soos_mite_ah

Secondary PTSD: Monday: I got to see my friend who was closely impacted by the shooting and my boyfriend who lives in Allen on Monday near downtown Dallas. We had plans previously to go shopping on the 8th because my friend is moving to Washington DC and needed professional clothes for her internship. I felt some relief after spending time with them and being able to physically see that they are alright. My friend on the other hand I'm still concerned about due to her proximity to the event physically and relationally. We both think she hasn't processed the even fully and is still in a *I need to be on the go and focus on other things in my life* mode. I felt pretty jumpy while hanging out. We just went to a cafe and then a couple of thrift stores to keep things more low key. I caught myself having intrusive thoughts where I would imagine violent and gory scenes. I caught myself being extra vigilant of my surroundings and getting nervous on the road when my boyfriend was driving despite him being a careful driver. I caught myself having random periods of anxiety when my heart rate would go up out of nowhere. And finally, I caught myself feeling nervous when I was out in the open outside of a store. We were waiting for my friend to get back from somewhere and I didn't feel comforable waiting outside the store because I felt exposed and unsafe so I told my boyfriend that we should wait in the car instead. In my mind, if anything were to happen, if we're in the car we can drive off. The other thing that freaked me out was when my friend told me that the only reason why she wasn't in the mall that day was because she had plans with me and my boyfriend. She thought "well, I already planned to go shopping with soos_mite_ah and her boyfriend on Monday. I don't really need to go today." She's mainly grateful about this and I am too, but it just freaks me out how much of an impact this really tiny decision has made. We could have easily made the decision to go to the outlet mall that day instead. In addition to her uncle being caught in the store across from where the shooting began, apparently her step dad left the mall right before the shooting began. He saw the shooter's car pull up and he heard the first round of shot but thought it was just someone who was having issues with their car and just drove off as usual. It's just too close to people I know. Also, her uncle knew one of the victims and would talk to the guy on a daily basis when he would show up for work. I kept my emotions in check around my friend. I didn't want to show her how freaked out I felt because I want her to be able to process in her own time and I think me being reactive could be triggering for her. I got the sense that she wanted to hang out to get things done for her move, to spend time with her friends before she leaves, and to get her mind off of the matter for a little bit after venting. But when I started driving back home, I just started crying in my car at the thought of losing her. I was still getting the intrusive thoughts and I kept imagining her being part of the bodies surrounded by blood. And it's no surprise that I had trouble sleeping Monday night. More information came out about the victims and I couldn't help but start doom scrolling. Tuesday: I had a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I told her everything I have heard and have been feeling over the last few days. I think it really helped me process this situation. I also found out that I maybe dealing with secondary trauma / PTSD from the event. I talked alot about the symptoms I've been experiencing, the places my mind has been going, and the emotions I've been repressing for the past 10 years. After the session, I searched up what secondary trauma and PTSD was. Here is the website and here is a little bit that I want to include in my journal: https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2022/03/02/secondary-trauma-symptoms/ I also wrote out what I'm experiencing in blue. I don't think I have secondary PTSD as of yet but secondary trauma for sure. I'm still trying to see how this will unfold in the next couple of weeks. I do have some hope since I have experienced something similar in the past and it was just me being shaken up for 2ish weeks. I think I just need time and space before I feel like my normal self.

