Smurfinstein

I work often with a teacher who's really on about love. All the time, love, love, love... "what does heart say?" Etc. For the past 11 days, she's been having me do an exercise of holding my hand over my heart chakra, visualizing the word love and saying the word love for 11 breaths, and, purportedly, cultivating and feeling "love" emanating from heart. She's had me do this before, and it's always become a struggle (I know, in the struggle lies the lesson, right?) But, I committed to the practice. I find that it becomes a really intellectual exercise for me. First, I try as hard as I can to pull up what I think love feels like- my kids, my dog, a stunning vista... I scrimp and scrape and pull it from wherever I can. But, I find, I eventually resort to a really intellectual exercise of literally drawing the word, letter by letter, in my mind again and again. Sometimes in script, sometimes in print, and sometimes even with a heart in place of the O. I say the word over and over, wrapping my mouth around each sound, trying it intensely, trying it with ease... But, at the end of the 11 days (we're at 14 now- I was holding on for a "click"), still... the thing that keeps popping into my mind is "love is an abstract concept." When making the assignment, I think she expected it to be pretty turnkey. "Spend 11 breaths every morning and evening cultivating and focusing on love and, of course, things will grow and change!" Instead I've got 11 days of getting to know every curve and angle and sound nuance of the letters L, O, V and E, and feeling more disconnected from it than ever. Now, I could tell you WHY I think this is the case for me (raised by a narcissist, ended up marrying one, love isn't a feeling it's an obligation to another, it's a role you need to fill, etc. Blahty blah...) But, my question... what IS love, really? Is it important to engender? How does one KNOW love (please don't sing Foreigner to me, because believe me, I've been singing it non-stop for the past 14 days!) What's the role of love in all of this?

First, you move to remove the judgement that they "pissed their life away" simply because they didn't choose to live the way you choose to live. They did the best with what they had, and probably wouldn't agree with your assessment. Second, you move to a place of gratitude that they care enough to share. Third, you say a heartfelt "thank you for caring" before moving on to Four, ignore what doesn't resonate. Take what works and leave what doesn't.

I thought it was a lot-- I have since learned, not so much for people who really get hooked on the stuff-- and, yeah, it's gnarly. I'm definitely an outlier that, when it was time to move on from it, I moved on. (And, it's not like i don't have addictive tendencies-- alcohol was a beast for me to get into check.) Modafinil doesn't do anything for me. I seriously can't tell a focus difference if I've taken it or not.

I have ADHD, and I absolutely CANNOT with any kind of THC, any strain (well, I've only tried a few because the few I have tried have been identically horrible.) Paranoia, hallucination, waking dreams, sleep paralysis even hours later. It is awful for me. Back in college and early career, I was doing meth (yes, THAT meth), and that smoothed me out really well-- most focused, productive time of growth and creation in my career, really. People who knew were amazed... "wow, you got all of the good and none of the bad!" I can see why that is the go-to for ADHD treatment (prescribed, of course.) I can't imagine pot would help with it at all-- personally, it makes my mind feel trapped and, again, it's an awful experience (for me.) I know it's generally frowned upon in this group, but I do sip whole-leaf kratom brewed as a tea throughout my work day, and that keeps me well focused. I feel like brewing in tea vs chugging powder or doing any concentrates or extracts keeps my doses down in that "sharpening" range, and I take a few months off pretty naturally every year + don't drink it on the weekends, but when I'm sitting at my desk and need to focus, I usually will sip it. As with all things, YMMV.

I'm a trail ultra runner and I pretty naturally enter a meditative state when I run long, but, here's my question.... Are you running to meditate? Or meditating while running to "kill two birds with one stone"? Multitasking is a habit that's best broken.... what's your intention here? Why do you get on the treadmill in the first place?

Doesn't sound like the group is worth your time or attention... also, and repeat it after me... political arguments on the internet (or WhatsApp) are a losing game. Always. No matter what. That's not even Self-Actualized talk, it's just straight-up laws of the universe. Sorry this happened to you-- if you feel called to, discuss it with your friends, in person, face to face.

