Espaim

It has been 6 days since my last mushroom trip (3g). No real powerful insight came during the trip (i don't remember much of it but I did have ego loss) but now I'm starting to get some real weird reactions. I have had some "awakening experiences" in the past but nothing like this. Context: I've been meditating for 1,5 year; I have a history of depression, anxiety, demotivation and nihilism. I have tripped on 1g mushrooms before(on December). On Sunday, after the trip ended I felt like I was born again. Everything was so beautiful. I looked around and my life seemed perfect, no problems whatsoever. The thing is: this feeling didn't go away. It's now so easy to be authentic and I'm so much more disciplined to do everything I always planned to do. I stared at a pillow on Thursday and it felt like total bliss. Even pain now isn't unpleasant. Anxiety and anger come up and I can just bear with it. Even past "negative emotions" are pleasant now. I used to suffer a lot to meditate and don't even think about doing strong determination sitting. Now it's just effortless. Actually, everything is effortless. Now, about the dying part. Everyday when I exercise those behaviors that I didn't use to practice I have a strange feeling of something dying inside of me. I used to repress anger so much that now when it comes up fully I feel like I am dying. I'm becoming so much more loving and assertive. I know this was possible but didn't believe it could happen with me. All the theory I have accumulated when watching to Actualized.org and reading books seem to be so easily applicable now. Why it was so hard before? Okay. Actually, I know the answer. I used to resist the present moment so much. When meditating I couldn't go futher than 30min without becoming super restless. I created a spiritual ego around the teachings I listened to on Youtube but didn't make them happen. I created my own depression and anxiety by resisting what was happening (now I understand the video "you're not happy because you don't want to be"). Even by not browsing social media I managed to waste a lot of time on my cellphone. I listened to a lot of theory and thought that I was growing when I was just procrastinating and wasting my time. I resisted working because it seemed boring, forgetting that I chose to do what I wanted to do and my vision for the future.How could I be so ignorant of all those things? Well... I chose to, but I wasn't aware that I did. Now it's the time to actually implement most of the fucking theory I half-assed through. I won't promise doing anything here because, you know, talk is cheap. I'm fucking grateful for life and existence with all it's shit and whatever thanks

@Matt23 Here's me after 2 months! I managed to implement more self-actualization theory into my life. Dietary habits changed (quit sugar and caffeine) and I became way more social than I used to be in those 2 months. On the other hand, I had some problems with sex drive: I just didn't have any libido. After that trip it came back intensely and now I'm addicted to fapping The really bad "depression" I had just went away. Now I feel the normal range of emotions. I had some waves of wasting time on my phone and then not using it a lot over those 2 months. My discipline seems to have increased a mild amount overall. Yesterday I've done 15 minutes of Holotropic Breathwork and more repressed emotions came up. Really like it was when I took mushrooms. The anger and sadness just got purged.

Update after 6 months. After one more 3g mushroom trip on January my sex drive came back fully but it backfired. Now I'm addicted to porn. Shit. I must thereon be more careful with my wishes. I also started taking Ritalin in December. It made me very anxious and helped with motivation only a bit. Now I'm using Modafinil. General changes since september: Not a vegetarian anymore; I don't feel cognitive dysphoria as often; I feel less tired overall; Quitted caffeine completely (no chocolate, no coffee, no caffeine pills); Quitted soda completely; Quitted refined sugar (had a relapse or 2); I've been much more social (till coronavirus ) Didn't change: My motivation to do things didn't change that much. I procrastinate even on Modafinil (even though I'm able to complete more tasks while on it). I still eat a considerable amount of chips. I quit the gym because I had no money then I got back on it on february. Planning to(next 6 months): I started a simple aerobic exercise last week and I plan to follow it for at least 3 months 4x/week; Reduce the amount of fapping per week to 2 and eliminate porn; Stop eating wheat (I already reduced wheat comsumption a lot, I just didn't stop completely); Go to a dietitian and plan my eating habits accordingly; I'm probably not going to update this anymore because this is the Health section. Thanks for all your suggestions.

I feel like I'm not aligned with what I "should" be doing with my life. Going back and forth between addictions and some work here and there. Low amount of discipline. Some days I manage to get most things on my list done but generally it's not that way. Do you have a word for someone in this situation?

@Vipassana Thanks for your advice. I'll watch more videos on the topic and plan my meals accordingly. Considering my financial conditions I'll probably need to adapt some of the principles but nothing too big.

Nice work bro! Could you elaborate on "raw foods"? I'm thinking of doing the same thing but could you be even more specific? Like breakfast, lunch and dinner or whatever eating schedule you followed(if there was one). If you have any external resources to share on the matter I'd be thankful.

