Gili Trawangan

Yeah, I fall under this category myself. And it's incredibly hard to let go of as it gets entrenched and built into the ego structure. Reinforcing itself again and again as time goes on. Really good post, OP.

@SQAAD The pain of getting brutally tortured is just extreme pain followed by death. Maybe with gory images of the body, at worst. God is certainly not scared of that, which means that ultimately you aren't scared of it either, you only think you are. I understand, the fear arises, but that's all it is, it arises and it can just as easily disappear. I do agree with you though, all pain comes to an end and the ultimate nature of God is peace/nothingness.

I don’t think there’s anyone else in my life that would get this, so I’m sharing this experience with the people of the forum. It’s a very deep “spiritual experience”, if we are to call it anything. I’d had it pretty easy since my deepest awakening to God/Infinite Love two years ago. A few health issues since then, but nothing special, for the most part just an easy life, feeling happy and fulfilled most of the time. At the same time, paradoxically, I did notice that I was gradually becoming more fearful as I integrated that awakening. I was holding on to those good times and to the fluffy notions of Love and as a result developed the fear of losing those good feelings in the future and made a shadow of the unconditional aspect of Love. It was noticeable, I became hypersensitive to stories that involved extreme pain and suffering and was subtly trying to avoid them. In addition, I had slowly begun forming some beliefs about that awakening and the nature of God. And the experience of dying just before that awakening had been quite traumatic, because it came with deep suffering and resistance. During these two years, I even entertained the notion that maybe once you’ve awakened to God, then there’s no more need for pain and therefore it won’t be experienced – well, the last few days have harshly disabused me of that silly idea. On Monday evening I began experiencing extreme pain, first in the stomach and then the lower back on my left side. That night was awful, I was experiencing new levels of pain that I didn't know/remember were possible. I prayed to God for mercy. I promised that I would take better care of my body. I would never become complacent about life ever again. The next morning I went to the hospital. Almost fainted from the pain on the way there, and then had to go through the hassle of trying to find the emergency room in a hospital where nobody seemed to speak English – I’m in Vietnam and don’t speak the language. In the emergency room, I had to wait for hours in the most extreme pain that I’ve ever experienced – a 10 out of 10 level of pain that just won’t quit. No breaks, no intervals, just non-stop pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I was non-stop howling in pain and even fainted briefly while waiting for the CT scan. They only gave me a shot to kill the pain after the second CT scan – hours after I’d arrived in the emergency room. It turned out that I have a kidney stone. It’s lodged in the ureter, near the bladder. After the injection, the pain subsided and I was sent home with some medication and was instructed to drink loads of water, the stone is apparently small enough to be passed without the need for surgery. The next few days were ok, experiencing crises sometimes but nothing as bad as that first one. This morning, though, it got worse again. And the pain was again at extreme levels, there was nowhere to hide. I put on some music, laid down and slowly felt how I was opening up to the experience. Beauty was recognized in the whole experience, and also there was a deep sense of compassion. Cried my eyes out. And then it hit me. In the midst of the pain. A timeless insight. There was no more fear. There was no more fear of ANYTHING. Death felt like a joke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that death will be an awesome experience. But it went way beyond that. There was no more fear of extreme pain. If pain is to occur, then that’s what will occur. There wasn’t even fear of non-existence. Who cares about non-existence? There was simply no fear whatsoever. None. Over. I think it’s dangerous and a trap to look at spirituality as only butterflies and rainbows. I’ve fallen into that trap. I know that sometimes we say that consciousness can be brutal, and it’s actually pretty easy to say it, but it’s a whole other story when the insight occurs and the fear directly falls away. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that this is something that has been added to me, the person. I don’t think so. Fear may arise again, but the thing is I’m not scared of fear either. There’s just no fear of anything. And that’s God. That’s the unconditional aspect of Love. It’s utterly fearless. There was no mystical experience, no fireworks, just a sudden insight that was so immediate and deep that I wanted to share it.

I don't know exactly what she told you, but consider the possibility that she doesn't mean it. It might just be some kind of defense mechanism. I would brush it off and say jokingly "sure, friends ;)" and then proceed to the date as planned. And seduce her then.

It shows you that there isn't a problem in the first place.

Yup. The beginning of my life turning around from the pits of despair to a life worth living, was not entering the so-called spiritual path. That came later. The beginning was learning gratitude. And once it's learned and practiced it grows, and grows, and grows...

