trenton

@Nahm thank you for the very helpful insights. This is actually very accurate and I will probably be a lot happier without thinking I have potential. You are also correct that I am justifying world views I don't even like. You look like you read through a chunk of my journal and saw something I could not see. My mindset was definitely along the lines your describing and I think I can call down more now. I am discovering harmful thought patterns like these and working to correct them. I don't know if "working to correct them" is good or not.

@Nahm I have tried this a few times now. There are a couple of issues I encountered. The first is that the sleep disturbance still did not stop. I am waking up at 3 a.m. And failing to get back to sleep. This causes me to sleep for 4-5 hours. My mind gets more anxious when this happens. I will still meditate when I can because it is still healthy. Secondly, I encountered some deer. They were disturbed by my presence and one and to make sure I don't do anything to scare them. It would be nice to meditate in the morning, but deer have a routine and I never saw any in the area after 2 o'clock. I will have to meditate later if I want to avoid the deer. I have already been taking anxiety pills and my family does not want me in sleeping pills next. One of my fears with modern medicine is that they will get me in As many pills as they can like they did to someone I knew. She was on pills for anxiety and depression as well as there other pills. She ended up mixing it with alcohol and dying. I will try other strategies for improving sleep, but I will not stop meditation. Thank you.

September 16, 2020 I managed to calm down a little bit. I fell asleep late, but slept in since I had a late work night with no dinner. Today a few interesting things happened. I first tried to meditate in the woods early in the morning. Before I left, I went back in to get my mask on case I need to go indoors. I noticed how hatred is addicting because it reinforces a separate sense of self, but I never actually feel good because of it. I was living in fear of pissing my sister off because she seems easily triggered by so many little things that i can't satisfy her. I let go of this fear and let her get mad that I walked back in the house. Granny is taking notice of how easily she gets agitated to. I see how I am manipulating her, but I don't mean it in a bad way. It is in my best interest to be happier, and in the process our conflicts are being drawn to the surface so the family can be more aware of them, ultimately being better for everyone. I don't mean to be mean. Afterwards, I went to the woods. This gets pretty awesome. I went to my meditation spot, and I brought a piece of paper with me to write with. I needed to make a spot for me to write. My meditation spot is on top of a lot of rocks in a shallow creek. I had a lot of fun and laughed joyfully as I realized that I was manipulating the rocks in the environment to my liking. I searched the creek for rocks I like so I could build a more comfortable spot to sit, as well a make shift table to write on. I managed to find a huge, heavy rock to sit on. I then took my old meditation spot, the flat rock,came started stacking rocks on top of it. I then organized the rocks between the seat and the table such that I could comfortably cross my legs and meditate. This was an awesome experience and I loved doing this. It was like infinite intelligence was using the human as a vehicle for change by manipulating the rocks to my liking. This was epic. If you came through those woods now and see the spot I'm talking about, you can tell it's too intelligent and a human had to have manipulated the rocks. Anyway, I did a little bit of contemplation about hatred and how addicting it is just like thinking and my racing thoughts. I then stopped to meditate more deeply than I previously did and I felt very peaceful. Suddenly, I heard some weird noises coming from the woods, I thought it sounded like a machine, and there was other people here. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a brown blur fly past me through the shallow creek. I thought it was a biker, and I went back meditating. The noises continued and they got closer. They started to bug me, so I opened my eyes getting ready to approach the noise to see what it was. By the time I was about to get up, the noise was right in front of me. I looked through the trees to see a for shrieking loudly and looking at me with her ears perked up and laser focus on me. I turned my head to look behind me where I sensed movement. I saw another deer staring at me and it bolted when I looked at it. That was probably what ran across the creek. I looked back to the doe who was still fixed on me. My mind worked more effectively than normal as I considered how I should approach this situation. As the doe shrieked, I could hear stress in it. It was obviously disturbed by my presence. I thought that the deer might attack me or a buck might come to the area to stab me with its antlers. I thought that the safest thing to was get out of the woods. As soon as I stood up, the doe bolted. I walked to the end of the creek and saw that there was no way a biker could get through all of the jagged rocks that quickly or even ride a bike through it. The brown blur had to be on legs. As I spend time out in nature my mind starts adjusting how I think and invent survival strategies. Sometimes there are massive spider webs in the woods so I take off my shirt and whip the edges of the web to tear it down. I can also swat swarms of bugs. I also used some leaves as tissues. There cavemen used to use leaves as toilet paper. I keep finding ways to make my stay in nature more comfortable and my logic is also adjusting. I work with the bare minimum, but I make it work with my creativity. I made my way out of the woods safely. When I got home I did some research on deer. I found some useful information, but not what I was looking for. I still did not find how a person should act in a deer encounter. Deer attacks have happened, and I need to make sure that my behavior does not trigger one. I found that deer have a routine. Sense I showed up much earlier than usual, it would explain why I never encountered any deer before. If I go to that area after 2 instead of before 10 a.m., the deer might have moved on by then. I learned a little bit about deer from the encounter. Standing up terrifies them when they look at you with their ears perked up. I will need to be cautious of I want to use my awesome meditation spot. Anyway, we ate pizza and I started catching up on the recent actualized.org video. I will need to engage in some survival challenges like getting financial independence. I don't want to use spirituality as a distraction from what needs to be done. This is why I have the life purpose course and a lot of appointments coming up. This includes career counselling at some point. I am still not through all the concepts I need to get through and there are many books to check out as well. This is going to be a lot of work. stay on target.

