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Everything posted by Espaim

  1. Consciousness work allowed me to see through my own bullshit and allowed me to get even better on doing the self-actualization work. It's a quality of a self-actualized person to be able to live with paradoxes. Why can't you do enlightenment work and bang some girls? What's wrong with having a badass job? Do you think Turquoise people don't have families? What are you going to do after enlightenment? Or you want to attain the rainbow-body and fuck that illusory shit? Reality was already totally groundless before you realized it was totally groundless.
  2. Start with a long-term vision for your life. That will get the motivation activated. Some questions: What habits would you like to have in the future? What things feel good for you right now? What habits will contribute for having the life you want in the future? If long-term happiness was the currency, what habits would you implement to become a millionaire? What roles you would like to be playing? Write out or just think about that. Then you will discover WHAT habits to create. If you just want to create habits but don't align them with your vision they'll probably not stick. If you want to keep the habits you create and don't just waste time, that's what I would recommend. For the how to:
  3. @zakur0 Can you elaborate on your experience with MDMA?
  4. "If we don't accept every card in our hand, we can't play our best." ¹ "Holy shit."² That was among the top 3 most life-changing substance-indulced experiences I had. It is right behind my first trip ever and first huge DMT dose. First and foremost, I didn't really take 230mg in one single dose. I took 80 mg and then waited 4 hours. It didn't kick in so I tried 150mg. Also, I didn't test the MDMA but my friend took it before me so I just went with it. Yes, I know that was irresponsible. No need to lecture me. I think I probably did that because the first dose actually kicked in but in a really subtle way. So, I had less anxiety and just took it. Didn't even think. Yes, clickbaity title. Before tripping, I was thinking about trying MDMA because I just wanted to know how it is. In the meantime, Leo's said in his video "Advice for young people" that most people had a moderate amount of trauma. So I thought, I probably have a great amount. I suffered a lot bullying, beating by colleagues in primary school and my parents weren't really emotionally present in my life during my childhood. I had a great amount of anxiety 3 years ago that was somewhat healed by now, by antidepressants, meditation and psychedelics(the most influencing factor). After reading r/mdmathreapy on Reddit I saw that MDMA can work on people with traumas way worse psychologically than what I had, so why it wouldn't work on me?? Let's try. So my intention was: emotional healing and shadow work. I read a good amount of information about set, setting and dosage. The only variable I fucked up was dosage. No problem anyway. When the MDMA kicked in, I was at my living room reading on my Kindle. Then bam. It just kicked and I felt a great deal of euphoria. My jaw started clenching and I started to tremble. After 10 minutes this passed. While shaking like a Pinscher, I looked myself in the mirror. WOW. Is that me? Holy shit. I am are so beautiful. I actually think I am handsome but man, that was way beyond anything I ever felt for myself. Everything looks so beautiful and there are no problems whatsoever. I hugged myself in the most lovable way possible. Never felt that amount of love. I felt totally confortable being me in my body. I went to my music room and lied on my bed. Called my friend because I was so eager to talk to someone. He didn't really talk much during the experience. It was like a virtual trip sitter. I though talked a bit. Okay. So I thought. Let's do the work. I started remembering all things that had a profound effect on my personality and it was just effortless to love anyone and anything that happened to me. Easy. So I started loving inconditionally everyone that kicked me, punched me or did anything I thought did some threat to my sense of self. Effortless. When I tried to do that sober, it was like there was someone punching my chest. It actually hurt. Then, I started loving people I somehow didn't like any feature for any reason. Easy. The hardest part was loving myself. I started to love every word that didn't align with my ideals, every deed that I didn't like, every habit I hated having, any emotion I previously repressed. Wow. That actually made me have a shift in perception. I created all those habits to protect my sense of self, and I accept that. My inner child, vulnerable, defenceless, unlovable was now receiving everything it needed. I'm free from such burden now! How could that happen? WOW Then, I had a insight. I love my dad more than a serial killer or a child rapist because my father isn't so big of a threat to my survival. If I didn't need to survive, it would be totally effortless to love both equally. And by survival I don't mean in the physical sense, I mean in the conceptual. The ego. It's just obvious. In that state, I could love both equally. That was Unconditional love. Now I know what actually is Love. Maybe not really in depth but better than my whole life. For some time, I was trying to find what I should do with my