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@ivankiss Case in point. It is incredibly more difficult to maintain personal development/spiritual enlightenment within the context of society and all the relationships they involve vs isolation. It's easier to feel pious when integrating aspects of your personality with others and become triggered when they don't match up. At least, that is what I have found on my journey.

@flowboy Oh you know, they said all kinds of fun monkey chatter things with their fun monkey minds! Their chatter became mine and as I became more of what they were and less in alignment with myself that chatter grew within me. "They" were right about many dark aspects of me. I mean after all, how many lucky fools are born unlike dogs chasing their tales in toxic relationships? hehehee ... Perhaps a few. Regardless, in all those beautiful dark parts of me is where "they" and I have found futility and consequently seeds of real freedom. I say, please mock me, and show me what insecurities I have so I can address them again and again until that day arrives that you look in the mirror and giggle in disbelief ***

Another distraction (aka resistance). Book: The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

What if they're right? ... In my life they were. Accepting that was the best evolution that ever came to be.

I love this ... "soul buddy" ... that's you! You are your soul buddy of course but another thought is ~ maybe you attract what you are, not what you want.

So much good insight here & just want to echo it's all about your relationship with yourself. We all have multiple "sides" to us that give us different messages. Honor & try to integrate them without judgement if possible because one day in your search for true love you're going to look in the mirror and point to that reflection with disbelief. It's you. It's always been you.

Ketamine is contraindicated in pharmacological practice in those with any history or active psych disorders secondary to its dissociation properties. Watching people trip on ketamine generally isn't a pleasant experience. They call it a K-hole for a reason.

It's hard to understand why we would embrace radical self love and or universal love yet not allow ourselves to share intimacy with another if that's what we truly wanted. I often wonder if the difference is in understanding we do not need it, as infinite love is something we can experience on our own, rather we chose to express it in the body. The question being, does the practice of creating "meaningful relationships" where "self esteem, belonging and intimacy" align with your vision of "self-help, life purpose and spirituality". If you're assigning meaning to your "life purpose", what would be the difference in assigning meaning to expressing your feminine love in an outwardly way so that you may connect in groups and experience the body? Imagine what the world as we know it would look like without intimacy, without feminine energy? The illusion would be much different. Are we going to transcend the body in such a way we are 100% aware/conscious 100% of the time? Perhaps. But is there nothing to be gained/experienced in the body (i.e. body awareness, cellular memory, etc.). I personally believe in experiencing the body through intimacy and believe it's possible to do so and continue your own path of spiritual growth. We are probably at different stages. ::))

"When we are free from as well as free to pursue or goals and dreams, it’s when we have found true happiness" Really do love this! Been overachieving at failure in the last two weeks (in several areas) and attempting to "lose" with less emotion involved...attempting to love whatever comes my way without worrying about the outcome, but remaining steadfast in my intentions. "Losing" people can be challenging for someone like me, but learning to be "happy" which can mean embracing other emotions (i.e. feelings of loss, despair, embarrassment, humility) is an art of learning to love oneself. To feel gratitude for someone teaching me about loss and at the same time embarrassingly weep in private for the "loss" is certainly a new version of "happiness" and self love for me.

I find it fun to put the phone in my pocket and look at people wherever I go. In the chance I catch a glimpse of their eyes flash a smile, a sustained glance or strike up a conversation. Every once in awhile I can get a stranger to laugh at one of my stupid jokes, but usually a smile in a mere effort is enough for me. If you can get someone to dance I would recommend that too. Even if the engagement is deemed low quality as evidence by their lack of appreciation of our dancing skills I'd say it's still a win in the archaic war against modern technology.

@kieranperez Man, I'm so sorry about that living situation: been there. Step one: Get out of that house so you can create your own environment. Even if you have to move to another state, sell your stuff, call on an old lost cousin, hitch hike, use craigslist, etc - GET OUT. Make it your only priority. It's possible. I have to commend you for being on this journey with how young you are. I've read your posts and you seem very knowledgeable and thoughtful in regards to the work. I studied similar work when I was in my older teens and young 20's starting at 16 with a book that changed my perspective called Be Here Be Now by Ram Dass. I remember being 20 yrs old in NYC at the time when the towers fell and was reading a book called St. John of the Cross. It's about the decent into darkness prior to enlightenment and I remember thinking "I can't do this. I'm not even close and I don't have the discipline for it". I put it down and haven't touched this work again until now - I'm 37. My ability to understand it is eons above what was previously possible due to age and life experience. Like Leo said, take it easy and have patience, you're further than many others.

