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Everything posted by Lincisman

  1. One way which worked surprisingly well for me is to inquire. Byron Katie has powerful method to do that. But you have to actually do it and experience it for yourself. I know how easy it is to listen to advice and don't apply it. Her website:
  2. Having discipline- doing something on a regular basis that is just outside of what you feel comfortable. You overcome resistance consistently. Meditation, gym, reading, visualization, waking up at the same time every morning, cold approach, This idea of discipline is from Cal Newport video called deep life stack (something like that)
  3. Guys, I have upgraded my problems (if you look up my old posts you would know what I mean) Here are couple of points: First time we had sex I came in 2-3 minutes. It was nice Second time I did not ejaculate. Felt almost nothing. She felt too wet as if there was not enough friction. Third time same thing happened. She just finished me off by hand. In this state I can have sex for 60-90 minutes or more. Endless penetration. At first I thought it's because of the foreskin position. It isn't- I did some troubleshooting. I used the same candoms in all instances. If I masturbate, I come relatively fast. Now I starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable while having sex. Have you experienced this if so how did you fix the issue?
  4. Hi, I met a really cute girl while cold-approaching. We made out two days in row but we didn't have sex (she had her period). It was one day ago. Yesterday I found myself thinking about her and getting pissed why doesn't she write me. Hence becoming needy and all messed up in my head. Maybe because it's my first time and it's feels like a drug to me. But I don't want to stop doing cold-approach. How to say to her that I want to meet other girls? + I feel like if she is my only option I will become needy and fuck things up fast. I can already see this happening At the same, I don't want to be dishonest with her. In addition, I have another girl writing to me. She wants to meet me today. As for her I just want to sleep with her, just to get it out of the way. Yes, I am a virgin and have no fucking clue how it all works
  5. @Sempiternity thanks for the reply. Two more last questions: 1. Is it really the case that she does not care about me at all until after sex? Even if we made out and I touched her everywhere. 2. I am free to flirt/date with other girls but am I free to sleep with others? ( In case I want to be with the one I mentioned- sounds like stupid question) Ok, three questions: Is it true that texting is mainly for organizational/logistical purposes? Because as I saw with her, texting is fucking useless for almost everything else like flirting and getting to know each other.
  6. Okay, thanks for reply Leo But if she sees me approaching other girls it's basically over, isn't it?
  7. Do you have any experience with it? if so, how did it go?
  8. Don't forget to take notes. Personally I use google docs. ----- I suggest: Contemplate what does it mean to be reality-oriented (You can ask: what is really true in this situation?). Notice that your emotions, thinking and beliefs distorts how you see this situation. Read: Six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Here i add my notes on Leo's video titled: Motivational Speech - Oct 2021. It's for contemplation, basic points. I don't no how about you but this video is powerful (even if it seems funny). Makes me emotional and motivated. motivational speech.docx
  9. (deep breath) I am unable to form any meaningful relationships (Like spending free time together) with people (friendships and others), therefore I have only so-called acquaintances. Possible reasons: 1. I had a couple of experiences where I was hurt and mistreated. Hence refuse to open up to anyone (avoid showing how I feel or think therefore people cannot relate. They feel that I am being fake maybe). I Don't express myself the way I should in order to make a connection. Put on some sort of mask, a fake front -> fundamentally I cannot trust another person to be myself in the interaction because I am afraid of being hurt and judged again. (trying to articulate what I am feeling. But there is definitely a disconnect.) 2. I had an inadequate elementary school teacher. 3 out of 4 students in our class ended up having low self-esteem (which became obvious after I read Nathaniel Branden's work). In the book, he explains the dynamic low self-esteem in relationships. I may have this going on in me. (Lately, I have improved my self-esteem and my relationships did not change) Should I start somehow digging up shit from my past and set it up on fire OR I just work on my self-esteem and social skills? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not fully aware of it but by attitude towards other people is not good. Sometimes I feel like I am slowly becoming a villain. Seeing other people walking in the groups looking happy while I am alone. Firstly I get overwhelmed by these feelings of loneliness and cannot function, then the mind calms down I feel this energy which I can use to do something bad, hurt others. No one loves me anyways other than myself (but still not fully.) So after all of this I just go to the gym (yes, I exercise my legs too). This is my therapy whatever the meaning of this word is. Thank you if you bothered to read all the way to the end.
