Farnaby

Hi everyone! I'm currently quitting some bad habits like smoking weed, spending too much time on the computer and mobile phone, not exercising enough, etc. Recently, I watched Leo's video about self-love and I'm confused whether I'm doing this process in a loving and compassionate way towards myself, because I tend to be pretty strict with myself once I've made a decision. By strict I mean that I feel like listening to the excuses my mind comes up with in order to indulge in these unhealthy behaviors is a mistake and therefore make an effort not to relapse. If I happen to relapse, I don't feel too guilty about it and neither am I too hard on myself, but if I compare myself to the people around me, they seem to be more indulgent towards themselves and not overthink things so much. So for instance if they feel like smoking some weed, they don't seem to question themselves as hard as I question myself. Of course this means they tend to be more impulsive and have a harder time quitting bad habits, but I think I may need to relax a little bit (or is this just my addicted part finding excuses? ). I'd like to know what you guys think about this. Is it healthy to avoid acting out the different cravings or is this too repressive towards myself? Thank you

@Salvijus I'm a strong believer in the idea of illness carrying a message for us that we should listen to. But I'm not sure that all illness is a consequence of bad choices. I feel a vibe in your replies that feels familiar to me (because I think we have a similar shadow aspect lol). Maybe I'm projecting so don't take it too seriously. But you seem to have a part that enjoys moralizing, judging and being right. I agree that we should analyze our lives and improve the aspects that are unhealthy and make us unhappy. However, this can also become a problem if we get too rigid and perfectionist about it, because then we only love ourselves when we're living up to those standards. I'm speaking about myself right now, but the way you replied seems like it has this vibe to it. To the OP, I've never had a Reiki session and am very skeptical (but also curioud). Trying it out and seeing for yourself can do no harm ?

As @Consept said, only you can know deep down who you're attracted to. Sexual orientation is more fluid than we use to think. There are of course people who feel 100% straight or 100% gay, but it's not uncommon to not be on either end of the spectrum. Also, attraction is complex, so you can for instance sexually be attracted to women but intelectually or emotionally feel attraction towards a man. However, I have to agree with @Consept and @Chumbimba when they say this looks more like an obsessive rumination about the possibility of being gay, rather than you actually being gay. From the way you write about your experience it's pretty clear that the thought of being gay causes you a lot of anxiety (rightly so if we consider the culture you were raised in). This is typical in obsessive problematics such as OCD. I'm not a fan of such diagnostic labels, but as others have said, this is a common theme in people who have a tendency to ruminate, obsess and feel anxious and usually the fear revolves around the possibility of being gay, whereas gay people are usually more concerned about how society will take it but they are usually pretty sure about who they feel attracted to. In any case, as I said in another reply, the way to stop suffering is the same in both cases: find a safe place where you can observe your thoughts and feelings, asking your inner critic for permission and asking him/her/it to stand aside for a moment. Your inner critic is likely going to resist this "experiment" so reassure it that if things get too overwhelming you'll welcome it back. Do this whenever you are in a safe place and have a little time to get in touch with yourself. If you do this consistently and treat all your parts (the one that has gay thoughts, the one that's scared of being gay, the one that critizices you for having these thoughts, etc.) with compassion, you'll soon feel how your suffering lessens. Don't worry, you will still be in control of your actions. This isn't going to lead you to become gay. It doesn't work that way. It will just lessen the inner resistance and conflict you're experiencing

Thank you! That video is very interesting. I can see how those feelings and thoughts are not me, yet the physical sensations are still there, but it's true that "relaxing into them" is the way to go IMO.

OMG I can relate to this so much. I actually want to make more lives streams etc., but I get so self-conscious that I'm not spontaneous and then I start thinking that people will notice this nervousness and not take what I say seriously. This results in me not doing these videos. It's really hard to get out of that vicious-cycle, but I think you're right, you just have to keep doing it until you get used to it and also notice hyper-critical inner dialogue and keep letting it go. Thank you

Good question. I agree with @Serotoninluv and @Commodent. I've been doing this for a couple of years, since the first time I went to therapy. I definitely notice a difference, because I catch myself a lot faster when I'm beating myself up and just try to let that go. However, the tendency to be extremely self-critical still is like the first thing that gets triggered whenever I feel like I made a mistake. I also resonate a lot with the taking responsibility of other people's feelings: Whenever something feels off, like it's not flowing naturally, I think it's because of something I'm doing/not doing. Do you guys still feel this hyper-critical part of yourselves being triggered or have you been able to transcend it completely?

