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Haha, talk about patronizing! Your resources can also be destructive! (Depending on the teacher). Evidence? I highly disagree with that. Can you justify your claim? Important: A psychotherapist is not "other people" - but a professional who has studied for many years on how to help others solve psychological problems. If a person has clinical depression it is impossible to be "there for oneself". Btw - This topic is not just about psychotherapy. It is also about medication. I live my life to the best of my abilities. Then, I talk about what's going on in my weekly session. And insights arise. I don't think that's enough for a good psychotherapy session. I have had many therapists who would ALL the time nod their head and say things like "I see", "oh...", "Hmm...", etc. Venting is not psychotherapy. A good therapist should know the right time to interrupt. Mine speaks 5% of the time, but she is surgical. I definitely do not see myself going to therapy for more than 2 or 3 years. In my case at least, medication is pivotal in my recovery process. I wouldn't have improved that much if I were still be overwhelmed by the zombieness of depression, and by the discomfort and restlessness of anxiety. My therapy would help a bit, but nothing extraordinary. After I found the right medication, it's as if psychotherapy is on steroids. Like 10x more effective. Clarity arises? Lol. Depression would arise in my case haha. I really don't think this nihilistic approach would help someone who's struggling with mental illness. Instead of thinking about how everything will eventually be gone forever, I prefer to have a more positive, proactive approach to life. That is, define my life purpose, and fight for it. Having no defined purpose is not healthy in my opinion. We are not like dogs and cats who can perfectly live a good life just by being safe, loved, and fed. I don't find this is fulfilling. Healthy ambition is really important! I really like this episode: One cannot be present and enjoy the ~Now~ if he or she has, for example, clinical depression. It's not as if it's possible "cheat" life by accessing ~the Now~ and all one's problems will be solved. I rathe plan the steps I am going to take to be back on my feet, and to have an awesome life. Seeking professional help was the first step. Then, patience is needed to know that it is a process, and I should not try and rush it. If my psychology and brain chemistry are okay, I will naturally be in the Now. I will not have to "try" to be present, which is something that has never worked for me...

