (2-3 appointments) Get a hair cut and buy some clothes because your things are getting worn out and you look a mess lol. Line up a job or at the very least narrow down your career path for after graduation (again, doesn't have to be something you're super passionate about or that is aligned with your purpose but it needs to be something that has enough money to be financially stable, enough benefits so you feel like you have peace of mind, and relatively chill so you have a moment of stability) Get a job on campus or near school to get the money to pay for a deposit for a future apartment after graduating, potentially moving out of the country, or just for savings in general. (figure things out by seeing how spring semester goes as far as course load is considered) See if you can get a research fellowship by applying in the spring (work on maybe during winter break) Hopefully have some plans to travel on your own (whether that be study abroad or right after graduating) (keep in the back of your mind) Maintain the friendships you have and go out and make new ones if that's how things work out. Check in with yourself at the following times: Right before spring semester starts (so around Jan 15) March 15 2022 May 2022

After writing out the last couple of posts and gaging where I'm at so far, I just wanted to say that I had no idea that I was making this much progress since August. I especially had no idea I was making so much progress since when I first made this journal. Granted I guess you could say some of it is a cop out because they turned out to be nonissues but even then, I've done and grown a lot. I'm not trying to hype myself up but I do think that acknowledging what I have done and am doing is a very important part of me knowing where I'm at and therefore knowing what kind of action is appropriate for me so I don't end up hyper-focusing on something and creating problems. But yeah, I've come a long way. And I'm getting my shit together slowly but surely.

Yeah most definitely. Having a similar understanding of goals can prevent a lot of miscommunication and avoid being misdirected in a place that isn't productive for you to go on. Tbh I was a little annoyed too when she said that it didn't sound like I had a problem when I thought I was very clearly neurotic. I was sitting there for a couple minutes thinking "Is this lady enabling my neurosis? Is she even the right therapist I should go to with this particular issue?" I guess whether it is good or bad news, in the end of the day we always want people and our realities to reaffirm what we were already thinking. And this can manifest in both a good and a bad way. Good in the way that validating our thoughts and feelings can help us surrender to experience and process what we are going through while feeling supported. Bad in the way that this type of thinking can lead people into echo chamber or the trap of masochistic epistemology where they keep feeding themselves self deprecating information to reaffirm their beliefs as absolute truth. So basically, don't pick at it or actively work against it to resolve it because that might lead to more problems. It will go away naturally when you are no longer in the place to need the anchor. That's what I'm getting at by reading this comment and a few others on this thread.

The first part (1-3) are things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (4-6) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (7-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it).

Update: It's been a couple days since that incident and I'm also in a group project with the guy who stared me down. I went to this meeting for this group project and acted like nothing happened because I figured that it's only going to be awkward if I made it awkward. I don't feel anxious any more but I will say that I'm not looking forward to seeing my grade on this presentation and that I'm concerned about how that will impact things at the end of the semester. I feel kind of stressed tbh.

@Carl-Richard I am planning on bringing it up during our next session but I also wanted to do some introspection before then to see what my biases are and understand exactly where I'm coming from so I can communicate this better. @mandyjw @LordFall so what I'm getting at is that a healthy level of delusion is alright so long as you're aware that it's delusion lmao ? I guess my thing with why I want to get rid of this psychological safety blanket so to say is because I know that it isn't directly aligned with the truth. I'm afraid that because there is that misalignment that this can get come in between me and my growth in the future (similar to how I guess some super religious people, though them practicing religion isn't to the point where it's hurting anyone, it still holds them back from fully integrating future stages of development). Some biases/ blind spots I might be having: Maybe this is my spiritual ego talking and wanting always align with the truth? Maybe this is my previous judgements of religion coming out from my days of being a raging atheist years ago even though I no longer identify in that way (and haven't for years)? Maybe this is me putting too much pressure on being competent and self assured in the face of uncertainty and chaos before actually being ready to do so? Or maybe this desire to hold on to my coping mechanisms are simply a way to avoid the reality of chaos?

EDIT: I also want to add a note for myself that I have been doing a lot especially given how October has a drain on my psyche. Even though I didn't accomplish as much as I hoped to do so, I do want to acknowledge how much work I have done in terms of taking care of myself physically and emotionally during this time. I've also been sick on and off for the last month because sometimes my anxiety and depression takes things out on me physically so there is that as well. EDIT 2: I decided to cross out number 4 and 8 after having a thread on this forum and a few conversations with my therapist. I think it's pretty much a nonissue (that's why it's in gray) and worrying about "solving" this won't really help me much, both in terms of getting over this, as well as my current mental state. The thread in question:

There are plenty of women who are looking to have casual sex. The main thing is that you be honest with your intentions and don't promise anything you can't deliver. If she says otherwise, respect both her boundaries and your needs, walk away, and don't take things personally. That's all it really takes to be ethical.

