kag101

Wow, man, I can really relate to what you're going through. Here's a fragment of a poem by Fernando Pessoa: I light a cigarette as I think of writing And I savor the release of all thoughts in my cigarette. I follow the smoke as its own route, And I enjoy, in a sensitive and competent moment, The liberation of all speculation And the awareness that metaphysics is a consequence of being in a bad mood. In other words, when you're enjoying your life, your mental health is stable, and your needs are being met; all those deep existential unanswerable questions are no longer so relevant. "Dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis. Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum. In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict." That was really beautiful. This is called clinical depression. And to overcome it, you need good professional help. I have recently written a topic about how psychotherapy and psychiatry has helped me: I hope you get better!

Yes, for sure! Before I found the right one, I'd tried about 7-9 psychotherapists. Some were OK, some were bad, and some were terrible. I think you should keep trying. It is really worth it. Nowadays, I actually look forward to going to therapy. It is a place where I can be myself; say whatever is on my mind; and don't have to be positive, light & love, or spiritually evolved. That is, I don't have to force anything. Through a sincere dialogue, insights arise. And then, I feel better in an organic way. I always leave there feeling more optimistic, relieved, and motivated. One thing I really like about my therapist is that she is not blunt. She doesn't tell me what I "need to do" nor tries to "expose" my ego. The insights come from the inside out. When is needed, though, she states her opinion in an assertive way. But not in an overly blunt way, such as "You NEED to stop smoking weed. What on Earth are you thinking? You're wasting your life by doing that!". Instead, she often does so in a form of a question: "I'd like for you to consider whether smoking marijuana is really a good idea for this moment of your life." In other words, she respects my intelligence and does not treat me like I am a 3-year-old. This way, the bond and trust between therapist-patient is strengthened.

Medications I take 1) Seroquel (Quetiapine) This is an anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties. It helps me not to get euphoric, and it also helps me to fall asleep. The downside was that it was making me sleep and eat a lot. 2) Wellbutrin (Bupropion) This is an antidepressant that is also used for people to stop smoking. Unlike the majority of the antidepressant, it does not deal with serotonin. But instead with dopamine. In other words, it helps mainly with volition (which is the technical term for will-force). It is stimulating, so some people feel anxious with it. Another good thing about this medication: it does not cause sexual side effects nor weight gain. Change in dosage: On my last consultation, on November 27th, my psychiatrist decreased the dosage of Seroquel and increased the dosage of Wellbutrin. This worked really well. I stopped eating and sleeping too much. And I have much more vitality. However... Scary Anxiety Attack On December 7th (Saturday), I had an anxiety attack. I hadn't had one in a very long time. It was really scary, and I wasn't prepared for it. > My breathing got very constricted and shallow. I was panicking, as if something really bad was going to happen (impending doom), and I felt a lot of muscle discomfort throughout my body (especially neck, shoulder, and jaw). It was a very frustrating experience, because I had been feeling very well lately. Then, in the evening, I took Seroquel (it has a sedative effect). This allowed me to fall asleep. Next day - not anxious, but depressed I woke up without the panic and all the physical pain. But I was in a sort of a "hangover". I was pretty depressed and with very little energy. My dad's family was going to go to the beach, and they invited me. But I was considering not going due to how I was feeling. I was almost sure that the new dosage of Wellbutrin had caused the anxiety attack. I was pretty scared that something similar would happen. I texted my psychiatrist, and he said it was too soon to determine that the new dosage had caused the anxiety. I had decided not to go. But my dad went to my house to pick up some stuff for my older sister. When I saw my little brother and my little sister, I decided to take a shot and go. Still feeling depressed, but then the bubble popped It took me some hours to snap out of the depression. It was very unpleasant. I felt like I wasn't "inside" my body. I was distant. I didn't feel any connection with anyone. All I wanted to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I really wanted to lie down. Then, one moment at the beach, I had a moment in which I was able to simply let go of the depression. It is really wonderful when that happens. And then, for the next hours, I was able to be playful, laugh, and enjoy. Discovering the likely cause of the anxiety attack Then, the next few days were pretty good. I was back to normal. Then, one day, I drank coffee. About twenty minutes later, I began to feel a lot of anxiety once again. It was scary, but nowhere near as bad the other time. I contacted my psychiatrist, and he said that the combination between Wellbutrin + Caffeine can trigger anxiety, agitation, and restlessness. So, ever since, I haven't drunk coffee, soda, and green tea. Fortunately, I am not addicted to any of those. So it was relatively easy to stop drinking them. After that, I have been feeling stable. So I do not plan to consume caffeine anymore (or as long as I am in this medication). PS: I took a blood exam. The only thing that was high was something called Creatine kinase. My doctor and I haven't figured out why that happened. Maybe it is because of the medication I am taking. I really hope it is not. I am adapting very well to this medication, and I would not want to change it. Thanks for reading! And feel free to comment