Mass Shootings The last time I've ever felt anything about a mass shooting was during the Sandy Hook shooting back in December 2012. I was 13 years old at the time and I remembered days after the event had occured on a Wednesday, I was sitting in my school chappel as our preacher read out the names of the 20 first graders who were killed. My school had this program where the older kids were given the responsibility to look after the younger ones during chappel. As a 7th grader was in charge of 2 first graders. I looked across the ailes and I remember the seniors where in charge of a kindergartener. And all I could think of when those names were being read was what would happen if someone came in through the door and shot the child next to me who is half the size of me at the time. Afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and just cried. I didn't give myself that much time to cry since chappel was wrapping up and we were about to go on to our classes later but I wiped away my tears and moved on with my day. After that day I didn't feel anything towards a mass shooting. It's like my brain shut this part of my empathy off in order to deal with this type of stuff. But every now and then I get reminded that this not a normal way to react in the sense that it's fucked up that I've been so desensitized to this type of thing. All of the mass shootings blur together at some point. And while I do vote and do what I can on my end, I don't really think anything is going to change in the near future. I remember having teachers over the years express how distraught they felt about these situations through high school and college while the rest of my class stared off blankly as if it was a normal Tuesday. I think about how numb my peers are and how numb I am, and how that feels jarring for our teachers older than us. I'd imagine, going up to a class with children old enough to understand what is happening and mentioning the news, only for there to be no reaction what so ever to feel so ominous. There is a sense of apathy that can be interpreted as a lack of care or empathy but it can also be interpreted as a reaction to always being exposed to this type of news to where it's normalized. There is also the sense of wanting to emotionally connect with other people regarding the news but having those advancements be met with stone cold silence or just the other person ignoring you that can be incredibly invalidating. Either way, it's chilling. I do remember at different times in college where I was chilling and talking to my peers and telling stories about that one "incident" in our school in a laughing and joking matter only to be like "you know it's kinda fucked up we're making light of this matter, but I guess that's our way of coping. I mean, what's the alternative?" But over all, while I feel like I can intellectually process it, emotionally I've always blocked myself off from this type of collective trauma and used humor to cushion that wall like many people in my generation. However, for the first time in 10+ years, I felt something when it comes to mass shootings. There was a mass shooting in a suburb north of Dallas called Allen, TX in their outlet mall. I have a number of friends who live in Allen including my boyfriend. One of my friends has an uncle who was working in the mall yesterday. He saw people get shot, pools of blood, and a family with small children who were hiding in the bushes die. Thankfully, my friend's uncle got out unharmed but that entire night my friend was trying to calm him down from the carnage he witnessed. Part of me feels like a bad person for having feelings only when someone I am distantly connected to is suffering and not for the hundreds of other shootings that have happened in the last 10 years. Another part of me feels bad for being affected by it so much because I'm not the main person suffering. I wasn't at the scene, I have no right to be upset. This is just part of life at this point and it's only a matter of time