ZenAlex

When I was trying to avoid fapping, I sometimes had to stop watching ASMR videos by girls because it would make me want to jerk off.

I'm going to try my best not to procrastinate, and take my information to more and more doctors. It's time for less theorizing and researching possibilities and more practical. It's been 8 months now ffs. I keep slapping myself for not doing more practical but it's difficult not to procrastinate when you don't know where to look and your doc doesn't really know and is taking stabs in the dark like you are.

Going to document my recent suffering here and talk about everything I'm experiencing and everything I've tried to rule out and considered. Hopefully this will have some value to summarize all of it here, and may one day help someone else in a similar situation. I'll start by saying I'm annoyed at myself because at times haven't really done much practical to resolve these issues, just researched and procrastinated a lot when I couldn't find anything. ------------------------------------------------------------- About 7 months I started getting a strange set of symptoms. I've had unexplained symptoms for 8-9 years, and I'll document them below just in case a connection is made, but the symptoms I had before the last 7 months weren't getting in the way of me functioning like a healthy enough human. It was functional and reasonably enjoyable if I followed the right routine. Symptoms that started around aug/sep 2023 - Exaggerated stress response to physical activity - Any amount of prolonged physical activity makes me feel worse, but anything more than around 40-45 minutes of walking a day and I feel way more depressed, anxious, irritable. There's no way I could handle doing high intensity exercise or hikes right now. I've gotta keep the walks below a certain level or it ruins my mood for a while and also triggers physical symptoms. If I did 1 hour a day, I'd still be able to function but I'd feel terrible. Above an hour a day, I'd be seriously suicidal. At times I experience lightheadedness and weird feelings of being unbalanced - Especially happens on days where I've had to walk more or gone on walks. When I stop physical activity for a few days the symptoms calm right down. More sensitive reaction to mental exertion. Physical exertion impacts me more, but mental exertion is also pretty bad. Random bouts of tinnitus - Exacerbated by physical exertion and sometimes mental. At times sharp pains around my body - Ab, rib, testicular. If I keep physical activity to an absolute minimum, it's minimal pain. Sore stomachs - The worse the symptoms get the worse my stomach gets along side that. I get GI issues, although if I avoid physical and sometimes mental exertion, the symptoms calm and are correlated by the level of physical and mental exertion involved. -------------------------------------------- What have I tried to resolve this? - Tests Had many different blood tests done - Looked at vitamins, minerals, cholesterol, hormones, thyroid, autoimmune. B12 potentially not optimal, although active b12 within range, MMA test showed normal, so although it could be improved, not convinced b12 deficiency to such a degree that I'm willing to do Shots/High strength supps for reasons I'll get into below. Omega 3 ratios weren't in January 2024, but on advice from Michal took a Fatty Acids test and will see what that comes back with. SHBG levels were out of range. MPV platelets slightly high but no concern to docs, HDL cholesterol was slightly low in Feb, but doc was not concerned as LDL cholesterol and other cholesterol was "excellent". Other tests done - 24 hr ECG, 24 hr BP monitor by NHS doc. GP commented that sometimes BP dropping a bit low, have noticed this when taking myself, can do as low as 95/58, but often not that low, GP said it could be because I'm healthy. Heart results sent to cardiology, they want to do a 72 hour test and get me to fill in a diary of activity. Food intolerance and Allergy test - Food intolerance test was IgG, not sure I have much faith in it, but the Food and Environmental Allergy test was IgE - Dust mites was one of the highest and I have known dusty rooms were a big irritator to my eyes. Not sure if my eye problems are related to underlying health issues or one specific allergy, but will continue to eliminate and allergy proof my environment, and see if I notice any patterns and connections. Tests done and awaiting results - Done by me via company - Fatty Acids; Erythrocytes, DAO Histamine (Will consider an anti-histamine at some point to see if that helps). Done by nhs doctor - Fasting "9am test" SHBG/Testosterone, Cortisol, Thyroid recheck. Tests ordered - Cortisol 4 point Saliva test, Active b12 