Thought Art

Yup. Everyone is coming into this place from a different spot in life. I was pursuing enlightenment because I wanted my art to be toetlized. I don't really care for material existence or survival. But, It's fucking real for whatever reason. So, gotta build that foundation. Having to bite the bullet though makes me scream and want to kill myself because it so fucking boring and grindy.

@Breakingthewall I want to be successful so bad. I hate all of this. I have a reading week coming up next week. I was gonna do a song writing retreat, but now I am thinking of just doing meditation, Qigong, journaling and spend a week out in nature. I feel grounded. I just feel, frustrated with external circumstances and these thoughts that life is going to fuck me up like it has for the last 25 years. I've come so close so many times to success, but I get in my own way. I am only getting older. I just gotta go through this phase of my life. My last chapter ended it catastrophic failure, I've been working on exploring new areas of life, building a stronger foundation for myself. I want to be a musician, but, it feels like a double edged sword. There are so many areas of my life that need work. These depressions have been with me since I was 10 years old. Could be my adhd. I grew up around a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, aloholism). Teaching Qigong bring a lot of joy to myself and others. I need to be patient. Arcadefire is my inspiration... Wow, I think wow. I don't know how to get to that level of musicianship. I feel like time is passing me by. I've put in so many hours into practice etc. But, I feel like the basics of life are taking up all my focus and time. I feel like my inner artist has died. I know it's there somewhere. I just, my head is all blocked... The ashes of everything now... "I'm im the black again... not coming back again..." I've been wanting to smoke weed again, but I am looking for a sober mind 99% of the time. I might smoke the odd joint, or do 5meo once a month. But, really the core of my work needs to be me facing my limiting thoughts, and living conciously with my sleep, nutrition, work ethic, finances, sexuality etc. I run these nightmares in my mind where everyone thinks I am a pervert, racist or a bad person. It's been torturing me and it just ruins my ability to envision a powerful life. I need to trust people. I need to trust myself. I don't really understand what is God or what is reality. The 5meodmt trips I've done seem to be pointing to something, but maybe that is just my Ego? probably. I feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I will work through it.

None of this makes sense to me. I get that enlightenment is possible. But, a lot of this is just words and ideas. There is not ONE bubble. I am one bubble ,but so have you.

Concepts vs actuality.

Make sure your pooper is clean

@Anahata The problem is I'll be too old soon. What if I feel like I've lived long enough? I think a lot of the opportunities I have had are squandered. I am not sure there is much left to do but this mindless loop of a wage slave. Life is complex. I wish the loving god made something a little more loving for me to experience. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life. So much suffering. I just have to make it through this phase I think. I don't know what opportunities will come next. Life has surprised me in the past. The depression kind of de-rails me. I don't really trust reality enough to put my heart into my life purpose so I find myself settling and trying to make the best of the situation. I don't trust myself, my mind, other people or any source of information any more. It's all so limited and my ability to apply information I don't trust either. I just want to be Arcadefire tbh, and tour the world. But, I am this person. I fear I am going to die without having lived up to my full potential as a musician. But, I am like crippled by fear and movies of terrible outcomes. Maybe, It's better safe than sorry. Just stay out of the limelight.

Money

Ahaha, well. It surely seems more real than what is.

@Nahm Well, I am done with fear... If I am here I want to enjoy my life. But, there is so much shit inside and outside of me sometimes.

@Nahm Do you mean through death? Because, people talk about waking up... yet you are still here.

@Terell Kirby I do not hold all the cards. If you haven't notice, you have very little freedom. Part of living a good life is the relationships you form with others. But, people are lying assholes. Not everyone.. anyway. These are thoughts for my journal. Take care.

Yeah, the fact that we don't know how we got here, or know where we are going is a problem for me. What the fuck is this? I don't think another 50 years on this planet, with all these fake and lying people is something I can do. I just want to be a musician, but I am too scared. I just want to make music without all this stress and fear. Sometimes I think I would like to die, I just wish we knew more about it. I am grateful for being a human, but I think I could have played my cards better when I was 15. Now I am 25 and I feel like I am just getting older and so much of my potential is gone. Not sure if it's worth wasting 50 years here as some mediocre neurotic. No one is really your friend in this life, that is something I am learning. From your family to your roommate everyone lies. Everything you think will make you happy either doesn't or is taken away from you. I am scared of things like cancel culture, etc.. I don't know what to do. I am so tired of all this responsibility...

Nah, Life is the truth. Your hands are the hands of God.

This is interesting information which, I suspect requires a lot of maturity to handle. I am sure it's easy for a devil to convince themselves they are acting by the hand of the universe. If it really does happen, and I have felt this love already at least in droplets along my journey. If it does happen, then it will be true and there will be no question. If that day comes when the Universe calls upon my vessel, I will prepare. But, until then I am normal mundane human pursuing life purpose and a rich deep understanding of myself and universe. I love the Arcadefire lyrics from their song rebellion "Now here's the Sun and it's alright, Now here's the moon and it's alright... But every time you close your eyes.. .Lies Lies!"

@Gili Trawangan Trivial

I find I tend to toggle between extreme optimism, but then this feeling of being trapped in space time to this system makes me want to kill myself. Reality is one hell of a fucking thing. Not sure why I as God am creating this.

Just reading some of it off this website, It seems to be pretty on about infinity and unity. I don't know if I believe any of it's setting but it's interesting for sure. https://www.lawofone.info/

Well, it seems like the truest thing there is at the moment.

This is so confusing for me still..

Delusion isn't something understood like that, just observe as you go throughout life. It's constant, nuanced etc

Online is just the connection point imo, then you meet in person

Yes, I've had self deceptions that led to metaphysical and epistemological error. I sense however, that my metaphysics was already egoicly skewed which led to this happening. Plus, it's such a radically different state... It's easily misinterpreted.

This is such an important episode. Couldn't have come earlier. Opening up this thread for discussion.

@Daniel347 Because it chose this at this 'moment in time' out of an infinite possibility set. Only infinity could decide with so much choice. I think this is part of the divinity in reality. Is that it's as it is now and not some other way. At least at this moment.

I think reality is actually infinity, not infinite possibilities of reality. Reality created itself because it's infinitely intelligent.