Loving Radiance

How does it feel when you get it out though, freeing I bet? Well at first sure feels good, but then I face judgement of other people which can be viewed as an effect of my honesty. Or one thing I noticed is that I tend to judge myself on what I've said or how I've said it. So, how is difficulty in talking impacting you? I mean, what does it spark in you that you post this thread in this subforum? Does it come from an emotion or thought process?

@sda Here is a quote from The Road Less Traveled by the psychiatrist M. Scott Peck which deals with physical abuse in an attempt to teach discipline. It is classic stage blue dogma that beatings are good because they are ingrained in the culture which is heavily influenced by Islam in your case.

Asking the real questions here

Before going to bed, actively remember 3 - 5 things you experienced today that you are grateful for, no matter if they are big or small. Make it a game to discover these things every evening. You will be amazed. Ex.: The job you got. The people you have as friends. The vibe at a gathering. Birds singing in the park. Seeing the reflection of daylight in a leaf. The bright colors of flowers. The calming sound of leaves in the wind. The food you eat. Being able to taste the bitter smell of cacao. That you are able to hear at all. Music The ability to to introspect and get clarity. Human condition & existence. Internet, eletricity... Living in heaven.

Fantastic work Ismael 336. Hopefully you can still edit it.

I understand you. Accept yourself at that stage of life where you are at right now. Love yourself. Give yourself the love you need. Everything else builds on that. It's also a much more enjoyable way of life.

@RendHeaven Well, what can I say, this topic is a juicy one.

On depressive periods and current state Between February and end of June there was a period of me believing thoughts about myself and feeling stuck. It was very intense from April to June. It wasn't self-acceptance and self-love. I wasn't present with myself and I also didn't listen to myself. I meditated and journaled randomly maybe a few times in that period. During shamanic breathing I felt my bottled up emotions and they expressed themselves. In that time I also started a diary to process the emotions, to speak with intuition - I recognized that I just would turn to it as a coping mechanism when feeling especially down to soothe myself. I avoided feeling myself by distracting me with the forum, movies, games and books - I couldn't deal with myself and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would stay stuck. These avoidance and distraction behaviors continued and to deal with the misery I went more deeply into them although I recognized that they were the cause. There was no real felt & emodied sense of a way towards authenticity. I also spoke with others to inspire them for their highest desire - it felt like playing a character who looks like a banger of inspiration on the surface and at the same time being a train wreck underneath that, value signaling. Doing all this to avoid feeling a void. In that time I recognized clearly that I picked up from society that life is about presenting an image of a positive character of me - having just a straight growth curve. I also could grasp now clearly how much of spiritual and intellectual bypassing I did. Before that I felt that already but was more avoidant of feeling that. There are still remnants of that habit. I am grateful how deep I went in that depressive period, otherwise I wouldn't have got the message of self-love and self-acceptance, to feel that on an embodied level especially in those situation when I'm judgmental and avoidant of myself and others. In a recent cacao ceremony I found myself again. Finding myself being like a child neglected and avoided. There was a rediscovery of inquiry into how I feel: Meditation and contemplative journaling combined with emotional journaling are keeping me being honest and present with myself. Before that cacao ceremony I also was in a 6 week online course about authentic relating. A bit after that I also started getting coached regarding repressed desire and anger. Just speaking about things concerning me and exploring with the coach what is up with me to grasp the root of the repression. There was no solving attitude. There was just curiosity to express honestly and to explore. Self-compassion and being with myself are now healing me. It feels good to wash myself from myself. It is healing to accept where I am on the journey and I could cry out of gratitude feeling my unconditional presence that I withheld from myself for so long. There's more all-embracing compassion for everything arising. There is acceptance for being not accepting of uncomfortability and inauthenticity provoking situations like feeling slight social anxiety. There’s now more feeling good in an imperfect body and during somewhat stressful life situations.

Thanks!

@Nos7algiK Wow where is that from?