life. Then, I asked myself that on DMT. The answer: you already know what to do. I asked myself that on MDMA. The answer? You already know what to do. Shit. I wasn't really confident when making decisions for myself. I am the creator of my life. Of couse I already know what to do. It's doing what I create for me to do! There's nothing else that could be done. Okay, a bit of circular reasoning but in my head this does make sense. Now, 3 days after, I feel like the effects subsided. There are some curious things that I noticed, though. I always used to have a feeling in my chest like something is contracted. Now this is gone. I attribute this to anxiety. The tyrant that used to live in my head is just quiet. It seems like I can feel a broader range of emotions now. My body is just doing its work, almost effortlessly. Maybe those effects are due to afterglow. I'll discover in some weeks. Until then, I'll have to find some way to integrate the insights I had. If I were to be Unconditionally Loving, how would my life be? If I was totally secure and confortable in my body, how would I act? If I were to be totally honest all times, how would I speak to myself and others? If I actually lived life as the creator, how would I live? I don't really plan on doing MDMA in the near future (years). I'll stick with psychedelics for now as I'm more focused on consciousness work. But hey, that was a really valuable experience. If I could go back and inform myself better before, I would: Test the MDMA Take a 120mg dosage; maybe a 60mg booster Turn off the lights when remembering events Write out events that I planned to work on beforehand. Although I found really easy to remember everything. It was like my bad memories were totally unrepressed Meditate for some minutes during the peak That's it. ¹ Integral Life Practice - Ken Wilber ²Me, when MDMA kicked in
  5. Reading radical honesty was a really great addition to that MDMA trip. Currently learning how to do that.
  6. Just an addition. When I repressed my sexuality I believed 100% I didn't want to have sex or masturbate. Not kidding when saying 100%. When I had crippling social anxiety I believed 100% socializing was a burden and not necessary whatsoever. When I was depressed and suicidal I 100% believed that life isn't worth living. Maybe is you trying to not admit to yourself that you feel fear. I don't know you. You don't need to tell me what you feel. But don't lie to yourself. Really, is there no fear?
  7. Sorry? You can change your core habits but it's still hard to focus on your studies? I didn't get what you are saying. See through your own bullshiting. I bullshitted myself into thinking I couldn't concentrate. The truth was I was so fucking full of repressed emotions and victim mindset that it was hard to keep my own bullshiting and study. I had to drop one. Not saying that you don't have a real neurotransmitter problem. But for me, I was just bullshitting myself.
  8. @universe took the words out of my keyboard (mouth). That's it.
  9. I would make a bet here and think that you already know what to say and how to say it. The fear is holding you down.
  10. Pretty good advice above. Just my 2 cents: Been there, done that. Learned some lessons. I wouldn't do it again. Healthy diet and psychedelics helped much much more. But if you think you are feeling so bad you cannot even do any changes then it would be cool to take some stimulants to kickstart the process. Some systems thinking for you: If you insert a crutch into a system to solve a problem, the system should be able to solve the problems in time to remove the assistance. If not, the system may start to adapt and the problem may get even harder to solve.
  11. @Serotoninluv I'll also be honest about my projections. I think I wasn't clear when writing this post. I first and foremost want to be 100% honest with MYSELF.
  12. Hello! I've been having feeling fatigue in the afternoon since I know myself as a person. Periods of low and high energy and motivation thorough the day were common but by working on my diet and sleep schedule they greatly improved. Now this fatigue comes by 2:00pm and doesn't go away until 6:00pm. When it goes away it's like a burden has been lifted from me. It's very hard to exercise in the afternoon. What I've tested and didn't help: Cocoa powder; Caffeine;coffee;(those actually make me way more tired) Ritalin;(makes me anxious and tired) Modafinil;(makes me anxious and even more tired. Awesome.) Rhodiola rosea; Reducing lunch size; Eating no lunch; Napping(If I do nap only 90-180 minutes nap does it); Fasting from 1pm to 6-7pm; Daily meditation 1h(greatly increases my energy but is unrealible. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't); Sleeping on a fixed schedule 9pm-6am; Psilocybin mushrooms: they decrease the bad afternoon feeling but don't prevent me from wanting to sleep. Obs: all those things help my overall energy through the day but don't really address the afternoon slump issue. How's my diet: I don't eat any gluten or dairy. I occasionally consume sugar but it's like 1-2 times a week in small amounts. I consume eggs, lentils, rice, a reasonable amount of fruits and vegetables. 3 portions of processed food a week average. Going to reduce it to 0 in the next weeks. I'm currently not able to go to a doctor because Corona virus!! I'm open to questions and suggestions.
