Farnaby

@Recursoinominado sorry if you felt triggered by what I said. I see lots of value in self actualization and self inquiry, to remove layers of suffering. I also see value in going out there and talking to women to get better at it and developing social skills in general. What I don't agree with is this idea that you need to approach hundreds of girls before your first "success". The words approaching, success, getting a top girl, etc., all sound very objectifying and IMO that's what makes so many girls reject the guys who are approaching them with this attitude. It sounds like a job where you're trying to prove something to yourself ("oh wow I slept with this hot girl, so I must be awesome. Wait, this guy has slept with more women than me, I have to keep trying harder to be above him" lol). Of course pick up is just a method and it depends on how you use it. That's why I think it can be useful. But a lot of what I've seen is needy guys trying to calm their lack of self-esteem through getting X number of girls to sleep with them. It's like trying to raise your self esteem through grinding ranks in a video game. You will never be satisfied that way because it doesn't solve the underlying issue though. Another problem I see is that many people are copying some role model (who told them: "if you say/do this and that, followed by XYZ she will fall for you") so deep down they know if a girl falls for them she actually fell for a façade. Just my opinion though. If it works for you it's great.

Really? Why so many "approaches"? Of course practice is useful, but why would you need to approach 1000 women to get any results? Why not do the things you like and let it happen naturally instead of learning some strategy and copying some formula to then "use it on a girl"? I don't even think I've talked to so many women in my life in general and haven't needed to approach 1000 women to get laid lol.

@Javfly33 yet, you can see other people sleeping and know if they're in deep sleep or other states of sleep. So, even if you have never been conscious of your own deep sleep, you can be conscious of the deep sleep in other people.

@Meta-Man ok, I get what you mean. All thoughts appear in consciousness is what you mean? Don't you think it's still useful to understand how things work? Even if the idea "the earth is a globe" is an idea, it's useful to understand why we experience day/night, etc.

@Meta-Man yes, I agree that experience is absolute. But even if it's just a thought, it's useful to understand how we perceive stuff and why other animals perceive in a different way.

That's something I'm also skeptical about. During deep sleep there is no I who is conscious. But then, you could say that the I who is conscious when you're awake is just a thought that appears in consciousness. I don't know. I still believe that consciousness is a product of a particular brain activity.

@Leo Gura could both statements be true on a different level? Like I agree that red is red in an absolute sense. But it's also just a hallucination that our brain creates based on sensory input. If we had a different brain, the experience of red would be different.

@beastcookie Are you sure the need you are trying to satisfy is a sexual need? Or is it the need for attention that you are looking ti satisfy and sex calms down the suffering of feeling like he doesn't give you enough attention. It's important to pinpoint your authentic need. Because if it's the need for attention, getting sex will only calm it down for a while and it can become a compulsive chasing of sex. Also, be careful with thought stories like "I'm not having perfect clarity atm" because it may be preventing you from having that clarity. But coming back to the question about sex, I think the most important part is to talk it through with your partner.

IMO, it doesn't matter too much how many women you "approach" if you always do it carrying with you the belief that you are awkward/cringy (which in the end means "I'm not loveable"). It's a projection of what he believes about himself and works as a self-fulfilling prophecy because the girls he talks to can probably sense it. He's probably even sabotaging himself because of this belief. So I completely agree with @Lyubov that it would be more beneficial for him to work on these beliefs. It can be done at the same time than going out there and meeting girls. Just saying that working on his self esteem + a more natural approach than pick up would help him more IMO. Those pick up strategies seem so artificial because many guys seem to be parroting something they watched another guy do. When you just go out, meet new people without the mindset of turning it into a pick up training, you naturally learn how to relate to people in a less artificial way.

@beastcookie I'm a guy and have experienced something similar to this. Although instead of getting extremely creative I tend get frustrated and stop pursuing sex lol. Haven't found a definitive answer/solution yet. However, I've found that any kind of pushing/forcing against what is happening in the now, never works. So IME the best thing to do is to sit with the frustration/pain and not try to manipulate what is happening in any way. Because if you push and get rejected it's only going to make you feel worse and become more needy. In my case, when the time is right and we both feel connected, sex happens naturally. Talking about how you feel with your partner, without blaming him, also helps.

