trenton

May 9, 2020 Starting with the beginning of the day, I managed to put in 20 minutes of meditation. I think this overall improved the quality of my day. I did not yet check out the going Buddha challenge. Maybe I will. While observing myself throughout the day, I watched how I had jolts of anger flowing through me in reaction to comments made by people I imagined. I used to let it flow and leave. I watched even closer and saw that my capacity for control is even greater than that. I am actually generating the jolt. This is the next level I would like to move toward. This way I do not need to cause myself to worry about if I say or do something harmful because I would not be worried unless I actively create this entire problem of seemingly knee jerk reactions. The solution is to love myself more. At work I wiped down carts for 6 hours. This job is not particularly fun, but at least I am helpful to mankind. Somebody spilled spaghetti sauce on the carpet. This was my must annoying clean up yet. Surprisingly, the mop was very helpful in this case. I am also hearing my self talk. It usually is unnecessarily negative. It is like I am unenthusiastic about going to work under any circumstances. I think that this makes my experience more unpleasant, and I would like to have a more pleasant and resourceful attitude. The solution is to love myself more. Finally I got home and eventually found somebody online to play chess with. I would like to note that my emotional reactions to the game are still strong. I was still unable to get a hold of the master, but this guy was also decent. He played the benko gambit against me and I have a really bad track record with this opening. I often manage to get a huge advantage provided I play properly, but the queenside pressure is so much that it gets complicated. I made several oversights and so did my opponent. I at one point had a completely winning position. I was unable to convert this complicated victory and eventually lost. I had a draw at one point and I still lost it. Firstly, loving myself more would help. Secondly, I feel like I should invent my own approach to this system to see if I can get a decent plus without taking so much risk. I am also thinking that whatever weakness I have with these positions, I will have to resolve it at some point. I am wondering if the fact that I play these games while sitting on my bed makes me less sharp. Maybe I should sit at the desk to see.If that makes any difference. Possibly my diet and exercise are interfering with my game. Vitamins are also crucial. The more intense you get the more you need to love yourself. That is my intention.

May 8, 2020 I could not type yesterday because I visited my grandmother and did not get home until midnight. I will have to type what I remember. I woke up ready to challenge the FIDE master, but he had the time confused because he lives in Russia. Instead I found another strong player who if I had defeated, then I would likely be in the top 200. I was really close to winning and played very well until I got low on time. This is a very possible cause of my three consecutive blunders which lost me the game. I need to play faster and sharper if I want to avoid this recurring problem for me that loses me won games. I was annoyed at the loss and practiced letting go again. I notice how frustration does not help me to focus and play well, and is therefore a possible obstacle to my goal. I also realized that negative motivation has a glass ceiling and positive motivation is much stronger. I know that there may be disappointing losses, but this is part of the process which makes me even stronger. If losses are approached in the most loving way possible this is a good opportunity for growth. I then found myself getting sucked into the drama of an intense game where I refuse to draw and have an angry look on my face. People sometimes get scared as I do everything I can to win. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it gets me nice results. I may observe the emotions. A tournament director also told me he knew I would win by the look on my eyes when I first signed up, and he was right. If a chess game gets intense enough maybe it triggers a fight or flight response. I went to visit my grandmother with my sisters. I played on the Xbox with my brother and we played star wars battle front 2. Charlie, who recently turned 12, had some close calls and lucky victories. I could pretty much guarantee a victory in this difficulty. I never beat this game on elite mode. My cousin Joey enjoyed the battle of Hoth. Meanwhile, I thought the capture of princess Leia was crazy. Sometimes we were interrupted by my grandmother's and sister's crying so we paused to comfort her. They decided to bury dad with his favorite Darth Maul lightsaber. I also needed to message some of dad's friends to tell them that he died. I noticed that the way I experienced awareness and processed my emotions have been evolving. It is hard to explain it you don't feel my feelings. It was easier to observe myself without judgment and control my emotions while remaining peaceful. I am more carefully understanding how I create my own emotions. Charlie was about to get in the car to drive home when he expressed how he was upset with my sisters for not leaving sooner. I told him to observe himself carefully and notice how If he talks like this during the ride it would make the trip more unpleasant. We spoke quietly in the backseat as I was able to express my vision for the family. My sisters may dismiss what I try to do when they fight as me wanting them to shut up. Really I am watching them suffer and I see how their fighting makes them more and more upset with no solution. I have my own limited consciousness in terms of how much I can help them which is why I explained the value of self observation to help control one's emotions and avoid harmful judgement. For example, Charlie said they were stupid and I let him know that this speech never makes a heated argument better. My brother gets wrapped up in lying and hatred, so it would be valuable for him and the rest of the family if I managed to get through to him. He seems to understand, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing his own self deception yet. All of this is also for the love of my family where ever I can reduce suffering. I hope I have improved the trajectory of all of our lives. In order to maximize my own consciousness, I am seeing more and more value in meditation. I am starting to meditate more. At least 20 minutes a day instead of 7-10. It is hard to squeeze in an hour straight sometimes, but I can definitely do it. I sometimes leave for work at 6a.m. It can't always be morning. You are what you are.

