kag101

June 29th, 9:20 am Today I woke up feeling depressed and with an overwhelming muscular discomfort. Yes, my crappy mattress plays a role in this, but I had the insight that what's making my mood go down is smoking marijuana. I can't fool myself: smoking pot is not something that does any good to me. Yes, I can feel a little bit more mindful, but it simply doesn't pay off. In the last two weeks, that is, since I started smoking pot again, I have been verbally aggressive. I have argued with many people. I have had some pretty nasty thoughts about others, such as having a profound aversion to someone. I have been too dry, too blunt with people. Nothing big, but it's just not something I want to cultivate in my life. I am done with war. I want peace. "I will fight no more forever" -- Chief Joseph So today, I have decided to stop smoking once and for all. It won't be a difficult thing to do, because as I mentioned earlier, the "high" is very crappy. I prefer to just use Shamanic Rapé, and feel more and more grounded. All in all, smoking weed was a backlash. But I understand that this is normal. I am glad I have seen that it is not doing me any good. I have to thank my psychologist who warned me that. I tried to justify why I was using, but then it became clear that I was just coming up with excuses to use it. I am done with feeling crappy. I have felt that for many years, and I don't want to feel it anymore. And I know that the combination psychiatric treatment + psychotherapy is the way to go. Thank you for reading!

Day 5 - 6-28-2019 Weight: 97.4 kg (+1.3 kg) // 214 lbs (+3 pounds) Calories: 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 100 cal > 3) Lunch: 1000 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 700 cal > 5) Dinner: 400 cal > 6) Evening snack: 300 cal Commentary: • Gaining weight is not a fun thing. It can feel very demotivating...

Day 4 - 6-27-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 4190 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1650 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1540 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1000 cal Commentary: • Holy cow! I ate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow...

Day 3 - 6-26-2019 Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) // 212 (-1 pound) Calories: 2380 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 700-800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1500 cal > 6) Evening snack: 0 cal Commentary: • I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. • I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. • My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. • I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily.

Day 2 - 6-25-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 3550 cal > 1) Breakfast: 350-400 cal > 2) Morning snack: 200-250 cal > 3) Lunch: 900-1100 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 1100-1300 cal > 6) Evening snack: 200-250 cal Commentary: • No comments.

Day 1 - 6-24-2019 Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) Calories: 3300 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 350 cal > 5) Dinner: 800 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1050 cal Commentary: • I overate in the late night.

_________________________________________________________________________ I will post stuff about the 30-day challenge on a separate journal. Aching Back and Shoulders! - Old And Shitty Mattress! - Ugh! I took a nap today, and I woke up with a very high discomfort especially in my shoulders. It's a pain in the ass. I have been trying to find a good mattress to buy for months. I am just tired of that. I might as well buy a cheap mattress at the local store. I feel like this is a case of the more I try, the worse... Ideally, I would buy a mattress by the end of this month. I got to take some sort of action. I can't procrastinate more. Like, the level of discomfort right now is at a 8 out 10. The other annoying thing to find is a pillow. I mean, give me a break. I feel so lost in that sense. Ugh! It's really hard to console myself by saying, "This will pass. Before you know, you will be sleeping at a great and comfortable mattress." That might be true, but this doesn't take away the fact that my body is fucking aching. Ugh!!! I took painkillers about 40 minutes ago. I hope it helps alleviate the discomfort. Marijuana I smoked marijuana throughout the last 2 weeks. And I can firmly say that it is not doing me any good. I don't have a good high. I don't get paranoid per se, but I get aggressive. I am too old for this shit. I am fed up with losing my energy with stupid shit. I don't like how smoking feels like. It is a very hot thing and it messes with my throat. So, all in all, smoking pot is not paying off. It's just delaying my recovery. So I think I will not smoke it again. Weight Challenge I am still in the beginning of the challenge, but I think it's been pretty productive and insightful. I have decided to not write down what I eat per se, but just write an estimate of the calories.

Day 4 [6-27-2019] ――― Weight: *Will only weight myself tomorrow* ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: buffet 1 and a half time and açaí drink (1100-1200 cal) Dessert: Vegan Passionfruit Cheesecake (450 cal) 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: a lot of healthy stuff, such as meat, rice and beans, chicken, etc (1300 cal) 3 glasses of coke (240 cal) 6- Evening snack: Soup (200 cal) Bread (200 cal) Cookies with almond butter and condensed milk (400 cal) Random snacks (200 cal) ――― Total: 1200+450+1300+240+800+200 = 4190 cal ――― Commentary: > I miss writing about my depression in here. Tomorrow I will create a new journal and leave this one alone. > Writing down exactly what I ate takes too much time and energy. I will write only how many approximate calories each meal had. > Holy cow! I hate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow... I WILL NOT UPDATE THIS CHALLENGE THROUGH HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE CREATED A NEW JOURNAL SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS CHALLENGE. HERE IT IS:

