Byun Sean

a "human" doesn't actually exist. This is something our minds can project onto reality. Purely conceptual on the blank screen of consciousness.

Yes looks matter for sure. Just not nearly as much as you think they do. But lets pretend for a moment looks are the biggest factor for attracting a girl. We still can only take our looks so far. So If you say you don't like the way you look you have 1 of two options. 1. You try to improve your outfits/ workout at the gym etc improve your looks as much as you can. 2. You learn to love the way you look as you are and improve other aspects of how you are presenting yourself if you don't like the results you are getting. This is not biased bs. I am saying this because I have direct experience of becoming a more attractive man purely through improving my personality with a few changes to my looks but not much at all just a few outfit changes. You can either blame women for the results you are getting or you can take full responsibility for your results and maximize your odds. The choice is yours.

@Karmadhi Lets face it. You cannot control your height very much at this point. I recommend working on your personality. Confidence, humor, social skills, etc. I see so many guys make this mistake. We think because we are attracted largely to a girl's looks that they care about a guy's looks just as much. Not true at all. A girl can be instantly turned off by the hottest looking guys if they realize he has a garbage character. (Depends on the quality/ self esteem of the girl of course). But a girl can get extremely wet for a guy most would consider average looking or short or whatever if he has a banger personality. Girls are attracted mainly to hot personalities. This is why there is a whole field of personal development for men which focuses completely on how to get better with women. It's 99 percent inner game.

@Lyubov Many people do this including parents and non parents. Your parents likely view this "advice" that is unwarranted as their way of loving their child since thats what they know best given their point of view. They tell you these things likely because thats what worked for them and they love you. However from your point of view this can feel invasive and even offensive because you feel like someone is viewing you as something incomplete or broken that needs to be fixed with their advice. Because of this you probably feel like you want to shut down listening to their 'advice' because you don't feel it coming from a space of love. Telling your parents not to do this in a nonviolent way like you did is very good. It is a very conscious practice in relationship to discuss our needs openly like you did.

@ColeMC01 Take the focus off of the kind of person you want to attract and focus on making yourself a higher value guy by working on yourself. That way you will maximize your options on the dating market. Settling for an average girl doesn't resolve relationship issues but only makes them worse. Stop being lazy about growing yourself and asking these sorts of questions. You deserve a super hot loving girlfriend if you are willing to put in the work for it.

We all have different needs. Some desire to reach out to others more. Some prefer to turn inward and be alone more. We must not demonize one or the other if we wish to get along with each other and grow together in harmony. Both perspectives have some truth in them depending upon who you are.

@UDT I think I've been through a very similar thing. In high school I really wanted to be a pro gamer. I played an rts 1v1 game called starcraft 2 religiously since I was 10. I genuinely loved the game with all my heart. I would spend all my time in school contemplating strategies and watching videos for knowledge I could apply to my own games when I got home. I was also very inspired by the pro players not just with their play, but also with their strong personalities. I got pretty good at the game but eventually I hit a brick wall skill ceiling at 5000 mmr (matchmaking ranking). I couldn't seem to improve past that no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to get the skill level of the top pros so bad (~6600-7000 mmr). I genuinely believed that if I got to that skill level that it would be the highest experience of life possible for me as a human being. It felt like I tried every trick in the book to improve. I tried out different strategies. Played for hours. Watched tutorials. Watched streams. But at the end of the day I always would sink back down to around 5000 mmr. I started telling myself things like "Im just not good enough I guess" or "those people who can reach that high rank are just smarter or more talented than me I guess." It felt like I was getting nowhere. Eventually, I got sick of not seeing any progress causing me to quit the game for a period of time. I thought "if I"m not enjoying playing the game why the hell should I play it in the first place?" So I focused on my other passions that I wasn't as skilled or experienced in but just to take a break from starcraft and enjoy my time. One of my side passions happened to be a genuine interest in psychology and how the human mind works. This eventually led me into exploring meditation which got me thinking that I could use meditation to get better focus for Starcraft. Eventually, this led me to Leo's channel and his videos on meditation and enlightenment. One thing led to another and a few years later my entire passion, career, and skillset has been built around something I thought was a side hobby: Spirituality/ psychology/ the human mind. As I was trying to improve at Starcraft 2, I was trying to achieve a certain consequence/ goal which I genuinely believed was something that would make me happy. In the end though, it caused me a lot of stress and resistance despite still enjoying playing the game and having a genuine love for it at the same time. Contrarily, everyday when I came back home from senior year to meditate and watch actualized videos, it was like a breath of fresh air for me. I was innately curious about the human mind and spirituality and so I never needed to motivate myself ever to take notes watching videos or read a bunch of books/ meditate for hours. Multiple awakening experiences, meditation retreats, reading tons of books, taking notes later; I realized that deep down the big reason I loved Starcraft so much was that it allowed me to learn about my states of consciousness, how to learn, and the human mind my true passion that at the side I thought was the sidehobby. Now one might say: "Well if you were good enough you could have reached those higher ranks" To that I say: Well, I can see how you might think that but I realize now that even if I got to those high ranks, I would still be fighting among the best of the best leaving me the task of still constantly needing to improve and get better all the time for a living leaving me back at square one. So this brings me to my conclusion. If you can find that one thing whatever it may be that you feel like you don't have to get anywhere goal-wise. That thing that even if you were a trillionaire you would still do. That thing that makes you say, "Even if I suck at this and never get anywhere skill wise with this, It's still worth doing because I love it that much." I feel like a lot of people haven't pinpointed what their true passion is yet because deep down they are bogged down by fear of what will happen if they be their true to themselves. "I can't do that it doesn't make money in the real world." "I can't do that people will judge and make fun of me for that." "I can't do that, I suck at that. I'll never be good enough." Their passion may be right in front of their nose. But all these thoughts will stop people from even looking in the general direction of their true passion. Anyways this may or may not apply to your situation. But summing up this whole thing the lesson I learned that helped me on my journey was: "When you truly find what you love it feels like you never have to push or get anywhere. Simply doing the activity brings you into a higher state of joy and being."