I have been improving my meditation habit, by meditating near a creek and a hiking trail. I was beginning to meditate more deeply, but I was interrupted by some deer. Deer can be dangerous because they run up to 40 mph, can break human bones by stomping with all of their weight, and bucks can tear skin with their antlers. Bucks are aggressive near mating season, and does are aggressive if they perceive a threat to a fawn. If I wish to continue meditating near that creek, then I need some survival strategies. I discovered that deer have a routine. I never found any after 2 o'clock. This time I was there earlier at 9 o'clock. Maybe this is the reason I encountered them. The doe was making loud calls and was clearly alert and disturbed by my presence. How else could deer be dealt with? Is it not worth meditating on nature? How can I make sure not to get attacked?

September 15, 2020 I am still hyper and only meditating a little bit. I worked for 7 hours today and am struggling to calm down. I did a little bit of the life purpose course and played some chess. My entire mindset shifted again recently as my family prepares to get me into counselling along with my doctor appointments. I feel like I am not doing as much as I could. I tell myself that a lot. It may be something similar to the shadow side where I am afraid of doing the opposite of what I want. I think I do a lot of trial and error on myself to see how my psyche works. This may be used a potential distraction from doing other things. I can psycho analyze myself forever, but I am infinitely complex. I feel disappointed in myself, but this is not resourceful. I am constantly extremely happy, but it can make me unfocused. I am very stuck in my mind again and it is hard for me to slow down and let it go. I think if I keep up my meditation whenever I can, I will be better off with this. I am thinking about leaving the forum again because it turns into a distraction. My mind may think I'm doing the work by following this site. I notice that my mind is intentionally trying to make me upset. This is still not productive. All I am doing with this process is changing my emotions around, but getting the same results. I will sleep on the question. What works best for me? Whatever works and gives you results, do it. I don't want to stay stuck in my mind, only creating different states, emotions, thoughts, ect. Because I care about you, I will admit that I am too absorbed in my own complexity, and I don't want to reinforce it with a spiritual ego. Do what is necessary.