Update Anyway, here are some updates on various areas of my life: Things I Want to Buy Mattress I've been trying to find a good mattress for more than a year. It's something that has been stressing me out. I feel insecure about buying one and not liking it. I am also insecure about buying a pillow. Idea: I want to take one afternoon and go to various stores. And then see the mattress I like the most. Keyboard I have a piano at home, and to be honest, I don't really like it. The sound is too strident and the keys are VERY stiff. So after I practice for about 10 minutes, my hands end up getting tired. I've found a pretty affordable keyboard online. It's about U$400. Shoes I've recently bought a new shoes. It's from Puma. But it's simply not comfortable. I will try to exchange it for a New Balance shoes. I've heard this brand is really good. Money I am learning how to manage my money. I tend to be quite neurotic and panicky about this. But I am taking one step at a time and I am also setting realistic expectations. Anxiety Since I stopped drinking coffee, I didn't have anxiety attacks anymore. Idea: Maybe if I drink just a little bit of coffee, it won't do me much harm. I will have to experiment with that. Weight I noticed that I was getting neurotic about losing weight. I was weighing myself everyday, and I don't think that's a good thing to do. Idea: I will try to weight myself weekly, and I'll see how that goes. Bad habits: I have been battling with some urges. I don't want to repress the shit out of me, and then end up backsliding really bad. But I also don't want to do things that will cause me harm. Alcohol In the New Year, I wanted to drink a glass of champagne. I was thinking a lot about this. My psychologist told me I shouldn't. And my psychiatrist told me that I could, if I did it in moderation. Anyway, I was overthinking this a lot. And that was stressing me out. In the end, I didn't even drink. I didn't have to repress myself. In the day itself, I didn't feel like drinking. I don't trust myself. I fear getting addicted to alcohol despite having no evidence about that. And lately, every time someone drinks alcoholic beverages near me I feel like drinking also... Things I should really avoid One thing that would be a very bad idea to do would be to smoke weed. I don't really want it, because the weed in my country is really shitty and smelly. Plus, I don't really get high. Another bad thing would be rapé (shamanic snuff). I was using this a lot. And I am pretty sure it was worsening my depression. Luckily the people around me do not use it, so I don't really get triggered. Insight: I got to live one day at a time. And if I do relapse, then I will have to deal with the situation at that moment. Thinking about this ahead of time won't really help me. Routine 1) Psychotherapy It will return next Tuesday! Thankfully! It wasn't easy to be without it for almost a month. But I did it. Luckily, my therapist allows me to text her when I need to. During the holidays, I was fearing that I would feel depressed or bored af, but it was actually quite good. A lot of bonding moments. 2) Keyboard I did my first class of 2020 today, after the holiday break. I am excited for that, because my teacher is really good. And this year, I also want to be part of a band. It's a feature of the school. They set up the band, then there's weekly rehearsals, and a presentation every 3 months. 3) Private Spanish classes. I have gone back to taking online spanish classes with a very good teacher I had about five years ago. His name is Marcos, and he is from Chile. His classes are very dynamic and fun. Insight: I think I can inspire myself to give Portuguese classes based on his classes. 4) Driving school I will take my driver's license this year. Going out with people Taking a break I have gone out with about 5 people over the past month. And that has been quite a ride! I was falling for a person, but I sensed there was no reciprocity and I was feeling too jealous. So I decided to distance myself for a while. Also, I don't really think we have that much things in common. Passion blinds us... It's okay to feel infatuation but up to a certain level. After that, it becomes an unhealthy thing, sort of like an addiction. And particularly because over these past few weeks I was kind of vulnerable (for not going to therapy), I can see that distancing myself was the best option. I also took a break from Tinder. I was getting kind of obsessed with it. if I got a match with an attractive person, I'd get obsessed with whether he'll reply or not. I went out with two other people. It was fun, but I honestly don't feel like seeing them again. Insight: I am learning how to reject a person and how to be rejected. It's not that easy. I have been talking with a person who I find very interesting. But I am not in the "searching for a romantic partner mode". I know that I should focus on friendships and on myself. Romantic stuff comes as a by-product. In a Nutshell Anyway, overall, my life is going well. I feel like I am in the right direction. Like genuinely in the right direction. Not some fake-optimism kind of thing. I do have challenges in my life, but they are "overcomeable". Mental illness, on the other hand, gives a set of problems that are simply pathological. Unreasonable suffering that has no clear cause nor clear solution. Fortunately, I am stabilized due to good professional help. Lately, I like what I am doing. I feel authentic. I am developing new habits naturally. My routines has more meaningful activities. If I keep progressing in this pace, I will soon be living a very satisfying life. Thank you all!

