trenton

May 25, 2020 I have been working very hard and I am getting stressed to tears. I struggle to drink enough water at work and I think they are about to bring the cooler back for the people bringing carts in. I had a headache during work and the manager said that I was working hard getting the carts. I think this was one of my first compliments I have been drinking a lot more water, but am not going to the bathroom very much. I still want to improve my sleep quality because I want to get better at chess. The more I sit in a chair instead of a bed the less my back hurts. I think this helps a lot. I am also asking my coach about dealing with the pressure to produce results from a paid product. It has background anxiety which can motivate me to study more, but I don't want it to be too much. I am trying to get advice from the coach on how to find the balance. I also notice that I am becoming less interested in YouTube and scary stories. I feel that relative to many of my objectives they are a waste of time. I did learn many things from the self observation that I performed during the stories. I noticed how the more sucked into the illusion i am the more afraid I get which is a form of fun. I noticed how keeping information implied makes things scary similar to a joke with a punchline ready to jump on you. I think this is a good idea if you are interested in creative writing. Fear is resolved by not identifying with the illusion. Maybe this could help in overcoming fear in enlightenment, but maybe it's not correct, I don't know. As for my chess games I lost a winning position on time against a weaker opponent. I was then badly crushed by a Canadian rates over 2400. I feel like white needed to find many only moves in order to survive in his excellent defense against the queen's gambit. I asked him for his advice on playing with white. I was interested in this system for black as well as it gives interesting chances to play for a win in sharp positions. He has a very new account and i noticed my mind consider the possibility that he's a cheat, but I quickly rejected the thought without checking. The underlying truth was "I don't know" but I acted like I knew. I now see that he made many studies which is evidence of a strong player. I also rejected the possibility of him cheating on part because worrying about if people are cheating against me or not does not help me improve. It becomes a distraction or in a sense a "lesser jihad.". I'm this way worry is useless. Who knew Islam applies to chess? My coach also thinks that I am a sharp tactical player. People create identities out of these labels of strategic vs tactical player. I recognize that the limitation is that people become afraid to play positional chess. This creates a weakness, but I am aware of it. I know chess is more complicated than that and tactics is simply a part that I emphasized in my games. I also had an interesting thought starting to occur. I have been looking at the news while eating, but the events beyond my control are irrelevant to me and they fill my head in a way that builds more stress. My mind said that I should make the practical decision to cut these things out for a less stressed life. The reaction for the thought was that it would be awesome for chess if I do that. I will allow myself to do this. Sometimes I feel like I am not serious enough about personal development. I will be careful not use the emotions created to push myself off balance. It would become neurotic as Leo would put it. From other people's point of view I think im serious. I don't need to worry about that thought too much. Everything I do in this work is because I love you. I think love is more than a feeling for you, but I do not fully understand it.

May 23-24 I did not do very much yesterday. I did type a little bit of the book and rediscovered the ways in which I psychologically program myself with good intentions. This includes using fear to propel me further rather than backward. This is by facing my fears and noticing that I have the capacity to be much stronger than my emotions make me feel. Self reflecting on This it is a potentially dangerous form of self manipulation. In this case it works fine and gives good results, but when too many programs are made they start to all fire at once. This leads to indecisiveness while being pulled in many directions. This leads to self judgement because of the unhealthy excesses that I give myself the stick as motivation. This leads to fear of myself rather than self love if I do not pay attention to these programs, all of which are intended to be useful acts rather than my true authentic self. Admittedly authentic vs. Inauthentic can be hard to tell if I'm not sure. I tried grinding my rapid rating closer to my classical rating, but I need to let go of results to make them more consistent. I will lose more of I keep expecting to win. Today I did my first session with my coach. We exchanged a lot of information about how I think. It would be too much to explain it all. We discussed how physical health impacts our game. Today I turned down ice cream from graters because it makes it harder to sleep and slows my thinking process in a chess game. I still had problems with sleep and had to be to work by 6a.m. The coach said stress from work worsens our chess game which makes me want even more a job I love. I don't want to be worse at chess because I work at kroger and therefore can't win more tournaments. I am getting better at reducing sugar because of chess which I recognized could help with personal development. My lower back hurts, but the less I stay in bed and the more in a chair the better it feels. This would not help my chess at all if I treat my body this way. One thing I like to reflect on is the source of the way in which I blame myself. I noticed that I have very little control over my thoughts and I can't always help but experience patterns and what I call stupid ideas. No matter how much I judge myself for what comes up it does not change anything. In fact I can recognize this judgement as an automated psychological reaction which I do not need to believe should I say I'm terrible. This has nothing to do with truth. My thoughts feel more stable the more my physical health improves. Yoga is still brutal. The hot weather makes it hard for me to get enough water to drink. One thing that troubles me is that I have a hard time telling if a chess course made me stronger or not. I consider the possibility that I feel stronger, but my practical results could end up the same. This makes me wait until a few tournaments to say for sure if I improved. Otherwise it is hard to tell if I feel stronger or I am actually stronger. The coach showed me a thinking system which if I use normally I would certainly be stronger. My job is to automate these skills and use them in all of my games. The most helpful too was find 3 candidate moves. I don't always do this and sometimes I struggle to find a third candidate move. When I did find additional options I often found a surprisingly strong move. I'm exhausted. I need rest. What I do is an expression of my capacity for love. I do not need to think of you as less or more for what you are currently capable of. All of my behaviors mean I love you more than the simple statement.