Impermanence is what's permanent. Or, nothing is permanent except impermanence.

Because for most there's identification with the body-mind. And indeed, as long as there is self-image and identification with one part of reality (the body-mind) to the exclusion of the rest, then the claim 'I am God' doesn't sit well with us. For good reason. In that case, saying that you are a part of God feels more truthful. 'I am God' is a misleading claim, because it comes out of a mouth which is attached to a body, and makes it seem like 'I' am excluding parts of reality (I am God, not you, not the sky, etc.). But there are no parts. So 'All is God' is less misleading. It's still just a concept and doesn't mean anything until there's an awakening.

Well, imagine that you lost your memory. Right now, you lose your memory and there is absolutely no idea of anything ever having happened. In that moment, is there such a thing as endless life? Was there ever someone who endured years/decades/millennia in that moment? Really imagine this, you lose your memory permanently. Then every moment is fresh, new, a rebirth. When that happens, you probably fall in love "all over again" (in fact, literally for the very first time) with reality. And that's This. This is always fresh, always new, there is no self that goes through infinite lives. Memory is an object appearing now, making it seem like there is a self and that there is a past. There isn't, really. So no one endures infinite time or endless existence.

I don't think you do... Otherwise you wouldn't ask this

There's no time

Yeah, don't take it too seriously. One of the problems I have with the phrase "life purpose" is how serious it sounds. And it's easy to buy into it as something really important and the thing that will make us worthy. It's not. So, by all means, ride the wave of inspiration when it comes, but let it all go when it's gone - it will come back. In other words, don't attach to it, the purpose of life is life itself, this includes the ups and the downs, it includes the times when you're working on your "life purpose" and the times when you're doing something else. Accept it all, enjoy it all.

Completely agree with @Leo Gura I don't remember the last time I read a post here that screamed the desire for enlightenment as much as yours does. I tend to focus on the "everything is perfect as it is" perspective, but that's probably not going to help you right now. I was where you are now, and I just didn't stop seeking until I got a full God awakening. The thing is, you probably have to go all in. Some people stumble upon this stuff and get an awakening out of the blue, but most of the time it takes 100% desire and passion for truth. Nothing else would have been enough, nothing else would have satisfied. It most certainly isn't enough to just hear about infinite love and perfection, you need to know it and become it directly.

This is heaven. It's not somewhere else, it's not some other infinite state, because this IS the infinite. This, the absolute, is that which allows all possible states and experiences and it is heaven. The only difference between heaven and hell is that hell has an added experience of a mind resisting and fearing. So one could say that heaven requires a recognition of this as it is in order for heaven to be actualized. But even that would be going too far, because ignorance is ultimately an illusion. So yeah, this is heaven cool, huh?

There are no 'shoulds'. Why don't you just do whatever you're drawn to? Follow your passion, it's a lot more fun and, dare I say, more spiritual.

It comes from @TheSource

What is a point of attraction?

I am your same height and I've slept with more women than Casanova. Plenty were my height or taller than me. In Europe too, that's where I'm from. Height is really not your problem, trust me. I used to think it was, just like you, but I was simply dead wrong. You need to work on your game, make it a long term project. I guarantee you will get results if you put in the time and effort.

Actually quite profound, but hey, go ahead and get wrapped up in more mind chatter if that's what you're looking for, that's also God's will

It's simple, if there is resistance to what's happening that is a sign of ego. Aligning with God's Will is allowing and flowing with what is. There is congruence between thoughts, actions and that which is taking place. And if something happens which appears to be an obstacle against what you're doing, you adjust your thoughts/actions and align once again with what is. God's Will is simply what's happening.

Yeah, it happens fairly often. And I'm guessing it will happen again in future, learning happens slower than we tend to think. It's nothing to worry about, you're already Home.

I've done this before, I was going to go for one year and it ended up being 18 months. Honestly, I have no tips for you, you will learn everything you need in the process. Just know that being nervous in the beginning is totally normal, I'll never forget the first flight (a one-way ticket to Thailand), I had all kinds of anxious thoughts, but within one week they were all gone and I was having the best time. I would be careful though about the regulations of each country you plan on visiting, in Covid times there are countries that require long and expensive quarantines before they let you enter. Just do your research. Good luck, it's going to be the journey of a lifetime

I need to give this a try. Thanks for sharing.

News flash: you're already selfless

@BipolarGrowth Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time. I didn't quite understand this sentence though.. can you maybe rephrase it?