@BipolarGrowth Goddamnit. Right on point. Totally useless for the human. And so freeing. On another note, deconstruction means that you see through constructs and you can use the constructs. To be functional is to transcend and include the tools in your toolbox.

Now I see. You think you are the body & person? Then of course you are being born and you die. Edit: Wait, yes. God experiences in a sense death and births and they cease to be real. This is basically why an end never makes sense to me. Yes, it is making no sense. You are doing good. Deconstruct on an experiential level what beginning and end is.

@BipolarGrowth One interpretation of liberation from samsara is that there's an energetic recognition that one cannot be born and cannot die. Yes, there's no death and birth anymore. Does freedom from that mean that consciousness ceases? Where have you got that assumption from?

That has broken windows vibes. (https://youtu.be/7XeNeuzjIkg)

Recognizing and seeing reality During sex there was a flashback to the God trip. It was a clear energetic shift: a recognition that consciousness is manifesting in ape-like bodies called humans. A recognition what this form is with its limitations, that whatever would happen to the body, reality would continue as always. In the past few days there were increasingly frequent felt recognitions of this world being out of this world, being alien and that the consciousness projecting the world is alien and not human at all. Feels a bit insane. "[The ego] says 'What are you doing loosing yourself?'" - Osho And still, it is used to divert focus - distraction.

Lol, inform yourself about impotence. Don't wait on us to inform you. For myself I don't see a way why impotence could be caused. It's als possible thats it's fearmongering having been done without investigation. Please investigate that for yourself. Don't hold yourself back doing research about that because I am confident that it's speculation.

I think you can get into jail for attempting this. In the moment you sit down for nightly meditation the police will knock down your appartment door and rush in wildly shouting at you. Don't worry, I as your lawyer have a "get out of jail free card" just for you. Oh, as I see you already have the common sense that this is something illegal and needs treatment. Don't worry, just make the call. @Rigel already knows this best and got the good treatment because he called in that time frame. They won't be that harsh with you when you do that.

You can add "93." in the beginning. Good work @FlyingLotus Good work you are doing here.

@Shiva99 Good work! Being radically honest with yourself is a great start for transformation. I'd suggest to get with someone who specializes in repressed desire. Someone understanding the subconscious mind and identity and how to work on that.

Have you verified it for yourself? @asifarahim No. You usually feel when you are ready. As the others already said, many psychonauts lived a long life without any apparent destruction. What can confuse your system is when you take them too often and don't let yourself have time to integrate.

Alternative title: Problem in conversations in creating a space for the person to express themselves rather than listening. I found out that I have sometimes trouble listening to people. I want to be truly open for them, but then I don't construct a story/world of them being in there. By being open for them the things to respond to arise like waves from the ocean, and that might take some time or doesn't at all. If their story would lay in front of me, then I could sit with it and jump back and forth to understand it. However, opening that space of hearing them without a me that constructs a story is like not writing things down. I feel that in constructing a story I don't really listen to them, like my bias of perspective is obscuring their story. Maybe there is a difference. Maybe there is a preference for hearing and not listening. How do you find balance or approach this in general?

@bejapuskas Interesting indeed

@Amilaer--- Oh thanks

@Matt23 Thank you for your perspective What you describe is exacly what I meant with constructing a story. It's really feeling how that is for them by constructing the story they are telling and placing myself in their shoes. @Nahm The answer you propose is what I mean by creating space for them. There is listening to the silence, and there might arise a wave from that ocean or not. What you suggest in the short term is what I described as creating a story. I feel that I am truly not veiling their story when I listen to the silence and might pick up a response. I like to see them how they are in their story and at the same time give responses the same as when I create a story.

I find myself constructing a story doing that on autopilot. When going silent internally without making a story there is just stontaneous arising of responses which can surface after some time or don't surface at all. What creates suffering is me wanting to respond while at the same time I don't want to obscure the picture of their story and there might be no response at all. This is already the case. However, it happens very often that no responses come at all and I feel that this is like stopping to dance with them in the conversations. I want to dance while seeing them for what they are. Or is that a contradiction? Idk.