May 7, 2020 Today I went back to work and wiped down carts for 6 hours. In my mind I was laughing at low brow humor again with my head on that topic. I notice how easily my mind gets sucked into a thought storm and how it does not simply switch off. I see how it leads to lying in many forms while undermining any sense of integrity. It includes exageration, ulterior motives, and ideology. "A man should be judged by the size of heart." Creating a self image supported by a philosophical assertion. Side note: I just now researched "alterior" vs "ulterior" , I am still learning English. Eventually I broke free of the spell and I continued letting go of my defense mechanisms. I also got the idea that I could create the ability to experience attachment and detachment. Sometimes proposing like they live in a very different world and it could be interesting to use this lens or connect with their emotions. In the process I may detach especially when any pattern starts to feel like it burns or builds up various lies. When I got home I played a chess game where I focused like a laser beam. This level of focus was created by the past humiliation. I played a tense game against a decent opponent. I made two mistakes in this game and my opponent complemented my accuracy where I played very well. He was on a losing streak and he was happy that I told him he played a good game. If I did not find a sharp move, then I would have been in trouble. One thing I learned from the game is that I made superfluous calculations. I calculated one move I could play and one response from white where he came out on top. I then calculated another move he could play, but it was an unnecessary waste of time of I already found a way for him to be better. I can use this information to save time and calculate faster and more efficiently. I like encouraging others and helping them to become stronger. I continued observing my deeply rooted sense of self promotion. This means pushing my worldview over someone else's and how bad I feel and burn as I do that. It is hard to let go of all of these instincts and I cry as I notice how deeply rooted this suffering and dirty feeling is when asserting my perspective, no matter if I am right or wrong. It is the source of rationalizations and story making. This is what I am letting go little by little every day. I used to think that I really wanted to be right because I needed truth for Truth's sake in order to solve anything. Even if I think I am right I still feel dirty arguing with others over politics, religion, and philosophy. From the point of view of actualized.org I am letting go of survival. I see that in some ways of survival does not serve truth and therefore leads to falsehood. To me it is like letting go of something that is only an illusion and was never there which caused me self generated suffering. This might be what spirituality calls ego, and I may not fully grasp the depth of this issue. Other than all of this I had a good time watching Harry Potter with my family. I noticed things about the plot I didn't realize before while deleted scenes were added. Harry Potter yelling at Tom Riddle reminded me of me and it was burning. I do this because I love you.

@JosephKnecht i asked myself what is being survived. If I can see that my self image is imaginary and what is supposedly being survived, then I see that really nothing is being survived except a mask or lie. From this point of view it does not make sense to fear for my survival which is why it would be a lie. How do you know when you let go of survival and what is it like to live life that way? It would be interesting to see this.

