soos_mite_ah

My Dream Life Style I think I'm living pretty close to what my dream day to day lifestyle is. I have a job that I'm relatively good at and that doesn't stress me out too badly. It might not be my life purpose or passion in life but I do like the feeling of being productive, having goals to hit, and getting into a flow state here and there. I have a small studio apartment that I have decorated in a away that makes me really happy. I have comfortable clothes that suit my life style and a couple of outfits that I like wearing to express myself. I hang out with my friends a couple times a week and see my boyfriend a couple times a week. I volunteer at a school and a pet shelter. I spend time in self education even if it's just youtube video essays. I work out, listen to music and dance alone, and draw for fun. I am in therapy and I have figured out a lot of the big things in my life that have been bothering me. I know how to make my favorite meals and I don't completely dread cooking lol. I can go out to eat to the extent I want to without worrying about money and I really enjoy the food that I eat. I have a good relationship with food and eat relatively healthy without it feeling like a chore. I like curling up in my duvet covers or under my weighted blanket at night. I like burning candles and doing my little skincare routine. I love taking long or quick showers and baths especially when you get that feeling after the shower where you're shaved, exfoliated, and moisturized. I could keep going but basically I feel relatively happy and at peace about my life on a day to day basis and I feel like I'm at a state of being a lot of the time when it comes to some of the things I listed above. However, while this is a really good life imo, I wouldn't exactly say I'm living my dreams. I still think I have a few materialistic things to burn through and lifestyle additions I want to make. The Small Stuff: Getting hair cuts 2-3x a year: I got my hair cut and I honestly feel so good about myself since whether my hair is or isn't styled. I know I feel uncomfortable spending like $150 on a hair cut since I'm used to doing it for free by myself, but I honestly think it's worth it given the style I got and given that it always looks good without me having to worry about it. I know it's not a necessity, but this has been nice. Taking myself out to a nice dinner like 2-3 x a year: I don't want this to be a super frequent thing since I feel like it would take away from the specialness of it all but I think every now and then I want to go to a nice place by myself without it being a special occasion. I think spending between 50-100 wouldn't take a hit to my finances in the grand scheme of things. And as I'm thinking about this, I think for me to not be super cheap and restrictive, it would be a good idea for me to have a day to day budget that I check monthly, which I already have, but also another yearly budget/allowance for things like this. Going on a trip internationally or domestically: This is something that I can definitely afford but I feel like given my relationship to money, I have to consciously remind myself to prioritize it even though this is something that I genuinely enjoy and get a lot of fulfillment from. But it's like even though this is something that I care about, I think it can get hard for me to prioritize since I can get caught up in a *Save Save Save!* mindset and I don't want it to get to a point where I end up prioritizing saving a little money in terms of my life style over actually enjoying and living life and enjoying the fruits of my labor. The reason why I put this in the small stuff is because rather this being something I can't afford, it's more of a mindset thing I'm working on. The Big Stuff: Living in a walkable area in a nice-ish apartment: I want to live in a place that has good public transport and is walkable. Not only do I think it's good for me in a physical health standpoint because exercise is more interwoven into your lifestyle compared to having time you need to set apart for going to the gym specifically, but also I don't like driving all that much. I also want to live in a place with more third spaces and have more opportunities to meet people organically. But also, while I'm not super high maintenance, I don't want to live in a 100 sqft apartment in NYC with rats and roaches. My apartment currently is about 600 sqft which I feel like is perfect for me and if I were to live with a romantic partner. It also has an in unit washer and dryer and no bug problems. And I just want to be able to comfortably afford that same standard of living in a walkable city. Have a career that is aligned with my life purpose: I think this would also be a really good way to improve my life on a day to day basis to where I am living my dream life in addition to living in an apartment in a walkable city. While work isn't anything unbearable for me, I do feel like I'm always slightly annoyed during my working hours because deep down inside I don't care about this and I'm just counting down to the end of the day when I can go back to living my actual life. And while that isn't bad considering that I have good pay and good work life balance, I feel like addressing this sort of fragmentation would contribute to my overall happiness exponentially. ---------------------------------------- While I have explained that in my daty to day life I'm pretty happy, I feel like I have a handful of future oriented boogey mans in the corner. I try my best to stay present and really take in everything I'm blessed with, but these are just things that are in the back of my mind that sometimes keeps me up at night. I usually try to take Eckhart Tolle's advice from the Power of Now, but sometimes I stray from that lol. The boogey mans include: Affording grad school or taking a pay cut when transitioning to a career that is more aligned with my life purpose Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years (also this is an existenatial crisis of it's own since I'm not even sure if this is something I want) Affording to buy a house or apartment without panicking about the monthly payment in like a decade or so. I just wanted to acknowledge these concerns even though I feel like the reason why I was writing this stuff out is to think about my day to day life and what I have to be greatful for and a few things that would materially satisfy me on the day to day. I think sometimes when I think of my phase of more materialistic self help I can get a little overwhelmed by how much shit costs without being totally mindful on the fact that I'm already living a great life that is close to my dream life and in some cases I need a few tweeks here and there. Like while I'm able to really be present and enjoy my life a good chunk of the time, it's just that given the times, I'm still nervous about what the future holds and if I can continue with the standard of living I have for myself now.