I've been a vegetarian for 3 1/2 years, but recently quit and started eating fish and meat again. For me, the reason I went back to eating animals was mostly selfish lol. I just felt like I was repressing myself too much, especially after some years of being vegetarian. Every time someone would cook some shrimps, or a tasty looking meal which included meat or fish, I was fighting my urge to eat it. I wanted to eat it but was convincing myself not to do it. Maybe I was being more ethical then and I often feel a little guilty about eating animals again, but I think this life is too short to be too restrictive with myself. On a health level, I actually have a better gut health now than when I was a vegetarian. Not saying that meat is healthier because I tend to have digestive problems regardless and those problems may very well be unrelated to specific food, but experientally I definitely feel a difference.

Thank you, I'll experiment with that. It's interesting how tricky the mind is when you try to unconditionally love yourself

Yes, I feel like that's true, some kind of fear of "trusting the Universe" lol. Do you recommend some specific practice so that it's not only something I tell myself but something that I really feel?

Yes, I think you're right about this way of treating ourselves. My doubt is if it can be done on purpose, such as just commiting to: "No matter what happens, I'll love myself", or if that's just a rational and inauthentic decision. I feel like it's a fine line between loving youself and others and enabling our unhealthy habits or those of the people in our lives. Thanks! You mean creating a new habit that overrides the old patterns that I've gotten used to?

@Buba Hi! I think it makes perfect sense that you're having such a hard time accepting your thoughts and feelings, since you live in a homophobic culture. I don't know how homophobic it is, but even if homosexual people are not put in jail or killed, if your culture rejects them, you feel in danger of being rejected. As social beings, we fear rejection because deep down we equate it to the possibility of being unable to survive. It's not uncommon to develop intrusive thoughts about the thing we fear most when growing up in such an environment. Whenever there is too much repression of something, we tend to get fixated on that very thing. What I'm trying to say is that you may not actually be homosexual (although you may be, that's something you shouldn't let anyone define for you, not us, not a psychoanalyst, etc.), but get those intrusive thoughts, fantasies, etc., because of how scary it would be to actually be homosexual in your society. Anyways, whether you're homosexual or not, the way to transcend your suffering is the same: letting go of judgement and beating yourself up, in order to be able to accept yourself the way you are. I know this may sound impossible right now (precisely because it's regarded as such a bad thing in your culture) and it will probably take time, but it's worth it IMO. I wish you the best!

Hi everyone! Just wanted to talk about something that I've been experiencing for many years and no matter how much inner work I do, I can't seem to "control" this one. So, whenever I have to make a phone call and speak to people I don't have a close relationship with (calling a business and asking for some kind of information, calling a client to schedule an appointment, calling a doctor, etc.) I immediately feel anxious. It's almost a pure physiological anxiety (heart pounding, muscle tension, shivering, feeling cold, etc.), but there are some thoughts that sometimes come along ("They are going to notice my nervousness", "I'm not going to be able to keep calm"). Actually, this is not the only situation where it happens. It happens when I have to talk in front of people, as well as when I go to visit a doctor, especially if they are going to measure my blood pressure or heart rate. I've experimented with the top-down approach, trying to question my thoughts or just observe them and let them go and I've also experimented with the bottom-up approach (trying to calm my physiology). The second one usually works better, but the moment I start making the call, step in front of an audience, sit down to get my blood pressure measured, I can't control the sudden raise in anxiety. I used to avoid these situations, but I know how this only makes things worse and since I've started not avoiding them, I feel a little more calm or at least can return to calmness a little faster. Maybe it's just a matter of time that I get habituated to these situations, but this has been affecting me for such a long time that I'm kind of sick of it lol. Anyone else resonates with this or has any advice on how to solve it?

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one lol. Yes, exposure certainly is one of the key aspects, I agree. However, it's been a couple of years of noticing when I have the impulse to avoid a phone call and do the call anyway and I still can't seem to control my anxiety. But if I'm completely honest, I may still be avoiding it often enough so that I haven't given my nervous system enough opportunities to see that it's safe. I guess I just have to keep doing it until I get used to it. Have you experienced good results from exposing yourself to these situations? Since it's such an immediate response in my body, I think there may be some trauma history that I'm considering exploring through some trauma therapy like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR or something like that.

Haven't tried LSD but did shrooms as my first psychedelic (a little less than 1,5g) and truffles a couple of times (essentially the same as shrooms but one trip was noticeably stronger) and what I've heard from friends who have tried both is that they are pretty similar, only LSD lasting longer and giving you more energy. I think if you handled LSD well and take care of set and setting, you won't be overwhelmed by 1-1,5g of shrooms. Listen to your gut, no need to rush anything if you don't feel it. I've never done it solo, always in nature with friends and was usually a great experience with some moments of fear of letting go but never too overwhelming. Always felt like a spiritual antidepressant that left me more grounded and connected, especially after integrating the trip. Some trips I had more visuals whereas others were mainly introspective and like a potent kind of mindfulness.

Don't quit cold-turquey, talk to a psychiatrist about this so you can gradually get off the medication. Your body has probably developed a physical dependency towards the antidepressant and quitting cold-turquey would most likely trigger intense withdrawal symptoms.

I see it that way too. You had every right to be sad, angry, scared when that accident happened to you. As you yourself noticed, there comes a time where you have to decide whether you're going to stay stuck in that state (which would become a victim mentality) or if you can still choose things in life that can bring you joy, peace, etc. But before we can do that, we usually need to give ourselves permission to feel our emotions and express them. That's not victim mentality IMO, just the normal grief process from your life before the accident. I think you can actually energetically feel when someone's playing victim compared to authentic emotions. When someone plays victim, it feels manipulative and there is usually some sort of incoherence between non verbal and verbal messages, black or white thinking, passive-aggressiveness, etc. Of course these people have probably been a real victim sometime in their life and there usually is authentic grief underneath the surface, but instead of sitting with these emotions, they seem to get attached to that state because it helps them get attention from other people and avoid responsibility (among other benefits).

That's how I see it too! Exactly my thoughts too. I found the first video quite disturbing lol. However, I find value in the second one where she helps the other person accept that we all have our own path and not accepting another person's path (even if it's unhealthy for them) results in us treating them in an authoritarian way.

First of all, I want to say that I see value in this kind of approach to psychological and relational problems. It's a fact that we can develop an attitude towards life and relationships that works like a self fulfilling prophecy where we constantly find ourselves suffering because of beliefs we hold. For instance, if we always have a victim mentality. I think it's a positive thing to question our beliefs and see if they are actually true. However, it's also a fact that abusive people and abusive behaviors exist (at least from a relative perspective). This is where I find it dangerous to accept the idea that "everything we think about another person is a false belief". This seems like the premise that's present in the work. The questions asked seem like rhetoric questions where the conclusion is already reached before the inquiry ("your belief is false"). I don't think this is always the case. If your body feels threatened, attacked, there may very well be something in the situation that's abusive. Of course we all have traumas and can be triggered by neutral things and interpret them as an abuse. But we can't assume that everything that feels like abuse really isn't abuse. For instance, let's say you're feeling sad and someone says something like "Oh come on, stop being such a pussy", that's definitely abusive and definitely something you don't have to accept in your life. It would actually be unhealthy to not recognize this as abusive, because you would become a person that's easily manipulated if you don't trust your instinct in these kind of situations just because someone told you that your beliefs are never true. Of course it's true that abusive people are usually very hurt people and you can have compassion for them, but it would be unhealthy to second guess yourself when you feel something is off and tolerate their abuse. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this

Hi! Currently quitting weed (and other habits) too. IMO, the most important things to consider are these: 1) What purpose does weed/getting high serve in your life? Are you trying to escape some particular feeling (boredom, loneliness, sadness, anger, etc.) or void? 2) Once you have identified it's function, experiment with healthier ways to deal with these feelings such as exercise, meeting with people you feel nice with, walks in nature, whatever you think may be enjoyable. You will probably feel as if these things are boring without being high, but keep doing them mindfully, noticing if there's something positive about doing these things without being high. 3) Meditation. This seems to be one of the most powerful tools for me. Get into the habit of sitting with your cravings, with the excuses your mind comes up with in order to smoke, etc., and try to just observe all this and let it go. You can also write down how you're feeling when you get the urge to get high, what you're thinking and what you want to achieve by getting high. Don't worry if sometimes you still indulge, but try to be consistent in at least observing all this mindfully before smoking. If you happen to "relapse", don't beat yourself up and just keep commiting to this practice. 4) Avoid places, people, etc., that trigger your cravings, at least until you feel more in control. Decide if you need to delete your dealers number, if you have to throw away smoking paraphernalia, etc. For some people this creates too much anxiety and other people feel this is necessary to avoid relapsing. You may have to explore your relationships and find out if you feel like you need to set healthy boundaries (not only with friends that may still smoke but also with family, coworkers, etc., who often trigger us and make it harder to quit). 5) Go to therapy with a therapist that you feel you can trust and doesn't judge you 6) Pay attention to the things in your life that improve when you're sober. I personally find myself more connected to people, more centered, more able to follow a healthy routine. See how much money you are saving that you can use for experiences that really help you grow. Find out what benefits it has on your day. Maybe write them down if you tend to discount them. 7) Stay active, don't stay at home alone too much. Weed was probably filling some void and you're probably going to feel this more intensely when you stop smoking, so it's important to fill it with healthy activities. Get creative. On the flip-side, you will also need to increase your tolerance to the uncomfortable feelings/sensations that arise when you. 8) Be compassionate towards yourself, it's normal to relapse and if it happens there's probably a lesson to be learned. Quitting everything at once can be tough, so just stay mindful of activities that you feel may be replacing the addiction to weed. By staying mindful, the chances of getting addicted to these other activities are little. I hope this is somehow useful. Good luck

