PepperBlossoms

I would take shrooms to see if I can get any insights into me (and/or my environment) creating and manifesting the illness or anything I can control/work on or if it is fully chemical/biological and out of my control. I would want to see how much is in my control and that I can eliminate/change if any. (I am not an expert in mental illness though and so I cannot vouch for if taking a mind altering substance would make one's situation worse...) I would study epistemology and surround myself with people who have a huge variety of perspectives. I would try to get more understanding of things. I would read a lot of clinical psychology books. I would study how other cultures think of and deal with the situation.

Curiosity and exploration (yeah the problem is that one seems to hit lots of walls; the futility of seeking for something one may never feel complete/finished with so maybe its not the best but meh) Curiosity is my current "medication" for life.

Some people have been very successful at starting their own enterprise based on a lie so lying does seem to work for some but I haven't done it myself so I cannot vouch for that. It is definitely a way to get one's foot in the door, if able to be put into action. There could be issues with having to keep up with the lies and not knowing how to do what you say you can do and feeling bad for lying. It could also impact future jobs in some way (either yay for getting more work or boo for getting caught lying and having to deal with the repercussions). If the company is firing your partner for her nationality, it was probably not a good company to stay at anyway with that type of thinking. Do what you feel the most comfortable doing. I am sorry all of this is happening. All of the professional places I have worked at were horribly toxic and so I am fully aware of how hard it is on one's mental health to work in that type of setting. It is hard because they may pay more and so one may have to work less years and feel more comfortable but one may have immense mental distress working there and then comes the question, is it worth it and do I want to live like this? (But I also don't want to be making so little that I have mental distress from not having enough...) The whole money-economy-survival thing is a mess it seems. By the exploitative nature of survival, I feel like the toxicity is somewhat inevitable. We had a mayor that lied about his credentials and it made big news and has maybe hurt him and he would have been better off just being honest about it. I would suggest going the honest route to be safe but that is what I would want to do but I am also not you. Talk to some mobsters and they may have better advice if that is the route you want to take ha.

I was thinking some more about how I feel like an asshole when I open my mouth. I remembered the phrase "if something is important, it is better to do it badly than not do it at all". Well maybe that applies to speaking too. Maybe when we have something that needs to be said, it is better to say it even if it comes out rude and tactless than it is to not say it at all. The thing is is that saying hard things is hard and if we don't have any practice doing it, we may feel like it is horrible. I guess when you are not really encouraged to speak your mind growing up and when you are in an environment where there is a domination of shame of anything that the authoritarian disagrees with, you don't get practice having hard conversations because you just don't do them at all. You just keep your mouth shut. So this is something I am just not practiced in. But me speaking my mind reminds me of some people and I feel like I don't like it when they speak their mind with the same energy that I am currently using BUTTTT maybe there is a subconscious jealousy/envy because they would let themselves be who they are freely and I would not. I would suppress and stay quiet. Maybe I was jealous of their ability to say what they want and not really care what the other person thinks. So even though it feels tough, maybe I need to stick with it some more. I guess another thing is that I feel like the most of an asshole when I do it around religious people. I feel like they are the most closed-minded and one would have to have the most tact and walk in the most tip-toeing way around them and I am just not always able to do it. I guess it reminds me of how the guy who spoke out first against Bill Cosby would just start talking about it and not apologize or take it back, according to my peer.

umm I had just noted in the support group tonight how I felt like an asshole when I would open my mouth. I felt like the way I was expressing myself was like my parents. Um I am not sure if it is just in my head or not. It is like I am excited to share my ideas but then I wonder if I am using the wrong tone/energy or am not using proper tactfulness. Some other notes. Identify what we don't want to do. Ask ourselves what we want to feel. One can try laughter therapy when one is sad. Creativity can be linked to neuroticism. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. If you don't try, you never know if you are going to be good at it. I feel like my feelings of being an asshole are like - I am speaking freely but am I coming off as arrogant, childish? Kinda like how Trump speaks... I feel like my speaking kinda sounds like that. I am not sure - I will need to find a girl version. I feel like when we are suppressed from speaking and then finally do, it may have a bit of bumps. I could be wrong and that I don't come off as an asshole. I am not sure.

Relationships can be super complicated - like extreme level stuff. Some things that come to mind: Communication, patience, understanding, working together, listening, responding, humor, playfulness, seeking, growth, creativity, inspiration, love, health, sharing insights, honesty Finding someone to grow with and that there may/will be lots of bumps along the way and that we are all flawed and still figuring stuff out I guess also finding someone one feels comfortable around and where the other kinda has similar values and goals (although it may not start off that way but may start to merge into that). The list will depend on the person and what one's needs/values/interests are. Yin to the yang.

Desire: Change Fear: Change Why: unknown, curious, dangerous, potential, inspiring, hopeful, destructive, amazing BUT ALSO Desire: Sameness Fear: Sameness Why: feels known, comfortable, easy, simple, reliable, present, boring, lame, problematic, horrible

One of the things I want to stop doing is being nice for the sake of being nice. I want to break that habit. I feel like I have more respect for people who just are whatever they are rather than this niceness. I have many peers who are nice for the sake of being nice and I really don't like it. It reminds me too much of stage blue and it doesn't really do much and creates this weird environment where you feel like, okay do we have to be constrained now because we are just going to focus on being nice? I want to be free and going into niceness creates a trap. The person who just is may have more respect than the one who is nothing but nice. I don't know how to explain it. But I also don't like the arrogant meanness either, which reminds me of stage red, orange, and green. (Maybe red, orange, and green let themselves be free in terms of expressing emotions but it does so in kinda a toxic way sometimes. Red is like the child that gets angry internally and externally whenever it doesn't get what it wants. Blue is about emotional suppression and doesn't do it at all externally or internally (it is unaware that it is suppressing or that it is suppressed). Orange may still have suppression externally but internally, it may be toxic with its thinking. Then you get to green and the emotions don't get suppressed anymore but this time are toxic in terms of wanting what is right for the community instead of toxic like red where it is right for the individual. Then we go to yellow where we learn how to express all the emotions internally and externally in a healthy way and better understand them and all the feelings and why they are (clinical psychology). So if there is some middle ground to that in stage yellow.. Where one can go from one emotion to another based on whatever is needed/appropriate. I was thinking about stage turquoise, if that even is a stage. It is more a play on reality and exploring different perspectives, beings, ideas about how reality is, what reality is. That could be considered stage yellow still but I guess the difference is that this tries to go meta of the typical experience. It is going to have and promote the most altered states of consciousness. One of the best ways to exercise I am finding is dancing to music haha. It doesn't mess up your joints and helps you work through the kinks and get your body in a state of flow. If your stomach/hips are having problems, which mine have been, it seems great for targeting that.

Hey @Preety_India !! Two books that I have been reading that are helping me tremendously and may help you too: Complex PTSD, Pete Walker: https://blobby.wsimg.com/go/a7124a00-f63c-4010-bbdc-5020f1cf45aa/Complex PTSD_ From Surviving to Thriving ( PDF.pdf (Talks about how poor parenting can impact our development and our coping mechanisms and some suggestions for dealing with that) Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw: https://creativegrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bradshaw_shame-1.pdf (Talks about the various ways we are shamed by our family/society and how that impacts us) Sending hugs.

I realized... Creating shame; toxic, tyrannical, authoritarian; limited resources; my way or the highway; needy; impusive; reactive (RED) president, teacher, police, parent (for power) Pre-politics - religious, good girl/boy, adhere to rules; living in shame and repression; does not seek other than what it is told to seek; insecurity; low self esteem; co-dependency; only shows happy/positive/compliant emotions; dissociate (Blue) Theology, police, military (for safety, devotion); teacher/counselor (teaching rules to live by) political RIGHT - cares about job security, cares about fame, cares about money for self; uses money for cars, homes, boats, expensive sports, clothes, education; COMPETITION, FAME, WINNING; seeking abundance, wants more for self; narcissist; boundaries; (Orange). doctor, lawyer, dentist, scientist/professor/porn/acting (for reputation/money) political LEFT - cares about security of community - food, mental/physical health, shelter, education, EQUALITY, SUSTAINABILITY; seeking abundance for community; empathy; understanding, listening; supportive (Green) environmental justice, law reform, (doctor/lawyer/therapist for health); scientist/professor (for fixing things) BUT then it starts to get fuzzy... then there is the care for exploration, curiosity - books, music, writing, film, art, religion/spirituality, psychology, video games (for beauty/exploration/just because) - (THAT is stage yellow.).. it kinda quits caring about jobs and looking the best; it quits caring about saving the world so much; it cares more about just exploring and enjoying the moment/the day; does not seek abundance; seeks curiosity/beauty/wonder; seeking; questioning; unsure; may do more things for self healing and also have impact on community healing. I am predicting that when the world is more stage yellow dominant, the need for creative outlets and creative doings will be very, very great. The creative atmosphere is somewhat a mess where creatives are not guaranteed income or may get paid very little or their work can be obtained for free on the internet. Either creatives will need to start getting paid MORE or everything else will need to start costing less or nothing to balance it out. It kinda isn't fair for the creatives to have their work get downloaded illegally for free whereas stuff like food and medical care still costs LOTS of money. A stage yellow society will have to address that. People will care less about working a 40 hour job and will want much more say in how their day goes. People will not want to work for large corporations anymore I am assuming. The lifestyle will be much more preferred to do your own thing. Will there be a way to make this sustainable? Sure poverty, hunger, homelessness, mental health, physical health, war, etc. will need to be addressed as well. ..... However, one could do a profession at any of the spiral dynamics stages. However, their reasoning for doing it will be different as the values, awareness, and goals will be different

Write down what you want. Then write down what order that has to happen in - like what has to be done before what. Can also write down a list of options in one direction and a list of values in the other direction and then score each one and see what comes up with the highest score. Can also ask yourself, what is the thing I want to be doing the most? What do I want to do with this temporary life and what is going to make that happen? What is the most important thing for me to do/focus on right now? How does this feel? If it feels bad, why am I still doing it or why does it feel that way? What feels good? What am I good at? What am I going to feel good about doing 10 years from now that I can do now? What knowledge/skills do I still need? What am I curious about? Who/how do I want to be? What do I want to create? What do I want to leave behind? What inspires/wows me?

I feel like maybe it is because it love is a basic need and also the desire to be with someone is what keeps families together and gets people to reproduce. Also we may feel stronger, safer, and more secure with another person because we can then rely on each other and help each other.

There will also be ESL needs in countries where English is the main language because people will go there who don't really know it and need it. If you know languages other than English, say Spanish, you could be a Spanish teacher in an English speaking country. Elementary and middle schools will need ESL, middle and high schools will have various other languages offered, college will have various languages offered. You can stay in language instruction if you like. Or yeah you can try looking in to other careers and look at job boards to see what is available and also see if you need any training/certifications first or not. Also, there is need for translators for say when a foreigner goes to a country for a while and needs the translator the entire time or at certain times. I was given one when I was in China for a month when I was in this other city away from the rest of the team. Also there is need for translators for youtube videos, books, and film. They translate stuff so that people in other countries can read it too and then they get more views.

You could also look into workaway. It is where you go to another country and stay with someone and can get paid to work there. My friend from Germany and her brother have done it a few times and have gone to South Africa, Norway, and a few places in New Zealand. https://www.workaway.info/

Hey @elizabethh . Here are some ideas for singing: Karaoke - various places have this Buy yourself a microphone and start to record yourself with some software. Start a youtube channel and post yourself singing. Take singing lessons or choir; join a group choir Join a band that needs a vocalist/singer. Here is an example website: https://www.bandmix.com/ Turn on the music in the car while another family member/friend is there and maybe y'all can sing together?? Best of luck!

Use online job search websites and set the criteria for remote work. I'm sorry to hear that you are frozen with the bank system and that your work seems to have dried up. You could try looking for other companies that offer the same thing you were doing but virtually; or just in other places; or you could try something different. All I say is go for what you want to go for and would enjoy doing.

I decided I wanted to try to feel more. I covered my eyes and started with my hands. I realized that I haven't explored my entire body before. The hands had joints as did the feet. The elbows had a joint similar to the knee. There was this rubber outer layer all around. Some areas of the body were warm. I realized I believed everything I was told and that I don't know how I got in this body. I feel like I have landed on a spaceship in a foreign land. I don't know how this body got here. I don't know how this body already has all of these structures. It seems very complex but how am I to know what complex is. I don't recall designing any of the structures but they seem to be already functioning and put together. I realized that I've been told everything about this body and this land but that I don't know if it is true or not. I don't remember how I got here. I feel like the thoughts are coming from the head or above it but I am not sure. I have noticed feelings of feeling cold, my stomach feeling weird, needing to use the bathroom, my teeth feeling like they need to be brushed, needing to drink water, sleepy, various body aches. I am not sure if living and operating with feeling instead of thought is any better than living and operating with thought. I realized that everywhere I go, the perspective will be the same in that it will be coming from this body. I realized I don't have to feel everything with my hands but the hands seem to add more information. I can also notice certain parts of the body and flex and pay attention to those. I realized that the feet and legs seem very far away from everything else. Even the stomach seems far away. I realized everything we are taught in school is with words, thoughts. Everything that is said at the therapist is with words, thoughts. We are trained to live in words and thoughts. How we communicate and interact with others is with words, thoughts. If we have school or a job that requires us to wake up early, we may have intense feelings to sleepiness but have to ignore those feelings and they may be very, very strong and they may last all morning. If we are sitting in a desk, we may have feelings of discomfort with our butt and the chair and our back and neck and may have to ignore the discomfort. If we are talking to someone, we may have a different opinion with how one should be, interact, exist, and ignore the discomfort. We may go to the fridge and pull out meat to eat and feel a disgust for the animal and ignore the discomfort. We may have a job interview and be asked questions and put on a face and enthusiasm about the potential job and ignore the discomfort. We may be asked certain questions or be around certain people and ignore the discomfort to continue the interaction. We may hear certain loud noises and ignore the discomfort. We may feel full or have a funny feeling in our stomach and ignore the discomfort, and may so much to where we get obese. We may think, I don't want to read or do this activity, but then ignore the discomfort. We may feel that our clothes are too tight but then ignore the discomfort. We may think, this food is unhealthy, but then eat it and ignore the discomfort. We may think, this person seems egotistical, or this organization seems toxic, but then ignore the discomfort. We may think, this outcome is going to require a whole lot of effort, but then ignore the discomfort. But this is me back in thinking about feeling instead of just feeling. Feeling feels like it is the present moment. Thinking feels detached from the external and is kinda like in another dream somewhere else. I felt other objects in the room and they had their own textures but I was also sad that I had to move this human spaceship body over to it to feel it; that I couldn't just feel it without moving and changing location. I feel like this experience could be similar to the "asleep dream" experience. They both seem mysterious. I cannot tell if I am just bullshitting myself and, oh yes I know how I got here, I was born; i've been in this body for years; pay attention to what the external world told you to think. But yet part of me says, well why did I believe that so much? How is this body already capable of doing so many things? I don't remember designing the joints, the muscle, the skin. I don't remember naming the body parts either - where we could have used any name and split it off at any point. Feeling is just another way to live life similar to seeing or hearing. Why then the focus on feeling? Well I guess I think I pay attention to seeing more than anything. It is an entirely new experience to pay the most attention to feeling.

I feel like maybe I am hard to live with.

I feel like I am almost never in the present moment. I feel like I am always in my thoughts somewhere else. I feel like I don't pay much attention to my body and my surroundings.

I feel like I am very negative. ... I probably don't have to feel or think I am negative but that is what I tend to focus on... maybe.

I feel like watching the news, having the non-stop loud sound of cars on the road, eating too many carbs, and talking to people can make one sick, fearful, and anxious. Think of all the people who live near loud freeways/roadways and can hear it in their backyard or even in their home, all of the people who check the news and get negativity from it, all of the people who have bad eating habits, and all of the people who have toxic interactions. It almost seems easier to live in the middle of nowhere and have your phone turned off and only turn it on once a month to check to see if you got any messages. Part of me wants to go back to the time when the population was smaller and we lived outside. When there were no cars, no airplanes, when your neighbors weren't right on top of you, etc. Life was different then. It was probably easier to get trapped in various things too though and if you were sick, that was really rough. I was complaining about religion on here earlier and how people prevent themselves from having certain emotions or thinking certain things but then I thought about how I have been preventing myself from watching the news and realized that it is kinda the same thing. I overheard maybe the first 3 minutes of a Joe Rogan episode and the other person was talking about war and bombs and that bothered me for quite a while afterwards. I went for a walk and the entire time I could hear the cars and thought, there are too many tourists here now and it is getting to where there will be more and more people and I need to not do this walk anymore because it is hard to find peace when you hear the cars like that. I prefer the ghost town feel. The moment I saw the spring breakers at the grocery store, I was like, ah man here we go. I wished they could leave because I liked it with it being quiet. There is so much we have to shut out in order to be at peace. One can go into depression really quickly and easily. We have to shut out all the animals being killed, all the pets being shamed and trapped, all the bombs and deaths by police and the military, all the toxic food being sold, all the brainwashing religion, all the depressing news, etc. So much to shut out. One basically has to be a hermit and shut off so many things. I had not been looking into the Ukraine-Russia thing at all. Part of me was like, well this is stupid and shouldn't even be happening in the first place and me reading about it isn't going to change anything other than make me sad/depressed/scared/angry and so I completely quit the news and Reddit. I remember I was checking the news constantly about covid and then kinda stopped. I wonder how much better one's life is without the news. My mom sent me a photo of my room and all the wallpaper is gone and part of me is like, well my room will never be the same again. I guess I feel troubled with regards to work. I am finding low consciousness in just about every career and so I am having a hard time imagining what I should do. I know I can't stay at my parents' second home forever and if the sell the other one, I definitely don't want to live with them. Prices of things may go way, way up with inflation and houses are getting more expensive. I am kinda like, the system sucks, money sucks, the government sucks, jobs suck, so many animals and creatures lives suck, etc. Think of all the creatures getting eaten alive right now. Or the dogs getting harassed by their owners. It is again really easy to fall into depression/anxiety/stress. All the more reason to stay away from stuff and limit my input... I guess people who are capable of being in all of it are really, really strong. I think if you look at it everyday, it is not so bad because you are used to it and desensitized to it. If you don't look at it at all and then get a glimpse of it, it is like, well shit, I want to go back to not looking. If I do go back to the book I wrote, well that would be another depressing thing to release into the world. Ah.. I feel like art/music/video games/books/whatever are a great escape from the nightmare of life. I feel like because of the consciousness stuff, I only have a few career options now. Counseling/therapy - however, the concern with this is that all the suggestions I give get shut down and I don't feel like I am contributing and living up to my potential. Teaching - however, the concern is that I am spreading the same information that has been spread for the past 50-100 years and there is nothing new and I am kinda enslaving the students to do whatever I say. Writing - this one has the most potential, in my opinion, to share my perspectives, but at the same time, people can get books online for free and so will I even make ANY money at all... Another one I thought of was to work at a vegan restaurant, if that even exists wherever I am, but also, that is not really taking advantage of any of my strengths either. ............. Umm I guess I feel down because of that podcast about war for the 3 mins and then the sound of the cars which I probably heard for like 1.5 hours.. Uhh it is fairly quiet here in the house so hopefully I can let that "down feeling" dissolve, melt away, and vanish. Ummm hmm well I guess I can get back to reading the Shame book... or do something else.

