ZenAlex

Around 2015, a switch flipped inside of me one day. Since then, I've felt by default way more flat emotionally, and in a state of regular unease for more often that seems to overshadow many of the things I used to enjoy. I experience no excitement, no passion. I can calm myself down and find some peace, but it's limited. I've given up alcohol and caffeine for years, no recreational drugs or cigarettes ever, I eat way healthier than ever. I've at times played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV, but have given these things up for months at a time to try and remain more in the present moment, and go for hikes, meditate etc. I've gone to therapy but it wasn't of much use. I've tried socialising more. I've also stopped jerking off and watching porn regularly, and have only done these things occasionally for many years now. Sometimes this has helped and I've felt a bit better, but nothing ever seems to really fully resolve the issue. I can only manage it. I admit I didn't at one point live the healthiest lifestyle, but for years now I've been much healthier. Did something happen to my brain chemistry that is now irreparable? I feel like at times I've found some peace, but nothing I do seems to resolve this shit. And at times I feel like it has gotten worse. The only thing I've not really tried is anti-depressants/other drugs. Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

I don't really jerk off much anymore as I am on nofap. The last time I had a serious jerk off was before christmas, I experienced a hefty ejaculaton, probably because I hadn't jerked off in about 4-5 months before then. That's another thing - Looking at porn and jerking off makes me feel really irritable and depressed afterwards. It makes the symptoms worse. It was the first thing I did to battle depression back in 2015. I noticed an improvement in anxiety and depression about 2 weeks after nofap started. I noticed since then when I would sit down to jerk off or look at porn, experience any sexual excitement was coupled with a weird shaking of my entire body, as detailed in my OP. It's like something has been fundamentally wrong with my body since a young age. I've never experienced strong sexual attraction to anyone, and have never really had strong, lasting erections. I left behind my friends in school at 17 and have never had friends since because I simply never felt the need to bond. Something is very wrong with my brain but I've just try to manage and live around the symptoms.

This. Homosexual OCD and Pedophilia OCD are both real things. Look it up OP. lol "repressed gayness".

Never idolise a guru/spiritual teacher. The role attracts narcissists. I notice that they find subtle ways to make people reliant on them and mess them up so they can "repair" them and say they are responsible. It wouldn't surprise me if this guy was just another narc cult leader, the most obvious one I ever saw is Teal Swan.

The thing I've been pursuing really for years is zen/peace and beauty. I want to be able to master my internal state and enjoy the beautiful music and nature I was able to enjoy at one point. It felt meaningful to be in nature, although I cannot really much now because of my issues. At times during my issues I was able to get myself into some pretty peaceful places, although I had to have very strict routines to get such an end result. So kind of, although at times I feel like just ending my existence because my symptoms for once haven't improved in several months and I struggle to get peace beyond just calming everything down. It's difficult to be hopeful when you don't know exactly what's wrong.

Why did you stop? Just curious. I never followed gurus but sometimes their advice was helpful. Sadhguru's followers never really annoyed me as much as Teal Swan followers.

He was in such incredible pain that none of his techniques would suffice and he needed the help of science and technology. He was in such incredible pain that even he couldn't bear it. This should enlighten everyone as to why it is compassionate to allow assisted suicide at times because there's only so much anyone can bear, regardless of there level of mental discipline.

Nice. I eat sweet potato 5 days a week. Why do you like pomegranates so much? What specific health benefits?

I dunno guys, my brain is weird. Even before these more recent issues, regardless of what diet I followed I often felt a bit weird, off and funny. I believe I have an anxiety disorder, probably OCD, depression, ADHD (diagnosed previously), possible ASD or SzPD.

