PepperBlossoms
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Posts posted by PepperBlossoms
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I feel like when we moved away from being in communities with our family and neighbors, we got some more isolation and "everyone for themselves" attitude. There are good and bad things. The stuff is more unevenly distributed. Instead of it being shared among the community, it is more within the individual. Families do not even necessarily share the wealth with each other. Every person is having to figure out how to exploit in order to survive instead of working together. It makes sense in a way that we evolved towards this because the exploiters would do better than the sharers. However, we also evolved to share because we had to to survive. One person couldn't do everything. It is like a pendulum where you go back and forth from exploiting to sharing to exploiting to sharing. Systems are becoming more resilient in some ways and weaker in other ways.
Tradition and culture and sharing common beliefs is less as much a thing. Parental opinions are having less of an effect because people can share info with others so easily that they are not limited to those within their geographic boundary.
We can more massively fix things and more massively mess up things. Some structures are deliberately messing things up and some are deliberately fixing things and some are doing something in between but that will also depend on the perspective used.
I like the idea of trying to be as efficient with ones time as possible as that lets one get more stuff done. I came up with the idea, well if I have to eat and I have to stretch and I have to do the tennis ball thing and I want to finish a documentary, I can do them all at once! There is a bit of opportunity wasted because when you eat, you are doing a physical task with your mouth but not using the body or brain. When you watch a documentary, you are using your brain but not your body. When you stretch and use the tennis balls, you are only using certain parts of your body and not too much of your brain. However, you could also be stretching and using the tennis balls and it can be meditative too.
My mind does jump from one thing to another as it has many things it wants to cover and explore.
I feel somewhat weird about - okay I still am not doing anything about the job thing - but I also have a bit of things that I want to do first. I am not sure if that is bad or not but also, when we get into a job, it takes so much time and kinda prevents other things.
I was thinking about exotic flowers and how they can be inspirational for exotic ideas and activities.
https://livingcolorgardencenter.net/gardening/exotic-flowers/
https://www.flora2000.com/blog/2014/07/10/10-must-see-exotic-flowers-from-the-world/
https://hanatropicals.com/large-tropical-arrangement/
Exotic stuff can inspire us to seek out other exotic stuff. New ideas inspire new ideas.
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One of my peers sent me this. It is so nice to see this thing happening. They said that they hope to be able to get 90% of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and are also installing interceptors and rivers all over. This is super great!
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Part of me is like, oh talking to people is a waste of time, but another part is like, well ignoring them is rude and if you can do it quickly, then hey, that is a win-win. I feel like I go in phases where I want to spend a whole lot of time talking to people and then other phases where I just want to be by myself.
Like it doesn't take that long to send a reply and depending on the reply, some will require more time than others. If it is just a simple, hello, I hope everything is going well, well that is pretty fast. Sometimes we will want to put a lot of effort in and sometimes we won't and that is okay too.
I think also like even with writing, I could put in a lot of effort to get the grammar right or I could put in a little effort. Sometimes putting in medium effort is good.
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I feel like one of the things with derping is that we may do it because we haven't learned how to not do it.
When we were in school - all the way from kindergarten to the end of college, we were kinda basically instructed to sit, be quiet, don't move around, and just watch the teacher, do what the teacher says, write down what the teacher says, memorize what the teacher says. We were to take everything in but there was no back and forth. Yes we would take a test but we didn't really have to know how to use the material, we just had to know the surface of it to answer the questions - we would look for matching keywords, we would look for clues as to what the question was asking and what data points that we had for solving it and/or answering it. There wasn't any time where we were to have one person telling us lots of data and we had to quickly interpret it and tell them the data back.
I think another thing that causes derping is because of the way jobs are - we don't really get a say in stuff - so we are just like as we were when we were students, we are to just follow commands. Yes to a degree the higher your position, the more you get a say - but also to some degree, you are still the slave following the commands of the others.
People may feel like they are not rewarded to be executioners because they get paid the same annual salary regardless, so there is no incentive to go above and beyond (unless the company rewards you for that). Companies will get the profit, you won't, you may feel like you are getting used, you may get pissed off, you may feel like you are not getting paid enough, you may ask for a raise, they may come up with an excuse for why they can't do it such as "raises aren't offered at this time of the year, we have to see some more, we are still looking in to it, etc."
The people who make amazing things have to step outside of being a derp and start acting, doing, going for it.
Ways to not derp:
Someone is talking and you try your best to stick with it as much as you can, no matter how hard it is to pay attention and stick with it
When you are talking, you have to actively consider that there is someone you are talking to and you can't just keep on talking and talking. You have to look at them and make them as part of it. (I am really bad at both of these still. I tend to have thoughts and I am just speaking what I am seeing/thinking and am ignoring the other person.) Multi-tasking can be helpful or just doing on thing at a time.
I guess the process of not derping would have to be getting shown a lot of new, different ideas and feeling inspired to actively seek them out yourself. Getting inspired to think about them and spend a lot of time doing that. Being around people who actively share their ideas. Being able to actively back and forth share your ideas and respond and then listen and then respond.
Of the thing I put in bold, how would I get better at that? Also I would tend to resist doing things. Someone would say, hey lets do xyz and I would kinda respond as a slug. How would I be like yeah, lets do it! I think you just have to get in the habit of being "on" and saying yes. Notice your urge to say no and resist it and say yes. However, it is also helpful to NOT say yes to everything too so that is really tricky.
To be better with others:
Notice, I am with another person. I am not alone. The other person has thoughts just like me. The other person wants to be listened to just like me. The other person wants my attention and to be addressed just like me. I forget this items constantly. I have gotten too used to being in my own bubble even if I am around other people.
In one way, you have to take your ideas less seriously so that you can take the other person more seriously. You are putting 99.99% of your attention on the idea and 0.01% of the attention on the person you are with. That doesn't work. If you want to be with the other person, you have to put maybe 60% of the attention on the idea and 40% on the other person. I need to get better at constantly looking at the other person for feedback, clues, info. I guess I am so absorbed at what I am coming up with, what I have come up with, and what I could come up with, that I am rejecting that there is another person there.
Problems we have with others COULD be problems we have with ourselves. When I talk and talk and talk and the other person doesn't say anything, I may initially get mad that they were not listening and are not responding. However, I too was no listening to them - not listening to their body language and responding to their need to be part of it.
I liked what the woman in the 14th hikes documentary said - she mentioned how she would let her husband go after whatever goals he wanted. I thought that was a nice, supportive way to be. I am so used to my parents trying to push their interpretation of what goals are and are not allowed to be gone after but she was like, no we are all adults and we can pick what goals we want and I am not going to get in the way. It is like the therapist thing where the parent has a guess of what would be best for one's path but that is not necessarily going to be as good as what the individual thinks will work for them. So when my parent or friend is telling me stuff to do and I don't listen, that is because again I am thinking about it one way and they are thinking about it another way and we have different priorities and different needs.
I also thought that it was interesting how the guy in the derping video said that humans will push the boundaries to their limits and how it seems many humans have decided that they do not have boundaries and what is going to happen is those boundaries are going to continue to get pushed. I can see that I am pushing the boundary to the limit of staying at my peer's second home and how, yeah that could get taken away - that has helped hugely with saving money and not having to pay it on rent, utilities, property tax, whatever.
I too would like to let people go after the goals they want and not try to convince them they can't and be supportive of their endeavors - which that could look like asking them how it is going... ah I am not sure on this. Part of me feels like you shouldn't have to do anything when it comes to another's endeavors. Sometimes when people are being supportive, they are actually hurting us because they are pushing us in a direction we may not have otherwise chose for ourselves. Heck, I remember when I was younger, the direction I wanted to go in was to work at a strip club- I thought it would be fun. The me now says, oh well was that a stupid want? Looking at how I don't really want to use my college degree at all, the college degree, which my parents pushed, seems even more ridiculous in a way. Well maybe not. I guess I was thinking it would be cool to get to interact with people - but again, would I have even lasted and that could be a really dangerous, toxic environment. Also, some of the patrons could be scary too. Also, you don't know how that is going to impact your reputation. I can't believe that I had my friends ask the owner if I could work there and he said, okay show up tomorrow with xyz. Part of me is like, oh well my face is so innocent looking and haha what is he thinking saying yes to that. My friends convinced me not to go the next day and I also didn't like the idea of having to wear flats as all of the ones that I had had had hurt my feet. (Wow that is weird using 3 had's in a row but I guess that is possible...)
So with regards to pushing the boundaries to our limits, we could do that with money - trying to stretch it in as many ways as possible, with our time - trying to be as efficient as possible, with the activities that we do - selecting ones that will help us with growth as much as possible. I think I do that with money by A, not spending it on housing as I am currently lucky enough to not have to, and really only spending it on food for the most part (which food is still super expensive). Also because I rarely drive, I am not spending it on gas as much. I can stretch it even more with the gas app that tells you where the cheapest gas is and with the grocery store app that lets me get coupons and other discounts - and then if I go to the local one, I will save on gas and time... but the local one is more expensive but maybe with the app with the savings it will still be worth it. All the mental energy and time spent into going to the other one that turns into a 3 hour trip does take away a large chunk of the day. Regarding efficiency, well I guess part of that is just not blowing my time on things like video games, the news, gossip, talking to people for so much but it doesn't really go anywhere or provide for much. Talking to people is weird because it can be a huge time waster and distraction, but sometimes you need those people when you need help/friends and if you keep on blowing them off and only interact when you want them, then they may not be there for you because you aren't being there for them. That is a tricky one. Also, what about the whole phone call thing. If someone says, hey lets talk on the phone or lets zoom later. Part of you is like, ah is this going to be a waste of time? Do I turn this down? I am still not sure. Regarding activities that help us with growth - that could be writing, reading books, meditating, exercising, creating, questioning. I guess with regards to reading books, watching documentaries, watching movies, talking to people, reading stuff on forums - these are tricky. One could easily blow so much time doing it and it not be productive or lead to anything. But sometimes you have to be willing to not be productive and it will take you to places you never knew you could go to and give you totally new and different experiences.
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I felt bad with regards to how much potential extra electricity was having to be used because the window coverings were not all the way down on quite a bit of windows and so I just went around and closed basically all of them.
It would be nice to have a tool where you can press a button and it will close all of them for you and you can also select which ones you want to open up and at what time and based on what temperature it is outside.
I am not sure if writing our day to day thoughts is helpful or not. If we are writing about it in terms of "I feel good" and "I feel bad", maybe that is a good thing because it is possibly helping us to better understand what we like and do not like.
I feel good about having gone through the exercise of trying to look at the career suggestions I was given
I feel good about the videos I have watched recently and the books I have read recently as they seem to have been very helpful
I feel good about trying to work things out and utilize different sources
I feel bad about how I utilized different sources
I feel bad about the way by body feels tight in some places like my arm - I need to stretch
I feel bad about feeling super cold - I need to do laundry to get the warmer stuff clean so I can wear it!
(I have those in my Trello already though)
I feel bad about having missed the meeting and not just cancelled my registration or made a better effort to attend. I need to be more responsible with that.
I feel good about writing ideas down.
I feel partly bad about using this site to write ideas because there is the desire to not put everything that you want to put. If I had my own private journal, I could put anything. That is something to think about. I have made a note to look in to other journaling apps. I guess there is the idea of, oh well if I put things on here, people can read it and give me suggestions whereas if it is private, no one will be able to. I guess another option is to not put the most private things but I can put everything else. A concern though is lets say I come up with some great ideas. Those could get stolen by someone else because I put them on here - if I am trying to capitalize on them as my own ideas.
Again it is hard to know what to do.
I feel bad about my posture
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I am not sure if this is the best place to be journaling or if it even matters where I do it.
I had a personal blog that I did it in. One problem with that is that you couldn't quickly see all of the blog posts and would have to click one by one. Another way I had been doing it was using Microsoft Paint but again I had this small text over a large file and would have to scroll around to see everything as well as open and close lots of files. Another one was notepad.
I usually don't go back and look at anything I write and there is a chance I will just delete it. One nice thing about writing on here is that the text is small, easy to read and scroll though, and so if we ever wanted to go back to find things, it may not be that hard. However, it is risky putting your thoughts on someone else's website because he or she could take their website down at any moment and some of the information that you type could be used against you. It is cool though in that you can read other people's journals and it can motivate you to do certain things.
There is one side of the spectrum where we are sharing too much and another side where we are too scared to share anything. Sharing too much can at least help us work through many ideas whereas if we are hiding, we may not be able to work through things as easily.
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Having a Trello has been probably one of the most helpful things for keeping track of tasks that I need/want to do.
Oh that is another one. Is it proper to be dashing stuff like "need/want" or is that not okay? I will add to my Trello.
I find that I will come up with things to do but then I will not necessarily do them. Sometimes I say, meh I don't really have to, sometimes I say, meh I am not interested in that anymore. It will vary. It is not necessarily bad to not do things we told ourselves we would do. It can be helpful to have a checking mechanism where okay, we say yes on somethings and no on others but it gets checked to where the original placement of yes's and no's doesn't have to be bound to that and can change.
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I am wondering if my typing style has become a bad habit. Or has many bad habits. I will sometimes just use the dash - and I am not sure if that is appropriate or not. If I am going to be writing and trying to sell the work, it may be beneficial to spend some time updating myself on various writing requirements.
Here are some that I would need to look up as I am not sure:
-Can you use - (dashes) or does everything have to be commas, periods, etc.
-When do you put the period and comma when it comes to a quote? Example: "My name is Susan", she said. Stuff like that- I am not sure. Again I used the dash again. Part of me is like, oh well we should be more free to write however, but if I am doing it in a way that is annoying or improper, I may want to learn the commonly accepted way.
-Can you use sentence fragments or does everything have to be subject-verb?
I feel like requiring ourselves to be so compliant with the rules can feel like it is restricting; however it can also be helpful to be aware of what the rules are and what we can break and what we cannot.
-How to use ";". when do you use it.
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Why did I start derping so bad? Like when did this become a habit?
As the guy in the video had said, half of self help is self soothing and I was probably doing the self soothing option.
I have noticed that when I talk to many people, the level of the conversation is like a 3rd grade level. When I talk to my peer, it feels like a PhD level - it is kinda like how there are easy books and hard books and the speaker said - you need to find the hardest books that you can find to read and read those and you may find yourself needing to take a nap because it is just so hard to read. Well I feel like when my friend is talking, sometimes I am wanting to yawn and I think it is the same thing. I am having to put in so much effort on focusing to what they are saying and thinking of how to respond to it that I get tired and yawn - it is really hard work. The conversations are really tough - I guess part of it is - the stuff my peer is talking about is stuff coming from their head and their head thinks quite differently from mine and has a bunch of material jam packed in each sentence.
It can be hard to chose to be present constantly too. I think choosing to show up, choosing to listen, it is tough but it can be rewarding when we do that and when we don't do that, we are denying ourselves of some information. One thing about being present, I was talking with my peer about, is that it is kind of an odd saying because you could be present but focusing on your own thoughts, or present and focusing on the room, or present and focusing on the other person, etc.
I guess one has various levels of levelling up and to stop derping in the many ways that one is doing it can be another way to level up.
With regards to being present, we also discussed how - oh well one can be present and playing video games or one can be present in doing the things they want to do to create things.
Another thing that I noticed was that many of the people in the videos I have been watching recently - none of them work for others. They are all doing their own thing (at the time of the video). There is the motivational guy who I just watched - he has his own thing. There is the 14 Alps guy - he was doing his own thing. There was the youtube guy - he was doing his own thing. I think that to get to the level of vision, autonomy, and freedom, you have to be doing your own thing - you can't be doing it under someone else. It was interesting with how the youtube guy would study other youtube videos to see what was successful and did this everyday for years and years and chatted all day with a group of other people doing the same thing and they would share their insights. Having a group like that for your help can be huge.
I feel like I don't totally have the super passion for one specific thing but I do have a passion for exploring various ideas and sometimes doing that through writing. His medium was film. Writing seems to be the easiest for me because I don't have to use anything other than a computer, my hands, and my mind. I am not sure if going with the easiest option is the best but it does seem to be what I am good at. It was interesting how the youtube guy never really cared about school and thought he didn't want to listen to teachers reading off the textbook all day - that makes me go - oh well, my backup plan is currently teaching - is that still something I want a backup plan for? if I did do teaching, I would need to put in some effort to decide what I was to teach, to who, and how. I wouldn't want it to be something where the people I gave it to were not interested - or not necessarily.
Maybe I should make an effort to stop using the words "ummm", "hmmmm", "I guess", and "like". That would be one step to sounding more mature in my writing.
I had reserved a spot to be in a virtual group therapy for today but I missed it and I feel bad because someone else could have had that spot. I had not gone to it before and so I am not sure what it would have been like.
I am finding it weird in how we can think - oh I am not the problem, it is definitely the other person - when actually, no we could be a huge part of the problem and us being a derp and not acknowledging that and taking it seriously can then get others to be upset and we could be seeing them upset and think - this person is scary - but it could be that they think we are scary because we are not taking xyz seriously.
I am putting a note to myself to watch the derping video and the ask yourself how it feels video again in 1 year. I added it to my calendar. I think those 2 are really good for keeping one on track.
Staying on track can be helpful for change and potential - however, sometimes it can be good to not be on track and just trying new things too.
I feel bad about putting "I need more people to talk to" on facebook and lots of people responded and ah IDK um I guess I should not have put that - it is hard to know what rock bottom is, it is hard to know when there is a problem, it is hard to know how bad something actually is. I think again yes I may overreact but yeah it is hard to know. It is hard to know what to do about things, what to try, what to listen to.
It was interesting how the guy in the video, I need to get his actual name, said that successful people think they are dumb and broke people think they are smart. I definitely used to think I was smart but am feeling dumber so maybe that is a good sign. My back is kinda hurting - I need to get my posture better too. That can probably impact how one thinks of oneself.
We don't really know what we want quite often - or at least I don't - we kinda jump around from saying - well maybe I want this - and then we go for it and we find out, "no that is not really what I want", and then we try something else and see if "yes this sounds like something I want" or "no I thought I needed/wanted this but I actually don't".
I am seeing how one reason we may not listen to other's suggestions is the same reason we may not listen to the therapist. There are potentially infinite possibilities for how to think about something and how to take action on it and both the therapist and the friend are just giving a few of that potentially infinite possibilities and we are not them and so what is good for them may not be what is good for us. Sometimes the thing that seems like the absolute worst option for them is actually the absolute best option for us and they may strongly advise us against something but again, they are not us, they do not know everything going on, we do not know everything going on, etc. it is nice of others to give some suggestions but quite often, the suggestions may not be what is the best - but again sometimes it will.
I noticed that I am tensing up my body but it is also super cold in here. Many of the windows were rolled up and it is really, really cold outside. I think the house is making noise because of how cold it is and how much it is having to do to heat the house, especially with the windows covering down. However, there are only a few more hours left of the night and I did not want to close all of them and make a bunch of noise doing that. I think I sleep better downstairs than upstairs because there is too much noise that can be heard from up there while down here is more quiet and the room is much, much smaller so it would be easier to heat when the door is closed and the window coverings are down.
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I think I freeze because I feel bad about my coping mechanisms.
I need to change my coping mechanisms.
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@Migue Lonas shared this video and I watched the whole thing and it was super, super helpful! I eventually started to take some notes and am just going to leave them here:
human nature to push the boundary
it might be messed up - if you hear that voice
fight the derp!!
where is the failure point The failure point is my derping, my freezing, my unwillingness to be present, my emotional triggers, my lack of knowledge, my lack of willing to try, my lack of belief in myself. the more we do something, the more we can get results and the more we will believe in ourselves
i am the cause
stop the derping
dont waste time, dont waste a second
derpderpderp
get out of your realization you are in a derp state
garbage, crappy food, distractions
you get what you are, not what you want I have been exploring and so I got that but I will eventually need to start producing but I am still trying to work on a few things first
executers can do well
proactive control of my life
not stay in autopilot or path of least resistance
dont go into trance yes I need to get my focus stronger. I think I let my attention span drop. Need sunlight in room, eat vegetables, exercise. one issue is that I am at risk of burning out if I go too too hard so I don't fully think the advice would totally work but it can still be tried
derper, executer, transcendent
break out of autopilot trance, out of derping, out of numbness, out of the system you are
surrounded by, being numb is not fun, it is relief and coping - meditation can help,
saying NO to the system that is designed to keep you in the derp state
do something heroic if you had lots of money
any failure you have is not your fault
wake up out of derp state and become executer
more about self soothing than about stepping up and getting the results
just wont do it
you know what you need to do but you wont do it
maybe because we didnt get to execute in school. we just sat there
fight the derp with great passion; derping will destroy your life
gratitude in life which is what they focus onwanting to be numb, on autopilot
poor nutrition, poor sleep, too much junk media, attention depleted
degenerative role models
look someone in the eye, present in the moment, in the set I need to really work on this. My eye contact has definitely been wandering
think as little as possible
be on autopilot
numbness, get high, tv, video games
it hurts them to think - thinking creates cortisol, we stack them and it burns us out and
makes us feel tired
do a lot of if, then statements in your brain
people want to stay away from thinking
successful people think they are dumb, broke people think they are smart
will show tribal affiliation even though they know it is wrong
not afraid of the cortisol, it is okay to have that in my brain
skepticism is a good thing, use your brain
make a conscious effort to assert yourself hmmm I guess speak your mind and stand up for yourself, do what you think, listen, be present, try
double and triple check to see if you are tricking yourself. write everything down I think there will be different ways to do this and I need to explore it some more **************** one method is to see your perspective, see theirs, ask others, try to get lots of perspectives and angles because you may no be thinking about something. i think also just having unawareness - but that will also come with experience. i guess doing self checks to ask ourselves - how do I feel about this? and pay attention to that
do things outside your comfort zone
what else? could i be doing with my time
avg person has no clue of the opportunity cost they are burning like when they are wasting time doing things that do not add to their growth
get to the crux of what the value is. they dont mess around. do not waste time/thinking/actions
understand where the value is and go for it. the value is where we think we need to go, where we think potential is
complaining/gossiping/victim mode, getting numb. path of least resistance. burn your time energy focus emotionalcomplaining and talking crap and feeding yourself negative energy. I was definitely derping with all the complaining but I was trying to figure something out though so it may have been okay
using that to burn their time down so they cant accomplish anythinggo right to best books, teachers, thoughts hence my use of actualized.org... I totally cut out all tv, reddit as that was a waste of time
what else???
audit of what can go wrong and prepare for it
Well that was cool.
Another thing that he mentioned was when people don't get all of the information and you have to have them repeat it back to you. I used to be very guilty of this where someone would be talking to me and I would not think to be like, hey can you repeat that, and I would miss so much of the information and my face was basically deceptive because I was looking at them but I was not taking it in. It can feel like, oh this is embarrassing, I don't want to have to stop you, do I look dumb, etc. However, we could look more dumb for not knowing anything they are saying and then having nothing to respond with than we would just being upfront and saying, hey I dozed off for a moment, can you say that again, or hey I didn't get that part, what?
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@Migue Lonas Wow this is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much! I have been freezing during conversation and I think it was the derping. This was helpful. Need to get out of the derp mode!
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How to figure out if you are the problem:
Notice what you are doing. Get feedback from MULTIPLE DIFFERENT PEOPLE from different times of your life. If there are multiple people from different times of your life that can confirm that yes you do do xyz or did do xyz then YES you have something that needs fixing.
It can be hard if you don't have that or if people are not honest with you.
Again that is just one method and I tried that one yesterday.
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I think I need to come up with a better middle ground of assuming I am wrong and they are right and trying harder to see their side - like I can already see my side so why can't I just try to see theirs. But again, I tend to reject other's views A LOT.
I think this is a hard thing for quite a bit of people. But me especially.
I am really really slow to see the other person's perspective. It doesn't come easily. Like maybe I had to see mine for self love or something and just got used to that but at some point it hurts you and the other person to not see theirs too.
I feel like the damage I caused yesterday - I am not sure if it is irreversible - again is that thought overreacting or is that just right? I don't know. I guess as there are 1's and 0's, there is on and off and I am either great or horrible...?
I think again the fluoride caused some damage. I was thinking about people's eyes and was wondering that it is not if they are sad or not but rather if there are toxins in their body.... I guess I am not sure how toxins would show up in the eyes but it was just a hunch. If so many people are using fluoride toothpaste and are super depressed/bipolar/anxious - I wonder how much of that is literally just the toothpaste.... That would be really sad.
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I feel like one of my problems is I overreact to stuff. But I have a hard time telling how much I am supposed to be reacting.
I feel like I over-react and then I dismiss it and then I am unsure of where I should land on the spectrum...
I think one thing though is that you kinda have to flow through stuff to figure it out and sometimes flowing means overreacting in order to consider all of these different variables and possibilities and when you have done that, you start to feel calmer and start to dismiss what you were feeling earlier and being like - oh wow I didn't have to be like that - but then it is like, well if I wasn't like that, then how would I have been?
I feel like I am a light switch that is either on or off - overreacting or dismissing. I either reject stuff or I go in fully. I don't have a good middle ground.
I guess that would come with more practice and experience. I guess it is also hard to tell what the problem is - like is it me, is it the other person, is it out of our/my/your control, what is it, do we want to fix it, why/why not.
I feel the huge need to fix stuff - but ONLY SOMETIMES though. I don't always have that need.
Like okay how do I know whether to believe you or to believe me? I guess one thing that messed me up was I started to associate my dad as someone to just ignore - he criticized/shamed/picked on so much that I was just like - oh I will ignore that. But that was a bad idea to just full blanket ignore because then I would do that to OTHER PEOPLE TOO and then I am thinking, I can't believe them, I can only believe me.
But then if it REALLY IS me and I am NOT DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO because I am so busy THINKING THAT IT IS YOU, then s*** I really put both me and you in a pickle and it really is all my fault. But is it all my fault or is it your fault too? Or did I start it and then you added to it? Or what?
I just don't like it when stuff is not resolved. I kinda selected at leaving it unresolved with one peer, but I really really don't want to leave it unresolved with another. I really don't like that.
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Well I guess I have to add - like Civil Engineering is really really really really really broad and the school classes just can't or don't cover everything. Also the work can be so different from one project to another. School really just focuses on theory but that is maybe like 0.5% -5% of info for the job. Basically in that career, you learn basically everything from your peers at work so if your workplace is toxic, your boss is scary, your boss is an a******, or whatever - it is not the best learning environment. But I had no idea about any of that beforehand.
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I feel like college/university is kinda a huge scam/waste of time. Like - you have to pay ALL OF THIS MONEY to take the classes that the university wants you to take and you may even have to pay for APARTMENT/FOOD/PARKING whatever... when like - okay get real here - we pick what we are interested in looking at and a lot of the stuff in school we may gloss over and totally FORGET. We memorize it for the test, take the test, and then it is over. It IS NOT PRAGMATIC OR PRACTICAL AT ALL. For CIVIL ENGINEERING - SCHOOL WAS B.S. LIKE people go into the job with the college degree and you already know that they literally know absolutely nothing about the job. You have to teach the new hires EVERYTHING. Poor things - they end up feeling super stupid - well I did - because you don't know that college doesn't teach you s*** and so your boss/coworkers have to teach you and you don't know that that is INDUSTRY STANDARD/NORMAL and so you feel like a s*** for asking questions and don't want to but you look like a s*** for NOT asking questions but you didn't KNOW THAT!
yeah it is weird. And we don't even know if we are going to like it either. So again - I don't really want to go give the school fairy thousands and thousands of dollars to tell me stuff and then just forget it and then have to figure it out when I get to the job. IDK other majors could be different. Civil Engineering - everything was forgotten. Maybe that was a sign it was not for me though too so you could technically disregard quite a bit of what I said but I think some of it will still stand.
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Ah I don't know. Um meh. I don't really want to go back to college/university... if I don't have to.
Ugh I am still really unsure..
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Filmmaker burnout:
https://filmindustry.network/7-things-make-good-filmmakers-quit/31185
Ah yeah.. I can see I wouldn't want to necessarily be doing the same film for months on end...
Also the whole having to keep up with actors, casting directors, etc. - I wouldn't want to mess with that.........
https://www.looper.com/157171/directors-who-quit-before-the-movie-was-finished/
"About a year later, Wright was out the door, replaced by Peyton Reed. Wright cited the classic "creative differences," and it wasn't until a few years after Ant-Man was released that the filmmaker elaborated on his exit."
"Wright is used to being in total control of his films, which didn't totally gel with Marvel's methods. When asked about the behind-the-scenes drama, Wright told Variety's "Playback" podcast, "The most diplomatic answer is I wanted to make a Marvel movie, but I don't think they really wanted to make an Edgar Wright movie....I was the writer-director on it, and then they wanted to do a draft without me, and having written all my other movies, that's a tough thing to move forward."