I think that I react so badly to anything other than a neutral tone of voice because of the religious idea where anything other than a serious or kind/soft/loving emotion is rejected. I think I rejected some music, styles of clothes, personalities, etc. because it was "bad, naughty, rebellious" and that goes against the "good girl" thing. I think I reject insults/criticism/suggestions so much partly because religion was so against that where the only thing allowed was agreement with the religion - I did not know how to handle disagreement. And I still do not know how to forcibly create disagreement. .... One of the secrets to maintaining the safety and security for maslow's hierarchy of needs is to just not watch the news. When you watch the news, you read about all of the lack of safety and security everywhere. In reality, we are never fully safe and secure and are going to die anyway. But IDK bad stuff happens EVERYWHERE; but in some places more than others.

I just wanted to put this here. I think I am still working on... self-actualization - lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts, spontaneity, creativity, morality esteem - related to shame/trauma love/belonging - related to communication, derping safety - employment/money/entrepreneur

Examples of shame: Self shaming/inner critic - you are not good/smart/nice/skilled/experienced enough The perfectionist/showoff who over does everything so much to where everyone else looks bad by comparison - the religious nut, the class nerd who asks all the questions, the class nerd who breaks all the curves - look at how righteous/talented/hot/obedient I am (one can be trying to make a point that the company is toxic and the coworkers just sit and smile) The nitpicky person - you did this, this, this, this wrong. you need to change xyz. abc is not good enough. what were you thinking when you did xyz? constant emails/phone calls about how you need to change and are not okay the way you are. people giving suggestions without one even asking for them healthy shame - okay I see a problem and let me try to fix it. unhealthy shame - this is so bad you are horrible avoidant shame - i am so sorry did I hurt your feelings (all the time for everything). no boundaries. not speaking one's mind. not putting one's foot down. letting oneself get taken advantage of. not listening to one's feelings/emotions/thoughts and just going with what the status quo/authority wants. shame is good in that it gets us to change our behavior to be better suited for us and everyone else. It is bad because it can be very restricting, take away confidence, take away one's ability to stand up for oneself and be free Living life on the wild side; no shame

I've been reading Healing the Shame that Binds You and I feel like it is SO SO SO helpful. I think so many of my problems were shame based. I know this is just one of a billion things but it still is nice to read. Here are some notes. I am reading it backwards. we are told to be emotional, fragile, vulnerable, and men seeking success is not the only thing to chase. we also don't need to chase anything. restlessness and lack of inner peace= overactivism feeling shame for being assertive and voicing our opinion we feel too much shame to go inward; we can change what we are doing but not who we are we tell ourselves that we are hopeless, defective, and a mistake we are conditioned to numb ourselves because to be good, we have to be meek, considerate, unselfish, perfectly law abiding, orderly, obedient. this goes back to the time of kings, non-democratic, master-slave relationships we are not encouraged to have inner freedom, inner independence, spontaneity, vitality we inevitably make mistakes and we feel shameless when we have righteousness and be addicted to that people addicted to religion because it makes them feel righteous and shameless even though the religion is the source for shame departure of the standard "should" is deemed sinful. deemed more important to ACT loving than to BE loving sanctimonious - making a show of being morally superior to others religions either do not allow any emotion at all (rigid, stoic, and severe - that was mine) or they allow emotional outburts but for a short period of time and only some emotions but not others