I had an interesting story today where I noticed how easy it is to make myself confuse truth and falsehood. I went out on a walk and noticed a graveyard. I began looking around until I had a feeling that I should not be there. I imagined somebody telling me that I was in private property and that I needed to leave immediately. I crossed the street and looked at the scenery. When I walked away from the new building I was standing by I realized it said no trespassing. I left that building next and walked around the area, back in the main road. I saw another road and walked down enough to read a sign that said "cemetery use only, others will be prosecuted" . I left immediately. The possibility that I could be prosecuted lead me to fabricating and rationalizing. I knew the stories were lies, but labeling this process lying did not seem to stop it. So many fabrications came up that for a brief moment I confused it with what was true until I remembered. I finally stopped trying to stop myself from lying and then it stopped. How do you stop lying when your survival is threatened? What is being survived?

May 6, 2020 Today I needed to work again. I was bored of wiping everything down, but at least I have a job. My sister spends a lot of money, and she is very annoyed that she does not have money to spend without her job. My father has a good quote for his grave stone. "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" from Yoda. It reminds me of the true self. Yoda also spoke about how connected everything is until it sounded more and more like metaphysics and spirituality. I contemplated how fundamentally my behaviors such as performing the awareness exercises, reading about spirituality, and self reflecting were ultimately based on the belief that it is worth my while. I noticed how I had to believe there was some truth to all of this in order to do any of this work, otherwise I would have dismissed it. This faith becomes a source of ideology. It also makes me feel delusional should I start theory building and intellectualizing in order to make sense of it all. Maybe it does not make sense and the mystics and gurus did not have it right about God. I wondered if I could let go of all of this. For me accepting it as it is leads it to fading so change can occur. something I notice is that the physical sensations in my head are constantly changing and I feel different. I feel lighter and I would almost say numb. There is tingling around my head as I feel the pressure and my mind becomes quieter as a general trend. I think I could expand my awareness to the rest of my body. I would like to ensure that my sense of self is not habitually limited to the brain, and I can feel beyond that. Sometimes I cry when feeling body tension. I reflected in my life purpose and remembered how I wanted to be a politician. I decided not to do it because it was impractical. This stunts my creativity and leads to me focusing on negatives and selfishness related to this goal in order to tell myself it is bad. All of this is lying and I forgot. Yes I am corruptible, and self reflection helps me to address that. I am not really as bad of a person as I paint myself to be and if I do then I am stuck so long as I am against myself. The reason I am interested in politics is something much more powerful. I view it as the potential to do something great for everybody by learning to let go of all of your own biases and opinions. It can be used badly, but I like the methods of being open minded and detecting the greatest good for the greatest number. There is no one and only way I have to go. Finally, I released a story on rationalizations. It is in the actualization forum. I could feel sensations inside my head as I let go of my lying for my survival. It is like a bubble coming up and vanishing. This happens a lot when I feel inside my head. I have been saying I love you more often to my family. It feels a little weird to say I love to myself so I will try something else. You are who you are.

@Raptorsin7 thanks for your encouragement. One of the recent challenges is getting paired with stronger opponents. I am approaching the far right of the bell curve in terms of player rating. This makes it harder to find people closer to my level sometimes. Now I am using multiple sites to find players online on those sites who are stronger. Today I did not get a match. I may need to send direct challenges to players rated 2300-2400.

May 5, 2020 For most of the day I was at home playing chess. I am 10 points shy of being in the top 200 lichess. I still lose often against opponents rated more than 100 points higher than me. One strong opponent told me that I was not taking all of my options into account, and I was left with a false choice as to what was the best move. I continued reading the book of not knowing and I found it confusing in the analogies it tried to draw. Apart from this it can be said that my growth is limited by following a routine that when I try to shake makes me suffer if I don't allow natural evolution. I feel like I somewhat have a sense of how I work and I have been trying to figure this out for years. How to work optimally might be a nice goal. Getting comfortable does not work for me. I feel like I'm starting to slack and I don't want that. One small helpful insight was that my only problem is that I suggest that there is something wrong or bad about me. This creates a lot of my problems because of how I react and judge myself thus creating more problems. This would otherwise one minimized. Love you.