I had some insights on my personality on my first mushroom trip and saw a lot of things that were repressed: emotions, memories and wants. Now I see that maybe the course I'm in (Mechanical Engineering) may not be what I want to work on. The motivation to choose ME is that I wanted to expand my father's work on this area(he works as a lathe operator, not sure how it's said in English) because I really admired him. Those were somethat Blue/Orange motivations. I'm now at stage Green/Yellow, and after a lot of spiritual experiences I can see that this motivation won't really take me far. Now, after watching Actualized.org I got an extreme interest in Psychology and I'm thinking of changing courses. I don't know what I should take into consideration. I live in Brazil and university here is free, you just need to pass the entrance exam. If I decide to change, I'll lose 1,5 year of studying. I'll need to study 6 months for the entrance exam. And there's a huge change I may not pass. I don't have money for Leo's LP course. Any suggestions?

Thank you all! Those were very helpful responses. I'll make use of your suggestions. I wasn't able to catch my negative self-bias on this one hahaha.

@Hello from Russia Could you elaborate, please?

So , happy news! I tripped on magic mushrooms(1g cubensis) and had a lot of insights on my personality and, of course, sexuality. Now my sex drive went up a lot and I have a fuckton of motivation. I start the day looking forward with an amazing mood. When I first heard about psychedelics curing depression and anxiety I didn't think it would be so effective lol. I saw a psychiatrist for motivation and tiredness and he gave me methylphenidate. It was working for 1-3 hours before taking me into a shitty spiral of unproductivity. Yesterday I took a pill and was even less productive than before. I think I don't need it anymore. I'll update in some weeks to see if the effects persist. Thank you all!

Hey fellow actualizer! I'll use spiral dynamics to help me on this. People at orange and above generally tend to listen when I explain what meditation is, how it works and how they can do it. Some people just appear really uninterested and then I just don't talk about it anymore with them. With those that may be interested (mostly stage green), I ask if they would want to participate in a meditation session with me or some event that happens in my city or some retreat. Rarely someone accepts my invites I can't really decide for you on this one but maybe you could use some of this value and personality theory(SD,MBTI, Big Five) to make an somewhat accurate inference of what may happen. On how to explain: using those tools you can have a picture of what he might like in meditation. Maybe it's for the stress-relief benefits or for the spiritual connection to the universe or whatever. There's only one way to know how the person will react for sure though.

So... I didn't die. I was running low on time and motivation and I couldn't update this journal. Updates: I started studying german inconsistently. A glimpse of Truth was shown to me on October 27 I started going out more and now I actually enjoy it. Mood inconsistencies have been diminishing over time. I am struggling on university a little because I had a bout of depression from the start to the half of the semester. My gym habits started to get shaky. I don't consistently go to the gym 3x a week anymore. Working on it though. Meditation time was increased to minimum of 20 minutes. Now I'm reaching around 40 minutes. I stopped watching The Simpsons. Currently not eating any refined sugar. I started drinking coffee again.(now it doesn't have those acute effects I reported before) Internet addiction has been reduced by a marginal amount. Currently, I'm taking on a daily basis: Niacin(vitamin B3); Bacopa Monnieri. Sleep schedule is mostly good. For the next month I plan to: Work on my grades; Go out on weekends once a week; Improve my diet by introducing more healthy foods; Starting to track my habits religiously.

@Conscious life What book are you talking about?

Lol I noticed the same. I also live in Brazil and when I touch the subject of coaching people almost always react negatively.

Since 2016 I really decided that I wouldn't try to have conversations with people over text, only using it as a tool for scheduling going out with people. Now that I'm working on improving my social skills (they're already way better btw) I'm reviewing my old concepts about online communication. Why I'm reconsidering it? Because I don't really see my friends regularly and the best way (as I think right now) to improve my bonds is by IRL conversation and acitivities. I already started inviting some of them to go out to museums, smoking weed, meditation and simple activites like those (yeah, I know, the weed part...). In short: 1. Is texting a crucial social skill to develop so one can have a more fulfilling social life? 2. If yes, do you have any suggestions for developing it? 3. Your experiences, please.

I've been doing shamanic breathing following the instructions on the video for 4 weeks now(1 session per week). The first two times I tried it nothing really happened(15min). Last week I got up to ten minutes and then I had a sudden urge to scream very loudly and I started crying like a desperate person. I tried it again today and give minutes in I got the same result. What might be happening/causing this? Comments? I don't know what is happening really Background I have been depressed for some time now and it's hard to pinpoint a reason. I'm a college student and I'm not really caring about University. As a result of that my grades are going downhill and I can't give a fuck about it. It's fucking hard to study I can't concentrate a bit. It takes a lot to read even one page with lasting concentration. I've been doing meditation for 15 months 15-30min a day. PS: I don't feel shitty everyday, only most days. I made a quick Google search and depersonalization accurately describes what I'm feeling. I supplement methyl-b12 and niacin daily; hit the gym 3x a week and got a 6/10 diet

Beautiful message. I'll keep doing it to see what comes out.