before you or someone you know is caught in this type of thing. Get over it. Finally, another part can recognize all of this is a trauma response and it's part of the way that my brain specifically decided to cope with constantly getting exposed to this stuff. That part of me currently feels overwhelmed because a lot of the things I've been bottling up for the last 10 years is coming up. I started talking to my boyfriend about this yesterday and just sat with him on the phone feeling whatever I felt and occasionally saying something while reading the various new stories that were developing. I was hoping to god that the family in the bushes were mentioned in an article so that it would mean that there is a chance my friend was parroting things she saw on the news rather than explaining what her uncle witnessed. The way she worded it sounded a bit unclear. I kept reading her texts to me and reading the comments on the new videos. Many were about how this happened because the Allen Outlet Mall is a gun free zone and because the shooter was killed by an officer, there was this narrative of how if everyone was armed this wouldn't have happened and that "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." And while I found those comments as stupid and frustrating in the past, I can't help but think that making comments like that is a symptom of our collective trauma and a way of coping for the sector of Americans who are hell bent on concepts individualism and personal responsibility. It sounds awfully like the barginning stage of grief after a traumatic event. I also started thinking about my proximity to other violent events. I have also been at a mall near my house that got shot up like 10-15 minutes after I left the place. I also had a CVS phamacy that was robbed where the robber shot a pregnant lady who was working there about an hour after I left the place. My university has had a couple of bomb threats during my time there. And just by being a woman who has had encounters with some sketchy guys, I began thinking of those instances too. Part of me, while deeply terrifed of being at the receiving end of violence, feels like this type of thing is inevitable. I'm not under the impression that I think that this will never happen to me. Something I use to calm myself in situations where I'm walking alone at night or I'm in a parking lot alone is that if I ever get raped, murdered, trafficked, kidnapped etc. that it will be in the hands of someone I know, not a random person in a back alleyway. Which is also fucked up to verbalize but I guess the only way to combat a very real and valid fear women have is by having an equally real and valid narrative to combat it which is to recognize how realistically things usually play out. But when it comes to shootings, there is only so much you can do given how random they can be. Today, I woke up and started watching videos of interviews people did on the Sandy Hook shootings for the survivors 10 years later. Many of them are in their last years of high school or are in college. I just kept thinking of the lives of the survivors after all of this and how not much has changed since 2012 both in terms of their trauma as well as our federal legislature. I also thought it was important to watch in order to reconnect with my empathy because part of me felt completely fine after I woke up and that just felt kind of fucked up and icky. It felt icky because I interpretted the feeling of being "completely fine" as me falling back into my numbness and callous apathy. And as I write out my thoughts and draw out the number of complex thoughts and feelings I have to this, I think it challenges me to question the notion that there is a right or moral way to feel and cope with events such as these. My boyfriend and I checked on my friend who was being impacted and we're waiting to get a response back from her. I'm also contemplating on taking time off of work tomorrow just to process some things that this situation is bringing up.

