StarStruck

Pickup and dating reveals how much resistance I have against life. I don't want to feel all these feelings of fear and possibility of rejection. I thought I manned up after my last breakup but I still feel like a little boy. I guess the only thing I can do is surrender to the moment. Let go of outcome and see where the ship strands. What else could I do? I hate life. I rather go back to my incel life where nobody can hurt me but I would come suicidal when I become old and lonely.

I feel like she will expect sex when I bring her to my apartment.

That is a good point. Sometimes I can be desperate. I thought pulling meant taking her home and having sex with her.

Damn, you are a life safer but my porn recovery will take like 1-2 months. I don't think she will wait long enough if I'm not honest about what happens behind the scenes. I think she is a sexual person but she also likes me.

First I have to recover from my porn addiction. I'm not confident to go to bed with her right now. My dopamine receptors got smashed because of all the porn use during the quarantine. I'm afraid I will get ED.

I know but in the moment it is hard to do it. We were sitting in the park. I could ask her if I could sit closer and it would have been a done deal, and then just size her up to see if she wants a kiss. Doesn't girls want romantic shit? I think, "can I sit closer?" would be a better move.

Do you guys think I should tell her about my porn addiction and that I'm recovering right now. During lockdown I really got into porn and that made me depended on it. I'm in a flat line right now which means my dick isn't functioning. My insecurity to kiss what exactly because of this. I didn't want to pull. @Harlen Kelly @Ghost

Sure thing. There are a lot of good looking women but there are a not a lot of women that look great and also have depth and think about life on a deep level. I feel like there won't be any other girls like her. Meeting girls is not easy for me and getting hotties with brains is even more difficult. It was really thanks to pickup I got her. Without pickup I would never know her. I did some pickup this week and it didn't go well so I'm thinking "she is a dime and I shouldn't lose her". For me bring a girl into my life is like bringing a dynamite in my life. All the flaws in my life and my personality get exposed and I know that if I want her in my life (or any other girl), I need to fix my life.

Something else: the vibe was really good, but at one point it was really good, and it was so natural to kiss her, but the love was so great that if I kissed her I would cry, so I didn't do it.

@Leo Gura I don't have a lot of experience with women. This brings out a lot trauma such as being unloved and not being good with women my entire life. She is a very young cute beautiful girl but she has tattoos. Probably she dated guys that kissed on the first date and fucked on the first date and here I'm on a forum being emotional and worried. I don't have a lot of experiences with dating so I'm a little sympathetic towards myself but it is only a matter of time I will mess this up too. There were couple of instances in the past that girls just lose attraction because of my inertia, incapability and lack of confidence. Pickup and dating really forced me to live in reality. Something I don't like doing. I have always lived in my fairy tale lands where nobody could hurt me. One part of me is grateful for having to know her and another part of me is totally irrational about it. I hate life.

Thank you. I touched her arms couple of times. The only thing I can do is to pretend I'm not needy because I feel very needy. I could do what you said and give her compliments about her knowledge about metaphysics and her amazing presence but I feel like that wouldn't make it male-to-female. That last "3rd one must remain a secret" is good one. I guess I get what you are trying to say: I should keep it light and playful. If there is a next time I just have to go for it I guess. Big chances she lost attraction though. I feel so dumb and useless.

I waited for the perfect moment but that didn't come. I was thinking about a strategy to kiss her on the bench we were sitting but I couldn't find an excuse to get closer. I feel so shitty right now. Our date ended 6 hours ago and it is 6 in the morning right now. I was considering to send a msg like "you looked amazing yesterday" but I don't know.

Next date, if I get one, I will just be man to women, and not have expectations.

Nervousness comes from fear. Fear of loss. Fear of heartbreak. Fear of life. That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. I loved my incel life. These emotions are too much life. I shouldn't resist life but I don't know how. Thanks. I'm in love with her. I know I'm irrational and that I shouldn't be like this.

So this guy was right from the start and people were making fun of him all those years:

Is it possible that there is nothing meaningful for a person? I'm a nihilist.

