trenton

This is a good point. I felt that something still wasn't quite right. Love for love's sake is still a reason. If love just is then that makes it easier. I felt some resistance trying to love for love's sake. This is still relative love and it is easy to get lost in it. Thank you.

The death penalty is a good example. It is easy to be against the death penalty if you had an easy life. If you watched as your children were sadistically burned alive it would be hard for you to let go of your resentment. In the case of the death penalty an isolated incident could easily be the cause of a broad enough outrage to keep the death penalty. In fact I would be hated for diminishing the suffering someone felt from this intense trauma. It ruins your life to have a loved one brutally murdered. It makes sense that this would strongly distort your entire worldview. People want to have their perspective validated. This makes it very easy to take a single event that happened to you and then use it to reject other world views completely. Rape can be a similarly brutal example. Take for example a child who was sexually abused by a religious authority figure. There are several ways people could interpret the event, shaping their entire worldview. 1. The child could develop a tough kid attitude and become a life long criminal. 2. The child may reject Jesus and become a Satanist in defiance to the church. 3. People may be morally outraged and divorce themselves from religion entirely. 4. People may argue that the corruption of the church and the truth of the bible are separate issues. Therefore, church corruption does not invalidate the bible. Someone whose child was raped probably wouldn't like this argument. 5. The child might have an existential crisis and commit suicide. In any case, it is easy for someone not personally affected to look at multiple perspectives. Trauma is what makes people close minded after they take their first interpretation of an event. This first interpretation shapes their worldview and it is hard to question it for them. Tragically, questioning these interpretations may be a key to healing trauma. Trauma is a strong source of childhood vows that become the basis of your worldview.