recheck test (to see if dietary changes are impacting or if amount has lowered since nov), Covid antibody check test (not hopeful but might as well). ------------------------------------- Diet - Eliminated Gluten - Stomach at times seems to feel a bit better, but not sure it had much impact. Other symptoms still very present. Am going to eliminate soy starting from later this week. Other - Ruled out hypoglycaemia - One of the first considerations since my issues come during physical activity. Thought it may be a blood sugar issue. My blood sugars were always within range. Even went out for a walk early morning, hadn't eaten since 6pm the day before, it was 8am, so 14hr fast. When I got back home after a walk, blood sugars within range, would often take 2-3 retests. The very occasional low result would be proven false after retests. Blood sugars would always return to normal in reasonable times after eating. Health Anxiety ruled out - I have at times taken holidays from work and using computers, so I wasn't researching or trying to figure out my symptoms at all for 1-2 weeks at a time, it made little difference to my mood, and my symptoms were present. Since physical exertion is the primary exacerbator, I'd say this is unlikely, especially since the symptoms started before I was even looking into the symptoms at all. I highly doubt this is the issue. Am seeing a psychologist - Have had depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD symptoms for many years, plus other negative mental health symptoms. Have never been able to resolve them just manage them. Since my mental health symptoms are obviously worse now, I am still open to the possibility it's a psychosomatic issue, although I'm not convinced. Still, trying to improve my mental health cannot hurt, I will hopefully gain more insight into my issues with a Paid Psychologist, rather than a free NHS one, which in the past have been basically useless. Allergies - Trying to make my apartment less friendly for Dust Mites, Mold, bought an air purifier, will see how this impacts everything. Considerations for possible causes/issues - Adrenal fatigue - I suffer from some of the associated symptoms. Nothing I looked into as an answer really seems to be differing from what I am doing. Nutrient deficiency - Still a possibility, although not entirely sure. Everything so far as come back either optimal or adequate range, except Omega 3 which Is why I'm getting the fatty acids etc test done. Dietary Issue - Gut problem. This shouldn't be too difficult to test for as I eat similar things most days. I'm annoyed at myself a bit for not going through dietary elimination sooner. Long covid - Maybe, although if I did catch Covid, it wasn't symptomatic at least not to a noticeable degree. Some of my symptoms line up with Post Exertional Malaise, although I don't feel particularly fatigued, just mentally bad amongst other physical symptoms. Cortisol Dysregulation/Nervous system issues/Mental health issues/Chronic stress - I haven't drank alcohol regularly or caffeine in years, but I have at times binged video games. I often am concerned about times in my life where I may have overstimulated myself. But the only thing is the only real answer to managing this seems to be stuff I'm already doing. My life isn't particularly stressful, there have been times I've not worked out as often, times where I've been less enthusiastic about meditation, times where I've allowed video games back into my life, but never have I allowed Allowed regular alcohol use, caffeine use, back into my life, and my diet has been healthy for a long time, I've never really slipped up on that. Potential bad reaction to supplementation - I have seen some people talk about b12 supplementation triggering symptoms, and the months leading up to my symptoms starting I supplemented Cyanocobalamin daily, which is something I'd never done before the months leading up to these issues. I've even found people with Adrenal issues talk about this specifically. I hate when people say "just take supplements", as if there are no downsides lol. Supplements are unnatural to the body, they could definitely have side effects. https://www.reddit.com/r/adrenalfatigue/comments/16e0szn/adrenal_fatigue_through_vit_b12_supplement/ https://www.reddit.com/r/adrenalfatigue/comments/16gyp1i/b12/ I'm very concerned about supplements and medications, I'd love a natural solution to all of this.

After a few more tests I'm going to strongly consider switching doctors to see if another better reviewed doc will help. I will take all my INFO to them. One condition I'm strongly considering I have is POTS or orthostatic issues. Today on my walk I will take my BGM again and my BP monitor.