September 14, 2020 Today I woke up early and could not get to sleep. The melatonin still did not change this result. I tried letting go of judgements which I did successfully at first, but they slowly crept back throughout my work day at Kroger. When I got back home, I attempted to apply for my chess job, but I needed to move to NYC. I am unable to get this job and I can't find any other places with jobs as a chess teacher. They might be more common in other countries, but this is a rare job that I would love to do. I like to improve the overall trajectory of a person's life through teaching chess. It is not just about being a good chess player and winning tournaments, although I can help you do that with enough training. I derive a deeper happiness from understanding that I gave a child all of my knowledge and understanding in order to help them pursue their dream of becoming a master. It is like the love a parent feels for a child except I don't care if you are genetically similar to me or not. I started feeling better and better as the day went on. Eventually my racing thoughts came back and I struggled to meditate. I did manage to meditate a little bit before starting work, but this was only about 20 minutes total. On my days off I can take my pilgrimage to the hiking trails for two hours. I sat downstairs with my family. I could have continued the life purpose course, but my jumpy mind made me forget. I can do a couple in the morning. As I say downstairs, I read the news to may family about NYC. Mom looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that I felt that it would be difficult to convince my family to let me move. Granny said that that is going to be the hardest part. Anyway, I am not moving. I knew it was a long shot. I continued sitting down there as my sister and mother argued about political correctness. I was able to see the partial truths in both perspectives. I tried to explain that these issues are complicated and can get very grey, like if one person likes being called black, but another African American. They also argued about systemic racism, so I showed them the quotes from the blog on this site as proof of systemic racism. The family got heated when mom said the n word aloud. Mom then told me about how we used to have white slaves in America. My sister told me not to trust her and do my own research. I have been practicing mental flexibility with spiritual teachers, and I applied to mom making claims about white slaves. I neither believed not disbelieved her. I listened to her perspective and with an open mind I considered the possibility. I then proceeded to do some research into white slavery. I discovered that there were white slaves before we officially became a country, but we switched to black slaves later on. Eventually, all the white slaves does and there were only black slaves. I did not draw any conclusions from the information in regards to modern systemic racism, but in case you did not know there used to be white slaves in this area. One drawback of facts like these is that they implicitly reinforce our modern racist worldviews such as blacks commit more violent crimes then whites, thus police force against them is justified. This can be hard to explain to some people who say "we are just discussing facts" unaware of what they are doing in the big picture. The issue then drifted to take culture. The argument became more and more heated. Granny and I agreed that this was going nowhere and we are making ourselves more upset. As they fought, I discussed several interesting points with granny. She finds spiral dynamics and ego development interesting for explaining our value systems. One point is that Peterson touched on sexual impropriety. He thinks that our society is not mature enough to discuss this issue. He believes that sexual impropriety is an underlying issue of abortion. Using this idea, I expanded to include issues like rape culture, LGBTQ rights, and our sloppy distinctions between rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment. We also discussed how people underestimate how complex these issues are and our perspectives are easily over generalized. This is how there can be partial validity to contrary perspectives, but these issues can get grey and difficult. We also discussed how people get very heated and ideological when it comes to gender issues like what happened at Nanny's house. Granny agreed that our society is not mature enough to discuss sexual impropriety as mom and my sister continued to fight about rape culture. The fight was not going anywhere, but I can have interesting discussions with my grandma as we compare today's politics to when she was a child. Try to calm your mind down. You have a ton of energy now that your cold is gone. My energy is through the roof, but I need to sleep. Good luck.

September 13, 2020 I spent a lot of the day in bed, but eventually I got jumpy. I did some running around until I meditated for about three hours. I am happy with what happens in deep meditation and I feel okay in spite of waking up at 2 in the morning. I continued with my life purpose course and I contemplated what do I want. I recognized that one of my questions was "How do I exist?". This is what lead me to meditation and contemplation. Maybe I could get a philosophy major, but I am still not clear on my vision. I am about half way through the first section. I then contemplated more deeply until I figured out why debating makes me feel dirty. No matter my position on any issue, religious, political, philosophical, ect., I still have a sinking feeling that I am hurting mankind. All of my judgements and criticisms are against my values. I felt worse about myself for judging terrorists and any other human being. My society taught me to be opinionated in politics, but I don't have to have an opinion. I am making a commitment to not judge anybody for any action whatsoever. True and false, good and bad, are concepts which imply opposites. Silence does not imply opposites like language does. I will keep meditating. My thoughts are slowing down and it is like peace comes from me. I would like to mention that My chess job is looking less and less likely. It makes me unsure about my alternatives for achieving financial independence, a job or career I like, and so forth. I am not satisfied with the default and I will make an alternative somehow. My search for my strengths continues. I have a limiting belief that I am too wierd to fit in uniquely to any one field. This could hold me back from finding my life purpose so I need to address this. Weird is good in terms of my unique way of thinking. Words cannot express how I feel for you.

September 12, 2020 I started off with a small cold that gradually got worse throughout the day. If the cold continues I may need to call a doctor. I ended up being less productive because I struggled to get out of bed. I was okay going into work, but it kept getting worse. I did not do much for the life purpose course or job searching. I might do that today, because I want a better job. I'm still sick this morning. Get well soon.

September 11, 2020 I was off work again. I did not sleep well because I kept waking up. I tried meditation, but I did not feel that I did good enough. I was constantly wavering and getting distracted. I still did the best I could. My sore throat was also bothering me throughout the day. It affected how much water I drank, not that it helped. Tylenol does not work for me. I still managed to continue the life purpose course. There is no way you can finish it in 50 days of you take your time and do it properly. I did more research into the chess job. Granny helped me find the resume which was for some reason on her computer. I did not edit it in two years, but I needed the format to help me out. I can finish my application for chess online tomorrow. In my self reflection I discovered that one of my most damaging beliefs is that a thing in reality is evil or bad. This makes me feel like I am unworthy of love when I remember all of my regrettable decisions. This belief is designed to make me feel worse about myself and create suffering. I this create a worse life than I need to and I have a lot to gain by undoing this idea that I am bad. A truer thought is that everything is good because everything is doing the best it can if that is what it is. I also contemplated deeply into the nature of opposites. I concluded that all thinking is relative to something else. I was seeking to understand that which has no opposite. It looked like opposites do not exist and they are imagined. I am not totally done, but I am capable of becoming conscious of that which has no opposite. I then did research and I encountered metaphysics. There was an ancient philosopher who felt like me. I seek truth because I feel like the opposites are at war and I am torn apart in the inside. Philosophers that came later said that reality is constant flux, but always the same. It talked about absolute unity and sameness vs. Difference like Leo did. I am interested in some of these alternatives to being at war. I am trying to become conscious of good and truth without opposites such that there is no opposite of opposite. I will probably take some philosophy courses of and when I go back to college. Meaninglessness is a vehicle for good in that it lets go of concept and imagination. One day I will become conscious of what is being sought. I think I will take the video of the 30 facets of awakening and contemplate one every day for a month. Apparently it is possible to become conscious of God within a month. Love has no opposite. I love you is relative love.

There are many people who could benefit from understanding politics on a deeper level. This includes spiral dynamics, ego development, the world values survey, and other useful models found on actualized.org. Many people don't know about these models, but we can use other political forums to reach them. The issue I am drawn to a lot is abortion because the fallacy of the heap implicates that all dualities are imaginary and relative. This includes the one true femto second at which abortion becomes murder. All of these positions are arbitrary and I think I can help people to let go of trying to objectify groundless positions. This gets people sucked into ideology and it gets harder to make progress in these complicated issues. I started a discussion on the following site. It is free to start an account of you want to. https://www.debatepolitics.com/forum.php In the abortion section I have a discussion about the fallacy of the heap if you want more people to learn about it. I think if there were many more people on other political forums discussing some of the models found on actualized.org, it would help more people to engage in politics on a higher level. It is hard to encourage people to do this because the lectures are long, but if we show the other sites how we apply the models for real practical benefits, they might look into it.