Lots of stuff to explore here, but an immediate thing that jumped out at me... multi-time use of word "suffering." I, too have had life-long ("diagnosed," for whatever that means) depression. I used to say "suffering from" or "suffering with," then I softened the language to "dealing with"/"navigating," and things got a little better. Now I don't really even use the labels anymore... it's all "observations" and "inputs." I have a hellacious cold right now, am I "suffering from a cold" or "observing that something's out of alignment"? I know "word tricks" can feel really surface and band-aid and sometimes even condescenting-- the observations you're making are realer than real, but what if it's your relationship to them that need changing. For me, it was a path of not trying to "fix" and no longer "suffering," but observing and acting accordinly... what I used to define as "horrible, excruciating Seasonal Affective Disorder" is now a cue for me that I need to do different things in the months of Nov-Feb. There is an ebb and flow to all things... that's my "rest and relax and recoup and plan" time, not my "go, go, go, do, do, do" time. Hopping into the stream and going with it has taken the suffering out of it. Social Anxiety? Panic Attacks? Oh, yeah!! But I was spending time with shitheads and a-holes and talking about crap that really rubbed me the wrong way... put me in the right situation, and I'm fine. It was all lessons. I am so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you all the best in coming to friendship with all parts of yourself... here's to the next level up with this stuff! <3

I find that napping or sleeping in triggers really notable depression for me... sometimes it's necessary when ill or something, but if I "just decide to sleep in" (which, for me, means about 7 am when my kids wake up), I wake with a heavy, horrible, cloudy depression. Same if I take a nap without being ill.

I have this thought often. The idea of NPC's makes certain things a lot easier to handle, emotionally (ie: millions didn't REALLY die in the Holocaust, I just invented the idea that they did and "rendered" them to teach myself a lesson...) It's a wormhole that's interesting to explore, and I feel like it would be the ultimate "truth" of a lot of what this work explores... But, I don't in my heart feel it to be true, or maybe I just dislike the literal-actual-balls-out narcissism of the idea, the impacts on compassion and empathy, etc. It's an interesting one to mentally chew, though.

I don't *think* this is quite what you're talking about, but... I used to always know what to say/have something to say. I'm a communicator by passion and by trade, and definitely still ALWAYS know what to say to clients, in interviews, etc. As I do this work, I am finding more and more inter-personally that I've just really lost the drive to have a thing to say. It's coming up the most with my soon to be ex-husband. He'll call and unload all kinds of details about his day, and I'm just like... flat. It's not even an "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" thing, it's just like... "Well, those were certainly all words. Thank you for sharing." Like, what do I say? Why need I say something? It's an observation of how much I carried the relationship by feeding his needs vs holding my own... and, like, "You've given me nothing here that needs my input.. I'm an unnecessary part of this exchange" (except that he needs my "prod" to keep going on and gets incensed if he doesn't get it.) So, I find myself going back to "I hear you... Gotcha... Seen..." but, really, that's all I was "asked for" (if even that.) It's been an interesting observation to have that need to have a thing to say just completely.... go away. Like, it's just simply not there. So now it takes effort to suss out how to let him feel seen and heard but also subtly telescope that I wasn't really ever part of the conversation in the first place anyhow, so aside from having a pair of ears, why am I here?

I wake between 5 and 5:15. Asleep by 9 pm most nights.

What others do or don't do really is no matter. He must find some value, or he wouldn't be doing it.

There are some things that are relatively cut and dried-- this sounds like one for the police. (Just like another one the other day was one for lawyers.) Can you explore the lessons? Sure. Go right head. Everything is a lesson, right? Learn all the lessons you want. But, it's also one where there's a relatively "easy answer." A person who beats people's dogs with a stick and makes threats should be handled by the people who are in the business of dealing with people who beat dogs and make threats.

Also- another thought about pop music- it is pretty much custom-crafted to create "entheogenic" experiences-- for a lot of younger folks, pop is the first time they have an ecstatic awakening (think of those people going apecrap over the Beatles, all the way through.) And, when we say it is "formulaic," it's largely because we know things like repetition, certain tones, rhythms, etc. can force that experience-- add in lights and group consciousness and- BAM. You see it in churches and native cultures all the time. Interestingly, Enigma's "Return to Innocence" is a song that "takes me there" without fail-- I looked up the aboriginal chant in that song, thinking it was gonna be something hella-deep. It's not. It's called "The Elder's Drinking Song" or sometimes "Joyous Drinking Song"- basically aboriginal sea shanty "pop." Anyhow, as you can tell, the "pop" topic is hugely interesting to me (was a big part of my career for a long while). Maybe investigating it as a scientific phenomenon will open you up to at least being like, "Wow, that's some pretty spot-on spiritual theatre right there!"