@Arthur Couldn't agree more. The first time I heard Leo, I was thinking ... my god it's like someone took all the feelings inside my confused little body and made sense of them. Things I couldn't assemble but could feel. And knew it wasn't by accident he could speak to me this way. It took an incredible amount of persistence and self-discovery on his part to do so. My light "turned on" again. Leo changed my life in such a profound way. There have been so many days I've come home from a demanding job, a demanding partner, a world projecting it's version of life on me, and then alas there's Leo who recommends a book, a video, a thought that completely transforms me. I definitely respond to the style. @ivankissThe community is different for sure, but like someone else said, everyone is on a different path and at a different stage and more than likely going through some radical changes themselves. It's not generally personal. I'm a newbie here too & would like to say I think it's rad you're here, you're on this journey & I'm not alone

@HellspeedTotally agree! I'm incredibly open to love and pursuing a relationship but it can be hard to find someone understanding & open minded enough to give you space for personal development/awakening without feeling insecure. There's part of the journey we walk together, and there's part of the journey it seems we walk "alone". Men I've met in the last few years want marriage, kids & moving in at record speed. We aren't wild dogs, why must we be domesticated?

Don't change how much you eat, change what you eat.

High quality woman at any age aren't going to be into manipulation, playing games, being ignored, materialism or partying all the time. If you're looking to get laid that is one thing, but if you want a lasting girlfriend integrity and values are a character choice non-contingent on self-actualization. Unfortunately, that's just as hard to find. In my experience, people don't explore their sexuality or personal needs in a relationship well enough to know what they require to be fulfilled let alone be honest about it once they do. Too much guilt and shame around who people "should" be vs. who people are when they aren't afraid of themselves. Everyone's a little neurotic shall we say. It takes courage to remove that mask. Lonely existence indeed.

Can't deny this pulled a little on a familiar part of my being for a minute and had to say, I get you - My life is a mess too. I'm a mess too. Yet, I totally understand the sweet power in changing negative motivation around! An Italian-Irish Catholic raised gal knows a bit about personal whipping and brow beating to say the least and consequently an enormous amount about Neurosis with a capital N. Procrastination and feeling stuck quite frankly (i'm just going to say it) sucks sweaty balls! BUT - it was different for me in the sense negative reinforcement was what I knew best, and I did hit my personal "rock bottom" whatever that means for each of us and honestly it transformed me. Hell, Leo changed my life and I just started in October. It's been the worst and best 2 years of my life because all that negativity well it rubbed and rubbed and rubbed and somehow I needed better. I know nothing but that at least now some of the intense ball suckery (i.e. owning your shit and being mind blown by it) is better than being unaware of what I was doing and why I wasn't passionate about my life when there was nothing but life, love and fire in me. Yasssssss!! Just get there, ya know motivated to start taking small pieces at a time. And when you do you'll have to be just as patient because you're going to fuck up there too (like A LOT). Having some cathartic experience or serotonin levels through the roof isn't always the way. Sometimes that leads to trying to do everything at once and that can be very self-defeating, confusing and more painful then you dreamed possible...more reason to brow beat. I saw this after purchasing a ton of books, crazy journaling, yoga, diet changes followed by one fucking incredible backward slide into a bad relationship (ya know "comfort", whiskey, sex). Escaped that one again, but realized this is a walk not a run. Same lesson for me - get cozy man, take your time, develop Y O U ... however you need to... quietly, sadly, happily, positively, negatively. THEN, when you do get a little momentum make sure to practice a lot of personal forgiveness and love. No race. Just you. Anyway - I'm not on your path and wouldn't assume to understand, but I'm for you and your growth! "The cure for pain is in the pain" ~ Rumi

First time hearing this analogy and loving that you shared it! Recently had a brief experience that was similar igniting some fire on this path for me that seems to wax and wane with life's current. Spark ♨_♨

It sounds like a cardiac stress test might not be a bad idea unless you've already ruled out any cardiac issues like consistent hypertension, valvular issues or a lack of blood blow flow to your coronary arteries. Chest pain/tightness is a specific sign related to coronary vessel occlusion unless you suffer from GERD or gastric emptying after meals. Although these are symptoms, if they occur at rest, can cause huge issues down the road if not treated pretty quickly. I recently cut out cardio and started focusing on weights and core work due to time constraints which has definitely decreased my cardio/pulmonary workload and I've still kept some shape here and there. Figured it's better than nothing and I'll take what I can get these days. Maybe try cutting out any cardio and not increasing weights too fast/heavily while focusing primarily on nutrition? Skip the HIIT. I think it's interesting though how stress on our heart (i.e. tightness or lack of blood flow) can mimic so many things, especially anxiety. It took me a year to figure out I wasn't having intense reactions inside my body related to silent anger or frustration, but rather panic attacks from prolonged anxiety. The symptoms often mimic one another and can trigger either. Such a trip! Seriously, thanks to Leo for helping me understand the importance of actually listening to me body! Hope you find a good solution!