I love this video so much and I have watched it an embarassing number of times

My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years As I started journalling about my relationship with writing, I started thinking about my relationship with other past times I had over the years. Biking, Tennis, Swimming (2005-2011): These are things I would spend my time doing on the weekends along with watching cartoons as a kid when I didn't have to worry about too much homework and when the weather was nice Playing on my Nintendo DS (2007-2012): Man, I was glued to this thing. My favorite games included Pokemon, Mario Kart, Super Mario Bros, Cooking Mama and Kingdom hearts. Pokemon was especially my favorite. I was deadset on catching them all until at some point I was like *they doin the absolute most* so I gave up lol. Drawing/Painting (2009-2016): I started getting into anime style art after seeing tutorials on YouTube. I remember I would spend a long time trying to draw on MS Paint, teach myself to draw using various mediums ranging from acrylics, charcoal, pastels etc. I also taught myself to use photoshop, took art classes over the summer, and generallly spent a lot of time learning proportions, shading etc. These were my first flow experiences as a kid. Watching anime (2011-2014): I got into anime after getting into Pokemon. My friends introduced me to different kids of manga and I got hooked on various fandoms this way from Fruits Basket, Tokyo Mew Mew, Kitchen Princess, Kaicho wa Maid Sama, Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, and Death Note. I remember liking both shoujo and shouhen manga/ anime. I fell off of the manga and anime loop once I got into high school because I had a higher work load and I was worried about college. I can't say I know much about what happens in anime circles but generally speaking I can understand various different troups, discussions, and terminology going on. Helping my friends write fanfiction (2011-2013): I was never a fanfic writer but something that I liked doing with my friends during and in between classes is make up stories based on various YA novels we read from Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Hunger Games etc. I was the kid who would try to come up with character designs and plot twists lol. Various Pop punk / Emo Music bands (2010-2017): I had a solid 7 year long emo phase lol. I remember bonding with my friends over the types of music we listened to, how I would actively be discovering more music, and it was just a huge part of my identity through my preteen to mid teen years. It started to fizzle out around when I was 16/17 when I expanded my music taste and honestly, I never got into music in the same way after that. Writing (2016-??) Wrote a whole post about this lol Ice Skating (2014-2018): I did ice skating as a hobby throughout high school. I did do it while I was in elementary school as well but the ice rink near me at the time was demolished so I went like a solid 7 years without ice skating. I went to the ice rink about 3x a week and it was another one of my favorite flow experiences and a good physical outlet for me. Contemplating (2013-2016): I was already a very contemplative kid growing up. I think a large part of it had to do with me being an only child who had a lot of time in the world to just be lost in her own thoughts whlie listening to music. I think even now I'm just in a constant state of existential crisis lol. However, for the sake of this post I'm cutting this off at 2016 because I want to draw a distinction between contemplating and just getting into / thinking about self development. The stuff I thought about in the year range above mainly had to do with psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. Self Development (2016-2022): I started getting into self development after realizing how messed up my homelife was and how messed up my mental health was. It mainly started with me looking up videos on YouTube on how to deal with things like depression and anxiety as well as making sense of my family issues. I also got into therapy in 2018 and I feel like college gave me a good amount of distance to figure this stuff out. I think this greatly impacted how much and how often I would write. I'm setting the year range ending at 2022 because I feel like in 2023, my self development isn't as central in my life rather I'm just doing things for maintenance. I'm still in therapy and I still journal here and there but I wouldn't say it dominates my time as it used to. I'm past the season of character development and I'm currently enjoying the fruits of that. Weight lifting (2022-??): I started getting into early last year in my efforts to heal my relationship with food and exercise. It's something I do on a fairly regular basis. Left tube video essays (2018-2023): I discovered left tube back in 2018 when I started going to my conservative college. I started getting into some of the video essays because it helped me make sense of my current situation. I do think that this was also something that went hand in hand with my educational background and my interests on social issues overall from my childhood. And whle I'm still into social sciences and understanding social issues, I will say watching video essays are starting to get boring for me specifically which is why the year range ends in 2023.

