kag101

hello! chess - writing down goals is magical i've made some nice improvements at chess. i was stuck at 800 elo. but then i started playing longer matches (30 minutes per player). and i prefer because then i can focus on the chess itself, and not so much about time management. i have reached 900! that's pretty cool. and, guys, i can't stress enough about how powerful writing down your goals/desires are. it seems so simple that a lot of people simply don't do it. but it's almost magical how it works. i had set this goal in april. and i'm pretty sure i'll pull it off. the mind can be a son-of-a-bitch. why? because it can simply forget about all the progress that i've made, all the problems that i have overcome and simply focus on what is going wrong in my life. i feel like just being aware of this bad habit is already a big step towards overcoming it. obviously, being harsh on myself for focusing too much on problems will not help at all. fire cannot be put out with more fire. only with water. sometimes the most important thing to do is DOING NOTHING i'm anxious about whether i'll be able to change my college classes to the evening. that was the only option for the hybrid version of psychology. i'd rather study in the morning, but i think it's much worth it having: classes 3x a week in the evening vs classes 5x a week in the morning it'll be much easier to convince myself to attend the classes if there are fewer of them. for instance, if i'm having a sunday blues, i can say to myself:" it's okay, you just have to go on monday and tuesday; then, you'll have two days off." >>>>>>>>> that'd be really neat but right now... i simply have to wait. i'd say there's a 85% chance that it will work out. my biggest worry is whether there are spots for the evening classes. if there aren't, that'll suck. they said it usually takes 2-3 weeks to get a response. so right now i have to exercise my patience muscle. it's not easy to not let anxiety take control over me. it's all about emotional intelligence. question out of nowhere there's this guy whom i talk with. and he's really really nice. he's really simple. he grew up on the countryside, and it has sort of a purity in him that it's really rare to find. anyway, yesterday he asked me out of nowhere if it bothers me that he's "evasive" about romantic relationships. and he also wanted to know what do i want from him, that is, being just his friend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, etc. i said that i think it's hard to assess that given the fact that we have only met in-person once. but that i think it would be good to just let things roll, without the need of giving the relation we have a label. when i first started talking with him, i got totally infatuated, up to a point in which i was sleeping poorly. he really reminded me of a guy i was really into but who lost interest in me lol. so i projected this onto him. but fortunately, things settled. would i have a monogamic romantic relationship with him? idk. a written down goal i've started to really go out with people recently (1 year and a half). so i'm still exploring. unfortunately, i still haven't gone out with a girl. speaking of writing down goals, i want to go out on a date with an interesting girl by the end of the year. i have a clear preference to guys, but i also like girls. a missing piece, but maybe should have focused on it another time i also wrote him that one thing that i notice about him is that we don't really talk about sexual things. a few months ago, i was trying to crack some dirty jokes. it didn't really work tbh lol. and, like it or not, to have a relationship with someone the person has to have a "sexual" side. if it's just water, then it becomes boring. fire is also needed. i kind of regretted to having written that. maybe i should have left it to say that on another occasion. but whatever, it's nothing big. he hasn't replied yet. i'm just going to let him take his time. i'm curious to see what he's going to say. lol.

I think this approach of heavy repression towards sexuality is counterproductive. It's one of those things which the bigger the repression, the bigger the obsession. Do you have an active sex life?

i was reading some of my earlier posts that is me some months ago. the classes that i ended up taking were very crappy. and right now i feel the opposite of that. i think it's going to suck. and in-person classes will probably return. so i will have to watch those stupid lectures. i mean, i acknowledge that i'm oversensitive. it's just that i don't want to waste my energy with something that i don't like. and the classes that i took last semester were doing the favor of making me get aversion towards psychology, which is something i really like. it's just... dissapointing... i was so excited after my first class. it was really good. i'm feeling sad because of that. at some point, i had thought that i had found something that i would enjoy doing and which was tied to my life purpose. i'm craving for this stability in regards to the direction of my life, and that is something that i haven't felt in years. no, it didn't work. you don't even have the chance of changing to this modality. i'm really pissed that i wasn't able to change to the hybrid version of the major. why didn't i think about this when i was enrolling to classes?!?! like how come i didn't think how the fewer times i go to the campus, the better. but no... i followed the stupid advice of my therapist "oh, i think the more in-person classes you take, the better." it pisses me off. and now i'm fucked. i will have to deal with a lot of stupid teachers. i will feel like a slave to my schedule. i will feel that typical sunday blues. one thing to keep in mind is that if it sucks, this can be temporary. it's not as if i'm doomed to have the pathetic lifestyle of most people, which includes hating your occupation.

