Strangeloop

First thing that could happen is that I lose my sense of self. Then Reality colapses and I end up not wanting to work in the material world. Because in the past I used psychedelics to deal with anxiety of life. Of not having a girlfriend. Stress at work. Etc. Also in the past I used psychedelics and drugs to escape. Then there is the psychosis aspect. In England I did ecstacy pretty frequently and I seriously lost my mind. I was not in my best form to work, because I was using and it all circled around using and reaching "The highest consciousness state" It's nice when you use it but then you stop using that is then all the drawbacks of psychedilics come. The low consciousness states. The depression. The anger. The negative thoughts. The HATE. I've got an opportunity to start taking psychedelics again and I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it.

I don't believe in theraputic process. I believe it's all bulsshit and there is no way of getting better. Atleast logically I believe that. Talking in general has been mostly unconscious. As soon as I open my mouth some nonsense comes out. I just keep the conversation going with little frazes and stuff like that. I don't really consider myself a speaker even if I started a facebook page and group and youtube based on speaking. I either find excuses not to talk or I am such a lazy person that doesn't even want to talk. Or third option is I just dont bother.

@snowyowl This hit me hard dude

@AtheisticNonduality Yes and then regret it my whole life. Feel shame and guilt ocer the things I could have done and live the life of victimhood, blame christians and the whole world for inequality and rights which were not given to me. And with the smile endure a big cock to my mouth, sounds like a plan man! Thumbs up to you!

@JonasVE12 Yes. I have had those feelings on inadequeacy especially in other males who seem more Alpha and are not afraid to throw a punch or fight back in any way. My Dad always has been trying to control me, I always rejected his authority. I never tried to talk to him heart to heart. He always looked down on me.

I envy people who have relationships. Any kind: friendships, brotherhoods, sisterhoods, and especially romantic relationships. I feel alone, mistreated, angry, hateful, sinful, guilty, shameful, scared, needy, and all out sad, unhappy. These feelings cause me thoughts of being alone forever, Like I will never find someone to talk to, like everything in my life will only be me talking to myself and no one is going to be there then I die and no one will care for me so I will just sit on my coach and talk to myself like a crazy(More like INSANE) person. I feel like whenever I try to connect to person, the connection just intsantly slips away and no one is there to catch it. So I sit alone, do nothing, and cry and moan and bitch about my problems, because I feel like a victim of life.

@JonasVE12 Well my job is perfect. I'm a taxi driver. My job is mandatory to meet people. The problem I'm occuring is staying in comfort zone like you said and not chatting people up. Which really sometimes is could help. But I would prefer not to.

@Arcangelo Well you just going to ignore all the relationship benefits then. Only focusing on ignorance will only make you feel like you are incapable of doing anything properly. You will feel alone and then this loneliness comes you will feel miserable and like a victim like I do. Thos loneliness doesn't stop me from having conversations. Even if I feel alone I feel like I can acomplish something, it's rare but it happens. Especially after a huge tragedy. When Life hits hard, energy comes to change you.

@Snuitje Well I had some values written down, I remember the top one being service. But I don't think that's it at the moment. And even if I could boil down everything to having my values met I don't believe it would make any difference if I aligned with my values or not. It would be the same Strangeloop all over again. This one is a thinker. Well I would have 4-5 male friends to hang out with. With them I would beatbox, played games and would go on road trips. But as I'm writing this I'm seeing that these more like copying other people. And authentically for me? It may sound evil or distorted or plain out dumb and stupid, but I would like to have my own community that I would run(and this again is something other people have done.) Okay let's be real here. I don't really know what my ideal relationship life would look like. I never had an ideal relationship or even a decent one, atleast in my eyes.

I have no hope, the matter of fact is that I am so fucking angry at the world and myself for not doing the tlvery best I could do before. Before I had abs, I had a diet but I was also doing drugs then. Now I'm fucking disgusted. In a negative rut. My mind is taking a toll on me, all I hear is complaining, gaslighting and hatred towards myself and other people. I thought I had so much to gain by doing this contemplation like thinkint but all I've got is anxiousness hatred and depression. All I want to do is escape from this world into some goddamm forgetten place where no one will find me, where I will die in a long and painfull death. Just me myself and I. Dying, alone... No one there beside me. Just me being a victim towards the world, because the weakling me is trying to act tough so much that I'm fucking Hating this part of me sooo fucking much. I'm just begging God to kill me already, end this misery so I could die. Or atleast lay in a coma and never wake up. My head is exploding with thoughts. It's like World War 3 in My Brain. I can't fight much longer. I think I will need to surrender to the devil and burn in hell for it.

Like I see that my body talking when no is around but when someone is around it just stiffs up and from my perspective is quiet and no one is talking. Like zoning out. Being anxious. and fearful. If I talked like I do to myself to other people I would hear their reaction and instantly would stop talking so I wouldn't need to deal with the consequences. Like trying to be myself without realising it really you. weird thoughts. Maybe the words I put are incorrect and rambling won't help but to be a decisive person sure does sound like an ideal more than reality. I'm sur3 you noticed that I jump from one topic to another but sometimes it's good that way because I haven't actually seen a person who would talk for an hour on one topic. It seems like Leo talking is talking on one topic but personally I see many topics. Or the way I shut myself up when the situation needs to, It could mean that, but I don't get it. Or I'm just more or less capable of talking to people but I lack the confidence and clarity of what I am talking about and what I should be talking about. Okay so this post in of itself was really writing my thoughts out seeing where it will lead me, you may see it as rubbish for the other person it might be gold.

