RickyBalboa

I've always struggled to understand where people are coming from when they state that someone 'deserves' something. Whether it be some form of punishment or a reward. An example could be someone who has committed a crime and then at some later date ends up falling prey to some unfortunate circumstance. It baffles me how many people will say things like "Good! It was much deserved after all they did to so and so". Firstly, I never have understood how wishing harm on a person can be anything other than hypocritical. You lamented at the idea of someone suffering, then you revel in the thought of another person suffering? It's just not consistent. It always brings fourth images of people from long ago being held in stocks while townspeople are encouraged to berate and throw stones at them. Does it not dawn on these people that by engaging in this way, that they have brought themselves closer in form to the very thing they are expressing hate against? As far as earning goes, it seems to be pretty arbitrary. Why one man deserves to be in a mansion while another on a curbside is just completely lost on me. I see people so readily able to justify matters of what is and isn't deserved so quickly, and where who does and doesn't belong in the world. They do it without so much as a hiccup if whether what they are saying makes any sense. I might just be dumb, but my brain really gets hung up on stuff like that. My brain just can't compute when people go on a spiel about 'deserving' things. Maybe someone can clear up my confusion on this matter. Am I tapping into something fundamental important by being confused by this trope in human behavior?

I'd been reading Ralstons The Book of Not Knowing and been doing a lot of yoga and gada training. I've been making a real attempt to bring a calm energy over myself in opposition to my very anxious and shifty energies from my past. While I feel the benefits of being more energetically grounded. I notice that this really can have a profound effect on those around me. Some good some bad. I've made it a point to interact with very little pretense and have very few thoughts running through my head when conducting business out and around in public. What I never anticipated though was how thoroughly uncomfortable I could make certain types of people with this. Really. It's quite incredible the degree to which I am seeing people knee-jerkingly roll eye's, fake smile, vomit statement's completely out of line with how they are feeling, Just to sustain the mask of behavioral social righteousness. It's truly incredible. My interactions went from rushed diarrhea statements from a pool of about 30 possible phrases and a narrow range of interaction types. To a more relaxed. and wide open river of possible statements. The range of interactions has become so much more diverse. Either it goes really peacefully, and has warm gracious energy, or can span all the way to the other end of the spectrum to this really ugly kurtz and dismissive attitude from the other person. I have to admit, those really feel nasty and my already high level of sensitivity does not respond well to it. But as each of those interactions passes me, I unbiasedly pick apart what happened and why. The answer I mostly come up with is with that the other person almost ALWAYS has a preset notion of what the interaction is 'supposed' to be, and then judge me for not complying with their preconceived notion. Ultimately leading me to the conclusion that they themselves are very rigid, locked in, and scared. Why else would you need to make such rash negative judgements in the midst of an interaction other than to convince themselves "Yes, I am definitely in the right here, and the better person, because the face and tone of voice I used CONFIRMS IT". The level of delusion in these people is incredible. They reference themselves as if as long as they act or speak in a way toward a person. That that event in itself is the proof of their conclusion. Initial Impression = Evidence. Its totally nuts. I don't socialize much, but I make it a point to be more open to "not knowing" and can see just how radically it can change ones living experience in a society obsessed with pretending to know. Other people who have made the shift from being completely riddled with anxiety to welcoming an open and life accepting energy in their life. How have you(especially highly sensitive individuals) maintained your ability to stay on this path in the face of all the individuals who judge and condemn you for not "playing the game" and not conducting yourself in a quick paced and presumptuous attitude that is perceived as conducive to modern public communication?