Hey @Etherial Cat , it's always nice to hear from you . I'm guessing the thread you saw your name at was the one where I wondered if there were any women left on the forum that eventually turned into a cluster fuck lol. I was hoping that I would see more women come out of the woodworks and sure I learned of some other female users whose journals I got to check out but the thread devolved to where I just thought it was best to lock it. I agree with everything that you have been saying in your post above. I have also contemplated on deleting all of my posts from here but I haven't gotten around to how I want to deal with that yet. Most of my posts are from my journals and I think I would want to put in more thought as to what degree I want to scrub my presance from here. Sometimes I just wonder to what extent do guys on this forum reflect what the average guy is like and to what extent my selection bias out in the world contrasts with this notion of the average guy. I have a handful of guys in my life and I know what kinds of issues affect men to a certain extent, but I'd be lying if I said that I understood the male experience and how the average guy approaches life lol. I did notice that by stepping back from this forum and touching some grass helped with my cynical and guarded attitudes with men. I can see on how taking a step back or just leaving all together can be healing period. All of that being said, I hope you're doing well @Etherial Cat and I hope you have been finding success in your own self development and healing journey. I did enjoy reading your comments and journal entries on this forum but I totally understand that you'd prefer to take that journey offline

My Changing Relationship to Writing I remember on how from 2020 to the end 2021 how I've been pretty consistent with writing to where I wanted to create a blog. I was consistent with my writing in an almost everyday basis and I also wrote a lot in my freetime outside of this forum. However, for the last 6 or so months, I've seen my passion for writing wane. I thought it was due to my busy life where I was prioritizing doing rather than contemplating, but as things have quieted down, I didn't throw myself into writing as I did in the past. And I want to explore that a little bit. My love, dedication, and continous practice of writing started when I was 16 in 2016. Prior to then, I chose to express myself through drawing and painting, but after my grandmother had passed away, I found myself leaning towards writing more as a way of trying to make sense of my experiences and emotions. I eventually reached the conclusion that while I was a skilled artist in the way that I could carefully recreate images in a meditative state, my creativity shined more in writing because of the way that I uniquely expressed myself. Around mid 2019, I remember feeling a sense of stability emotionally for the first time in a whlie. I remember how drawn I was to writing waned since I didn't have many emotions to makes sense of. I was at peace. And I noticed that a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from conflict, things going on in my life, and me trying to process and heal that. And therefore, when I was in a healed, realtively peaceful state, I didn't have as much to write about. As a result, it isn't too surprising that the most and most consistently that I have written was in 2020 towards the end of 2021 during the pandemic. Let's just say that this two year period was just a cluster fuck. 2022 was me getting my life together through experiences outside of myself because I finally had the opportunity to go out and do things rather than being stuck running in circles in the labyrinth of my own mind. I had multiple jobs, I traveled, I finished up university, entered into a relationship, built up my friendships and learned from their post grad experiences, and I got my current job that I'm working at right now. 2023 so far has been me dealing with the transition of being in school to working fulltime and dealing with the peaceful and happy monotony of a stable life. And I feel like there is only so much I have to write about that. Not only that, but I feel that as my frontal lobe develops, there is less of my writing about my personal life that I want out in the internet. I don't feel like being the open book that I used to be before. I have taken the life purpose course a couple of times now mainly because I find myself back into the drawing board as I continue to grow and learn about myself in my 20s. I'm not going to give too much away regarding the life purpose course but I find that I have integrated a lot of the core concepts, I have a solid grasp on my values, and pretty solid impact statement. The part that trips me up is finding my strengths, the different life purpose exercises that have questions for you to think about and answer which can help you find your purpose, and the making it real section that makes the life purpose more tangible and practical. I find that my stengths and skills are evolving in the way that they present themselves and that my answers to the life purpose exercises change from year to year. And that's where my writing and my relationship to the act of writing comes in. Writing isn't the only way to manifest my strengths and skills nor is it consistent in my everchanging answers to the life purpose exercises. Before, I saw writing as a key part of my life purpose, but now I'm not entirely sure. I do see myself having an outlet for creative self expression throughout my life but similarly in the way that I pivoted from drawing to writing back in 2016, I can see myself pivoting once again to a new kind of skill in the future. While I did enjoy drawing when I was little and I was able to continue that for a solid 8 years, eventually it waned and I found myself never really going back because I found another outlet I wanted to explore instead. When I think of this pivot, I think of how Rihanna dedicated years of her life to her music and later became a makeup CEO, and she hasn't produced an album since 2016. And everyone keeps asking her when she will come up with new music and she just says "soon" with no elaboration even though its been like 7 years. I see myself going through something like that but on a much smaller scale lol. And I think I might be going through that again. I don't know if this is going to be an end to my writing era and what the next thing will be. I don't know if this is my going through a period of being uninspired. I don't know if I'm outgrowing this medium because of where I'm at with my life regarding self development and stability. I don't know where my relationship with writing is going. All I know is that it's going somewhere and there are changes in the horizon.

I am aware of her content and watched some of it out of morbid curiosity. She is one of those people who uses stage green terminology and buzz words to mask stage blue concepts to make them seem more palatable and progressive. I would say that nowadays this is becoming common in the "divine feminine / high value woman" circles as it is becoming more mainsteam and as people are having a backlash to stage orange girl boss "feminism". I put the "divine feminine/ high value woman" stuff in parentesis because those things are real but not as these stage blue masquerading as stage green portray it to be. I also put "feminism" in parentesis when referring to the girl boss variety beause I don't think that inclusive feminism that is for the liberation of all women really flourishes under the girl boss mindset.

