kag101

You're clearly misunderstanding the teaching of nonduality. You're confusing "meaninglessness" (which is neutral) with depression (which is negative). I suggest you seek professional and qualified help. Nowadays, there are great mood stabilizing medication. You do not have to suffer. If you choose to not do that, I'd say you should at least focus on basic self-development (such as visualization, affirmations, and goals). If you keep reading and watching advanced content, you'll misunderstand it and you'll dive deeper into darker and darker moods.

NEW 30-DAY CHALLENGE - (Visualization, affirmations, and goal-setting) First day: 7-23-2019 // Last day: 8-22-2019 Rules (changed): >> 2-7 minutes of planning >> 7-15 minutes of doing the three techniques GOALS: 3 minutes AFFIRMATIONS: 3-4 minutes VISUALIZATION: 4-5 minutes >> Avoid visualizing, doing affirmations, or thinking about goals other during these 20-25 minutes daily! >> Be easy on yourself! Be dynamic! HAVE FUN! . Day 2 - 7-24-2019 Commentary: >> 5 minutes of PLANNING. 1) Goals (read for 3 minutes): I made 3 columns of short, medium, and long term goals. In each one, I wrote about 5 goals. Then, I read out loud the goals for 3 minutes. RESULT > Doing the columns was useful, but it took too much effort in my opinion. > I think I need a more variety of goals (professional, spiritual, family, money, physical, health, study, etc.) > I need to think of a way to make my goals more "fixed" so that I don't have to think everyday about what goals I want. 2) Affirmations (3-4 minutes): >> I affirmed Life Purpose out loud 3-8x times (with a lot of emotion) >> I wrote down 3 new affirmations, and I included 3 that I did yesterday >> I read each affirmation out loud 3x in a row. RESULT > I think it went pretty well, because as I was reading each affirmation 3x in a row, I could feel my mind getting focused on those beliefs. > Again, I think I need a more fixed affirmations. Changing them everyday is too much work, and won't yield very good results, I believe. 3) Visualization (3-5 minutes): >> I visualized each affirmation for 5-12 seconds >> I visualized each goal I wrote down today 5-12 second each one >> I visualized about 10-20 goals I wrote down two days ago (101 things I want to have, be, or do in life) RESULT: > Too many things to visualize. I was already "mentally" tired halfway through. > Again, fewer things, but more fixed. > I think it is really beneficial to visualize the same goals or affirmations daily. It is like watering a plant. Idea: > I rushed a little, because I was running out of time (especially in the visualization part). > I am worried about changing my goals and affirmations too much. But, once again, this challenge should be first and foremost FUN. >> Thus, I will try to set about 80% of fixed goals, affirmations, and visualization. And 20% of changeable goals, affirmations, and visualization. <<

NEW 30-DAY CHALLENGE - (Visualization, affirmations, and goal-setting) >> Do these three techniques of basic self-development for 5-10 minutes. >> Do it freely. Be dynamic! >> First day: 7-23-2019 // Last day: 8-22-2019. Day 1 - 7-23-2019 Commentary: >> I used an app to time how many minutes I will do each technique. >> It was pretty fun and dynamic. I can variate what I am visualizing, and or affirming. >> I did an affirmation 3x for my Life Purpose. I will probably create a new journal to keep track of this challenge. I am looking forward to seeing the results And I will make sure to not visualize, do affirmations, or think about my goals other than these 5-10 minutes daily!

Day 30 - 7-23-2019 FINISH!!! Success!!! Weight: 98,3 kg Commentary: >> In the beginning of the challenge, I was neurotically keeping track of all the calories I was taking. This is too stressful and unnatural. >> I have downloaded several apps. And the iOS app called "IEatWell" is the best one! Instead of counting calories, it is a more intuitive thing of rating your meal from 0-10. >> My weight as of today is 98,4 kg. Therefore: I succeeded in the challenge!!! Hooray!!! Time to celebrate! Imma go to McDonalds. Lol, just kidding. Proof: >> I will write soon write on my main journal the next challenge that I will do. I think it will probably have to do with basic self-help techniques (goals, visualization & affirmations): Thank you for everyone that read this! I will celebrate today! (Obviously I will try to not overeat as a way to celebrate lol)