Its alright to feel the desire to want to be the best. But I can see how it could become unhealthy if the only reason someone pursues a certain career or hobby is with the desire to be the best. I find that if I'm doing something because its what I love, I have a much better experience than just trying to prove myself.

after I did a bunch of these spiritual practices for a few years, contemplating Leo's free will vs determinism video gave me the one final ego explosion.

i just use it to look at memes from my favorite video games mostly. Pretty good to have a laugh every now and then.

reality is not real

@Dodo I have many similar experiences like this. When you try to convince a person with a concretized/ closed minded worldview to convert to your ideology things will go south very quickly since worldview is attached to our sense of survival. Your view may be true for you but as far as his point of view goes, its all beliefs and nonsense the exact same way you view his christianity. He doesn't have direct experience of the things you speak of. From his point of view, your talking complete nonsense. On my journey, I've found it helpful to only give my advice to people who ask for it and are open minded. I've found that people change and grow on their own time and trying to force anyone to grow is ineffective.

@Heaven It's perfectly normal and ok to feel needy on the inside. I'm pretty sure most of us guys on the forum can recall a time where we've been super needy for a girl at some point if not many could be going through this situation right now. My observations/ opinion: This is how I would think about it if I were in your situation. "Anyways, I have these feelings of neediness. I don't want to deny them or demonize them because that would feel unhealthy. I can't control what she does nor do I want to be controlling. If she breaks up with me for another guy thats her choice in the end. But there are lots of ways I can be more attractive for her by working on myself. I'll just focus on my own goals. I'll work out, meditate, improve my skills with sex, social skills/ personality, life purpose, social circle, reading etc. By focusing on my own goals, I know that I'm making myself a higher value guy and thus am constantly becoming more attractive not only for this girl, but for all the girls that will be in my life in the future. With this set up I can simultaneously be attractive for my girl while having a long term plan for dating if this relationship doesn't work out. I can also talk to her about my feelings of jealousy if we have a deep enough trust. " ( this probably depends on how close you two are) Much love to you ❤️

An individual can only be smarter than another in his own eyes if he identifies with his intelligence.

@evgn Its alright to feel this way. I think most human beings go through this at some point in their lives. Eventually I'm sure you will think of her less.

