Loving Radiance

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Everything posted by Loving Radiance

  1. September 25th: I go to make lunch with my friends. Ringing the door bell. I greet and hug my friend as she opens the door. No me acting. It just flows. No control. Then the organizing mind comes back to discuss where to make lunch.
  2. This is the sibling thread to collapsing dualities. Since having tried marijuana, there were two instances of not knowing encountered. Before the instances I was alone for a few hours, but these moments are different from watching TV or playing video games alone for extended lengths of time and then going out on the street with other people around having to reorient oneself on how to act. In these moments the mind had no knowing of what that is or what to do while the body moved on its own. Like a feral kitten that is paralysed when encountering a human for the first time, but in in my experience I was internally still while not being able to make sense of the world. March 10th: Still being a bit tired I got out of the appartment complex for my morning bath at the lake and met a couple who are fellow students of mine. I walked towards them. For a fraction there was internal stillness coupled with not knowing what this situation is or means. Then there was joy to meet and to chat with them. March 15th: It is evening. I already studied since the morning at a friends place. She was away for a few hours and I was exhausted from the work. I heard voices outside the door. My friend rang the bell and opened the door. I got up to greet her knowing there were other people, but still I was mildly "shocked" to greet two other students. While stillness was felt, there was not knowing what this situation meant. After that I apologized that I am going crazy as they saw that the LR didn't act according to the usual social way of behaving. I felt responsible for the situation and I owned it. Now after rereading these instances, it is interesting to see the mind creating a story of LR having these instances and creating a story of patterns.
  3. Just you flume telling the night in such a beautiful way was like a million bucks. And then I had to read the first half of flowboy's view to to make it click. There are two sides??? 🤯😍 MINDBLOWING. Pure. Out. Of. This. World. I mean OMG. I am so happy for you two moving together Love love love
  4. @Consilience Very well said. Today with a psilocybin dose a bit above microdose it was recognized that they deepen consciousness and at the same time make thoughts etc more interesting & enticing in nature. Deepened consciousness allows for clearer recognition of forms of any kind, so it balances out somehow. Like going to a fair and being lucid about all the colorful attractions. Btw, the questions were more meant to deconstruct the separation between things. I will edit that. @Porphyry Fedotov Oh yeah, that's also common for me on an existential level rather than visuals.
  5. The difference between normal and abnormal breaks down. Consciousness really is fluid. Yesterday after meditating for a bit I focused on the wall and carpet while I sat in my doctor's waiting room. So many colors appeared. Well, things as usual. But when the focus was on the carpet certain parts were moving almost like in a shroom trip. It wasn't controlled from intent, just the pure focus on it made waves come into perception. At times the whole carpet in front of me was full of slow moving waves. There were attempts to control the flow of the waves, but they moved on their own. In the past I witnessed this kind on a meditation retreat with the lawn where the grass moved wavelike in the wind. There was intense focus and the undulating movement was noticed of all the individual blades of grass appearing like sprinkling of undefined color standing out from the blank canvas of the lawn. Pointers for myself or you to deconstruct the separations: Is there really a difference between the carpet and the grass moving? Is there a difference between stillness and movement? Is there a difference between noticing waves moving on their own without controlling their movement and waves moving on their own from the wind? Is there really a cause called focus and a cause called wind? Is there really a difference between a meditative focused mind and a tripping mind? Is there a difference between experience right now and experience in memory?
  6. @Inception Interesting share. Thanks! What do you mean by that?
  7. @Muhammad Jawad It is not possible for me to understand you because you speak a mix of English and Urdu (?) in the video. That also goes for the one you posted in the shamanic breathing mega thread.
  8. Nice, already crazy. What a relief.
  9. @Leo Gura Concerning the alien view on reality thing (reality is not normal) you mentioned at the end: Sometimes I feel like going insane when recognizing in direct experience (not intellectually but experientially) that this body is so weird it is alien. This alien-cosmic feel also came when it was thought about how reality is infinite and this finite experience is almost non-existent in infinity. Then there was a shift in the body that this experience is not human. That this body was never alive. Felt outerworldly. How to differentiate between going insane and genuinely expanding your mind? These things happen without intention. There's just curiosity to explore and contemplate just for the joy of it.
  10. Focus on the ususal sensation like warmth, tingling and blood circulation. Even if you don't feel anything, just listen to the absence of sensation like if you'd listen to silence. That's curious. It was the first one I felt and there wasn't even an intention to get to feel it.
  11. I searched the books at https://www.erowid.org/library/books_online/shulgin_labbooks/ and nothing came out. So, it can be said that it was not Alexander Shulgin's work.
  12. September 16th: I'm at a friends place and I hear a knock on the window. I open it and she is there asking me to give her a jacket through the window. While she speaks I look into her eyes. There is no knowing what all this means. No one is speaking to no one. No meaning. I understand. I got to watch out that her young cat doesn't jump through the window while I give her a jacket.
  13. @Jaja57 Oh yeah. 3g is too much IMO. A smaller dose of 1-1.5g can be much more transformation because you can be more focused on your intention. Higher doses can be like drifting in the ocean without orientation. You want to be in very specific waters with your intention.
  14. @Jaja57 Write down your intention. Write down questions regarding the intention. During the come up contemplate on your intention. Let go of it, if it doesn't feel right at a certain point and trust that you are going into the direction of being transformed. When entities may arise feel into yourself how they feel to you regardless of appearance. If you feel good in their presence, then you can ask them about your intention how they can help you. On the comedown read your questions and answer them. Answer the question "How do I let that knowing of dealing with social anxiety & trauma flow into my daily life when I'm unconscious or when I'm acting out on old behaviors?"