i see. i'm sorry to hear you're having to endure so much pain that's affecting your quality of life. did you go to a rheumatologist? they are the ones who can help the most. if i were you, i'd try as much as i can to find a way to alleviate this pain in the conventional way. like going to different doctors, doing physiotherapy for at least 3 months, going to a psychiatric session which could help see if maybe you're dealing with, for instance, generalized anxiety disorder, which can create many physical symptoms. and then if you exhausted all your options, then it's time to accept it and try to live with it. a very renowned vipassana teacher, Goenka, claim that meditation retreats helped him tremendously. so you might try that out. psychotherapy can also help a lot to find ways to cope with this pain, and maybe uncover emotional wounds. ps: be careful about spiritual people who promise miraculous results. ps 2: thanks for recommending this ted talk. sounds interesting. i'll check it out! best of luck!!! ☘️

PISSED at my college ,my vacations end this week. and i hate that i'm not looking forward at all to returning. my first semester started really well. the teacher was great, and i felt like i was really learning. but then, the other teachers were just... bleh! crap. fortunately, i didn't watch the classes because they were online, so i didn't have to worry about attendance. i'm not optimistic about this new semester, and that sucks. i know that studying can be fun! sure, there will always be a suject that i'm not fond of. but those should be the exception, not the rule. if i get 0 pleasure from the majority of classes, then it's time to rethink whether i should continue. i was trying to change to a more hybrid version of my major. but the freaking college only has vacancy for classes in the evening. i say that's BS. i got really pissed because of that. i don't know how the hell would there be no more spots. after all, i'm already in that class. i'd be literally in the same class. the only difference is that i would go to fewer classes. this was very frustrating. i was almost making it work, but then... BAM! "no more spots" i will persist on trying. i've scheduled an in-person meeting with the staff of the college so that i can explain my situation. theoretically, they don't deal with that kind of problem in-person. but i will try it anyway. i feel like this is my biggest odd for succeding in continue to study. i will see what i can do. i've been considering taking evening classes. i'd rather continue to take morning ones. but we'll see... i'm getting anxiety just of thinking about having to wake up early everyday to watch boring-ass classes. dang... it's been challenging times...

have you gone to a doctor?

interesting being extroverted is different from being shallow. socrates, the father of philosophy, was a social guy. that's clearly an unhealthy extroverted it's just like an introvert who is alone 24/7. conversely, a lot of introverts are too inwardly focused. they get stuck in their own little inner world which makes it impossible to express their gifts to the world.

wow that was deep. it reminded me of the movie Taxi Driver. @Onecirrus i think you should follow this advice, because i think you're on the verge of a breakdown. you're clearly an ambitious guy, but you have to be strategic. rome wasn't built in a day. take Leo as an example. he runs a business that is aligned with his LP. but before that he had to go through the "traditional" route for some years to be financially independent. a tree with weak roots won't grow properly. it will eventually collapse. and i'm worried that this might happen to you. take care!

haha, i agree. i prefer to meditate in a private and calm setting. some say it's good to be around chaos as to not judge it -- but i think this is for more advanced practitioners.

thing is, it's hard to find an excellent professional. otherwise, it's better not to do it. it's much deeper than "just talking". btw - soft can be extremely powerful. water doesn't resist anything, yet it overpowers everything careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that psychedelics are a magic pill.