Day 3 [6-26-2019] ――― Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) 212 (-1 pound) ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: Rice and beans with meat + soda (700-800 cal) Dessert: Nothing 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: Baked potato with chicken and cream cheese + Soda (1100 cal) Desert: Sundae (400 cal) 6- Evening snack: Nothing ――― Total: 800+80+1100+400 = 2380 cal ――― Commentary: > I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. > I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. > My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. > I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily. > I think I will create a new journal starting today or tomorrow.

You're taking the insight of "life is a game" too seriously... To me, you're just a person who is overdoing spiritual practices (namely holotrophic breathing), and who is depressed.

Day 2 [6-25-2019] 1- Breakfast: cereal (350-400 cal) 2- Morning snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal) 3- Lunch: Rice and beans with meat. and potato. Dessert: condensed milk with cookies. (900-1100 cal) 4- Afternoon snack: Muffin + coffee (300 cal) 5- Dinner: Buffet (with soda) + caramelized sundae (1100-1300) 6- Evening snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal) Total: Approximately 3550 cal

30-Day Challenge - Keeping Track of My Weight So here's what I have decided for this challenge: I will not try to lose weight per se. The idea is to weight myself in every two days, as soon as I wake up, before having breakfast. I know that trying to lose too much weight in a month is a trap, because if that happens, I am very likely to backslide later on. This has happened a few times in my life, and it did not go well. In the last 9 years, my weight has ranged from 69 kg - 98 kg (152 lbs - 216 lbs). My ideal weight, I would say, is 82 kg (180 lbs). My goal is that after the 30 days, I am between 92,2 kg - 99,9 kg (202 lbs to 219 lbs). This is a realistic expectation. As long as I don't go beyond 100 kg, I am good to go. Ideally I should lose a few kilos/pounds. I have a picture of my weight from a month ago: I had 92,2 kg. I weight myself today and I am with 96,2 kg. Therefore, I gained 4 kg. If I keep gaining weight at this rate, I am still not sure if I will use kilos (which I am more familiar with), or pounds. Maybe I will use both. After today, I am almost sure that I will create a new journal specifically for this challenge. Day 1 - 6-24-2019 Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) What I ate today: > Breakfast: 8:10 am Cereal with milk (300 calories) > Morning snack: Nothing > Lunch: 12:00 2 spoons of Rice 1 spoon Sautéed kale 3 pieces of Manioc 100 ml soda Dessert 1 whole-wheat cookie (800 cal) > Afternoon snack: 4:00 pm Peanut candy (350 cal) > Dinner: 6 pm Small Milkshake Big Mac (800 cal) > Extra food: Late Night: 2:30 am Rice, beans, potato chips (a little bit) + soda = 700 cal Condensed milk with cookies = 350 cal Total: 300+800+350 = 1450+800+350=2600 + 700 = 3300 cal Commentary: I overate in the late night. I was a little bit distracted with my meds. But I took all of them. Things are seeming less difficult.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Step-By-Step How to Tame Your Depression 1) Medication First of all, trust me, medication is not as bad as it seems. I used to be aversed to them. I was paranoid thinking that they would cause me bad side effects, that they would block my chakras, and so on. What truly blocks the chakras is not meds, but depression itself. >> The thing is, depression leaves 10 to 10000 times worse side effects than modern medication. 2) Psychotherapy And, finally, after you and your doctor find the right medication for you, then the next step is to find a good psychologist, one that listens to you, do not judge you, and that do not interrupt you frequently. >> But don't fool yourself: psychotherapy alone will not "unblacken your dark moods". 3) A Support Group That can be encouraging friends, group therapy, etc. >> But don't fool yourself: this will not "unblacken your dark moods". Other people can alleviate your suffering for a very short period of time. That's all. I repeat: Medication is a must! PS: This guide is based on my personal experience. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Day 30 [6/20/2019] - Challenge Completed!!! I DID IT!!! I FOUND THE HIDDEN TREASURE THE BUDDHA TALKED ABOUT! -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Summary I feel healthy for the first time in about 15-16 fucking years. It was as if I was in "airplane mode" the whole time. I could never be fully present, because I had an unresolved trauma that triggered recurrent depressive episodes throughout my years and early adult years. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Background I have been into self-development for 11 years. Here's my "curriculum": Omg, a lot of stuff, huh? I was so desperate... Anyway, all of these things were an attempt to heal. Never would I have thought of that the solution would be simply going to a fucking psychiatrist. I thought they were "evil". But, truth to be told, most of them suck-balls. At some point in my life, between the ages of 17-21, I desperately sought Spiritual Enlightenment, and let me tell you: If I what I have been feeling in this past month is not Enlightenment; then, I don't even want whatever that is. PS: I will write a book called: "How I Got Enlightened Through Taking Anti-Psychotic Medication" -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Results: This new medication (which I will not say the name for safety reasons) is doing me wonders. It is bringing me back to a healthy state of mind and body. > I am sleeping much better. I now have a repairing night of sleep. > I am much more focused and concentrated. > I do not feel overwhelming fear and sadness (the technical name is pathological). > I am much more organized, but not in a neurotic way. It is something organic and natural. > I am much more confident that I ever was, but again, in a healthy way. I do not think I am God or that I am flawless (this would characterize an maniac episode). > My social anxiety has vanished. > For the first time, after many attempts, I am doing psychotherapy and it is being very productive. So from now on, I do not tolerate people who bash on psychiatric medication. If you want me to expand on any of these benefits, reply to this topic -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Future I still haven't decided whether I will keep posting here or not. I really like @Joseph Maynor's style of creating new journals with different titles and topics. I might experiment with that... But either way, my next 30-day challenge will be to Keep Track of My Weight. I plan to write down the "rules" of the challenge today or tomorrow. And I want to create a new journal by Monday June 24th, 2019. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Final Considerations Thank you, everyone, for reading this journal! I will leave you guys with a bitter pill from Kay Redfield Jamison, one of the most respected authorities in Maniac-Depressive Disorder. This is especially for whoever knows something is not right in the life, for whoever went through severe emotional trauma and now can't trust anyone, for feels like is not worth-living: If you can relate to the description above, I suppose deep down you know you have some sort of disorder (depression, suicide ideation, social anxiety, bipolar, etc.). At the same time, I also assume you might still be in denial. That was certainly my case for many years. I thought that self-development, self-help, or meditation would "heal" me somehow. In reality, all of these things -- which I was quite obsessive about -- did more harm than good. But, anyway, thanks for reading about my story! It was a pleasure to write about how I tamed my depression (at least for now ). Remember: there is treatment and there is hope! But, again, don't think you'll get out of this quagmire of suffering by yourself (that is, by watching YT videos, or reading some "spiritual books, or doing some crazy-ass meditation). Btw - The fact that the last day of the challenge, and very likely of this journal, was in the Summer Solstice was a pretty neat synchronicity. May you all be well, healthy, and happy... and, why not, Spiritually Enlightened!