I am noticing a pattern in my past trauma. Traumatic family situations and events commonly lead to misguided moral and political beliefs on the basis of limited experience. When trauma plays a role in our beliefs about society, it tragically serves to worsen our collective suffering due to the skewed, but emotionally charged perspectives we take. This can happen in any political issue, but especially terrorism considering how skewed of a perspective someone might have as a consequence of losing a loved one to 9/11. Our emotional pain creates a very stubborn bias and makes us close-minded. This is problematic because it not only perpetuates our own suffering as we cling to emotionally charged beliefs, but it often leads to well-meaning people misguiding others. Tragically, the most misguided beliefs tend to be the most emotionally charged, making them difficult to change. I will give examples from myself. I have had a lot of misguided beliefs and attitudes about sex, drugs, and domestic violence. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and was led to adopt many dysfunctional beliefs as a consequence. If the pattern continues, then I likely have many misguided beliefs about child support, the failure to pay child support, gang activity, misattributed paternity (which my father falsely claimed for one of my half brothers), women, men, adultery, how families with multiple male and female sex partners operate, the psychological effects said families have on children, many other issues involving dysfunctional families and how it causes children to hate themselves for issues they have no control over, and somewhat ironically autism. Other people often blamed me for my weird behavior which they continue to do and I morally blamed myself as a consequence. One example is my initial close-mindedness to psychedelics. I was afraid of this subject because of what people like my mom and dad did with drugs. My fear of drugs was reinforced by society spreading the well meaning, but misguided black and white advice of "just say no." This attitude led me to believe that psychedelics were just as bad as opioids. In fact the government still treats them like a schedule 1 substance, making them as bad as heroin. When I eventually watched Leo's videos on the stigma of psychedelics, it helped me to heal some of my trauma. I had adopted a lot of dysfunctional beliefs about drugs because of what happened with my parents, but I am now able to look at the situation from a broader perspective. Looking at my trauma from this broader perspective helps to heal the pain. With this meta frame in mind for all of my beliefs, I would like to discuss some of the beliefs I have picked up about society as a consequence of my upbringing. A common pattern is that I assume certain things to be more common than they actually are in an effort to trivialize my trauma. The reality is that even if a thing is common, it does not make the hurt feelings go away. A well meaning person might tell you "others have it worse than you," but this does not help and it makes me feel neglected. 1. Beliefs about Child Support One belief I have about child support is that a common tactic for avoiding paying child support is to switch your job in order to avoid getting taxed directly out of your paycheck. When my dad went to court, the judge was angry that he did not have a consistent paycheck. One of the loopholes or means of exploiting our current system is to switch jobs constantly. Our current court system is very poor at detecting and punishing this kind of behavior and getting the payment needed. Is the U.S. court system better at detecting this behavior than I currently believe? I am unable to find statistics on how many fathers flee the state to avoid paying child support. My gut tells me that it is common, but thinking about this logically it probably isn't common. Here are some of the statistics I did find about child support. https://www.verywellfamily.com/us-child-support-statistics-2997994 According to this site, only about 60% of child support is paid. This partially confirms my reality that dad fell behind on child support a lot. However, the reality of my case is that dad owed hundreds of thousands on child support. He paid far far less than 60% of what was owed. It seems that I was an exceptionally rare case of a really really bad father. I used to feel guilty for loving him and having a few happy memories with him, especially since he neglected my sisters and showed favoritism toward me. Apparently, there are around 13.6 million single custodial parents in the U.S. I am unable to find how many people live with a mother and father. My gut tells me not that many, but logically I think otherwise. It is amazing how much trauma skews your view of reality. I used to beat myself up for believing that somehow mom and dad would get back together and we would be happy. The heartbreak and betrayal makes me cold and less willing to love myself and others. This is mostly due to the fear of being emotionally wounded as a consequence of loving others. I therefore lied to myself by saying "I don't care," as if I do not love them anyway, but feel hurt. It appears that my true nature is always love, but my ego wants to reject this even though it is blatantly obvious. Most of my suffering comes from denying that my true nature is nothing but pure love. Part of the problem with child support laws and the problem with our laws in general is that they have fixed fines. Fixed fines are problematic if they do not account for inflation or if they hurt some families more than others for the same crimes. This allows the wealthy to become less fearful of breaking the law due to the consequences not being sufficiently felt. https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-support-enforcement The required payment for child support isn’t that much. It is only about 500 dollars a month. I pay that in rent for living with my grandma. Failing to pay child support also results in penalties that don’t make a lot of sense to me. First of all, how does putting someone in prison for failing to pay child support solve anything? How are the fines going to help if they can’t pay enough as is? I don’t understand how any of this in the legal system is helpful, but I’m not sure how the situation ought to be handled either. The children are just screwed in this situation and there is nothing they can do about it. Deep down I felt that my father should have gone to prison for the rest of his life. I didn’t call the police on him for his drug dealings because one I loved him, and two I believed that putting him prison forever would only serve to hurt my family more. I believed that he was paying more for child support than he actually was because he and his mom told me that my mom was greedy and trying to exploit him for money. This is a common lie about child support. My mom was struggling for money and started pawning electronics to pay the bills. I thought that she would struggle even more if he were in prison. Maybe this was selfish of me because I was not thinking about all the other families he was hurting with his gang. After he died it occurred to me to tell the police what I knew about the gang, but my grandma was unwilling to cooperate by giving the name of the man we saw with dad. I never understood what putting dad in prison would accomplish. Would the consequences have been better for my family if I reported all his behavior to my mother or to the police? Can somebody help me understand? I felt that I was forced into secrecy because my parents wanted to use me as a legal pawn against each other. I was therefore unable to discuss this with anybody and I was alone in trying to determine what was best for the family. I was closed, quiet, and not very sociable because the information I gave about either side was critical for determining the fate of the family. I wanted to talk to someone but couldn’t. The reason I sided with dad was because mom refused to listen to me when my siblings and I begged her to evict our abusive stepfather for our safety. The information I gave my dad had tangible legal consequences for my mother. I told dad that mom was a drug user. Dad complained about this in court to get out of paying child support even though he was a dealer. I will add my beliefs about domestic violence later. There is one possibility that troubles me. It is possible that my dad was maliciously manipulating me to get a legal hand over mom. He preached the bible to me and told me the bond between father and son was sacred. He threatened to disown me if I told mom where he worked. He insisted that if anything bothered me about mom and stepdad, that he would be available for me. The reason I think he was trying to be good was because of what happened with my stepfather. We cried as I told him that I had thoughts of murdering my stepfather. He wanted to get me out of the situation and tried to drive away with me, taking me away from mom. Apparently, this was an attempted kidnapping. I felt that my father loved me, and I loved him despite the emotional manipulation with which he used me as a legal pawn against mom. Otherwise, a lot of our relationship felt hollow and fake to me. “Father” felt like a term used to socially condition love. I therefore questioned my love for my family, wondering how much was genuine and how much was social conditioning. I also had a lot of suicidal thoughts and believed that I was a terrible person despite doing everything in my power to be good. Feel free to add your own findings on child support. I hope to add more trauma related beliefs later. I think this topic is critical for understanding people who seem close-minded and cold from a less judgmental perspective. Heartbreaking stories have a pretty big impact on how we think about the world. Try to find the issues which personally impact you the most, and pay attention to how emotional, ideological, and close minded you get. I want to confront these emotions that sit at the core of our identity. Some of it might boil down to childhood trauma like how you were raised. My goal in learning about politics is to be the best person I can be and to think as objectively and as unbiased as possible. When discussing issues that go to the core of my ego, I notice that my mind does not want to accept beliefs which make me angry because of the injustice that I personally faced. This issue seems to be critical for mastering the mind and our emotions as we learn to be as open minded as possible even when it is emotionally taxing.