That's not being authentic IMO. Authenticity doesn't mean you say any thought that pops into your head. @Anton Rogachevski How I understand authenticity is what you truly are beneath your ego and all the thought stories about who/how you are. There's many layers to our personality and the more you become aware that this persona is just a set of beliefs about yourself, the more authentic you become. So I would say that we can definitely act inauthentically and it's basically any time you're not in tune with your true nature and you're acting from your ego. Since all of us (or most of us) play this game, it can be useful to not be 100% authentic in order to survive in this world. Just be mindful of when you're acting this way so it doesn't cause you too much suffering.

@Tim R haha I like most of Leo's teachings a lot and I think he communicates them very clearly.

Personally, he's my favorite philosopher/spiritual teacher. And he certainly seemed pretty enlightened to me. I find that most spiritual teachers are very narcissistic (Osho, Mooji, Teal Swan, Abraham Hicks, even Terence Mckenna) which I personally don't like. Maybe Alan Watts also liked to be a "showman" but I find him more humble.

@arlin also, I'm not implying that there isn't some truth to your beliefs. Of course there is. But you're taking them as the ultimate truth and are giving some factors (like physical appearance) way too much importance. It makes sense because of your experiences, but if you're willing to question them your life can improve a lot. Because right now you're acting from a place of lack, frustration and feeling unworthy and this works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you do some deep work and drop these beliefs you will become more confident and have more success attracting girls.

@liamnewsom202 I don't know you so I apologize if I'm wrong, but I'll give it a shot. Based on what you wrote, I think you're trying to prove yourself that you have value through succesfully speaking to girls. When it doesn't go well, you feel ashamed of yourself and beat yourself up. The reason is because you're making your self-love and your sense of self-worth conditional to a certain result (succesfully talking to girls, whatever successfully means in your mind). This is usually deeply rooted in childhood experiences during the period where you build your self-esteem based on what people mirror back to you about your value, etc. I would explore that wounded part of yourself and start giving it unconditional love. If you can't, that's ok, try to give love to the part of you that can't accept this unconditional love. These parts are trying to protect you. By getting to know them, you can access the emotional experiences that led to those parts appearing. Then you can heal the pain they're protecting you from feeling. Next time you feel the discomfort of talking to a girl, breathe into it and ask yourself if you've felt this before. Try to access the earliest memories of this feeling. Maybe someone made fun of you for making some mistake or for acting a certain way? You see how the discomfort you feel today is trying to avoid that you feel that way again? By being compassionate to all of these protective parts, you're actually starting to love yourself unconditionally which is what you're lacking. It will also help you understand why you feel the way you feel. Hope this helps!

Again, this is a limiting belief. The quality of your sex life doesn't depend on how you look. It depends mainly on the connection you create during sex, feeling into your own and your partners body and letting go of inhibitions (such as the thought that only good looking people have amazing sex). It's good that you're accepting that one shitty experience doesn't = truth. This is a prerequisite to start working on letting go of that pain and opening the door to new experiences. Are you willing to question the other limiting beliefs?

Hey! Whenever someone says something that hurts my feelings I tend to act as if it doesn't affect me. I fake smile, joke about it, etc. Other times I counter-attack, usually after having acted like it isn't a big deal for a while. I'm thinking of a particular situation that happens quite often. It has to do with my brother judging me and sending the message that I'm not good enough for some reason or another. When this happens I feel sad and angry and tend to what I said before and then I shut down and become kind of an "island". I know the ideal thing to do would be to honestly express how this affects me, but often times when I've tried it I've felt like the other person doesn't take responsibility and keeps doing it anyways, even if in the moment he/she may apologize. How do y'all deal with these kind of situations?