May 4, 2020 First, I went to work where for much of the day I was in a distant world. This serves a function of helping me pass time. I wondered what would happen if I let it go and acted differently. I noticed my bursts of energy again which might be what allows people to figure out I have autism. I try not to worry about controlling all of these behaviors because the harder I try the more painful it becomes. I gradually change little by little as I slowly become less socially awkward. When I got home I continued helping a man online research the stone wall Dutch in chess. I used the strategy I found to win a game against a decent opponent and shared it with the man I was helping. It was also my brother's birthday. His cake was good, but I get used to birthday celebrations and they no longer seem super awesome. I am now realizing that I may not appear to be living my life in the best way possible. The problem is trying too hard to change does not always work for me. If I don't force myself to change and allow it naturally, my chances of living a good life are better. Good luck.

May 3, 2020 I first woke up at about five to go to work and was exhausted. I continued self reflection later in the day after being sucked into the internet for hours on toughty2 videos. I noticed that I am strongly run by my emotions and it is an obstacle to doing something like writing a book. I may not always feel like reading and writing, thus I don't. I noticed that I tend to self reflect with lenses that do not for my typical life story, yet I am not close minded to them and I still manage to integrate them even if they feel untrue to my pre-existing web of beliefs. It is hard to remember what this insight was, and there were several like these, but they are brief. I then continued reading the book of not knowing and learned more about the real self. It is too much to explain here, but the self is conceptual and being is without concept. I further let go of my conceptual identity to be more aligned with actuality. All of the beliefs and unravelled are too numerous, but I brings me closer to peace as I recognize that the idea of the false self feels false to me because it goes against my pre existing beliefs. Finally for chess, I was strongly focused and had chances, but unfortunately blundered against an opponent rated 2400. I felt mad, but I reflected in how effective anger is for advancing my agenda. It usually backfires and does not help. When it does work, I feel dirty about my success. One example of what happened in the past is too complicated for now. I will go to bed, I'm tired. Love you

May 2, 2020 I visited my grandmother so my sister and I could give her a gift of 100 dollars each to help pay for the funeral. She had received over 1000 dollars in donations on Facebook, but scammers are copying her name and trying to get people to donate to them. They are being investigated and I reported the fake account as well. While visiting I went on a walk and crashed a party. There was a musician in the road singing and I walked up and started dancing. This made the experience awesome for everyone. I then played videogames with my brother until we left. My sisters started fighting in the way home, and I could not do anything to stop it. I sometimes can't tell if I make the situation better or worse. At least my opinion influences how are conversations are moving. I notice that I am becoming more social as I become more authentic. I usually trap my self in my room away from everyone and stay away. I would be very quiet and sometimes socially awkward. Sometimes I say stupid things that don't help, but I am not afraid of looking stupid so long as I realize it and grow. I think as my mind and worldview begin to have a louder voice in the conversations, I can ultimately reduce the suffering of my family. I am saying I love you more often to my family. Perhaps In am gradually transferring the deeper wisdom to them, but my constant self reflection is needed. I used to be very shy and withdrawn, this is an interesting development. If I limit my love to me, it is limited and insincere. As I expand, the more authentic I can be. One challenge is that I am constantly misinterpreted and misunderstood when we make assumptions about each other's knowledge and motives. Sometimes they start to seem stubborn, but then I just kind of give up on trying to convince them to see my perspective. My love expands.

I noticed that the possibility of me being a millionaire feels unrealistic to me because I currently have an associate degree from a community in college in general studies. My direct experience tells me that right now I am working at a grocery store for very low pay. One reason I would want to become a millionaire is so that I can afford all of these retreats, travel around the world, or see if psychedelics actually do verify the existence of God where they are legal. I am not attached to money, but my growth is seriously limited if my life is limited to my local area. It is limiting my happiness and fulfillment, which is why money is a resource I may need to leverage in order seek truth. Travelling is one of the major things I want to be able to do, but I can't realistically save enough by bagging groceries. What sources would you use?

May 2, 2020 So far today, I am more strongly noticing how my mind gets sucked into a thought. I love it as it arises, and let it go. This was a lesson mentioned somewhere, but I did not see the lesson. This is part of becoming an emotional conductor and a thought conductor. My awareness and relationship to thought is changing. I am still a little embarrassed about yesterday, but I am not paralyzed. I may type more later today. I will not limit love to myself. I love beyond myself.