@Ajax Considering my goal is not not operate on pre-conceived patterns. Or at least operate on them less so. I feel like these things are already a step too far. I don't want to come into situations already loaded with habits I believe are going to set the situation in specific directions that one would hope for. Smiling is very often a thing we do out of expectation. Which is very much so the case in America. There is tremendous amount of pressure to always smile if you want to climb any sort of ladder in this country. It seems like a complete contradiction. Out of fear of what will happen if we don't smile, we smile. I hold it true that you can be quite at peace and not be showing any ill to anyone walkiung into a conversation without a smile. I think smiles will materialize naturally when your curiosity becomes piqued. I find that I smile very often at the many micro-epiphanies I will continuously have in any given moment. To tell myself to "be warm and kind" with the hope that it will gain me some sort of advantage is the kind of inauthenticity I am trying to release my grasp from. I hope I'm making sense here. Yes, I'm guilty just as much as any person that I'm making critiques of. However, my goal is to weaken that muscle that makes me react in this very way. For example. I was sitting in a lobby today waiting for a ride to come pick me up. I got up to stroll around the lobby a bit as my legs began to get tired from the sitting. I turn to find an employee staring at me from their small office. My initial reaction was to quickly dart my head away, but I did not. I just kept my gaze. Until maybe another 3 seconds passed. Still being stared it. There it came, that discomfort. "Why is this person continuously staring at me? If they had a concern, surely they would say something to me by now. Nope, still staring. I ended up making a face back at him instinctively, that I can describe as 'whats going on here bud?' ". As I continuously strolled along, the door frame interjects our eye contact, and I see the receptionist who was just talking to me earlier looking at this guy in confirmation as if to say "See, how weird this fellow is". It struck my injustice/conspiracy trigger that I developed in school by always being ganged up on by others. I'm glad that I was at least conscious of what made me get upset. But I still reacted negatively. I ended up saying aloud "Should I leave?" Is it a problem that I'm waiting for my ride here?" The girl quickly rushes out with her fake business voice, claiming that "He didn't know if I needed assistance" The inauthenticity was just oozing. She couldn't just be honest about how they were judging me because of course that 100% goes against how they are supposed to interface with the customer. I have a really hard time dealing with anyone who is doing business as there is always a pre-tense involved. They act as if their whole existence is predicated on keeping that position. It leads to massive amounts of inauthenticity. I want to work on not reacting to other peoples layers and layers of expectations of "normal behavior" not get to me. It seems the less reactive I become, the more weirded out these completely loaded with opinions types spew their negativity toward me. You would think being overbearing and overtly rude would be the thing that upsets these people. But no, being less of a self and allowing them more breathing room just seems like fertle soil for them to attack you so they can feel better about themselves. I want to work on not reacting to other peoples layers and layers of expectations of "normal behavior" not get to me. It seems the less reactive I become, the more weirded out these completely loaded with opinions types spew their negativity toward me. I want to be free of feeling others scorn as I know its rooted in insecurity. Our collective insecurity is what spurs the whole scenario in the first place. Their fear of me. My fear of them fearing me. I'm just looking for others experience with this and how they push through to being authentic whilst not being at the mercy of other peoples selfish attacks.

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9 I scored the highest in vanity but I think those questions are fundamentally flawed. 1. My body is nothing special. - My body IS special, and so if everyone elses. I like to look at my body. - I do like to look at my body because its an incredible thing, along with everyone elses. One is assumed to be narcissitic while the other is not. 2. I like to look at myself in the mirror. - I like to look at myself in the mirror because it's useful tool for self awareness (works well with yoga as an exteroceptive tool) I am not particularly interested in looking at myself in the mirror. - Not caring at what other people have to look at all day is pretty narcissitic if you ask me.

I did Kareoke for the first time last week, and this was the song I chose. Im very proud of myself for stepping up on that stage and belting this one out. It took a lot of courage.

Today, I was bombarded with a chemical smell I can only imagine was the product of party outside of myself. I became slightly irritated as it distracted me from what I was doing. I then briefly wished to not have to experience stimulus outside of my scheduled activities unprompted (yes, silly and selfish...I know). It made me realize how novelty is completely relative and dependent on the subjects prior experience. With that said, I'm temped to say that god could experience the exact same feeling of novelty. However, I would be faced with a contradiction. God wouldn't have reason to keep itself in motion(our collective experience of reality), for all possibilities would not bring fourth anything new. Thus no reason for existence in the first place. I so often hear the idea that "existence is the product of god being tired/bored of oneness". If god were omniscient, there would be no reason to set the billiard balls in motion to see if it happens as it would intuit. Unless of course you could chalk up reality as its Imagination and not really happening at all. I've pooped myself into a corner on this. Any insight on the matter god/gods?

Your second question relies on answering your first. The outcome of that answer is gonna determine how to go about doing the second. The idea of immature/mature are relativistic and arbitrary. Mature just means fully developed or fully grown. Who is the authority on that maturity? Identifying why you asked the question in the first place might prove useful in this situation.

Go visit r/getmotivated. There is no shortage of absolutely ridiculous quotes. Many of which masquerading as noble and empowering while actually propagating toxic and selfish values at the cost of others.

Cool Strangeloop Video game for Virtual Reality Consoles. Really cool that somebody made this concept a core mechanic of a VR game.

If anything, Leo's opening statements might have been a bit too general and sweeping. If he approached the topic with a bit more finesse it probably would have prevented a large portion of people getting triggered. I'm not gonna lie. A few of his statements struck a nerve in me, but being patient and sticking it out 'til the end proved to be worth it.

Yes. As great as this place is, if more of this kind of unwarranted kind of banning takes place, i'll be too sickened by the level of hypocrisy to want to come back. Hoping we don't see more committed members with valuable insights be tossed away for such trivial matters. To answer your original question. I've hit a place where I'm fairly certain I'm gonna have a challenging ride despite dose or how i'm feeling about my life. So even taking those into consideration is kind of pointless. I realize this isnt the case with everyone though. So for noobs especially, I would consider playing it safe dose, set and setting wise.

@BlackMaze I can't locate my head after listening to that.

Skip to 4:39 David Blaine performs magic for group of young men in Haiti. It's not understood as entertainment and instead is taken for harmful voodoo.

9/27/2020 Time for a short anecdote. Yesterday was my first time trying vr. My friend bought a Valve index headset with controllers and bases for 1000$. It came in and he asked me to come over to give it a spin. I was very impressed. Sure it wasn't 100% indistinguishable from reality, but we are still pretty early in the development of this tech. It looked rather good despite that. I maybe played around in this environment in a 3.5 x 3.5 meter space for probably a good hour and when I came out the use of my thumbs while using my phone felt not quite as real anymore. The use of my body almost felt like a simulation. In a way it made me really appreciative my immediate environment in non-vr space. Reality experienced in human form alone is incredibly beautiful and it shouldn't take exploring a vr environment to realize that. The defining factor in what makes our reality feel so boring at times is it's static nature. The vr gives you the opportunity to explore new spaces without the pain of lengthy travel and spending money per mile traveled. I'm rambling but the real reason I wanted to put this down on text was because of what happened to me later that night after I went to sleep. So maybe 5 hours later I went to sleep. I ended up falling asleep on the ground next to my gf with the lights on. What happened next is a bit hard to explain but basically what happened was I pushed my body upright with one hand and with the other I reached over at my gfs face and began poking it to see what would happen. There is alot of picking up and touching of objects in the vr environment via the controllers that can sense the opening and closing of your hands. So in my strange state of what people call 'confusional arousal', I was testing the reality of my gfs form. Here is the kicker though, while I was aware of what I was doing, there was no Rickybalboa to speak of in this state. It was like my normal everyday identity was COMPLETELY absent from my actions. That part of my brain was offline. It took me going back to sleep and then waking up a few minutes later to realize "wtf, what just happened? I remember doing that to my gfs face and can sort of put together that I was doing it because my experience with vr earlier in the day. But the inability to identify with my self as Rickybalboa or acknowledge my gf as her typical role in my life is really perplexing". I stayed up the next hour reading about people who have experienced the same thing. This is how I came upon the term within parasomnia disorders known as confusional arousal. Reflecting back on my life, I have definitely had this happen before. But usually there was less action and more just staring around the room in confusion while not really knowing who, what, where I am. One of those times unfortunately being near the ending of the Evil Dead when all the zombies are melting and exploding. That was fuckin weird, and kinda traumatizing. Apparently it's very common in children but does still happen in some adults. Really, the thing that intrigued me the most was the combination of this event and the obvious effect my vr experience had on my actions in said state. There was just enough awareness present to realize I had the power to interact with my environment and enough to question "Is this environment and creature next to me real? Can I touch it?". Only thing that was missing was my identity and all my memories of what brought me to where I was. So fuckin strange and in a sense enlightening. So easily I forget all the things that come together that allow me to function as a human being in the present moment. How much my memories are central to making sense of what is around me. Imagine what living in that strange state perpetually would be like. Being perpetually confused about where I am and not holding memory beyond the past few seconds ago. It felt like what I would imagine insect consciousness would be like. Not knowing what I am but endlessly trying to meet mybasic needs at all moments of the day up until the moment of my death. I really don't know what to do with this experience. Incredibly interesting but It can't be filed like my other experiences, it just doesn't fit in any category or folder the same way other experiences do. That is all.