"Many saw the potential in Ward's take, but Sigourney Weaver and the producers at Fox didn't like the script. According to Den of Geek, the Hollywood suits were especially troubled by the whole wooden planet angle. But Ward refused to change the film, so he quit instead."
"Miller reportedly clashed with Reynolds over the creative direction of Deadpool 2 and some key casting decisions. When executives sided with Reynolds, Miller decided to walk."
"Boyle has opened up about why he quit the film in the months after his split, and this time, it's a bit more in-depth than the catch-all "creative differences." "Apparently, disagreements sprang up over a partnership Boyle has kept since his work on Shallow Grave." "I work in partnership with writers and I am not prepared to break it up....We were working very, very well, but they didn't want to go down that route with us. So we decided to part company."
"At the time of her departure, everybody cited "creative differences" as the reason she left the project."
Man it seems like just about all of these directors quit because of creative differences. I can totally see how we each have our own vision for how we want something and if we don't get enough of that, we can feel like - well it is not going how I want so I am out of here. That is another reason why working for a company is so hard because there will be so many different views and if you are not at the top, yours will most likely not matter/get utilized. I can see it is easier if you are with a smaller crew - heck my Film Study class in high school had just 4 of us doing the filming and acting and we argued! Only 4 people! Everyone wants to have their own input.
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https://www.edmprod.com/why-most-music-producers-give-up/
That is a really good point. To just make a deadline and finish it by then. I guess maybe I need to do that... I feel like maybe music is different though and better for deadlines because you can keep on refining it and refining it; same with art pieces. With writing.. umm well I guess it could be similar but it could also not. Good point though for both MUSIC and ART - HAVE A DEADLINE cuz that gets you to work till that point and then stop and not just keep going forever. That helped with my watercolor when I did that.
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https://www.edmprod.com/why-most-music-producers-give-up/
"In fact, finishing music can make you increase the number of hours you put in, over time. It’s a feedback loop that benefits itself.
And don’t worry – you don’t have to sacrifice your high standards as a result. You actually achieve your standards faster by making such a large amount of music."
These are some really good points... I totally agree - the more we finish something or do something, the more happy we are to do it again and better the next time and faster too - MAYBE THAT IS ONE OF my PROBLEMS! I have been rejecting SO MANY things and dragging my feet that I am not getting that feedback loop anymore.
"By focusing on finishing music, quality starts to come through quantity." YEP
"I kid you not, finished tracks are the result that inspires you to keep pushing forward even when you don’t feel like it." YEAH
"be patient
find constant inspiration
rest
simplify your goals" YE
"It’s important to enjoy the process, but the process itself should result in an outcome. Because outcomes drive the process forward – it’s hard to enjoy something when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel."
'it all comes down to enjoying the process."
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBLdQ1a4-JI
Haha I don't know why but this is funny. I typed in "ahhhh music"
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The bad part about careers is that people feel stuck doing one thing and aren't able to explore other things. Look at the people who did all these different types of crafts and not just one? That seems more fun I feel like.
These are cool though...
https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Art-David-Carrier/dp/0714865672
https://mymodernmet.com/ocean-resin-wood-art/
Ah I love looking at this stuff. It's WILD.
https://www.scoopwhoop.com/Strangest-houses-from-around-the-world/
I think the way our environment is shapes us - and when our homes all look the same - meh IDK it would be cool to have some funky rooms like this...
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It is between -5 and 5 degrees outside (if that gives you any hint...) Yay!!! or not haha
Umm wow it kinda seems like I would have hated like 99% of careers... so maybe I don't have to be so hard on myself about Civil Engineering.
or it seems like the ones I was suggested are really bad fits. I am not sure how so many people are able to do their jobs!!! I feel like the corporate business environment is THE WORST. I liked remote better but still it was corporate and so it was A BIT BETTER but STILL BAD.
Yay.
in Self-Actualization Journals
Posted
Ah sometimes I find a movie that I was looking for but then there are some others that look cool too and I am like, I want to watch all of these!! ...but there is only time for one.. so have to stay focused on the one I was going in there for!! ..but it can be cool to mess around and look at new things though too.
The adaptability of going with one way and then switching and then adapting and then adapting and then adapting. We want flow state but sometimes we want to break the flow state too...
It's like, what is it that makes this look so tempting to watch!??? Because it looks new and mysterious or what?