Raptorsin7

I think the rags to riches story is my story though, just minus the drive to be financially secure i guess. The problem, at least from my view, is that i'm an undeveloped ego. SD wise, i have a huge red shadow of personal issues, and i haven't gotten close to mastering blue or orange, combined with the fact that I thought i was going to live a green/yellow/turqoise life you get this shit storm of a life i'm in right now. The thing is i think i project a story of my life that's somewhat distorted. My parents are hard working and made some money, but i'm just a lazy kid who spends his mom's money. I want to a bruce wayne type person who's incredibly well developed and awesome, and who also happens to well off, but it's just delusional compared to who i am. I'm not searching for money, but i don't really know what i want tbh. In highschool and the first few years of college i was incredibly motivated to do well and become a somebody. I have low self esteem and i'm insecure so i thought i could earn my way into being a better person with academic achievement. In my mind i always wanted to be a great person, someone who was respectable, talented, effective, succesful etc. I worshipped movie scenes like these. But now i have no idea what i want or what to do. It was fun at 18 to dream of being a great man, and it was even incredibly inspiring and motivating. But i was anti-social, shy, narcissistic then and i am still that way now. Only it's not so fun at 25 to hold onto these delusions of grandeur. I guess at a minimum i want to feel good about myself, i want to stop feeling so inferior and insecure, i want to have the weight of my own existence lifted off my shoulders and just relax and feel good. I actually tapped into what i thought was all of the above on a few lsd trips. It's like when the tension in my head is able to be released, and i can just let go of whatever i'm holding onto there, then i become like a difference person. The way the world looked, and how i felt were completely different. I wanted to be stage yellow/turqoise in my abilities, character, and achievement, but I can't overcome stage red haha. It looks like i'll be lucky if i can get to blue and find some balance with discipline, work ethic etc. But the high hopes and dreams i had ask a kid seem like a ccrap shoot given how my life is going.

@LarryW I know the next thing i have to do is to find a job so i get some experience and some semblance of a routine, but there's just this apathy towards life and no real desire to do anything, i basically am responsible for nothing at the moment. As far as my social life, i still talk to my friends sometimes on what's app, and i went to help a friend move today, but over th past few months i've basically become a hermit. @Mu_ Yeah i've been waiting for a spark for a while now and it's not coming. I yo-yo with habits like that though, i'll eat healthy for a day and the next day i have bad day then i eat junk food for comfort. I mean nothing will change until i change, but at this point it's a question of when and idk if the spirit to improve and get my shit together is any closer to coming. The way i'm going it's going to be another few years of just doing nothing and the hole will just get deeper.

One thing i've noticed recently is how my resentment towards my parents is part of what's keeping me stuck. When i look at other people who are more successful and developed then i am, i think back to how i was raised and i blame my parents for me not being in a similar advantageous position. Even typing it it sounds stupid, i live in a little self contained bubble that allows for this kind of toxicity and delusoinal thinking. But it's true nonetheless. I wanted to be a great person, or at least have self esteem and self respect, quality relationships, and just a good life before i died. But here i am 25 going on 12, miserable, hermit, and doing nothing with my life. And i blame my parents for how i ended up like this. The worst part right now is that i feel like if i improve myself then i would be also doing something positive for my parents, But due to the hatred/resentment i don't want them to get that satisfaction so i end up punishing them and myself with this twitsted logic. It's funy because my parents do so much for me, especially my mom she tried her best for me and my brother to be succesful but we both ended up complete losers haha. I've developed this flat affect, sometime i just stare blankly into the open space while i feel my head. I've heard it's related to schizoid disorders. If i kill myself i wonder if i will get a better life. It would make no sense for god to punish itself for suicide, but then again it makes no sense for god to make itself miserable in this life time either. None of this shitt makes any sense, but given my present understanding i think suicide would be a disaster for future lives which is a main reason I don't really want to do it, but at the same i've basically completely given up on life so in some ways i'm already dead.