  10. This is good advice but in your experience how should one go about doing it? On the one hand, I can question them verbally, and actively. Or I can just look and see. This would be the more passive approach. Wait, I can put myself in situations where these beliefs (and related thoughts and feelings) can come to the surface (But what do I do once it's there?). I experienced that too Interesting. I see but most of the time these unconscious/ habitual feelings and responses are way way more powerful (loneliness and surrounding negativity). They are unpleasant and carry me away like an ocean wave. Hence I run away. This results in destructive behaviors most of the time. It feels like if I will allow these sensations to run through me they will destroy me. YES So a big part of it is my relationship with myself, right? Therapy is interesting. I prefer doing it on my own. Once I went to a psychologist but it was meh. It appears to me that you must do like 10s of visits to make it work. Does therapy mostly involve just talking and asking questions? How does therapy work in your experience? And what is the purpose of it?
  11. @integral Very practical. thank you. So what I do is remember what happened, write it down and try to bring more awareness and understanding to the situation. Is that how it works? And should I do it daily like a habit or just once? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The biggest problem is that my mind spins negative thoughts about the whole situation. Imagine I meet potential girlfriend and she finds out I don't have friends. What does that say about me? shit like that
  12. Hello, guys. I am trying to make conscious decision here. Do you have some experience and maybe can give recommendations on this? What is most important thing to consider and look at? I walk a lot. Bought barefoot shoes for summer and realized that this is what I need to feel comfortable. But winter is coming.
  13. Awareness Alone Is Curative - How To Auto-Correct Unwanted Behaviors 29:30 idea Possible points that can be covered: + Importance of change + What is change? + emotions vs logical mind + Repetition of thoughts + going from an idea of changing to the realization of it. + Contemplation vs thinking + Role of the rational mind in the process of change + How to sustain awareness + Backsliding + Taking action and hoping that problems will autocorrect vs doing more passive approach (therapy, contemplation) + What determines default actions of the mind?(automatic behavior) + Conscious approach(will power/awareness) vs subconscious approach (where you visualize, do affirmations) for change? + Misconceptions about how to change + Role of goal setting for change + What is actually happening when person tries to change?
  14. Hello. Quick question: The main message of the episode is that if one wants to change (auto-correct unwanted behaviors) the system that is the mind one should not engage into active action that is "forceful neurotic action" as Leo said. Listen to this part, it is very eye opening 29:30- 38:00. "system is really helpless to change itself without awareness" Fuck, this is what I have been struggling with for years. Falling into same behavioral pattern over and over again. I thought that change is impossible. It may be that this is not all that there is but still. This is the exact problem I have been facing for 10 years or so. ------ Does the same principle apply for constructing wanted behaviors? If yes, then how should one go about it? Like, can I increase motivation through awareness or something?
  15. One day I noticed that I feel most comfortable when I am barefoot with no socks or shoes. It led me to searching for shoes that would give me that kind of experience. So I found my answer: minimalist/barefoot type shoes.
  16. @eos_nyxia Thanks for extensive reply!
  17. benefits? All of them They are comfortable (at least for me), healthier for the foot (they are foot shaped). You can just google it. I experienced benefits first hand so I have not done any further research on why they are good, I just feel it
  18. Yeah, I ended up buying the same shoes. For me at least water resistance feature don't do shit. They are getting abnormally wet after couple hours of walking in a normal winter conditions (a little bit of snow, sidewalk). I don't know where the water comes from. I think about returning them.
  19. These are more foundational ones. Hope someone will find this information useful.
  20. Interesting ?. From my pov, this mindset is not effective or practical since it focuses on things that you cannot control. @Leo Gura and others, I wanted to ask in separate post this question: What is the ideal number of approaches per week? What should I aim at? Really I don't know what am I doing here. Appreciate the answers though. ?
  21. All I can suggest (and that's basically you need) is to implement Cal Newport's advice where he talks about time block planning, fixed time productivity, etc.
