PepperBlossoms

I am not sure if the free online group therapy meetings are a waste of time or not. It is definitely helpful to get a comparison of other people to myself to see how different we are and kinda where I am in context to them. After hearing about other people's lives, I kinda feel empowered that things are okay, that I am not in as bad of a situation as I thought. But yes the website is for mental health and everyone is struggling and I was severely struggling the last month and kinda feel like I just got out of it and so if it was say a week or more ago, I would have been one of the struggling ones needing to talk the entire time. I guess getting the context of hearing other people's stories seems like it can be helpful. But then at the same time, I am not doing other stuff when I am doing that. But like I said before, new stuff leads to more new stuff and this itself is a new experience as I had never gone to an online virtual support group before. It would be cool if actualized had that but I think the intent is to keep it as a forum so people can reply whenever.

I think one part about anxiety is how convince ourselves that we are hopeless and don't have any power. We put too much power into other people and relying on them. We tell ourselves, I can't do it. We do too much self soothing and not enough of just doing what we need to do. We have to learn to be strong. One issue is how people can't necessarily rely on their family for anything because the family was the cause of the pain/trauma and so they are having to make others their family.

A few more thoughts about the stuff from yesterday - I think a big part of procrastination is flow state and how whatever it is we had to do, we had to break flow state to get there and breaking flow state can be hard. But we are basically prioritizing one state over another when they could both be just as good. Also, the flow state could be harder/unusual from what we are used to. Regarding speaking - I feel like stuff comes out of my mouth that is mean. I feel like I am just trying to be funny or I am feeling insecure and then within an instant I have said/written something that I totally regret but it is too late and I am like, oh nooo why did that come out of my mouth or why did I type that? Either A I shouldn't care what others think or B I am doing it because one of my peers did it and I have been influenced or C some other reason. I just realized that this website is kinda like a free online support group in a way. I had never thought about it being like that before. Regarding punctuation - I told myself I had to look at all the commas, semicolons, colons, apostrophes, etc. by Monday of next week.

This would be great. I think sometimes boundaries do have to be dropped, sometimes we are the needy desperate one, and sometimes interest is shown and sometimes it is not. I think sometimes we do have to be an asshole, sometimes we don't have a purpose, sometimes we have too many insecurities, sometimes we are better at hunting, and sometimes we are better at loving. Sometimes we are wishy washy because stuff changes all the time. I guess I am just trying to be more realistic here but yet I don't know everything and maybe there is a relationship that can be closer to utopian but also it can be helpful to be flexible. I am not perfect and I don't expect my partner to be but yeah there will be things that will be more preferable than others. I guess I am the definition of what not to go for ha. I would like to be able to do/have all of the above but I guess I just see that I am not sure if it is 100% possible - but maybe it is!

One of my concerns with writing - people can just find your work and download it for free and so you won't get paid for it. Also, if you write stuff for film, a company could read your work, use the idea as something similar, and you don't get credit. Another concern, with the way views are - it may be that your book shows up very, very deep in the search results and that stores do not want to show it. Another concern - so many people are wanting to write and publish, as I have learned from tonight's support group.... You have gotten several books for free. A concern with therapy - people can just do it virtually in a free group and again, you wouldn't get paid. You attended 2 groups for free. Uh well these are both concerns when it comes to work. .... With regards to procrastination - there is some sort of barrier to going at it whether that be - we don't have the info, we are too lazy, we don't feel like it, it requires effort, it requires a change in flow state, it requires a change in habit/focus

Here is one on commas: https://www.iue.edu/student-success/coursework/commas.html .... Notes from support groups: It is all about progress, not perfection. Some self healing methods: nap, food, exercise, this meeting You choose who your family is Your habits can impact you but you can change them Sometimes you have to be the bad guy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqYC3jRdXaQ papa pal: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.joinpapa.papapal&hl=en_US&gl=US https://www.papa.com/about-papa-team petstogether.org https://paintedbrain.org/free-groups-online https://bluepeersupport.com/2021/10/12/onlinesupportgroups/ https://bluepeersupport.com/ https://bluepeersupport.com/2022/03/12/procrastination-resources/ Question why we procrastinate ah my voice says things that I feel like are hurtful they just come out without thinking supportgroupscentral.com - This website has some great free online support groups.