But also, the past SUCKS All of that said, the past also pisses me the fuck off. I feel like the place that gets me the most riled up is the film industry. I get that there were a lot of classic movies from the 80s to the 2000s but I'm so tired of seeing remakes and sequals. I feel like this is the main reason why I don't care about movies like that unless something new and interesting comes out. Like I was so excited to see Barbie and Oppenheimer and while those were pretty good, part of the initial appeal was that it wasn't yet another Marvel movie. And this goes for TV shows as well. Everytime I see a reboot, I just catch myself rolling my eyes. Then there are my political anxieties ranging from the threat of facism to more real things such as Roe v. Wade being overturned and Israeli forces doing cute little TikTok dances while committing a genocide. Like imagine if you woke up in 1943 and you saw a thrist trap made by a Nazi S.S. officer. And also, as much as part of me romanticized the past and am drawn to similar aesthetics, it also annoys me because we're not getting anywhere by constantly looking to the past. We're never going to go back to normal, whether that is pre-pandemic normal, pre-Donald Trump normal, pre-Great Recession normal, or pre-9/11 normal. And nor should we because neoliberal capitalism isn't going to fix our problems. Hell, it's part of the reason why things have decended the way that they have. I understand wanting to go back to a simplier time and wanting that sense of escapism and control, I do too. Sometimes I catch myself romanticizing 2012. But the reality is, that it sucked and just because things suck even more now, doesn't mean it didn't suck before. I guess "going back to normal" has this sense of stagnancy and complacency that really gets under my skin. The reason why things are a mess now is because we had a shitty foundation in the first place. So why go back to that shitty foundation instead of actuallly addressing the problem and then moving forward. And also, the doomer shit is starting to piss me off because it also feeds into the complacency. I feel like gen alpha (the ipad babies) are becoming the next generation that people look down on because *kids these days.* And don't get me wrong, I think there are valid reasons to be concerned for gen alpha ranging from the education system to being raised on the internet (and sometimes quite literally). But hating on the ipad babies and thinking Skibidi Toilet is going to cause the world to end as if Charlie the Unicorn wasn't just as weird gets under my skin. Like the boomerfication of Millennials and older Gen Z annoys me as someone who basically vowed to not be a bitter old person that looks down on younger generations just because I don't get it. I'm so tired of the forced nostalgia and the whole vibe was *things were better back in my day.* I'm ready for something new and better in a way that doesn't isolate us further. It kind of goes back to the video I linked in the previous post about meta-modernism in the way that it combines the self-reflection and deconstruction of post modernism with the straight forward nature and sincerity of modernity. I also think about these two quotes: 12:28-14:40 : "It was the neo-liberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so longer the right people are in charge. This is everything the Democrats have been promising to get us back to. Almost everyone they've run for president has promised either a continuation of or a return to Clinton-era liberalism. They even ran another Clinton. Of course the only one in 20 straight years the one to actually win was the guy who said 'maybe let's do something different.' And then he didn't. This is Biden's entire appeal. Just put the Dems in charge and things will incrementally go back to the way they were. And to Millennials, that is VERY enticing because it's what we saw growing up. It's what we were promised. We weren't sure if we wanted it but it was at least a fallbakc if our dreams of being in a ska band or making adventure games at Lucas Arts didn't pan out. And it never came. And what we've had instead has been just so so much worse. For two straight generations, the 90s were the least things have sucked in living memory. But I think it's worth remembering that what the Democrats promised, the neo-liberal dream, did come true once. And we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it. Neo-liberalism is the romantic relationship that's always in crisis. If not a financial crisis, a health crisis, if not a health crisis, a family crisis. And you're just holding tight to each other because you're each the only solid thing in the other person's life. You are trauma bonded. And then all of a sudden things finally, finally, calm down for just a minute, just long enough for you to take a breath, step back, and get a look at yourselves. And for the first time you have room to think......*Oh no... This doesn't work. This hasn't worked for many years.* Things stay terrible so long, you almost miss when they were merely bad." 16:40 and onwards: "Jaded sarcasm and isn't brave in 2020, it's the path of least resistance for edgy chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation. Nowadays bravery is being a gender nonconforming socialist queerdo who refused to let the ugliness of the world close them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future, because nobody believes in the future anymore. But to wrap this up with a bow, we're not getting anywhere by looking back. Progress is going to come from trying things we've never tried before."

Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition I wrote a post a while back about romanticizing the past, specifically the 1950s, and I am finding myself doing the same with the 70s-90s lately. I think part of the reason why I tend to romanticize the 70s is because of the music at the time. I have recently found myself drawn to Fleetwood Mac and Billy Joel lately. A lot of Fleetwood Mac's music sounds dreamy to me in a relaxed, kind of contemplative way to me. Also a lot of Billy Joel's lyrics really get to me emotionally in the way that it captures the human experience. Like there are some lines here and there that really stick out to me because I find myself feeling personally attacked by it, 40+ years after the words were sung. And also like I mentioned above, the 70s still feels pretty far back to where it's easy for me to romanticize since it kinda feels like a different planet. I also made a playlist on Spotify that I just call Boomer music and it includes a lot songs from like the 70s and 80s. Also, I just got a haircut and it lowkey looks like the iconic Farrah Fawcett hairstyle. And that's if my hair isn't styled It wasn't intentional, I just got a curly cut so that my hair won't get weighed down and my natural curls would come out lol. I've also been enjoying the whimsigoth aesthetic which is very 70s and 90s mixed with some gothic elements. I also noticing myself doing romanticization more after deciding to be more offline and go on my touch grass journey lol. I've also been reflecting on the lonliness epidemic, the lack of third spaces, walkable cities vs car centric infrastructure, and just how hard it can be to make friends in adulthood. Another thing to note is that while I tend to romanticize the 70s, I still find myself doing the same for the 80s and 90s nowadays too, which is a notable difference from the time I was romanticizing the 50s a few years ago. I feel like a lot of it is the fact that my parents and the parents of my boyfriend were young from the 70s to 90s (as in like around our age from like 22-30) and they were living their lives, meeting people and maintaing connections organically, and were able to buy houses and start families during this time relatively easily compared to now. Also, my dad has been opening up more about his life after immigrating to the US in 1981 and life before meeting my mom in 1992. It's been nice listening to him and his lore and what life was like for a South Asian person in the US around my age (he was like 23 when he immigrated and I'm 24 now). I have talked to my boyfriend about some of these things and he told me the story of how his parents met. His parents met on a flight to Mexico and realized they were vacationing in relatively the same area. They hung out with each other's friends, went snorkling, explored the area, and in the end kept in touch and did the long distance thing for a little bit until my boyfriend's dad got a job in Texas and moved closer after buying a house. And then a couple years later they got married. This was in the mid-late 90s. My boyfriend also talked about how back in his parent's days, from like the early 80s to the 90s they had arcades and malls where you can hang out with people and have that third space. I also think of this song: Basically, I guess on my touching grass journey, I can't help but think what people did with their free time before the internet before you could space out in front of a glowing box for hours at time after work. I mean, they had TV lol but like, you get what I mean. They didn't have smart phones, social media, or YouTube. They actually had to talk to people, read a book, and have hobbies lol. I also think that the 70s takes this a bit further because some of the aesthetics that were popular during the 70s were inspired by the 1800s and what I like to call the Little House on the Prarie aesthetic. This is because a lot of shows in the 70s featured the old wild west and it was a conservative backlash that romanticized the past as a call to return to tradition as a reaction to the hippie counter culture movement in the late 60s to early 70s. And I think that this element of the 70s aesthetic and vibe really makes you think even further back where people didn't have electricity much less a phone and social media lol (because the 80s and 90s had more of a futuristic vibe from the retro 80s futurism to the Y2K aesthetic in the late 90s/ early 2000s). As a result, I think that me being drawn to the 70s aesthetic and touching grass is almost like an extention of me being drawn to the cottagecore aesthetic. The 90s also has an appeal because of how chill and optimistic that decade was for the US. It was after the Cold War and before the War on Terror. The economy was great. It was the end of history, a neoliberal dream. Sure back then there was a lot of cynicism (grunge anyone) from the monotony but by today's standards when it feels like we're dealing with another historical event every couple of months, the monotony of the stable cubicle job, the 30 year mortgage, and shit not really happening seems like a dream again rather than something that would induce a midlife crisis. Like I think I remember reading an article of how Millennials aren't having midlife crisis because didn't have a sense of stability and monotony in their adult lifes that they got stuck in and because they can't afford the typical midlife crisis things people do like buy expensive sports cars to feel young again. Transalation: Millennials aren't having a midlife crisis in the way that Boomers and Gen X did because their lives are an ongoing crisis from one disaster to another. I also think that the 90s also have an appeal because I was born in the tail end of 90s. So it's like.. I can claim the 90s, but I can't CLAIM the 90s becasue of my lack of memory as a 2 month old. I wonder what being a kid, teen, or 20 something during that time was like. And I think some of my friends who are like 3-4 years older than me can remember the 90s so it doesn't feel too far removed but also I'm around a lot of adults who were like teenagers or kids in the 90s (most of my coworkers are like 30-38 meaning they would've been between the ages of 6-14 by 2000). And again, I hear stories about people having a third place in the 90s such as malls and shit lol and I'm thristing for a third place. The 90s are also close enough for me to understand most of the references and the cultural vibes of the time but also the internet wasn't the way it is today and there is a lot of touching grass among things that are more modern compared to the 70s. I also think that it's crazy that the way that I thought of the 70s growing up in the 2000s is the way that kids these days think about the 90s since the 90s were about 30 years ago. I wouldn't say I have a super great view of the 80s though. A lot of it is due to Reagan and his legacy and the cluster fuck that is late stage capitalism and failed Reaganomics. I also think it's because of the college I went to where a lot of students were politically conservative and would wear Bush-Reagan '84 t-shirts everywhere. Like, culturally and politically, I felt like I was in the 80s but like, without any of the fun aesthetics. It was awful lol. But that said, I think there is a sort of naivity around capitalism and trusting the system that is cute and feel wholesome lol. Like, aww, you think you can be rich and be the next Donald Trump without that being an insult and you think that rich people are here to help you?? That's cute. I think that's why older boomers get scammed so easily because they still have that trust in people because they still have some faith because they didn't deconstruct everything and fall into cynicism. And even though that isn't conducive to today's landscape, sometimes I think about the doomer tendencies that are everywhere and contrast that to the 80s optimism. I feel like comparing modern movies to post modern ones explains this well: Also like what I said in the 50s which I think also generally applies to the 70s through 90s: In addition to the above, unions are also so sooo sexy.

I'm so happy to hear that!!! Good luck on your transition. Congrats That sounds really fun and exciting. I'm glad you found something like that.

I'm assuming that you're going by Hindu teachings. In Hinduism, facing east has a significant because that's the place from which the sun rises and the sun is associated with giving life, sustanance, light and inspiration. Fire also has a lot of spiritual significant in Hinduism as its kind of ethereal in nature and doesn't have a solid, liquid, or gas form and it can also symbolize burning away impurities and spiritual purification. As a result, temples always face the eastern direction and I know growing up people wanted to have east facing bedrooms, apartments, or houses because it was a sign of good luck and prosperity. Growing up I was always told to have my bed positioned so that when I woke up and sat up I would face the east lol. I'm sure facing east while meditating has similar themes.