September 10, 2020 I did not continue the life purpose course in this day off, but I did a few other things. I walked up to the hiking trail and stayed in the woods for about 2 hours. I did not sit and meditate the whole time, but I did for a while. I had a very persistent spider who was just dead set on crawling on my face. It would just not go away. Eventually I sat on some rocks and my meditation is different out in nature. If I continue doing that as much as I can then I am starting to set up a decent habit. It is the days on which I work that I am concerned about. This is when I have the most fluctuations in my degrees of consciousness. My emotions can just turn into a bit of a roller coaster. I don't like my job, but it is still hard to get a good alternative. I am now thinking about archeology. My dad said he wanted to do that and I have similar motives. I want to travel and constantly learn so my mind is not numbed. New cultures can help open my mind which can help for self understanding and spirituality. I also wanted to be an explorer, but my mom told me that the entire earth has already been explored. This steered me away from exploration. I still want to see these things myself. The challenge is to set up my life such that I can travel more. I need enough independence to get on a plane for a week once or twice a year so I can go to another country. If I had an entire month off, I might try the meditation retreats. I could be searching for countries with psychedelics though to. I just really want to know. Next to I went to my grandma's house. I played some star wars and went swimming just before it started raining. I want to tell you that the clone army just sucks so badly. It is seriously hard for me to compensate for how bad the army is even with reinforcements. I had to redo yoda's planet, and I won by the smallest of margins on other planets. I think the enhanced blasters are better for gaining control of the map. This bonus is there the entire time and I don't really get to overwhelm the enemy with another garrison because I get limited units on the map. I had my brother play some parts of it as well. The most interesting fight was one I nearly lost in spite of putting in so much effort to kill large numbers of droids on my own. In the end it came down to the wire with 4 vs. 4 in spite of my extra garrison. I ended up killing over forty droids on my own, but my men were dropping like flies. Finally, I captured all the command posts in order to win on time. The droids were just about to take a post back, but it was too late. I had a lot of tense fights as I pushed through hoards of droids on my own. My men were standing in bunches blowing themselves up with their own grenades. The computer does not understand that spreading our is a necessary and good war strategy so you don't get everybody killed, but it was also a crowded board with many narrow hallways. Tough call on what to do with the clones. We have been having some power surges over here, and I hope the road work gets finished soon. It looks like it is getting better. Anyway, I will keep up my reflection to understand self and love. I need to sleep on a lot of things I contemplated and there is still many more things to read an review on actualized.org. Something is there which cannot be spoken or thought.

@Yog I reviewed the video on ideology. The trap I keep falling into is making an anti-ideology ideology. I never actually feel happy throughout the entire process of debating for a view point. I have removed the site from my bookmarks, and I might delete my account once I figure out how. Anyway, they told me that abortion was just a stalking horse and actually the fallacy of the heap is irrelevant to most people in this issue. Here is one thing that made me feel torn. On one hand, I could actually be doing good for somebody if they don't know about the kernel of truth within the ideology created. Because I felt that people might be helped by it, I started spreading the word, same with the psychological models. In the process I still feel dirty, but I am not clear on any other way to affect millions of people without spreading an ideology. Ideology is the short cut to doing it, but it limits me to one perspective as I constantly fear that I am wrong no matter what the content of my position. There is some impatience in helping mankind, so I will correct for that. Finally, how else to we affect millions of people without ideology? What is the alternative to what I just did? I am moving toward stay away from politics, but I don't think that works.

September 9, 2020 Today I worked from 10-2. I am typing this the next day so I don't remember as much. I won a chess game against an opponent rated 2180. Those guys used to be harder. I think psychologically a player can subconsciously be defeated when seeing a higher rating. I lose more against players rated 2300+, but I don't give up. I'm still around 2245. I then reviewed the episode on ideology. This is important for me to look over. I fell into some traps and I need to look at some older episodes again from a higher perspective. I don't need to make people non-ideological because that's an ideology. Finally, I did self reflection one what is a self. Eventually I had a conversation with God which was also myself. In the process I questioned where does my mind end and the body begin. I discovered that the mind is imagining where it begins and ends. Actually the mind is nowhere and everywhere with no beginning or end. I felt like I was the mind, but I assumed a limited mind located in the brain. There is still a lot of work to be done as this has not yet fully penetrated. I did not do the life purpose course as much, but I can jump back in that soon. I noticed that I felt like a needed to somewhat push myself to rewatch old episodes, but it is worth it just like my journey to the woods. I will tell you more later. Your beautiful.