Fasting glucose? Don't think I've ever taken this. My fasting blood sugar on the BGM seems in normal ranges. But it seems to be a bit low during walks which is why I think this diagnosis makes sense, although it may be b.s My HBA1C is usually the low 30's when I've had it done but I didn't fast before the test. I will mention this to doctor. I was consdiering the possibility of REACTIVE hypoglycemia, as the symptoms come on often during or as a result of exercise. Here is my diet plan for 200g carbs - Not what im eating now. Breakfast Oats 50g + 75g of avocado + 20g of flaxseeds w/ coconut milk Tofu 200g + small amount of baked beans Lunch - Currently eating 100g of medjool dates daily, but that has 75g of carbs just in that, so wil cut that out from next week. Salmon 170g Banana, pinapple, strawberry, blueberry fruit salad 50g of cashews. Dinner - (currently having 50-60g of brown basmati rice + 200g of baked beans with it, will cut this out). 250g of sweet potato Chicken breast Gluten free gravy Spinach/asparagus with some olive oil. Chia pudding with cashew/coconut milk, maybe a small amount of chocolate milk for flavour. Currently clocking in at around 2300-2500 cals depending on portion sizes. 200-210g carbs.

Not specifically Ketogenic, but I am considering lower carbs significantly. I've been eating 100g of medjool dates and lots of rice etc for a while now. I have a feeling my recent issues could be an issue with blood sugar, but even if not, lowering carbs is worth trying because it may make me feel better or worse and therefore it's worth experimenting. I wanna try getting carbs down from around 350-400g a day, to 150-200g and see how I feel. Anyone with experience care to share useful info?

Go to the journals section, I have a diary on it.

Not keto!

DAO test came back normal. Will be looking forward to my echocardiogram report back. Am gonna spend some time today formulating a diet lower in carbs, and see what happens. Still taking b12 sublingual, no noticeable changes yet. Am still noticing that I feel worse after any ejaculation, even though I'm not masturbating/watching porn, even just wet dreams.

If all the lifestyle changes and therapy in the world doesn't work, how can I accept going on meds which may have side effects?

Depression and BPD. At the end of the day we don't know how it feels for her. Depression comes in varying severities, and along side BPD which is one of the worst disorders to have. She may simply not be able to enjoy her life, doctors cannot do anything more.

In my opinion, we can bring a quicker end to this debate by asking ourselves "who's decision should it be?", the person themselves or the people around them? Who gets to decide when a person dies? In a controlled environment, I think you should have the right to do it. I am for Assisted suicide, you're all free to be upset, disappointed at a persons choice but it's theirs to make not yours.

Did an echocardiogram today at hospital. It was weird hearing my heart rate. I had to walk a mile there, nothing strenuous but still brought on the symptoms. My resting heart rate at the hospital sounded around 80-90. She didn't say anything but spent 10-15 minutes looking around and said "your GP will contact you". I hope it's something conclusive, even if it's bad news. Walking around today I used up my 5k step limit so not gonna do anymore because despite my eagerness I know it will just lead to a shit week mood wise. I'm going to do some more blood glucose readings on my walks this week, and then report my findings again to my doctors, and will look to plan a low carb diet, and see what happens with that.

So I decided to test the blood sugar/hypoglycaemia idea again, and decided to take my glucose monitor with me. I got some low readings half way through a 45 minute walk. 3.7, 3.5, 2.5. I'm not sure how much I can trust these readings, so I'm heading back to my hypo forums to ask more questions. Will ask about hypoglycaemia diets and see what helps. If it is Hypo it's reactive hypo. Am considering Ketogenic diet. Will look into a continuous BGM. I really miss hiking and my Zen. But not gonna bitch about it. It's not way too bad. It's made the last 8 months fly by in a bad way tho.

While doing my therapy session today, I realised I couldn't conjure up any positive memories, and although I can remember details from when I was like 3-4 years old, I couldn't conjure up happy memories in relation to people, even those closest to me. People don't matter that much too me personally, despite part of me wanting to do good for humanity.