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Plastic Surgery I started this thread a while back: I have been contemplating the thought of getting liposuction for a while now. I do have a relatively healthy life style both mentally and physically but my stomach has always bothered me. The rest of me is relatively lean/muscular but my stomach has a disproportionate amount of fat which I feel like throws me off on so many levels. I feel like it's a large part of the general body image issues I have. It also goes without saying that this isn't my first line of defense against this matter. I have tried therapy and working through the trauma I have around my body and my relationship with food. I have worked with a nutritionist to help get better nutritional advice so I won't fall into neurotic food habits and mindsets around food from the various form of diet culture that is present. I have also worked through a lot of my internalized misogyny and I have checked myself by educating myself on various topics regarding the ethics of plastic surgery and how empowering it is as well notions around fatphobia and ableism and how that can get tied to things like misogny, classism, racism, etc. I also eat healthy for the most part and I work out fairly regularly, sometimes twice a day. What I'm trying to say is that I have done a lot of inner work around this matter and I'm not trying to use liposuction as some kind of band aid on a bullet wound. I'm not even going to go around saying that this is something empowering because I do realize as a woman living under a patriarchy, my choices do not exist in a vacuum. But despite all this work, I'm still insecure about my stomach and how it is not flat. Sure, maybe I could diet to get a flat stomach, but historically that hasn't worked and caused me to spiral into an eating disorder and very neurotic and restrictive habits rather than snatching my waist. And even when I do lose weight, it doesn't help because I wind up looking more disproportional because the rest of me gets slimmer but my stomach. I feel like if my stomach didn't look the way it did, it would be so much easier for me to not be neurotic about my body or food because I already did the work that I explained previously. I really wish that this wasn't the case and that I can just accept myself but I have been trying for more than a decade now. I have made progress, don't get me wrong, but it's like I'm sure like 85% of my insecurities around my physical body would just disappear in a snap after liposuction. Which leads me to my next point. I don't see myself being the type of person who would get addicted to fixing things via going under the knife because of the thought I have put into this and because my other physical insecurities are like ants compared to this one. Also, I'm not planning on doing anything until after I turn 25 and my brain finishes developing. I posted the thread above back in 22 when I was 22 and I knew even then that my thinking may be distorted because of my university environment which felt like the thinspo side of tumblr from 2012 and when I live around my mother who has an eating disorder. Now that I graduated and I'm living by myself, I feel like I have a clearer head on this matter. This decision around liposuction isn't coming from this desperate place like it did back then. I'm in a place where I am content with my body for the most part and I have good habits around food. I just think it would be good to get the liposuction so that I don't have to think about this matter again and have it continue to bring up past issues. I will be fine if I don't get this done but I do see a lot of value that I can gain if I do get the liposuction done. I also did my research and have talked to a few professionals and I am a good candidate for this and that this is a safe proceedure since you aren't inserting anything like when you get implants or like a fat transfer, nor is it like getting a breast reduction which can compromise things like breast feeding down the line. I still felt a lot of resistance before coming to this conclusion. I felt like I wasn't actualized enough or that I'm not working on myself enough because I want an external solution. I felt like I was going against my values around intersectional feminism. It felt like that dynamic again about feeling like I have to choose between being happy and being right. Which brings me to the exercise I did in the previous post: Authenticity: aligned If I'm going to be so freaking honest with myself, I really want a flat stomach regardless of how materialistic it is. I genuinely feel like I need to burn through this karma. Awareness: aligned I feel like I would be able to be more present in life if I'm not worried about my body. I feel like if I take care of this one insecurity that it will free up a lot of space in my mind. I also feel like I would be more intuned with my bodily sensations around my stomach where if my stomach is acting up or I feel bloated for whatever reason, my knee jerk reaction wouldn't be *I feel fat and I need to diet.* Justice/Truth: not aligned This contridicts my values around feminism, capitalism etc. Empathy: aligned I think it's important to meet myself where I'm at and deal with something that has caused so much pain in my life in a way that won't trigger me into getting an eating disorder. Joy: aligned self explanatory Peace: aligned Again, I feel like this would clear up my mind by a lot and that I won't be as triggered around food and exercise. I feel like I would have a lot of peace of mind if I didn't have to worry about my stomach. Creativity: aligned I feel like I would be more comfortable taking more risks with fashion and self expression if I wasn't self conscious around my body. Connecting with people: aligned I would be able to show up more confidently in my relationships, specifically sexually. Learning: n/a Freedom: aligned I would feel more free around my diet and relationship around food. I won't go into these restrictive episodes which almost always is due to how I feel about my stomach. Totals: Not aligned: 8 n/a: 1 Aligned: 1 After this exercise, I felt the same way as I explained in my previous post since I found myself internally in a similar dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs right. I also found this video to be very applicable to what I'm dealing with and how I feel internally.

