Raptorsin7

@Galyna What led you to experience the nothingness? What les up to the realization? How did you know when you got "it"?

@Nahm My attitude is the most toxic part of me. When I read postings about required character traits I just realize that I'm the exact opposite of who anyone would want to hire. I'm not even super interested in lab work, it's just one of the few things I have actual credentials for. Its always the same question, how do I become the kind of person who takes responsibility, works hard, has a good attitude etc when right now I'm a million miles from that guy

@Mu_ Honestly I'm really hung up on the victim mindset. I do feel sorry for myself, and there's just of parts of my psyche that are completely toxic. I don't know if I just have to give it time or what, but I've been stuck in this pattern for months now and although I do want to be better, theres no real drive or committment to improve. @Leo Gura I'd say right now I take no responsibility for my life, but i if I'm going to move forward this is the area that really needs to change. Part of me doesnt know how to, the other part is afraid of the work and pain that I'd go through to actually take that responsibility.

@DrewNows I checked it out and it was pretty accurate in describing where I'm at. Theres a lot of people in this generation who are struggling with what I'm doing through now, and I have thought big picture if I solve this I'd likely just try and help others with this @Jacob Morres Thanks for the support. I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now, and I was speaking to a psychologist but I now have to find someone I can speak to less frequently. @Preety_India I agree, I'm struggling with changing it but without some basics foundation it's hard to make progress I guess.

@electroBeam Can you delegate your main responsibilities to a manager or a partner? It sounds like you're either developing schizophrenia or having a series of major awakenings, but in either case maybe try to stabilize your life so you don't wake up in a few months and regret what happened during this period.

I have a bachelor's degree in biology, but the only work i can get is maybe some part time lab work but i sucked at labs in school. I feel like my degree is useless and isn't really helpful at all in terms of finding a job. I basically don't want to do anything besides hide in my house and play video games and eat junk food. The thought of just getting a normal job makes me feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I just feel kinda fucked and hopeless, i'm getting on antidepressants so hopefully it helps me feel a bit better.

@electroBeam Okay i'll give this a shot. So the main purpose of this is just to visualize the absolute greatest version of myself, and try to picture and feel how he would respond to my life? I feel like i'm engaging in fantasy/delusional thinking when i do this.

@Leo Gura Do know of resources or people who are best to figure out how to go from A-L

@electroBeam How do you connect with the heart of you're emotionally disconnected?

Does anyone have experience with personality disorders. I understand it's a spectrum disorder and there's lots of overlap between different disorders. I find i have lots of narcissistic and boarder line tendencies, and i'm curious if other people here have noticed these traits in themselves or they know friends/family with these features.

@Leo Gura How do you bust limiting beliefs?

I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I do believe i'm disconnected from my feelings so i have difficult recognizing what i'm feeling. I wonder if what i feel is just fear. Fear of shame, fear of guilt. Fear of getting a job. Fear of taking responsibility. But i don't feel the visceral fear that comes up when i'm around heights, or in a tense situation. I never faced my fears growing up, i just hid and ran away from scary situations. Even now i'm just sitting at home, afraid to face the world and get my life going.

I'm going to start recording my feelings, according to the AH emotional scale. I guess the goal is to develop more emotional intelligence, but we'll see how this plays out.

I have to find some way through this. I don't want to be this person. But i feel defeated at the moment. On the positive side, i noticed that when i crank my shoulders back and extend my heart during meditation it makes the sessions more enjoyable. I feel my shoulders hunched as we speak and i think this plays a role in the low self esteem and unhappiness of the mind. The body mind connection.

The more miserable and psychotic i become, the more my third eye starts pulsing. I hope it pops open and i gain some siddhi or something that helps me get out of this jam. I feel so angry today. I went to volunteer, and i felt so out of place and cut off. I was already shy before my break down, now i have even less self respect and self worth. I used to never care about the question of what do you do, now i feel the shame. I remember a guy at my yoga was unemployed, and i was talking to a guy and we both said what we do, and the unemployed guy had to step out of the change room. I could tell how embarrassed he was to say he was unemployed. I hate my parents so much. I hate myself so much too. I felt like a psycho while i was volunteering, angry depressed people who are antisocial are not good for society. My mind is so fucking dark it's incredible. It's funny because i have so much awareness of this stuff, but it's like i'm just riding shotgun with a devil. I am literally a devil right now. It's amazing how ill equipped I am to deal with the world. I have no resiliency, no work ethic, no social skills, no motivation, no drive. I'm envious of everyone. Lol this is hilarious. I live in fantasy land. La la land in my mind, the shit i thought was going to happen is not fucking happening. Maybe someone will make a spiritual technique to deal with disillusioned angry young men haha. Cure this madness and you'll make billions.

Does anyone have thoughts or experience on moving from stage red to a healthy stage blue. I have a large blue shadow where i have issues with responsibility, maturity, self esteem, etc and i'm curious if other people went through this in their adult life. I'm starting to see that most people must have gone through this developmental stage in childhood or teen years, but i'm trying to figure this stuff out now at 24, and it's been very difficult as someone who's been narcissistic, and spoiled most of my life.

@zeroISinfinity No worries, i know you just want what's best for me.

@zeroISinfinity Virgo

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me. I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess. I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows.

