Farnaby

@Commodent It can actually feel kind of scary (at least for me) when you realize most of your problems are self-fulfilling prophecies I used to hate when people told other people or myself to let go and don't worry, because it felt like they didn't understand that it's not something we always have control over. Until recently, when I noticed that I actually have more "control" over my thoughts than I thought I had. Control is maybe not the right word, since experientally it feels more like an act of faith in the universe which allows me to stop worrying and actually feel in control, even if it sounds paradoxical. Kind of like when Alan Watts said that by giving up trying to control everything, you actually get the control you were seeking". I think a good approach to get to the point of being able to trust the universe and let go is being very compassionate and loving towards our worries and make some space for the emotions and body sensations that arise when we worry. So instead of telling others or myself "stop worrying, it's pointless" what I found to be more effective is to treat this worried part like a vulnerable child. This helps release resistance and tension, which in turn leads to more pleasant and grounded experiences and that's when you experientally see how powerful your mind is in shaping your reality.

Really interesting topic. The outcome of a psychedelic experience and any intense experiences in general is kind of unpredictable. Of course having a good setting, mindset and ability to surrender usually leads to expansive and liberating experiences, but because of the intensity of these experiences there's always the potential for some kind of trauma. Personally, my trips have usually involved moments of pure laughter and bliss and also moments of fear. However, these "bad" moments always led me to a deeper understanding of how my mind works, which after some integration always had a positive impact on my life. This makes me think that the attitude you have towards unpleasant experiences in general has a big effect on how they will impact your life. If you see them as lessons and give yourself time to integrate and re-ground yourself, I think "bad trips" can actually help you improve your life. However, I've never done big doses and my bad experiences may not have been as hellish as those other people have experienced. @Serotoninluv Your experience with cannabis is very similar to mine. I don't know if it's a substance that doesn't resonate well with my brain chemistry, if it's just showing me my anxieties and fear of letting go or if it's both. Probably both

@Leo Gura Thank you! I’ve only tried mushrooms and truffles a couple of times, no other psychedelics, that’s why I used them as an example. Yes, I have also kind of experienced something similar without psychedelics but it usually fades easier, whereas psychedelics deliver a raw and unfiltered (or at least less conditioned) experience. Another difference is with mushrooms there were some distortions involved (such as the clouds morphing faster than usually). Maybe they always do and it’s just that I don’t usually notice it so clearly, but then again what I see even in a meditative state is not the same as in an altered state of consciousness.

@Leo Gura The hyper present, crystal clear, luminous and magic aspect reminds me a lot of what shrooms feel like for me. Would you say it’s a similar sensation?

Hi everyone! I've been contemplating the question whether our ailments are mainly psychosomatic vs. physiological for a long time. I used to resonate more with the idea that they are primarily psychological, because the more scientific and physiological explanation always seemed too simplistic and didn't match my subjective experience. Let's take digestive issues for example. It's pretty common that these issues "run in the family". But is that a proof of a genetic cause? I don't think so, because we tend to form similar coping mechanisms as other family members, so the digestive problems could also be a symptom of similar coping mechanisms and not necessarily biologically determined. The second explanation matches my own experience better than a purely genetical one, because depending on my emotional state symptoms change and even disappear. But now I'm thinking both explanations can be true, as the distinction may just be an illusory duality. Maybe it just depends which side of the coin we're contemplating. I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this subject

@Uncover Hi! While I completely agree with @Emerald, it seems to me there’s also an unconscious “game” going on in this relationship with your ex. I may be completely wrong but she seems to be testing you, contributing to a situation in which I think most men would start to get horny. Now I don’t know if us expecting sex in this kind of situation is something we learned through conditioning or if it’s a natural consequence in this kind of situation. What I am pretty sure is that it’s normal to feel how you felt in that situation and she may be unconsciously testing you in order to see if you want her and not only sex. It would be better to discuss these things directly and openly, instead of playing games. However, Emerald is completely right about sex with emotional connection being far better. If that’s not what you’re interested in right now or not with this girl, you will have to decide if both of your needs can be met or if you’re looking for different things.