May 22, 2020 At the time of this post I am in the top 200. My rank is 186, two spaces under a WCM, a titled player. I must note that I got lucky in the last two games where my opponent could have won, but I barely got away before making a quick comeback and winning. I left a screen shot in an attached file. I realize there is much more to be done in chess coaching in tournaments to become the best player I can be. There will be many strong players who I struggle to beat convincingly, and I will continue practicing with them. At least I can say I set a goal and accomplished it. It helped that I was not thinking about the goal during the game as I focused carefully. Top 200.docx

May 21, 2020 Today I tried a couple of chess games in the morning. I may be able to set up coaching sessions tomorrow or the next day. One interesting paradox I am experiencing is the way in which I use lies to motivate myself toward truth. There are many examples. One example is how I pretend on some level that getting a high chess rating or title or something matters. I construct the disappointment in my losses which has built up envy in the past. This envy is what I create in order to use as a method for self improvement. The paradox emerges when the truth is that I don't care about these things, and when I let them go they come to me more easily. One example is letting go of how I am close to the top 200 because I realize it is all a game. A bigger example is how I construct a spiritual ego and why I built it. First I started imagining that the truth was something good or in some way special. By imagining that truth is good my mind is able to lie and manipulate myself in such a way that I behave in a way that furthers the agenda I labeled good. Spiritual ego is riddled with lies in that I don't care about truth. I don't even care about reducing suffering as I realized that my mind creates this by causing it to be hard for me to let certain things go because I imagine it to be hard. I thus manipulate myself for the sake of truth, but it becomes an ego or identity with the function of causing me to seek God. This also becomes a source of ideology. The paradox continues in that I don't care about truth, but the truth is that this helps me to let go of self manipulation which becomes an obstacle to truth with the intention of aligning myself with truth as I say I care. Actually I am closer to truth without this mechanism with which I lie to myself. It does not matter that I become more aligned with truth, and it becomes harder to tell if I care or don't care. I think it is both answers depending on the point of view. The part that makes tears swell is the fact that I have manipulated myself constantly for years. All of this was with intention of causing me to behave in a way that I believed to be good, but it caused so much lying and self generated suffering that I don't really create if I let go of the fact that that is from a certain point of view. It is a paradox again. I can forgive myself because I realize that all of this was a form of love backfiring in a way that I tore myself apart. My mind was pulled in many directions as I sought self improvement through being against myself in a way that I hurt myself. (Hurt myself, but not really, it is complicated.) Beyond this self reflection which I think is good, I meditated with my sister again. She is stressed because the birth control pills are making her fat and she wants to work out. Granny is happy with the relationship being built, but so far she can't stand more than five minutes of meditation. We can grow our consciousness together as I become healthier to improve my chess play. Ego is manipulating me in this process by causing me to be fit. I feel like crying when I let go of this manipulation to see what naturally happens to me. Do I actually care about myself? I love you in the sense that I don't care about you, but I was able to pretend I care about you so I could create a form of love from that perspective. Without lies, I am left with silence peace and an inner light. The sense of ego that comes up is that I am closer to truth. I don't need this. I love you without lies and I don't need to care about you to love you. That is how I love you.

May 20, 2020 I am continuing to contact a chess coach. He will send me an email tomorrow. He has analyzed 4 of my recent losses. The Fide Master said that I am describing a common problem with decision making. People often limit their choices too much, but I need to stretch my brain to improve how I think. What is the significance of improving how I think? What ramifications can it have in life? This whole process encourages diet and exercise. My older sister seems to be moving up the spiral as well, and she is close minded to spiral dynamics anyway which I find amazing. She is installing a meditation and yoga habit. The meditation is only 5 minutes, but I will be doing them with her anyway. The yoga I did with her was brutal for both of us. I can't bend my body the same way the woman in the video bends her body. This improves my health and impacts my sleep and chess play ultimately. We will be encouraging each other. She also gets annoyed by how much I stay in my room isolated from her. This way we can build a better relationship and become more loving humans. We are integrating stage green, but she is unaware of the paradigm. I will also show my sister a video on proper breathing. The navy seals and marines are aware of this health issue. I noticed her dysfunctional breathing. I am still working on it. I did not type my book today. I could have done it at 8 o'clock after work, but I was outside. My work was 9-5. Dinner was at 6. I played a chess game and then did yoga. This leaves little time, but I have a way that will be easier on certain days. I would also like to let go of self deceptions that come up easily in politics. This creates clutter and the massive amounts of judgements and opinions being conflated with reality make it hard to think straight. I also like to admit that so many factors are at play that I do not actually know which stance is "right". Sometimes I can't actually be right from one partial perspective. The most clear example is the point at which not murder becomes murder. I don't know these things and I would like to let go while becoming more in touch with reality. Politics becomes ideological baggage and a lesser jihad. I did come up with a hilarious video game that would be awesome if it were real. I will take it one step at a time because I am a somewhat busy person. This is a video game about politics. What happens is you choose team democrats or republicans or be an independent avatar. You then select the most persuasive dialogue to make your opponent's health bar go down as the American people cheer for you. You store up mana to use special moves like mud shot or propaganda to knock the opponent off balance. Most hilariously you can take a position from a lobbyist to receive power ups. Campaign contributions give you advertising to make you popular. This can boost your health bar or increase you attack or defense stats when mud slinging. As you out debate your opponent they get struck by fire balls and lightning as they cover their face in shame. If you say something stupid Americans start booing you. The final boss is Donald Trump. He has a special ability that allows him to gain health when people mud sling at him. "mud monster" is the ability. As hilarious as it may be, I will let these things go. I give you clarity and purpose out of self love. Be the best chess player you can be. Let go of your baggage and live a happy and healthy life. I love you with intention to love from abundance, not lack.

May 19, 2020 Another awkward day. I had to work in the middle of the day, and lost a lot of time. I managed to watch queen of katwe. It was a nice movie about a woman who overcame poverty to become a chess master. Right now I feel very irritable. I have a lot of anxiety from work and I right now I feel like I am typing just to type, but I want more than just a habit. I am also rushing to get to bed for work tomorrow. I'm looking at chess coaches now. I think I need a better method than what I am already doing. My strategic understanding is not deep enough to adjust to unfamiliar positions. I want to keep my peek performance for myself and my coach and any students I have when I get a better job. Diet and exercise are required for my consistent results. I can't stand feeling tired and unfocused for my chess games. Meanwhile, my job often become a very monotonous wiping down the store all day. I would like to better channel this to build a more pleasant life. Of course I don't take these things out on other people. I look inward first and foremost. I would like to better handle these things so I can remain charged when pursuing my other passions. This is not just to type. This is because I seek truth. You may be stressed, but I won't let it get you down. These stressed States lead to increased self deception, but you are more than that. My purpose is to be the best human being I can be. This is for you.