IMPORTANT: This is not a diet challenge! I will not try to lose weight per se. BACKGROUND: Losing too much weight in a month is a trap, because if that happens, I am very likely to backslide later on. This has happened a few times in my life, and it did not go well. In the last 9 years, my weight has ranged from 69 kg - 98 kg (152 lbs - 216 lbs). My ideal weight, I would say, is 82 kg (180 lbs). GOALS: My goal is that after the 30 days, I am between 92,2 kg - 99,9 kg (202 lbs to 219 lbs). This is a realistic expectation. As long as I don't go beyond 100 kg (220 lbs), I am good to go. Ideally I should lose a few kilos/pounds. I have a picture of my weight from a month ago: I had 92,2 kg. I weight myself today and I am with 96,2 kg. Therefore, I gained 4 kg. If I keep gaining weight at this rate, I will get fat really soon. I am still not sure if I will use kilos (which I am more familiar with), or pounds. Maybe I will use both. RULES: - Make a daily estimate of how much calories I ate. - Weight myself in every two days, as soon as I wake up, before having breakfast. I have another journal here on the forum, where I explain how I tamed my depression. Click here to read it.

July 23rd, 12:28 PM I have recently started to read a book called "The Success Principles For Teens - Jack Canfield and Kent Healy". I have had it for since 2013. I think I am finally ready to read it, without becoming a neurotic self-help junkie. It's a very "stage Orange" book. That being said, it is really important to ace stage Orange before getting into the higher levels of SD; otherwise, it is an incomplete "evolution". As with most self-help books, it talks a lot about 1) Setting Goals >> Big >> Specific >> Written down 2) Visualization >> The more detail, the better >> Use all senses >> Exaggerate (especially on the emotional aspect) 3) Affirmations >> Start with "I Am" >> Use the present continuous >> Do it as if the thing had already happened. (Example: "I am loving earning six figures") NUTSHELL: It's all simple stuff that we all have heard about it before, but they are all very powerful techniques. IDEA: Do a 30-day challenge of focusing on these three things for 5-10 minutes per day. TRAP: Doing self-help techniques too much is a trap. 5-10 minutes is ENOUGH. REMINDERS: 1) Self-help should not be boring, long, and exhausting! 2) Self-help should be fun! 3) I have a tendency to taking things too seriously. My new affirmations: (not really, lol) 5-10 minutes of self-help daily is ENOUGH! Self-help should be FUN! PLAN: Here's what I will do in the next 1-3 days: 1) Think about a challenge to do in regard of self-help. 2) For now, I am trying to set the command in my subconscious mind to not take the book so seriously. Thank you for reading! =)

Thank you!

“Dearest Inner Child, I'm so sorry if you ever felt hurt, abandoned, rejected or doubted by anyone in the past, or if you've ever felt that I’ve lived in a way that has excluded you from my experience; made you feel less than, humiliated; if I judged you by calling you an ego, by thinking you are a barrier to God, or something for me to get away from; as if you weren’t a pivotal part of my journey, as if you weren’t the guardian to my highest Self. And I'm so sorry if my interest in spirituality made you feel like the invisible sibling that's never enough for my attention. I'm sorry if lovers seemed more important than loving you. And when you felt unsafe around the people I surrounded myself with, I'm sorry I did not hear your request. And instead, tried to desperately make people that made you feel unsafe validate my existence instead of keeping you safe. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Let this moment be a restart where we make peace, allowing the mind and heart to reunite. And we come together in the Oneness of Love to engage in Consciousness so that the war within myself can end. And I can finally feel the joy of being myself as a conscious parent to my own innocence, who no longer has to act so desperately to earn my loving approval, and no longer has to create existential crisis in order to motivate me to send love to you. I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did not know how deeply you were hurt. And I vow, from this moment forward, to be the one that keeps you safe, that allows you to speak whatever you need to say, that listens to anything you want to share, and that loves and adores you, as only I can love and adore you.”

What do you mean by dying?? Good point. I think that when the inner child is healed, the answer to that question becomes quite obvious...