I disagree. I know how powerful and therapeutic self-reflection and meditative practices can be. But in many cases - especially when dealing with mental illnesses - those kinds of practices not only aren't enough, but they can even worsen the person's condition. Therefore, high-quality professional face-to-face help is crucial for a lot of people. Here's a great article about this topic: https://psychcentral.com/lib/you-cant-fight-depression-alone/ You're right! For people who are struggling with mental illness, the combo medication + psychotherapy is indeed "almost guaranteed to bring good results and also much more rewarding in the long run." And, in this case, alternative self-healing techniques are likely to be destructive. ??? Yes, that can happen with some types of medication, particularly controlled substances (e.g., Xanax, oxycodone, Adderall, etc.) All of these medications can be life-saver for some people. At the same time, because they are so potent and instaneously effective, many people abuse them. On the other hand, antidepressants (SSRI, SNRIs, TCAs, etc) work differently. First, the person doesn't get a high out of them. The effects are not instantaneous. The medication takes about 2-4 weeks to start working. So it's not possible to abuse it. Second, they only work for people who actually have depression. They are similar to antipyretics. If a person who has no fever takes paracetamol, his/her body temperature will not change. Similarly, if someone who doesn't have depression take antidepressants, their mood will not be uplifted. So, the medication only works for people who are out of balance. Third, they are also not addictive. Think about using a glass because of myopia. The person is not "dependent" on the glass; he or she needs it in order to function well. I have certainly done that lol Well, that's a tricky question. 1) Is your therapist graduated in psychology? 2) Have you ever asked if he/she thinks it's a good idea for you to go to a psychiatrist? If you are seeing some minor result, that is, if you leave each session with new insights, with a sense of relief and hope; then, I believe you're on the right track. So in this case, you need to be patient without wanting to fix everything in your life too quickly. My therapist said once to me, "Don't try to progress 50 years in 5." That's a Portuguese expression, so I am not sure if it makes sense in English. Leo has a very good episode on this topic: Wow, awesome! I even got goosebumps from reading this!

IMPORTANT: I think I didn't stress this enough, but I wouldn't have had such great results if I wasn't also going to a psychiatrist. I know a lot of people think negatively about this topic. And in fact, a lot of psychiatrists suck and can do more harm than good. That being said, ever since I found the right psychiatrist, and he prescribed me the right medication and at the right dosage, I feel like a different person. It is similar to having the flu vs not having the flu. You can clearly feel the difference. The thing with mental illness is that it is invisible. So lots of people still don't really believe that they are real. But, anyway, internally the difference between me without medication vs me with medication is crystal-clear. Thank you all!

Yes, it is expensive. But it's worth it. I believe that can work. Personally, I don't really like how some coaches are too "goal-oriented". In my case, that becomes counterproductive. Not necessarily. I have seen many people who, when started to take a lot of psychedelics, got very delusional (myself included). Haha, yes... That's very common. There's even a book that deals with that, which is called: "I Am Not Sick. I Don't Need Help." Thank you! I hope you find a good one! Thanks! Do you like your therapist? Keep in mind that It's important to be patient. It's not necessarily a fast process. In fact, one of the traps is to try and rush results. I don't believe that's totally accurate. That's good. Then, I believe, the therapist you were going to wasn't as good as you think. Psychotherapy is definitely not like writing in a journal. I personally loving writing, and I know it has a therapeutic-feel to it. But it's just you and you, and we are biased towards our own lives because we are living it. A professional, experienced psychologist will give one inputs—which comes from years of studying and of experience dealing with other people—that can be pure golden nuggets. I will carry some insights I got in psychotherapy to the rest of my life. Regarding talking with a good friend. Yes, it can be good at times for you to vent and feel a sense of relief. But that's about it. First of all, the psychotherapist is not emotionally involved with you, so he/she can have a more objective view of what's going on in your life. Another benefit is that it's possible to condense all of one's shadow, unresolved business, confusions into the weekly hour of therapy. This way, the person doesn't need to use his friends to be his/her "pseudo-therapist". A good therapist allows the patient to speak freely, but will make precise questions at the right time, and will direct the conversation. Sometimes the right question can lead to a very profound insight that one would't have had through journaling, meditating, talking with a friend, taking psychedelics etc. Here's a quote I like: High-quality psychotherapy is a sanctuary. I am sorry, but in this case I completely disagree with you. So you're saying that, for instance, someone who needs a surgery shouldn't have one because there's a risk of the surgeon being incompetent? There are good lawyers, and bad lawyers. Good teachers, and bad teachers. Good house-cleaners, and bad house-cleaners. Etc. To me, the real danger is advising someone who is not stable mentally to do psychedelics, hard-core yoga, fasting, etc. Or go to a shaman who says that the person is filled with obsessive entities. I speak from personal experiences. In many case, self-healing is not enough, and it actually made things worse off down the road. Right now, my self-healing practices are a complement to my medical treatment. My practices are softer yet more balanced and effective. I am not neurotically trying to reach a God-like state, which is something that hinders progress because there's too much tension and expectation involved. The standard advice for someone who is, for example, in a major depressive episode should always be to seek help with a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. Anything advice different from that is, in my opinion, not only ineffective but also irresponsible. That's good. I've never heard about contemplative psychology. My therapist is into psychoanalysis (she really likes Freud). So she's very "traditional". Because of that, I'd thought she would ask me many questions about my childhood and try to dig deep into my subconscious and my dreams. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She is actually very practical. I can talk about my past if I want, but she doesn't force that. She always dances to my tune, so to say, and direct the conversation when needed. She speaks only about 5-10% of the time, but when she opens her mouth, I know it will be something valuable. I also think about that. After going there for 2-3 months, I told about this to my therapist. And she said: "Hold on... this can really happen, but you're just in the beginning." Me and my tendency to try and rush my recovery... Sometimes a "crutch" is necessary for one to walk. And then eventually one can let go of it.