  15. @flowboy Wow I didn't know true masters would care to be on this forum. I am honored. "Hey pssst, hey kiddo, wanna join my religion of boofing blessed mushrooms?"
  16. Habe you tried boofing shrooms?
  17. It takes disconnection to feel that what you want is connection. How else do you learn?
  18. What Nahm said in this thread comes to mind. Somegirl also has to want to be there for her.
  19. Try out desensitization: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-get-rid-of-gag-reflex#desensitizing
  20. @somegirl What would happen when you approach her telling her that the silent treatment is a drain on your relationship and that you want it to be over? Hm, I see no way out of this because she very likely won't dig into her past to heal her emotional wounds that get expressed in this unconscious behavior.
  21. Was love really ever coming from her? What did you do in the past when you stopped the silent treatment? Did you please her and say you were overreacting? Did you ever talk with her about her toxic behavior (this being not a good way to treat a child) while at the same time not apologizing for you protecting your boundaries?
  22. Something I read just now that reminded me of this thread:
  23. But Leo, how come you're omniscient and don't know that the delivery guy comes into the scene after 5 minutes? How come you have to check the camera's battery life????
  24. @Thought Art They are At that time I thought 10g fresh truffles is equal to 1g dried shrooms just because I read it somewhere and assumed it to be true LOL. Though all the other times it worked out fine with the normal doses of 10-13g. That trip was just breaking the mind & exhausting the body.
  25. I made a lemon tek. I eat an apple to get some juices in. The comeup feels brutal, like getting pulled up in the highest roller coaster track. The comeup is rough. I want to let go of this person [more on that see edit 3]. I prepare to surrender. But nothing could prepare me. Entities appear like bullies around me. Keeping me small. I rise up, saying, "I am Goodness. I am Love." I am the one keeping the lights on, not you. I am very sure to turn this trip around. Oh boy. I become conscious of this body being an ape. But there is no control. There is no one moving that body. Wake up in this body. Know nothing what this is. This body feels like a cage, limited. There's so much more but know forgotten. It is just out of this world. Alien doesn't describe it, more cosmic or universal. Arriving at Infinity. Pure machine. It's a spinning apparatus, spinning for ever, feeding into itself, being itself. A perfect loop. Spitting out creation for ever. Words repeatedly come out of the mouth, "Existence.", "It makes no sense." and "Pure insanity." It is Existence, everything else would be a lie. Memories fade now, however it was devoid of everything, being like a canvas that holds everything that is painted on it. No emotion or property of any kind. Even saying no characteristic would be a characteristic. Everything less than Infinity can be labeled. What came up first when detaching from Infinity was Love and Goodness. It is the Creator loving the creation. Words are said. They rhyme and loop back into each other like the Infinite loop. Doesn't make sense now, however it was an existential feeling of Eternal and dead immortality. There comes awareness of the body. No one is speaking, "What have you done.", "You wanted that.", "You got what you wanted.", "You are completely insane now." [more on that see edit 2] The body moves on its own. Being naked on the floor. Being back on the bed in fetal position. Recognizing that it doesn't feel good. It isn't important how the body is, it is already dead. However it moves to being comfortable and getting some warmth again. There is not knowing what breathing means. It is known that there is O2 needed. Time is nonexistent. There is bodily reaction to the knowing that this experience is timeless and standing still. I believe to be dead, that nothing could be done to me because I am nothing. Memories also fade here. I accept to be carried into an insane asylum for the rest of the life. It still isn't in the normal physical reality. However I knew I fucked up the meaning making structure and would be insane for ever. That was accepted. No, it was no choice. It was still acceptance. [more on that see edit 1] I was spit out. Joy overcame me. So much Love. I felt greatefulness that the identity was back. It was pleasant to feel to be sane again, to have an identity back. God spoke to me through my mouth, "My child, you are so loved.", "You are everything that I ever wanted.", "I want you to exist and you are perfect.", "My child, I want everything for you.", "Dance my child and dance for me. Dance and the universe dances with you." I read the trip questions. So much egoic stuff of clinging to identity, being afraid of dying. Beforehand I wrote some answers under the questions and they all were right. What felt to be said is that this knowing of You is requisite for living life. When you face any limitations that are connected with being an identity you feel back into your eternal nature. You know you are non-existent. So just create what you want because God is you and you create through God's will. After that I just felt exhausted. Getting outside. There was internal stillness. No mind movement. Just barely the essential movement. Edit 1: What came up now was a feeling of infinite warping right before coming back into the body. There was no reality but infinite warping, an infinite loop. Very difficult to describe. While in that state the door bell rang. There was a knowing that going to there to the door naked would just be infinite warping. It was devoid of anything human. Just pure movement. Eternal. Immortality. ... Yeah, there was just warping and the imagined human life was seen as imagination. It's just warping forever. Edit 2: What was remembered again is Infinity being a circle. A sinus wave. Forever and ever. The mind tries to make sense of it but it is beyond. When the mind grasps it it is a circle spinning forever. A straight line which is the circle. Doesn't compute. Doesn't have to compute. Edit 3: I didn't want to be this person anymore but wanted to be another person. There was really no want to be nobody but a person I would like myself to be.