May 18, 2020 I had an awkward day. I needed to work at 2 which made it harder to type my book. Meanwhile my brother was finishing up school work at the desk and I did not want to get in his way with my typing. I typed a few pages anyway from my bed and it was very uncomfortable. I am working on chapter 2. I had a very disappointing chess game which was very unfair. I played one of the guys in the top 200. I played my normal set up with black against the stone wall attack. This is the kings Indian set up with d6 aiming for e5. I was kicking this guy's butt. I was completely crushing him. Finally, I reached a position that was mate in 4. My opponent offered a draw. I declined and queened my pawn. My opponent sat there as somebody typed in the chat lol. People often type this when they react to cheaters. My opponent was reported and banned when I was 3 moves away from checkmating him. I gained no rating, but at least I helped bust an engine abuser. The biggest irony is that if you look at the computer analysis, you would think I was the one using the computer given my high accuracy compared to my opponent. I did not get home until 10. I can't do as much as I would like today. I did find more time to meditate though. I discovered that if I pay close attention to my feelings, then I notice how I find meditation and sitting around doing nothing more enjoyable than YouTube. I am not happy when I am addicted, I am being stimulated in a way that I ignore more unpleasant emotions that underlie them. The challenge is that meditation made me very tired. It indicates that I need better sleep habits to raise my consciousness. The same applies to my diet which my sister is helping with. I wish to love you more.

May 17, 2020 I started typing my book today. I am almost done with the first chapter, but my computer is updating. So far the book is awesome and I am learning a lot about myself. The book is very funny when I break the fourth wall and worry about what the readers are going to think about me. Other than this I started letting go of a lot of things that are useless to me. One includes how I told my grandfather I hated him before he died. It was not as bad as I remembered it and I would not drag myself down by holding on to all of that baggage. This actually became a source of suicidal thoughts and it made me very neurotic. I won't do this to. I can forgive you for what you said, not meaning to hurt him that badly. I can also forgive your irrational reaction to the whole situation and how your suppression hurt you more than the thing itself. A second thing was how horrible it was when children were raped by priests. These events are beyond my control and irrelevant to me. I have nothing to gain by having this occupy my mind. Maybe there are other things that are irrelevant to me and should not be concerning. Maybe I should not be so concerned about abortion, Trump, the middle east, and other things that only serve to disempower me. I could concern myself less with things that distract me from self reflection. I also played a chess game against an opponent rated 2380. I had an opening advantage with black, but I stumbled in the middle game and lost very fast. I noticed that psychologically I had a feeling that I would lose and it caused me to take a long time while not considering all of my options therefore causing my mind to trap itself In a self fulfilling prophesy. I made mistakes when I noticed my time getting lower and lower. Meanwhile, the top 200 are gradually getting further away again. This will take a lot more work. In any case I have way more energy than usual as I type my book. I'm getting tired earlier in the day and I am even happier than usual. I learned about my jealousy of sister's friends and how people seemed to not want to be near me. I clarified a lot of my behaviors including how I act stupid to make friends. Becoming more authentic is a form of self love just like self reflection.

May 16, 2020 I did have some intense self reflection that I will likely expand on in my book. It was about how I deceived other people by acting good usually so I can be a devil later on. It is a very effective method for bullshitting people and I did this a lot when I was younger. I don't want to do this because I feel a deep discomfort with myself knowing that I am using an act of good as a vehicle for evil. I reflected on the fact that Catholic priests used the same method of bullshitting in order to get away with the rape of tens of thousands of children. I don't want to stand by this bullshit and if I were more intelligent then I would not go through the trouble of manipulating people like this in order to benefit myself. Not with all the deep discomfort that comes with it. The feeling is a sign. Now I am going to be doing something different from usual. I noticed that I am wasting so much time not typing my book. I am going to write out a list of reasons for typing the book so I can stop this procrastination. 1. I can be a published author 2. I can more deeply understand myself 3. I can make money 4. I can have a life purpose 5. I can more deeply love myself 6. I can develop as a person 7. I can give a potentially helpful point of view on various complex topics 8. I can do what I love, writing 9. My family and I would be proud 10. I would have one less regret on my death bed which may come up if I never type it. 11. I can work through the emotional trauma of domestic violence 12. I can become more honest and authentic as I self reflect 13. I can get away from the discomfort caused by procrastination 14. I can become more disciplined and focused 15. I can study my various chess strategies 16. I can develop stronger emotional control 17. I can become free of the fear created by my shadow 18. I can put this on my job applications 19. I can get a better job as a consequence of being an author 20. I can escape the discomfort of watching mindless YouTube entertainment all day 21. I can do something incredible in spite of the quarantine 22. I can stop being a bullshitter about awesome goals 23. I can learn to stop bullshitting myself with impossible fantasies while becoming more realistic 24. I can stop being torn in many different directions undecided about what to do with my life 25. I can stop sabotaging my own life 26. I can relive my high school year from a wiser perspective How the hell can you still not be convinced? I would like for you to read this reasons before you go to sleep. This will serve to motivate you more as your intention becomes more rational and loving. Maybe I can set a consistent time everyday. I think 12 and/or 7 once a day would be sufficient. I do this because I love you. Because I love you, one promise I will make to you is that I will not allow your life to be worsened by your laziness which you have the power to overcome. This blog is here to help me love by my own greatness, not to mindlessly type everyday. you are God.