First- I will listen to your video as soon as my girls wake up- thank you for that. I went through my own musical awakening back in 2001... I used to be "punker than thou" and "gother than thou," and then I took up listening to *Nsync as a slice of good ol' punk rock irony. It was an "act" in the beginning. Somewhere along the way, I realized-- Damn, this music makes me feel GOOD, whereas all the music I thought was "deep-n-shit" made me feel-- well, bad. Angry, etc. It was an ego feed. It was me placing myself on a pedestal of "better than" and "separate from," and for what? I eventually come to love certain types of music for the very fact that it's NOT deep, but is almost like the Frosted Flakes or Krisy Kreme of music-- you know why people scarf Krispy Kremes like they do? Because they are scientifically/mathematically tuned to ping all those craving centers. Because, at least in the moment, they feel really-f*king-good. (I have to say, I never had an *Nsync moment with Krispy Kremes, but give me a Nerds Rope or a pack of SOur Patch Kids and I'm in HEAVEN, despite being 90% an "obnosiously" clean eater. Yes, people even find eating healthy "obnoxious"- the judgement is on all sides, and it's really interesting to watch. At any rate, I've come to learn that there is no such thing as "guilty pleasure," there is no judging on what moves a person-- I just want a person to get moved.

Thank you, @enderx7- I use the "rep" example often when talking with others about meditation, and I absolutely know it to be true. "why after 7 years you still dislike doing it"- To be clear, I don't at all dislike doing it! It is an integral part of my daily practice... I just am exploring more these days the concept of "ease" and "joy," and I find myself, with the 20's, judging mind, "was that in ease?" Right now, the answer is "no." But releasing attachment to that-- "so what? I still accomplished what I 'set out to accomplish'," right? Has made it easier. I've also spent the weekend deep-diving of concepts of Kriya, and I find doing the movements and breathing exercises and chakra focus before sitting make the sitting more "in ease." Possible that getting up from a sleeping state and moving into meditation within 5 minutes wasn't "priming the pump" enough. I appreciate the feedback of everyone- thank you all!

I'm a relatively practiced meditator (regular practice for 7 years of general MBSR, body scan and metta, times ranging from 5 minutes to 20 or 30 on occasion.) On listening to a Leo video about it, I decided to commit to 20 every day and am finding the whole session more difficult ("no duh!") Contemplating stepping back to 10 consistently, then 15-- I have the time, so I am more than happy to "sit" for 20, but i find myself doing it in "intervals." Coming back to monkey mind and then saying, "No, no, no-- next 5, do it for real!" Just generally have found that my squirrelyness is awakening, the previous ease is gone. (I know that all this is part of the process.) And, interestingly, it's not like I get to my previous 10 minute practice and then go nuts, it starts from the beginning. Is it possible that the jump to 20 every day without fail was just a bit much (again, my previous "best times" were 20 or 30- with 30 only being in group settings) Too much of a leap? I'm happy to continue spending the "time," but I used to find it easy to get into a state of awakened awareness with relatively little squirrely monkey mind up to 10. It's just something about the 20 that makes me go apecrap. (I'm an ultrarunner, so I'm definitely applying that running 10% rule to this experience in the back of my mind.) Today is day 11 of doing the 20.

@AngeliteI'll be sure to check back after the deed is done and let you know just how painful it was... maybe about as painful as my appendectomy? Maybe as painful as my adnoidectomy? Maybe as painful as the facial scar revision that I woke up in the middle of and remember clearly having a conversation with the doctor about? "Oh, damn, she's awake!" Maybe as painful as the many people I know who've literally had their sternums pried apart and their hearts removed from their chests... Organ harvest is done under the same conditions as modern surgery-- if i die "naturally" when my organs are kaput and useless, yes, I'd like to remain there for long enough to blood to leave the brain and brain death to occur (some say 7 minutes, but let's leave me there to have my trip for a nice hour or so, just to be safe...) On the whole, though, this fearmongering over a sack of carbon that's served its purpose is somewhat ridiculous... snakes and lobsters don't sit around and lament the treatment of their husks and shells. Butterflies don't mourn the caterpillar. Lots of ancient traditions burn bodies.

I don't even wear the same underpants every day... why would I want this? How boring that would be!

I'm in! Sent intention to all folks previously mentioned in this thread! May you be happy and safe from harm, may those you love be happy and safe from harm, may you and those you love have understanding and peace. May you have ease of being...