I used a site where you can find doctors, and patients leave a review of them. But it works only in Brazil. But I am sure there are sites like this in the US. Thanks, man! The combo medication + psychotherapy is really helping me out. Medication makes sure I am "me" (and not the lifeless and anxious version of myself). And psychotherapy helps me "untie my inner knots". Like this: In other words, medication deals with the symptoms. And psychotherapy deals with the cause. One may say, "Oh... then let's forget about the symptoms and just focus on the cause." However, sometimes it is necessary to reduce the symptoms before being able to access the cause. The suffering depression causes would prevent me from going to the root of the problem. Yes, she is. And good luck ? I am glad it has helped you! I also want to work in this field. In fact, I was a psychology major in college (didn't finish it though). In spite of that, I had a hidden prejudice against me doing psychotherapy. "I don't need help. I can figure things out by myself." This arrogance—as if I were somehow superior to others—was what delayed my healing the most. I now understand the power of science. That is, through centuries, thousands of highly talented individuals worked their ass off to see what really works in fields like psychology and psychiatry. So how on Earth do I think I can reinvent the wheel by myself? That being said, I'd only had crappy psychologists and psychiatrists. When I found good ones, whoa... it's a whole different story. I heard a psychologist saying that he's learned more about psychology in psychotherapy than at university. So I think it's important that you go through the process of psychotherapy yourself. Another thing that's really helpful is true empathy. Here's a great video about it: And the rest of my opinion is here: Thank you all for the positive feedback! Feel free to ask any questions, or make a comment!

Omg... what is that supposed to mean? This thing about being an "alpha" is an outdated concept in my opinion. Maybe you could ask her how she feels about you? What do you mean by "make a move"? You guys are talking and then suddenly you decided to kiss her? I don't think that's necessary. I think it's better to, for example, touch her in a friendly manner and see if there is reciprocity. And then you move from there... That being said, with every break-up, there is a grieving process. So don't hurry... The forces of life definitely do not care about you "having" her. Lol... "Focus on yourself, and the rest will follow".

Thanks Thank you! I had to experiment with a lot of stuff (yoga, tai chi, family constellation, NLP, etc.) to finally find what really works for me. And it was something that was always behind my nose (psychotherapy), but I thought it wouldn't work.

Wow, man, I can really relate to what you're going through. Here's a fragment of a poem by Fernando Pessoa: I light a cigarette as I think of writing And I savor the release of all thoughts in my cigarette. I follow the smoke as its own route, And I enjoy, in a sensitive and competent moment, The liberation of all speculation And the awareness that metaphysics is a consequence of being in a bad mood. In other words, when you're enjoying your life, your mental health is stable, and your needs are being met; all those deep existential unanswerable questions are no longer so relevant. "Dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis. Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum. In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict." That was really beautiful. This is called clinical depression. And to overcome it, you need good professional help. I have recently written a topic about how psychotherapy and psychiatry has helped me: I hope you get better!