I hope the LSD hasn't worn off yet

What is that suppose to mean? I find your comment very condescending, as if you were in a "higher" stage. And, well, it hasn't passed... I think there's a misconception that we need to "dissolve our ego and immerse into the 'Universal Consciousness'". Nature is not stupid. The ego exists for a reason. It is like a horse. We should all have a strong and healthy ego, but a tamed one. Don't you agree?

Thank you Yeah... I wouldn't imagine I'd make so much progress in one year. Seeking professional help was the best thing I could have done to make myself be happy again. The thought of "I can do it all by myself" is very dangerous and ends up being ineffective. How I Was 1 Year Ago One year ago, I was living a very uncomfortable, sad, and empty life. I'd wake up at 5 PM. Binge eat. Then, I'd stay in my room, lie on my bed and use my notebook to watch random videos on Youtube all night long. You can read that in more detail on my first journal: In a nutshell, I was feeling very hopeless and miserable. I had physical pain/discomfort all over my body. Social anxiety was up on the roof. And depression was also present. Then, in November of 2018, I decided to schedule a psychiatrist session, and even though I wasn't fond of taking medication, I decided to try it out. First Psychiatrist - Overly Logical and Not Empathetic Well, as Leo usually says, we have to start somewhere... I'd rate this psychiatrist 5/10. Since he's into arts, I'd thought he would be open-minded and compassionate. Not at all. He was OK as far prescribing medication goes, but he was just very blunt and overly logical. I started out with the antidepressant (Venlafaxine). When I was using it by itself, I remember I'd feel very euphoric one day, then the other one I'd feel depressed again. But it was manageable. Since my mood was still low most of the time, the psychiatrist decided to add another one called Wellbutrin (bupropion). This combination, alongside with the psychoactive drug I was using called rapé, triggered a hypomaniac episode. Oh, and btw, some of his advice (such as"YOU HAVE TO WEIGHTLIFT!!") contributed for that to happen. Next Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist As of June of this year, I have changed my psychiatrist and I started going to a very good psychologist. It's mind-blowing the difference between a mediocre psychotherapist and a good one. Seriously... it's like watching a 144p video and a 1080p one. I'm not sure if this was a good comparassion, lol. To be honest, I don't really feel a strong connection with my psychiatrist, but he's competent. I am currently using quetiapine (an atypical anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties) + Wellbutrin (this one is to give energy, and I believe we have found the correct dosage). The only thing that concerns me is that all of this is expensive. Currently, my dad pays for it. However, I don't know if he'll be able to do so next year. I am trying to not overthink about this, and just focus on my day-to-day progress. But anyway, the most important thing is: taking the first step was crucial. Yeah, the first psychiatrist was certainly not the best one. However, if I hadn't sought some sort of help at that time, I'd be probably still feeling shitty most of the time. And the fact that I have recently, for example, started to go out with some people I met on Tinder is pretty unimaginable considering how worse off I was a year ago.

OLD POST THAT WAS SAVED HERE August 28th (Wednesday), 7:00 PM I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.

