aurum

Yes, you're really can be a nerd. The external doesn't matter that much. It's your psychology that counts the most.

You're only looking at the surface level of things. You're seeing the "badboy" getting women and assuming "okay, this is how I must have to act". When in reality, there are underlying behaviors that the badboy might exhibit from time to time that make him attractive, but the entire strategy isn't what is winning him women. Vulnerability or "being nice" will make you crush it with women. But the problem is I can already tell you have no idea what people really mean when they say that. So it's useless advice to you, even if it's true. Here's some Game 101: When you meet a woman, she wants a man who she feels simultaneously wants her, yet doesn't NEED her at all. It's kind of attitude you usually have when you're just having fun with your friends. Things are good, and nothing necessarily needs to happen for you to have a nice time. Fall too far to one side of not giving a shit, and you're an asshole. Fall too far to one side of wanting her, and you come across as a needy pathetic nice guy. The badboy isn't needy, and that's why he does well when he does. But actually, most guys are complete assholes are not at all doing the best with women because the girl eventually feels like this guy just doesn't care at all. Guys THINK that material things like money, looks etc are what causing the girl to like you. So we spend our lives trying to manipulate our circumstances to meet what we think women want. But the reality is that when these things work, it's really because you psychologically allowed yourself to act in the way I described. And you can alter your identity to where acting like this is just feels completely natural. It's just "who you are". What sort of behaviors does a man who is in this mental head space tend to exhibit? 1) He's RELAXED and AT EASE WITH HIMSELF 2) He's not afraid to offend someone if deemed necessary 3) GIVING good emotions to other people 4) Laughter, having fun 5) Other women around him or seeking his approval 6) Being a leader 7) Knows how to make himself feel good 8) Not afraid to put their full personality and desires out there 9) Knows what he wants And I could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, I'm just presenting a model here. There will be lots of nuances and special cases. For instance, some women are more validation hungry than others and so will often go after guys who withhold validation more. But, generally this is how it's done. Now let's circle back to our original thesis, which was that being vulnerable is effective with women. Notice that many of the traits I listed could be defined as "being vulnerable". BUT it's being vulnerable in a very different way. We've pulled away false assumptions, like that you need to be afraid of rejection. So vulnerability takes on a much different meaning.

I'm honestly probably not the best person to answer this because I know I still have some emotional walls around love. But I've at least seen the direction I want to go and share that with you. Ultimately, love isn't about what you "get" from the other person. Now, that doesn't mean chemistry isn't important. Because certainly some people are just better matches for each other. However, most people ONLY care about chemistry and how this person fulfills their own needs. From that perspective, love is honestly kind of selfish and just a tool of the ego. But I don't believe that's the highest form of love humans are capable of. True Love starts with YOU. You coming from a place where you're so fulfilled and at peace that you can't help but love other people. It just pours out of you. You can't help it. In that sense, True Love is really a love for yourself and for all of life. Then when you meet that person who you do have amazing chemistry with, your focus is more on GIVING. Another point: Love is a choice. No one can go into your brain and turn the "love dials". Ultimately, you do it to yourself. And so, you just make a choice that this is going to be the person you love and your actions reflect that. Now, most people won't like what I just said because it's validating to believe that it was something about THEM that made their lover fall head over heels. And certainly you do play a role. But you can't change a person who doesn't want to change. Do you and your boyfriend fit this description? I have no idea. I'm not faulting you if you don't because I certainly struggle with it. But just think about it.

A quick note, it's very hard to break a habit unless you replace it with a new one. So for instance, if you're trying to kick TV watching, replace your TV watching time with maybe watching a self development video or listening to an audiobook. As far as incorporating multiple habits, it definitely can be tough. But I'd still try. What will probably happen is that some will stick and some won't, and then you'll eventually come back to the ones that didn't stick when the time is right.

You don't. You can't actually repress emotions more than temporarily. That shit always comes back. Rather, observe your emotions objectively and see their impermanent nature.

Awesome! Many people will not have that kind of experience in their whole life. You had it very quickly

Who said they don't?

It depends on your definition of happiness. I'm not defining happiness as "excitement", like when you lost your virginity. I'm talking more about like a calm, present, peaceful state of being fulfilled instead of needing anything to be different. But yes, your positive emotions aren't "you" either. They're something going on in experience, and I'd much prefer them to negative emotions, but the truth is you can get attached to positivity as well and create suffering for yourself. Think about doing drugs. People get ATTACHED to the good feelings that come from the drugs. They can't handle when it goes away. They're still heavily identified with their experience. People who say they love life...great. I love life too. But actually, if you're so attached to "living", you won't be able love life because you're constantly afraid of death. Thus, you go through life actually suffering because of your attachment to it. When you drop those attachments to the either positive or negative, that's when presence and fulfillment comes in.