Just thought this video was interesting

What I Like About My Current Relationship 1. We can be silly with each other and we have a lighthearted relationship. I often feel like my inner child is being cared for and is enjoying this relationship. We can be fully ourselves and embrace the childlike parts of ourselves and just be silly when we flirt with each other. 2. We have a solid foundation outside of sex. Due to various circumstances, unfortunately I don't have the means to have sex or do many sexual things with this person. But this has forced us to focus on other aread of our relationship. I feel like we have a very strong foundation of friendship, communication, knowledge of each other, and generally love every bit of each other because we were forced to slow down and pay attention to that stuff first. 3. We have similar communication styles due to both of us having ADHD. I think going forward I would want a man who is also neurodivergent in some kind of way because I notice that it's easier to communicate with them, we relate to each other more on shared experiences, and we can stim and be weird with each other in a comfortable setting. 4. We have created a safe place for each other where we are nonjudgemental and can talk about most things. We have shared parts of our day together, the different issues we dealt with as far as trauma goes, kinks, people we have liked and dated in the past, and more. We also shared all of this in a reasonable pace as we got to know each other. I am very comfortable with opening up to this person and I know he feels the same with me. And even when it comes to things that we are insecure about, while we know we can't fix this in the other person, we know that we support one another and as a result, we both feel very loved and comfortable because we know the other person isn't looking at us the way we see ourselves. We are also very consistent with one another and are very proactive in keeping up with the relationship. We never played hot or cold, we never acted in passive aggressive ways when something was bothering us, and we both do a good job at communicating our needs. This also translates into the bedroom because we don't have any shame around each other which helps us be open in communicating what we like and don't like as well as knowing if we're doing a good job. 5. We can talk for hours without realizing it. Time flies so fast when I'm with this person. I can enjoy talking to him or sitting in silence with him. I just really enjoy his presance. 6. We look forward to seeing each other and spending time with one another but we very much still have our own lives. We meet up once a week usually, twice a week if we are lucky. It's something I know that I can look forward to because it's so reliable and a part of our schedule. But it isn't so often to where I feel stifled or that other areas of my life are getting neglected. We talk on the daily basis through text and share little parts of our day. 7. We both have similar values. I feel like I'm on the same page as him on most things and I think it adds a degree of relatability to our relationship even if we have very different life experiences. It also makes me feel safe around him because I know that we have similar degrees of integrity. 8. We're both committed to working on this relationship and showing up as a better partner and we check in on each other on a regular basis. We check in regarding things that we both could do better in the relationship, we check in with one another on how the other person is feeling on a daily basis, and we reflect and communicate how we feel as the relationship progresses. And none of these things feel like big, daunting conversations (it's not like either of us pulls the "we need to talk" phrase and keeps the other person in suspense for a couple days). We just bring these things up and work them into a conversation and as a result, it feels casual, not in the sense that it isn't serious, but in the sense that it is not intimidating to either of us. As a result, we talk about things before they get heated or turn into an arguement (we haven't had an arguement yet and we've been together for almost a year). If I had any comments or concerns about him or the relationship, we can clear the air really quickly and resolve the issue for the most part. Everytime I felt like I was picking up on a red or yellow flag, we had a 10-15 min conversation about it and it was resolved so quickly to where we felt like we were both on the same page and we found a solution. This also translates into the bedroom where we both want to please each other, we both check in to see how the other person is doing and what they're comfortable with, and we continously communicate. 9. We respect each other's boundaries and we let each other fall in love in our own pace. One of the biggest green flags I saw with him was that when he said I love you for the first time and I told him that I really care about him but I don't feel like I'm at the point where I feel comfortable saying it, he was very understanding and nonjudgemental. He was secure in the relationship and he let me fall in love at my own pace.

Some Videos I Liked I came to the realization lately on how it's important to prioritize your wants because we all deserve to aim for something more than just survival. I've been getting a little bit more intune with what I want lately after graduating and getting a stable job since I'm not in survival mode as much anymore. I also think that my previous unhealthy relationship with spirituality still has me in this habit of trying to let go of my desires. I found this video helpful in terms of me prioritizing my wants: I also had the habit in the past of wanting to "get my life together" and had this need to be competent due to a variety of factors. I found this video to be really comforting even though I don't really need it anymore. I wish I could send this message to my younger self. This video made me happy. In the past I very much had this outlook of trying to find my perfect sense of style according to what was considered flattering on me. But Katherine here just looks so happy in the self-expression of it all and that was very uplifting in my soul. I loved watching her get excited over different pieces. I don't think I have a similar style as her. I feel like my dream style is looking like a Pokemon gym leader and my style inspiration is Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place lmao.