Day 29 [6/20/2019] I went to my psychologist yesterday. It was a very good session. I vented about my psychiatrist. He is overly dry. I have a consultation with him for next month (I think it is going to be on the 16th). I want this to be my last paid session with him. He offers extra consultations for free within a month. So, by August, I plan to take this insensitive and arrogan guy out of my life. I am finally feeling well. I am taking a relatively high dosage, but I need it. It is fucking working! This doctor himself should take some medication to calm down his anxiety. He has highly unrealistic expectations. And he is never satisfied with how much I have progressed. It's as if everytime I go there, I should be feeling better than the consultation before. Healing does not work like that. It is actually an unlinear thing. I finally feel I happy for being alive. I am not a zombie anymore. I am not just in auto-mode, dragging through life. I am actually enjoying this human incarnation. Yes, there are problems, but they are not as big as I used to think they are. A biochemical imbalance in the brain can fuck anyone up. You can be in heaven, but you think you're in hell. I have many ideas and my creativity is on the roof, but I constantly need to remind myself that I am still in treatment. I should not take harsh moves until the beginning of 2020.

If you don't cum, you'll get extremely horny and very likely tensed.

Day 28 [6-19-2019] 2 pm Today I also took smoked a bit of pot, but I have decided to establish a predetermined time to smoke. Otherwise, I end up smoking throughout the day, and that's no good. I had lunch with a good friend. He is the typical masculine alpha guy. He is very fun. And I have learned how to deal with these type of people. He is helping me embodying Masculinity. He is a very care-free type of person. But honestly, he is not someone I want to see on a regular basis. I slept on my sister's bed last night, so I don't have a lot pain. Her mattress is bad, but mine is fucking horrible. My mom accepted to change our mattress until I find a new one. She is a very sweet and understanding mom =)