Non-resistence and becoming present is definitely part of it. But I'm going to add one more thing: giving. When you genuinely give, you experience that sense of unity with all things people are looking for. I honestly feel like this is the key to life. Everything, whether you're trying to run a business or have good sex, comes from this place of giving. And yeah, you'll receive something usually in return. But even if you don't, it doesn't matter because the act of giving ALREADY made you feel good. So why do you need to receive anything? What can it give you at that moment that you don't already have? In that sense, you could argue even that giving is selfish. Giving is for you, because it puts you in this higher consciousness head space that automatically feels good. But we're arguing semantics at this point. Because if your motivations are impure, it won't do anything. The point is that you've become like Leo talks about a "benevolent force for good". You just want good for everybody and everything.

Never said that. I'm not judging you, I'm trying to help you. In personal development, I've learned that not all emotions are created equal. There are certain behaviors and thoughts you don't engage with if you want to grow. I'm assuming you want to grow. What makes your feelings authentic? Because you're feeling them? Because you had a thought? Why are either of those things true? The truth is there's thoughts and emotions...and then there's your interpretation of these things. Low vibration, negative emotions aren't "authentic". That's ego creating suffering where there is none. I'm not asking you to repress or mask over anything. I'm saying see these things as they are. Some biological sensations in your chest? Some monkey mind chatter? Are you any of these things? No you're not. It's when you realize this that positivity and feeling good is a natural byproduct because you're not longer identified with these things. And over time, they tend to fall away to a certain degree. They never were true to begin with. Have you noticed that people who are highly evolved and successful tend to be happy? That's because they've learned this. They've learned they have control over how they want to live and interpret life. People who are stuck in negativity, that's what they call in personal development "coping, not thriving". They're just trying to get through your struggles and not feel bad, as apposed to THRIVING where you feel so good that you automatically want others to feel good. Happiness in this sense if actually something you need to fight for. Because although mediation can teach you that you don't need anything to be happy, you're not really capable of realizing that right now. You fight to the point where you can let it go.

I'll tell you that my therapist is philosophically aligned much more with you (thriving instead of coping) and he does fantastic. That's why I see him, there was no one else who I felt really would be on board and understand my goals.

Dude, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Whether or not I misinterpreted your question (I didn't), I still took time out of my day for no reason but to HELP you. Why would you not at least be appreciative? I'm not saying you need to get on your hands and knees and thank me, but why would you want to be negative? Why would you want me to feel a WORSE emotion? If you don't have friends that you feel you can express your problems to, it's NOT because people are assholes that lack empathy. There are INCREDBILE people out there in this world, people who would bleed for you, let alone listen to your "problems". But you're probably not finding them because you're negative! And they don't want to be around you because positive people want to be around other positive people. And so this just keeps reinforcing your world view that you can't find friends to express yourself to. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy man. You're doing this to yourself and you don't even realize it.

For sure. Not that real life is much different @Frogfuciusone more thing, if people are giving you shit for this, they probably sense you're defensive about it. You can get away with so much social anarchy just by being unapologetic, it's hilarious when you see this glitch.

Haven't read it! I'll check it out, thanks.

Social media is a tool. If it fits your goals, use it. If it doesn't, don't. Deep Work by Cal Newport gives a detailed and nuanced explanation on this. I like social media, but not because I "use it" as a consumer. It's a business asset. Instagram is the number one driver of traffic to my blog. Easily the best marketing and sales tool I have. As a consumer, no way. I have no idea why people use it except that it obviously seems pretty addicting.

You don't HAVE to do anything obviously. But yes, if you read Pursuing Consciousness by Ralston or The End of Your World by Adyashanti, they talk about the importance that personal development can play before and after an enlightenment experience. Wilber is tough to recommend, because he's highly academic. Just jumping in and reading him is tough. But I know many people like A Brief History of Everything. I'd suggest moving on to others after that like Integral Spirituality and Integral Psychology. I actually read all these books BECAUSE I was so confused after my own enlightenment experience. Life WTF, I realized I'm God and experienced the void, yet I still can't seem to resist Facebook? What gives?

I'll be honest man, I'm not with you on this one. You have to understand social nuance and context. You're right, a random stranger has no interest in your problems. And why should they? And more importantly, why would you want to dump your problems on them? Since you posted this in the "social" part of the forum, I'm going to answer this in terms of social skills. Being good socially means you're looking to give people positive emotions. Not all the time, obviously. But generally speaking at least. When I go out with my friends, I'm not thinking just "how can I have a good time". Sometimes I definitely do. But often times I'm thinking, "how can I make THEM have a good time". You don't think I have problems? I got problems out the ass man. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're special in this situation. Everyone has their shit. So why am I doing this? Being social is a way for people to get away from all that for awhile and just enjoy being in the moment. No one wants to hear about more problems, they have enough of that already. Of course, there is also a time and place to dump problems. I do that all the time as well. But it's a very different context. These are good friends who I would gladly sit and listen to their problems as well. What's funny though is that as you shift your focus towards making other people feel good, it makes YOU feel good. You give, and you'll receive. That's the law of the universe. But you just want to receive. "How come no one cares about MY problems. Because MY problems are so important, I'm going to bring you all down with me!" You think that's going to make you happy, if people would just listen to your problems. But it won't. It's just not how it works man, I don't know what else to say. If you find another way, left me know. You give to get.

There's no easy solution here, you're going to have to get creative based on your personal circumstances. I'd recommend a PART-TIME job, full-time only if really necessary, which it sounds like it's not yet. For instance, when I decided to do the entrepreneur thing, I leveraged my graduate degree and teaching experience to become a private tutor on the side. Really good money, but also not requiring a lot of time / mental focus. That's money to stay alive and support your dream. Ask yourself: what skills do you have that you can leverage? If you really can't think of something, then I don't know, get a job as a bartender or something else simple. You don't need a perfect long term solution, you just need enough to keep buying yourself at least a couple months.You might have to entrepreneur-esque stuff like crash on a friend's couch. You'll probably have to cut out everything else though. Little socializing, little entertainment or free time of any kind. But hey, if you're really an artist, this is an easy choice to make. Extra work > free time any day. So if this is that important to you, you've GOT to find a way. Just figure it out, no excuses.

For whatever it's worth, I've had a pretty serious enlightenment "experience" and will confirm what @Leo Gurais saying. I suppose for some people their first enlightenment experience could be incredibly deep enough to eventually alter them in ways we would consider beneficial to "personal development". But this seems very rare and not likely for most people. Ralston, Adyashanti and Ken Wilber have all written about this in depth. For me, while I do believe my experience has been beneficial in terms of personal development, it's certainly not over for me. Still many habits remain that I would ideally like to kick. Of course, maybe if I ever achieved full enlightenment I would drop all desires for personal development. But I really can't say. Such a perspective is way too radical for me to grasp at my current level. All I know is that right now I'm just as motivated to do personal development as really ever before. There is no reason that becoming directly conscious of Truth would suddenly mean you knew how to, for instance, run a business. These things are totally independent of each other. I believe a good life comes from mastering both your inner purpose (enlightenment) AND your outer purpose (world of form). This is the Middle Way. The alpha and the omega, everything and nothing, in this world but not of it.

Yes I got a real sense of this "meaninglessness" when I had my own awakening experience. Totally devastating at the time, showed me how much of a joke everything is. Agreed as well. I still favor the balanced approached. The Middle Way, so to speak. A big click for me was reading Ken Wilber. He talked about how anyone could have a spiritual experience, but it was their level of psychological development that would determine how they would interpret it. Total light bulb moment. Explains why there's such a wide variety of people who seem to be enlightened. You need both to really get the benefits.

First off, it's equal parting finding and creating. There's no "life purpose" just waiting out there for you, it's just a mental label you give to a set of actions and goals. So you've just got to choose at some point that this is going to be your life purpose. You find what you should choose basically just by learning and experimenting. The more shit you try, the more self-awareness you'll develop and be able to see what you should be doing. Here's a big hint: what do you want to do? I understand that's a loaded question because most people's can't distinguish between socially conditioned desires and authentic desires. But still, it's the right question to ask. The more you experiment, the more you'll be able to drill through the nonsense and be able to answer that question honestly. Also, your life purpose might evolve. Who says your life purpose today must be your life purpose tomorrow? You're in the driver seat, it's all about what you want.

You're welcome. I mean drink if you want...in the end it's all waste of time. But sure, it's not something I want to put my time towards. I've got nothing against drunk girls either, they're just not ideal when trying to do pickup on a long term basis. Yeah it's definitely predatory sounding. When your game is bad, that's usually your only option. But for any guy I know with actual good game, that's not what he's doing.

Curious what you mean by this. I agree that there's definitely limits to positive focus and ultimately you need to learn to dis-identify from your thoughts. At the same time though, there seems to be real benefits to positive focus, especially if you are new to self development. Do you disagree?

I'm having a hard time understand what your problem is with doing pick up except that you've inherently labeled it "weird", but I'll answer the question I think you were asking. First off, if the only girls you're connecting with are the girls who are drunk bitches, you're doing something wrong. I did pickup sober, and so most girls I hit it off with were...drum roll please...mostly sober. In fact, I LIKED when girls were sober because then that meant they would remember me if I got their number and take it more seriously. Drunk girls are a pain in the ass to deal with when it comes to logistics. Why do you do pickup? Well I can't speak for everyone but I know for me I did it because I had no choice. Whatever strategy I had been using in past failed pretty badly and so I had to try something new. Trust me, it was traumatizing enough that there's NO WAY I would have done that if I didn't feel like I had to. And yes, I don't know if I'd say 1000s of hours but at least 100s. You're carving out a new psychological identity for yourself as well as developing an entirely new skill set. That shit doesn't just happen over night. Nope, I very rarely if ever drink anymore. What I do is I just don't do it. I've got enough social experience, mostly from pickup, that I don't need to be wasted in order to have a good time with people. Own it and no one will question it twice.

You're welcome!