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Family Matters There is a saying that goes along the lines of "sometimes in life you need to choose between being happy and being right." This is something that I have been reflecting on for the past couple weeks because I think it's applicable to two big decisions in my life. It applies to whether or not I want to take care of my mom in her old age or go no contact with her as well as my thoughts on getting plastic surgery. I'm going to talk about the family issue for and then talk about the plastic surgery bit in a later post. Some thing that I have been dealing with in therapy is trying to figure out how to go about dealing with family relationships. The realtionships I have with my family is not the healthiest and on top of that, I come from a South Asian family, meaning there is also a cultural component that complicates things. I have dealt with most of my childhood trauma and I have built a good life for myself. And now that I have moved out and gained financial independence from my family, I feel like I'm in a clearer head space to contemplate this. I have a lot of shoulds in this situation. I feel like I should take care of my parents into their old age. I love them and I think that no matter what happens, there will always be a part of me that will yearn for that healthy relationship from them. I understand them and why they do certain things and the trauma that it stems from. I feel a deep sense of empathy when I think about their paths in life. There are a lot of ethical things I have thought about regarding hurting my parents. There is also the cultural expectation of children taking care of their parents due to South Asian culture being more collectivistic. There is a stigma against estranging yourself from your family. And especially as an only child, that responsibility feels even more real to me because it's basically expected. There is also the notion of me being too sensitive, that I should just be able to move on, that I shouldn't take some of the things they have done to me to heart. And finally, there is a sense of guilt and shame from me being ungrateful because I know people who are around my age who have lost a parent. Now all of this is like the quick version of the stuff I have been talking about in therapy. Much of it is crying and emotional processing about how this situation has been affecting me. But I feel like I have found a sense of direction as to where I want to go with my family relationships going forward. I don't know how I'm going to execute this and what kinds of conversations I will need to have and that is something that I'm still figuring out with a professional. Keep contact with my dad: While I feel like I can't emotionally open up around my dad and as a result don't have a lot of fuzzy feelings towards him, I do generally like his company and I can have a functional relationship with him given that we have certain boundaries. No contact or low contact with my mom: Unlike my dad, I feel like the boundaries aren't helpping us connect in a healtheir way. It's also really hard for me to connect to her in general and overall I'm not happy in this situation. The thought of me taking care of her into her old age freaks me out because of the way that she sabotogues family dynamics, the toll it will take on my mental health and what I've seen modeled to me by other family members who have taken a similar path. incidental/ low contact with extended family: I don't feel the need to full on cut them off but I think generally speaking I don't run into them all too often because I'm half way across the world. I can deal with them in small doses. I figured out the piece about my mom after re-evaluating my top values. I jotted them down and did a quick evaluation on whether this value was aligned with taking care of my mom or not aligned. Then I sat with my responses and talked about it in therapy. Authenticity: not aligned The thought of taking care of my mom feels very inauthentic given how I don't have a good relationship with her and that spending time with her fills me with dread. Awareness: not aligned There are many facets to this. I don't feel like I have a good quality of consciousness around her given how she impacts my mental health. I feel like it's hard to be present around her. And I feel like given that I have been carefully thinking through this situation for so many years and I'm working with a professional on this that I am making conscious decisions and I'm not just like some angsty or bitter teenager because I can't let go of the past. There is a reason why I feel the way I feel. Justice/Truth: aligned I don't think it's the right thing to do to cut off my mom given that she doesn't have much agency. She didn't have much of a choice on when and who to marry. She had a lot of adverse life circumstances that were out of her control. She never had a career or means of really supporting herself. And finally, she doesn't have any other family members she can really rely on. It's also fucked up to think that at the end of so many tragedies in her life that her one and only daughter will give her the final blow after years of taking care of her and raising her. It hurts me because I feel like I should be strong and suck it up because it's important to take care of family members, specifically if they are your parent. Empathy: aligned sort of (50/50) On one hand there is the empathy that I have for my mom and her experiences which is why I would say that taking care of her is aligned. However, I think it's also important to have empathy for myself as well. Like I'm always trying to meet where my mom is at but I don't do the same for myself. And it's really fucked up on how my sense of empathy can backfire and often times in this dynamic, I find myself showing empathy and understanding someone who doesn't care to understand herself, much less me. Joy: not aligned pretty self explanatory Peace: not aligned My sense of peace of mind would be greatly impacted by a decision like this. Creativity: n/a Connecting with people: not aligned I've had difficulties in the past with maintaining healthy friendships due to my mothers meddling. I have also seen what can happen in the event that my mom doesn't like someone's spouse. She tried to fuck up my uncle's marriage. I also don't want her to influence my child if I decide to have a kid. Learning: n/a Freedom: not aligned I always feel very trapped growing up due to the dynamics in my household to the point where I had really bad anxiety and depression throughout my teens and twenties to where I was suicidal at times. Totals: Not aligned: 6.5 n/a: 2 Aligned: 1.5 Before the exercise, I felt like I had one side that was against this and the other for it and that they were equal in this dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs. wanting to be right. Then out of curiousity, I broke those parts down into my values and realized that this was not an equal dichotomy and that one side had more higher conscious values attached to it compared to the other. I also realized that since Justice and Truth are in the top 3 of my values that it's natural that I put a lot of weight on it. However, it's still important to consider the other values and have a checks and balances of sort. Then I realized that sometimes, when I find myself in the conflict where I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right and doing what will make me happy that odds are that this is the Justice/Truth value butting heads with all the other values that are there. And I think this is a very important realization to have when understanding how I deal with difficult decisions and internal conflict. I also found this video helpful after therapy. I feel like a lot of my sessions were me unravelling my shoulds until my authentic desires and motivations came up to where I could do this exercise: I think it was a good video for me to revist to recap and tie everything together.

pasta croissants the warm sun hitting my face taking a bath working out spending time with friends and my significant other listening to music burning a candle naps journaling fuzzy socks These are just to name a few but I could go on forever

Growing Pains I wrote this about 2 weeks ago. Firstly, I think that one reason why I was feeling this sense of dread was because it was right before my period (I think I got my period the day after the second post). That's not to say that anything that I said and felt while writing this was invalid but it is to say I was probably feeling things more intensely since right before my period, I tend to get a little sad lol. I remember a couple days after my period started I stopped feeling this way. I will say that I do feel more like an adult after having some of these concerns come to the surface. I think it has to do with me settling into adulthood (different from settling down in general) and feeling the weight of financial and familial responsibilities while being aware of the passage of time as it feels different from when you were a kid. I wouldn't say that the weight from the responsibilities feels too heavy or burdensome but more so that I'm aware of it, even though I'm capable of carrying it for the most part. As for the passage of time, it definitely feels different because of the way I don't get time off I did when I was a kid, how I have a "past" to look back at, how a year doesn't feel as long as it used to, and how I'm not intimidated by long term plans of life goals anymore. It has its pros and cons but I wouldn't say the transition is inherently bad or good. But I will say that it does feel a bit weird. Especially since there are people who make edits from 2016 saying "imAGinE bEInG iN HIghsCHOol fROm 2012 to 2016." Don't get me wrong, I'm not delusional enough to say that it wasn't a while back and I'm well aware that I was a freshman in highschool in 2014 10 years ago but at the same time, I don't think it's far back enough to be a vintage aesthetic to be romanticized lol. Idk, maybe the two existential crisis I had that I linked above is just part of the growing pains of being in the real world. I feel like it's similar to the growing pains you have when you're like 14/15 where you get angsty because you're aware of real world issues and you're realizing that the world is a shitty place even though you have half baked ideas on how things function. Except, now instead of just being aware of shitty real world issues and being affected by them to a certain extent because the smell is getting to you, you're actually in the shit this time and you're trying to navigate swimming through that lol. That said, while part of this is normal growing pains, I think a good chunk of this current time is also just unhinged. I'm talking about the pandemic, the plethora of economic issues, climate change, being able to view genocides from your smart phone, having the threat of fascism on the horizon, and just generally speaking having middle class people struggle to get by. I want to acknowledge this and not write this off as growing pains or angst because I remember feeling angsty about the state of the world at like 16/17 while Trump was running for office and got inaugurated. I remember thinking in the back of my mind that *oh maybe I'm just being a dramatic teenager.* But looking back at the stuff that I was writing, sure some of it was half baked (such as idealizing revolution and overthrowing the government as well as how easy it would be to just up and leave the country and get citizenship elsewhere) but a lot of it was based in legitimate concern rather than me just being a teenager. In conclusion, yes I am going through growing pains but also, the world is going through growing pains systemically since late stage capitalism also sucks.