This is a topic that fascinates me. IME being present, listening and inquiring respectfully is way more useful than just giving advice. More often than not, people won't even follow that advice, they usually can come up with the solution themselves, what keeps them stuck is usually on an emotional level. However, I reckon how hard it is to hold back from giving advice, especially if you're in the mental health field, where people expect you to help them and often get very frustrated when you don't give concrete advice. It's really hard to not get triggered by this because you can feel that they really feel desperate and stuck and need some guidance. But often when you finally give concrete advice, they don't follow through and you find yourself feeling frustrated because you put a lot of energy into thinking what could help them in their situation and then they don't do the work. Feels like entering a game that's lost before it started ?

Thank you! I'll keep doing it like this then and see where it leads me

@Leo Gura Are these kind of cactus and the ones you can buy from online smartshops ready to be consumed or do they have to grow for a couple of years before having enough mescaline? Also, is there some risk of allergy (don't want to go into anaphylaxis lol).

I've tried this (although not so consistently) and I always find myself second guessing myself. Like for instance when I notice my mind wandering, I tell myself to bring my attention back to my breath. But as I do this, I ask myself: "Isn't this a thought too that's actually taking myattention away from the breath?". You know, like the saying: "if you're thinking about the music, you're not really listening". Am I doing it wrong by telling myself to bring my attention back again and again to the breath?

Wow, this really resonates with my own experience. Also, what @OmniYoga said about not being sure if it's the practices that are helping or just the maturity gained from the years of life experience. I also tend to second guess myself like that and be extremely skeptical towards anything that has such a big subjective component to it. But if it really were only because of the normal changes due to aging, everyone would feel more grounded as they age and that's not always the case. If you observe people, there are indeed many who seem more grounded but also many that don't, so I definitely think what you do with your time has an impact on your well-being, and meditation, etc., certainly helps with returning to a centered and calm state more easily. @Matteo what I personally find to have a big impact is approaching life in a holistic way. Focusing only on spiritual seeking isn't enough IME. Things that I found really helpful: - Meditation (but not following a particular step by step technique, just letting go and observing anything that arises in my awareness). This is really helpful to be able to tolerate discomfort and the void we may feel when we're not distracted. - Exploring my unhealthy habits and their possible underlying causes (usually some sort of avoidance of emotional/existential discomfort). - Psychotherapy, exploring my relationships, my beliefs, how this relates to what I've experienced in life. - Making an effort to go out of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to speaking my truth and having honest conversations with important people in my life (still working on this lol). - Trusting the flow of life - Having a balanced routine (when I backlash, I go to sleep really late, binge on video games and used to regularly smoke weed, wake up late, eat unhealthy food, stay at home too much, etc.). I found keeping an eye on these habits is really important to feel grounded and mentally stable. These are the things that come to mind. Generally speaking, I would suggest finding a balance between more intellectual and spiritual seeking and just plain down to earth matters such as work, relationships, diet, exercise, etc.

While there's truth to what you're saying (or at least my intuition tells me there's something right about what you're pointing to), my intuition also senses some kind of arrogance or need to prove that you're right. I think this happens to all of us, it surely happens to me quite often: I have an insight (such as "being is everything there is and not something that you can actively achieve") and then I draw the conclusion -> "therefore, meditation is not something you need to do in a certain way as a practice". Then we get excited about this insight and attached to it, preaching and trying to impose this onto other people. What I'm trying to say is that I agree that practicing meditation as a routine is not necessary to enter a state of being and can actually make it more difficult if you try to get to that state instead of letting go, it certainly is useful to start having glimpses of this state. I think completely dismissing it is just an intellectualization and actually serves the ego. It's like a spiritual ego so to say, but not a real embodyment of that insight. I may be wrong and projecting, but the way you talk gives me that impression.