@Nahm I'm aware I'm saying it (even as I think this) but I'm identified with the mind I guess. I'm not living as if I'm the awareness, I haven't broken through to that prior space yet I'm completely disconnected from what feels good. The dream board runs on wants that feel good right? But theres nothing I can think of that makes me feel good in wanting it. Related question about the dream board, why can't you manifest I want @Raptorsin7 to wake up and "get" the teachings and then do stuff that feels good etc? I don't have a job, I've been looking but I've been just dragging my heels. Part shame/embarrassment, part fear that i cant do it, and just a sense of I'm miserable and getting a job won't solve that so whats the point

@Galyna What led you to experience the nothingness? What les up to the realization? How did you know when you got "it"?

@Nahm My attitude is the most toxic part of me. When I read postings about required character traits I just realize that I'm the exact opposite of who anyone would want to hire. I'm not even super interested in lab work, it's just one of the few things I have actual credentials for. Its always the same question, how do I become the kind of person who takes responsibility, works hard, has a good attitude etc when right now I'm a million miles from that guy

@Mu_ Honestly I'm really hung up on the victim mindset. I do feel sorry for myself, and there's just of parts of my psyche that are completely toxic. I don't know if I just have to give it time or what, but I've been stuck in this pattern for months now and although I do want to be better, theres no real drive or committment to improve. @Leo Gura I'd say right now I take no responsibility for my life, but i if I'm going to move forward this is the area that really needs to change. Part of me doesnt know how to, the other part is afraid of the work and pain that I'd go through to actually take that responsibility.

@DrewNows I checked it out and it was pretty accurate in describing where I'm at. Theres a lot of people in this generation who are struggling with what I'm doing through now, and I have thought big picture if I solve this I'd likely just try and help others with this @Jacob Morres Thanks for the support. I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now, and I was speaking to a psychologist but I now have to find someone I can speak to less frequently. @Preety_India I agree, I'm struggling with changing it but without some basics foundation it's hard to make progress I guess.

@electroBeam Can you delegate your main responsibilities to a manager or a partner? It sounds like you're either developing schizophrenia or having a series of major awakenings, but in either case maybe try to stabilize your life so you don't wake up in a few months and regret what happened during this period.

I have a bachelor's degree in biology, but the only work i can get is maybe some part time lab work but i sucked at labs in school. I feel like my degree is useless and isn't really helpful at all in terms of finding a job. I basically don't want to do anything besides hide in my house and play video games and eat junk food. The thought of just getting a normal job makes me feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I just feel kinda fucked and hopeless, i'm getting on antidepressants so hopefully it helps me feel a bit better.

@electroBeam Okay i'll give this a shot. So the main purpose of this is just to visualize the absolute greatest version of myself, and try to picture and feel how he would respond to my life? I feel like i'm engaging in fantasy/delusional thinking when i do this.

@Leo Gura Do know of resources or people who are best to figure out how to go from A-L

@electroBeam How do you connect with the heart of you're emotionally disconnected?

Does anyone have experience with personality disorders. I understand it's a spectrum disorder and there's lots of overlap between different disorders. I find i have lots of narcissistic and boarder line tendencies, and i'm curious if other people here have noticed these traits in themselves or they know friends/family with these features.

@Leo Gura How do you bust limiting beliefs?

I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I do believe i'm disconnected from my feelings so i have difficult recognizing what i'm feeling. I wonder if what i feel is just fear. Fear of shame, fear of guilt. Fear of getting a job. Fear of taking responsibility. But i don't feel the visceral fear that comes up when i'm around heights, or in a tense situation. I never faced my fears growing up, i just hid and ran away from scary situations. Even now i'm just sitting at home, afraid to face the world and get my life going.

I'm going to start recording my feelings, according to the AH emotional scale. I guess the goal is to develop more emotional intelligence, but we'll see how this plays out.