Mental breakdowns are sad. I take out so much on my parents, they are doing everything in their power to help me but i get some sick satisfaction out of displaying my misery to them, and blaming them for my upbringing. I'm having some self harming/suicidal thoughts, but i wonder how long it would take to develop to actual planning and serious thoughts/attempts. I lack empathy for other people, and i have whatever causes a person to develop a personality disorder. I believe the core is lack of self love, and being myself. I don't feel love for anyone or anything, and i'm assuming that well adjusted people in the world, are that way because of the love they feel for themselves and others. My psychoanalyst warned me about wanting a quick fix, but is the desire to be my true self, the goodness and love, is that a quick fix... idk. I just feel stuck, and even making a tiny move seems pointless, but that's what keeping me stuck. I want to be other than what i am right now. I feel like a weirdo having a mental breakdown, i feel like on this forum especially i'm the most fucked up. I want to be a well-adjusted, happy guy. But the gap between where i want to be, and where i am seems insurmountable. I still feel these sensations in my head, maybe that's the key to this. Relax the sensations, release emotions, and feel good as myself. That's my deep hope to be honest. My hope is that it's that simple. Relax the head, cry and release a lot emotions, and then feel good and take on life in a different direction. Just looking at it, it sounds delusional. Millions of people suffering from illness, and all i gotta do to make it is relax my head.

I feel the insides of my cheek and sensations in my forehead. I feel a sense of grief and sadness, i can sort of bring out a subtle feeling of sadness when i just bring attention to how I feel. But it never lasts long enough for a full emotional release. Note: I'm stuck in a rut of negative thoughts throughout the day, and i'm making virtually no progress in life at the moment. I'm going to start meditating again, and the goal is to practice immediately after waking up. Throughout this entire depressive period of my life, i've yet to wake up and immediately meditate so let's hope that makes a difference.

@Zigzag Idiot Reading these articles has made me re-consider my decision to get on meds to be honest. But i also wonder if what i'm going through is really a kundalini awakening, or is this just depression resulting from me growing up in a way that made me lazy, entitled, spoiled, narcissistic, and lacking of resilience. I definitely feel some energy and unique sensations in my spine when i meditate, but it's pretty subtle. And this odd sensation in my face that i feel deeply has grown in recent months, but i really don't know what to make of this stuff. The book listed a number of practices to engage in to facilitate the awakening, and I am not engaging in any of those. Meditation is about the only practice that i don't feel resistance to starting and that i'm willing to pick up again, but the idea of raw food diet, daily yoga, etc just seems so far off from where i'm at. I do feel like meds are not a solution to my problems here. At best i was hoping they could be used to bring up my mood, so that the above practices etc would be easier to undertake and i would become more functional. But if the meds would prevent the meditation etc from working and allowing me to transition into another phase of life/being then i'd be worried.

I got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 by my psychiatrist. I explained my ups and downs over the past few years, and he was pretty confident in diagnosing me. He told me it's a life long medical illness, and i got prescribed a mood stabilizer, lamotrigine. He was pretty adamant that the highs, and grandiose ideas like my website, were indicators of the illness but i think he overemphasized the biological portion of the illness. I obviously have issues, and I think i was on a high, triggered by my "breakthrough" psychedelic trip, but my highs and lows really aren't that bad, i'm just a weak and undisciplined person who failed to manage himself and so things got out of hand. I feel like so much of what's wrong in my life is related to character, personality, ego etc and i highly doubt that popping some pills will solve my problems and make everything better. But given that i'm basically having a mental breakdown now it couldn't hurt to try meds and see how I feel. Ideally i could stay on meds for the near future until i get my life together, and then once my life is in a good place i could wean myself off. If i can grow up and mature, my highs are very manageable and could be an asset in something i pursue in the future. The vipassana retreats near me are opening up so that's a positive development. The closest one i can do is in October which is pretty far away, but at least i'll be able to be on meds for a bit before i sign up. I know that they ask about mental history and i'm hoping that i'm not turned away because of the diagnosis. My symptoms and condition are pretty mild, and given the fact i've spent multiple hours in silence in float tanks before i hope they don't see it as a problem. If the retreat goes well then maybe i can do retreats frequently for the near future while i try to get my life together. I basically have all the time in the world, and I could do 10 day retreats almost every month. I guess it's a spiritual bypass of my life's problems, but i think if i really learn to meditate and stabilize attention it could make it easier to get things sorted out in my life. I'm lost and i've withdrawn socially, but i hope that things get better. Thing is though, i don't want to take action or responsibility. I'm comfortable just going through the motions, and i don't think anything will change as long as i'm like this. But i don't see this changing anytime soon. I might end up being like 45 and just living off my parents, not taking responsibility, being a deadbeat etc. As sad as that would be, it's equally sad that i'm like this at 24 and I have no drive or motor to change things. If i don't change then hopefully something kills me in the process. I've had suicidal thoughts recently, but nothing i'd consider serious. I don't know if i'm the kind of person who could actually follow through on an attempt, but the way i'm living is a complete disaster and i'd rather god end this life early if this is what it's going to be.

@ardacigin How long did it take you to reach this place? Do you think this level of attention and equanimity can be reached through just long hours of meditation, or do you think what's going on in a person's life like relationships, career, maturity etc could impact their ability to achieve this state? Achieving stable equanimity and joy throughout the day sounds like a blessing, and if you could do that virtually all day that's incredible, but i wonder if your ability to achieve that is based on the fact that you are at a certain level developmentally, like the fact you managed to start a successful business.

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great insight . My mind is always in the solve the problem mode, i don't even know what it would feel like to just accept and give the fight. Hopefully that comes. On another note: i got my blood work back and i don't have type 2 diabetes. My results indicate that i'm at the low end of pre-diabetes so the hope is that i get myself sorted out and i make lifestyle changes that will serve me for the rest of this life time. I have some odd heart stuff that needs to be looked at, but at least there's nothing major that came up. I wonder how much of the feelings in my feet are psychosomatic and me overreacting to subtle changes in feeling. It's also possible that pre-diabtetes can have an effect on nerves and blood vessels so it's worth watching out for.