Roy

The "I don't need your caring. I have better people to care about me." was way too abrasive, and unwarranted. Everything else was reasonable though. There isn't much else to do. You forgive him and want to move on in your life. He is just being needy. It should be hard to block him. Once you stop being reminded of him he probably won't come up again in your mind.

As cliché as it is; time is the healer. Yes, but only if you are conscious about it and are trying to grow

Do you want a monogamous relationship together, or not? Idk what the exact dynamics or details are other than what you've said, but I wouldn't be able to trust her again. It's one thing to be open and trusting like we all should be in relationships, but it sounds like she's been playing you to have 2 relationships based off of all the space and freedom you've been allowing her. Which isn't what you want when dealing with a confused girl like this who doesn't know what she wants and is talking about love for you but ALSO that "something changed in him". There is a fine line here where it may seem like you're operating from a place of love affording her these kinds of freedoms, but it's actually coming from insecurity and fear of losing her. What she needs is to be given an ultimatum so she can learn her place. Clear decisions are what needs to be offered so all parties can move forward in a way that's best for them. Don't listen to what women are saying to you, rather watch what they do. Consider that you gave her so much space and had such open boundaries that even when given the chance she couldn't restrain herself from going to spend not only a day with him but also spend the night?! Then she tells you that they were cuddling and she was touching him? Let me tell you what happened, and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but she is telling you that not just to be "honest" but out of guilt and to get it off her shoulders that she doesn't really respect your relationship enough to control herself, her feelings, or her impulses. Her also saying "nothing else happened" is to comfort you. It's virtually certain she has been fucking him anytime they've seen each other. If you truly really do love her and want to just be with her with no 3rd person around the relationship, you need to set a hard boundary; No more guy friends, no more talking or seeing her ex ever again, period. Or you break up with her. No discussion. I think it's too late though, and you need to learn a lesson and move on. I don't mean this to be insulting, but just to give it to you straight because I really want to help you - you come off as really naïve in all this. You deserve someone who totally respects you and is clear about what they want. Cut her off, take your time, and then go find that person where stuff like this won't happen again.

You want most of your basic values as people to align more or less, yeah. Having the same life purpose or career though isn't really necessary and is usually quite a rare thing. It's probably healthy to have some form of separation within the relationship so you guys have space to breathe and think. Not every couple can have their lives completely intertwined in so many ways like that. It's incredibly demanding.

That's ok. Maybe not now, but they could reveal themselves if you keep the fire of searching lit. You mentioned people only believe things about reality. What do you believe about worthiness? Have you considered that worthiness is actually relative?

If you're doing it for a genuine release it can be a really healthy way to relieve stress and get satisfaction. If you're doing it as a distraction or to satisfy a constant craving that is where you have to watch out.

I'm very sorry. Nobody deserves to hear that, but there is a perspectival logic you can attain that "pulls the rug" out from under these kinds of statements and makes them look like the hollow bullshit they are............. You exist! Regardless of whatever she (or anyone) feels about it. You are here as a living breathing thing. No statement from her, or feelings you have as a reaction impedes the "is-ing" that is happening. Get in touch with and appreciate that. How unique and powerful it is. Once you start to feel that you will notice how her words are just hollowness. And that your feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, and regret aren't actually "truth" either. What is true is that you are. This is a healthy detachment that will help you get "over" it

How does it feel when you get it out though, freeing I bet?

I was in this role for quite a long time so I am familiar with it. Maybe it's a strategic place to be for now, but your general trajectory you'd probably agree is to be independent in the future yes? You mentioned it's an automatic/unconscious process, good. That means you're at least aware it's happening! Of course something ingrained in you like this isn't a behavior you can change on the drop of a dime. Find ways to slowly integrate new paths of independence in your life, so you can rewire your mind and prove to yourself that an alternative is possible. You may intellectually know that you could be totally independent and not be "playing this role", but until you're shown moments where it's actually happening for you it will remain intellectual. I don't know your exact circumstances, but a small example of what I'm talking about is taking direct responsibility for something you'd have to do for yourself if you weren't with your parents. Like shopping for your own groceries. It may seem stupid or insignificant but it's those kind of conscious steps you take that "shed the role". Brainstorm some things you think you could do that directly attack that role.

Are you just saying that because of your state right now, or can you really not recall anything? Because I'm willing to bet you could.

