StarStruck

I appreciate it. I'm overthinking and at the same time my emotions are just in haywire. It is just my head. I appreciate your support and advice.

It was definitely not unexpected but stubbornly I wanted to work it out. This is a girl with many options so I'm easily replaceable. Her ex was bipolar so I was thinking if a bipolar guy can attract, why can't I? Anyway, I notice I'm over-analysing. I should just accept with didn't match and move on but emotionally I can't. Life is really getting unbearable at this moment and I called the suicide prevention phone number. Not that I was seriously contemplating it but I really needed to talk to somebody. I understand that I have to go inward. I'm still wallowing in my misery at this moment. Perhaps I should push myself to finish taking notes from this topic and get to work. Until this point I only did inquiry and contemplation to foster communication between my various shadow parts.

Hi guys. I will respond to your replies very soon but I wanted to give an update. She just texted me she doesn't want to continue seeing me. She says we don't match and that she will have it busy with her university that is starting. She says it is not me but her. I don't believe it. The fact is that I had a mental break down that evening. It was the first meeting and I was going so fast and not take it slow. It obviously scared her off. Perhaps I'm making this up all in my head but I remember she said that she wanted to be treated as a princes and I made her wash the dishes. It was kind of to tease her but I just didn't make that connection in my head at the time. Perhaps I'm taking one date too serious. Im taking it serious right now. I mean a date with a girl was such a precious thing so probably that is the reason. Obviously I acted as a dick but she said he liked dicks. So I wanted to be one. It was a mistake and I should learn and move on but I beat myself up about it. There are so many emotions running through me that I even might be inclined to say I'm going insane. Being myself means repulsing people. That is why I didn't want to be myself whole my life. I will definitely need to go into therapy very soon.

I don't think that is a good strategy. You really need to address people where they are at. If you are level 700 consciousness and you only accept 700+ consciousness level friends you will have a lonely life. People are not static, perhaps you can meet people with consciousness level 500 and elevate them for example. Sometimes one also doesn't have a choice and it will have to be ok with lesser conscious friends, or perhaps start with low conscious friends and then move up.

It is my paradigm. I'm noticing I'm just lacking a lot of knowledge to understand myself. How did you gain this knowledge? Was there any literature you used or was it all contemplation and inquiry? From this thread I think it becomes obvious that I don't have a good relationship with myself. A lot of people literally told me not to be so harsh on myself. I think you are hitting the nail on the head. This circus-trainer-self might have all the good intentions but it just not working. At this point I'm so confused, there are so many moving parts. I'm thinking that I just have a low IQ. If that is the case I should take that into consideration. I'm a slow learner and big part of that is that I can't / won't keep focus on something, because of my pain body. It is kind of a cycle to keep homeostasis so I stay where I'm at. I see other people who are much less intelligent get things done so I'm doubting right now. It might not be my lack of intelligence why I fail at life. My porn addiction is so bad that I have semi erectile dysfunction because of it. I think this is the reason why I messed up and why I have low confidence with women. I might reconsider porn when I'm healed until then I might use fapping if the urges become really heavy. Ok, with silencing the trainer you obviously mean: acknowledge its needs/purpose and let go of the emotions, right? It is so disorientating to let go of the circus trainer because I just don't better. Yesterday, I tried to let go of control during conversations with people I just met, and my conversations were so much better. I was a totally new person and I was dominating the room with my energy. Suddenly a cute girl entered our conversation, making eye contact and I boom: the rejected child's emotions struck me. Leo's recent video about introspection was very helpful. It wasn't easy to let go but I managed to release/let go a little bit. I think it is a process of reconditioning myself I think. My focus will be on myself for the coming three months but I will try to expose myself to situations: it is a great way to trigger shadow parts. That is what I thought: I should do it out of self-love/happiness. Recently I watched some guru's video and he said you should change to become independent. Independence is also an interesting motivation. I get the second line but I'm not sure if I understand the first line. What do you mean with "you were given your energy to fulfill them!"?