July 21st, 1:55 PM STABILITY I have been feeling quite stable lately. This is a huge blessing. I don’t ever want to have a depressive or euphoric episode again. And if I do have it, I know I have to take quick action (calling my psychiatrist, for example). I have gone through too much suffering already. Over the past 12 years, I have lived on and off in hell. That’s more than enough. I don’t need that anymore. THANK GOD THE MEDICATION IS WORKING I am very grateful that Seroquel XRO is working well for me. And I honestly don’t feel any side effect. I have been gaining weight, but that was already happening prior to me taking it. In fact, what really makes me gain weight is binging, which happens a lot when depression is present. So I cannot say the medication caused that. In fact, it has helped me control my cravings. I WISH THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT I wish I had started the treatment sooner back when I was 11, which was when I went to my first psychologist. I have had 10-12 of them, and because they were so shitty, it was like fighting a war in the dark. HAVING LIVED IN HELL HAS ITS BENEFITS But that’s okay. If things had been easier in my life, I wouldn’t be so “wise” and empathetic. In my war against depression, I lost most of my teenage years; I gained weight; and I have a receding hairline (which was very likely caused by my emotional turmoil). But it is nothing big. I still had fun moments in my teenage years; I can go back to my "body’s natural shape”; and I still have hair. NO MORE DEPRESSION That being said, I CANNOT afford being depressed any longer. It is just a too high of a price to pay. Not only for the physical aspect, but also the emotional one. I can’t tolerate feeling shitty anymore. It's too painful and too self-destructive. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I am also not the worse also. I have gifts, and I want a life of wellness and prosperity. In a way, I feel like the world needs me. I am unique. I have gone through tough times, and I love human psychology. So I can help tons of people. >> I can be the psychologist I wished for when I was 11 << NO DEPRESSION = NO PROBLEMS I think I have written about this already, but lately I feel like anything is manageable, doable. Being in various depressive episodes throughout the last decade, I now have a very strong resilience and tolerance to emotional discomfort. Nothing in the outside world can intimidate as much as how I used to feel internally (in silence). WHY I WOULD NEVER OPEN UP I would not tell about how I was feeling to people, because I thought it was too deep, and that they wouldn’t understand. Not only this, people love giving unsolicited advice. And that was the last thing I needed. STIFF BODY - BEFORE AND NOW Depression makes the whole body stiff and achy. Generalized anxiety gives generalized tension. I do have some muscular discomforts right now, but it is nowhere near as intense as it used to be. I am feeling low on energy today, and -- again -- it is incomparable to how depression feels like. I know that this uncomfortable feelings and sensations will pass sooner or later. With depression, however, it feels as if it is going to last forever. DEALING WITH COMPARISON AND BULLYING Also, in regards to comparing myself to others and dealing with bullying, right now my attitude towards that is much softer than before. I would ruminate about how I was worse than someone; or when someone would insult me, I would think about that a lot. BACK ON MY FEET I am regaining my self-love and self-confidence. I don’t want a high self-esteem; I want a healthy self-esteem. I know that I have flaws and that I too make mistakes, but I also know that I am worthy of love and respect from my own self and from others. Thanks for reading! (:

Some points on this: >> For a very long time, I was in battle with myself in order to make new "healthy" habits. I would be very rigid with myself. I would adopt the "just do it" strategy. But that only works in the short run. >> >> I'd also label myself as "lazy and unproductive". At 19, I went to a psychiatrist who told me I had depression clinical. >> I was addicted to improving myself, to making new habits. I was addicted to having no addictions. >> Ever since i started taking the right medication, I am naturally disciplined. Sometimes my "dictator" self still creeps in trying to make myself a robot, but nowadays I quickly recognize it. Then, I let go of it, and I make sure to be kinder to myself.

This is what the medical community says. Hair loss is heavily linked to the genetics of the mom's side.

July 18th, 6:33 PM BAD SLEEP Today I slept very badly. I woke up in a very bad mood. But it was very different than how I feel when I am depressed. Deep down, I knew that if I took a nap, I would wake up feeling better. That doesn’t happen with depression. No matter how many hours I sleep, the unpleasant feelings are still there. POWERFUL NAP I took a 90-minute nap, and it felt really refreshing. That showed me how fragile being a human is. If I stop being able to sleep, or poop, or breathing; my well-being disappears. But in a way, it is a relief to have an external cause for my unhappiness. There’s nothing worse than feeling shitty as fuck while everything in the external world is fine. DEPRESSION, AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS I have dealt for too long with an invisible illness that makes things very hard to do, and not only that, I also dealt with the prejudice of others. For a very long time, I thought I was a lazy spoiled person. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It was a daily battle against the biochemistry of my brain. No pleasure. I wasn’t living; I was surviving. And I am so grateful for myself for being able to handle The Dark Night of The Soul for more than a decade! This is just unimaginable for most people. DEEP HEALING, DEEP PATIENCE I am going through a deep healing phase. The divorce of my parents was an atomic bomb. It was a very deep emotional trauma. And I survived it! I may not yet see the world as a friendly and safe place for now, but I know that sooner or later, I will be living in Heaven on Earth. Not that everyday will be filled with joy. But I know that I will be in my natural state. Spiritual Enlightenment Is Our Natural State THE PAST REVERBERATES IN THE PRESENT I still feel lonely at times. I still panic and think i will break down. There is this pervasive fear that I will go downhill, and that I will have to cancel all of my projects. I was having some anxiety over the children’s play I will do at the end of the year. But this anxiety passed. SIMPLER WAY TO TAKE MEDICATION It is so easy to underestimate taking my medication correctly. Nothing can help me more than this habit. 1) Take 4 pills of 50 mg when I wake up. (200 mg) 2) Take 2 pills of 25 mg in the morning. (50 mg) 3) Take 2 pills of 25 mg in the afternoon. (50 mg) 4) Take 4 pills of 100 in the evening (400 mg) Total: 600 mg per day I think that's the way to be in a stable humor. PLAN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY I will do some meditation. Be very kind to myself today. And try to have a good time. Tomorrow is a new day! And I am closer and closer to my natural self.