@Philipp Well said. I didn't cope with it and left... The nice thing is that corporate will probably always be there so you could dry doing your own thing and if that fails, you can always go back to some form of it. (Or so I assume). But yeah I agree - every company I have ever worked for has been toxic and there was for me a direct correlation with the higher the pay, the higher the toxicity... so if it is too toxic, you could try to go to a lower paying place/career. But then that is problematic too because then you are having to work for less so ahh. At the end of life, it won't matter how much money we have or what we accomplished because we will die anyway so there is that too. Also, I know this sounds bad but also, the Earth isn't going to be livable forever anyway and you aren't going to be here forever in your form anyway... like I had that epiphany and I quit worrying about the environment... but also I saw what my job was doing to the environment and non-human life and left the career because of it so meh. Also I watched some videos about CO2 with conflicting perspectives so I don't know what to think on that either but that helped too. I kinda quit caring about a lot of the stuff spiral dynamics stage green cares about and it is kinda nice to not have to get upset over that anymore. I feel like I kinda had to go back to stage orange though because now I am having to figure out the survival money thing again without the aid of working for a company.

You may get the benefit of being liked and surrounded by other introverts and may have less drama/noise because of that. You may have more insightful conversations You may be more observant You may be less bothersome/annoying If you are an introvert, you may not even care about climbing a job ladder as you may prefer to be alone anyway and hence may be more likely to try to do your own thing instead of work for a company You may be more humble and authentic

To summarize again what I just read, John said, "Will you eat?" John said that he was going to get the "purple and pink pasta." "I am here," John said. Harry Potter is a great book. "The Stone" is the chapter about the rock. What were you thinking when you said "I like pasta"? The "cool" kids don't talk to me. She wears the costume "from the 1980's of yesterday"; we don't talk about it. .... I need to study some other punctuation now... basically all of them: ":;,-