May 1, 2020 Sorry for not writing this last night, I was paralyzed by my embarrassment, and my mind could not move after typing it. Basically, I woke up yesterday morning with my head in the gutter. I could not focus on anything else for a while. I could not read or play chess because when I did I blew a game against what would have been my highest rated victory. My mind froze when I tried to continue typing. Telling the truth heals and grows me. I have nothing else to lose with brutal honesty. The rest of the day was better. I realized that unconditional love must apply to all of existence or it becomes relative love. Relative love feels dirty to me because it is limited and self serving. I may surrender this to understand unconditional love. This includes good and bad. One paradox is that I have a harder time engaging in relative love when it feels dishonest and inauthentic. What moved me away from what happened this morning is that it gradually was revealed as more inauthentic and the mask was unstuck. I also questioned conformity. I realized that my inquiry is often structured in a way that it makes me feel that I am conforming to other enlightened people. This was an implicit motive that limited my growth. It became a source of ideology because it holds the enlightened perspective as a higher good. I don't care what my results are or what kind of person I end up being. If I have a goal of being like somebody else, then I will never be authentic. I must drop any idols I have if I want to be authentic. Another example of conformity is the fact that all of my political positions focus on the United States. This focus is caused by the culture. Because many people around me talked about the government when I was a child, it made me feel that I would be more important if I were President. This became an expression of ego, but it leads to dreaming about unrealistic goals that keep me stuck. In order to be more authentic my inquire should have no goal for me to be any particular way. The fact that I am focusing on dissolving ego suggests that I assumed truth in spirituality, but I do not know that it is true. Finally, at the end of the day, my brother for info trouble for a comment which could be interpreted as racist. He emphasized the fact the a group of people were Mexican and seemed to be talking down. I was looking out for his best interest and I encouraged him to stop talking like that. We got into a long discussions about political correctness. I was unable to describe the complexity of the issue in a few sentences at a time. I would have to write everything down to avoid being taken the wrong way. My family said they would not read it because I include too much in my effort to be impartial. To say "I love you" creates a limitation because what I call real love is not limited to me. I accept reality as it is unconditionally.

April 30, 2020 First the bad news that I prepared for was that my father passed away because of abdominal cancer. I am continuing to observe myself for any sense of grief so that I may release it. Maybe this can make me more effective at helping the rest of the family to heal as well. I did not let this get me down too much, and I continued with self actualization work. Most people probably would not like that I do this, but I don't have to be afraid of their opinion. I found a job opportunity for chess.com. I would have a remote job preparing videos for kids to help them learn. I filled out a request for the position with many questions because it is a full time job and I might have to compromise with my old job at Kroger. I would like this job more. So far I noticed some annoying features that kids probably like, and I will probably have to include them. From my self reflection I learned how to be more authentic. First, a funny example is how when Justin Bieber first became popular, all the men hated him. My culture thus taught me that this is proper, and I conformed to the behavior. Actually, I am not really threatened by love songs and boy bands and I have no serious issues with them. I don't care and they are not even as bad as my culture says. This little example could have big implications for all of your preferences and how your culture taught them to you. Ask yourself "is this really a problem or am I just being a conformist?" similarly, I wrote a letter for my father before he passed away. In this letter I forgave him for everything he ever did that the family judges him and hated for. I loved him unconditionally. This revealed the fact that I lie to myself to make myself more upset with people for their wrongs. I don't really hate those people as much as I say or act especially if I build up a sense of righteousness. I am actually more loving then I say or act like I am. It is painful for me to hate people for their actions, and it seems like a very common assumption in all of human culture. The same applies for the man who punched my mom in the face. I did not hate him as much as I acted because ultimately I sensed that I was lying to myself, but I was not as conscious of self deception and how to deal with it. My culture also taught me to demonize terrorists, but I don't hate them really. I'm just scared of what my culture would do if I actually said that to 100 Americans. As I become more authentic, I become more loving. My family thinks this is crazy, but I do this because I love them. I'm glad that I became authentic enough to forgive my father. The only regret is that I did not love him more years before when I did not develop a higher form of love and honesty. I still need work because we are deeply inauthentic. I love you.