@Knock That's a really good question I have asked myself many times, not only in regards to socializing but also other decisions in life. I think there is no right or absolute answer to this, so it all depends on your subjective experience. I would suggest trying out different things and going out of your comfort zone from time to time. When you do so, pay attention to how you feel before, during and after these experiences and this will give you important information about how much stimulation you need, how much time alone, etc. There's nothing wrong with being more of an introvert type, but don't forget your need for socialization, since it's a basic human need. You don't need to go to a party to meet these needs if you don't like parties. Having a beer or watching a movie with a friend may be enough for you and resonate better with your personality.

@Aakash The fact that you recognized that knowing something intelectually isn't enough is a huge step. Lots of people seek out psychological help and get frustrated when they notice talking about their problems offers some relief but isn't enough to change deeply engrained habits. This doesn't mean that going to a psychologist is useless. It means, they can't solve for you what you have to fix yourself. However, they can be of great help in this process, especially psychologists who are genuine, present and go deep to help you get in touch with your body. Another crucial aspect IMO is whether the psychologist has him/herself walked some path of deep emotional healing. Why does it not instantly get rid of it ? I think one reason for this is directly related to what I said before: what creates problems in our life stems from habits that we have carried along with us for a long time, creating lots of neuronal paths that are not easy to change. Another important reason is the fact that trauma usually gets stuck in the body. If it didn't "get stuck" it wouldn't be traumatic. It's not the experiences we go through that make them traumatic but how we deal with them and how we're supported in the process of integrating intense experiences. In order to really solve trauma we need to get deeply in touch with all the sensations that got stock in our body. Also, some of our traumatic experiences happened when we hadn't developed language yet so they can't be healed through language or conceptual understanding.

@CreamCat Really interesting topic and those are great points. My question is if such a man exists in reality I mean someone who always, throughout his whole life acts the way you pointed out. Seems a bit idealistic, although I agree it's something to work towards and I may be projecting my own experience regarding myself and the men I've known until now. Maybe we could share some advice on how to become that kind of man. An important aspect of this is risking to be as honest as possible even if we're afraid to.

@Giulio Bevilacqua Hi, I can relate to how you're feeling because I've also experienced doubts, lack of strong emotions, etc., in my relationship, although there's no third person involved in my case. I think it's important to ask yourself deep down if what you found in this other girl is something that you and your girlfriend have somehow lost or got disconnected from and if it can be brought back into the relationship or if it never was there to begin with. This is important, because if it was there but slowly started to fade away, you risk repeating the same pattern if you were to choose the other girl. Another very important part is to talk about how you're feeling with your girlfriend. Honesty goes a long way and sometimes it even brings back the connection that was missing. By doing this, you break the dynamic where you feel like a brother to her and see her as fragile. It's certainly possible that she is indeed fragile to some extent and I understand your fear of hurting her, but it won't be good for her in the long run to always be protected like this and it leads to depolarization and loss of attraction. You can be honest and at the same time be caring and respecting her feelings. She may even be feeling similar emotions. I hope this can be somehow useful @LordFall This sounds like great advice. Could you give some hints that may help recognizing if the problem is due to incompatibility or lack of growth. I know there's no absolute answer to this, but maybe there are some clues?

@Magnifico I think one of our deepest fear is fear of abandonment and it is first experienced when we don't get our needs met as a baby. As a baby you had no time conception so 5 minutes feel like an eternity and when you were hungry for example you felt like you were going to die. Of course if this doesn't happen too often, you don't get traumatized or at least not significantly and later on you learn how to delay gratification. In my opinion, most of our other fears (fear of rejection, fear of failure and even fear of intimacy, because intimacy visceraly reminds us of the possibility to feel abandoned) are deeply related to this basic fear and as you said fear of death is probably the most basic fear of all.

@Commodent Thank you, I'll give the cold showers and breathing a try @Michael569 Thank you! Yes, living in another country probably messed with my inmune system, but after coming back to my home country the allergies are still there and I would say they are getting worse. Leaky gut makes sense because I have digestive issues that aren't related to a specific food as far as I have observed. Sometimes it's melted cheese but other times it's something like an apple or rice which shouldn't have that effect at all. I'll see if I can get tested for this. My allergy doctor tested for parasites in stool and everything was OK, but maybe there are bacteria or other things that shouldn't be there. I'll have a look for those herbs and mushrooms you mentioned

@UDT Women are part of the entire universe and reality. There's no separation so you can't understand the entire universe without understanding them. I know what it feels like to try to understand everything with your mind, but in the end whatever you come up with using your thoughts, are just thought stories. IME it's more useful to have direct experiences with women or anyone/anything else and learn through this direct experience. It's scary, but worth it.