These were the docs comments about my shbg Although the total testosterone level is marginally high, it is now generally agreed that the 'free testosterone' is a more accurate estimation of the true testosterone level in the blood. By this reckoning, you do not have excessive testosterone in the body. The high total level is likely to be down to a high level of Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) level. SHBG is a protein made by the liver which transports hormones in the blood. It favours testosterone and oestrogen, but can potentially transport all hormones, including thyroid hormones. When hormones are carried on SHBG, they are not active, and only free hormones (those which are unbound) are able to enter cells to cause effect. If SHBG levels are too high, the effective level of hormones may be too low to exert proper effect. SHBG can be elevated after intense training programmes (although will often drop in the immediate aftermath of an event), in hyperthyroid states, if too much thyroxine is taken and if there is chronic liver disease and in other circumstances. Lowering the SHBG level may have an impact upon general performance, and will increase the amount of testosterone available to your body. Increased protein intake and a number of supplements - eg Boron, Magnesium, Calcium, Zinc Vitamin D, Fish oil (or any other polyunsaturated fatty acid supplements) and Tongkat Ali - may all help lower SHBG levels.

These were taken end of january 2024. These were done in november 2023

Makes sense which is why i was stunned when my blood tests came back with normal cortisol levels.

Maybe you're right, but I thought the MMA test would confirm that but it's normal lol. It's one thing serum and active b12 but if your MMA test shows no signs of deficiency, it starts to feel unlikely. My b12 levels are definitely not optimal but that doesn't mean I have a deficiency. I do appreciate your advise buddy. I am eating meat, eggs, cows milk and cheese. I've got a version of cows milk that has 3-4x as much b12 as normal milk or non-dairy milk. I'm eating wild caught salmon 3x per week, chicken/lamb, cheese. Milk everyday. I'm nervous about the idea of getting shots because I cannot be sure my issues are definitely b12 related. Even if my b12 levels are not optimal, I cannot be sure my condition is a b12 deficiency. Shots can cause serious side effects. My doc will not do a b12 shot. They're convinced my b12 levels are fine and I shouldn't listen to anyone else and ignore other companies tests lol.

I am a loner. I feel content in it. I don't get lonely. I have a social job that though requires me to speak to people daily. I have never had a relationship, I have no real sexual drive, have never really found anyone significantly attractive. I have tried to socialise more at times. I set up an online group for people with social issues in the later stages of covid and it helped a lot of people make friends. I find that I'm a bit socially anxious, but not that much that I cannot socialise. I simply notice that i just don't have much interest in socialising. It doesn't excite me, the only thing that interests me is activities that may involve being social like attending football games etc. I find that I'm a bit awkward (potential autism/schizoid), but I can people myself for the most part, but I often don't speak much, not because I hate people or that I'm holding back, I just notice I simply forget I'm around others because they don't interest me that much. I do notice though a lot of my thoughts that I'm discussing with my therapist are negative social thoughts, so hopefully I'll gain insight. But when I'm around people I'm not usually very antagonistic.

Any chance of mushrooms causing me to get worse?

Yes. Most of my testosterone readings are normal, but apparently my SHBG levels are high.

One thing I've noticed is that throughout my life my lobido has always been quite low, and I've experienced very little sexual attraction to others and no real romantic interest in people. I've had dulled emotions for about 10 years or so.

I don't do drugs of any kind. I've changed my diet since these symptoms started to see if it would make any difference, no dietary changes when the symptoms started though. I didn't exercise regularly for about 6 weeks before these symptoms started, so I'd expect maybe a slight reduction in fitness, but certainly not enough to cause all of these fucking issues. I get 7.5-8.5 hours sleep per day. Since these issues started I do get some interrupted sleep, maybe 1 bad night per week, but that's it. No sleep issues leading up to this.

There's no way you'll know what happens when you die until you actually die. Every belief about what happens when you die or after death could all be complete bullshit.

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Seeing a psychologist right now. Have done therapy twice already, but this time I'm paying for it. Still no alcohol/caffeine. Still meditating daily. Still keeping track of my thoughts. Still perfecting diet. Will consider signing up for IFS therapy. According to my psychologist the waiting list for IFS in UK is 2 years, but maybe I can find an online course.