cutting ties this past week was challenging. a guy who i was friends with benefits with decided to cut ties with me. he said he had fallen in love. it sucks that happened. i cried a lot when i saw that he had unfollowed me on instagram. i still had some hope that we could be only friends... i understand that in some cases, being only friends doesn't work. i'm calmer now. so i can see the situation with more clarity. analyzing i had some very deep and satisfying conversations with this guy, and i found him attractive. on the other hand, he is not emotionally balanced. he battles with depression (with suicidal tendencies), and he's also unhappy where he's living every once in a while, he would screw it up. but, because i had seen the potential in our relationship, i would try to get over with as quick as possible. then, there was some stability. but sooner or later, he would do another thing that would make him lose points with me. so basically, i think it was for the best. our interaction was causing pain both to me and to him. i feel like it ended prematurely though. . i wrote him a letter, which i will probably not send it, in which i vented for 1 hour. it was important. in a way, i'm kinda glad that our relationship is over, because i was worried about his mental health. and now it's as if this burden was taken off of me. and i'm glad that i won't have to deal with his drama anymore. without some emotional stability, it is impossible to cultivate a friendship long-term. grieving as if he had died but i won't lie. i miss him. and i know that he misses me too. there's nothing left to say about this. it's over. and gradually i will overcome this, meet new people. and he'll do the same. when i realized that i wasn't going to talk with him anymroe, it felt like he had literally died. it was painful. we tried to work things out many times, but it didn't. i'm grateful for our interaction. it was positive, and i will remember him for the rest of my life. i wish we would be in touch for a longer time. but that was not the case. that said, it's better to end it prematurely than to drag it for a very long time. it was the first time that something like this happened to me. that is, having to cut ties because another person had fallen in love with me. being truly mature i'm glad that we ended things on good terms. he communicated what he was feeling and his decision. it was painful, but i understood it. it was a situation that helps me be a more mature human being. an adult. being truly mature is so good. it's not about rigid self-discipline. but it's as if i could have a good relationship with my inner child. being rational & caring towards my innocence. it's hard to accept. but i've gone through similar situations, and i know i'll survive. what if he gets in touch with me again? i will ponder whether i want it or not. because right now i don't even know if i want him to be in my life. and i doubt that he's going to change. he's a very monogamic/romantic type of person. random stuff i've been trying to swiping on tinder for like 10-15 minutes per day. it's statistical. sooner or later, i'll meet some cool people. i had a match with an attractive girl, and that was a good surprise. she's fun. i was talking with my therapist how i'm afraid of other people falling in love for me. the internet can be a very toxic place. when my screen time is higher than 6 hours, then it gets toxic. i went out with another friend, but i didn't kiss him. i was not in the mood for it. anyway, it really helped me. because i had been spending too much time by myself and on the internet. it's important to hang out. it distracts the mind. i wish i was enjoying my college experience.

I understand. I'm pretty sure they were crappy professionals. I really hope you find good ones. It's a totally different experience. It's very transformative. When my mental health was bad, I would do deep contemplation for hours, and seeing in retrospect, it just made matters worse... What I truly needed was a trustworthy human being who is qualified to help me out. Check this out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania

how can you be so sure that psychotherapy is "too soft"? but they can also make one get heavily traumatized, trigger psychotic breaks, etc. it's an overly high risk gamble, especially if you're doing it alone.

gaining weight... it's nothing that big, but i dont like having to worry about that. i'm kinda traumatized, as i struggled with mild eating disorder in the best. but i know that there is definitely room for improvement in how i have been eating. for instance, desserts. there is a huge difference between eating a small portion and a huge one. so i will try to make these changes through self-negotiation. Self-negotiation >>>>>> Diets My fears are 1) end up thinkign about food way too much 2) my appettite stops working properly. so even if i ate, i will still be hungry. the first day when making a change is always the hardest. and if i don't succeed and end up eating like i was, then i don't really have to worry that much because i don't have a huge problem. that said, i do feel like it's important to invest some emotional labor into limit how much food. the trap is getting neurotic about that and end up getting too rigid, which can happen as i have this tendency. facing things head-on i didn't know if i was going to step on the scale to see my weight. but i decided to face it. i was inspired by a lecture i saw yesterday. it's of a guy who has a terminal cancer and knows he's going to die in more or less 6 months, but he faces this situation in an amazing way. it's really inspirational. btw, you don't have to watch the whole thing. just the first 6 minutes or so.

Whether you have experienced kundalini or not, you should go to a good psychiatrist either way. Be careful with the trap of spiritualizing mental illness. I've had a similar experience in 2016. The difference was that I was on that state 24/7. I thought that I was getting enlightened. But actually I was on the verge of a psychotic break. It was hard for my spiritual ego to accept that, and it was definitely one of the hardest periods of my life. But anyway, if it starts to get too intense, then forget about kundalini and seek medical care. Good luck, man!

is one month ago, literally, the same as today? what if there's a bear going after you?

keep in mind that it's also not sustainable to have a overly rigid approach to self development but like... what change you want to make? eat less ice cream? this is my favorite video from leo

here's my 2 cents: you can't think your way out of overthinking, lol @gggkkk nice reply. insightful!

Haha neither do I. Omg, how complicated... Do you have any hobbies?