Yes, for sure! Before I found the right one, I'd tried about 7-9 psychotherapists. Some were OK, some were bad, and some were terrible. I think you should keep trying. It is really worth it. Nowadays, I actually look forward to going to therapy. It is a place where I can be myself; say whatever is on my mind; and don't have to be positive, light & love, or spiritually evolved. That is, I don't have to force anything. Through a sincere dialogue, insights arise. And then, I feel better in an organic way. I always leave there feeling more optimistic, relieved, and motivated. One thing I really like about my therapist is that she is not blunt. She doesn't tell me what I "need to do" nor tries to "expose" my ego. The insights come from the inside out. When is needed, though, she states her opinion in an assertive way. But not in an overly blunt way, such as "You NEED to stop smoking weed. What on Earth are you thinking? You're wasting your life by doing that!". Instead, she often does so in a form of a question: "I'd like for you to consider whether smoking marijuana is really a good idea for this moment of your life." In other words, she respects my intelligence and does not treat me like I am a 3-year-old. This way, the bond and trust between therapist-patient is strengthened.

Medications I take 1) Seroquel (Quetiapine) This is an anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties. It helps me not to get euphoric, and it also helps me to fall asleep. The downside was that it was making me sleep and eat a lot. 2) Wellbutrin (Bupropion) This is an antidepressant that is also used for people to stop smoking. Unlike the majority of the antidepressant, it does not deal with serotonin. But instead with dopamine. In other words, it helps mainly with volition (which is the technical term for will-force). It is stimulating, so some people feel anxious with it. Another good thing about this medication: it does not cause sexual side effects nor weight gain. Change in dosage: On my last consultation, on November 27th, my psychiatrist decreased the dosage of Seroquel and increased the dosage of Wellbutrin. This worked really well. I stopped eating and sleeping too much. And I have much more vitality. However... Scary Anxiety Attack On December 7th (Saturday), I had an anxiety attack. I hadn't had one in a very long time. It was really scary, and I wasn't prepared for it. > My breathing got very constricted and shallow. I was panicking, as if something really bad was going to happen (impending doom), and I felt a lot of muscle discomfort throughout my body (especially neck, shoulder, and jaw). It was a very frustrating experience, because I had been feeling very well lately. Then, in the evening, I took Seroquel (it has a sedative effect). This allowed me to fall asleep. Next day - not anxious, but depressed I woke up without the panic and all the physical pain. But I was in a sort of a "hangover". I was pretty depressed and with very little energy. My dad's family was going to go to the beach, and they invited me. But I was considering not going due to how I was feeling. I was almost sure that the new dosage of Wellbutrin had caused the anxiety attack. I was pretty scared that something similar would happen. I texted my psychiatrist, and he said it was too soon to determine that the new dosage had caused the anxiety. I had decided not to go. But my dad went to my house to pick up some stuff for my older sister. When I saw my little brother and my little sister, I decided to take a shot and go. Still feeling depressed, but then the bubble popped It took me some hours to snap out of the depression. It was very unpleasant. I felt like I wasn't "inside" my body. I was distant. I didn't feel any connection with anyone. All I wanted to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I really wanted to lie down. Then, one moment at the beach, I had a moment in which I was able to simply let go of the depression. It is really wonderful when that happens. And then, for the next hours, I was able to be playful, laugh, and enjoy. Discovering the likely cause of the anxiety attack Then, the next few days were pretty good. I was back to normal. Then, one day, I drank coffee. About twenty minutes later, I began to feel a lot of anxiety once again. It was scary, but nowhere near as bad the other time. I contacted my psychiatrist, and he said that the combination between Wellbutrin + Caffeine can trigger anxiety, agitation, and restlessness. So, ever since, I haven't drunk coffee, soda, and green tea. Fortunately, I am not addicted to any of those. So it was relatively easy to stop drinking them. After that, I have been feeling stable. So I do not plan to consume caffeine anymore (or as long as I am in this medication). PS: I took a blood exam. The only thing that was high was something called Creatine kinase. My doctor and I haven't figured out why that happened. Maybe it is because of the medication I am taking. I really hope it is not. I am adapting very well to this medication, and I would not want to change it. Thanks for reading! And feel free to comment