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/quotation-marks/ I need to read this....... Okay GO.. My comments in italics.. "GRAMMAR We use quotation marks with direct quotes, with titles of certain works, to imply alternate meanings, and to write words as words. Block quotations are not set off with quotation marks. The quoted text is capitalized if you’re quoting a complete sentence and not capitalized if you’re quoting a fragment. Commas and periods always go inside the quotation marks in American English; dashes, colons, and semicolons almost always go outside the quotation marks; question marks and exclamation marks sometimes go inside, sometimes stay outside. When to use quotation marks Quotation marks are for when you want to use someone else’s words in your writing. Let’s say you want to write about something you heard your friend say. You could do it like this: John said, “I really hate when it’s hot outside.” Note the comma after John said You can write about the same thing without using the quotation marks, with a couple of changes: John said he hated when it was hot outside. The first sentence contains a direct quote, a quote in which you report the exact words John used. The second sentence contains an indirect quote, which is a paraphrased version of what John said. Quotation marks are used only with direct quotes. This rule isn’t just for speech. If you’re quoting a written source, you should still put the quote between quotation marks unless you plan to paraphrase it. Run-in and block quotations Direct quotations come in two different forms: run-in and block. Run-in quotations are shorter and they are formatted the same as the surrounding text. Block quotes are long quotes that are separated from the surrounding text. Usually, they appear as a separate paragraph (or series of paragraphs) with a different font, a change in the line spacing, or a wider margin. In any case, block quotes don’t need quotation marks to set them off from the remaining text, even though they are direct quotes. Wow interesting the block quote doesn't need quotes. I guess because you are already making it look different and it is assumed it was not your words by how you are formatting it. And in case you’re wondering just how long a quote needs to get for it to be a block quote, it varies from one style guide to another. If you have to follow a style guide, you should check it for best practices. If you don’t have to follow a style guide, set your own rule (like five lines of text makes a block quotation), and stick to it. Interesting. So I could say, meh, I will use anything 1 line or more has to be in block. Quotation mark rules The first rule of using quotations is that once they’re opened, they have to be closed. The person reading your work needs to know where the quote starts and where it ends. But that’s an easy one. What about some trickier quotation mark rules? Quotations and capitalization Sometimes, the text inside quotation marks is capitalized, other times it isn’t. Capitalization of the quoted material depends on the material itself—if you’re quoting a complete sentence, you should start the quote with a capital letter, even if the quote is placed in the middle of a sentence: The exact phrase she used was “There is no way we will get there in time.” If you’re quoting a phrase or a part of a sentence, don’t start the quote with a capital letter: He called them “loud, smelly, and utterly annoying,” and he closed the door. I need to study commas next because I don't quite understand the comma usage after the word annoying. To me, that comma is not supposed to be there but I could be wrong. If you’re splitting a quote in half to interject a parenthetical, you should not capitalize the second part of the quote: “The problem with opinions,” Paula explained, “is that everyone has one.” I guess because yes you are saying the entire quote but the second part is a fragment of the whole thing. Quotation marks and other punctuation marks Does punctuation go inside or outside quotation marks? This question mostly refers to the sentence-ending punctuation marks—punctuation marks that introduce a quote are never placed within quotation marks. Sentence-ending punctuation is a whole different story. In the United States, the rule of thumb is that commas and periods always go inside the quotation marks, and colons and semicolons (dashes as well) go outside: “There was a storm last night,” Paul said. COMMA ON INSIDE Peter, however, didn’t believe him. “I’m not sure that’s exactly what happened.” PERIOD ON INSIDE Peter was aware of what he called “Paul’s weakness triangle”: he was half deaf, slept like a log, and was prone to lying. COLON ON OUTSIDE Paul saw an argument coming, so he muttered only “But I saw it”; this was going to be a long night and he didn’t want to start it with a fight. SEMICOLON ON OUTSIDE Question marks and exclamation points have their own rules. If they apply to the quoted material, they go within the quotation marks. If they apply to the whole sentence, they go outside it: Sandy asked them, “Why do you guys always fight?” Did the dog bark every time he heard Sandy say “I’m bringing dinner”? Because the question overrules the statement. Quotes within quotes So now you know how to deal with quotation marks and punctuation and capitalization, but what if the quote you want to take already contains quotation marks? This can happen, too. Say you want to write a direct quote in which someone is praising their favorite chapter from one of the Harry Potter books. Would you do it like this? ““The Dementor’s Kiss” is my favorite chapter in the whole series,” Tom said. It doesn’t work, does it? You might even manage to confuse your word processing program. But if you do it like this, everything will look much better: “‘The Dementor’s Kiss’ is my favorite chapter in the whole series,” Tom said. Or they could have used italics but I guess because it is a chapter it has to have the single quote.. See how that worked better? We use single quotation marks for quotes within quotes. Other uses of quotation marks: titles of short works, words as words, scare quotes Besides setting off other people’s words, quotation marks have a couple of other uses. Depending on the style guide you’re using, you might use quotation marks to emphasize titles of all types of compositions (AP Stylebook), or just short compositions (most of the other style guides). Titles of books, albums, magazines, newspapers, and other standalone and bigger bodies of work are usually italicized. Poems, chapters, articles—smaller bodies of work, or bodies of work which form a larger body of work—are emphasized by using quotation marks. Interesting... the books are italicized and smaller work are quotation marked... ahh I feel like I am going to mess stuff up but meh You can also use quotation marks to signify words used as words. For example: “inhale” means to take a breath. The quotation marks show that you’re talking about the word itself, not the action of inhaling. However, you’ll often hear that it’s better to italicize words used as words rather than put them in quotation marks—different style guides might prescribe different rules. I agree - I would either use quotes or italics or nothing Some writers put quotes around words they want to distance themselves from. Quotation marks used this way are commonly called scare quotes or shudder quotes. It’s a way of implying that you’re using a term in an unusual way or that you don’t necessarily approve of it: This article was written by a “professional” writer. Yeah haha I use the double quotation mark thing like this. Scare quotes are sort of like air quotes, and if you know anything about air quotes, you know that they should be used in moderation. The same applies to scare quotes. You might see quotation marks used instead of parentheses for translations. So you can write translations like this: She told him bonjour (good day) when they met. Note how there is no comma here because it is assumed there is no pause for that - kinda like casper (a ghost). But you can also do it like this: She told him bonjour, “good day,” when they met. Note how the final comma is still within the quotations. Also note that good day had a comma before and after because it is said like a pause. Single quotation marks We’ve already mentioned that single quotation marks can be used for quotes within quotes. But that’s not all they can do—they can also be used instead of parentheses for translations, but in that case, they don’t have to be separated by commas: She told him bonjour ‘good day’ when they met. WHATTT.... ahh there are so many rules!!! Like pick one.. like okay so you can do 1() 2'' or 3,","....... ahhh I don't think I have ever used single quotation marks before. Highly specialized terms in certain fields can also be written within single quotation marks: Many scholars still argue about Lacan’s ‘desire’ and its implications. I feel like in the case used here, I would often use the double not the single quotation marks.... but if that is how it is 'supposed' to be done... (like I would have put "supposed" to be done.... instead of 'supposed' but if the single is the right way.. then I guess I need to do it like that.) You can also see single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks in headlines of newspaper articles. And of course, all of these rules apply to American English—single vs. double quotation marks is a whole different story in British English." Ah well there you go - like what country are you in....... maybe I adopted some British English standards haha I think I have an immense hatred for memorization. Anytime something starts to hint at having to be memorized, I start to drag my feet. Maybe that is why my vocabulary is so bad- because I saw those as memorization. I need to just get going faster. I will highlight the stuff I have already done in a certain color so I can keep track of my progress. I will keep on doing this until the :30 mark on the clock. ... Well I didn't keep going. I quit. Part of me is like, ah man I wish I was a guy. Maybe I would be smarter. I think girls and guys are smarter in different ways but also every person will be smarter in different ways from every other person. Like okay lets be real here - If Leo was a girl, like Lea, would there be as many people on actualized right now? Google - started by Larry and Sergey; Amazon - Jeff; Microsoft - Bill and Paul; Visa - Dee; Youtube - Jawed, Steve, and Chad; the Internet - Bob and Vint; the dictionary - Samuel; LIKE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IS A GUY. A MALE!! In history and science class, we spend most of our childhood learning about MEN. Every single president of the United States has been a MALE. LIKE WTF. What is wrong with the girls? But, it could be that guys are more corrupt too... Tyson - John; Valero - Bill; Shell - Hugo; Dooney & Bourke - Peter and Frederick; Abercrombie & Fitch - David and Ezra; Pizza Hut - Dan and Frank; Starbucks - Gordon, Zev, and Jerry; Revlon - Charles; Dove - Lever Brothers; Sunkist - Edward and P.J.; Hersheys - Milton AGAIN - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE IS A GUY................ If you have anything to blame about how the world is, I guess blame men because they started everything... but the women birthed them so it is their fault for birthing a boy. okay I need to stop with the gender stuff. I didn't pick my gender and neither did anyone else. It is just kinda sad at how women don't have the same track record as men do. But maybe we have different interests and aren't interested in the things that are required for one to build a big business. Here is one for you. I had said it would be cool to write a movie... well here you go. "80.6% of screenwriters were men and only 19.4% were women." https://womenandhollywood.com/resources/statistics/2019-statistics/#:~:text=80.6% of screenwriters were men and only 19.4% were women. "33% of civil engineers are female and 67% are male." https://www.careerexplorer.com/careers/civil-engineer/demographics/#:~:text=33% of civil engineers are female and 67% are male. There you go. At one point at my work, it was more like at one point it was 100% men and 0% women with regards to professionally licensed...... https://www.infoplease.com/us/society-culture/gender-sexuality/20-leading-occupations-employed-women-us The occupations that women tend to go for are the low paying ones...

