Ulax

Added in yoga nidra to my practice too. I think the embodiment is v useful. Also, I want to have one sesh of concentration meditation per day. Will make it a mantra one. So, currently my day will be broken into three practices: 1 - Mantra (30 mins) - Yoga nidra (10) - Mahasi Flow (60) 2 - Yoga nidra (10) - Mahasi Flow (60) - Conscious Mental Rest (30) 3 - Yoga Nidra (10) - Mahasi Flow (60) - Conscious Mental Rest (30) Have meeting with the final prospective IFS therapist tomorrow too. She is very well regarded so let's see. --- Actually I'm going to swap in counting meditation for the mantra one,

Dodson: "Be-Do-Have Levels below 200 are focused on " Having". All of life involves and surrounds what someone has and can get. Levels 200-450 revolve around "Doing". All this " Doing" is what built civilization as we know it. On levels 450-600 the persons focus is on "Being". It is not important what one owns (has), what one does (profession) but who one is (personality, energy-field). Lower-level consciousness thinks that the best method to achieve something is Do-Have-Be. "If I workout (do), then I have muscles (have) and then I'm respectable ( Be)". A much easier life begins with Being and then letting the actions naturally come from that Being which will eventually result in Having (this is described in detail in my book " Parallel Universes of Self") "

Think I've found the accompanying meditation I've been looking for. Gonna try doing 2 x 30 minute conscious mental rest, alongside the mahasi flow. Would total 5 hours per day. Have met with 3 different IFS therapists recently. One stood out to me, she was pretty hot as well lol - nice bonus hehe.

Getting some FAT ego backlash. Keep obsessing over getting revenge over perceived wrongdoers from the past. I even downloaded an ebook on ways to get revenge earlier lmao. Am working on getting my concentration practice sorted to deal with it. Dry insight practice is intense man, gotta make it wet. Am retrying a few of the practices I came up with during the fucked up times. Hopefully they should work in these lighter times.

Goat'd post

Think I'll add in a session of mantra meditation, using 'om sri rama jaya rama jaya jaya rama'. Like perhaps one 30 min session midday. I also ordered an xbox which im quite excited about. So, can just meditate, therapy and xbox for a while. Then when im ready I can get on with normie activities, i.e. life purpose, dating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Man it is wild to be emotionally stable. I was so fucked up lmao. Pretty much borderline feral ahahaha. I laugh but fuck. I dunno how im still alive. Looking for ways to fill up my day now. I have my meditation stuff which is great and will plug in an ifs therapy sesh soon. Want to get into some kind of routine.

@Thought Art You got this bro

@Thought Art This might help: "As you consider the situation again, ask yourself, “Is it true that Paul doesn’t listen to me?” Be still. If you really want to know the truth, the honest yes or no from within will rise to meet the question as you recall that situation in your mind’s eye. Let the mind ask the question, and wait for the answer that surfaces. (The answer to the first two questions is just one syllable long; it’s either yes or no. Notice if you experience any defense as you answer. If your answer includes “because . . .” or “but . . . ,” this is not the one-syllable answer you are looking for, and you’re no longer doing The Work. You’re looking for freedom outside yourself. I’m inviting you into a new paradigm." ^ Quote above is from https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/, specifically the excerpt about the mind at home

Have continued with my practice. Have started having rather intense dreams. Including a couple intense nightmares, one was particularly terrifying. Both I woke up from screaming my lungs out too. Have selected a level 3 IFS therapist I want to work with now too. With all the meditative gains it should be much more seemless re IFS.

Am going to add in some centering prayer after the mahasi flow stuff. Am thinking about potentially switching therapists yet again. Things are so much easier now im out of dissociation. And with that my needs have changed. I was looking for some Somatic experiencing help for the dissociation, but now I'm more interested in a combination of Somatic experiencing and IFS. But we'll see. Am going to work on my internet addiction too. It should be much easier now to deal with now. And should make it much easier to day to day tasks. Though I wonder what might come up. I might do some AA 12 step type stuff as well. Am also thinking of self studying for a sociology exam too. But I think mainly I need to work on getting some sort of routine going and working on the addiction. My mind is so good at rationalizing or dismissing my addiction.