I hope the LSD hasn't worn off yet

What is that suppose to mean? I find your comment very condescending, as if you were in a "higher" stage. And, well, it hasn't passed... I think there's a misconception that we need to "dissolve our ego and immerse into the 'Universal Consciousness'". Nature is not stupid. The ego exists for a reason. It is like a horse. We should all have a strong and healthy ego, but a tamed one. Don't you agree?

Thank you Yeah... I wouldn't imagine I'd make so much progress in one year. Seeking professional help was the best thing I could have done to make myself be happy again. The thought of "I can do it all by myself" is very dangerous and ends up being ineffective. How I Was 1 Year Ago One year ago, I was living a very uncomfortable, sad, and empty life. I'd wake up at 5 PM. Binge eat. Then, I'd stay in my room, lie on my bed and use my notebook to watch random videos on Youtube all night long. You can read that in more detail on my first journal: In a nutshell, I was feeling very hopeless and miserable. I had physical pain/discomfort all over my body. Social anxiety was up on the roof. And depression was also present. Then, in November of 2018, I decided to schedule a psychiatrist session, and even though I wasn't fond of taking medication, I decided to try it out. First Psychiatrist - Overly Logical and Not Empathetic Well, as Leo usually says, we have to start somewhere... I'd rate this psychiatrist 5/10. Since he's into arts, I'd thought he would be open-minded and compassionate. Not at all. He was OK as far prescribing medication goes, but he was just very blunt and overly logical. I started out with the antidepressant (Venlafaxine). When I was using it by itself, I remember I'd feel very euphoric one day, then the other one I'd feel depressed again. But it was manageable. Since my mood was still low most of the time, the psychiatrist decided to add another one called Wellbutrin (bupropion). This combination, alongside with the psychoactive drug I was using called rapé, triggered a hypomaniac episode. Oh, and btw, some of his advice (such as"YOU HAVE TO WEIGHTLIFT!!") contributed for that to happen. Next Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist As of June of this year, I have changed my psychiatrist and I started going to a very good psychologist. It's mind-blowing the difference between a mediocre psychotherapist and a good one. Seriously... it's like watching a 144p video and a 1080p one. I'm not sure if this was a good comparassion, lol. To be honest, I don't really feel a strong connection with my psychiatrist, but he's competent. I am currently using quetiapine (an atypical anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties) + Wellbutrin (this one is to give energy, and I believe we have found the correct dosage). The only thing that concerns me is that all of this is expensive. Currently, my dad pays for it. However, I don't know if he'll be able to do so next year. I am trying to not overthink about this, and just focus on my day-to-day progress. But anyway, the most important thing is: taking the first step was crucial. Yeah, the first psychiatrist was certainly not the best one. However, if I hadn't sought some sort of help at that time, I'd be probably still feeling shitty most of the time. And the fact that I have recently, for example, started to go out with some people I met on Tinder is pretty unimaginable considering how worse off I was a year ago.

OLD POST THAT WAS SAVED HERE August 28th (Wednesday), 7:00 PM I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.

