kag101

July 4th, 7:31 pm Let's see what comes up today. I like this type of free-writing so that I don't have to force myself to write about any topic specifically, but what comes up naturally. Right Track & Seeing How Much I Have Progressed I feel for the first time in years that I am on the right track. I know that if I backslide, I have professional support. I don't need to rely too much on my friends and family to make myself stable. I need to constantly remind myself that healing is not a linear thing, nor is it necessarily fast. Yes, there can be a burst of growth in a short period of time. But most of the time, it is something that seems to not really be working. But if I pay close attention, I can see how much I am evolving. It's just mindblowing. If I were to compare my current state of mind with how I was 3 years ago, there is no comparison. I was in a world of delusional thoughts. I always thought that "not being normal" was cool, but I was mistaken. Yes, I can express my authenticity and have, for example, impopular opinions once in a while. But being normal, from a psychiatric standpoint, is having healthy flutuations of humor. Not like a wild rollercoaster. Psychologist I went to my psychologist today. I like her style. She's very gentle and respectful. I feel safe with her. I don't plan to do therapy for a long period of time, but I do acknowledge that it is necessary. Sometimes she points out something, and I start to feel guilty for not being "perfect", for not being "mature" enough to not do that. But it's good to once in a while see myself as a 5-year-old. In a way, we all are. Our essence is our inner-child. A child needs a lot of patience, loving-acceptance, and validation of feelings. If I know this, why do I beat myself up so much? Rushing Results & Healing Trying to hurry results is a trap. I am already taking action. I am already taking medication. I am organizing my life in an organic way. I have come out (which is BIG thing). I am more aware of how much I eat. I am feeling good on a consistent basis. I am not so needy anymore, that is, I can let people go. My relationship with my family is finally authentic, and I am finally healing and giving a new meaning to my parents' divorce, which was a huge emotional trauma for me. Parents' Divorce I was 8-fucking-years. I was a child. And I needed to calm down my mom's grief. And I saw a lot of bad shit. Jealousy, lack of communication, and even emotional terror. (Sigh). I know that the past is done. But I do have to give myself permission to revisit it and to connect with my inner child so that I can release all those pent up emotions and finally resolve, with the eyes of an Adult, my unfinished business. Book On Depression I am reading a wonderful book about depression by a Brazilian neurologist. He was talking about gratitude in the last chapter. And this made me stop to think for a moment. Man, so many blessings have happened in my life. Sure, my life is still not ideal. I am in the process of restructuring it. But I am fucking grateful that I haven't felt that deep sense of hopelessness, nor that feeling of having an insignificant existence, and nor that feeling of waking up and the only thing I'd look forward to is when I would sleep again. Being Happy Again -- A Gift From The Gods I am vibrant once again. Sure, I am not perfect. But, hey, life is a school. I can't beat myself up for being in the process of learning. And learning means trial and error, making mistakes, saying I am sorry (especially to mysef). With depression, I see a deep sense of meaningless in the world. Everything that's coming up lately with the Internet Revolution seems stupid and pointless. There is no sense of satisfaction or any type of rewarding feeling. After all, the dopamine in my brain is messed up. I am glad I have been able to get out of that quagmire of confusion and trauma. No one deserves to be in that state. I can now see how my social anxiety was caused by childhood trauma. And never would I thought that the solution to my excessive shyness would be going to a traditional psychologist and a traditional psychiatrist. Nothing woo-woo. Not Reiki, not NLP, not psychedelics, not hyponosis. Just regular treatment. I have walked the Path of self-discovery for 11 years. It is a lot. And I never could find God. But now I see that seeing God, nirvana, samadhi, etc. is merely the healing of trauma. I have a deep respect for people like Dr Gabor Maté, who works with addicts in an empathic, realistic, and compassionate way. Maybe I will work with that in the future. But as for now, I will focus on just getting things right.

Yes.