@Shiva99 I don't think that you want this deep down. I think your brain, like every other brain, seeks short term pleasure and avoids pain, discomfort, etc. So when you face the choice between a healthy habit (such as exercising, meditating, cooking a healthy meal) and watching porn, gambling, etc., your brain will always tend to the instant gratification from the dopamine rush. It also tends to snowball: once you start to go down the "unhealthy" route, it becomes harder to make the healthy choice. If I ask you in the middle of a gambling session if you prefer to order some fast food or stop and cook a healthy dinner, what are you more likely to choose? The good news is that healthy habits also tend to snowball, although it can be less pronounced, because they usually don't give you an instant gratification. Being aware of this is very important. There is no easy fix because this is just how our brains work. But the good news is that you can train yourself to not fall so deep into the unhealthy cycle. IME the most important part for this is starting to sit with the emotions that you're probably trying to escape through all these instant gratifications. Another thing that helps me is envision my life if I keep choosing the "easy" path over the "healthy" path. But try to not beat yourself up when you relapse. It just means that what you're trying to escape isn't healed yet. It doesn't mean that you are back at square 1. You are constantly learning and getting to know yourself better. I would also reccomend going to therapy to work on all this stuff with a professional guidance.

@Etherial Cat yes, you're right! And yes, that's what I meant. I usually have a strong emotional reaction at first but I'm pretty good at not acting out. I can get a bit passive aggressive though lol. Merci beaucoup pour ta réponse ?

Haha thanks everyone. When I don't respond, I feel like I'm not standing up for myself and letting these people cross boundaries. If I know that the other person is able to listen to me, I try to calm down and later talk about how I felt. Sometimes I react from that place of hurt and it usually doesn't solve anything. Some people get defensive and telling them how I felt just leads to another argument. I think my part in all this issue is not speaking up because I don't want to show my vulnerability around some people (like my brother). I also tend to judge myself for feeling hurt (in my head it goes something like "he/she triggered a childhood wound and you are responsible for healing it. ") and then I get stuck instead of saying how I felt.

@bejapuskas hi! I'm a mental health professional and not a big fan of medication at all. However, I think in some situations it is beneficial and can even be necessary. Some examples would be: - your anxiety is so high that most of your time is spent ruminating, having intrusive thoughts, getting frequent panic attacks, being hypervigilant. - you have a lot of trouble finding any motivation or feeling pleasure at all, which makes it very difficult to do anything at all. - you are so depressed, anxious or dissociated that you can't focus, listen, etc. - you have intense cravings because of some addiction. These are some that come to mind, but there are more (like psychosis). In general, if your symptoms make it very difficult to function in life, medication can be very useful. It's actually proven that medication + therapy outperforms other modalities (especially medication on it's own but also therapy on it's own). I would keep an open mind, because not all medications nowadays have such detrimental effects like the ones portrayed in movies or by people who are against medication. However, I also agree that it's mostly only a bandaid to make you receptive enough to therapy and in most cases the plan should be to get off of it as soon as possible.

I won't be the one to tell you that looks don't matter. But I still believe, based on my experience, that your physical appearance isn't as important as you think. I have met many people who were uglier than me and had a lot more success with women than I did. The reason was almost always their magnetic personality and good vibes. My advice is to not generalize based on that shitty experience you had.

@arlin IMO attraction is attraction. Even if you want to think of this as separate from psychological attraction, what do you prefer, to be liked for your looks or for your attitude, charisma, etc.?

I think looking good makes it easier to be perceived as attractive. But looks are certainly not the most important part. Believing it's the most important part is a limiting belief that makes it harder to project confidence, be funny, spontaneous, etc., which is actually way more important when it comes to attracting people. We are very sensitive to vibes IME and women are probably even more sensitive to this. So if your vibe makes a woman feel good, secure, etc., It doesn't matter too much if you look good or not.

True. This has been my experience as well. Easier said than done though. If I'm feeling good and in a playful mood it kind of comes naturally. But sometimes I'm in a different mood than my girlfriend for example and it's not so easy to get the communication flowing again.