No idea what's going on. My perception of Reality seems very limited. Like I don't see how my body really behaves. Like it's a fog of somekind. Seems like the body behaves on it's own. So who is writing this? The Observer? But the observer doesn't interact. I don't know anything anymore. I'm just flowing through life without being conscious of what is really going on. Mostly my perception becomes empty... Like it's a void and there's nothing there. And I'm not talkint about the negative feeling of feeling empty. I'm talking about just pure void, like space or something like that. Like the body and Reality dissapears and reapears on various intervals. Anyone experienced this?

If the void exists the human dissapears. If the void doesn't exist the perception of the human appears. That's simply put. It appears it dissapears but what the consistency of it I'don't know. it's very fluid and rigid at the same time

Smoked weed and drank alchohol with friends in nature and after the night I came home to be suprised by a message. A girl has invited me out. I wanted not to go cuz I was tired with little sleep, but since I'm sooo Open minded. I decided to go. Although I had to use some gas to go to another town. Which was kind of bummer. But I had a good time with her. The one thing that bothered me is that I zoned out when she talked and didn't really listened to what she had to say. All I heard was thoughts from my own paradigm of understanding. And I have this thought that I talk unconsciously? It could be delusional but still or I was quite, but I talked and still enjoyed the time. It was peaceful most of the time with a couple moments of anxiety. Edit: The peaceful times were mostly when I was quite. And when we talked I experienced mild anxiety. But it doesn't seem like that she wants anything serious and tbh neither do I. The logistics are not ideal and I could find someone else nearer to my area. But Maybe if she's up to driving to my place I might consider meeting up with her.

Those guys are desperate because the only way they gonna get any girl is to put themselves down and put the girl on the pedestal. That's how they think. First they have to realize that there is no actual girl that is "superior" in any way than they are. Ofcourse there's a trap of going superior yourself for too long and being an asshole with the girl but for the most part girls are attracted to assholes. Even if it hurts them. Unless they realised they don't want to be hurt so they reject the asshole and continue the search of the "nice" guy.

@WelcometoReality It's literally nothing, Like I Don't exist in that space. I don't know how else to explain it.

I see it as monkeys fightining over on who is stronger... Primal shit but still, somrthing worth to look into

I watched one video of sadghuru I found on this forum. After that, I managed to expand my time between smoking to 1 hour(which was easy in rehab. Now that I don't have anyone to stop me from smoking I feel like I can smoke whenever I want without any consequences. But I already see the consequences, at first it was A nice, mild, relaxing high. Now it's an obsession Like I need to smoke otherwise I'm not me or something like that. I get angry and frustrated when I want to smoke, so I smoke to calm myself down. Like a baby having to suck on that sucky thingy babies have so I wouldn't cry or scream. It's a habit for being calm and not to go crazy when all the crazy things are going on in life. But even if it's for calmness why can't I find different ways to calm myself down because I think it's making me calm but I also think it's only making me anxious.

especially on the job, I don't know how to stop it. I crave a cigarette every 20min. And it's easy to smoke because it gives temporall relieve. What can I do about it? If I stop smoking I fall into snack eating and believe me it's unhealthy.

So a quick backstory. I did a bunch of drugs and went through some serious backlash which led me going to a psych ward. In that psychward I saw a dream(or dreamt a dream) and then it ended, I heard a strong inner voice saying. "That's Reality!". After a while I didn't think much of it. Now I thought that dreams come to reality, because I think I saw some dreams or visions(I don't know how you classify them) which came to existence a.k.a materialized. But on the other hand those "Dream" like states were different from the dream itself, I guess I can only know if the dream is the actual reality when the dream comes to the material world in other words materializes. Have you experienced something similar? I would like to hear your take on this.

Ahhh... I miss the old days when I played minecraft with my buddies. Good times, good times

I think this experiment applies to our daily life. For example: If let's say your friend comes to you and says, you need to take a shit on the public street because it would be hilarious. And they tell you in a way that is very threating, like "I'm going to rape your family if you don't do it" and if you sense that it's not a bluff. You would probably make a hard choice and either: 1. do take a shit 2. not take a shit 3. run away 4. tell the authorities/get some help to fight 5. any other option. my point is the peer pressure is real and we need to be careful which thoughts/people we choose to listen and obey and which we do not.

So almost a year passed by and I'm still struggling with identifying my sexuality. I mostly ignore it most of the time and whenever I try to think about it I just distract myself. Recently I broke up with my first real girlfriend. I enjoyed the sex at first but when I had struggled to "feel into it" because most of the time I was in my head with my thoughts and Every problem I had with sex I blamed it on being gay. Had trouble maintaining an erection during a sex act, probably because of porn like people say. Of all the mindless masturbation to various porn videos. Which has ruined sex for me because I have this expectation of hard penetration but all I feel is tiredness and hopelessness. Also recently I had a dream where I was in bed with a transexual, it looked so real and I thought this was my life now, but eventually I had to wake up from it. And after I woke up, I wasn't even fazed one bit. I ignored it completely and just went with "My mind is playing tricks on me again".

@Nivsch when I was living in England, I had a strict routine but on the weekends I would use drugs like exstasy and weed to cope with all the stress in my life. But the stress only came back, so I had to find some more healthy ways to maintain a relaxed state like exercising, meditation, reading, journaling. And Yes I think a conversation with a good friend would help me sort out these thoughts and find a way to either escape them or resolve the conflict in my psyche.

This is the philosophy that Leo Has talked about - "You are Me". When a person says "I" he means Himself. But the other person who is listening might see the "I" of another person and indentify with his own sense of "I". Is this a healthy philosophy to identify with other humans? I think: no it's not. To be a healthy human being we as people we need to have our own sense of I. So we could live in our bodies as humans and not some crazy people who think we are other people. Yes there are similarities between us but there are also differences. If we ignore those differences then I don't know how we can become a part of society. What is your take on this?