May 15, 2020 Last night I struggled to sleep. I finally stopped repression for the first time in months. I made a mess. The next morning my mind felt clear of all the fantasies and this feels way better than what I had before. I showered and ate breakfast. I had cereal and oatmeal but was still hungry. Brie said that I need to eat something with substance, but she admitted that my options were limited. I had a chicken sandwich and was finally done. I was still what I would call undisciplined in pursuing all of the goals I have set for myself. I could have read a book or write a book. Instead I was lazy again today and sat around on YouTube. At least I started getting caught up on my blog which took a lot of time and typing. Maybe I should not worry that much about keeping it in order, but I find it helpful to change my behavior when admitting my mistakes to other people. I then go to sleep after typing this as all of my observations settle and adjust my awareness. I also get to practice brutal honesty. For some reason I found myself pacing back and forth while imagining fan fictions about Star Wars. I came up with a better way to kill off Luke and Snoke. It would take me forever to explain the battles in detail, but here are the highlights. Luke holds up a collapsing star destroyer as the rebels escape. He has copies of himself fighting Snoke and his appreciate, Ren. While fighting them he is charged by 10s of thousands of troopers, walkers, and fighters. The star destroyer collapsed on top of the imperial forces as Snoke stabs Luke in the back after Luke cuts off Snoke's right hand. The rebels escape with almost no casualties in a battle that seemed impossibly one sided As the empire is devastated. As for Snoke, the battle could have been insane. The most insane part is when Snoke is sucked into the vacuum of space and his leg is torn off my a metal panel. A lightsaber melts him from the inside and the sun burns him from the outside. He relaxes and used the force to cause his severed leg back on the ship to shoot lightning from the foot. Ren is struck and badly hurt. Rey slows the lightning flying toward her as Ren throws her out of the way. Rey throws Snoke's foot into the lightning. Then Snoke's hand spider crawls to Rey. She pushes the hand with the force as it vanished in black smoke. It was an illusion, the real Snoke hand was on the ceiling flying down at her with lightning in its hand. The hand falls dead inches away from her face as Snoke finally does out in space. Those movies could have been off the wall and completely insane if they killed off their characters like this instead. Time for you to rest before you start advancing toward your goals as you take self actualization seriously. The reason I want this is because I want a better life for you. I ask you for more discipline. Perhaps your autism plays a role. Whatever it may be... You are 100% responsible for everything in your life.

May 14, 2020 Yesterday I again had to go in early. I was wiping down the store all day. I noticed my mind getting sucked into the gutter again. It indicates clearly that repression fails constantly when trying to deal with this some how. Repression occurred partially because of my distaste and self image and partially because of the quarantine keeping my family at home all day. I noticed that the emotions and fantasies only became more intense, and this is not the healthiest way to deal with all of this. I would like to have a clearer mind. An obstacle to this goal is my taste for the emotions. I may feel them carefully and let them go as with other emotions. I just continued observing myself as I avoided judging these thoughts. My manager has her head where it is supposed to be. She told me that she was sorry for what happened to my father. I paused until I said thanks for your concern, thinking it was the most appropriate answer. After that I did my job mostly fine except I once forgot to knock on the woman's bathroom which I was told to clean. If this mind pattern affects my job, then I will not welcome this. Just like in chess my embarrassment should be admitted and corrected. I have the capacity to do this. Finally, I went back home. I was exhausted because I did not get much sleep two nights in a row. I laid around being lazy most of the time. I sometimes tried meditation on which I practiced my distinction between the thinking mind and the working mind. The working mind brings me closer to direct experience. Finally I played some chess. I focused like a laser beam, but still felt a little tired. I won both games and am at my peak again. I am still just barely short of the top 200. My performance was nothing worth bragging about, but my opponents made more mistakes. It is by about 5 points. Meanwhile chessable is doing nothing for me. All I'm doing is keeping a streak and gaining nothing. Maybe I can beat test something, but I won't get selected at the rate I have been playing. " I love you" is something much more profound than your mind understands.

May 13 Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I had a lot going on and I was rushed all over the place with my family as I struggled to get enough sleep and energy. Starting with the day of the funeral which was Wednesday, I worked from 6-10 in the morning. I was allowed to be off completely, but I saw an easy opportunity for money that interfered with my sleep. My mother and Jordan were late to getting ready for the funeral which started at 1. Brie was upset with this although she expects this from those two and she is very annoyed. My sisters used the word "psychopath" to describe mom's driving and after I pointed this out, they started to agree that they should stop talking like this. One the way mom and Jordan were picking on Brie. I don't remember what I said, but I noticed conformity in the sense that I too briefly focused on some faults that the other two were describing. It is good to notice this because I could have made Brie more upset when we intended to distract her from the death of our father by being goofy. She seemed distraught. The funeral was short and had only 10 people because of COVID. The service was as good as it could have been. The priest was put in a difficult position because usually we try to say the person who died was a good person, but my father did not match the traditional ideas of good. This lead to false statements about him at the funeral like "he was always present.". Really he got into legal trouble for not paying child support and he lost custody of us. We occasionally saw every few weeks, but he was not present as a father would be. Just don't get confused with this sounding like I'm calling him bad. I did not write about all of this because there are things people would not want to be said at a funeral, and I was not sure that people would understand my perspective on how dad was good. I decided to describe my feelings to the priest and to my grandmother. I stayed quiet from everyone else because I felt that I would not resonate with them and it would make the experience more unpleasant. Although it is not obvious to most people given his criminal record, I recognized his form of love. He found himself in difficult circumstances in which he felt it necessary to turn illegal means in order to maintain his survival. From this point of view he may often have the intention to create good outcomes for his children, but he was unable to because of his dysfunctional survival strategy. You would have to see him in person to understand, but even a gangster or drug dealer is a form of love. The priest and my grandma understood the intention and this form of love, but I did not mention the "bad" stuff. During the service I found myself becoming very tense. My way of dealing with emotions may be such that I suppress them too often and I don't fully feel them. I don't want to do this, but my family thinks I am. Finally we buried the cremated remains with a cross and his favorite lightsaber. The priest mentioned my father's epiphany of faith shortly after the death of my grandfather. He described how all who possess faith in God will be granted eternal life in heaven. I'm familiar with this from the bible and it reminds of immortality which I have not personally verified. I also noticed similarities between me and my father in that our worldviews were being constructed around faith which I prefer to let go of in order to avoid self deception, not to walk right into one. I was quiet for most of the funeral as I focused my attention on the container. Finally, I went back home to get out of my nice clothes before visiting my grandma's house. She had 5 cats there and I did not want to ruin my nice clothes. First I played an online card game with Locklan. He is a transgender male who my grandmother insists on calling Katie. It was a fun card game. I managed to beat the computer and a live human for ranking. The human was a close match, but I shared some ideas with Locklan until we managed to out play our opponent. Locklan is not very competitive, but I play to win. I always take my time and calculate my options in order to minimize luck as I make counter intuitive moves to win. I mentioned one of my interesting rummy moves. I had 2 Jack's and 1 other card. I purposely discarded a card that my sister called rum on. This was to avoid my opponent picking up the card I wanted to discard in order to gain 30 points at the cost of allowing Brie, the lesser threat who did not have many points, to gain 5 points. I could tell the others were not paying attention. I have many intense calculations even in games that seem very luck based and I have good results. My grandmother talked about what the things I said at the funeral to the rest of the family. They laughed about how I commented "am I gonna wind up with chess pieces when I'm put down there?". The priest said that I was a very kind and intelligent person. My grandma was baffled at how I could memorize all the moves in a chess game and explain the mistakes my opponent made so they can improve in the future. I went in the other room with Joey. We watched A New Hope in honor of my father who loves Star Wars. After Luke blew up the death star and the ceremony finished, we played video games. I was not thrilled by the games, but I helped a little with Banjo Kazooie. Meanwhile, Brie made a social blunder and mentioned Trump around my racist grandmother. Locklan was calm until they started to discuss sexuality and gender. Locklan then started cussing constantly and was clearly angry like many trans people when this issue comes up. My grandma thought that Obama was a Muslim and that this is an evil religion because of the middle east. My grandma had her head stuck in Fox and Trump propaganda. Meanwhile my sister tried to dig her way out in a way that backfired. She was trying to say that Trump, being in his 70's has a paradigm which does not resonate with most young people. In this way Trump is limited and she prefers a younger president, maybe in his 50's who can see both perspectives more clearly. Brie said that she does not really like any of the candidates. Grandma interpreted this as Brie was calling her stupid because she is old, but Brie was an able to put in to words everything I just explained. My grandma used the n word constantly and was sure we needed a wall as she appeared to have a hard time distinguishing between her perspective and reality. When I got home I messaged my grandmother and explained that Brie did not mean to offend her and that Brie is beating herself over what happened. Grandma replied that she was not offended. I think she might have actually been offended, but did not want to talk about it. This was a good example of stage blue in conflict with stage green. FInally, we left. In the car I spoke with my sister's about my relationship with dad. They constantly seemed to overestimate how much of a relationship I had with him. Although it was more because I visited him, it was not like a father son relationship as I would imagine it. Otherwise I would see him every day rather than every few weeks. In my early childhood I barely met him at all. This eased my sister's because they always seemed to envy my relationship which was not as good as they imagined it was. My sisters went on about how the wall would destroy the environment and how Trump was clearly benefiting from racism. I struggled to communicate complex ideas because I'm better at writing, but my sisters know that. As I remember the distinction between the lesser and greater jihad, I may interfere where I can, but the most important thing is my self reflection and how high I can raise my consciousness. I love all of my family no matter their differences. Direct experience is King.