1) Hair loss is heavily linked to Generalized Anxiety. Check in with a psychiatrist to see if that applies to you. 2) The most effective way to stop your hair from falling and, if you're lucky, to make it grow back is to combine Propecia + Minoxidil. It's a life-long treatment. Some people claim that Propecia makes you sexually impotent, but the research has showed that this happens with only 1% of the people. 3) Avoid washing your hair with hot water.

Good one! In my case, it was going to a qualified and experienced psychoanalyst. In my first consultation with her, she assertively said that I need to medication. I was in a moment of my life in which I was heavily into stage Green (yoga, veganism, meditation, etc); and I thought medication was evil and it would block my chakras. Little did I know, I had clinical depression -- which is what really blocks the chakras. I am very grateful for her for "breaking the spell" of my own psychophobia (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Psychophobia). I somehow thought having clinical depression would make me less "spiritually evolved"... And I thought all psychiatrist were "low consciousness". Well, to be fair, most of them suck. But the one I found saved my life.

June 17th, 11:26 >> I feel very stable, conscious, alert. >> Mindfulness is not something I can train for; it is a natural feature of the sentient consciousness. >> Because humans have a very complex brain, thoughts can become a problem. We think so much, we forget that the mind is an instrument. If we don't control the mind, the mind controls us. >> I feel very intuitive. I am starting to appreciate my hits of intuition. >> Life seems to be flowing, finally. No need to do crazy-ass spiritual practices, or read books on deep topics. >> Enlightenment = trauma healed << >> Life itself is Heaven or Hell, depending on the state of consciousness. >> Shadow work is fundamental. >> Having a good therapist is fundamental. If you are trying to do shadow work alone, you're almost guaranteed to fall on your ass, or go to deep into the rabbit hole. >> I have written down all the times I will take my medication. This is very helpful to go through the day without panicking.

It doesn't matter. Stop making excuses, and go visualize! Lol

It is better to hospitalized than to live in a constant backlash of a rude awakening (aka The Dark Night Of The Soul)

MEDICATION SCHEDULE & STRATEGY: (for possibly the rest of the month) 1) 8-10 AM Wake up and take 200 mg of the prolonged liberation pills 2) 12-1 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 3) 3-4 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 4) 4-6 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 5) 8 - 9 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 6) 10-11 PM 300 mg immediate liberation Total: 500 mg OTHER GUIDELINES: > As soon as I get up, I will set the alarms on my phone for when I will take the pills. > Take from 1-3 times of the painkiller I like to use. > Nap, if I feel like it, from 20-90 minutes. > Stop by myself and gradually with the pregabalin (which is a medication that doesn't do shit to me) COMMENTARY: That’s a way more realistic strategy. I am in a moment of slowing down and have smaller expectations on myself, and taking maybe a higher dosage than the "ideal". My next consultation with the psychiatrist will be on the 31st. Until then, I think this strategy will allow me to feel stable. PS: I think I will print this and put it on my room's wall.