I went to a bad depressive phase that lasted for about 3-4 months. All I wanted was to stay in bed, eat, browse the internet, and sleep. I didn’t want to see my friends, nor interact with others. I have had social anxiety since I was 11. During that phase, I was fearful of others seeing that I wasn’t happy. I also gained weight during that period because I was binge eating a lot. The only thing that made me get out of my house was going to soccer games. For some reason, I’d feel alive when I was there. Totally grounded in the present moment. It was like a defibrillator. But my “aliveness” would only last for maximum 3 days. I already went to a psychitriast in the past. Long story short, I didn't adapt at all to the medication. Then one day, I simply quit. And I started to go to ayahuasca ceremonies as an attempt to heal myself. In the beginning, I felt great. But eventually I had a maniac and psychotic crisis during a ritual. Now, I don't take ayahuasca anymore. Nowadays, the only indigenous medicine I use is rapé. It’s made out of tobacco and tree barks. It’s really effective for anxiety. It grounds me. Even though it's psychoactive, I think it's safe. Thanks to a great friend of mine, I started to go to a psychiatrist. I have started to take medication (antidepressant) three months ago. And I feel much better. In the beginning of the treatment, I wasn’t able to be authentic with the psychiatrist, because I thought he would judge me. But now, I feel comfortable sharing how I am truly feeling. With medication, I feel well most of the time. That being said, I still have some emotional relapses. I have experienced two main side effects: the first one was anorgasmia (not being able to achieve orgasm and ejaculation). Fortunately, this only happened in the first month of the medication. The other one is bruxism (grinding my teeth). This makes my jaw tired and can cause problems in the future (e.g., headaches). I think I already had that in the past, but with the medication it has intensified. I went to a dentist and I am now using a mouth guard when I am sleeping to alleviate the problems caused by the grinding. Unfortunately, this also happens during the day... I started today an extra medication today (also antidepressant) so that I don’t have relapses anymore. Using only one medication, I feel well for like 6 days, then 1 day I feel shitty. I also have to stay alert to see if I go to the polar opposite and start to feel euphoric. If that happens, it probably means I have bipolar type 2. So I will probably have to use lithium... That said, I tend to put myself under a microscope: Anyway, I hope I adapt to this new medication. One side effect I have already started to feel is nausea. But my doctor said this will likely stop. During this year, I started to make some money. It’s a very rewarding feeling to do something I like and also get paid for it. Things I want to achieve: - Get back to teaching - Get in shape - Start doing psychotherapy - Fix my sleeping schedule In this journal, I will post: > how I am feeling > if I am progressing or not in life > venting and random thoughts I might also post quotes, videos, and songs. This will not be a predominantly doom and gloom journal. It might happen sometimes though. And I will also be careful to not overshare stuff. Feel free to post comments here and PM me, but please do not say things like “medication is evil, dude” Thanks for reading!

I think you should take a break from meditation.

Exactly... There's a quote I really like from Jack Kornfield "My family hates me when I am a Buddhist. But they love me when I am a Buddha."

Do you use drugs?

I think that if you have completely backslided just because you ate something outside of your usual "healthy" diet (that is, what your father cooked), that's a sign that your strategy for eating healthy is probably neurotic. From my experience, binge eating has a lot to do with repressing oneself. You tell yourself a lot of "no's" and you eat in a mechanical way. However, just like a pressure cooking, you sooner or later explode. For a very long time, I was vegan and only ate extremely healthy food, with virtually no oil, salt, or sugar. I was really neurotic. Little did I know, I had developed an eating disorder called orthorexia. I was also into yoga and Buddhism. After a year of this dietary perfectionism, I was very underweight and barely ate. All the repressing I did for almost a year came back full-force to the other end of the spectrum. Even though I was still a vegan, I was eating a LOT of carbs. Dealing with eating disorders is not easy. There is no easy solution. Most nutritionists suck, but there are some good ones.

Yes. Lots of beliefs we have today stem from childhood. And many of them are incorrectly. We as children concluded many things, but oftentimes inaccurately. After all, we were children. So it's really important take time to examine our beliefs. For example, if someone was told in childhood that "Rich people are evil"; this person might subconsciously self-sabotage when he or she is earning more money. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be really useful in this case so as to challenge those outdated limiting beliefs.