May 12, 2020 Today I had a very pleasant day overall. I just experienced high levels of joy all day. I found another helpful video about the psychology of catastrophizing. I noticed that no matter the content, my mind tends to be drawn to the worse case scenario. As I recognize this as catastrophizing, my unnecessary suffering is removed and I am left with more happiness. The reason I was being held back from realizing some teachings in actualized.org was because of my psychology that manipulated my entire thinking process. These YouTube videos I found are very helpful and I do not need to judge myself for watching a bunch of YouTube videos even though it is a stereotype of a lazy or stupid person. I will feel this fear more deeply. I went on an interesting walk at noon. I walked toward the library and saw a cannon. I felt fear as I walked passed the cannon. I decided to feel my fear more deeply. I stood in front of the cannon aimed at my face and imagined it firing and blowing my head off. It is hard to explain what feelings are like because they are very intricate with many gradations and are constantly changing. Next I walked down to a baseball field where two guys were practicing. I noticed a yellow metal pole which resembled a penis. For a second I looked away afraid of how I would judge myself for my gay thoughts. I decided to feel this gayness more deeply instead of being afraid as focused on the pole. This helped me to see that actually I'm bisexual. I don't express gayness for fear of how people will judge me for liking men and I don't express straightness for fear of how people will judge me for liking a woman's body. By not being afraid of these things as I recognized catastrophizing, my mind became a bit more peaceful. I continued on my walk and everything felt beautiful to me. I discovered another route to the cathedral and I stared at the buds on a free branch and their strange forms. I also found a guy on his bike playing Pokemon go. In this process I felt that my awareness was being shifted more toward direct experience as I questioned the limits of my current approach being love through intention. My intuition told me that there is a glass ceiling to that approach, and I think there is self deception created by my idea of love. When I got home I did eat a bunch of sugar again, and I am thinking I need to respect my body more. I felt a painful leg cramp as I curled my legs back and I would like to avoid this. I asked myself what does my body want to do? It wants to stop sitting In an uncomfortable position on my bed that hurts my lower spine and sit in a meditation position in front of the mirror on the carpet. I know I created an identity out of the mind and brain, but the brain cannot function without the body. I have a beautiful biomechanical work of art and in order to work at its best, I need all parts, not just the one I am identifying with. I would fall apart without self respect. Before practicing this body awareness, I helped my brother cut the grass. It was a pain to get the mower started and I let my brother do parts of the grass. He gradually got better, but he could not do the hill. He is not strong enough. Except ironically he got the mower started. I played a couple rounds of chess and threw a game away to weak opponent on chess.com yet easily defeated a strong opponent in lichess.org. I'm about at the same spot I was, but I know to not let the consequences go to my head. As the stakes got higher it caused me to worry more, and I can correct this. By letting go of the outcome, I can play even better games. The book of not knowing is also pretty cool so far. It is getting to the part about the real self where we are not what we think we are. One thing I won't be catastrophizing about is how my father's funeral is tomorrow and I people might think I'm insensitive. I see how I create my grief and I can love my father more by letting him go. I won't judge those who need help coping and I know they want me to behave with silence. " Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". I know my grandmother needs to smile and I can be there for her. You are experience, not the idea of love.