@SQAAD It seems as if you feel ridiculed/attacked by this persons ironic smirk. Not saying that he isn't trying to make you feel bad, but I agree with those who told you you probably feel that some part of you is ridicule and it gets triggered. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've felt that before too and it's related to my own insecurities. Of course when you feel attacked you want to defend yourself, I think it goes back to a primal survival instinct. I would suggest working on your self esteem and giving the parts of yourself that feel vulnerable a lot of love, compassion and understanding. I'm willing to guess that this is something you've felt before and probably in different situations. Maybe someone made fun of you when you were younger and it hurt you a lot and that's why you get triggered. Just my guess based on what you said, you'll have to explore if it resonates with you.

@Commodent Oh Ok, thanks, it makes sense but we will never know for sure. My guess is that there are many contributing factors to allergies and it makes sense that our psychological state has an impact on them since body-mind is just one. I will continue researching this and maybe try out the Wim Hof method, although the idea of exposing myself to extreme cold doesn't sound appealing at all What's your usual routine?

@Commodent Thank you! I think there's definitely a correlation between how I feel and how strong my allergic symptoms are, but there's no way to tell if that's just a subjective perception Could you elaborate a little more about faulty association and how the Wim Hof method could help with this issue? Have you had good results with it?

@arlin We can't decide for you. Based on what you're saying, you will almost certainly be fine and enjoy the high if you have a good relationship with your friend. It can be used for spiritual purposes, but IME that works better alone, without too many distractions. I don't think it will regress your meditation progress. As long as you don't make a habit out of it and use it mindfully without letting it become a crutch, there shouldn't be any interference with meditation. @seeking_brilliance I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing this. Yeah, you're right, the most important part is practicing when sober. @Nahm Thank you! Yes, I think you're right, it all seems to stem from fear and facing that fear is very useful, although scary sometimes. @Recursoinominado Exactly what I mean It's easy to fall into avoidance of those unpleasant sensations. @kag101 Thanks for your input. Indeed my experience could be delusional, but it seems to work for me. Of course there are risks that should be taken into account when altering our brains. We'll have to agree to disagree on the psychiatrist part. I'm doing well without medication and in my country psychologists are the ones that help you find the root of your problems instead of putting you on meds. Even psychologists tend to be a little close-minded here, so I looked very hard to find a therapy with a holistic approach.

@kag101 Chill dude, I was just speaking from my experience. Don't worry, I take care of my mental health and have learned a lot about myself in therapy. But why should I dismiss the insights I got from other experiences, such as weed highs for example? What makes you think it's BS? Psychedelics are also known for triggering "bad" trips and yet you can learn a lot from a negative experience.

@kag101 While I agree on being extra careful if you're prone to weed induced paranoia , IME if you use it in a setting where you feel safe it can show you the other side of the coin: why you're getting paranoid, which can be used for self-development. I tend to experience some kind of anxiety that can evolve into a panic attack when high, so maybe I'm just a bit massochistic lol, but this has also helped me work on my fears and learn to surrender to altered states of consciousness, although for some strange reason weed seems to trigger my insecurities and hypocondria more so than other psychedelics. Could also be due to more preparation when I've taken psychedelics (last time was 3 years ago, because I have much more respect for them than weed )

@MsNobody Thank you! @flowboy Thanks! We will check it out! There's definitely a huge difference when we take things slow and mindfully.