Thank you for clearing up the difference between wanting and needing. Currently I really have a want for emotional satisfaction, being understood and being loved. I'm so confused right now because I'm getting conflicting advice. The starguitarist says I shouldn't be focusing on these things I mentioned right now. He says for the coming 3 months I should focus on myself and not try to get girls. Perhaps I'm just understanding it wrong and it is not conflicting advice. I thought I needed other people to get my emotional needs met but I can do it myself too through journaling, recording myself or something. It doesn't feel so fulfilling though. I think I should just focus on getting the work done and implement the advice I got in this thread. I'm not sure what my motivation should be? I thought about my motivation for changing myself. I'm just having immense suffering right now. I text this girl yesterday and she puts me on read sometimes and I feel so awful. If I played my cards right I would have gotten her but things went as it went and it is hard to accept. Currently working hard to not be attached to her and getting her attention. I feel like a mindless zombie. You guys gave me good advice and I'm still simping for this girl. I really don't have expectations from her but I just want to be one of those guys that she is enthusiastic about, doesn't take for granted and just gives me attention. If I'm honest that is what I REALLY want right now and denying that makes makes my heart go cold. For the last couple of days I have been doing that and I came across these shadow parts: The rejected child: this got triggered during the date and it is still active. The unmet emotional needs are just right in my face and I can't think straight. It is hard to get stuff done because this part of myself is begging for attention. Exhausted self: I tried to change myself for 10+ years and it didn't work out. There is a deep grief and pain for the lost opportunities. Circus trainer: I think I inherited this from my parents. I give myself harsh, non-emotional instructions. Self bullying: I can talk to myself with a very harsh tone because nothing else works (that is the logic of this shadow part). Not that bullying works. Humiliated self: for not having a gf, not being independent, having no control over whether to simp over a loose girl failed self: there is a long list of failures Nerdy know-it-all self: this part exists because I thought I needed to be smart to get gf's and friends I will continue to foster interactions between these parts. Since I have been feeling my feelings, understanding/accepting their needs, and letting go of the emotions, I made some progress. I bonded with my current friend because I just shared what was in my heart. And I made two new friends with whom I vibe very well. These are the points that helped me: I opened up my heart, I let go off my fears, choosing my own emotions instead being reactive, I didn't expect anything, and it is just really a matter of moving your physical body to the other person and vibing with that person. I'm really seeing it is just all in my head. I was making it more difficult than it was. I'm seeing right now how important my emotional needs are. They are really really really important. All of my past failures happened because I rejected them and currently I'm heading towards failure if I don't address them. All of my energy is consumed by my unmet needs and I can't focus on my work.

I work in IT. In terms of my life purpose I haven't fleshed out what specifically I want but it will be in IT. Ok, I made notes of all the advice. It is too much to absorb at once. By the way, I can't find anything on Shamanic tapping, do you mean shamanic breathing?

I get it now how important it is to acknowledge my needs. I neglected my emotional needs for too long. I think it is related to power versus force, no? Up to now I try to force it, obviously it didn't work out for me. By the way, I did a trauma release course a while back called RSD transformations and they were talking about leaning into the feelings, letting the emotions run its course in the body and eventually they will disappear. It is kind of related to what you said here. Only issue I have right now is that I have to force myself to do the work to change myself. I rather just sit down and wallow in my misery. I think this is another shadow part of me. This emotionally starved shadow part has been on the forefront since last friday. What I did is I made some video recording of myself letting this shadow part throw a rant. I didn't ask questions though. It is kind of weird to ask myself questions but I will do it on paper. A while back I read the book "internal family systems therapy". It connects to what you said about inquiry the different shadow parts. The problem for me is that I read all these books, apply the theory couple of times, it doesn't work immediately and I just stop with it. My parents never gave me that feeling when I communicated with them. It kind of makes sense why I'm harsh to myself and communicate like that to myself after years of emotional and physical abuse. Agreed. To make a change I really need to make a leap of faith which boils down to self-confidence and discipline. If I don't make the hours to work on myself I will be stuck another 10 years. I can't really afford that. Porn and masturbation isn't bad for normal people but I was heavily addicted. My erectile dysfunction is still somewhat present. It is the main reason why I felt insecure during that date. I really need to obtain from porn but I still can have sex in my book. During the night she told me "I can't stand all night" several times, I think signalling she wanted sex so I should make a move, she rejected me when I did which I don't understand. I think she just felt I was not sure of myself and I wasn't because of my erectile dysfunction. If anything, this date has given me the motivation to defeat my porn addiction for good.