May 11, 2020 I am having a hard time remembering everything that happened today. I started off with meditating a little bit before needing to leave for work quickly. When I got there my mind was pretty quiet for most of the day. I had no intense emotions coming up and I simply observed myself as I cleaned everything in the store. As I got bored of cleaning the same things over and over, I moved toward another part of the store that was cleaned and has employees working. A woman offered to help me clean before she gets on a computer. We wiped a lot down, but I bumped my leg on a chair with a large block like piece sticking out. I have a red bruise on my left leg, and this physical trauma I keep getting from this work might mean I should leave for a job that is physically healthier and safer. My work with self actualization continued to spill over into other people like with my brother. The woman asked me how I am. I thought for a moment and then said positive. She asked me why. I thought for a moment and then explained as best I could. I told her that I felt I was approaching a more complete understanding of myself. She told me that to be honest she feels like she does not understand herself either. I started to explain self observation to her. She seemed interested that I observe my thoughts and emotions constantly everyday. I told that as you watch yourself without judging and just focus on what is, your behavior naturally changes and adjusts. As I tried to explain what exactly I was experiencing, I had a hard time explaining, but she understood the exercise and thought that it is good advice worth trying. It appears that I have raised the consciousness of man kind. People also notice that I am very happy all the time for some reason. My grandma came in to discuss the funeral with my manager. He gave me the option of working 4 hours instead of 8 so I could make it to the service. My sisters disagree with my decision, but my grandmother does not see a problem with me not choosing to be off all day. As for now I recognize that emotions such as grief are present. I don't need to be different, and I can accept these emotions as they are. When I got home, I found several interesting videos. Peterson has some practical psychology lessons which helped me with my moral anxiety even though people on this site don't like him. I had recurring intrusive thoughts of aggressive behavior because I created a shadow of what I am capable of doing. There was an interesting red talk in which a historian challenges our sense of reality. Our culture assumes that humans are naturally competitive for wealth and that we are all individuals who seek to serve ourselves. Actually all of this was because western Europe said so, and there are countless other cultures which have a completely different sense of self and what it means to be human. Our capitalist ideology is as real as the Roman gods, yet we assume science has everything figured out. The third video was about a man with autism. I also have autism and I found many people who faced similar problems. We often try to force ourselves to behave differently in order to appear socially acceptable, but we often fail anyway. My inability to do this made me judge myself harshly like the other people around me who thought I was weird. This led me to depression and I wanted to love myself because of this situation. I don't know if everything can be solved by love, but my circumstances lead me to seeking self acceptance. People are happier with me when I am acting normal for me and I am okay with being a little weird. Other people with autism end up feeling the same way. Some think that they love themselves and the only problem is people who can't tolerate people who different. I am becoming less socially awkward as I do this work. In fact my harsh judgement made me very moralizing which is why Peterson's psychology helped correct this by accepting my capacity for aggression. Although this information was helpful, I don't want to become attached to information which leads to ideology forming. I may let this go as I experience how far unconditional self acceptance can take me. Maybe it has limits, but I would like to see what the limits are. I would like to love you more.

I understand that actualized.org may have a gripe with Peterson, but I derived immediate practical benefit from his perspective on psychology and shadow work. I have judged myself constantly for my capacity to harm other people. My intrusive thoughts would not stop, and I lived in fear that I could hurt someone. If you struggle with moral anxiety than understand that the capacity to hurt someone is not something you need to be afraid of it repress within yourself. I still choose to be careful around his political theories, and just focus on psychology. I can see myself doing terrible things and fully accept that I am capable of them without judging myself, and this leads to a more peaceful state.

May 10, 2020 Today I woke up early and began meditating. I woke up around 5 or 6. I'm this process I started practicing self love through intention. I recognized that it is difficult to get a perfect intention, but I understood my intention to love through intention. I did not keep a timer, but it may have been as long as an hour. My cravings for sugar are fading a little bit. I did not eat as many cookies as usual, and I hesitated to make the very sugary cereal in favor of a slightly less sugary one. I struggle with breakfast in the morning if I do not know what more of my options are. I may need to look carefully. My sugar craving tonight was something I was able to let go. I decided not to eat the ice cream and I think I feel better as a consequence. I also ran into a complicated dilemma. I could not tell if I was hungry or not after work. It is similar to chess tournaments when I am so focused on the game I forget to eat dinner and it makes me sick in the rest of the tournament. I decided to eat eggs and I think I am okay now. In the morning I practiced some chess. I finished a lesson from improve my chess, and I think the lessons are made very well and they are challenging. After this I began research on the benko gambit. I watched an hour long video and briefly watched a shorter video before I left for work. I think my most promising variations are 12. a4 and 5 Nc3, a rare side line, but very sharp. I'm curious about Nc3. It may not be the best, but it is very complicated and a computer analysis may uncover a lot. The third idea is the benko returned or declined which might give white a slight plus which I can be fine with. I did not get paired with anybody today. Auto correct is terrible on my tablet because I often spell words correctly and it corrects me to the wrong word. I found Leo's video on forgiveness. I forgave my mother for stealing thousands of dollars out of my bank account. At the time she was in an abusive relationship which she got into shortly after her father died. Her boyfriend best her and stole her money which they were likely using on drugs. This lead them to pawning to pay the bills. Eventually, she stole money from me, probably to prevent the house from going into foreclosure, or for drugs. Either way when you let go of resentment it starts to seem insane to pick it up again. I have been building up a lot of armor. This gets me to deny that I have been hurt because I suppress my emotions so much that I don't notice them at all. This may be the cause of my neurotic thinking and struggle to not hurt myself while fearing passing it on to other people. This is why I suppress my emotions of I want to avoid hurting others, and it backfires on me especially, limiting my capacity to love myself or anyone else. In order for me to think straight and to love you more, suppression can't happen in this backfiring way that hurts me. Although I do not always live up to being the bigger person, I would like to raise my capacity for love far enough that it becomes more effortless. As I contemplate, get confused, doubt, and follow misguided logic and guesswork, all of it is with the intention to love more, and in the process I feel that I often make mistakes and hurt myself. I get wrapped up in my own burning selfishness because I don't know how to stop. I feel that trying to stop is a trap because it becomes a sense of not loving how I am. Admitting this seems to be more effective than prodding myself forward with logic and consequences. I just have an experience and particular state of consciousness and emotions now. As for work I noticed my burning selfishness again and could not stop it. I started wondering about the worse case scenarios if I continue down this path. I notice that no matter what I think about, it nearly always turns sour. I always find something threatening or scary in something I initially enjoy. I see the kind of person I would become and end up not liking it because it is fundamentally the same person with different surfaces. There is a deep commonality behind all of the ways I could ever be, at least as my mind imagined it. there are serious psychological limitations I am facing. The solution is to love myself more. My experiences of each day are factored into my intuition which adjusts the way in which I self reflect. I don't have to logically guide what happens to me. Instead it is gradually happening. My intention is to love you more.