Finally! Granted I haven't been on this forum as much unless I come on here to journal but I remember in the past getting a strong misanthropic vibe from this place as well this desire to transcend humanity. There is this sense that all survival is selfish and bad and that all socialization is just mindless monkey chatter and deception. And while that can be true for situations that aren't very healthy, I think some people on here underestimate the amount of life satisfaction you can get from healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationships with other people even when you aren't perfectly self actualized. I feel like so long as you have a basic sense of self-awareness and are willing to work on yourself and hold yourself accountable that relationships can be smooth for the most part or teach you a lot in terms of things like emotional mastery, other perspectives on life that you haven't considered due to your own limitted experiences, and so much more. I have no interest in transcending my humanity. I did at one point got attached to detachment where I wanted to transcend all of my negative emotions and basic needs. That wasn't coming from a spiritually healthy place and I had to slow down on that. There is a reason why consciousness wants to experience the limitted life you embody, so I say be present in that and build your life in a way that is fulfilling to you, which can be relative because of all types of factors, rather than needing to transcend everything for the sake of truth. And in approaching spirituality in this way, I feel much more connected and fulfilled in my own humanity rather than feeling limitted by it.

Reducing My Media Consumption I had this strong urge a couple weeks back to reduce my media consumption. Various TikTok trends were getting on my nerves and I had the desperate urge to go touch some grass. I decided to vent to my friend about this for like 2 hours to get everything out of my system and then delete the app afterwards. It's been about 2.5 weeks since that happened and I didn't redownload the app. I also reduced the amount of time I spent on Instagram and Youtube as well. I feel a lot calmer now, not that I was anxious before, but in the sense of my mind is clearer and not as cluttered with thoughts. I feel like I'm also more present with my day to day life and I am just enjoying how quiet it is. I ended up getting into this habit of watching TikToks or listening to a YouTube video as I did things like cooking, cleaning, and sometimes working out. I stopped doing that because I am enjoying the silence and just being much more. Sometimes I do put something on and I wind up feeling like this clip and then I turn it off lol. Some things I do instead of scrolling endlessly are working out, going on walks, sitting outside and enjoying the fresh air, and coloring in one of those adult coloring books that I got for Christmas. And of course I cook, clean and do like little self care activities such as face masks and long hot baths. Also sometimes I just sit there and lay under my weighted blanket not doing anything other than observing my thoughts until they calm down and I'm just back to being. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I don't, it just depends on my mood. But over all, I feel great by reducing my media consumption, especially for short form content. I find that watching longer videos doesn't take me out of this calm that I have created for myself but just taking in loads of small amounts of content that I don't find myself consciouslly taking in adds to the constant chatter in my brain.

I'm in a place where I have dealt with most of my neurosis and have created a life that I'm mostly fufilled by. I enjoy the simple pleasures in my life and make time for being. I have a number of fulfilling relationships. And I have a good amount of stability mentally, emotionally, and financially. Now when I think about all the ways that my life can be improved or experiences that I would like, I just keep thinking about the money and a more materialistic form of self-improvement And it kinda bothers me, not because I don't think money is important, but I guess because I don't like it being front and center in my self actualization journey. I also find myself missing the parts of my self-development that focussed on more emotional and spiritual matters. I also wrote about this in my journal and I wanted to include it in this post: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel kind of nostalgic about the more emotional and spiritual phase of self development I had and I'm not looking forward to a more materialistic form of self improvment where I focus on my career and making more money. I just wanted to vent in this post and wonder if anyone else encountered something similar.

