Raptorsin7

Terrible day of games. I got over some anxiety about playing ranked, but the games were a mess. I'm fucking so bad it hurts. I was toxic af raging at my teammates. Not a good day of playing at all. I'm just lost in a lot of these games. No idea what I should be doing, or how to make stuff happen. I fall behind in some games, and i'm basically just hoping my team carries me or something. It's a fucking mess. I want to actually have fun. I WANT to like playing, today was a fucking grind and not really enjoyable at all.

@ElenaO Yeah I guess I could message her again. Honestly, I assumed when she stopped responding I thought she was over the conversation. I'm very picky with girls so I think when I find someone I tend to get attached. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, so it could be for the best and i'll find someone else when I improve as a person.

@Nahm How do I let go of conditions?

Current rank: Gold 2. Goal rank is challenger. I have a lot of resistance towards playing ranked. Idk I just get anxious and would rather play non ranked, but I know that playing ranked consistently is how i'm going to improve.

@Nahm What happens when theres nothing you want that produces good feeling. I cant think of anything that in the having of it I'd be happy if feel good. Should i write on the board I want to to want things that feel good to me?

I'm also trying to meet someone using dating apps and had a similar thing happen. I was talking to this girl for a few days and the conversation was great. She told me she was doing psychedelics one day, and haven't heard from her since haha. I felt emotions for her before we even met and idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing tbh. Good luck, I hope you find someone.

@Leo Gura Female or Female(s)? What are you looking for in a partner at this point? I imagine at your stage if you found someone with similar values it could be enough to settle down? Or do you still see yourself having multiple partners in the future before you settle down?

@electroBeam Yeah I am. But what you said about relationships already supposes that fact.

@electroBeam You're projecting your experience onto me home skillet. I don't want that to be my fate.

@LfcCharlie4 Thanks for the insight man. I'm worried about me losing attraction to her tbh. That's my biggest concern with the girl i'm talking to at the moment. She's great and I really like her so far, but what if in the future I meet someone else and i'm more attracted to this other person. Is it possible to choose my own partner as the most attractive person in the world? Ideally everyone we are with would be the person we want most, but I have a nagging feeling that at some point in the relationship I might try to trade up, it's part of a shadow side of me that wants to be the best at everything. So i'm worried that means finding someone who has all the good qualities of my current partner, plus x, y, or z. But that game will never end because I can do that with every person I date too lol.

@LfcCharlie4 What role did attraction play in the break up? I've been thinking about this topic recently, and i'm worried that when I get into a relationship I won't find my gf attractive anymore, or i'll find other woman more attractive. Was this an issue in your relationship, or was the breakup unrelated to how much you guys were attracted to each other?

I'm talking to a girl on Hinge and it's making me think a lot about relationships. This girl is very attractive, but I wouldn't consider her very sexy. Like she's smart, conscious, and very conventionally attractive and I can really see myself in a relationship with her but i'm afraid i'll get bored of her, or i'll just want someone more sexually attractive. It's an interesting problem, but it's largely self created misery here. This girl is really quite impressive, and I really want to pursue this. Either way I can. If I end up in a happy relationship in love then it'll be amazing. If I find I don't like her then i'll know in the future that I am attracted to different things. If she rejects me then i'll be humbled haha. It's all good. I can't lose here.

I wonder what is preventing me from breaking through. On the LSD I felt a break through, so I know it's real, and it was the most amazing experience of my life, at least as far as I remember. I assumed everything would be different after that, and although in many ways my life is different, I haven't been able to get back to that state of being. I felt good, amazing even. I want to feel good and amazing all the time, but most of the time i'm just numb. Maybe I need a dopamine detox? Maybe I need to exercise more? Idk.

How do you feel amazing though? I find this is my biggest struggle. My mood is always dull and numb, I can't get to a great feeling place. The only time I can reliably improve the way I feel is with LSD.

I'm working on being a pro when it comes to executing my life purpose. I'm currently climbing rank in league of legends and i'm making some good progress, but still no genuine flow and joy in the game. I'm improving and the game is starting to become very clear, but i guess i'm doing something wrong because there's no flow and joy in playing. Feeling pretty stuck with respect to my growth. I'm making some progress, like i'm doing practices, i just started doing concentration practice everyday, but no break throughs into the god tier feeling like i got with the LSD. I want to start doing trips again, i haven't done one in a few months now. Not sure when i will do it but, i still have a lot of LSD left which is good.

@Raphael Great post on love vs discipline. So much truth. Love and you will never have to worry about discipline.

@ivankiss How did you transcend judgement

@zeroISinfinity You project your struggles onto seekers in general. Just because you struggle doesn't mean that all will struggle.

@zeroISinfinity Why doesn't Jed say the same thing? You say its rough and harsh, he said ite the best case scenario for life. Isnt he awakened too? I've never once heard him warn me of the stuff you speak about with enlightenment

@trenton Hey good luck on your path to mastery in chess. I'm currently going for challenger in league of legends so I can relate.

Love to @zeroISinfinity. When is this guy getting mod status? I will hunger strike until this injustice is addressed.

@John Doe What kind of kriya yoga do you do?

@Nahm @LfcCharlie4 I got my first transmission yesterday. You'll defs be hearing from me about in the coming weeks. I'm either going to going off about how amazing it is, or I'm going to sink Nahm out of spite ?

Which of these processes resonated with you? I've yet to be able to hit the highest tier on the emotional scale using the techniques in the book. It seems like they work well when you already feel great and want to re-kindle the feeling, but for getting to a good feeling place I haven't been able to have success.

@ElenaO Wow thanks so much. Great insights. I am also not a cryer in everyday life, but I really want to start crying because I think the emotional release is important. I will try that link and report back.