July 3rd, 9:11 pm My Life I will try to write freely, and see what comes up. My life is steadily getting back on track. I have been very organized and correct. I have had plenty of energy to use throughout my day -- not too much, not to little. I have been practicing the piano, soccer, and other things. Dad I have been arguing with my dad. He is travelling, and he doesn't take the time to answer my text messages. I know he has been busy and all, but all I am asking is 5 minutes of his attention per day. But anyway, I don't need his love and affection. I have survived years without it. I would be very pleased if I got any of it, but it is not something necessary to my happiness. Like it or not, I am a grown up guy. I do need his financial help. But, again, if he doesn't want to help me, I have survived more than 2 years not asking him for one penny. But, once again, it would be easier if he helped me. Psychologist I am going to my psychologist tomorrow. It has been a week since I stopped smoking weed, and I feel much better. My thoughts are clearer, and I am not aggressive anymore. Weed was for sure counteracting the medication I am taking. I don't miss it at all. Other Medical Consultations I have scheduled to go to a variety of doctors: orthopedist to check my knees, my posture, and a possible tendinitis in my arm. An otolaryngologist to check my voice and to see if I should go to a speech therapist. I will schedule a dermatologist for 20 days from now (when my keeping track of my weight challenge ends), so that I can show him or her my deshidrosis, and to start a hair-regrowth treatment. I admit that I am anxious so that I start the treatment right away, but I am forcing myself to focus on one thing at a time. A Message To The Depressed Folks Out There If you're depressed, I recommend you disregard all spiritual beliefs (especially paranormal things). No one knows for sure if there are in fact those types of things, and having a mental illness only makes you prone to delusional thoughts and beliefs. Once again: there is no other way to overcome depression other than the following triad: medication (with a psychiatrist follow-up) + psychotherapy + good support network. You can justify yourself as much as you want, but that's the blunt truth. With the right help, it's not that hard to overcome depression! PS: I went to a very good mattress store today called Zissou. They have a 100-day 100% refund policy. The mattress is a little bit expensive, but I think it is worth it.

Day 10 - 7-3-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 2500-2750 cal > 1) Breakfast: 350-400 cal 10 am > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 800-1000 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 500-650 cal > 5) Dinner: 450-500 cal 7 pm > 6) Evening snack: 200-300 cal 8:30 pm Commentary: • I will probably get a surprise tomorrow. • I don't feel like overeating. I am eating a decent portion for my height, and if I were to eat less, I would be repressing myself and not eating enough. • Change slowly, because the direction is more important than the destination.

Day 9 7-02-2019 Weight: 97,2 (+0,2 kg) Calories: 2700-2900 > 1) Breakfast: 330-400 cal 8 am > 2) Morning snack: 220-250 cal 11 am > 3) Lunch: 850-900 cal 1 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 380-410 cal 3 pm > 5) Dinner: 800 cal > 6) Evening snack: 400 cal Commentary: • I was expecting to lose more weight than I did.

Day x - 7--2019 Weight: Calories: > 1) Breakfast: cal > 2) Morning snack: cal > 3) Lunch: cal > 4) Afternoon snack: cal > 5) Dinner: cal > 6) Evening snack: cal Commentary: • • •

Thumbs up

Omg, don't be a spiral dynamics preacher. Let people be what they are, and stop forcing people to be interested in what you are. If you get so irritated by this group, just quit it...

SAMPLE (IDEAL CALORIES INTAKE + TIMES OF MEALS) Day x - 7-xx-2019 Weight: 90 kg (-2 kg) // 198 lbs (-4.4 lbs) Calories: 2300 - 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500-700 cal Time: 8-10 am > 2) Morning snack 200-300 cal Time: 10:30-11:30 am > 3) Lunch: 750-1100 cal Time: 12:00-1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 100-350 cal Time: 3:30-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 350-700 cal Time: 5:30-7:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 150-250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I will not necessarily write what I ate, because that takes too much energy and time. I will write the approximate calories. • I will use my common sense to see how much I will eat in each meal. I want to avoid eating more than 2500 calories, or less than 2300 calories. I don't want extremes. I want to learn how to be fit -- not how to be anorexic. • I will keep the daily report as simple as possible. I don't want to get perfectionist and make very detailed reports, but fail at doing so for the full 30 days of challenge.

Day 8 - 7-01-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 2500 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500 cal Time: 10 am > 2) Morning snack 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1100 cal Time: 1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 120 cal Time: 4-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 500 cal Time: 6-7 pm > 6) Evening snack: 250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I am monitoring what I eat way too much. I keep forgetting that I shouldn't be neurotic and/or perfectionist. In the following days, I will focus on only estimating how many calories I take. • I will create a sample with how many calories I should have for each meal, and around what time should I eat. • I have recently noticed that industrialized food tend to have a lot of fat. This won't be my focus, but I will be mindful regarding that.