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. I try to make it easier for the rest of my family to cope because they take it harder. I could offer some money to pitch in.for the service and continue offering hugs when possible. Maybe there are other methods that I do not know about and I may research them.

April 29, 2020 Lately I have noticed a general trend in my energy. As I get more and more burnt out, my mind becomes less and less focused. This is preventing me from becoming as conscious as I could. It decreases my capacity for self acceptance as I become less self reflective. I have one more early day at work tomorrow after which I have some time off finally. Personal development becomes more and more neurotic as I try to push myself to the level of working double when burning out, so this does not yet work for me. In theory a more powerful vision could change that. Meanwhile, the chess master I played a few days ago offered to help me learn chess in exchange for me helping him learn English. If I can get a hold of him, this will be my first chess coach, so I will not ignore this opportunity. Finally, my father is unable to speak. He can barely move and is expected to die some time tomorrow. I decided to keep what I wrote for dad away from the rest of the family. I should probably stay silent for the funeral to avoid bugging people. I have small amounts of grief for the situation, but my grandmother is much more distraught. A better focus would be to comfort her. I love you to my fullest capacity. You need rest.

April 28, 2020 I had an interesting day today. I started a topic about becoming a millionaire, and it seems to be getting a lot of attention. I also noticed that when I get too caught up in what goes on in the forum or in politics, my mind becomes very jumpy and stimulated. This prevents me from focusing my time and energy on the most effective way possible. My mind becomes very vulnerable to being sucked into debate as my mind gets attached to the ideology it created. this is a psychological pattern that is rooted all the way back when I was in school. My teachers would often call me out for being too stuck in Trenton land to focus on school. In this way my imagination creates a very compelling form of happiness strong enough for me to not care about the consequences. When I try to let this go, I notice how sometimes I start to swing the pendulum toward depression. I am rising above this extreme because it has no chance of improving the quality of my life. one vision I can create for myself is that I could be missing out on an even higher form of happiness that is different from my constant excitement. I understand that my excitement can be very helpful for getting me through a long day at Kroger while minimizing stress, but what if I could have a new even higher form of happiness? This is the question that needs to be answered to break myself out of his current worldview. My alternative is constant mental stimulation, that leaves me in my same patterns. I don't intend to threaten myself by questioning this paradigm, but I become more open when I imagine this new possibility. I also started to become more aware of how Leo's followers and I have created spiritual ideologies that inhibit our growth. I also further recognized the limitations of true beliefs and how being right is not everything. Being right can leave you unfulfilled with vacuous truth because you have limited yourself to a paradigm and in a sense trapped yourself. The first example is using spiritual truths to argue against the pursuit of a goal. I could start telling myself nothing matters, which although true can be used in a way that disempowers you, and limits your curiosity with which to explore life. Spirituality thus contradicts itself by being used to prevent you from taking responsibility for your life, and finding a life purpose. I realize there is no need to do these things, but it does not mean I should limit myself from them. We followers of actualized.org are unconscious that we are holding spirituality as a high good, and it causes us to think less of other paradigms and options, forgetting about relativism. Another example comes from politics which is how my mind for sucked into ideology on another front. There are true beliefs about the obstacles to becoming a millionaire. For example, but corporations lobby in order to skew the economy to their advantage. Although the belief is true, it can again be used to lock me in a powerless paradigm. This also prevents me from focusing on what is within my immediate control. One of the biggest caused of my wishful thinking stems from politics. I get fixated on how great it would be if lobbying were banned, but this could take decades. In this sense all of my political positions are meaningless and they can be used in a way to paradigm lock me or become a fruitless distraction with empty promise in terms of the gains which would be nice if they were true and we had the means. I remember I constructed this political identity out of self importance, and some of it may be a genuine concern for mankind, but I don't want it to stop me from writing a book. Finally, I notice that my mind is pulled by many goals. The book of not knowing, spirituality, God, psychology, writing a book, chess mastery, and many other things. I am becoming too broad to be effective, and I need to temporarily divide and combine to manage this complicated self mastery, which is what all of these goals fundamentally are. I notice my tone with myself is very judgemental. I am shifting into a paradigm of high performance, and I feel lost and confused about how to think, but my clarity is growing. When I rest it may become more clear over the next few days. I know it is hard, and it does not feel true now, but I will not hold you back. My behavior and jihad against myself is ultimately out of love. I love you.