But it is weird though because there is still a resistance. Even though not doing feels bad, it is easy. It is like going for ice cream. We know we could get an upset stomach but it is easy. It is like going into a profession our heart is not in. It feels bad because we don't like the 8-5, we don't like the toxic workplace, we don't like the work, but it is easy. It is easy in that the paycheck is guaranteed, the work is guaranteed (as long as we do a good job), the steps to do the work are already laid out for us. It is like going to university. We don't like taking the classes but it is easy. The information is handed to you, you just sit there and the teacher does all the work for you. So many jobs are where everything is already defined for you, you just have to do it. Put this here and do it like this at this time. You are just following orders. You follow orders for how to tell someone else to follow the orders you give them who then follows orders to give the person below them orders who then follows orders to give the person below them orders. Doing something you feel good about is hard. There is resistance. It is not easy. It is hard to create something new that does not exist. I remember in my watercolor class, I had GREAT resistance to make a watercolor painting. I was like, I don't want to do this!!!! But the weird thing is is that sometimes the more resistance we have, the better the product ends up being. Maybe one of the first steps to creation is visualization. You need to spend time visualizing what it is going to look like - that way you are not throwing blindly. Part of me is wondering, well, why write a book if I could potentially make a whole lot more money writing a movie script??? I have an idea for both. I guess one thing is that I want to do both. UGH I also just want to sit still and do nothing as well. I just want to put a blanket over my head and just do nothing for the rest of the day. I got my first item done though - I finished that climate change video. Yay! I think I had that on hold for a month.