HOW THE CONSULTATION WENT I was feeling very confused and tensed up while I was there. I had this pervasive fear of being judged as a “whiner”, "weak", etc. However, my psychiatrist was very patient, open, and nice with me. We decided to increase the dosage of my current medication, and we’ll see how I feel until the end of the month. FUCK MY PSYCHOLOGIST. I WILL NAP IF I WANT TO! Then, I went home and took a nap. My psychologist told me I should avoid napping, but to be honest I am glad I did it. I feel refreshed. And it’s one thing to “nap” for 4 hours (like I used to do) and nap for 90 minutes. TENSED OR IN PAIN? PAINKILLER IT IS! I woke up like 10 minutes ago. I feel very tensed in my shoulders and neck. But that's something a painkiller can take care of. I definitely feel calmer. MY EXACT NEW DOSAGE + SOS PILLS A important thing you guys need to know: my fixed dosage is now 500 mg daily, and I can take up to 4 pills of 25 mg throughout the day in case I feel bad. It's an SOS type of thing. SOMETHING MY PSYCHIATRIST SAID I DIDN'T AGREE The doctor said that the antidepressant and anti-psychotic properties of this medication take a few days to kick in. I am not sure I fully agree with this. I have had moments where I was depressed or too agitated, and taking it helped me calm down. He said in this case it is only a hypnotic effect. THE IMPORTANCE OF THE EXTRA PILLS (SOS) For the rest of the month, I will take the increased dosage, and at least for the next week, plan to take the 4 extra pills everyday. I do not think I will have the discipline to do that for a long time, but I think in the short run, it is something important. Those extra pills often have a “placebo” benefit. I convince myself to do something by telling myself: “Ok, I will go there, and as soon as I am there, I will take one pill.” He said that I should drop the idea that this medication will make more energized. He said that my “volition” was low, which is basically my will-power, but I didn’t agree with that. Today, specifically, I was feeling lazy and unmotivated, but that’s not my baseline. INTUITIVE HIT As soon as I got home, I made a phone wallpaper written “TRUST YOURSELF”; It is very easy to let the opinions of psychologists or psychiatrists be more important than my own. In moments of emotional vulnerability, we often belittle ourselves. But following my intuition (despite what others were saying) was really important to have many blessings in my life, such as meeting two of my closest friends. MY PSYCHOLOGIST'S ADVICE ARE USELESS Another thing my psychologist recommended me that I will not folow is to avoid seeing “dark” stuff. I have been reading a book about bipolar disorder called "An Unquiet Mind", and i was really excited by it, but then I thought it would be better to stop reading it. I mean, what is the problem with that? If what I am naturally leaning to is “darker” stuff, then what is the problem? Should I only do butterfly-and-rainbows kind of thing? Sure, I don’t think I should overindulge in negative things, but this book, for example, is a biography of one of the highest authorities on maniac-depressive illness (aka bipolar disorder). It can be a huge inspiration to me! STOP PANICKING OVER LITTLE STUFF. No problem is unsolvable. I often think things are worse than they actually are. I demand perfection in my life, so whenever something slightly bad is happening, I panic; I think it is the end of the world. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Reminder to myself: It is okay if I take painkillers for a while. It is okay if I take a slightly higher dosage of my medication. The real thing I should worry about is repressing my thoughts and emotions, and being "a good boy" all the time. Because when i do that, things come back stronger and uglier. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Radical honesty is not overexposure and orversharing!

Day 23 - 7-16-2019 Weight: 98,2 kg Commentary: I tried to install an app for keeping track of how much I eat, but I just didn't have the discipline to keep track of it. I also had a depressive episode that made overeat A LOT. Today I woke up feeling "unswollen", so I decided to weight myself. It was more or less 98,2 kg, which is not bad at all. I do admit that I have been eating more than I "should". Anyway, my initial goal was not to go beyond 100 kg in the 30 days. I want to schedule with a nutritionist I found online that has a "humanistic" approach. But I don't want to give up completely on this challenge. My "goal", once again, is to not go beyond 100 kg.

I have just scheduled a consultation with my psychiatrist for today. I will try to stay as honest as possible. In my opinion, the dosage should increase 100 mg daily. I will see what the psychiatrist tells me. I will also ask if it is possible to take all the pills at once at night, or if this is not a good strategy. And if I can I was planning to do some stuff with my friends, but I am just not feeling very well. But I am farily certain this is not depression; I am just grumpy. The weather is cold and cloudy today, so maybe that's it. I also tried to schedule a nutritionist today. I am glad it didn't work out, because it would have been too much. I have some pain in my body. It's very likely that it was caused by my mattress. I will try to convince my dad to buy me one by the end of the week. But anyway, the most important thing I have to do today is to go to the psychiatrist. Just showing up is enough. I will report how the consultation went later today (or tomorrow).

Haha! Good one!