June 30th, 6:28 pm Weed Quitting weed was a very important move. I don't do well with marijuana. It messes up with my brain chemistry, and I get somewhat aggressive and even egoic. I think that being rebellious was an important part of my journey. I had always been the nice guy, who would never say things that bothered me, who was afraid all the time. And I would feel extremely guilty for being an asshole, or for hurting other people's feelings. Btw, I love Leo's video on How To Stop Being a People-Pleaser. All in all, weed was making the medication be not so effective. My psychologist asked me in a very polite way, "Don't you think it would be better if, at least for now, you wouldn't smoke cannabis?" During the consultation, I got very defensive and I was self-justifying my behavior. But now I see how weed was blocking my progress. Optimism I feel optimistic about life. I don't have that overwhelming fear anymore that things would go terribly wrong in my life. I feel self-confident. Not in a exaggerated way, but in a calm and rational way. I know that I am amazing. I have had a big treasure all my life, and I just couldn't use it. I was afraid the world would judge it. But now, I don't have this fear anymore. I have good friends who support me and that make me remember how to relax and be myself. Sending Package To My Cousin Today I sent a package to my 14-year-old cousin. His birthday was a week ago. I bought him a cool spider-man T-shirt, and I also made him a card and I also put 50 bucks inside it. I think he will like it. I haven't been close to him due to depression. I simply was too insecure, too tensed-up to have any emotional bond with anyone. And, truth to be told, he was in a phase of being in his little world. So I hope that this present will make us be close once again. Migraine & Diet I have had some migraines today. Maybe it is because I haven't eaten much. I am making sure that I eat from 1800-2500 calories daily. Not eating is a huge trap. Not just because it's an ineffective strategy for losing weight, but it would also affect my mental health. Mattress My quest for finding a mattress is still on. I have found a site that seems reliable and good. They let the customer use the mattress for 100 days, and if he or she doesn't like it, they refund 100% of the value. The mattresses there are more expensive than in the other stores I researched, but I think it's worth a try. I sent my dad an email about that. Thank you for reading! Have a good week!

Day 7 - 6-30-2019 Weight: 97.0 kg (-0.4 kg) // 213 pounds (-1 pound) Calories: 2480 cal > 1) Breakfast: 600 cal Time: 8 am 400 cal (oatmeal with honey) + 200 cal (half of a whole-wheat sandwich with mayonnaise and ham and cheese) > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal Time: 11:40 am 70 cal (half of a papaya) + 20 cal (sweet cracker) > 3) Lunch: 950 cal Time: 1:40 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 380 cal Time: 8:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 850 cal Time: 11 pm Commentary: • I had weighted myself before going to the bathroom, and I was weighing 99.8 (220 pounds)! I was like, WTF? I know I have been eating more than I should, but that didn't really make sense. Then, I tried it again about an hour later, and I have actually lost some weight. That was a relief, because I was thinking of starting a way more rigorous diet. Now, I think I found the middle ground, and I have decided that my goal is to not go beyond 2500 cal daily. • I slept from 3 pm to 8 pm. I ended up eating dinner in the "evening snack" time. • I ate the same thing for lunch and for dinner. Also not a good thing, because I need variety of food.

Day 6 - 6-29-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 3050 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal > 3) Lunch: 1200 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 350 cal > 6) Evening snack: 600 cal Commentary: • I ate a Cup Noodle in the late night. Not a good idea...

I agree. I find that the best way to pick up hot girls is to treat them as a friend. That is, I avoid any type of flirting. I only focus on the conversation itself. That being said, I am a very funny and laid back guy. If you are tensed-up, focusing on the conversation itself will make it go way too serious and boring. For example, you meet a girl and she is into spirituality and yoga. Then, you start talking about nondual experiences. "I suddenly became God. I realized that I am everything that ever was. And that, on an ultimate level, I am you." So far so good, but if you extend yourself too much, such as, "The implications of non-duality are visible anywhere you see. But unfortunately, people are too stuck in the Matrix to realize that they are God's highest manifestation. We are different leaves of the same tree. Each of us is a drop water, so ultimately we are all water. Everything is connected. Everything is an unity." If you keep trying to be profound and wise, you'll start to sound arrogant and pedant. For example, if I am in a playful mood, I would say, "So technically, my penis and your vagina are one." Haha, that could or could not work. But the thing is, there is no magic answer. Spontaneity is key. The goal is not to become an alpha guy, but to become your natural/authentic/playful self. Girls, especially hot ones, are very good at identifying when a guy is giving sings of interest. And they are tired of being flirted. I am not saying you should repress your instincts. I am just saying that if you can manage to treat her as a friend, that is, with no second intentions, they will notice that. And that can be very attractive. But anyway, at first, I recommend "training" with unattractive girls. Baby steps is the key. Rome was not made in one day. And the funny thing is, those girls are generally speaking very good in bed. An analogy: Trying to pick up a HB9, for instance, is like playing a game in level hard. You first need to get good at the lower levels.

Authenticity.

June 29th, 9:20 am Today I woke up feeling depressed and with an overwhelming muscular discomfort. Yes, my crappy mattress plays a role in this, but I had the insight that what's making my mood go down is smoking marijuana. I can't fool myself: smoking pot is not something that does any good to me. Yes, I can feel a little bit more mindful, but it simply doesn't pay off. In the last two weeks, that is, since I started smoking pot again, I have been verbally aggressive. I have argued with many people. I have had some pretty nasty thoughts about others, such as having a profound aversion to someone. I have been too dry, too blunt with people. Nothing big, but it's just not something I want to cultivate in my life. I am done with war. I want peace. "I will fight no more forever" -- Chief Joseph So today, I have decided to stop smoking once and for all. It won't be a difficult thing to do, because as I mentioned earlier, the "high" is very crappy. I prefer to just use Shamanic Rapé, and feel more and more grounded. All in all, smoking weed was a backlash. But I understand that this is normal. I am glad I have seen that it is not doing me any good. I have to thank my psychologist who warned me that. I tried to justify why I was using, but then it became clear that I was just coming up with excuses to use it. I am done with feeling crappy. I have felt that for many years, and I don't want to feel it anymore. And I know that the combination psychiatric treatment + psychotherapy is the way to go. Thank you for reading!