Chess getting destroyed chess has been frustrating. i had gone up to 800, but i think i was actually lucky. i am playing with people at this elo and i'm getting my ass kicked most of the times. it pisses me off. so i think it's actually better if i lose some elo so that i can play with guys that are closer to my level. it's one thing to have resilience, it's another to get destroyed every time. this saps the joy out of the game. and it gets so frustrating that i end up wanting to quit. i mean, i make some pretty silly mistakes. if i could stop making those, then i would have a better chance. it's not that the guys that i'm playing are super good. no. but they're significantly better than the ones i had been playing. players that have a rating 500-700 are weak. that's good, because then i don't have to be so alert during the game. i can miss an opportunity or blunder something, because my opponent will likely make many mistakes. insight as to why i'm making so many blunders i do think i am playing against people who are beyond my level. i think that i'm making silly mistakes because i've been focusing on more advanced stuff, so because of that, i end up not paying attention to the basic stuff. so now i've been playing at a different category (it's called blitz; the games are shorter), in which i have a lower elo. It's 630 or something. It was a relief to play against weaker players, lol. And it's also good to practice playing some shorter games. the overwhelming majority of the players prefer this modality. i prefer some longer ones (10 minutes per player). the roots = most important it's really interesting to go through a real example of the mastery process. a spur of progress, then plateau, backsliding, then progress, etc. it's so freaking important to not skip steps. that is, i'm at "level 2" right now, but if i have to play simpler chess than there's no shame in that. it's like a pyramid. the foundation have to be solid. would i like to be a great player and improve quickly? yes. am i comparing my rating with other beginners i know? yes. i've been really hooked up on this game lol. i mean, it's not an addiction, because i am able to stop when i get too stressed. and i don't think about it all the time. but it's something that i am naturally attracted to these days. my guess is that by next year, i will be doing something else. but i will still play from time to time. breaking a pattern: totally interested, then aversed i used to have a bad pattern: i would totally immerse myself in a new hobby. but then i would get so fed up with it that i would get aversion. for example, movies. i would watch a movie per day. and i focused on the classics. but then after a year or so, i got tired of it. and nowadays i rarely see movies lol. but i don't think that's what's happening in the case of chess. because it's something that i have recently started so it's natural to have an extra interest. it's just like when you fall in love with a person. there's the honey-moon phase, and eventually things start to settle. the problem is when the honey-moon is exaggerated. but, again, it's not the case. also, i feel like i have a lot of room for growth. it's like i know that i will have a breakthrough in the foreseeable future. but i know that eventually, i will get stuck at a level. and if i wnat to really imrpove, i will have to dedicated too much time to it — which i will not do, lol. i always had a inferiority complex in regards to logic, math, etc. so it's cool to have this new hobby. it's a step-by-step process. i'm not a genius, but i'm not super retarded neither. random thoughts • i will go out with the guy i mention on the last post on this sunday. i think i will go with him at a place to get a piercing on my eyebrows lol. • another guy that i used to go out has told me that he had fallen in love with me, and that he thinks it's better if we distance ourselves for now. i'm really not sure if we will cut ties. i hope not, because he's nice and interesting to talk with. he's attractive, but i don't have this romantic interest in him. • i simply haven't been watching my college classes. next week will be the final exams. and i'm glad that is so. i hope next semester will be better. i want to change to a modality that has more online classes. i'm afraid of losing my scholarship. but i think that it would be worth it even if i lost it. • i had a big insight about how i should let my body do its thing. whenever i interfere, i screw things up. for example, some years ago, i wanted to sound better. but after a while, my voice got very whispery and it was sounding artificial and unpleasant. and i would get a sore throat because of that. so instead of trying too hard, i should trust that my body knows what to do. i mean, there are billions of years of evolution behind me. so i guess nature is more competent than my little ego. thanks for reading feel free to dm me if you want a self-actualizing friend, hehe

Negotiate with yourself to limit how much ice cream you have. If you take the approach of “never eating it again”, then sooner or later it’ll backfire.

So it's just anectodal evidence? Aren't you trusting those experiences you had too much? What if this "seeing" you've had is actually illusory? How is this not solipsism? And you are claiming that you have that power?

Solipsism? How can you be so sure? I hope not. That would be freaking boring, lol. Reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day. What do you mean by "magic"?

Hey! I just realized that I created a topic about this same subject on the same day as you posted this one. Lol, synchronicity. Oh... and I also didn't have any replies, lol. Yes! Yeap. Good reminder. I have a weakness that I've been working on in regards to decision-making. I wrote about it on the topic that I posted:

It sounds interesting. Thanks for sharing!