I know these aren't super spiritual but these are just small examples. Social Media and YouTube I used to watch that shit constantly and then one day I just got tired of it. So now, my ig and sc are lurk accounts that I occasionally check up on and I only watch youtube like once a week. Most games on my phone For some reason, I get really addicted to playing games on my phone. And in those times, I basically spend a couple of days playing the same game for hours on end until I'm so tired of the game to where I'm over it. Junk Food A lot of this has to do with how people approach intuitive eating. Basically, that's when you let yourself eat whatever you want without judgement. The without judgement part is crucial because doing so helps you heal any unhealthy attitudes you may have of food (this method is often used to help people heal damaged metabolisms as well as eating disorders) and get rid of the novelty behind the so called "guilty pleasures." Then, at some point, you just stop caring about junk food and you find yourself gravitating towards healthy food in the first place. Alcohol Granted, I didn't have a lot of karma in this area but I had one bad experience and I was like *that's it, I'm done.* I know people joke about how everyone says that but then they go back and do it again but so far that hasn't happened. I've stayed true to that claim. Chasing Success and Recognition I feel like my life was built up in a way that enabled me to burn through this really soon. My parents pushed this on to me since I was a child and while I do benefit from it a lot, growing up I recognized the limitations early on. But at this point I'm mostly over it. Being the therapist friend I wanted to see what it would be like if I poured my therapist, advice giving tendencies onto this site. I did that for a few months and I feel like I don't do this as much irl anymore and this has helped me create healthier relationships.

How did that go for you? And, yeah I wonder how much of a difference going to school in somewhere like Norway would be like compared to where I'm at now lol

I have experience with being asexual and I have identified as such at one point (it's a long story). I have written about this a lot in my journal because I feel like my asexuality has greatly impacted the way I see the nuances of sex even though I no longer identify as asexual. Here are a couple posts that I really recommend checking out for anyone interested:

@SonataAllegro I'd rather not get super specific since I want to keep a sense of anonymity but I will say that it's a private university in Texas.

He bragged about working nonstop for a decade straight where he didn't take any breaks, any time off, or any time to spend with this friends and family. That is neurotic af. A lot of it is likely very surface level marketing. He is on the record of saying how being marginalized and poor is a great advantage and how people just need to be grateful and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. He is so deeply entrenched in hustle culture to where he doesn't see how marginalized people are at a disadvantage because rich kids with trust funds have an existential crisis. There is little to no green in his message.

bump

If I were you I would try to lean into my feminine side more and try to emotionally support her through this by being empathetic and communicating both what is going on with you, but also what she's emotionally going through. And then you need to find a way to get both of those needs met. Relationships are usually 50-50 but sometimes they might lean a little one way or another for a time being because everyone needs help every now and then.

I mean, people are complex beings and no man is a 100% masculine and no woman is a 100% feminine. And expecting her to be feminine all the time only embrace one side of her is pretty demeaning imo because then you aren't really seeing her as a whole person. She has a masculine side and deserves to be able to embrace it, just like you have your feminine side and you deserve to embrace that as well in order to be a well integrated person. It might be part of a phase where she is encountering a situation where she needs embrace one part of herself over another or maybe this is a side to her that wasn't being acknowledged or discovered in the past.

This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment with psychedelics. I know this might seem like a lot (or perfectly reasonable) but since I'm waiting til I'm 25 to do psychedelics, I want to make sure I can do as much as I can between now and then to have a high quality trip. Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: No anxiety attacks no depressive episodes healthy habits are in place exercising regularly be mindful of the content you consume Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way: can financially support myself without being anxious about money in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development Exhaust stage green tendencies Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages Continue quality self education after college Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for at least a year familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated (don't want to deal with jail time or any complications that can arise in an uncontrolled environment) What do you guys think? Is there anything else that I should add to the list? Is there anything that seems a little much?

So going forward should I keep theory to a minimum and take precautions to work on myself until I feel like I'm ready for direct experience? Maybe instead of looking into theory before, I should look at it later on after I have my own experience to go off of and can resonate with different traditions and see what makes sense to me(so that the exploration of different ideas comes from a place of resonance rather that me outsourcing experience to other sources)? I guess this was miscommunication on my part. I normally associate studying with exploring different points of view and I suppose your definition of sharing experiences. I would consider myself at the very beginning (as in barely scratching the surface) of the spiritual process as it relates to things like nonduality and mysticism. I'm guessing you think that I'm over thinking all of this ?