I take it you mean that honesty is about showing or living by your true character then?

@Danioover9000 I noticed this as well. I am asking two questions at once. One, what would a highly developed person do? The answer seems obvious at first. The second question is much harder. Would you actually do it? This is when I really put myself in the Nazi's shoes and think about it. I probably wouldn't. These are two very different questions. Knowing the answers is not the sign of a highly developed person. You would have to actually follow through rather than making it sound easy through an inspirational philosophy.

I thought about it a little more. I am going to guess your answer. You should go against the Nazis even if it means risking everything. This is high integrity and idiot compassion would be to sympathize with the Nazis. It is better to die in a meaningless revolution than it is to support the evils caused by hitler. A highly developed would therefore be dishonest to people like Nazis.

@Leo Gura I'm curious about this scenario. Suppose a highly developed person is in a situation like the following. There is a knock at the door. You answer the door and find Nazis standing outside. They ask if you have seen any Jews or if there are any Jews hiding in your house. In this scenario there is a Jew hiding in your basement. Would a highly developed person tell the truth in this situation? follow up: Would a highly developed person let a Jew hide in their house in the first place in this kind of society? If I lived in that kind of society, I would be afraid to let a Jew hide in my house if it could get me killed. Realistically, my behavior would therefore support the Nazis. This sounds like a person who is not very developed. I don't mean to be personal, this is just survival. If something goes wrong, I could get us both killed. Is helping the Jew a form of idiot compassion in this situation? Would a highly developed person let go of their survival in this situation to help the Jew? What if you are also risking your family by helping the Jew? Should you help the Jew or just let him die? These scenarios are way more difficult when you take into account uncertainty in my opinion. Most scenarios are framed with obvious and fixed outcomes. It makes it easy for me to say that I would lie to the Nazis in that situation. Reality isn't that easy.

The evidence that the liberal mind is wiser seems overwhelming if you look just at America. Liberals are better educated and more open minded. Conservatives denied the existence of climate change for decades because their worldview is too narrow, myopic, or corrupt due to lobbying. Is the liberal mind always wiser? Maybe not in a harsher environment. If survival is tough, then the conservative mind sees the danger of compassion. provided an environment in which you can afford to be open minded and explore new ideas, the liberal mind suddenly seems much wiser.

It has been a while since I gave the update. The battle of bahkmut has been going on for months. It looks like Russia has finally managed to capture the city. At the same time their flanks are collapsing on the outskirts of the city. It seems that Ukraine was planning a counter offensive in the south, but this information was leaked by a Russian spy. The counter offensive has now been delayed as Ukraine looks for somewhere else to start a counter attack. It looks like the Biden administration is finally going to approve of sending f-16 fighters to Ukraine and the European nations will likely follow suit. The war has been costly for both sides with Russia apparently reaching over 200,000 casualties and with Ukraine suffering somewhat fewer but still devastating losses.

@Consept you are pointing out the core hypocrisy of people like Ben Shapiro. The point of saying "facts don't care about your feelings" is to make yourself appear rational and intelligent. As Ben Shapiro ends his debates like this, he is covering the fact that he is constantly using dishonest debate tactics such as gish galloping and cherry picking while fear mongering about the left. His bad faith argument commonly boils down to "you're with the left" as a means of discrediting your position without taking it seriously. None of these behaviors are rooted in facts but rather feelings. People become emotionally attached to the appearance of seeming rational or intelligent. This can be used to cover up their own insecurities about there emotions and how deeply it influences their worldview. It is like a rationalist who gets defensive and ideological about rationalism, but in doing so he becomes a hard headed false skeptic who thinks he's fighting for the truth, but really he is just entrenching himself in his misguided notions of truth seeking. He is locked in thinking, but discredits feelings as a valid means of truth seeking. Remember, it is impossible for the human brain to think without emotions. Understanding this does not make you a baby or a snowflake. it actually makes you more rational by recognizing the limitations of human thought. So long as people like Ben Shapiro deny the extent to which their emotions are shaping his worldview, the more they will be locked into pseudo rationalism as they constantly struggle to make themselves appear intelligent while relying on dishonest debate tactics, allowing falsehood to win.

@RebornConsciousness I would like to tell you, but I think I'm technically not supposed to.

I recently took some cannabis based edibles and I found them life transforming. I was blaming myself for my emotional issued for my entire life, but this is a game changer. My relationship with consciousness has changed because of this and I want to know about your struggles through this poll.

I did something to myself. My mom gave me some gummies. they were weed gummies. They made me happy. She gave me these gummies hoping it would help me sleep but my God I feel amazing. She said she was a light weight and she ate half a gummie to help her sleep. I don't know if she gave me the wrong ones. She gave me two gummies, but I think they were halves. I ate them both. I didn't feel any effects, until later. My body feels very relaxed. I had a ton of tension in my back and legs and face and neck. I tried body awareness exercises but I didn't do well. This works like God. My body was moving in weird ways as I pulled my muscles in ways I don't normally do it actually released the pressure and pain and !y God I love it. I love it I'm never could have done this without ut. I love it I started living and laughing a lot I loved it My brain is moving ways it down at normally !over Kik know how this will affect me tomorrow morning. I love it I wonder what the long term impacts are I hope it's good I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it okay I know I might be high but this is my first time in my life I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it up for it I'm for it it pic r I'll do t I'll over Florida p.o. I should probably post this came come back tomorrow I am Bering wierd. I love it I love you so I love all. Thank you. Bye

@Breakingthewall this is insane how people think their being is their fault. If psychedelics help people to flow through life then this is proof that our level of consciousness is not our fault. I don't want people to live their lives believing that their misery is their fault. If people had access to psychedelics it would help so many people flow through life effortlessly without all the self conflict. As soon as you try psychedelics, there is an immediate disconnect from the rest of society. It happens because people are afraid of psychedelics and they live on believing that they are the cause of their feelings and thoughts as they are lost in the illusion of control. Psychedelics reveal that it makes no sense to judge people for their particular brain structure and the extent to which it shapes their behavior. These people deserve nothing but love, but they believe they do not. This is the tragedy of so many people who struggle with depression and other mental health issues.