I found an interesting site when researching how to trigger a mystical experience. I don't think that this site is anywhere near the degree I think may be necessary to see myself as literally a serial killer plunging a knife into "my" heart, but it has some surprisingly interesting pointers nevertheless. It compares the feeling of unity in a church or in spiritual practices to everywhere else. This suggests that what is referred to as a mystical experience could happen anywhere. From one point of view God is falsified if religion thinks God is experienced only in itself. From another perspective God is proven by being experienced everywhere. I still have not had anything to the degree Leo describes, but I won't turn it into a limiting belief. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/true-believers/201604/how-have-mystical-experience "All you need to get started is a brain."

May 9, 2020 Starting with the beginning of the day, I managed to put in 20 minutes of meditation. I think this overall improved the quality of my day. I did not yet check out the going Buddha challenge. Maybe I will. While observing myself throughout the day, I watched how I had jolts of anger flowing through me in reaction to comments made by people I imagined. I used to let it flow and leave. I watched even closer and saw that my capacity for control is even greater than that. I am actually generating the jolt. This is the next level I would like to move toward. This way I do not need to cause myself to worry about if I say or do something harmful because I would not be worried unless I actively create this entire problem of seemingly knee jerk reactions. The solution is to love myself more. At work I wiped down carts for 6 hours. This job is not particularly fun, but at least I am helpful to mankind. Somebody spilled spaghetti sauce on the carpet. This was my must annoying clean up yet. Surprisingly, the mop was very helpful in this case. I am also hearing my self talk. It usually is unnecessarily negative. It is like I am unenthusiastic about going to work under any circumstances. I think that this makes my experience more unpleasant, and I would like to have a more pleasant and resourceful attitude. The solution is to love myself more. Finally I got home and eventually found somebody online to play chess with. I would like to note that my emotional reactions to the game are still strong. I was still unable to get a hold of the master, but this guy was also decent. He played the benko gambit against me and I have a really bad track record with this opening. I often manage to get a huge advantage provided I play properly, but the queenside pressure is so much that it gets complicated. I made several oversights and so did my opponent. I at one point had a completely winning position. I was unable to convert this complicated victory and eventually lost. I had a draw at one point and I still lost it. Firstly, loving myself more would help. Secondly, I feel like I should invent my own approach to this system to see if I can get a decent plus without taking so much risk. I am also thinking that whatever weakness I have with these positions, I will have to resolve it at some point. I am wondering if the fact that I play these games while sitting on my bed makes me less sharp. Maybe I should sit at the desk to see.If that makes any difference. Possibly my diet and exercise are interfering with my game. Vitamins are also crucial. The more intense you get the more you need to love yourself. That is my intention.

May 8, 2020 I could not type yesterday because I visited my grandmother and did not get home until midnight. I will have to type what I remember. I woke up ready to challenge the FIDE master, but he had the time confused because he lives in Russia. Instead I found another strong player who if I had defeated, then I would likely be in the top 200. I was really close to winning and played very well until I got low on time. This is a very possible cause of my three consecutive blunders which lost me the game. I need to play faster and sharper if I want to avoid this recurring problem for me that loses me won games. I was annoyed at the loss and practiced letting go again. I notice how frustration does not help me to focus and play well, and is therefore a possible obstacle to my goal. I also realized that negative motivation has a glass ceiling and positive motivation is much stronger. I know that there may be disappointing losses, but this is part of the process which makes me even stronger. If losses are approached in the most loving way possible this is a good opportunity for growth. I then found myself getting sucked into the drama of an intense game where I refuse to draw and have an angry look on my face. People sometimes get scared as I do everything I can to win. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it gets me nice results. I may observe the emotions. A tournament director also told me he knew I would win by the look on my eyes when I first signed up, and he was right. If a chess game gets intense enough maybe it triggers a fight or flight response. I went to visit my grandmother with my sisters. I played on the Xbox with my brother and we played star wars battle front 2. Charlie, who recently turned 12, had some close calls and lucky victories. I could pretty much guarantee a victory in this difficulty. I never beat this game on elite mode. My cousin Joey enjoyed the battle of Hoth. Meanwhile, I thought the capture of princess Leia was crazy. Sometimes we were interrupted by my grandmother's and sister's crying so we paused to comfort her. They decided to bury dad with his favorite Darth Maul lightsaber. I also needed to message some of dad's friends to tell them that he died. I noticed that the way I experienced awareness and processed my emotions have been evolving. It is hard to explain it you don't feel my feelings. It was easier to observe myself without judgment and control my emotions while remaining peaceful. I am more carefully understanding how I create my own emotions. Charlie was about to get in the car to drive home when he expressed how he was upset with my sisters for not leaving sooner. I told him to observe himself carefully and notice how If he talks like this during the ride it would make the trip more unpleasant. We spoke quietly in the backseat as I was able to express my vision for the family. My sisters may dismiss what I try to do when they fight as me wanting them to shut up. Really I am watching them suffer and I see how their fighting makes them more and more upset with no solution. I have my own limited consciousness in terms of how much I can help them which is why I explained the value of self observation to help control one's emotions and avoid harmful judgement. For example, Charlie said they were stupid and I let him know that this speech never makes a heated argument better. My brother gets wrapped up in lying and hatred, so it would be valuable for him and the rest of the family if I managed to get through to him. He seems to understand, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing his own self deception yet. All of this is also for the love of my family where ever I can reduce suffering. I hope I have improved the trajectory of all of our lives. In order to maximize my own consciousness, I am seeing more and more value in meditation. I am starting to meditate more. At least 20 minutes a day instead of 7-10. It is hard to squeeze in an hour straight sometimes, but I can definitely do it. I sometimes leave for work at 6a.m. It can't always be morning. You are what you are.

May 7, 2020 Today I went back to work and wiped down carts for 6 hours. In my mind I was laughing at low brow humor again with my head on that topic. I notice how easily my mind gets sucked into a thought storm and how it does not simply switch off. I see how it leads to lying in many forms while undermining any sense of integrity. It includes exageration, ulterior motives, and ideology. "A man should be judged by the size of heart." Creating a self image supported by a philosophical assertion. Side note: I just now researched "alterior" vs "ulterior" , I am still learning English. Eventually I broke free of the spell and I continued letting go of my defense mechanisms. I also got the idea that I could create the ability to experience attachment and detachment. Sometimes proposing like they live in a very different world and it could be interesting to use this lens or connect with their emotions. In the process I may detach especially when any pattern starts to feel like it burns or builds up various lies. When I got home I played a chess game where I focused like a laser beam. This level of focus was created by the past humiliation. I played a tense game against a decent opponent. I made two mistakes in this game and my opponent complemented my accuracy where I played very well. He was on a losing streak and he was happy that I told him he played a good game. If I did not find a sharp move, then I would have been in trouble. One thing I learned from the game is that I made superfluous calculations. I calculated one move I could play and one response from white where he came out on top. I then calculated another move he could play, but it was an unnecessary waste of time of I already found a way for him to be better. I can use this information to save time and calculate faster and more efficiently. I like encouraging others and helping them to become stronger. I continued observing my deeply rooted sense of self promotion. This means pushing my worldview over someone else's and how bad I feel and burn as I do that. It is hard to let go of all of these instincts and I cry as I notice how deeply rooted this suffering and dirty feeling is when asserting my perspective, no matter if I am right or wrong. It is the source of rationalizations and story making. This is what I am letting go little by little every day. I used to think that I really wanted to be right because I needed truth for Truth's sake in order to solve anything. Even if I think I am right I still feel dirty arguing with others over politics, religion, and philosophy. From the point of view of actualized.org I am letting go of survival. I see that in some ways of survival does not serve truth and therefore leads to falsehood. To me it is like letting go of something that is only an illusion and was never there which caused me self generated suffering. This might be what spirituality calls ego, and I may not fully grasp the depth of this issue. Other than all of this I had a good time watching Harry Potter with my family. I noticed things about the plot I didn't realize before while deleted scenes were added. Harry Potter yelling at Tom Riddle reminded me of me and it was burning. I do this because I love you.

@JosephKnecht i asked myself what is being survived. If I can see that my self image is imaginary and what is supposedly being survived, then I see that really nothing is being survived except a mask or lie. From this point of view it does not make sense to fear for my survival which is why it would be a lie. How do you know when you let go of survival and what is it like to live life that way? It would be interesting to see this.

I had an interesting story today where I noticed how easy it is to make myself confuse truth and falsehood. I went out on a walk and noticed a graveyard. I began looking around until I had a feeling that I should not be there. I imagined somebody telling me that I was in private property and that I needed to leave immediately. I crossed the street and looked at the scenery. When I walked away from the new building I was standing by I realized it said no trespassing. I left that building next and walked around the area, back in the main road. I saw another road and walked down enough to read a sign that said "cemetery use only, others will be prosecuted" . I left immediately. The possibility that I could be prosecuted lead me to fabricating and rationalizing. I knew the stories were lies, but labeling this process lying did not seem to stop it. So many fabrications came up that for a brief moment I confused it with what was true until I remembered. I finally stopped trying to stop myself from lying and then it stopped. How do you stop lying when your survival is threatened? What is being survived?

May 6, 2020 Today I needed to work again. I was bored of wiping everything down, but at least I have a job. My sister spends a lot of money, and she is very annoyed that she does not have money to spend without her job. My father has a good quote for his grave stone. "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" from Yoda. It reminds me of the true self. Yoda also spoke about how connected everything is until it sounded more and more like metaphysics and spirituality. I contemplated how fundamentally my behaviors such as performing the awareness exercises, reading about spirituality, and self reflecting were ultimately based on the belief that it is worth my while. I noticed how I had to believe there was some truth to all of this in order to do any of this work, otherwise I would have dismissed it. This faith becomes a source of ideology. It also makes me feel delusional should I start theory building and intellectualizing in order to make sense of it all. Maybe it does not make sense and the mystics and gurus did not have it right about God. I wondered if I could let go of all of this. For me accepting it as it is leads it to fading so change can occur. something I notice is that the physical sensations in my head are constantly changing and I feel different. I feel lighter and I would almost say numb. There is tingling around my head as I feel the pressure and my mind becomes quieter as a general trend. I think I could expand my awareness to the rest of my body. I would like to ensure that my sense of self is not habitually limited to the brain, and I can feel beyond that. Sometimes I cry when feeling body tension. I reflected in my life purpose and remembered how I wanted to be a politician. I decided not to do it because it was impractical. This stunts my creativity and leads to me focusing on negatives and selfishness related to this goal in order to tell myself it is bad. All of this is lying and I forgot. Yes I am corruptible, and self reflection helps me to address that. I am not really as bad of a person as I paint myself to be and if I do then I am stuck so long as I am against myself. The reason I am interested in politics is something much more powerful. I view it as the potential to do something great for everybody by learning to let go of all of your own biases and opinions. It can be used badly, but I like the methods of being open minded and detecting the greatest good for the greatest number. There is no one and only way I have to go. Finally, I released a story on rationalizations. It is in the actualization forum. I could feel sensations inside my head as I let go of my lying for my survival. It is like a bubble coming up and vanishing. This happens a lot when I feel inside my head. I have been saying I love you more often to my family. It feels a little weird to say I love to myself so I will try something else. You are who you are.

@Raptorsin7 thanks for your encouragement. One of the recent challenges is getting paired with stronger opponents. I am approaching the far right of the bell curve in terms of player rating. This makes it harder to find people closer to my level sometimes. Now I am using multiple sites to find players online on those sites who are stronger. Today I did not get a match. I may need to send direct challenges to players rated 2300-2400.

May 5, 2020 For most of the day I was at home playing chess. I am 10 points shy of being in the top 200 lichess. I still lose often against opponents rated more than 100 points higher than me. One strong opponent told me that I was not taking all of my options into account, and I was left with a false choice as to what was the best move. I continued reading the book of not knowing and I found it confusing in the analogies it tried to draw. Apart from this it can be said that my growth is limited by following a routine that when I try to shake makes me suffer if I don't allow natural evolution. I feel like I somewhat have a sense of how I work and I have been trying to figure this out for years. How to work optimally might be a nice goal. Getting comfortable does not work for me. I feel like I'm starting to slack and I don't want that. One small helpful insight was that my only problem is that I suggest that there is something wrong or bad about me. This creates a lot of my problems because of how I react and judge myself thus creating more problems. This would otherwise one minimized. Love you.