September 8, 2020 Today I tested out my idea to sit out in nature for some time. I sat on a rock in the woods for about an hour. I noticed a difference in the quality of my meditation and a moderator recommended getting more of this when I have the chance. I still had a lot of thoughts about personal development. This reduces the quality a little, but it was worth it. I encountered some men who were training for cross country. They want to go to California for a gold rush. I told one of them about how I was meditating in the woods near a creak. He thinks it was solid and I was happy to see this group of people all working to achieve a spectacular goal. I wish them good luck and I hope they get some gold. I tried talking with my family. My sister could not understand me and I keep making her feel stupid. I told her that I don't mean to make her feel that way and I am just trying to talk to her. She said that I am too deep of a thinker seeing connections that she can't see. I tried talking to her about the news and politics. I was shocked at how under informed she was. She didn't know about Trump bombing the Iranian General during the impeachment hearings and how self biased the entire American media was. The way she thinks about politics baffled me. She told me that Americans are supposed to just a pick a news station they like and stick with it forever. I asked her about cross referencing sources first of all. Secondly, I asked her how does she know which media source is right. Chances are she picked the wrong one and all she is getting is opinions. Again she thought that I was way too deep of a thinker and she could not understand me. I saw a similar problem with religion and I thought this was a logical connection related to his divided Americans are. She told me she would give opinions on certain issues, but it didn't help because I just fried her brain. The problem with this entire process seems obvious from my point of view but she has no idea. She said that I was philosophically intense so I tried to find something that interested her to no avail. Finally, I continued the life purpose course and self reflected further. I noticed my mind getting better at juggling ideas that I initially feel are not right. This ability feels amazing because I can feel the joy of seeing the world in so many different ways without my mind needing to agree with it. I would love to keep practicing this. Keep continuing your work, Find your purpose, and learn to communicate with other people. I wish you good luck.

@Nahm I tried that for this day I have off of work. I managed to carve out a small chunk of time to go on a hiking trail near a creek where I meditated. I noticed a difference in the quality of the meditation and how my mind quieted down a little more. I think it was something about the environment that made the sensations change. Nevertheless, I still had a many thoughts concerning the life purpose course, my books, and other things about personal development. The tragedy is that this thinking makes it harder to stay present. Although it is important that I get the life purpose in order, I can pick it up again after meditation. I could only stay in the woods for a little more than an hour. My family still had demands that I came back to meet. It is hard to get totally nothing to do even in days off. I will still try something like this again in the future. I was getting kind of bored at some points, but this was something I never did before. If boredom comes up I can feel it more deeply which makes boredom interesting. Maybe this can improve sleep.

September 7, 2020 I worked once again from 7-3. Throughout the day I had a lot of racing thoughts concerning the ideological crusade. I notice that my mind takes a couple of days to fully adjust and work through all of the things that come up in the process. On the bright side, I had a good opportunity for growth. Note that my emphasis on growth is something I want which makes me a little bit of a self help junkie. Anyway, I got home and began looking at some of Leo's new video. It was pretty helpful and I eventually watched the whole thing. I did not read through the papers yet which will be worth it. I had some qualities of the pluralist, but only a little bit of the strategist. The life purpose course can help me get to the next level once I am not pulling myself in too many directions. Instead of continuing the life purpose course, I took a pen and paper and walked out to the park. I sat at a table and began self reflection. I was contemplating dogma deconstruction. I realized that spirituality had manipulated the entire way in which I self reflect, judge, and interpret the thoughts I see. I began questioning this as I slowly picked apart this frame of reference. The thing is that I felt that deep down something resonated with me as I listened to different spiritual masters. This became the root of assuming it was right which spirals out of control into dogma. Eventually, it is no longer true from point of view and this becomes dishonest. I noticed how my entire way of thinking, acting, and interpreting was being manipulated. This was toward what I thought was good so I can't be upset with myself too much for that. Anyway as the process continued, eventually it broke down more. I would prefer to be free and look at the world from various angles. Spirituality becomes a limitation which leads to enslavement by my own mind and ideology. I wonder who I would be if I could not think along the same lines I was thinking. I would have a lot less physical pain caused by my thinking of I did this. It could help my physical healing and psychological health. Finally, I plan to go out into the woods tomorrow to do nothing. I will take bottles and lunch, but I will be bored for a bit as I sit out in nature. My goal is to relax myself and take a day off from doing any personal development work. I can try this once a week which would be a huge difference in how I meditate. The main goal is to get away from personal development, but I am still thinking of how I can get better at it by doing this. The goal is to let go of personal development for one day and be freed from this productivity for a bit. Good luck as always. Have a nice break.