Looking Back at Past Posts Last night I went to my "Contents I Started" tab and I reviewed the threads I started from the time I first joined Actualized.org. This morning, I watched some YouTube videos I posted a while back on this forum that looked interesting and I reviewed some of my previous journal entries. First of all, I wrote a lot in those journal entries and in the threads I started. It did feel a bit overwhelming looking at those blocks of texts but it was nice in a sense because with more data, I can get a better sense of where my mind was at in terms of making sense of whatever discussion I was having. I think I am pretty well thought out in most situations, even when I was confused and figuring things out. That fact alone gives me a sense of confidence for the future. But it also makes me think about how there are so many things that I have now figured out that in the past did take a lot of mental energy to get me to where I am now. The things that I once analyzed carefully and came to my nuanced conclusions are the same things that feels so obvious to me now. And I have to thank my past self for putting in all of that work so that I can have the life and consciousness I have now. I also feel more greatful for my current life. This isn't like a new thought I'm having. There are many times throughout my day where I look at my job, my apartment, my life style, my friends, and my partner and think about how thankful and content I am. Even though I have only been living this way for about 6 months to a year depending on how you want to cut it, my life before feels like a bit of a distant memory because I have normalized this more healthy and slow paced life for myself. But even though it feels like a distant memory, I think my journal posts from the past make it much less distant. The stark contrast from what my life is like now to what my life used to be like when I was a student makes me feel like I'm reading a diary from someone else, a past life even. In a way, I feel kind of detached from the state of consciousness I was in back then even though the proximity of time is relatively close if that makes sense. Because I'm mainly looking at posts from August 2021 to August 2022 and onwards. That was like 2.5 to 1.5 years ago. But I feel like life has changed so drastically for the better in a very material, tangible way. I remember at the time back in 2021/2022 feeling like I did so much inner work but feeling like I had nothing tangible in my life to show for it and how as a result I felt like I was in a hamsterwheel of self help. Like I was sitting there wondering where the fruits of my labor were. And now, I wish I could go back and say that hey, you don't have to wait too long (plus the fruits taste really good). I really feel like I'm in a place in my life where I'm enjoying the fruits of my emotional labor. Looking back, I did put in a lot of labor and I'm proud of myself for that and all of the sorting shit out that my past self did. I'm so happy that she brought me to where I am now. And this also gives me hope for the future that the things that I write and have an existential crisis about will one day feel very obvious rather than pressing and that I will figure things out in due time.

Additional Income Benefits of having an extra $2000 each month: can rely on that money and it will cover all of my bills so I won't have to worry about that >> all my money from my job can go towards savings, retirement, and other financial goals ease anxieties around inflation so I can keep up If I move to a larger, walkable city it can cover rent and I won't have to worry about that when making decisions will help me deal with the pay cut i will get for the time being when pursuing my life purpose will give me more stability in case of economic downturns of if something happens to my job (won't have all of my eggs in one basket) will give me more options when it comes to taking time off of working (i.e. taking time off to get further education, having a child down the road etc.)

All that said. I have been thinking about the benefits of having a passive income or some kind of side hustle. I have an excel sheet that I have been using to track my expenses for over a year and I think making an extra $2000 a month would be helpful. It would pretty much cover like 90% of my expenses and the rest of my money that I make from my job can go towards things like savings, investments, and my retirement accounts. How realistic is this goal of making an extra $2000 a month? What are some ideas?

Yes. The best way I can describe it is imagine being a student who generally loves school and the whole process of education. You go to all of your classes and do well. You do your homework. But then there is that one subject that you kinda hate and you want to procrastinate on the homework for. So you procrastinate by doing other homework that has been piling up and is quite frankly more interesting. And then you're done with that one but you still have homework from that subject you don't like. That's a good way of thinking about it. Thank you. I feel like this helps

Just a couple videos I liked

@Argonaut I'm in Dallas

24 F South Asian Have been here since I was 20. I'm mainly in the journaling section now.

I have been following this channel for years and I think you'll like it The Finanacial Diet talks about money in a way that is relavent to cultural trends and the current economy. They also have more of a socialist leaning and I find their critique on the way things are right now and how to respond much more empathetic, nuanced, and well rounded than the ultra liberatarian approach sToP sPENdiNG mOnEY oN avoCADo toAST type financial gurus that are out there. I feel like they did a lot in terms of helping me get to having healtheir spending habits as well as a better mindset around money that helps me critically evaluate things before jumping on them.