I am constantly trying to push myself. I am trying to be a better person. What ends up happening is that I push myself to the ground and I end up pushing myself through the dirt. I place high standards on myself and become hyper vigilant. This whole thing is me trying to be good. It comes from love. It makes me want to cry.

I am getting a better understanding of what causes a person to be unreasonable. They cannot help it because the ego identity is that strong An analogy might be a flat earther who for one day was convinced the earth was round, but the next day gets emotionally attached to all of the previous falsehoods again anyway. I know the falsehoods my mind is getting sucked into yet they are powerful. I know I can't change through willpower alone. I know that my experience in this thread was real. I know that my life is not the same anymore because of my first trip. I know that no human being deserved to be blamed for the person they are including myself. I know what ego backlash feels like. This is it. I embrace the misplaced frustration of this inner child that does not know how to peacefully move through life and enjoy his existence. This child does not act out of malice, but out of a lack of love. The child is trying to make changes but doesn't know how and feels frustrated in a way that ends up hurting itself. It starts to feel like I am hurting myself on purpose. It starts to feel like I enjoy hurting myself. I do not fear these feelings.

For some reason I am starting to have doubts that my experience was even real. I am having doubts as to whether or not it was really that life transforming. It feels weird because I have a recent memory of all of it and I recorded it above. It is obvious that I experienced something different. My mind is wrong to reject this experience yet I continue to be sucked into low consciousness. I know it isn't my fault that I feel depressed and suicidal sometimes, but my mind gets sucked into this belief without me trying. My baseline for consciousness might be a little higher than it used to be and if it is then that is progress. My mind feels strangely mixed as if part of me is denying the obvious yet it is powerful and hard to reconcile. I am currently trying to embrace this part of me that wants to deny everything that happened. My body felt totally different. Out is obvious that I cannot change through willpower alone. Reasoning does not settle the beast. I will not deny the feelings of resentment this inner child experiences. This inner child is prone to misplacing its frustration onto itself because of the illusion of control. These judgements are meant to create a sense of being in control of life despite the clear evidence to the contrary. I embrace your feelings, but part of me resists the psychological traps that are set up when sucked into this perspective.

Update: Um yeah, we are going back. My mind is going back to OCD tendencies with thinking I might do something horrible. I am calling myself an evil or horrible person. I noticed a suicidal thought emerging again. My body gradually became more tense until the point that I was numb to my body. Trying to exercise body awareness did not work because of how numb I was. In any case I know that these thought patterns will not be resolved through willpower which is how I have been trying to manage them. I refuse to live my life trying to manage this. I deserve better and I see psychedelics as a realistic solution. I understand that all other methods simply are nowhere near as effective. It feels so weird how I know that it isn't my fault yet I feel myself being sucked into lower consciousness anyway as if I cannot help but feel the urge to be selfish. This urge used to terrify me, but I am facing it more openly than I used to. I used to judge this feeling immediately as if it were a problem. It includes the pleasure in the suffering of others or in the suffering of myself. I understand that criticizing myself and other people will never be effective in bringing about change. I judged myself all the time and it never worked. I do not control consciousness because consciousness happens to me. Nevertheless, consciousness determines my entire attitude toward life. It is impossible to understand the value of consciousness without trying psychedelics. Spirituality will not make sense through mere intellectual activity of there is no reference point.

I see value in expanding on this with several examples. 1. Really good gamers feel like they can get away with treating others like dirt. The same applies to any field of expertise in which you view others as fools and thus look down on them, feeding your ego. 2. Religious institutions can get away with sex scandals for decades at a time. In the eyes of the people, the priests are too good to do anything so despicable. 3. In the eyes of trump supporters, trump provided a lot of value for the world. This helped to shield trump from accountability as he grifted his followers. This example demonstrates that you do not have to provide objective good or objective value to the world to get away with evil. You only need to make people believe you are valuable and they will protect you. 4. Biting the hand that feeds you is a common problem with parents and grandparents. They often get away with abusing kids because the kid needs them to survive. Standing up to authority is usually useless because they either exploit our survival needs to shield themselves from accountability or they delude people into thinking they are Christ like such as Donald Trump. I am often afraid of my selfishness coming out, causing others to judge me harshly. My inability to get away with selfishness makes me paranoid and hyper vigilant. I can see the survival benefit of providing massive value in that it allows me to relax. The fact that I can't get away with selfishness indicates that I am not providing massive value to society. For example, my employer treats me like dirt, they refuse to give me a raise despite superior performance, and they can't follow their own rules yet they threaten to fire me for breaking the rules that nobody follows. For example, they had me clean up period blood even though someone certified is supposed to do that, not just any associate because of the health risk. Although integrity is a core value of the company, it doesn't act like it. This is frustrating to me because I want to provide value to society, but I feel stuck in life anyway. Prior to getting high on weed, I had always felt like it was my fault for being unable to manage depression. I fought with myself to not make excuses and wanted to change, but I was simply unable to no matter how hard I tried. This is very tragic and it happens due to people not having access to psychedelics. I am better set up to provide value to the world from a psychological standpoint, but all the same challenges remain in place. I lack clarity because my entire life up to this point has been about trying to escape depression through therapy, emotional mastery, and spirituality. Hopefully, my newfound peace of mind will help me find the clarity I need. If I am being perfectly honest, then psychedelics are by far the best way to make me into the best person I can be. It is more promising than all other options. I tried to make my purpose about teaching emotional mastery, but deep down I felt that it was never enough no matter how hard I tried. I'm not saying that legalizing marijuana or some kind of psychedelic drug is my life purpose, but I know that it will do far more good for mankind than all of my previous ideas combined. My previous ideas were based on not wanting people to suffer in the same way I did. The problem is that I was still suffering.

@OBEler this was my first time trying psychedelics. We got Weed edibles while on vacation near the church of cannabis. My family was completely closed to psychedelics, but they did not hesitate to take these edibles across state lines in violation of federal laws. They are hypocrites, but it ultimately paid off for me. Most of the edibles are gone, but I managed to eat one of the last ones just in time. They had variants for sleep, creativity, and other cannabis based gummies. My family was completely against me trying the one for consciousness and awareness. They were afraid of me becoming more creative arguing that i am already too creative. They insisted on the one for sleep, but it was redundant due to my medication. The edibles for sleep didn't even put me to sleep anyway, but it was worth it. I had one gummy and it was enough to change my life.

There was nothing I ever could have done about my depression. No amount of books could have saved me. I was suffering constantly. I turned to spirituality in the hopes of relieving my suffering somehow, but nothing could have done this. People could easily get stuck in any spiritual group or religion for their entire life with false hope that their suffering will end. There is nothing they can do yet they blame themselves anyway. It is incredibly cruel and there was nothing I could have done it not for some kind of trip. I was suffering for my entire life and blaming myself. I was fighting with myself for my entire life and I could not stop the suffering. I tried therapy and I am just about to go back. None of that therapy could have done this. It didn't do it before. People cannot be expected to cope with depression like this. How can I ever be expected to find my life purpose and be fulfilled if I am always fundamentally miserable? I tried the life purpose course, but I couldn't do it. I really was too weak and unable cope with depression. I don't want people with depression to fall for the fiction that it is their fault. I was ready to commit suicide on so many occasions because I refused to live my life like that. I have been fighting with my life situation and dead end job looking for ways out, refusing to surrender my life to this depressing reality. I could have easily failed and ended up stuck in depression forever anyway. The teachings you get in spirituality and emotional mastery are ridiculously limited. They help a little, but it simply isn't enough and never will be no matter how hard I tried to love myself. It will never work at all. Psychedelics are necessary to cure depression more effectively. No amount of moralizing about suicide or intellectualizing about your life and spirituality will ever save you. You can't do it without Psychedelics. I want people to feel love but they can't because they think it is their fault and they can't access Psychedelics. I know my past self struggled to forgive himself. He felt that he wasted his life and he was responsible for his depression. He wanted to do something significant for the world and uplift mankind, but felt it impossible due to being trapped in life. He was suffering from episodes of suicidal levels of depression with no clear cause and he tried everything he could to love himself. He couldn't do it. He suffered like this ever since he was a child and he never felt happy with his life. There was nothing he could have done, but somehow he kept pushing. He wanted to find some way to live a meaningful life. He refused to surrender and wanted to try whatever he could. Yet it was only by accident that he experienced a life changing trip. He loves himself only because he is able to now. He didn't have the strength to love himself before no matter how hard he tried. I don't blame people for not having the strength to love when there is nothing they can do about it. I love you all and I want you to experience the best life possible. You will never deserve to suffer in the way you do. Psychedelics are required for anything like this to be possible.

I am in a clearer state of mind this morning. I love you all. My body feels different. I love you all how deeply did this change me? Was this a life changer? It might have been. I was not expecting this because those gummies were supposed to be for sleeping. They relaxed my entire body. Although I didn't sleep for a while, the gummies accomplished something else. I was not expecting this at all. I just feel happier as a baseline. This may have helped some of the psychological issues I have been struggling with. It is a long list of things, so I won't go through it here. So anyway, last night my body started moving in ways it doesn't normally move as tension in my body was released. I'm still doing this a little. I started stretching and tensing parts of my body for a moment. I also started masturbating in ways I wouldn't normally. It felt good. My body was very relaxed. I also started meditating as I noticed my mind acting in a new way in response to various thoughts and feelings. My brain moved in ways it wasn't normally and I think it healed me. I love you all. I paid attention to the entity in my trying to control myself as it tried to impose who I should be or how I should act. My brain surrendered this as happiness took over me. I hope you all have a happy life. Good luck. I love myself in ways that were never possible before. All of this was very unexpected but totally worth it. Have fun with your lives.

In being wird I am scrolling through pages aimless or and not caring about how it upe. I am not typing accurately and I keep going. I love it but anyway my body never felt this way before what the duck I love it I should turn off the tablet. Maybe I should keep recording what's going on I love it I am starting at the screen don't nothing. I don't let itm. I love it I'm still doing it My body feels hermeneutics I feel pain in my leg that was always there I'm moving again. I love it. Totally worth it

@Raze i am checking out the book now. I might need to purchase the ebook, but it is already good. For my entire life my brain has been a torture chamber and not just on the topic of sex. I often find myself going for walks for hours and I am wearing my legs out even though it gives me emotional relief. This right here could be the solution to all of this constant suffering I have been experiencing for my entire life. Thank you may sound light, but I hope you know this is a deep thank you.