I did some approaches today. The weather is very hot here and girls dress minimal so I guess they get approached a lot and they have their bitch shields up. Approached 8 girls. Most of them didn't even give me 5 seconds to talk after my opener. With two of them I had a conversation. They were ok but I don't know. It was a disappointing day. I also didn't feel good. I received some bad news from family. The thing is that 8 of these girls that I approached, most of them were coming from opposite direction. It is hard to stop them. I guess they feel my neediness and there is just not enough to let them stick around to see/hear more from me. Anti-magnetic personality There are some times that negativity creeps in and that I should stop with approaching. I'm not really getting the return on investment that I'm expecting. I'm also trying to stop with some addictions and I'm trying not to cave in. I just want to cry or something but I can't. I really want to blame somebody, blame girls for not liking me, blame my parents or downtalk on myself. From time to time I'm doing that but that is not really going to solve the problem. Doing the hard work everyday will help me. It is really an inner struggle. I'm not even fully aware what is going on but what I know is that I lost my magnetism. I don't have that grounded presence any more. With my last set I did got a slight taste of that but I was really tired and I went home. Freestyle game is not working out Since two weeks or something I'm doing free-style. I read so much theory of pickup that I thought it would be a good idea just to shoot from the hip. It is not a good idea. I really need to structure my PUA endeavours. Think about it systematically. Currently I suck at opening-hooking. I should focus on that. Nail that and then move on. Actually last two weeks I was just focusing on my body and what happens in my body during an approach, trying to relax but I'm totally missing the calibration. I really need to go back to the drawing board and do PUA with systematic thinking and doing. It is just laziness really. When I'm feeling down and I'm doing pickup, I have to be aware what I'm doing, am I just doing pickup to feel better with myself? I have to admit that I'm doing that and it is toxic. Reasons why I'm doing pickup The reason I'm doing pickup is to get better with women, get sex, grow emotionally and intellectually, become a master of my own mind and body. The last one is really important. I'm learning so much about myself when doing pickup. Things I noticed of my body/mind: I'm starting to notice how I hold my breath just before an approach Becoming aware of my own emotional state through interactions with others, it really exposes them, I wouldn't become aware of them if I didn't expose myself to pickup Become aware of pressure/release, holding onto and letting go vibes Wrong templates I have about the world, problems with aligning myself with the truth There is deep unconscious fear inside of my personality The bottom line is this: I'm expecting a girl to make me happy. It is a recipe for disaster. I'm so confused and I'm trying to understand but I'm putting too much on my plate. This goes back to my point that I made earlier, I just have to have a systematic approach and do the work but having a meta-view of myself is equally important. Vicious cycle of inertia I'm really going into the core of my personality here. Why can't I be happy with myself? Because I can't get girls. Why can't I get girls? Because I'm not the guy that girls like. Why is that? Because I have to do the work but I'm not doing that. Why is that? Because I'm not happy with myself. Do you see what is happening with myself? I'm in a vicious cycle. Nothing is more frustrating that being stuck in a circle! I lack consciousness! What I get is this: I must have patience. Have trust in myself. Surrender myself to the process. Become conscious of my feelings. Directing those feelings into a direction and take action. Love the process, myself and the world. Remember, one day it will all be over. And everything will be forgotten, like it never happened. I have to not forget that I have to love myself. That is really the engine of this work. Because why else would I would put in the struggle to motorboat myself out of this vicious cycle of inertia and negativity? Will she meet me tonight? Tonight, I will have a date with that blonde girl. She said she would be available but she hasn't confirmed the date so it is not set in stone. Now you would say, you are so frustrated about your pickup journey, and now you say you perhaps have a date tonight? Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should be thankful that there is at least one girl interested in me.

This kind of games reveal how fast I get irritated, frustrated and show that I'm not really smart. ?

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-integrated-Well-being-Personal-Growth-Self-Confidence/dp/1118509137 It is a two month weekly program. It basically discusses the same material discussed on actualized dot org psychology/mindfulniess videos but in a much structured and programmed way. This book is not a sit-back-and-read-kind-of-book. You really have to do the exercises. I like actualized dot org content but I miss the structure and it is kind of chaotic and difficult to connect the dots if there are so many videos and no crumb trail. This program does it wonderfully. The author connects psychology and spirituality in a wonderful way. I'm still busy with this book.

Some girls can be really rude. I do get it and I don't take it personal but it does mold me into being an arrogant dick. And women should not take it personal if I become one. All girls must like me paradigm sucks. Really if they are not my gf I shouldn't care. Why do I even care? I don't have a good answer. Addition: being an arrogant prick is not a magic pill. Being an arrogant prick is the male version of the bitch shield. It is needed armor to thrive in the sex market.

This is such a major point: Women feel what you feel!!! Also It is not about the right "gesture" alone but also about the balance. Game is similar to surfing.

Use NLP to program your lower needs aka animal desires. That is what really helped me.

Agreed, there is also a wrong way of doing self-amusement though like laughing out of nervousness or being a clown to get approval.

If I was an alien I would use reverse psychology.