Going for an echocardiogram tomorrow. Just doing what the doc says at this point. No idea if it will lead to anything. Am gonna have a shower, go for a 5k step walk, stop part of the way through at a local quarry to breath deeply in nature, and monitor how I feel. Since I have to walk to the hospital tomorrow, that will be my step limit almost reached just from that lol Will see what happens. Am still taking the b12 sublingual, no changes noted yet. Sometimes I get random feelings of my not breathing right. Weird feelings around my chest, but since the feelings are not extreme, I don't know what to think of them. At times I get really frustrated just concentrating on things. Still meditating, using my nights to listen to ambient sounds, do my therapy defusion techniques. My next appointment is next wednesday and received my invite, 1st of may.... We're almost in may already man! Part of me thinks "damn we're almost half way through another year", but realised it would still only be 1 3rd. I gotta remember to just figure out ways to enjoy my life now as it's only happening now, and not to make this a waiting game for recovery. I can still enjoy some music, I can still sometimes go out and watch sport, I can still sometimes focus on true crime and horror documentaries. That's at least something.

Just ordered what should be an accurate test to determine if I've had covid, from an NHS backed website directly.

I don't really have much idea where to look at this point, and it sucks. I keep thinking it must have been something I've done wrong in the past, but I don't know exactly what. I have at times binged video games and TV, but that's about the unhealthiest thing I've done in years. Everything I try would feel like a stab in the dark. I'm getting more tests done but don't know where to look in general. This blows. Considering nucleocapsid test for covid.

I'm sure that there's something physically wrong with me on some level which is what caused these recent issues and my long term unexplained anxiety and depression, especially considering that I have no serious trauma in my past, nothing that really worries me that much Even the anxiety I developed felt more like random uneasiness that was there for no reason and has at times got better with lifestyle/dietary changes. I want to care and I want to get better but logically I know that life could be good but I struggle to care and get motivated, and I don't know what else to do really.

Got my cortisol saliva test back. Every came back absolutely normal. Some of the people telling me that this is just stress... it definitely isn't mate.

It's really difficult for me to feel motivated. It's difficult in an apathetic and emotionally flat state to really care about anything. I want to resolve these symptoms, but sometimes I don't really want anything. At times after working hours I'll literally just meditate and sit with ambient sounds on for hours because that's all that makes sense to do. At times I feel like there's no serious symptoms, just flatness and detachment from anything. ---------- I am going to get a continuous BGM to test the blood sugar theory again, see what happens there. I should get my saliva cortisol test back and see what happens there. I am also considering the possibility this could be a gut issue, and am considering fasting or elimination diet and see what happens. --- Even before these more recent issues started I've have anhedonia, apathetic and depressed feelings for so many years now that I forget what it's like not to be this way. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to continue on with life at all, although I try to assume there's a good reason, and sometimes I will feel good and try to use that as my motivation as much as possible.

Yeah, I used to remind myself of things like this to forget about the idea of "I'll live until 80, so I'll do it tomorrow", or "I need to live longer", and just try to appreciate the beauty of life everyday as if it was your last. It actually reminds me of a dream/nightmare I had recently where a happy family were playing on a bank near a body of water. It was a beautiful day and they were all happy.... Then all of a sudden a crocodile comes and snatches one of the kids, the family go down to help and then two of them get snatched by other crocs attracted by the commotion. Only 1 of the 4 family members remained. In a blink of an eye, a family living in love, harmony and paradise were destroyed. The dream was kind of weird but a good lesson to just savour it while you have the chance and don't assume you'll live to 80, and also don't assume your happiness/health will last. Fulfilment can also be temporary and destroyed despite the work that went into it.

Someone mentioned my symptoms seem to be like an autonomic nervous system disorder. Gave me a list of doctors, I emailed the one closest to me with a breakdown of my symptoms. Might as well. Will look forward to their response.

Was quite irritable yesterday when I said this. I realised that I feel better when I spend the first portion of my day getting necessary work done, and focusing on being productive and moving my life forward, then once I've satiated that part of me that wants to move forward, then I can feel ok just doing whatever I want after and enjoy procastination on websites. But I don't have an order/a schedule, it becomes a scattered day where i procastinate and then feel bad and anxious/irritable about wasting my time. Order, schedules. My life was at it's best when things were done order.