The Dread Normally I like the time around New Years because I love a good new beginning and since I'm a Scorpio rising, I love a good rebirth and reinvention. But for some reason I find myself feeling this sense of dread with 2024. I briefly journaled about this last night in my notes section and I did talk about this in my post about working a corporate job for one year. And then I listened to Landslide and cried to that for a little bit before forcing myself to fall asleep at 2 am. I started crying because I started thinking of my parents dying, especially my dad because he is the only family member who I feel like I can connect to. I also started thinking about aging and how my mom wanted a baby and had less expectations of me when I was a baby and toddler and honestly liked me more. As I got older even though I like the person I'm growing into, my mom definitely doesn't feel the same way and I fall short of all of her standards and she can't relate to me and I can't ever go back to the version of myself that was more easily lovable in her eyes. Then I caught myself getting nostalgic over a childhood i didn't really have. I remember growing up the adults around me telling me to not rush into growing up and to enjoy the simplier times where you don't have to worry about anything. And I get it now. I feel like since moving out on my own, even though I can easily afford my lifestyle, I feel like I'm hyper aware of how much everything costs and my own sense of survival financially and politically. Don't get me wrong, I was still worried about these types of things growing up since I was 11 ish but I guess the thought of supporting myself financially was this abstract idea rather than something more tangible. I remember growing up having it drilled into me that if I don't do well in school, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job, I'm going to be struggling for the rest of my life. So I was pretty anxious about things like grades, long term future plans, and what I was going to do in my life because in my elementary school logic, if I don't get a good education, I won't get into the advanced classes and stand out. And if I don't know what I want to do with my life, I wouldn't know what advanced placement classes to take which will affect my college applications and later my job prospects. Not to mention all the abuse from my parents I was subjected to growing up because there was only so much I could do to stand up for myself at 12. I say all this to say that when grown ups would tell me that childhood was a carefree time I would roll my eyes because of the pressure that was put on me. I wouldn't say that I'm the type to experience a lot of nostalgia because I feel like as I grow up and develop myself and get more responsibility and autonomy in my life, I find that life gets better. But while I'm more carefree now in a lot of ways, I do miss not being financially hyper aware and not understanding current events and how they can impact me. I remember growing up having the news in the background talk about various conflicts in the Middle East and everyone talking about the recession but in my 8-12 year old mind, there was a part of me that was like *well idk what's going on exactly but I'm sure the adults will take care of it and I'll be fine.* And now I'm the adult that's expected to take care of it and maintain myself. The anxiety I had about survival and maintaining myself when I was in school was for the future while the economic anxieties I have now are in the present. This might also have to be with the phase of self development I'm in but I miss not being as aware of baseline monetary survival in terms of my self development. I remember before so much of my self development was on things like dealing with various forms of trauma and becoming more self confident, and figuring out my values and ideals for my life. I did go through that and I put in the work in the past and I'm in a very good place in my life regarding being a well adjusted adult who makes good decisions and has their priorities straight. And I think at this point of I guess leveling up my life, so much of it has to do with making more money. My life is pretty great now and I'm content with my life but when I think of making my life better, I think of the following things: Travelling more = $$ Potentially going to grad school= $$$$$$$$$$$$$ Transitioning into a career in journalism= $$$ (the concern of money comes from the chance that I might not be making as much as I'm making now or a livable wage. I don't have a super lavish life now but I do like having a cushion and the peace of mind of living well below my means and that's on how much I'm making now. And I don't really want to make less than I make now because I'm used to my current salary.) Passive income so that I don't ever have to worry about the bills = $$$ Having an apartment in a walkable city that I can comfortably afford = $$$$$$$$$$$ Affording to buy a house or apartment in a decade or so = $$$$$$$$$$$ Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years = $$$$$$$$$ Having money to get a hair cut and ocassionally get a facial or mani pedi and go to fancy restaurants (I can afford this now but I feel a little weird about spending money in superflous ways given my income even though it's not that bad).= $ I also caught myself thinking about 2014-2016 a lot today. It feels crazy to think that 2014 was 10 years ago because it doesn't feel that way to me. I guess it's because sometimes I feel like a 17 year old, that is until I talk to an actual 17 year old. And I also think about how I thought shit was crazy in 2016 and things have gotten crazier since, from countless scandals from the Trump presidency that caused me to disassociate from the news and current events from 2018-2019, to a pandemic, an insurrection, me losing my bodily autonomy to get an abortion, and multiple genocides that the U.S. is complicit in. I remember a couple months ago asking my parents if the world has always been this crazy and I'm just old enough to understand this now. I was trying to draw a comparison from the 90s and 2000s vs everything post 2015. I was 15 in 2015 and I think that was the age when I started being more aware of my surroundings and that's when Trump started running. So it's like, is the craziness just coinciding with the age that I started becoming more aware or was it always crazy and I was just not aware of it before? And my parents were like, no, shit was more chill back then even though there was chaos, people weren't as polarized and things didn't get this bad in terms of the middle class standard of living and fascism. Speaking of which, I remember back when I was a kid that Homer Simpson was supposed to be framed a babbling idiot who was not doing great for his life. He works a dead end job in the powerplant, his neighbors have nicer things than him. But now, it's like... *damn, maybe Homer is doing good for himself. He owns his house and is able to support a family of five and takes care of his dad all from a powerplant job.* And I think this has to do with how typical milestones for a middle class life has eroded to where they seem like luxuries. Like why tf are all the affordable homes getting bought and rented out leaving us with having to buy a house for more than half a million dollars. When I think of a million dollar home, the 2000s kid imagines a palace, not a two story house with a pool. My boomer dad even notices this. Also, as I'm writing this down, I find myself thinking about this post I saw a while back that said "adulthood is when your mood is tied to the economy." I'm also thinking of this video: The line that's hit me is "But don't be stupid. You have responsibility, not wisdom. And that's gonna show." And I also think of this tiktok as well: I don't really know how to end this post. I hope the meeting I have set up with my financial advisor in a couple weeks goes well.

Media Consumption Analysis 2023 I was looking for my media consumption analysis journal entry for 2022 and I guess I just never did one lol. Back in 2021, I had 3 posts on this topic where I discuss life experience content, video essays, and self improvement. I feel like I still occupy the same categories in my media diet but the ratio of it is different. I feel like I take in mostly video essay content. I think I watch maybe something more self improvement related like a couple times a week or so. And life experience content is kind of sprinkled in there at random to where I can't say that any particular creator sticks out a lot. As I look into a good chunk of my subscriptions, most of them are video essay channels. I wouldn't say that I found myself hyperfocussing on any one channel rather I just watch videos as I find interesting. I have also been watching a lot of content from Vaush because I think his takes are pretty well rounded and the topics he covers are informative. Basically, this year I have mainly been focussing on enjoying my hobbies and interest and letting me living my life be the thing that develops me rather than content. Nevertheless, I went ahead and attached a document with my youtube subscriptions since the picture wasn't showing up correctly when I tried to insert it to this post. I will say that I have been watching a lot of things on Tiktok. It's hard to really capture what my consumption was like because people typically watch things on their for you page rather than just the people they are subscribed to. I did catch myself getting some early symptoms of chronically online brainrot in the last month or so. As a result, I went ahead and deleted the app. Going forward in 2024, I want to be more offline because I'm at a point where the internet feels like it's distorting my sense of reality and that certain popular trends are getting on my nerves so I think it's time for me to touch grass lol. youtube subscriptions 2023.docx

To Do List 1/5 Figure out boundaries with family and discuss the following topics in therapy: My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained in my main journal. What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends. My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea. How to deal with family relationships going forward + what certain conversations look like. Get a haircut: I've been looking like an egg recently lol and I want to also try something new. Be more aligned with my values: Start volunteering at a homeless shelter Learn to engage with right wing people Plan out your trip to Washington D.C. and your month long trip in the later part of the year. Get that promotion at work (will be in June/July) Contribute more to your team meetings and gain more expertise in the software I specialize in. Start meal prepping so you aren't always eating girl dinners: I started doing like a Hello Fresh meal kit once a month so that I can introduce myself to new recepies here and there and I think it's been helping. Research your career in journalism more: also part of the preparing for D.C trip

Things I Want to Discuss in Therapy Just a little mental check list My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip. Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained above. What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends. Where to go with my family relationships. My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea.