PepperBlossoms

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  1. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    21 hours ago, Julian gabriel said:

    I've noticed that i'm able to tell my heart chakra to open at will when i'm alone, in doing so immediately feeling a immense warmth in my chest and a state of peace.

    But when I'm with another person I can't do this.

    I think this may be liked to childhood trauma and making myself numb so others don't hurt me emotionally.

    how do you deal with this issue? 

    I feel the most comfortable when alone too and may have similar trauma.

    Some ideas I came up with... (for my own exploratory fun and anyone else's)

    Taking the notion of alone and making it more abstract... lets say there are no "people" in the area but there are pillows, lamps, towels, lamps, etc.  I am not alone in that those items are with me.  Now the notion of people... make it abstract and say... oh we have drawn "dividing lines" for reality, created distinctions, created definitions.  If I am okay with the lamps next to me, can I be okay with the pillow next to me, okay with a hamster next to me, okay with a raindrop next to me, okay with a person next to me?

    Now lets take distance and make it more abstract.... what we call "people" are around but in different ways.  They may not be physically in the same house but maybe they are in the house next door, maybe they are at the park and they are 1' from me, they are 500' from me, they are 5000 miles from me, they are on another planet from me, they are in another dimension, they are in 100 years ago from me, they are 1000000 years ago right here from me, they are in my mind in my daydream, they are in my dream at night, they are in my vision, I can hear them with my ears.  There are people, or I imagine there to be people and do a good job of thinking there are.  Am I considered okay, calm, and alone when they are 10' away, when they are 100' away, when they are 1000' away, when they are not within the same room as me, the same house as me, the same city as me?

    Or another thing... I close my eyes and I see whatever.. fireworks, black, a scene at the beach.  I can say, I am alone.  I open my eyes and I see a person.  I close my eyes again and I see the forest.  I open my eyes and I turn around and I see a window.  

    When I see the window, the beach, the forest, what am I feeling/thinking?  When I see a hamster/donkey/snake/cockroach/glass of water, what am I feeling/thinking?  When I see the person, what am I feeling/thinking and why are the problems/irritability/fear from the image, sounds, smells, tastes, touches/associations from the person but not the beach, forest, hamster, donkey, snowflake, etc.?  What about the person that makes it irritable?  Is the light waves, the visual field of just looking at the person irritable, is it the sounds they make with their mouth/hands/shoes, is it the smell the body gives off, the taste (if I do that haha), the touch of their skin/hair, or the association of associating this person = scary/mean/dangerous.  Why did I make that association?

    Oh well the beach, forest, hamster, donkey, snowflake are not threatening in the way the person is.  But how is the person threatening and what is the person going to do?  The beach could drown me, the forest could have snakes that eat me, the hamster could break my heart, the donkey could eat my shoelaces.

    I guess the thing is is that people can hurt us, can be unpredictable, can put us in jail, can gossip about us, can kill us, can kidnap us, can rob us, can make fun of us, can criticize us, can mock us, can manipulate us... and that can be scary/no fun.  It feels unsure, unpredictable, risky, chaotic, unstable.  The forest/hamster/donkey/beach seems more predictable.  The human is so complex, it can do so many things.. yeah sure the other stuff can too... but the human is a system we don't fully understand, don't fully know how it works or how to work with it.  Human to human interaction is so complex too, it is like a pipe network, a theme park, a systematized thing with all these valves, links, alarms, maintenance workers, etc.  The system we still don't understand and that failure to understand everything can have consequences we also don't understand.

    So it makes total sense to be like, ahhh around people.  People don't understand people and people don't know how to interact with people.

    Beaches - oh I see the waves, I see the sand, the sand moves with the water and the wind, the waves move like this... it is kinda predictable.  Oh I am in my room and the pillows just sit there, the lamp just sits there and a light comes on when I turn the knob and the light goes off when I turn the knob again.  The bed just sits as is and the sheets just sit as is.  The walls just be walls, the carpet just be's carpet, the windows just be windows.  There isn't much change with those so we don't really pay any attention to them and they don't usually react or do anything unless we physically alter them ourselves.... BUTTT yet the carpet is made of atoms, the lamps made of atoms, the hamster made of atoms, the human made of atoms, the beach made of atoms... but yet the human combination of atoms has more possible potential than the lamp combination of atoms... more options, more flexiblity, more potential for change and to transform itself, to reflect and think on itself, and to change others.

  2. Posted

    Thinking about your post, I guess I haven't thought of the word authentic enough.

    Authentic kinda reminds me of the word truth.  I am weary of applying the word truth to things because it is kinda impossible to know the truth about anything.

    However, if it just goes with, instead of aiming for authenticity, aiming for feeling and what feels "right", even if it is based on a bunch of things that are based on a bunch of things that are based on a bunch of things... where everything is based on everything and everything is the foundation of everything...

    Even though we can't really rely on anything, I guess there is the whole paying attention to feeling.  How do I feel about this?  And keep on asking that.  The hard part is that we could pay attention to feeling and feel one way but then later those feelings change....and how can we trust what we are basing our feelings on?  How we can trust our feelings though?  Pay attention to feedback, pay attention to body movements, pay attention to thoughts.  I guess just try stuff, see what happens, make some tweaks, try again, see what happens, make some tweaks.  BUT... can we trust our judgment, our interpretation, our environment's judgement/interpretation?  But where is the dividing line between me and my environment?

    It's hard because we may never have all the info but we just try our best.  Life is whatever we make of it.

    Something could feel "inauthentic" because "oh I don't usually talk like that or do that, that is not me."  But... what is me?  Me is whatever I make myself.  So is that inauthentic or is that me trying something new, something different?  Me can change and transform all the time.  Shapeshifting.  Me has to be something though right?  Like I have to have some sort of skin/personality/appearance...  Is it bad for me to start acting/being a way that I have never been before?  Is that inauthentic, is that being silly, is that being experimentative, is that being creative, is that being exploratory/curious, is that being impromptu?

    Do the words I say have to match the words I think?  Do the words I say have to match the words I have said in the past?  There is no "have to" to anything.  Some stuff feels horrible, seems horrible, looks horrible... but then what is our definition of horrible and why are we saying xyz is horrible and abc is great?

    Why do I even want to be "authentic" in the first place?  Am I trying to be the "same" person and do I want to be the same person I was 10 years ago and the same 10 years from now?  Is to be authentic to be upholding a sameness?  Or do I want to do stuff that feels foreign, inauthentic, weird, scary and am I going to be something totally different in 10 years?  Is that okay?  Am I pressuring myself to be the same and not change because of how I think others will think of me?  Are the others me?  Do I want to be authentic for me or for others?  

    Cool topic thanks for sharing the question.

  3. Posted

    Even if there are few people at college, there are still opportunities to engage with the ones that are there.  It is relative too.  A college could only have 10 people and that could be considered a lot.  A college could have 10,000 and that could be considered a little.

    Our mental illnesses can feel miserable and the more we work on it, the better we can feel, cope, and heal.  Good job for working on yourself. 

    With conversations, sometimes having a fuck-it, let me just try this even if it is very clumsy and miserable and even if I get triggered or the other person gets triggered or one of us comes off as an asshole or whatever.. the more we keep on trying, the more we can find what works and what doesn't work.  I too will have anxiety and sometimes the back of my jaw starts chattering or I get triggered or say something I regret later but I think I am getting better at it.  If you want to talk fully, talk fully.  Take the idea/feeling and just go with it just for the heck of it even if it is corny or doesn't feel authentic to see where it goes.

    You can brainstorm several ways to find people and even if they aren't a perfect match, find a "good enough" match.  Aside from online forums, online peer support groups are also a great help for both mental health, practicing talking and interacting, and voicing one's feelings.

    Good job for leaving a degree you didn't like and going for the one you did, even if that meant leaving your friends.  That took strength, courage, and insight.

    You can make your own fun too.  Everyone will have their own good times and bad and you will too.  We could also note the friends we do have, even if they are in other cities, and talk to them.  Some of us never finish our needs of socializing and it is a continuous thing to various degrees.

    I can totally understand the loneliness and how one can feel like the need is not being met and that they can't work on anything else until that need is met.

    We are all intelligent in different ways and to different degrees.  We all struggle with different things and to different degrees.

    There will be those that do understand or can try the more we let them.  Seek what you want to find and keep on seeking until you find it.  There will be lots of people who have various overlappings with the same struggles as you.

    There is failure everywhere and sometimes expectations are not met and sometimes they are exceeded.

    We can choose to only see the wrong and low qualities in others.  We can also look for more nuance.  What is bad but has some good?  There has to be good as well.  Stuff usually isn't 100% bad or 100% good.  People may be interested in different things and may want to grow but in different ways based on their experience and values.  What is deemed high quality to one person may be low quality to another.

    Sometimes we have to steer the interaction and conversation into growth and questioning topics.  We can choose what we want to talk about and some may really be inspired by that and want to do it with us even if they don't typically do it otherwise.

    We are all "passing time".  People who look at social media, gossiping, eat junk food, have pointless conversations, etc. - that could be all that they are aware of.  You don't have to do it.  You can again choose to make the conversation however you want but yes some may be easier for working together and developing insights than others but also we can make the conversation so the other person is inspired to having an intriguing, curious seeking conversation... and some will go for it and others will reject and not want to.

    To understand reality more... contemplate, journal, read books, watch videos, talk to lots of different people, observe... But also, ha understanding is like a magician's seduction.

    To be more creative and passionate.... sit and think for awhile about what it means to be creative and passionate, what that looks like, what you want to do with it

    "High quality" people will be sprinkled everywhere and based on what we are looking for and have for our own definition of "high quality"

    No one is going to be on the exact same level and chances are, your potential partner will be at much higher levels than you in some domains and much lower levels in other domains and some similar levels in some domains

    Even if a potential partner is not interested in spirituality, you could share it with that person and the person may become interested or may not.  One will have some things where them and there partner are both interested in some of the same stuff and some stuff one is interested in and the other is not

    There will be people of all ages who are looking for partners

    Quite a bit of people have gone through being in lockdown and you are not alone in that

    Ask yourself what you want your last year of college to look like, what you want to do, and go for it

    Good luck.

  4. Posted

    For me, it has helped to notice when I am getting triggered and to try to see what triggered it and then at least come up with a list of my triggers to have some sort of sense of things.  Then when I am getting hint that the trigger event is happening again, I can at least identify it and may try to soothe myself and say, "it is okay, I don't need to react to this physically and emotionally right now.  I will just let it happen and wait awhile to see how I feel and think about this later."

    We can't hide from everything that is going to trigger us so just being able to come up with a game plan for when we are around something that would typically trigger us an alternative action we can take in place of what we have been doing.

    It can take a long time and come randomly to try to fully make sense of why we get triggered the way we do but at least deciding how we want to react to the trigger event, even if we still don't seem to understand why we are triggered yet, can be helpful.

    Sometimes we feel we can't do something and sometimes it is interesting just to try it anyway just to see what happens and where that leads us.

  5. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    Sometimes I feel like when depressed, it is not that we don't care, but that we care so much that we are unwilling to drop the seriousness obsession with how much we care; so much that that is what we focus on the entire day non-stop constantly with extreme work ethic, focus, and diligence on our dire mental health.  It is what we see all day.  We care so much that we are willing to try anything to make things better, even if that means turning to drugs, turning to wild sex with random people, turning to speeding, turning to stealing, turning to hitting, turning to yelling and calling people names, willing to stay up all night.  We care so much we contemplate suicide because that is just another thing we could try, another state of mind to play with to see if that will make things better; if we tell ourselves that this is the worst, this is the bottom of the barrel, if this, a way like procrastination or a way of having no plan B, that maybe this will get some sort of idea, reconciliation to pop into our head, something to make things better.  We care so much about feeling better that we are willing to quit school, quit our jobs, play video games all day, go for our passions, make music, write books, chase after the dream partner, etc. because we want to see if that will work.

    ...

    I guess I need to explore some more on the not caring.

  6. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    I liked the idea about how the stuff we are doing is not serving us and is taking away our energy.

    For me, when I get depressed, my thoughts would be like daggers and I would be under constant attack by my thoughts all day, day after day.  The thoughts were not serving me to feel well and I was not doing anything with my activity to serve me well either.  I was sitting in the puddle of getting attacked by my thoughts.

    I can see though that we are choosing to be under attack, maybe we have shame and we feel we deserve to be attacked because of our shame and so we keep on throwing the daggers at ourselves; we think we need this shame, we think we need to talk down on ourselves, we think our karma needs to have it to make things even, we think that that will help us to figure it out and to strengthen us; however if nothing but shame, it can be too much and too constraining, too confined, too repressed.  But also the thoughts can eventually help us figure stuff out but not necessarily when they are daggers but rather when they are like lily pads of ideas, when they aren't as threatening to work with.  When we can use them to build mansions of ideas instead of just stay huddled in a shed.

    This reminds me of how sometimes I have to do something completely different, like a video game, weed, a painting, an interaction, something to distract me and change my environment/focus and get me to be too busy to have time to dagger myself, that I can let ideas in that do serve me, do lift me up, do inspire me, etc.

    I guess when we do inspiring stuff, we inspire ourselves and that inspiration can feel so great that we don't feel the need or desire to dagger ourselves.

    And it can produce this dopamine effect where we want to do more things that inspire us, captivate us, make us curious, make us feel proud, etc.

    The act of doing things that the heart will enjoy and that fills the heart up is huge and very helpful for recovery, in my experience.

  8. Posted

    I have started shaking whenever I would speak about something sensitive to others (teeth chattering, feeling jittery) such as about my experiences/goals/desires/thoughts/suggestions.

    I too had an energy where I was excited(?) but also scared of what I was saying and if it was even the right thing to say and how others would respond.

    Part of me may have been like, oh maybe this isn't something I should be wanting or suggesting/doing/talking about.. and then battling with saying it anyway.

  9. Posted

    what works for me when stuff gets really dark is noticing that its in the thoughts that are making it horrible and to go back to the present moment. 

    the thoughts are mad/sad about the past and worried about the future.

    to stop listening to the thoughts because they don't have all the info anyway and just focus on feeling - my head hurts, my neck is tilted on my pillow, i need to use the bathroom, my laptop is against my lap, etc.  living in feeling can be a nice escape and then the thoughts kinda go away and some nice hopeful thoughts may come later.

    the present free from all thoughts is kinda freeing when the thoughts are such daggers

  13. Posted

    haha my life is a rollercoaster so yeah.  I live in conflict..

    here are some more

    -mental illness

    -huge ego; thinking of self as so much better than everyone else (intellectually, discipline-wise, skills, etc.) and one becomes absolutely ridiculous to deal with (out of control ego/asshole)

    -wanting to be "morally good" so badly that one sees the bad in everyone else but self and logically reasons with self that self can do what self is doing even if it is bad stuff; obsession with being "respectable/perfect/morally just" (example - one wants to kill the killers as a way to rid evil but then becomes a killer in doing so); one justifies one actions because one was hurt by other but yet the actions are going to cause hurt too

    -defending one's stance/team/actions because of tribalism; "us vs. them"; using social norms, current ethics laws, religion, etc. to reason one's actions even if they are hurtful

    -when there is no punishment, people may start to steal/kill because they can get away with it and benefit from it; when one group has so much power imbalance advantage that no one can really do anything to stop them that the power corrupts them (wealthy; large militaries; large corporations)

    -when there is too much punishment/strictness, people may start to resent authority/rules and see authority/rules as bad and themselves as good even if they are causing conflict for the group/others

    -poor sleep/diet can cause anger

    -the natural conflict that exists where stuff has to eat/take from/consume to survive

    -the natural conflict that exists when: you start making land, property, resources, food, water, information, etc. private and put a money value on labor/goods and the owner gets more value from the work than the laborer does; when people are forced to work;  when jobs do not get the same pay or even people within the same company not getting the same pay; when there is an imbalance in natural skills, aptitudes, abilities, interests, values, experience, resources; when people have different values to where they cannot agree on what the outcome/goal should be; when one refuses to admit wrongdoing for anything or when one takes the blame for everything; when people do things to benefit themselves at the expense of the group's suffering or vice versa; having a different experience and so different understanding/views

    .... lots of ways for conflict.......

  18. Posted

    I was thinking about how all religions, emotions, identities, understandings, issues, etc. are stories that we just have to tell ourselves over and over again with great diligence.. it is kinda super weird how we keep on replaying it in our head.

    Anyhoo.. if everything is just a story, what story do you want to create?  What is it going to look like?  Why that story?  Do you think that it is actually going to happen?

    Or are you like me and just see a black hole, too unimaginative to imagine what the story would look like...?

  19. Posted

    Aside from genetic and various toxic chemicals, I was thinking that much depression/anxiety/bipolar/etc. comes from realizing/noticing/feeling powerlessness.

    Like that powerlessness is one of the roots of suffering/mental health issues.  

    Being forced to do things; being told we can't do things; not having control of things; being too small to really address some large thing; in environments we have no control over; being in a body and on a planet that we didn't ask to be in; having rules we are told to adhere to that we didn't ask to have; being forced to go to church/school/work/activity when we didn't ask to, not being allowed to quit, being exploited, feeling unheard and unable to make a difference, feeling like our opinions/wants/values don't matter and only some get the right to have them but not us, too many hoops to jump through, seeing futility, ... so many things we are forced to do instead of do because we want to... and the things we do because we want to, it is for our own exploitative cause/need (codependency, fulfillment)...

    By the powerless, exploitative nature of reality, we are upset and feel slaves to this body we are in and slaves to the hunger, slaves to the thirst, slaves to the need for belonging and attention, slaves to the pain, slaves to the money/property/government system... we don't want to keep on being a slave...

    Yeah sure some of mental health issues could be from having an inaccurate model of reality and possibly refusing to switch models

    Thoughts?

  21. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    I want to quit/run away/leave when I am upset with something too.

    I identified it when I feel: hopeless, like the other person isn't listening, upset, like I don't have any options, like I've been backed into a corner, when I am being told I HAVE to do something or CAN'T do something.

    The good part about quitting is we get to change our environment and don't get stuck in the same thing.  The bad part is that we tend to find things about the new environment that are worth running away from too.

    I realized that it seems that everything is exploiting everything.  Umm one of the uplifting things I found yesterday is just reading work by people who speak what we deem as authentic/truth-seeking about stuff.  Like I started reading Karl Marx yesterday and within the first 10 seconds, some of my anger went away...because I felt some similar feelings that he had and it was kinda just like getting validation...

    I've been going to free online mental health support groups (like 3 sessions a day!) and those are helpful.

    Umm.. this binaural beat is for anger: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh3Y9vTCOGQ&t=324s 

    I like these guys: 

     

    Or listening to some heavy rock/metal is nice sometimes

  22. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    On 3/24/2022 at 10:25 PM, Karmadhi said:

    Should i just try to go for average or below average looking girls? I just want to be feel desired and loved by someone for once.

    Should i just try to go for girls no one wants to date?

    Note that if you have a million people, half the million will be considered above average and half the million will be considered below average.

    But everyone will have a different definition of what above average and below average looks like.

    Everyone is messed up in various ways.  Sometimes you just have to take a chance on someone you think is too low for you and then find out that they were greater than you realized.  

    Or, lower the bar and make every single person a potential partner; find potential in everyone.  Every single single person on the dating app, in the room, is a potential mate.

  24. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    -physically harming the other person

    -bullying, picking on one's character or anything

    -taking everything too personally, getting too emotional, being too sensitive to continue/interact, making oneself the victim, getting triggered by the subject, feeling touchy about the subject

    -poor reasoning/epistemology; thinking too simple; not enough nuance

    -being too scared to speak your mind, feeling like an asshole and preventing oneself from just being real to themselves, feeling uncomfortable

    -lying, deceptive, inauthentic, unreliable

    -a clash of personality types, someone who has a hard time interacting with certain people of certain personalities/backgrounds/mindsets/etc.

    -not sticking with the conversation long enough for both sides to understand each other and come to some sort of consensus (ex: switching subjects too fast, one person hogging all the speaking time and talking over the other person, not listening, not responding, seeing the other person as an idiot, repeating the same phrases over and over again and the conversation going no where, not having enough similar experience to be able to understand, using logical fallacies, not engaging (derping), not understanding the references and there needing so much time to explain stuff to just be able to keep the conversation going, being really bad at working with others)

    -having such different value systems/goals

    -having a different opinion on what conversations/interactions are supposed to look like and what the point/goal of the conversation/interaction it is supposed to be

    -misunderstanding, confusion, poor translation, loss of data by telephone game

    -censorship of information, not being allowed to speak, propaganda, blasting of one perspective and quieting of any dissenting perspectives

    -not seeing self's own shortcomings and only seeing the shortcomings of the other person; seeing the other person as delusional. unaware of one's own delusions;

    -unable to go deep/broad enough, not creative enough, not curious/patient enough, not enough communication skills/experience

    -personal bias, survival bias

    -benefit to have the outcome be a certain way, one's survival depends on the failure/exploitation of the other

    -unwilling to drop one's own perspective, unwilling to see it any other way

    -attention span is too short, one really isn't interested in the topic/activity, one is focused on something else and isn't really being present with the interaction

    -selfishness, low scope of concern

  25. Posted · Edited by PepperBlossoms

    http://lonestaraca.org/am-i-an-adult-child/#:~:text=An adult child is someone,learned from stages of childhood.

    An adult child is someone who responds to adult situations with self-doubt, self-blame, or a sense of being wrong or inferior, all learned from stages of childhood.

    I think that some level of self doubt is good though because you are questioning things.  Self doubt is kinda the same thing as a sense of being wrong.  Again it is okay to do this and if one doesn't do it at all, they may be more of a problem.

    Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?

    Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?

    Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?

    As an adult, do you feel immature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?

    As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?

    Do you fear authority figures and angry people?

    Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?

    Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?

    Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?

    Do you involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?

    Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?

    Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?

    I remember feeling awkward when people were at my house and we were in the kitchen/dining room/living room and felt more comfortable being in my room with the door closed but even then, I may not feel comfortable.  What I do now is just be on the other side of the country from my parents so that is no issue.  It was more being dismissive of behavior that it was excuses.  I cannot change other's behavior and don't care as much if I am not around the person ever.  I am trying to work with others better.  I didn't try to do the protection thing until recently and it was more against sarcasm.  Maybe I should study up on sarcasm some more as it can also just be funny/playful but can also be hurtful/mean. But again, if I am never around the sarcastic person, it is not an issue and is out of my awareness.  I can see that I am not "grown up" in some ways but also that we all have things we still need to work on and develop.  I think I am treated like a child in terms of being told what to do or questioned but I think that adults do that to other adults so that may not necessarily be a child thing - it is usually because there is an identified problem/concern that one wants to speak of.  Yes I have had a great fear of authorities and angry people.  If I distance myself, then it is no issue but I have noticed that I need to not pay attention to the tone, which I have connected as being scary, and rather pay attention to the subject of the voice.  I think I need to watch several videos of people with the assertive, aggressive, angry personality type so I can get more used to it and familiar with it.  Yes if the compliment is on "good job" or "you are pretty", I feel like it is a lie but if it is about some of my writing, I will agree that it is good.  I guess good job and pretty is very, very relative but I do feel proud of some of my writing.  Yes I will interpret criticism as an attack and need to work on that.  Maybe I should write down a bunch of ways to be criticized and how that can be helpful info and not hurtful and look at why I am interpreting it as an attack. Sometimes I think I can impact how they feel yes. I think we are all impacted by everything.  I may point things out to them that I see are problems.  I will judge myself but yes it is hard when you don't have a context for what is normal so getting more and more context is super helpful.  I think we are all effected by behavior, regardless of what it is.