I have to find some way through this. I don't want to be this person. But i feel defeated at the moment. On the positive side, i noticed that when i crank my shoulders back and extend my heart during meditation it makes the sessions more enjoyable. I feel my shoulders hunched as we speak and i think this plays a role in the low self esteem and unhappiness of the mind. The body mind connection.

The more miserable and psychotic i become, the more my third eye starts pulsing. I hope it pops open and i gain some siddhi or something that helps me get out of this jam. I feel so angry today. I went to volunteer, and i felt so out of place and cut off. I was already shy before my break down, now i have even less self respect and self worth. I used to never care about the question of what do you do, now i feel the shame. I remember a guy at my yoga was unemployed, and i was talking to a guy and we both said what we do, and the unemployed guy had to step out of the change room. I could tell how embarrassed he was to say he was unemployed. I hate my parents so much. I hate myself so much too. I felt like a psycho while i was volunteering, angry depressed people who are antisocial are not good for society. My mind is so fucking dark it's incredible. It's funny because i have so much awareness of this stuff, but it's like i'm just riding shotgun with a devil. I am literally a devil right now. It's amazing how ill equipped I am to deal with the world. I have no resiliency, no work ethic, no social skills, no motivation, no drive. I'm envious of everyone. Lol this is hilarious. I live in fantasy land. La la land in my mind, the shit i thought was going to happen is not fucking happening. Maybe someone will make a spiritual technique to deal with disillusioned angry young men haha. Cure this madness and you'll make billions.

Does anyone have thoughts or experience on moving from stage red to a healthy stage blue. I have a large blue shadow where i have issues with responsibility, maturity, self esteem, etc and i'm curious if other people went through this in their adult life. I'm starting to see that most people must have gone through this developmental stage in childhood or teen years, but i'm trying to figure this stuff out now at 24, and it's been very difficult as someone who's been narcissistic, and spoiled most of my life.

@zeroISinfinity No worries, i know you just want what's best for me.

@zeroISinfinity Virgo

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me. I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess. I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows.

Mental breakdowns are sad. I take out so much on my parents, they are doing everything in their power to help me but i get some sick satisfaction out of displaying my misery to them, and blaming them for my upbringing. I'm having some self harming/suicidal thoughts, but i wonder how long it would take to develop to actual planning and serious thoughts/attempts. I lack empathy for other people, and i have whatever causes a person to develop a personality disorder. I believe the core is lack of self love, and being myself. I don't feel love for anyone or anything, and i'm assuming that well adjusted people in the world, are that way because of the love they feel for themselves and others. My psychoanalyst warned me about wanting a quick fix, but is the desire to be my true self, the goodness and love, is that a quick fix... idk. I just feel stuck, and even making a tiny move seems pointless, but that's what keeping me stuck. I want to be other than what i am right now. I feel like a weirdo having a mental breakdown, i feel like on this forum especially i'm the most fucked up. I want to be a well-adjusted, happy guy. But the gap between where i want to be, and where i am seems insurmountable. I still feel these sensations in my head, maybe that's the key to this. Relax the sensations, release emotions, and feel good as myself. That's my deep hope to be honest. My hope is that it's that simple. Relax the head, cry and release a lot emotions, and then feel good and take on life in a different direction. Just looking at it, it sounds delusional. Millions of people suffering from illness, and all i gotta do to make it is relax my head.

I feel the insides of my cheek and sensations in my forehead. I feel a sense of grief and sadness, i can sort of bring out a subtle feeling of sadness when i just bring attention to how I feel. But it never lasts long enough for a full emotional release. Note: I'm stuck in a rut of negative thoughts throughout the day, and i'm making virtually no progress in life at the moment. I'm going to start meditating again, and the goal is to practice immediately after waking up. Throughout this entire depressive period of my life, i've yet to wake up and immediately meditate so let's hope that makes a difference.