Thought Art

@Ulax I do a few. It helps, it doesn’t fix everything

Rip pete

I may start a journal. I find something about posting some of this different than just writing or contemplating

I’m going to continue working through all my stuff. I have to believe I can heal, that I can course correct, that I can make something of this life.

I don’t want to feel like my love, or attraction to women is a problem because I can’t handle it. I hate it. I just want love… I hate meeting women and then getting crushes on them. I hate it.

I’m so tired of being single i want to love and be loved

I’ve definitely had experiences that weren’t terrifying but positive and like “oh yeah”. Then, others that were scary. So, idk.

To balance out my previous post. I am also kind, respectful, considerate, conscientious in many contexts

I think I lack emotional stability, maturity, character and an understanding of cause and effect. I also have a lot of fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs. I deal with a lot of negative emotions like: distrust, anger, resentment, etc. I struggle to relate with others. I also have an anxious avoidant attachment style and hyper vigilance at times. I can be petty and unkind. I can be short sighted and prone to wishful thinking. I spend a lot of time feeling extremely lonely and self pitying. I had a new thought yesterday about what the cost of all this negative neurotic thinking is. It’s costing me everything. My ability to think, contemplate and act base on truth and higher principles will be what allows me to go from relatively shitty living to something higher. It will take me about 3-5 years to get my finances and business stuff together. I’m sure there will be lots of challenges. I should stick it through and build… something. Maybe I won’t be an Osho, or a Leo Gura, or an Arcadefire or a Bon Iver. But I can be me. I found God On the corner of First and Amistad Where the west Was all but won But all alone Smoking his last cigarette I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything" "Where were you When everything was falling apart? Where all my days Were spent by a telephone That never rang And all I needed was a call That never came To the corner of First and Amistad?" Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lying on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me Well, in the end Everyone ends up alone But losing her The only one who's ever known Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be No way to know How long she will be next to me Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lying on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me For early morning The city breaks But I've been calling For years and years and years and years And you never left me no messages You never sent me no letters You got some kind of nerve Taking all I want Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lying on the floor Where were you, where were you? Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lying on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me Why'd you have to wait To find me, to find me?

I’m reading viktor Frankie’s man search for meaning

I do those things. They do help, but they don’t mean I don’t get full of resentment over financial loss. Consciosness maybe unconditional…. But frankly my happiness as a finite human is conditional. I wish it wasn’t, trust me.

Lookout kid, trust your heart You don't have to play the part they wrote for you Just be true There are things that you could do That no one else on earth could ever do But I can't teach you, I can't teach it to you Lookout kid, trust your mind But you can't trust it everytime You know it plays tricks on you And it don't give a damn if you are happy or you're sad But if you've lost it, don't feel bad 'Cause it's alright to be sad Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do Lookout kid, trust your body You can dance, and you can shake Things will break, you make mistakes You lose your friends, again and again 'Cause nothing is ever perfect No one's perfect Let me say it again, no one's perfect Right A lifetime of skinned knees And heartbreak comes so easy But a life without pain would be boring And if you feel it, it's fine I give you everything that's mine I give you my heart and my precious time Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do Lookout kid, trust your soul It ain't hard to rock n' roll You know how to move your hips And you know God is cool with it But some people want the rock without the roll But we all know, there's no God without soul Right A lifetime of skinned knees And heartbreak comes so easily But a life without you Would be boring for someone like me And if you feel it, it's fine I give you everything that's mine I give you my heart and my precious time (Precious time) (Give you everything) I give you my heart and my precious time Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do Unconditional It's unconditional It's unconditional No matter what you do It's unconditional (unconditional) It's unconditional (unconditional) Unconditonal (no matter what you do) It's unconditional (unconditional)

@De Sade No sourcing

One of my biggest problems is these types of looping thoughts. I’m contemplating how to transcend them. I try to think consciously affirmation, gratitude etc

I will continue to try to work through this consciously. while tree planting I essentially have nothing to occupy my thoughts because it’s essentially brute hard labour. I noticed three repeating types of thoughts today. 1. Anger and resentment about the marketing course, the loan and the failure. Mixture of guilt, stress, regret, resentment, anger, frustration, revenge, self doubt, triviality. 2. I notice a suicidal thought which, I suspect is a pseudo thought and way of… idk, wanting a magic pill to solve all my problems to make me wise and young again. Silly. 3. Resentment toward a girl I have a crush on. So weird. I think it has to do with my anxious, avoidant attachment style.

I keep wavering on my state. I’m frustrated my earning potential is so low and my debt so high. My life is all fucked all right now. Tree planting is also extremely hard and after taxes it’s not really worth it. But, I’ll be done in about 2 weeks. Probably won’t plant trees again as I see it’s just not worth it as I’m already 27. the fact that I’m getting older increases my suicidal ideation as I realize how much time it takes to achieve things and how valuable youth is. I’m trying to figure it if it’s worth living if I can’t achieve my goals. I want to grow older so I can be more wise and loving. But, the idea of being average, broke, working a slave labour job, never able to be successful makes me want to kill myself. I know that’s not a resourceful place but… isn’t there also just the brute reality what I’m too old to get rich? Or, am I too young to be rich because most people lack the maturity to do so. I don’t know. I really hate planting trees btw. Just doing it for a bit to survive. The social aspect and being outside is healthy. The money isn’t worth it, for me anyway.

I think I experience a lot of fear which leads to bad decisions. I also realize I struggle to love people in my life. I’m needy, moody, and selfish in many ways.

Yeah, my problems relate to a fundamental lack of maturity, work ethic, focus, emotional mastery, discipline, habits, wisdom, forethought, risk management, adversity quotient, a sense of entitlement, wanting things to be easy, impatience, inability to accept aging and letting go of past, etc

I think I may also lack wisdom and integrity as well. I’ve been struggling to love myself because my ideals and who I actually am are very separate.

@hyruga tree planting is piece work and only seasonal. Right now I plant about 2000 trees a day and make about 240 dollars. Some people are very good and make like 400-500 dollars a day. I hate my debt so much and the people who knowingly scammed me. They are monsters. I hate it the course is called “Sell What You Know”

I am aware how things can change because I’ve been through things like this before. But, right now I feel like I’m not in a resourceful state

Is the life I want doesn’t exist, why exist?

200+ 5meodmt trips apparently

200+ 5meodmt trips apparently

@Thought Art I just feel a sense of hopelessness. Like, nothing will work in my life and now I just have to settle for mediocre existence and wage slavery. I’m in a pretty dark place. But, at the same time my emotions are mixed.