The Struggle To Free Myself From Restaints.....mp3 All statements below are not meant to be taken seriously by anyone, not even me. These are simply the ramblings of a madman. TO NO ONE, FROM NO ONE. 9/16/2020 I feel myself at odds. I put fourth my efforts to be less hateful, more understanding, more neutral, less egoic, less emotionally turbulent. I come to the conclusion that these traits will be reflected in others the more I embody them only to come up disappointed at the lack of evidence supporting such a theory. I've changed the way I use my words to have more instances of "sometimes, tends to, perhaps, maybe" as to not make sweeping generalizations or stir up conflict. Despite this it seems there are individuals who will respond by projecting their own negative interpretations of my ideas and throw them back at me amplifying them to preposterous degrees despite putting my most sincere efforts fourth in being respectful and trying to encourage effective dialogue. I question whether my efforts have been worth it. Should I simply push forward with a heavy hand and make every interaction a battle to the death of being the winner. Using my ego as a chain-mail, hurting others with my quarter-baked ideas no matter the cost. Is there truly less pain in making thoughtful attempts at mitigating my personal suffering. I can mitigate the pain from using more compassionate self-talk, but to love myself and then try to love others the same and then be vulnerable to their attacks seems like a never-ending loss. I feel like an emotionally blunted human as it is. How much more can shirk off feelings to the point I don't even feel upset by interactions such as these? I can see myself, so sensitive, so self-important. Why does it matter that a portion of the population is dead set on hurting me/others ? Would a truly impartial person even bother to type out such an insignificant concern? Is my insistence on putting this in text a testament to how egoic I actually AM? Am I ultimately helping ANY form of life in this? Is this line of questioning and the sense of futility that comes along with it an attempt at curtailing my responsibility of working out the kinks of my inner mind? Which intuition is correct? Which voice do I listen to? You've clearly gone mad. Take a break.... clear your god damn head.

I watch this one every now and then. Excellent example of Toxic Blue

9/22/20 Its astonishing how the feeling of embarrassment is not limited to being in the presence of others. I can feel quite embarrassed being on my own. The question is if that shame (in the presence of no one) is an invention of my own or a construct of society which was programmed into me a long time ago. Even if it was the latter, could it really have been programmed into me without my permission first? Only I can give permission for some pattern to take a hold of me. I guess the distinction here would be conscious permission or unconscious permission. If that distinction does exist then a majority of my programming must have been unconscious and been readily absorbed during lower levels of development when I was much less capable of making distinctions. So in that sense, I can't really be held responsible until I became conscious of said shame and realizing I hold the keys to release it from myself. That time is now. It may not have been my fault, however it is now my responsibility to fix it. If I am responsible for releasing this long held pattern, then I am equally responsible for asking myself whether it is truly a necessary emotion to go through. My first instinct is to tell myself this is a BAD emotion. It leads to hang-ups in my decision making and frames myself as a victim. If I had to be neutral and try to note examples of why shame is in fact GOOD. My immediate answer would be that It stops me from committing the most heinous crimes known to man. Rape, murder, and theft are all acts I could commit with more ease If I did not feel shame. They are the most direct paths one could take to getting their base needs met. So upon such reflection, it seems my shame serves more good to others than it is bad for me. The worst of shame is a brief activation of the sympathetic nervous system causing an unpleasant sensation in the organs and potentially a feedback loop of shame/anxiety depending on how I respond in the presence of others. But again, who is responsible? Is any one individual other than me responsible for the potential feedback loop of negativity I exhibit as a result of the initial shame? Obviously not, but the ego has it's own thoughts on the matter. The ego will quickly blame society for whatever feelings It experiences and the uncomfortable impulses that ensue (fight,flight,freeze)that could potentially hurt social status further. Thus reinforcing the loop more. So the big question here is how can one mitigate their response to shame and manage them to where they reap the benefits of not doing harm to others or self, but also not have to cower in a pit of their own suffering? I DONT KNOW

Jesus Christ dude, I feel like I could have written that verbatim. I don't have any advice, because if I did have any answers for you, I would be applying them to my own life. Wishing you the best of luck and letting you know you aren't alone.