She literally said during out date night: don't try to figure out everything, just go and get it. I don't know what is wrong with me but I'm analyzing everything and I think I can cure myself that way. Obviously that doesn't work. The truth is I just don't know any better. I'm stuck in that paradigm. I noticed that people who don't do self analysis and just go with the flow get much more things done. I doubt "bad boys" do self analysis. They just go out there and get theirs. What do you mean with the last question? By the way I'm currently doing trauma release meditations by RSD transformations

I appreciate the advice in this topic a lot. I studied Sadh ghuru for a month or so and I'm familiar with seeking within what you seek outside. It is going to sound pathetic but nowadays I'm just walking around looking for a woman who can give me the love that my mother didn't give me. I can imagine that women don't find that attractive. Only a weird woman would accept me on those conditions. I think I need a plan. In this topic a lot of resources were given. I think I will make a program for myself for the coming months and get to work. Not trying to seek for momma's love in the outside world is going to be hard though. I'm not sure if I can quite that voice. In the nofap community they give the same exercise to rewire the brain to normal sex instead sex to a screen. I'm not sure if this exercise is going to be good for my mental health if I use the girl that the OP is about for this exercise. I have been trying my own stuff until now and it didn't work. I'm just wasting my time. Currently I don't have a full time job. I'm working as a freelancer so I have a lot of free time. I think the coming 3+ months will be do or die, because after that I will have to find a full time job and it will be difficult to do self-help. I can't play it safe any more.

This shadow part has taken control of me. I get emotional very fast since last friday. Some woman did some kindness to me and I teared up. I think you are right about me misunderstanding shadow work: I have to become present of it and then not be reactive towards it. I'm half way through a book about shadow work. By the way, I don't know how much my porn addiction is responsible for my current emotional state. I have been fighting my porn addiction for the last 4 months. I caved in many times and that had a big impact on me. Only in the last 1,5 months I'm kind of successful of holding my porn addiction off because I didn't want to have erectile dysfunction when I saw her. Perhaps it is smart I will go into therapy too. I have self limiting beliefs like: I have a low IQ that is why I'm stuck with these problems and can't solve them I will never solve these problems I'm too much broken. Time is going fast. Before I fix my problems I will already be too old. Wow, that is a big insight for me. In my vocabulary "accepting" means clinging onto something. So when my shadow parts appeared I accepted them completely. In my book letting go of shadow parts means rejecting myself because why would I let a part of myself go if I accept it? I still don't understand that part. For example if I stop seeking for a gf, it feels like I'm rejecting my basic human need.

@Thestarguitarist14 I got a vague idea that I had fears of being abandoned because of my past but nobody acknowledged it so you acknowledging was great. Perhaps I should also do 1-3 day full meditation challenge to shut my ego down. My brain is in hyper active mode and I'm not solving anything or getting anything done. Yesterday I asked a girl (from a local store) out that I'm flirting with for months now, something I wouldn't do because I'm afraid, and she told me she had a bf. That created another emotional breakdown. This is not healthy. I don't know if I should put it on pause. I'm willing to take massive action/risks but at the same time I'm thinking and acting very toxic. I should bet on self love, self acceptance, self approval and self trust but everyday since friday has been a very unproductive day. I was trying to deny it to myself but I'm totally obsessed with her if I like it or not. Logically I don't want to but emotions don't listen to that. As @Tsuki said I need to go of the non-fiction image/projection I created of her. Currently in a torrent various emotions and I can't think straight.

@tsuki I won't deny I'm fucked up. I'm sick of seeing other people who are mean getting girls and I'm acting out. I wasn't like this before the date. To me it feels not acting out means being stuck where I 'm. Acting out means doing stupid shit but eventually learning from it and transcend. It is not healthy to deny the shadow sides. I know the answer isn't fucking her or making her my gf. I have to seek the answers inside but I'm not smart enough or conscious enough to do that right now. I have to be honest to myself.

We have similar life situations. My youth was just one emotional black hole. Parents were like you mentioned and my grand parents were somewhat emotionally available but they constantly abandoned me. And you are right about me pushing away girls. I have been doing that for a very long time. I'm not stupid and I saw the mechanism at work but I didn't / don't know how to fix it. Yesterday I was in the gym with my buddy. He talked to her female friend. He told me to come and emotions took over and I started acting like weird and afraid. Women pick up on that so fast. They are fine tuned to it.

It doesn't sound cryptic at all. I was thinking the exact same thoughts: girls want something completely different than I thought. I always thought girls liked well spoken and educated guys. I was mistaken. This girl's ex is bipolar, aggressive, weird, egoistic and unlovable in many other ways. How come she loves her and not me? That is driving me crazy. It is not even really about her. I started looking around and I saw girls pick their partners on a completely different criteria than I thought. The rug is pulled under me. Do girls just like confident and needy guys? Can you really boil it to that? Did I tell her about this thread on this forum? That night I told her that it was a mistake that I told her my secrets and showed my sensitive side. Previously she told me it was ok to be vulnerable; it wasn't ok because all those brutal truths turned her off. I told her if I was a bad boy she would have fucked me but because I'm a good guy she won't. She argued against it and eventually saw the truth herself. The day after she texted me to apologize and said she wants to see me again some time. I don't see her as long term material. I saw her as a stepping stone to jump start my dating life. I'm afraid she will just give me pity sex. I'm just going to work on the material that was advices in this topic and see her again, if she wants to see me again. I won't be seeing her again until I'm confident. I will be the bad boy she wants. I really don't know how to acknowledge that what I seek in her. I think I want love, understanding and attention, and especially somebody who I can talk to and who can support me.

When you said "you don't know what you are getting yourself into" what did you mean by saying that? Last couple of days have been an emotional upheaval. I can't be the same person any more. I have been acting very assertive in my life since last friday but I feel I'm going towards the cliff. Because of the last 10 years in emotional isolation I seek the opposite. I depend on a fitness bud and family right now and I'm not happy within my body. There are massive pulls on my body by emotions. Could somebody rephrase the second sentence so I'm sure I understand it. I agree with this. I thought I didn't need relationships for the last 10 years and look where it got me. This morning I was very emotionally unstable and I had to call somebody so they could help me. Somebody who had healthy early-life relationships and especially good emotionally available parents can be independent and not depend on relationships to be happy. Unfortunately I'm not part of that group. I think those people with good early-life relationships don't need emotional satisfaction to be happy so they get it paradoxically.

She is ok to meet up again. I will have to make a choice if I want to be her friend and hide my dick, or that I will let her make a choice; we are either fuckin' or she is out. That night I escalated majorly. Pulled her towards me. Push myself against her. And she told me off. I couldn't even kiss her because she held her chin down every time I tried. At one point she said "come and fuck me" after I said "fuck you" and I rolled my eyes. That was the only chance and I let it roll because I was tired of fit. All of her exes were abusers and she constantly communicated that to me. I think subconsciously signalling that I should be like one of those guys if I want to make a chance. Next time, if we need, I'm just going pull her hair and let her make a choice. I talked about this topic with a friend and he said the same thing: I need to develop self confidence I need to develop self-love; I love her more than myself while she is a low quality woman who subconsciously only attracted to abusers Stop being needy: learn how to seduce I know how to achieve one and two. A lot of resources were given to me in this topic and I made notes. I don't know how to stop being needy; I guess I need other people (like friends) who give me emotional attention so I don't look for it in dates. I read that book years ago. I think I need to reread it again I guess. You are right about not listening to every advice that is given. I don't by the way but I do seem desperate. That is another product of low self esteem I guess. I hope that everything will fall in place if I have my self-esteem figured out. I felt like micro-managing during the date and I still made blunders like giving advice how to deal with her bad boy hookups. WTF was I thinking.

This video is about my life. Only difference is that I don't complain a lot and I have a life purpose. @Thestarguitarist14 I will check that out. Thanks a lot.

My intention was to casually date for some time, get some experience and then look for a long term partner. I get what you are saying about the age thing but it is not like I have options. I just took the options that was presented to me which was a highly educated woman but with low moral standards and with psychological issues. Methods to find a woman On tinder I'm not a success. People don't like my vibe or my pictures although women told me they were surprised I wasn't succesful on tinder. They knew much worse looking guys who were very successful on tinder. So Tinder is not an option to date for me. It is not a good platform anyway. I don't have a social circle so dating through my social circle is not possible. I only know some friends through the gym. Going out is not possible either; corona Day game seems only option I do flirt with some girls in stores and they seem positive but I never made an advance. I will definitely try. I need to take action otherwise my mental health is going to nose dive. I have been thinking a lot but not a lot of action. I stopped porn when me and this girl were texting. Previously before knowing her, I could simply not stop my porn addiction. Therefore I don't really see this date a failed date. She kind of gave me the motivation to stop porn. Now I feel the urge to take action but mentally I don't feel very stable. I will go to therapy very soon because I'm not getting any younger. I always thought these problems would fix itself.