You are very young and got your whole life ahead of you, it's really amazing how far ahead of the curve you are by thinking about all this stuff now. But it's CRUCIAL you don't overwhelm yourself or mix up your priorities. Do what you need to for school, spend time socializing with friends, getting girlfriends/boyfriends, partying and having fun. Soak up lots of different experiences so you find out what you really like/don't like and can contrast for the future. You need to have your house in order before you can really go balls to wall pursuing enlightenment for example. You have to be strategic about things!

I am sorry for your pain @Blackhawk. I imagine it really sucks to be feeling like this. I do think you've either bought in or built up an unnecessary and unhelpful perspective though, a perspective which is not truth or permanent, and CAN be changed. If you really wanted to, do you think it's possible to find examples where love isn't being selfish? Or recall moments in your life when you did have something to offer, and it felt good?

For example when you are healing you might be coming across into new insights about the events that happened, and changing your behavior for the future based on those insights. Ruminating would just be sitting with things aimlessly, at the mercy of your emotions and the whirlwind of thoughts. Practice identifying when you are doing which, when the events are recalled. You'll feel progress being made when you can recall the events in the future with less and less negative emotion, but rather acceptance and confidence that they made you stronger and who you are today

I'm just playing around a bit idk either hehe.

Bruh, I talk to like 3 people and you guys on this forum. That's spends all my social energy credits Is there a place I can buy more?

lmao what a bitch. Honestly.

Look. You need to go live your life and gather your own raw experience. Drop all ideology and "pills", and worldviews from idiots on the internet. Most of them don't spend any time outside. They are stuck in echo chambers and thought loops in their minds. There is no actual "truth" of things. The world is everything, not one way or another. You can choose what you want to perceive, either you'll choose what is helpful or maybe it will hurt you. Either way take responsibility for it and don't be eager to delegate it to someone else's agenda. What do you really want? Find out what that is and focus on that. Discard that which is not useful and garner a healthy perspective from your own learning experience. You even said yourself you know blackpill people are fucked in the head. So why are you giving credence to it? If it is not making you feel good follow that instinct and drop it, and don't doubt yourself about it. Simply move onto something that feels closer to truth and better for you. This is one of the struggles of relativity, and while it seems frustrating that you can never quite "pin" the truth down that's too fucking bad. That's not a bug, it's a feature! Just keep going, and learn to trust yourself more than anything or anyone else.

How dangerous is Neo-liberal American capitalism ?

@StarStruck that's frustrating I'm sorry. I would maybe hold back though from saying things like that because it can spoil the relationship. It may be that she has different expectations of how much you see each other while dating. Some people like a few times a week, others a few times a month. One of those compatibility things I mentioned a while ago. It's hard for the stars to align so to speak. You are talking to and dating other girls right? That should ease and put things in perspective right. Don't commit too much to any one relationship unless it's clear you are both going that way and you've talked about it. If it makes you feel any better I've had like 12/14 girls flake, end things, or be confused about what they want in the past month and a half alone it's tough stuff but when you find that right connection holy shit is it worth it.

Was this that same blonde?

Feeling. What feels like healing? vs What feels like ruminating?

Weird. Must be locked in just Canada then? The song is "Life of the party" by July Talk

Focusing on the joy and being secure in the uniqueness of your own life makes FOMO looks like the thing it really is, a childish impulse. When you are at true peace with yourself, participation seems like more of an enjoyable act of love, rather than an unconscious chore.

You do not need nor deserve to create more suffering for yourself through ultimatums. Is this a limit you feel exists and is true? Why can you not serve others and yourself at the same time? And can you honestly think of ways to serve yourself where you don't need to suffer, but rather feel good? What could that look like? Perhaps that is why you fail to be happy. Setting standards where there needs to be none. Happiness is simply radical contentment. No time conjuring up conditions needs to be wasted. I'm really sorry for what you're going through @Onecirrus, but it doesn't need to be the end of the road. There is nowhere that is written. Please don't feel the need to hurt yourself. If you feel unwell take time to rest and consider talking to someone, people will always be here to help you. https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

The speech pathologist should really help, good for you going to a professional. Out of curiosity do you listen to a lot of lectures or podcasts? Sometimes just hearing different people talk a lot to learn new vocabulary and ways of expression can help a lot. It certainty helped me.