I feel like most of the women I saw starting out in Actualized.org like 3 years ago have since left at different times. Sometimes it feels like I'm the last one left here and I have significantly decreased my time spent here and mainly stay in the journaling section now. I wasn't really sure where to put this thread tbh.

I did some tasks at my job, got off of work, got a work out in, had dinner, and now I feel like I've come back to a cluster fuck after stepping away for a few hours. Mods, can we please close this thread @puporing @Sincerity ? I think this has gotten out of hand.

Hey, it's nice to hear from you again. I'm so sorry about the harassment experience though. Yeah.. I really don't expect much from this forum regarding making this a more inclusive space for women. If I remember correctly, there is an effort towards more moderation. I just get weirded out by the topics related to Andrew Tate and other similar creators. I don't think that most people on here supports that kind of rhetoric but the loudest voices are the ones who often get seen. I know I'm not the only woman on here. I suppose it feels this way since many of us usually hang out in the journalling section and because I'm not on here as much as I used to be.

@Sincerity I see many of the women that were mentioned here are posting in the journals section. That's interesting. I think I'm going check out their stuff. I haven't been actively reading journals lately

I disagree with this statement. I would argue that women are more likely to engage in self improvement because we are socialized to be more vulnerable, build deep lasting realtionships where we grow with other people, and get professional help in the form of therapy. Women are more likely to get therapy when they need it. I'd argue this causes women to reflect more and learn from their life experiences going forward. But generally speaking, women and men aren't more or less "wired" than each other to aim towards self improvment. This isn't something that is inherent to either gender. I do notice the forum quieting down after they left. But the first women who come to mind are Etherial Cat, Modmyth, and Mikyoko . I also don't think I see mandyjw here in a while.

That just sounds fake and like a weird fantasy. I would've kept that to myself my guy There's nothing wrong with caring about relationships and human interactions. It's an overall positive. But to assert that this is biology is just a weird take. There are men who were taught to value relationships and expressing themselves to where they can have healthy, deep fufilling relationships. Men aren't inherently loners. A lot of it comes out from stereotypes around stoicism and how men are taught to favor domination over connection and supression over expression. At this point, women are more educated then men in terms of educational attainment so the arguement they aren't interested in intellectual matters is wrong. And also, what makes socializing and intellectual pursuits contridictory? There is great intelligence in the way that people interact with one another and create social systems. As much as I love writing here, I do feel that if someone I knew irl saw me here, it would just be awkward because to normies this can look like a incelly/ pick up artist forum with drugs mixed in. I'm not saying that this forum is that or that normie views are 100% accurate, but I am saying that to a certain extent, it's normal and expected that the average person would be weirded out by some of the conversations here. And I wouldn't even say the feminine is repulsed by it. I don't think it's limitted to the feminine. I know guys in my life and other people who lean more masculine who would be weirded out by stuff on this forum. Makes sense. Yeah, speaking up has gotten exhausting. Emerald, from what I remember, has mentioned that she likes sparring so that's another thing. Good for her I guess. And I find it to be quite dismissive to assume that there aren't more women on here because of "a lack of consciousness" as if the men on here are more concious than the average person irl. No offense, but some of yall are below average and I have met more well adjusted individuals irl. I don't know many men who prescribe to anything on the manosphere and thinks that whole thing is a laughing stock. Then again I do realize some selection bias comes into play. But at the same time I doubt guys on here represent "the average guy" ya know?

@Jowblob bruhh... have you even talked to a woman lol like you literally can't see beyond the most trite sterotypes. What is your so called research? Podcast bros? Andrew Tate LMAOO?

I've thought of that too. I'm mainly still here for the journaling section and because I have questions here and there that I feel is nice to talk to some people here. I'm told we're all soy boys here. Someone must be lying. I mean... you don't have to be some kind of ideal giga chad to be so masculine to where you can't function. "Geek" masculinity can still have toxic elements. You can be a "soy boy" and still be misogynistic and awful to be around lol. Nice to meet you I feel myself slowly turning into a lurker. I 100% think that it says something about the forum that there aren't as many women here and how so many seem to leave after some time. LMAOOO

There it is...... yikes where do we even begin unpacking smh

@MuadDib I appreciate it. @Jwayne I get having an area of life that people are having issues with and not having role models. I mean, you can find that type of thing easily irl. But a lot of people are unempathetic and just have really weird views. I posted a thread asking where the women on this forum are and one of the comments are Here is said weirdo energy^^ There is just so many fucked up stereotypes here that idek where to begin unpack...

The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. I don't know what distorts my perception of men more, the men on this forum or the men in my real life. The men on this forum are really icky and lacking in self awareness. The fact that there are so many people defending Andrew Tate is nuts. Not to mention the hundreds of posts that lack self awarenss regarding basic social issues and social settings. Some of these threads get pretty disturbing as well. My mind goes to this thread that was started about a guy who felt victimized by his girlfriend getting raped because that meant that another man touched his woman. I remember this thread more clearly while the rest of the posts blur together mainly because I remember that thread being the last straw for many women on this forum. The majority of women who I was cool with here are gone now. I myself don't contribute to conversations much any more (though I doubt any one reads or takes me seriously when I do post) and I keep to myself in my journals more nowadays. I have written in the past how this forum distorted my view of men during the pandemic because this was my main exposure to men during that short period of time. Long story short, sticking around in this forum made me cynical about men, made me not like myself very much and view myself through an objectifying lens, and I found myself feeling on guard in my regular life. Basically, I needed to touch grass lol. And talking to my friend's brothers and meeting men irl helped a lot in terms of the things listed previously. ] Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum. They aren't trying to be alpha males, they aren't trying to "socially calibrate themselves" and learn game, they are friends with women, they understand social issues, they have career goals and self development aspirations in the form of therapy and reflection, and just all around they are normal well adjusted people with goals in their lives. They still like video games, hang out on reddit, and do I guess other traditionally male online activities but they aren't chronically online and know how to engage with other people of either gender platonically and romantically. And I wouldn't say that these are the top tier men. They're just normal well adjusted guys to me. But I feel like if they were on this forum they would look like some well integrated god of some sort. I feel like the guys on this forum are particularly bad due to the incel and pick up artist rhetoric and how spirituality can attract broken people, but I guess I find myself wondering, what even is a normal guy? Are the guys on this forum worse than the average guy? Are they the average? Are they guys I meet in my real life average guys or better than the average due to my own selection bias? Like my current boyfriend would never in a million years be associated with a guy who is a fan of Andrew Tate or any other podcast bro and often makes fun of guys like that. He is aware of the manosphere in the same way I am and while he can empathize with them to a certain extent, he does ultimately see them as a collection of clowns and walking red flags. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of men aren't like my boyfriend, I have gone on dates with guys who turned out to be really weird before, but I'm using him as an example because currently, he is a man whom I am the most closest to. But yeah, for a forum that centers around self improvment, being higher consciousness, and critiquing society's low consciousness ways, it sure has a lot of people who have their EQ in the gutter. I also wonder what Leo's social life looks like to a certain degree and how it coinceides with the characters I have met on this forum. If it is anything at all like the dynamics here, no wonder he thinks the average person is shitty and that he's so much better than everyone. It's because he is surrounded by scummy people. I don't know what that says about him and again I'm talking about hypotheticals but yeah.... this forum doesn't have many self-aware much less self actualized people and is often a hostile place for women. I suppose the main reason I stick around is because of my journal. I do enjoy writing on here and I find myself ignoring most of the chatter here because I'm emotionally exhausted to where I cannot bother to care (and because many of the discussions are pretty low quality tbh). I wonder how long I'm going to stick around and if it's even worth it for me being here now that most of the people I liked and engaged with basically left this place. I wonder if anything I even say on this forum or in my journal even matters or if anyone actually reads it anymore tbh. It kind of feels like me talking to the void. I'm alright with that but I wonder when I will naturally stop posting here as well.