@Raptorsin7 Thank you for your kind words. Currently my mind is used to being sporadic and unfocused. This becomes one of the reasons that my life remains the way it is, and my mind is great at making this happen. There is a sprawling issue of my psychology that is holding me back. I will explain in my next post. by "most rich people don't even love their loves" did you make a typo? What does it mean? Maybe their job is miserable. I will follow some advice. I can set the goal to type the book. I already have the book written and am putting it in Google docs. If I could type one chapter every time I have a day off, that would be incredible.

@UnconsciousHuman I recognize that pursuing money for the sake of money can become very empty and shallow. This seems to be what you are pointing to. In this case I am also recognizing that money is a resource that I can use in order to create the life experiences that I would like to create. For example, if you wanted to move to Sweden it could seem completely impossible if you do not have the resources to allow you to do that. Travelling can be a very fun experience, and you may enjoy your life more by doing this. I recognize that bliss is found in the present from another perspective, which means that I do not actually need to do this, but I would like to. The more I would like to do this, the more it inspires me to work.

So far I have received a lot of good information from this forum. I am recognizing that most people are locked in a paradigm that makes it impossible for them to be millionaire. The video about Kobe was painful, but very helpful. I recognized how my own psychology was making me trapped. I felt some shock waves coming up my spine, and much if felt mind bending, but very useful. Thanks to everyone so far.

I feel that on many occasions I am similar to a bullshitter. For example, I dream about things that would be nice if they were true, but have no realistic way of achieving them. This process is dangerous because it leaves me lost and I do not really have anything to do. I also have some qualities of a someone who is not a bullshitter. For example, if I love writing I can and have started typing parts of a book. If I love chess then I can and have studied it for hundreds of hours. What are some other traps that cause us to be bullshitters and how do we stop?

April 27, 2020 Today I opened my mind to the possibility that I could be a millionaire. I went about in completely the wrong way because I am vulnerable to wishful thinking. If I were able to overcome this, then I would have my life driven by a powerful vision, and I can let go of being lost in my thoughts and imagination of something I wish could be. This is what my life could become. Currently my job at Kroger has been painful. I had to wipe off carts for 7.5 hours. I was not happy with this. I might be happier with a book I can start writing now. I self reflected on love and realized that true love does not come from a place of lack of neediness which is why something felt off of about me saying I love you because I lacked love for myself and therefore wanted to love myself. I love you.

@fridjonk Thank you. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but I did not what. I love writing, and I could write book. I don't mean to be wrong, but I may not get to be a millionaire this way. The reason I love writing is because it helps me to understand myself. College courses don't really help me do that as much, but going back to major in business could be something I'm not really passionate about, but there is the pay off of I get used to it, and become passionate.

April 26, 2020 Today I maintained the typical attitude that I am constantly happy. Leo's video revealed that I was too attached to right and wrong, and thus overestimated how open minded I am. This is a skill that needs further development. The rest of the day was nothing special, and I notice myself losing interest in some of this work. I feel like I get sucked into my mind so much that I am run by many impulses. I have been getting a little bit better at listening to people, but I still slide. I am curious about what am I doing when I get thrown into my thoughts and chase and cling. This is often what it leads too. At the core of my thoughts, spirituality, God, Love and similar things are what my thoughts are about through most of any day. I am not clear if this is going astray, creating false growth, limiting me, or a sign of what I think is important. The meta problem may be monkey mind prior to any of the content. The challenging thing about my mind is that I am so happy that it leaves me unfocused. Is this true happiness? Is it a problem? My peers think it is weird that I am always happy, and I am not upset with them for thinking this. I often make them happy too because they do not understand how I am always happy. This is a recurring issue that I have not clarified or resolved. Nobody in my life has been as helpful as my own self reflection and this is how I intend to tackle this. I love you as far as I am capable.