Day 27 [6-18-2019] Psychiatrist Today I went to my psychiatrist after more or less 2 weeks. The consultation went relatively fine. I finally understood his approach. He is the Devil's advocate sort of thing. Psychiatrists use a lot of reason. But to me, that is a very shitty approach, because it can lead to an indirect gaslighting. Anyway, I want to keep going to him for more 2-3 months maximum. Then, I want to find a different one. But I don't want to take any harsh moves. My Shitty Bed! My bed is a complete piece of shit. Sleeping on it is like being hugged by Satan. Seriously, it gives me A LOT of back pain. It's been very hard to find a good mattress at regular stores, so I decided to go to an orthopedist so that he can tell me exactly what mattress should I buy. I never realized how mattress are important. If you don't sleep well, your mental health will undoubtedly suck. Cannabis I bought some cannabis yesterday. I smoked at about 7 or 8 pm. I had such a bad back pain that the high was pretty unpleasant, but at least it showed me that I should take action to find the right mattress.

Day 26 [6-17-2019] Rapé Using too much Rapé is not even something I worry about. I think I have learned how to use it properly and responsibly. I have been using it mainly for its physical benefits, namely opening up my nostrils (it helps heal a stuffed up nose) and I also use it to go to the bathroom. I used to be really into its mental benefits, that is, feeling concentrated and in the here and now. But since I started this medication, I don't really feel the need to self-medicate in this sense. Maybe I am not getting the anchoring effect, because I need to buy different types. Sleep I have been sleeping a lot, and not that well. My 10-year-old mattress needs to retire, because it is giving me shoulder and neck tension. I never thought about how hard it is to find the right mattress. I need to find one ASAP, preferably by the end of this week. That is, until this journal and challenge are done, I need to have buy it my new mattress. Hopefully... Anger I felt pretty angry, grumpy today, but it was a different type of bad mood. Like, I knew I was in a bad mood and that it would eventually pass (after sleeping for a few hours, for example). On the other hand, the bad mood caused by clinical depression is way different. It is as if the bad mood would last forever. Depression makes me believe there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But there always is. And to really come into the light medication is needed. As Kay Redfield Jamison puts it, "Without science, there would be no such hope. No amount of love and affection can heal clinical depression. Even though love can make the suffering more tolerable, one is always beholden to medication that may or may not work, and may or may not have tolerable side effects." I argued with my sister today. My mom has got the flu, and I took care of her today. My sister works at an office, and she was giving me fucking orders, as if I was her employee. I don't need her to tell me what to do. So I paid blood for blood, so to say. If this had happened like 8 months ago, I would have gotten in a state of intense guilt. But now I see that I have to speak up; otherwise, the world will make me its slave. Random Stuff > I walked with my small dog today. It was fun. I couldn't walk with my bigger dog, because he is too euphoric and anxious. > My Facebook page is growing. It has got about 500 likes. I feel I am ready to inspire people to become more conscious and truly loving. > I am reading two books. One on depression (written by a psychiatrist), and the other one on love (by Osho). Both are really good. And I find that I one complements the other. It's like a combination of western and eastern wisdom. > I was worried about my weight today. I began to panic about it. I was paranoid thinking that my medication was making me fat and swollen, but then I realized that, "Hey, I have been eating too much. Maybe that's the reason why I am overweight." As I put it before, I want to write a journal of a 30-day challenge to keep track of my weight. I want to learn how to be skinny and healthy. I know I can get fit overnight. This is a common mistake, that lead to a big backlash. For example, when I was 13, my weight was 82 kg. Then, in one month or two, I lost 10 kg (which is a lot). Long story short, when I was 15, my weight was 98 kg. Therefore, I lost 10 kgs, then not only did I go back to my original weight, but I also gained 16 fucking kilos. > I have realized that I want an easy and soft life. I don't want to go on crusades to change the world. I just want a happy, simple, and satisfying life. I want to work with something I like, which it is easy and is impacting people. I know that hard work is highly overrated, so hopefully I will not fall into this trap of being a "hard worker". > Ever since I started this new med, I have been more conscious and attentive. My memory has sharpened, and my thoughts are way clearer. I am more attentive. It's as if I had ADHD my whole life, and didn't know it. Thanks for reading! =)

Animals can't go beyond stage Red.

There are only 5 days left of this challenge, which was originally to make sure I am taking my medication correctly, and that I am not abusing Rapé (which I am not). I am thinking about what will I do after the 30 days are over. I think I will not post anything more on this journal. I want to do another 30 day challenge, but this time focused on keeping track of my weight. I am slightly overweight, and I need to lose 15 pounds. But anyway, I still haven't decided what I will do. I don't like the term "to lose weight", I prefer "to make my body go back to its natural shape". Thanks for reading!