I think this post will provide some useful insight into psychological defense mechanisms and how to overcome them. Ever since a traumatic event from when I was about six I have been judgemental toward sex. I very rarely overtly slut shamed anyone, but I did silently judge them and it hurts me. I used to be like the other kids laughing over low brow humor, but I started distancing myself from them. One of the reasons is that I thought they were fools. "Stupid" never felt like the right insult to describe the behavior of the children. It would be more accurate to say that I felt they were sexually improper. Part of the judgement was for fear of punishment. Sometimes I felt sexually harassed. This includes the girl who grabbed my penis in the lunch room. My avoidance of sexually improper conduct caused other people to think I was gay and they started bullying me for it. Even my family suspected I was gay, and I am only now clearing this up with them. Other girls in high school tried flirting with me, but I was silently repelled by their behavior. I saw kids drawing dicks on the walls. Part of me found it funny and I judged myself for it. I look back at the self judgement that comes from slut shaming and it is insane. It placed a ridiculous burden on me. I even judged myself for masturbation and all of my fantasies. Again I used "stupid" instead of "sexually improper." in this process of judging sex, I ended up picking up the belief that lust was sin even though I am not religious and never plan to be. I find it instructive that the human psyche is not designed for truth, but rather self validation. It will cherry pick any belief so long as it serves your identity. Recognizing that the attachment to this belief served the function of validation for my perspective of that time helps to let go. The sense of being morally virtuous is addicting as crack. It has a good feeling to it, but is actually low conscious. I did not understand how it would hurt me. I judged myself for gay and straight fantasies while having intrusive rape fantasies. These intrusive rape fantasies were often accompanied by suicidal thoughts. It's insane how much it hurts. One lesson I take away from the low consciousness of being morally virtuous, is that I call people out for different reasons. Moral righteousness often leads to smugness which In turn makes you seem immoral. It is the hypocrisy of moral superiority and it defeats the purpose of improving your character. My goal in calling people out is not to hurt them or feel superior. My goal is to raise our collective consciousness for the good of myself and others. I do so out of love, not out of the selfish desire to be morally superior. I even implicitly slut shamed my own mother. I wrote a message to her earlier today apologizing for something she may not have picked up on or may have forgotten. I am just now realizing how much mental energy I put into maintaining my memories. I have put a lot of energy into maintaining memories for fear of being self deceived through white washing my memories. This started after the incident from when I was six. In any case, I am trying to rebuild my relationship with mom despite my previous frustration toward her regarding her refusal to evict my abusive step father. I feel that I hurt her feelings unnecessarily in lashing out at her. All of this is the reason I live with my grandma now. My dad was a hypocrite in slut shaming my mom. He had children by multiple women and preached the bible to me. He made me feel bad about myself for masturbation. He called mom a slut when he learned that another man was spending time with her after Mike was evicted. Most men don't hold themselves to higher standards. I try to and it hurts more than you realize just through reading this. The shallowness of pursuing sex never appealed to me, but a genuine emotional connection with someone does. If sex happens in a relationship then fine, I just want love. I judged men and women throughout my life for sexual misconduct. It even found its way into my political beliefs. For example, when looking at an issue like abortion, I felt this underlying sense of disgust at women who abuse the procedure, getting 5 or more abortions. I was never overt, but I noticed that I had this underlying sense of slut shaming which was buried beneath the surface moral arguments against abortion. The anti abortion movement takes this to a greater extreme, but I don't see the need to detail this. It also made me feel morally virtuous again. Judging sex scandals always felt hollow and shallow To me for some reason. It seems like a cheap social outrage To be carried away by. For example, I judged churches for raping kids, but something felt off and dirty about it for some reason. I don't know if this is the reason, but I feel the pain of sexual repression myself and intrusive rape fantasies scare me. It is not hard for me to imagine that someone might snap under this and become an actual rapist. I don't think it makes sense to judge them. I also judged sex songs and dances with revealing clothing. again, the energy that goes into judging sex to the point that songs make me uncomfortable is ridiculous. I am still not desensitized to this. Sometimes I cringe over these songs. Even good songs are ruined when I realize they are about sex but I didn't realize it previously. My dad was interested in strip clubs, but I wasn't. I am afraid of getting a lap dance because I'm afraid of not being able to control myself and I will end up touching her. I probably won't, but I'm afraid anyway. Controlling myself around others had never been issue but I'm afraid it is for some reason. There were people judging my autistic behaviors, but nothing worse than that. To this day the thought of approaching girls In a bar or night club makes me cringe. I would rather approach girls In the open during the day. The series "how to get laid" rubs me the wrong way. It sounds click baity and it implies motives which I dislike. I could watch it. I'm not afraid to anymore. I watched part of the first one. I am judging bars and nightclubs as having lower quality women, possibly as a consequence of my past slut shaming. Would someone care to dispute my belief that approaching women during the day will yield higher quality women? Perhaps my recent experience with a flat earther should be a counter example. I find it ridiculous how close minded they are. In any case, slut shaming seems like a cheap way to make oneself feel morally virtuous and it causes enough pain to make you suicidal. There are probably other examples from high school or through other parts of my life that I don't remember at the moment, but I hope you find value in this message. I wish you nothing but love, good luck.