So my mental health has taken a downwards turn over the last 6 moths or so, to the degree that it's impacting me physically and I'm getting psychosomatic symptoms it seems. Stimulating activities like exercise, work and other things are effecting me worse than usual and my thoughts are more severe. I've done so many physical tests and there's no clear answer as to what is causing it. But I do notice that stress/mentally stimulating activities are quite big contributors to the symptoms, so I assume it's just a case of my mental health declining and these are now the symptoms. I've gone back to see a psychologist, and they happened to bring up IFS Therapy. He cannot perform on it and said the waiting list for that therapy in the UK is about 2 years. He will be doing other forms of therapy on me such as considering emdr therapy and other such therapy, but were just in the process of understand my more deeply. I saw an NHS therapist/psychologist previously and I didn't gain much from it. But I've paid for a private psychologist now, and I feel we've made more progress in 3 sessions than I did with my other therapists in about 20 sessions. I've heard of IFS therapy before and watched videos about it but I suppose never followed up on it, although It makes perfect sense. TL;DR What I want to know is, is it safe to do it by yourself without the guidance of a professional? Is it likely to succeed if your dedicated? Looking for success stories and advice.

@Michael569 Hey Michael, sorry to bother you as I know your life has been on top of you recently. Can you provide any insight on the above? I answers your questions for you. Didn't want to pressure you as I know you're busy, any time you can take a lot of these, I would be very grateful Thanks.

It is always possible it's all in my head but I don't know how many tests I need to do to be absolutely sure that it is tbh. I'm going to purchase a detailed food intolerance and allergy test and see what happens there. It tests for 200+ food intolerances plus also tonnes of allergies. I've got a good psychologist now that seems way more knowledgeable than my NHS one I had previously. We'll see what happens. It will be a complete assessment of my mind and body. If anything comes from all of this hopefully it will be a deepened level of self awareness and mastery. Hopefully it is resolvable. It has been difficult to calm my mind. It has made me appreciative that, for some people, meditation/yoga and standard self help activities really aren't enough in some people's cases. The stuff that worked for me for a long time isn't as effective anymore.

I have been reading some posts on this forum and came across this - https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/41799-psychosomatic-symptoms-from-anxiety/, whic What this guy said really resonated with me. He talked about him having to focus on certain tasks triggered his physical symptoms. I compared that to what I was going through and something clicked. ---------- As some of you may be aware, I've been making posts on the forum, mainly in the health section, where I talk about what I'm trying to rule out when it comes to my symptoms. I've had plenty of blood tests done now, and although there were some signs of what could be causing it, there's no clear deficiency or irregularity in my blood work that are proving to definitely to be causing my problems. I've spent plenty of time, when I'm not procrastinating, trying to figure out why my symptoms are there. A thought occurred to me, when scanning for patterns and connections in the symptoms and what happened, that my stomach issues were the worst in January when my job was the most busy. Towards the end of last year, my call centre was quietish and it gave my mind more time to calm. But at times in january my lightheadedness and stomach problems were the most difficult they'd ever been, and that correlated with me having my mind engaged constantly with taking call after call for the first time since the issues started. I do notice a connection between stress/anxiety and my symptoms now, and I believe my mental health at some point gotten worse and these physical symptoms are a symptom of that. I notice that being at work and doing work that I'm doing makes the lightheadedness worse, so it seems stress related. Any form of mental stimulation is contributing to the symptoms. Monday I spent an hour focusing on a call with my psychologist and reading lots of material, and I felt incredibly irritable afterwards. I am dealing with a psychologist now. I've made changes to my diet to make sure I'm plugging up any nutritional gaps just in case that contributes, but not sure if it is. Important fact, when I look back to around the time my depression/anxiety got the worst, it was about 3 months after starting this new line of work. I never made the connection, but maybe being such an introverted/socially anxious person combined with having to deal with so many customers every single day just didn't click well together and I was so hyper-aroused by the situation I started to suffer with Hypo-arousal, which would explain years of emotional flatness and anhedonia like symptoms. https://mi-psych.com.au/understanding-your-window-of-tolerance/ My psychologist gave me things like his to read while we wait for our next session. It all starts to make sense now. People who suffer from psychosomatic problems often struggle accept it's all psychologically driven and need lots of negative tests for physical problems first before they accept it's psychological. I may be wrong. But we'll see.