@Nahm that sounds amazing. There are rare days that I do a lot less and it actually feels better. Otherwise, constantly looking into personal development and life purpose might slowly eat away at me. One thing my mind is telling me is that it is a bad idea to schedule time off of work because I won't be as good as an employee if I request off to do nothing. I can at least do one it two days this week to start. I can walk up to one of the hiking trails and just sit. I will be taking several bottles and lunch supplies though for the several hours to be there. It sounds boring, but I think I will try it.

September 6, 2020 I worked another 8 hour shift. My plan for the day was to come back home and share my idea about teaching other people about spiral dynamics. I recommended the models to a few people already and they found it helpful and very insightful. Here is one of the videos in which I did it by leaving a comment. She found the alternative spiritual approaches to be helpful. I had no intention of forcing anybody to be like me if they did not want to be. By giving people new possibilities and new approaches that they don't know about, they can look into it on their own accord. Now regarding the essay about ideology. The only way I can logically explain how ideology is problematic is by talking or writing. This results in more ideology, but the intention is what it is pointing to, not the words on paper. I explained my idea that the fallacy of the heap implicates the collapse of all dualities in the issue of abortion. There are also a handful of people who find this helpful because they get stuck on arguing over whether or not it is murder. I In this way I am attempting to free myself and others from ideology, but I have still constructed another ideology outside of that from which I don't How to escape without being silent. The problem is that if I am silent, then I can't offer the possibility to anybody. It means that if we want to use spirituality in politics it requires speaking and spreading the word, therefore creating ideology and religion. I have not yet reconciled this paradox of conscious politics. I sent an apology to Leo to make sure I don't lose the life purpose course. I haven't yet watched the new episode of actualized.org. I will check that out and go to bed. I did finish another audio book, but no life purpose videos. I don't have a chance of finishing that in 50 days of I want to do it right. Don't get discouraged by failure. Don't fall down the negative spiral full of untruth about how bad you are. Get back on the horse and good luck on your journey.

@Yog I mentioned this idea in the outrageous quotes mega thread. I didn't mean to be a crusader blind to self bias.

If my recent post is seriously that bad, then I should mention it here. I seriously thought it was good idea, but actually it is so bad that no matter can explain how bad it is. I don't know if I should delete the post or not. the self bias comes from the moment in which we think we figured everything out when in reality we are so wrong that words can not explain it. Sorry.

@Lyubov I am getting worried and I will probably have to ditch this entire plan. I am thinking "Oh no did I turn this site into ideology?". " what have I done? ". This might be the worst political idea I have ever had in my life. I just be pretty bad at politics. Would you rather me get discouraged by this failure or keep trying to get better anyway? I think I should keep practicing. I thought this was a great idea because a few people actually found it useful. I must be the worst at politics for now.

@Leo Gura is it a bad idea?

September 5, 2020 I will need to hurry up because I have more early shifts tomorrow. Basically I slept better this time and I stayed more productive through the day. Despite 7 hours of work in the morning I continued with the life purpose course and played some chess. I began getting in touch with the joy of playing rather than the joy of winning. I played pretty well with only a couple of small mistakes. Outside of more productive things, I watched a speed run of son of Rome. I once played that game so intensely that I temporarily forgot how to speak English and I could not form sentences properly. That was ridiculous, but the game was fun. I ultimately beat it on Legendary, my second play through. I love the dedication of these speed runners. good job. Keep it up.

@Osaid i did everything except the psychological problem. That might be one of the causes. I don't drink caffeine at all and I do a lot of walking around the block. This messed up my tournaments so many times and sometimes the melatonin does nothing which is annoying.

@TripleFly I used to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor and did not have a problem with it. I tried that recently, but not for an entire week or so. I just kept getting into wierd positions on the bed with some parts sinking too deep and it gets uncomfortable. This leads to rolling around and that's annoying.