Hi everyone! I would like to know what you think about the idea of each one of us being responsible for our own pleasure during sex. I can't help but feel somehow responsible for my girlfriends pleasure when we have sex and I don't know if this is natural or if it's something society conditioned me to believe. I'm asking this because it seems to interfere with our sexuality, since we're both very concerned with each others pleasure, to the point where we find it difficult to let go of our mental chatter (i.e "Is she enjoying it?", "She seems to need to go at this pace and I need something different but if I go at my pace she's finding it difficult to orgasm"). Our minds seem to be hyperactive, which makes it difficult to let go and just enjoy the experience. Do you think it's better to focus on your own pleasure and just orgasm when it feels right for you? I've tried both paths, the neurotic path where I try to repress my own urges in order to meet her expectations and the more "selfish" path. The second one usually works better, but quite often I orgasm earlier than her and although I can keep going my energy is not the same, which she notices and makes it more difficult for her to enjoy it (she usually starts asking quite often if I'm OK, which makes it more difficult to be in the moment). I'm always open to switch to other lovemaking activites, but she almost never wants to. Sometimes this leads to her being frustrated which I can understand and these kind of situations make me feel as if letting go of control is in some way bad. I'd really like to know what you think about this situation and if it's something common. Thank you

Hi! I wanted to talk about something that I've been noticing in my relationship with my girlfriend for some time. It seems as if from time to time we go through a phase in which we feel disconnected, bored, without much passion or interest in doing things together. We have been together for almost 4 years now. It's something we have talked about and we know that it's normal to not feel as much passion as in the beginning and we also understand that we can't feel happy together 24/7 because emotions are impermanent and changing. But we feel this is not the typical feeling we all get from time to time where you spend a day or a couple of days feeling a bit bored, without much energy, etc. This seems to be happening too often for both of us. When I first noticed this, I used to get intrusive thoughts which made me doubt if I still love her, but I don't think this is true because I do love her, it's just the passionate aspect that is not as present as we would like it to be. I have to add that we're not extremely energic and passionate people to begin with, but there definitely seems to be something going on at this level because when we're able to connect with each other or with friends, there's a huge difference compared to this "cyclical boredom". Any advice would be really appreciated since I feel kind of stuck and not knowing what to do. Now and then I intuitively get the feeling that I should break through our disconnection and make something that helps us connect (be funny, play around, do something interesting together, etc.), but there's also another part of me that doesn't feel motivated enough to do that. Thank you

@flowboy I think you misunderstood me. I don't blame her, I clearly said "I let her push me out of balance", but I do believe each one of us is responsible for what we communicate and how we communicate it. That's what I mean by a shared responsibility if repetitive dynamics lead to disconnection. From what you say it would seem as if we as men are 100% responsible for everything that happens in a relationship. I am responsible for how I react and depending on how I react there are more chances of things escalating or not, but I'm not the only one contributing to that kind of dynamic. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I understand a relationship between two adults.

@flowboy Yes, you're probably right about the insecurities being the cause of feeling triggered, offended, etc. I've been working on that for a long time and feel like I've improved a lot, although there are certainly insecurities that aren't resolved yet. I mean, is there anyone that doesn't have any insecurities at all? I agree that when I let her push me out of balance and react trying to justify myself it usually never solves the problem. But sometimes, giving her some space and doing something that feels good for me (like spending time with friends), instead of staying in an emotionally hostile environment seems to be useful so we can later reconnect. Also, Deida seems to be right (at least to some extent) on the fact that the feminine needs a strong figure it can trust. But wouldn't what you suggest lead to a kind of father-daughter relationship. Shouldn't she also take responsibility for her contribution to negative and repetitive dynamics that play out in the relationship, instead of always expecting a father like figure? Couldn't that be reinforcing childish behavior and leading to her avoiding to take responsibility for her part?

@Devi Shanti I'm actually the younger one We have talked about that and although she wants to have children some time, she doesn't want to right now. @flowboy Thank you! Yes, I agree that statement seems more like a projection of what a lot of relationships end up looking like, although I think it's true that in the beginning of a relationship there's not as much need to "work hard" to keep it fresh and exciting. I read that book a week ago and really liked it, it does make a lot of sense and when I don't act reactively problems usually don't escalate and we don't feel as disconnected as when I do behave reactively. The only problem I see is that from this book it seems as if we men are responsible for not letting things escalate and that feels like a lack of balance in the responsibility we both have in the relationship. For example, imagine a situation where you can feel your girlfriends resentment and rejection because of an argument. Sometimes, as much as you try to remain centered and break through the disconnection, it just doesn't work. In those kind of situations my body and feelings tell me it's best to give her some space and use that space for myself as well. Isn't she also responsible for this kind of "game" and "negative dynamic"? Or maybe I didn't get it right?