Another 6 hours of mahasi flow put in today.

Clocked in 6 hours of mahasi flow meditation. Did 4 sets of 3x30 mins. I throw in a bit of conscious mental rest (CMR) meditation every now and again too. Its a non directive type of meditation. Man, I'm so fucking grateful I finally found a meditation technique that works for me and I can go hardcore with. Its taken 8 years of searching. The past few years have been like a war. I told myself I would just practically lock myself in my room until I figured out what the fuck was going on, and until I solve it. And it seems that journey is bearing fruits. The funny thing is to most it will just seem like someone who was very lazy finally got there act together. But hey, if you know, you know.

Have been putting the hours into meditation. Still the mahasi flow technique. Am doing hours per day. Unstructured atm, in that i don't plan it out. I'm going to play with doing two 3x1 hour meditations per day going forward too.

So, it seems i'm finally in a new chapter of my life. After a very fucked up one. The ssri has worked a miracle on me. Coincidentally, my meditation practice finally clicked. And I've ramped up to doing 4.5 hours per day of it. I've been expermenting daily with meditation techniques for days, and I finally got it. Essentially, I've created a new technique via combing the mahasi noting technique with shinzen young's noting gone technique. Essentially, what I do is I do watching the breath in the abdomen and labelling rising-falling. Then as soon as an inner experience come to awareness I label 10 gones on that inner experience. Then return to the abdomen labelling. I call it 'mahasi gone'. A lot of shadow stuff has been coming up, and i've been having some ego backlash. Like I've found myself taking out revenge via online trolling on a old teacher who used to harass me at school on twitter. The ssri definitely helps with the practice. I've stopped doing the acupuncture and the osteopathy as of late. Mainly because the practioners kept pissing me off, giving me unsolicited advice, or being patronizing. Also, I had time to get some feedback from the techniques and I think I'm best placed to look elsewhere for the time being. I've finally found my 'unicorn' therapist too. In the cptsd community, people use this term to refer to basically a very good cptsd therapist. Which i've found to be surprisingly rare. Also, i think the combo of the antidepressant and the therapist are useful too. The therapist specializes in dissociative disorders and cptsd. They are an integrative therapist and use mainly a combination of sensorimotor therapy, IFS therapy and somatic experiencing. Although i've had numerous hardships I can't help but feel guilty at the same time. I've been very privelleged to have a lot of financial support and to live in a first world country with a welfare programme. Some of the shit i've seen on forums is so harrowing. Like you have women with severe cptsd in fucking iraq who are dirt poor. Or having cptsd and being homeless.. How the fuck they are going to get out of that situation i have no idea. Before therapy pickup was like an obsession of mine, I guess stage orange v green transition. And I felt like a bit of a dumbass for putting so much emphasis on it instead of therapy for a while. But I dunno, if I hadn't gone through that period I don't think I would have ever cultivated the skills of taking the world as it is. I have this sort of mantra 'there's the way the world is and the way you want it to be'. And, I think that has helped me get to where i am. Because fuck man being bedridden by mental illness for years, and everyone criticizing you is fucked. You open up to people and they fucking laugh in your face. Its insane. I dunno man, its just fucked up.

@PurpleTree To my knowledge, yes. I know Kenneth folk, a prominent insight meditation instructor, did a lot of practice whilst on an antidepressant. He stopped when his practice got good enough for him not to need the ssri anymore.

25.5 Edit: Apologies for the trolling

I can relate to some of your attitudes. I'd recommend incorporating some mindfulness meditation, and some depth psychotherapy, i.e. IFS therapy. If things get more severe on the depression front, can consider taking an antidepressant alongside the psychotherapy/ meditation.

I'd say mental illness can make you miss out on life

Seems weird to me you'd be given an antipsychotic for lack of motivation/ anxiety. Maybe sertraline would be a better psychiatric drug to try first.

@StarStruck Dude you acting like the slain girls were twerking naked on top of the border fence ?

Hmmm I'd be curious to hear his answers to the following: 1) What he thinks of IFS therapy? 2) What that mouth do?

Not sure mate

@Jannes i have used 'focus me' in the past. You can block specific websites and the app has uninstall protection