@UDT I have some questions for you. What are some of your goals? Can you describe this feeling of getting better at X but still feels insignificant? What do you think is stopping you from having the end result of those goals right now? What kind of experience are you looking for on the other end of accomplishing those goals? Lastly. What expectations do you usually when you start working toward your goals?

this question cannot be answered without increasing your level of consciousness

Yeah. Its a balancing act I guess right. Because we are drawn by the forces of survival into fulfilling our needs like food, water, sex, intimacy, social needs etc from the outer world to a certain degree. Maybe the most effective way to become more selfless would be a more integral approach that suites our unique needs. Like engaging in relationships if thats what you desire and how you grow. At the same time doing practices that involve inner work so that we can draw out some of the root issues with practices like meditation or therapy.

@Akemrelax Idk if this will also work for you but what helped me on my journey is making goal setting system like this: 1. I make a list of my goals valued from least to greatest. 2. Once I have my list of goals, I choose however many I want to pursue by putting time and energy toward that goal on a daily basis. (Visualizing in detail what achieving your goal will look like in your life with all 5 senses can be a great positive motivator as well). 3. Then once I have my schedule with times set to it, I let go of being perfect with it and accept: "If I get 0 things done its ok I did what I could. If I got 1 of the things done I'm satisfied, If I get 50 percent of them done I'm very happy, and if I get 100 percent of my schedule done I completely aced the day and I did amazing. I'll even do something to celebrate! I find this mentality a lot more motivating because it takes the pressure off of me. It makes me know that I will be happy however much work I get done and getting more done will just add to the happiness. When I use this system rather than pressuring myself to be perfect every time, I usually was more productive and happy in the end.

@Arzack consider the possibility that maybe you can discover What God is. (Not as a religious belief).

@Drake72 @ArchangelG In a lot of his videos, I remember Leo saying many times "never believe anything I say. Verify for yourself if what I say is true or not. Converting people into some ideology or belief system is not the goal here. If you turn actualized.org into an ideology that you blindly follow that is your doing not Leo's. Same goes for other people.

@preventingdiabetes He's not listening to you because 1. He looks at reality in a completely different way than you. A different level of consciousness, experiences, life situation, etc causing him to pursue certain things to fulfill his unique needs for where he's at in life. Consider he may not be at a point in his life where he is ready or interested in self actualization. A lot of people aren't. 2. You see him as an imperfect or flawed person that needs to be fixed by being put on the path of self actualization. He senses this off of you making him want to reject every idea you have to say. People like to feel loved, welcomed, and accepted before opening up enough emotionally to ask someone for advice. 3. If you truly want to help him: 1. love him as a perfect and whole being as he is without need of change. 2. Never give advice unsolicited. Speak your truth but never with the intention of changing him to be different to fit your ego's ideal picture. 3. If he asks for advice, meet him where he is at and really try to put yourself in his shoes.

Theres no quick fix solution for attracting a great romantic partner. meditation, shadow work, therapy, journaling, emotional work, reading books, psyches, practice socializing, identity shifting etc (you can do research on an endless amount of these techniques. I'm pretty sure Leo has a video just on listing these self actualization techniques) can all improve your self esteem and level of Self-Love which makes you naturally more authentic and a stronger man thus increasing your attractiveness and value as a man. The big picture here is working on loving yourself from the inside out first so that your authentic self shines through effortlessly with no resistance. Attractive qualities like humor, confidence, spontaneity, and more are a natural expression of authenticity which comes after the man does enough inner work/ is conscious enough.

If you are serious about true love and selflessness, take up serious spiritual practice like meditation, kriya yoga, psyches, etc for at least 1 hour a day and do them with laser focus. If you already do these practices, I recommend upping your rate or time you spend on them. However much you can handle can be life transforming insanely fast. Also observing mindfully when you catch yourself acting out of selfishness and then loving yourself for being selfish anyway can also be very transforming. Whenever your boyfriend or any person does anything that triggers you because of their selfishness, pretend that person is you and allow yourself to love yourself for being or doing that exact same thing that you hate. When you love yourself for being selfish, it does not condone or excuse you to be more selfish. It's precisely the opposite. The only way to defeat selfishness is by accepting and loving it to death. This also doesn't mean you can't get upset or triggered anymore. Let yourself get triggered or angry and let yourself feel all of that. Whatever your feeling is ok and justified simply because you are feeling it in that moment. But watch yourself while it happens and make the conscious choice to love yourself for that thing no matter the outcome. Suggestion from my mother: Maybe your selfishness in relationships comes from a place of scarcity of something? Scarcity of affection? Feeling like you can never get enough of something? It may come from somewhere. Maybe you can trace it back to childhood or something like that.