I went to a bad depressive phase that lasted for about 3-4 months. All I wanted was to stay in bed, eat, browse the internet, and sleep. I didn’t want to see my friends, nor interact with others. I have had social anxiety since I was 11. During that phase, I was fearful of others seeing that I wasn’t happy. I also gained weight during that period because I was binge eating a lot. The only thing that made me get out of my house was going to soccer games. For some reason, I’d feel alive when I was there. Totally grounded in the present moment. It was like a defibrillator. But my “aliveness” would only last for maximum 3 days. I already went to a psychitriast in the past. Long story short, I didn't adapt at all to the medication. Then one day, I simply quit. And I started to go to ayahuasca ceremonies as an attempt to heal myself. In the beginning, I felt great. But eventually I had a maniac and psychotic crisis during a ritual. Now, I don't take ayahuasca anymore. Nowadays, the only indigenous medicine I use is rapé. It’s made out of tobacco and tree barks. It’s really effective for anxiety. It grounds me. Even though it's psychoactive, I think it's safe. Thanks to a great friend of mine, I started to go to a psychiatrist. I have started to take medication (antidepressant) three months ago. And I feel much better. In the beginning of the treatment, I wasn’t able to be authentic with the psychiatrist, because I thought he would judge me. But now, I feel comfortable sharing how I am truly feeling. With medication, I feel well most of the time. That being said, I still have some emotional relapses. I have experienced two main side effects: the first one was anorgasmia (not being able to achieve orgasm and ejaculation). Fortunately, this only happened in the first month of the medication. The other one is bruxism (grinding my teeth). This makes my jaw tired and can cause problems in the future (e.g., headaches). I think I already had that in the past, but with the medication it has intensified. I went to a dentist and I am now using a mouth guard when I am sleeping to alleviate the problems caused by the grinding. Unfortunately, this also happens during the day... I started today an extra medication today (also antidepressant) so that I don’t have relapses anymore. Using only one medication, I feel well for like 6 days, then 1 day I feel shitty. I also have to stay alert to see if I go to the polar opposite and start to feel euphoric. If that happens, it probably means I have bipolar type 2. So I will probably have to use lithium... That said, I tend to put myself under a microscope: Anyway, I hope I adapt to this new medication. One side effect I have already started to feel is nausea. But my doctor said this will likely stop. During this year, I started to make some money. It’s a very rewarding feeling to do something I like and also get paid for it. Things I want to achieve: - Get back to teaching - Get in shape - Start doing psychotherapy - Fix my sleeping schedule In this journal, I will post: > how I am feeling > if I am progressing or not in life > venting and random thoughts I might also post quotes, videos, and songs. This will not be a predominantly doom and gloom journal. It might happen sometimes though. And I will also be careful to not overshare stuff. Feel free to post comments here and PM me, but please do not say things like “medication is evil, dude” Thanks for reading!

I think you should take a break from meditation.

Exactly... There's a quote I really like from Jack Kornfield "My family hates me when I am a Buddhist. But they love me when I am a Buddha."

Do you use drugs?

I think that if you have completely backslided just because you ate something outside of your usual "healthy" diet (that is, what your father cooked), that's a sign that your strategy for eating healthy is probably neurotic. From my experience, binge eating has a lot to do with repressing oneself. You tell yourself a lot of "no's" and you eat in a mechanical way. However, just like a pressure cooking, you sooner or later explode. For a very long time, I was vegan and only ate extremely healthy food, with virtually no oil, salt, or sugar. I was really neurotic. Little did I know, I had developed an eating disorder called orthorexia. I was also into yoga and Buddhism. After a year of this dietary perfectionism, I was very underweight and barely ate. All the repressing I did for almost a year came back full-force to the other end of the spectrum. Even though I was still a vegan, I was eating a LOT of carbs. Dealing with eating disorders is not easy. There is no easy solution. Most nutritionists suck, but there are some good ones.

Yes. Lots of beliefs we have today stem from childhood. And many of them are incorrectly. We as children concluded many things, but oftentimes inaccurately. After all, we were children. So it's really important take time to examine our beliefs. For example, if someone was told in childhood that "Rich people are evil"; this person might subconsciously self-sabotage when he or she is earning more money. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be really useful in this case so as to challenge those outdated limiting beliefs.