Day 23 [6-14-2019] Friday I have been pretty obsessed with my Facebook and Instagram pages. I want it to be perfect and to have it many likes, so I end up wasting a lot of energy and time into this. But I am trying to tell my brain that this is, by no means, my priority. I can live without social media. Day 24 [6-15-2019] Saturday This day was pretty strange and somewhat depressive. I think I have understand the New Age term "Deep Rest" [which, phonetically, is the same as dep/ressed]. I needed to rest. Not in a passive and complete way. That is, depression does not mean I have to lay down all day and do nothing but binge on Netflix and on junk food. No. It means doing the minimum, but still doing something. Two days ago, I smoked cannabis for the first time in 8 months. It was very pleasurable, but I have a tendency to get psychologically addicted to it. Throughout the day, I had a strong craving for cannabis. I wanted to go buy it no matter what. But then, a wave of awareness made me see that I am the one who should be in control over pot, and not the other way around. So I used Rapé a few times more to make the craving go away. I slept at 2 pm and woke up at 6 pm. Even though it was only 4 hours, it felt like 9 hours. I didn't sleep that well, because I had an annoying headache. Then, during the evening, a strong wave of depression bubbled up. I think this was partly a "hangover" from Valentine's Day (in Brazil, it is on June 12th). I hate this stupid need society implants into our web of beliefs that we "have to be with someone" and that "we have to go out" otherwise our lives are worth nothing. This depression was making me feel extremely bored, empty, and lonely. At about 8 or 9 pm, I took my nightly dose of my medication. And at about 10 or 11 pm, I was asleep. I slept for 10 hours. Day 25 [6-16-2019] Sunday I woke up today at 8:00 am. My mattress is pretty old and worn out. But it is better than sleeping on a too firm mattress. I still had a "hangover" from yesterday's depression and FOMO. But then, I started doing my stuff. I built momentum. Right now it's 11 am, and I have already gone to the market, made breakfast for my mom, cleaned the backyard, tidied up my room, and fed my dog and cat.

Day 22 [6-13-2019] This was a very interesting day. First of all, I went to my appointment with my psychologist at 11:15 am. It went pretty well, and the consultation lasted for 45 minutes, which was more than enough. I had lunch at a nearby place at a vegan restaurant. I could see how most of those people are deluded. They think they are healthier because they don't eat meat, and don't have sugar, and those kinds of things. But in reality, there's a thing called orthorexia. Afterwards, at about 1:00 pm, I texted a friend to see if she could hang out with me. And we went to a shopping mall, had a cappuccino, and had some good laughs. I bought a book called, "Depression Is Not Weakness" (Dr. Leandro Telles), and I also bought I small book called: "Me and my Depression (Now, a Peaceful Co-Existence)" (Daniel Burd). Then, I came back home, and I took a powerful 1-and-a-half hour nap. Seriously, ever since I started this medication, my sleep quality has gotten really good. It was about 7 pm when I woke up. Then I texted a friend, and we got together. We used Rapé; we saw some funny clips online; and we took some Tarot cards. It was really fun! Not to brag, but my spacious presence -- when it is available -- is very powerful in bringing peace to those around me.

Wow, that's a pretty fucked up thing... Well, I think that if others are believing in the BS your brother is telling them, and they are judging you and have stopped talking with you; then, maybe they're not worthy of your friendship. You deserve better friends who trust you. That's what came to mind. I hope it helps...

Day 19 [6-10-2019] Monday I think on this day I went in crazy I got blocked by many people, who treated me like shit through texting. That is, they were all people who wouldn't reply to me in a decent time, or worse yet would leave on read. I got tired of being ignored, and being the "nice guy". So I turned on asshole mode, and I was very incisive with her as to why they wouldn't text me back. Long story short, she blocked me. And you know what? I don' t give a damn. Lol. I finally broke free from this egoic romantic illusion I had with her. Can I get an amen? Day 20 [6-11-2019] Tuesday I honestly don't remember what I did that day. My night dosage has been increased to 200 mg. I think I am more stable now with this dosage. It's not a HUGE one, but to me it is, as I have a very sensitive nervous system. Day 21 [6-12-2019] Wednesday My allergic rhinitus almost went away fully. I had lunch with a friend to discuss some business ideas. I feel I am integrating all the theory I had read for 10-fucking-years. Only now that my depression is under control can I really apply the concepts I had learnt. I talked with my dad, and we had a very authentic conversation. I told him that I think he will experience the burnout syndrome sooner or later. I was feeling kind of depressed, but it was totally manageable and was triggered by lack of sleep. So I decided to take my nightly dosage sooner. I ended up falling asleep at 6 pm, and I woke up at 3:30 am.