Appreciate it. Personally I look behind the intentions of what is being said. Leo meant it well. When I read back what I wrote, I thought the same thing; I did acted as a gay and not as a man. That is what I was thinking too. Soon I will be 32 and before I know it I will miss the boat. I don't want to date a woman that has children or 30+ years old and a lot on her belt. I'm at an age where I can get 25 year olds and not seem weird. Also I feel like I have lot of emotional baggage. I know there are books, therpary, guided meditations and shamatic tapping but it will take years and years to recover and be a normal person. I'm afraid I will be 50 and suicidal by that time, like you said. I had heavy abuse in my childhood. Especially my toxic mother fucked up my relationship with women I think. I didn't have a lot friends growing up and still don't have it. Perhaps it is too much to recover from that. I don't know anybody who recovered from such a traumatic childhood. Perhaps I shouldn't be casually dating and just have serious dates. Not that I have options really: girls aren't lining up for me.

I know but some part of me still wants to seek the answers out of myself. I will look into those books and methods. I found Leo's advice helpful. I know he has good intentions and his own way of teaching. I wasn't offended for a second. Why do you say "oh damn" is my situation that bad? I took therapy couple of times and they weren't that helpful. Perhaps I wasn't very open at that time. I will try again. It is just a huge financial drain but if I have no choice I have no choice.

@josh jones I'm 31 and I'm not a virgin. I just never had a real gf. I will stop using incel vocabulary from now on although it is going to be difficult. True. I don't have such a support group. I can share stuff with my family but not all. They just know how to deal with it. As for friends: I don't have close friends. I don't know how to make friends. I know how stupid that sounds. It is just my confidence that is the problem. She said I look much better than a lot of guys she dated and those guys are slaying she told me. She dated total losers too. Why? They were jerks and bullies but fun and treated her like crap. I was focusing on the wrong things. It is all about confidence. That is the thing I'm lacking. Confidence in guys is really important for girls. I knew this in theory but now I saw it in practice.

I know. I don't take on the identity. I just find it very difficult to express myself and explain my situation without using such power words.

It has been three days since the date and this is what I'm thinking about it. My external negativity and how I behaved during the date was a reflection of my inner world. Instead of being happy with my first date, and see the positives of having my first date, I only saw the negatives I have already summed up the negative sides of this date: she rejecting me hurt my ego. And especially her saying I was the first guy she didn't sleep with while going home was a punch in my balls Positives of this date: I finally got my first date behind my back. I got a reference experience. I find it easier to talk to other women now. Some additional info I held back in this topic I have a porn addiction and erectile dysfunction. Some part of me didn't want to have sex that night because I'm not fully recovered and there was a big chance I couldn't perform. My dick felt dead that day. Nofap community said that I should tell her about my erectile dysfunction. I didn't. I only told her about my porn addiction. I expected she would understand it because she is a sexually liberated girl but when I look back she wasn't OK with it. She referred back to it multiple times and was shocked a guy like me would have problems like that This woman is highly sexy. I don't want to reveal too much info about her but when you see her she is a sex machine. This girl has all the options and is attracted to bad boys. I tried to look from her perspective and I understand her completely: she wants a guy who is confident and I'm not. I'm highly traumatized, self doubting, and insecure. If I would date her again I don't even know how to act. She says she wants a guy who treats her like a princes. I did. I made her dinner and stuff and she said she never had a treatment like that but when I listen to her stories about her exes she is attracted to bullies and guys who treat her like crap Even right now she doesn't give me a lot of attention although she said wants to meet again but I just know for a fact that she keeps contact with guys who know how to be fun and know how to treat her like crap

I don't know how to solve it though. I read several books on it. It seems that going into relationships and letting things come up is the only way to deal with those traumatic/abusive cycles. Some people on this forum recommended I should focus on enlightenment before relationships. My lack of relationships is poisoning my quality of life, my life purpose and everything else. Sometimes I think I just have a low IQ but my problem lack of attention. I can't focus on work when I'm in an emotional roller-coaster. I can't do enlightenment when I'm starving for intimacy and emotional gratification. Am I wrong on this? Currently I'm reading a book on shadow work and watching some trauma release videos.