Banana peels. He's smoking banana peels. (Isn't he generally adverse to research chemicals?)

My daughter is 6, and clearly on the spectrum of what, in earlier days, would have put her solidly in a "magical" bucket. (For what it's worth, I think all children come to us pretty freaking "awakened" and I hold it my job as a parent to really just allow that portal not to close.) As outward presentations or classic signs, she's definitely got synesthesia (she experiences colors as smells), is ambidextrous (interestingly, I hear synesthesia and ampi often come together), and now, I think she's got something I've always had... sleep paralysis/wakened dreaming. (Quick background that might matter- I'm most classically trained in concepts of Wicca, a kind of mish-mash of neo-Shamanism and the broader spectrum of "energy work," am an intuitive (using tarot as my framework, usually, but more as a was to open claircognizance and what I call "claircabulary" or "clairetymology"- I have extremely specific words and phrases pop into my head, and the hyper-specificity of the words matter.) I was raised very religious, and the most my parents would say about it is that I "scared the bejesus out of everyone as a kid." As they evolved beyond religion somewhat, they were able to say, "Oh, smurf KNOWS. She's always KNOWN. She's always been an odd duck." It wasn't until I was 17 that I started investigating and self-training and un-doing what probably got shored up in my childhood.) The reason for my question-- Last night, she had another episode of what I assume is sleep paralysis/wakened dreaming (this is her second), which, I know, is completely terrifying. She's been talking about my dad non-stop (he passed about two years ago, when she was four. Magical moment: He was in a coma, pretty much, and my mom and I were talking to the nurse and turned around and she was doing this beautiful sign language/dance thing at the foot of his bed. We asked what she was doing, "I'm talking to Grandpa. I'm telling him goodbye and that I love him..." Pretty moving for our emotionally-stuffed family.) Anyhow, we also read a book last night that ended up being about a lioness that killed a baby buffalo and a camel-- she's extremely empathetic, especially about animals, so maybe it was too much for her. And then she woke in the middle of the night, thrashing and squirming and trying to figure out "what to do with her body," like she was trying to fling snakes off herself, crying about how scared she was. I asked what her heart wanted to do, and if I could help. She said she wanted to cry it out and put her head under the covers and just screamed for a while. I did a mental energy clearing and sent her love, but really just kind of held space for her and let her process in her own way (so difficult as a parent, who wants to "fix it" or say "it's not real, dreams aren't real, it's just your mind making up stuff.") So, wall of text to ask: I probably should introduce some concepts of death and "energy never really goes away, it just changes form"/cycle of life and death and concepts of impermanence-- but in an age appropriate way. Anyone have resources on that? And, on a broader scale- anyone have resources about kids and "awakening" (or, I suppose, "staying awake")

Thank you for that affirmation @Synchronicity - My daughter is probably going to be in a boat much like yours. Her father (we're divorcing) thinks I'm generally crazy/the butt of a new-aged joke (funny thing, he was attracted to me because I was "goth"(ish) but has zero respect for anything deeper than a corset and some black eyeliner). When she had her last sleep experience, he was in her face yelling at her, shaking her, "tell me what's happening. Snap out of it! Wake up! It's just your mind playing tricks on you. What's going on?" and berated her for it for DAYS afterward "what was that? You need to tell me what you were thinking. Do you even remember that that happened?!" And she was clearly put off by his questions and didn't want to talk about it. She just woke up this morning in a fine mood, and hasn't mentioned it, so I'm just loving her the way I always do-- if she wants to talk, I'm here, but this is not a thing to be "fixed through power and logic." (His M.O.) Also, a fun alignment- I had lots of "alien" stuff going on when I was a kid, too. I don't know that my dad ever figured out that my thing for The Blue Angels isn't entirely about the FA-18 Hornet warplanes. Well, I bet he's figured it out now that he's passed. lol

@ttom That makes a lot of sense to me, thank you! Interesting thing- after making this post, it got "easier." As if saying the thing released a lot of the thing, or by talking it through I saw some of my own flawed thinking better. I feel like my 5's and 10's were still "better" than my 20's are (judging mind), but since it's "out there," it's not hanging me up as much.

For the OP- It used to be quite common in the US to get buried inside a worm-proof coffin, after, of course, getting pumped full of formaldehyde and made up to look like Tammy Fae Baker on a bender. But, as we get more "eco" or perhaps generally more secular, more people are opting for cremation. For me, I plan to donate organs and then be cremated.