Day 5 - 6-28-2019 Weight: 97.4 kg (+1.3 kg) // 214 lbs (+3 pounds) Calories: 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 100 cal > 3) Lunch: 1000 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 700 cal > 5) Dinner: 400 cal > 6) Evening snack: 300 cal Commentary: • Gaining weight is not a fun thing. It can feel very demotivating...

Day 4 - 6-27-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 4190 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1650 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1540 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1000 cal Commentary: • Holy cow! I ate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow...

Day 3 - 6-26-2019 Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) // 212 (-1 pound) Calories: 2380 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 700-800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1500 cal > 6) Evening snack: 0 cal Commentary: • I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. • I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. • My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. • I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily.

Day 2 - 6-25-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 3550 cal > 1) Breakfast: 350-400 cal > 2) Morning snack: 200-250 cal > 3) Lunch: 900-1100 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 1100-1300 cal > 6) Evening snack: 200-250 cal Commentary: • No comments.

Day 1 - 6-24-2019 Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) Calories: 3300 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 350 cal > 5) Dinner: 800 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1050 cal Commentary: • I overate in the late night.

_________________________________________________________________________ I will post stuff about the 30-day challenge on a separate journal. Aching Back and Shoulders! - Old And Shitty Mattress! - Ugh! I took a nap today, and I woke up with a very high discomfort especially in my shoulders. It's a pain in the ass. I have been trying to find a good mattress to buy for months. I am just tired of that. I might as well buy a cheap mattress at the local store. I feel like this is a case of the more I try, the worse... Ideally, I would buy a mattress by the end of this month. I got to take some sort of action. I can't procrastinate more. Like, the level of discomfort right now is at a 8 out 10. The other annoying thing to find is a pillow. I mean, give me a break. I feel so lost in that sense. Ugh! It's really hard to console myself by saying, "This will pass. Before you know, you will be sleeping at a great and comfortable mattress." That might be true, but this doesn't take away the fact that my body is fucking aching. Ugh!!! I took painkillers about 40 minutes ago. I hope it helps alleviate the discomfort. Marijuana I smoked marijuana throughout the last 2 weeks. And I can firmly say that it is not doing me any good. I don't have a good high. I don't get paranoid per se, but I get aggressive. I am too old for this shit. I am fed up with losing my energy with stupid shit. I don't like how smoking feels like. It is a very hot thing and it messes with my throat. So, all in all, smoking pot is not paying off. It's just delaying my recovery. So I think I will not smoke it again. Weight Challenge I am still in the beginning of the challenge, but I think it's been pretty productive and insightful. I have decided to not write down what I eat per se, but just write an estimate of the calories.

Day 4 [6-27-2019] ――― Weight: *Will only weight myself tomorrow* ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: buffet 1 and a half time and açaí drink (1100-1200 cal) Dessert: Vegan Passionfruit Cheesecake (450 cal) 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: a lot of healthy stuff, such as meat, rice and beans, chicken, etc (1300 cal) 3 glasses of coke (240 cal) 6- Evening snack: Soup (200 cal) Bread (200 cal) Cookies with almond butter and condensed milk (400 cal) Random snacks (200 cal) ――― Total: 1200+450+1300+240+800+200 = 4190 cal ――― Commentary: > I miss writing about my depression in here. Tomorrow I will create a new journal and leave this one alone. > Writing down exactly what I ate takes too much time and energy. I will write only how many approximate calories each meal had. > Holy cow! I hate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow... I WILL NOT UPDATE THIS CHALLENGE THROUGH HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE CREATED A NEW JOURNAL SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS CHALLENGE. HERE IT IS:

Day 3 [6-26-2019] ――― Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) 212 (-1 pound) ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: Rice and beans with meat + soda (700-800 cal) Dessert: Nothing 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: Baked potato with chicken and cream cheese + Soda (1100 cal) Desert: Sundae (400 cal) 6- Evening snack: Nothing ――― Total: 800+80+1100+400 = 2380 cal ――― Commentary: > I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. > I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. > My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. > I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily. > I think I will create a new journal starting today or tomorrow.

You're taking the insight of "life is a game" too seriously... To me, you're just a person who is overdoing spiritual practices (namely holotrophic breathing), and who is depressed.