Thank you for your responses!!

I went to a doctor and he told me to take rhodiola, then ashwaghanda and finally bacopa. They did help but didn't last. I'm going to a psychiatrist for the motivation part. I've been also very depressed lately. I stopped eating soy entirely. My bodyfat was never measured but by looking at sample photos it's around 20%(±2)

So I've been eating 5-10 eggs a day and nothing really changed. The improvement I suggested in my previous post was probably placebo. I started eating meat yesterday and I'll keep eating meat for 1-2 months to see if the problem is solved. I didn't get rid of sugar. I get too impulsive and just buy it and when I see I'm already eating shit. I'll see what I can do.

I've been eating 4-6 eggs a day since Saturday and I'm already feeling better. Libido is going up slowly but noticeably. I caught my mind having some sexual thoughts sometimes; I didn't have those for ages. I'm also feeling noticeably more confident(not sure if its caused by eggs). @Michael569 Thank you for your suggestion. I'll probably buy it when I run out of rhodiola rosea.

Okay then. Thank you for your suggestions. I bought a bunch of eggs and started eating them today. During the next week I'll get rid of soy. @flowboy Bro I'm really willing to make changes otherwise I wouldn't make this post. Thank you. I'll try your suggestion.

@Michael569 Do you know your blood pressure? When I measure it it's usually around 110/80 Do you often get cold extremities? I used to get it frequently but I don't anymore after supplementing B12. Do you struggle with any stubborn inflammation? Like in my body? Nothing that I have noticed. Feeling of inferiority / shyness? When I'm tired I feel inferior although generally I have low social anxiety. Hard time waking up? Mid time(lol). If I wake up and stay up for 5 minutes then the sleep inertia goes away. I rarely snooze (when I do, it's mostly on weekends). Restless leg syndrom or nervousness? It varies but I do have some symptoms of restless leg syndrom. It's not something that bothers me though. After 6:00pm+-2hrs I get a sudden boost in energy and also more anxiety(like a 50% increase, to say a number) no matter what I've been doing throughout the day. frequent shortness of breath? Only after eating too much. I tend to breathe with my belly most of the time, unconsciously. struggling with energy during day? Only after lunch, between 1:00pm and 3:30pm. Nevertheless, it's manageable. It's like I'm running on 65% body efficiency. @flowboy @SFRL Oh boy! Soy is my main source of protein. I'll have some trouble ditching it. The problem is that I'm I vegetarian. I don't have a neurosis about eating meat but that's something I'd have to think about. Whey protein and those types of supplements are out of question, as I don't work and my father's income has been reduced after some incidents. I'm currently doing a recommended training program made by the gym instructor. It's in portuguese and I'd need to learn all the names and translate them for you. It's doable, just not right now. Anyway, I don't do the exercises mentioned but I can suggest them to my instructor. @Meditationdude I just drink tea/(weak)coffee 1-2x a week max. Nothing stronger than that. I also use Rhodiola Rosea 1-2 weeks on 1-3 weeks off.

Sorry, I meant I'm a vegetarian. There is no need to do nofap because I already never fap. Like literally never. I tried some times but it didn't work.

Thank you all! During the university holidays I had a few insights into my life. Caffeine makes me crazy. That's why I said I was pretty sure I was bipolar. I'm probably not. I was just too hyped by the chocolate I ate that day. This can be said because I noticed that right after that day I got depressed three days in a row and some time later my mood stabilized. I still have some mild neurosis around relationships and socializing. After becoming conscious of this I decided that I'm going to give up my resistance and try to do what I'm avoiding. That being said, Saturday was one of the best days for me, as I employed this tatic successfully. There was a party on my house on Saturday; my birthday party. I had a lot of fun with the people here and let it loose. The perfect environment, I guess. I invited everyone so I have a little bit of connection to everyone, right?(I hope so). I felt very great afterwards. The most important point is: last year I wouldn't even have enough people to invite because I was so fucking shy. I'm very happy about myself. Nonetheless, I'm aware of fake growth. I can see that my internal neurosis and anxieties turned from strong to mild during this time. So, I'm confident to say that I evolved. Not that there isn't more growth to do (oh my god there is a lot!!!) but I need to compare myself to how I was to see how unconscious I was and how I'm like now. Being done that I can have a little glimpse of what would be like to have magnitudes higher of consciouness level. About discipline: I'm using Reddit a lot less, and that was my worst addiction that I know. I still need to develop myself some more to fight my addiction to chips and chocolate. Hobbies: probably gonna start playing the keyboard or acoustic guitar this week, along with studying French. I need to get used to my college schedule before inserting those things. Have a nice day!