  22. I found some interesting shit here, that struck me as important, look, here: "The first step in Jung’s method of treatment, therefore, was not a drug prescription, but a dose of psychological insight – insight regarding what to expect from life and insight into what it takes to change. With respect to the former, Jung noted that many people believe that life should be easy, suffering kept to a minimum, and difficulties avoided. But Jung would be blunt with his patients telling them that life is not easy, and comfort and peace are not our natural state. Or as Jung wrote: “In the last resort, it is highly improbable that there could ever be a therapy that got rid of all difficulties. Man needs difficulty; they are necessary for health. What concerns us here is only an excessive amount of them.” Carl Jung, Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche Accepting that difficulties are inevitable and nothing worth achieving comes easy, places us on the firm ground of reality from which to change. For when we accept that life is hard, we will also realize that only through a strengthened character do we have any chance of living a good life. If, on the other hand, we remain caught in the delusion that life should be easy, we will be less motivated to overcome a weak character, as we will falsely hope that if we just give it time life will get easier. “Life is a battleground. It always has been, and always will be; and if it were not so, existence would come to an end.” Carl Jung, Man and His Symbols These mental models of how life should be can manifest themselves in a variety of different ways. Imagine if one had an idea that once she finds her passion she should feel the same as watching some standup comedy on Netflix (excitement, climactic moment), this probably will never happen. Hence that person will never find it. In his book "So good they can't ignore you" Cal Newport criticized the passion mindset for the same reason- unrealistic expectations. "The passion hypothesis convinces people that somewhere there’s a magic “right” job waiting for them, and if they find it, they’ll immediately recognize that this is the work they were meant to do. The problem of course is when they fail to find this certainty, bad things follow, such as chronic job-hopping and crippling self-doubt" – Cal Newport. How do you think one should go about changing these things (the expectations)? here is the source:
  23. This post is quite long but I felt I have to tell these memories just to understand myself better. Throughout my life, I was more interested in people rather than things. I was into philosophical ideas, psychology, the mind, and self-help. When I was 14-16 I remember getting excited reading the book by Arthur Schopenhauer called “The wisdom of life”. Feeling deep curiosity then I realized that meditation does work and wanted to find out how and invent more such techniques. When I was A kid I recall reading an article about how communication between people works (mostly because I was deficient in that area). One of the earliest memories I had was being into reading some book which was a compilation of short stories about monks. All of them had some piece of wisdom in them. That's probably why I read them. All in all, since I was 10 years old kid, I was into philosophy and self-help because I did not feel good about myself, so I tried to find a solution. That’s what it was if I think about it. Moreover, in school remember enjoying literature classes. We analyzed some literary works like Crime and punishment and tried to understand what the character was feeling, what were the motives for their actions, how the story can be related to the actual author’s life, etc. I remember being on the edge of my seat. I came to realize I enjoyed crafting and writing the essays (It happened then I got better at it). The teacher gave us a topic like “The importance of love in literature” It had a set structure of Introduction, body (2 paragraphs - statement, and 2-3 arguments to support it and conclusion. So I had to think through the whole argument and articulate it as best as I can. I recall the feeling when I had a blank sheet of paper, going through the literature that I have read to make solid arguments, It was quite fun. The external influence and ignorance on my part led me to become a software engineering major in college. (3.5 years of studying) I thought this would be a get-decent-income-relatively-quick scheme + I get to live in a capital city which means more socialization. So I finished the first year and it was absolutely useless in terms of software skills. Classes do not offer any value. A guy who is up for getting his Ph.D. told me that it is normal and next year will be better. So I think that I should just focus on my career software skills (to eventually get a decent-paying job and get financial needs met) and socialization. The question is what should I do with the fact that I am more interested (and it is more meaningful) in philosophy, psychology, etc. than software? Should I just learn software and have faith that passion and meaning (because right now I don't find it meaningful) will emerge with having enough skills? Or do other things on the side? Taking into account the fact that my initial interest and meaning in all these topics stems from a lack of fulfillment that I experienced when I was a young kid. I am almost 21 years old. With this post, I am trying to articulate things for myself. Any input would be very appreciated.
  24. You definitely need some sort of skills for that. in my POV the insights that you stumble upon yourself through thinking and contemplating have the most impact. As for resources I highly recommend Cal Newport's podcast and the books "deep work" and "so good they can't ignore you". Most importantly you know what skills you need and you focus, this is what Cal Newport's work can help with. You can also watch older episodes of Leo, where he covered more blue and orange topics (business, how to study, discipline etc.)