Some people, like Garbor Mate, think that almost every single difficulty is caused by childhood trauma. On the pole opposite, there's this guy. IMO, it's the middle ground. Our upbringing affects our lives, but it's not the end all, be all.

Dear Gosh... I tried to read this journal, and boy oh boy did I write a lot. Reading what I wrote and editing is important to just leave only what is truly important. I am considering opening up a new journal on here. For the past month, I started a private journal. It's been really good. There are some very cringey stuff that I wrote here that would be better off in a private journal. Last Monday, I turned 23. I still haven't found a new psychiatrist. I started taking keyboard classes, but I got demotivated to do so. I want to see the "new" Tarantino movie.

This sounds tempting lol

Tuesday, September 2nd, 12:28 AM I really need to change my psychiatrist. I am wasting my time with him. Both my dad and my psychologist are insisting that I keep going to him. I had a break from my depression and anxiety today, and it became clear to me that this makes no sense. This doctor makes me feel bad. I never have any "a-ha" moments with him. Why would I insist with someone who is not working? I have been going to him for 3 months, and that's enough. My strategy would be going to a new psychiatrist every week until I find "the one". I think that would work. I feel like I have already found a psychologist who "fits" me. And now it is time to find the right doctor (and consequently the medication).

Wednesday, August 28, 7:00 PM I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.

Omg... you're being neurotic about neurosis... I agree. Psychotherapy has helped me a lot in this area. The trick is finding a good therapist.

No way. The goal of spiritual practices is not to become a passive person. This is a common misconception. This goes back to the idea of "killing" the ego. What you really want is a strong but tamed ego Here's a good read on this topic: https://jackkornfield.com/misconceptions-selflessness/

August 22nd, 7:27 PM The consultation was pretty shitty. I felt like I was in a coaching session. The psychiatrist asked things like: - What do you want? - What are you doing to get what you want? I told him that I wanted to quit acting classes. Then, he asked: - Tell me one specific and straight-forward reason for that. Seriously, fuck off... I don't want to answer these types of questions. I want to feel emotionally stable... I don't want to fucking set goals Interesting to note that I wrote about how I hate these kinds of things the day before: Side Note: I found a very good book called "I Am Not Sick. I Don't Need Help". The author is a psychologist of Columbia University. His brother had schizophrenia. For seven-fucking-years, he was trying to convince his brother to treat himself using logic. But it didn't work at all. It's like a dog: the more you push it, the more it pushes you back. Then, he took a different approach. A more compassionate and empathetic one. He stopped telling his brother what he needed to do, and instead tried to truly understand him. This was how his brother accepted to treat himself. Here's the Ted Talk. Very good: My Opinion On My Psychiatrist I don't really like him. He is very fake. He has an inauthentic tone of voice. He shakes hands extremely firmly (I think that's to give the impression of confidence). And he doesn't understand much about Social Anxiety, which I believe is my real problem. I have focused so much on depression and bipolar that I forgot about SAD. ______________________________________________________________________________ Well, that didn't last long. I was very depressed for the last 2 days. I had a psychotherapy session today, and it was very good as usual. Now I feel good. She is truly empathetic. And she is very good at making me slow down and focus on fewer things but on a deeper level. With her help, I decided to: 1) Quit the acting classes. I feel very relieved to have quit the theater thing. This was giving me a lot of antecipatory anxiety, and I was procrastinating to tell them I was going to quit. 2) Take keyboard classes. I think the keyboard classes are something positive to include in my routine. It is not extremely hard, instead it is something cool, engaging, and stimulating. And the teacher is great and easy-going. Other insights: 1) Try to recognize my authentic self, which is underneath all the layers of conditioning. 2) I have a natural talent for researching. Can I feel depressed, anxious, etc. in the upcoming days? Yes. But at least now I have less pressure. I will experiment the classes for a month. Then, afterwards, I will think about what I will do. I think I have a good strategy.