Feels bad - Doing anything other than making progress when you feel you should be making progress. Feels good - making progress and getting something off of your list.

Okay so to-do list... ---finish the climate change video just because... you only had like 10 mins left anyway ---research stuff like how "..." that works when someone is speaking, if using dashes - is okay or not okay, ---ummm then need to look at my book and ahhh umm I guess go through and fix the dashes and " " based on what the research says ---I am thinking I may not really say anything about climate change based on the videos I have watched because again, I could watch 10002320934820342 videos and still not really know the "truth".... so I will probably just say this one is up in the air and an on-going thing. I am not an expert in that topic either. --- ummm I guess I need to look at the order of stufff... I feel like I am going to need a professional editor or something. I have seen reviews on amazon criticizing people saying it didn't seem like they used an editor. Part of me doesn't really care but I guess ahhh.. I have just never done this before.... ahhh okay well whatever. um one step at a time. I wanted to send the book to two of my peers as well for feedback from them but I also feel bad because I wrote so much... ughh okay whatever I need to stop saying ugh and ahh and just start DOING

I think maybe I need to stop reading books and go back to getting the 100k word book finished... Maybe I need to set some timelines. These will be totally off but I have to start somewhere right? I could read books on and on and on and have quite a bit that I have started and maybe I just need to pause with them and can go back to them like every once in a while. I thought it would be cool to make some mosaics but also don't feel like I would be able to make much money from it because you can only make one at a time and one would take LOTS OF HOURS to make and what if I can only sell it for like $35? or not at all? It may be more profitable to make something that can be reproduced really easily.... like the book I was trying to write...... ... some notes that I had on my notepad at the time are: positive visualization brain is neuroplastic and can change (I feel like the longer we stay in something, the less encouraged we are because it seems to be helping less and less healthy voice - speaks in kind and helpful voice; toxic voice - blasts us for our imperfection (installed from parents) critic is hypervigilant for seeing disaster hovering in the next moment a self-perpetuating process of extreme negative notcing get angry at inner critic and say no to it admit that life is unfair and we can just do our best ..... study causes of success AND failure ........... what does hypervigilance look like?

positive visualization... even though things seem tough, try to visualize what it would look like if it worked out I think that I tend to sit in negative visualization.. where I visualize stuff not working out - the opposite.

So I attended this zoom meeting where some casting directors were speaking and I took notes... I don't think I want to go into acting but here are the notes anyway.... select the best actor for each role to bring the writer and creator's vision to life not everyone's tone/energy was right for the show trying and meeting new people and see who best brought the characters to life the actor's job - bring your training and your authentic self into a role. believability to the character have to be a trained actor - clues and hints as to who the character is bring truth and your own life experience and authenticity into the role. that is what makes it interesting bring your authentic self. never be what we think they want it to be - that will never be authentic be aware of all the elements that go in to it the world, the tone, the kind of acting style that this show utilizes do our research how you break down a scene and dig into the character realize all of these elements. has to be what feels right/truthful/genuine bring something interesting. just sit and imagine yourself in that situation. go deeper and realer no one can plagiarize you because that is your truth trust is the key. that you are enough. it is enough for the casting directors something that spoke to the director/producer. it is all subjective there is no one right answer do what feels right for you - want to feel good about it. i did what i was supposed to do maybe it was or was not what they were looking for when you are being yourself, you have no competition colleagues trying to work on a project have to get really good at self taping now you are your own - director, lighter, etc a self tape skill is important for actors to learn craft, technique, embody the character the actor feels restricted, stagnant in their space hard to connect with your reader. can lead to a disconnected read keep those muscles strong as an actor - every week. watch it back notice when you feel disconnected. actors not utilizing the space between their body and the camera be aware of your relationship with the camera. come a little closer. let us feel that if you want someone to feel a certain way- we are not going to feel it if you are halfway across the room practice self tape, have those skills, see that the energy is translating over to screen can see chemistry through the screen. work with other actors. all that matters is what you put in to the character recognize the limitations what role does location play in booking/not booking a role ------ I think the suggestions that they gave will go with anything. Be your authentic self and trust that your authentic self is good enough and that you don't have to be something that you are not.

I look at all the hoops that I jumped through in the past and to one degree, they feel like they were such a waste of time and very worthless. To another degree, they feel like they helped. For instance, all the math classes - most of that I never, ever used outside of school. However, I can see that trying to understand steps to something complex can be a helpful exercise and practice for understanding steps to other complex things. All the tennis training and practice - I don't even play at all anymore. However, yes it could be helpful for persistence and determination. But I don't know if I even have that muscle anymore. Part of me says I got weaker but maybe that is just being more aware of things and how hard stuff actually is. All the learning civil engineering - I don't even practice as a civil engineer anymore. However, yes it was helpful for saving money and helpful for learning how part of the world works. Ugh TO DO ANYTHING requires SO MANY HOOPS and for some, it takes so many more hoops than others. It can feel discouraging. I feel like school trained us to follow the herd blindly. When we see what it is like to follow the herd, we go, wait a minute, no way, I don't want to follow the herd. They don't teach you how to survive and not follow the herd. You spend so much time doing what they tell you that you don't practice and develop your own skill of going on your own and doing your own thing. You are kinda weaker in a way being raised in today's society than you were in the past but again there are pros and cons. Ahhh.. I don't want to complain or be a debby downer...

I feel like just being alive has so many hoops to jump through. Find something or grow something and eat it. But everything seems more and more complex. It is like super hard to do just about anything that will aid your survival it seems.

Wow so I was curious about the link between creativity and suicide. "A logistic regression analysis of data from 21 states finds that artists have 270% higher risk of suicide than nonartists. However, after controlling for gender and sociodemographic variables, this risk level is reduced to 125%." https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9014267/ "In the case of unipolar or major depression, the population rate is about 5% but the rate among artists and writers in the various studies between 15% and 50%. Both these conditions are strongly associated with suicide and, most disturbingly, artists are 18 times more likely to suicide than the general population." https://www.artshub.com.au/news/features/20x20-why-creative-people-are-more-prone-to-depression-261229-2368732/#:~:text=In the case of unipolar,suicide than the general population. It makes sense when you think about how most jobs require the person to be somewhat stable, not get bored too easily of doing the same thing over and over all day everyday, sometimes requires people interactions, following codes/methods that are already sent in stone, etc. Jobs are linked to survival. Creative jobs either pay low, are super competitive, and/or super risky. Creatives look at "regular" jobs at don't think there is any way they can last. But they look at their creative work and don't think they can make a living off of it. We kinda need more funding for creatives instead of where there seems to be a monopoly on creative work where a few make millions and most are barely scraping by. I guess they/(we) may end up having to medicate themselves a lot of the time if they are not able to be creative in the way their brain wants them to - either legally or illegally. I think pursuing spirituality may be a temporary helpful outlet for a creative person until it starts to feel futile and then they may feel insane/crazy again. Same goes with studying politics/current events/religion. It is okay to subdue the creative's craziness with exploring ideas but when the futility of truth/understanding/verification hits in, the craziness comes back and the "medication" of the exploration wears off and doesn't work anymore and they need a new medication.

If you are going to be a writer, it can be helpful to look at book reviews on amazon to see what the 1 star reviews are saying to get an idea of what not to do. Also to look at why people give something a 5 star review. If you are going to be an artist, it can be helpful to study the work worth more than 10,000 to see what it is that makes them so valuable - and even do a comparison of those with the ones that go for less than 500 and see what makes one worth more than another. If you are going to make movies, it can be helpful to study the difference between the 7.5+ rated movie versus the 6.0- rated move and see what the difference is. If you are going to make music, well I guess part of it would be - what do you like to listen to. I feel like ratings would not necessarily be accurate for music because you could have crap with lots of views and really good stuff with very little. But same goes with the stuff above. Everything is VERY SUBJECTIVE which makes it hard... but one would think that despite the subjectivity, there will still tend to be PATTERNS. Identifying patterns that lead to things not being liked and patterns that do can be really important if you want to survive doing something artistic and on your own. If you can't survive doing it, well ha you won't be able to do it. You have to find what works but also what you want and find a mix of the two. A delicate balance of doing your own unique thing but also doing what works. Yes you can create something that has never been done before as well and that could either go for miles or go nowhere.

@trenton I too had cognitive dissonance at my last job. Good luck with the chess. What do you like about it?

Is February the hardest month of the year? Or late December through early March? It would also depend on where you live in the world but if you live in the northern hemisphere, where it is dark for many hours of the day and it is very, very cold where it feels harsh to go outside, is that the hardest time to live? Is the summer sun and heat easier? Do we feel more anxiety, depression, sadness, have more suicide during the winter months? Huh, well this first pop-up contradicts that hypothesis: "Their findings demonstrate that both male and female suicide rates tend to be higher during the spring and summer months (combined gender inference of: April ~ 27.24; May ~ 30.04; June ~ 28.86; July ~ 27.83) compared to winter (Nov. ~ 25.77; Dec." I feel bad for my interpretations of events and how it has hurt others. I was hurting myself too. I just don't like hurting others. Part of me says, I would rather be hurt than for others to be hurt. But - I don't like being hurt either - it is really hard. I can't make someone be or react a certain way. I just feel like I have hurt people around me and I don't like it. I keep on trying to reinterpret events to try to make it seem in a lighter, more loving way but sometimes that is not good enough and I have hurt the person because I was feeling hurt and when I try to reinterpret it to not feel hurt, they are still hurt. I can see the issue where I am actively trying to reinterpret the issue so as to not feel hurt and try to make amends but the other person does not do the same - and all I can do is wait for them to reinterpret it too.

Another user on the forum had posted this: "If we radically change the chemical levels in your brain and body, your perception of 'reality' will radically change as well. Not only just that, but your identity will change automatically as well. Why do you want to be attached to only one state? What you think you know about yourself and the world is only attached to that one state. You can discover yourself from different states and you can do that with the world aswell. Why and on what basis assume that one state is superior to another? The main reason why you think you are a human is because you took this state for granted and think that only this state can provide the right perspective. Even the 'chemical level story in the brain' is attached to this identity and knowledge that you try to ground reality and yourself in. Also what you can't forget, that even if you assume that there is a reality out there outside of you, even within that framework you can only experience your version of reality. You cannot escape your peception. You always distort reality and can only experience your own distortion of it. Name one thing that was outside of your experience. You basically cannot do it, because it will be automatically be in your experience in one way or another. Also i want to add here, about your perception of your own self and about your identity that it is also distorted by you. You don't see yourself in its whole form, because you only experience your distorted, biased version of it. Thats why most spiritual teaching is about ego death, is because if the ego is dead, then the distortion and bias will be gone automatically. If you take up any finite identity, there will always be some distortion and bias. You don't have to agree with that, but just think about it, and contemplate it." This is really good stuff.

I was scared to read responses to this thread for awhile because I felt bad after posting what I had posted. Great points there @zurew .

One thing that is important to focus on is not feelings but rather what is actual reality. We are tied to seeing reality a certain way and when that way is questioned, our feelings may start to get triggered. We are attached to seeing it a certain way and if someone is telling us, actually you aren't seeing the full picture - there is more to the story, we may get upset. But we tend to care more about protecting our feelings than we do searching for what is truth. It is such a weird phenomenon. Why wouldn't one just care about the truth, why would one be so worrisome about it and reject it because they want feelings? Maybe we assume the person is trying to hurt us - to tell us we weren't as good as we thought we were, the situation isn't as good as we thought.. But how is that hurting if they are giving us new info which can allow us to change? Maybe it is best to react with "thanks" to info because it can take a LONG time to process data. The initial response to it could be wrong. It could be we end up agreeing; it could be we end up disagreeing. But when is "end" and there is always time far, far off where we can change our mind. Criticizing something that someone is involved with - their religion, their profession, their partner, their family, their personality, their clothing, etc... Sometimes we think - well I have this data and there is potential it will help so I am going to say it even if the person does not like it. It may be that I am wrong and it doesn't help; it may be that I am right and it does. However, because there is potential, I would just like the opportunity to speak it and let them here it. HOWEVER, it will be problematic to keep on saying the same criticism over and over again. The person has heard you and either they latch on or they do not. If you keep on doing it despite them not latching on, they may dislike you for it. If you do it once and they do not latch on, and you back away, you will give them more time to process it. Maybe you have never criticized someone about this topic before and so you don't know whether there is potential or not- you also don't know how people of that subject will react. Also note that everyone will tend to react differently. The giving the criticism and hearing the reaction could be a learning process because you are going to get a response and data and therefore get more info than you had before. I think when we criticize something that someone is involved with, they may hate us for it. We may not have meant for it to hurt them or even thought at the time that it would. However, once we have said it, we could see that, oh I did not predict this at all and here they are reacting upset. Note - whenever there is a slight threat of hurting someone's feelings - sometimes it is best to say you did not mean to hurt their feelings immediately to make it more about the topic and less about feelings.