  13. Hey!! I'll probably be trying MDMA this week. Not sure what day. I don't really want to try this substance only to feel good. I want to work through traumas and my shadow. I don't have any great trauma or something like that but after listening to Leo's video "Advice for young people" I really want to go down this rabbit role. I'm planning on taking it alone in my room and start going through all my life and every shit that happened that I found that was a thread to me or my ego and love it. Love everything. Love the people who bullied me and who betrayed me. Love the things I don't really like about me. Integrate repressed emotions and desires. I have been doing this with psychedelics already and a great deal of progress has been done. This time, I want to work the issues I am fearful to go deeper when on psychedelics. Do any of you have any tips? I plan to write, speak and record and do meditation while on it. Also, do some shadow work using the 3-2-1 method found in the book Integral Life Practice. When the effects start to come down, I would listen to music and dance (because I want to understand why it's such a popular drug in raves )
  14. Yes. -------------------------------------- Thank you for your responses. Just posting the trip report so people can refer to it later.
  15. My default position: be honest, both when being kind and mean.
  16. What's the problem with looking cold? What's the problem in looking serious? Don't tell me some bullshit that if you look like x it'll be a problem because x. It looks like you are putting the cart before the horse here. If you get free from social anxiety when you "impose" youself, then do that. Work first on getting rid of social anxiety and THEN think about how you could not look cold or serious. Maybe you'll even drop that want.
  17. Thank you so much! I liberated myself from some trauma on dating and I was searching for some conscious material.
  18. I'm already loving when sober (like MBTI feeler type, y'know). My cellphone was by my side during the whole experience. I noticed this when I was on MDMA like hmm, that's not THAT different. The thing is, I am not INCONDITIONALLY loving when sober. That's the hard part. I used to think I was INFJ but that's because of my undercover social anxiety. I always thought that ENFJ would fit better but I was somewhat shy. I have noticed some change in the way I interact with people after this experience, even though I didn't do any extensive actual social interaction during it. Maybe doing it alone it's a totally different experience.
  19. Have you read this thread? It may be useful.
  20. Holy shit!! Hahahaha. OMG I'll post a report later.
  21. I would drop any friendship based on drugs. Shitty friendships will drag you down and be a setback on your development. I had many shitty friendships, trust me. Just drop them. If it's possible, find understanding people you can have a good conversation and just chill. Maybe some weed or non-addictive drug here and there but make sure it's not the only thing that bonds you to the person. Maybe ou'll eventually find some psychedelic crazy fans or self-improvement junkies out there, those are the weird people you may be friends if you like that type of shit I have. It's possible to find cool friends. Usually, when you find someone you resonate with, they also have several other friends you can also resonate with. Then, make friends with them and your social circle will grow exponentially. Also, if you pursue your interests with passion you will probably find like-minded people. That's a rough, man. I quit caffeine, ritalin and modafinil. In the long-run, having natural energy provided by healthy diet, sleep and exercise will be way better for you body and general well-being. I'm also working on those. Also, what do you WANT? Where do the people you would like to become friends with go? What they do? What are their interests? Would they like to hang out with you? Be honest here. Wish you luck!!
  22. More focused on dating: Models - Mark Manson It's a good book overall for turning into someone more authentic(and that will by itself improve your social skills. don't believe me, try for yourself )
  23. After this trip a lot of shit has been purged from me. A lot of repressed anger and sadness has got out. Planning now on doing Shadow Work daily following the Integral Life Practice 3-2-1 instructions.
  24. So, it's been some time again. As I said, my plan wasn't to update frequently anyway. My goals now have changed a lot. Last week I had my 5th trip on psychedelics, specifically DMT and that increased my counsciousness by a lot for some time. Updates in Italic: