kag101

some background about myself i plan to do an intuitive, random, and intimate type of journal. i have nothing to lose from being open. obviously, i will use common sense. i think it'll be nice to know that people might be reading this and resonating with what i'm going through. just to give you some background: i'm a guy in my mid-twenties. i suffered from moderate depression and social anxiety disorder from 9-23. i finally found a good psychiatrist who prescribed me the correct medication. i've been stabilized since December of 2019. and i've also been going to a great therapist (she's expensive, but really worth it). i feel she really helps me get into the path of reconstructing my life. it's not just a superficial change. it's as if i'm going to my roots. it's the type of progress that nobody can take away from me. after many years, i'm finally in the "right" direction. i'm majoring in psychology, and i'm going to my 4th semester (out of 10). i'm bissexual (with a preference to men). i consider myself attractive. my hair is thinning, but fortunately it still not something that is really noticeable. tinder i've been using it for almost three years. even though it has a bad rep, if you are patience and able to filter the wheat from the chaff, it's worthy. Yes, 99% of people there suck, but i'm really glad i met those 1%. one problem that i used to have is that i only got matches with men. it was frustrating tbh. fortunately, i think they finally fixed that and now i'm getting matches with girls as well. since i started using it, i haven't had a date with girl yet. i'm looking forward to it. but i've been really selective nowadays. i won't go out with someone just to kiss or get laid. there has to be a connection. a hack to get automatically better at organization i used to struggle with that a lot. i had a powerful insight that was to simply focusing on (literally) aligning things and making them more aesthetically pleasant. just this simple change has been giving me awesome results. when i align things i immediately start to get into the right mindset. it sounds like it doesn't make a difference, but it has been life-changing for me. unconsciously, i used to resist to that due to the incorrect notion that wanting things to be aligned = ocd. want to get back into teaching portuguese i'm brazilian. i used to tutor portuguese for non-native speakers. i got fed up with it. but lately i've been wanting to get back to it. but now i will only accept intermediate and advanced students. i don't enjoy teaching beginners. it demands too much effort imo. i've applied on a site. i think i'll get a response in the next few days. i really hope it works out. i've been able to make a habit of working on creating activities everyday. in fact, i'll do this right now lol. i think that's enough for today. bye =)

I really liked that sentence

If you are prone to compulsive eating, how would fasting help you? I think it'll only intensify the problem. People tend to overeat after they fast. It's a biological response.

Just look at how humans have selectively bred apex predator wolves into chihuahuas, pugs and sausage dogs over only 30,000 years. If you can go from wolf to sausage dog in 30,000 years you can go from giraffe with short neck to giraffe with long neck in 50 million years. You are underestimating just how much time a billion years is. A turtle doesn't just spontaneously generate a shell. It happens very gradually. Maybe you had a population of something that looked like a lizard, then the members of the population with the hardest skin survive more. Once you have a population with hard skin, eventually one of them has a mutation that very slightly infuses the bone and the hardened skin, giving it even greater defense. And then over time the members with greater degrees of this bone/skin infusion survive longer, and eventually you have a shell. The reason I think these things seem unrealistic to you is that it's so difficult to process these timescales. It's also difficult to process just how much life there is on earth at any given time, all of which is evolving and mutating. In a relative sense, from your POV, the universe is very very mechanical and operates pretty much like clockwork. From an absolute perspective reality is mystical and intelligently designed. It is possible for both of these things to be true at the same time. God could conceive of a reality that is mechanical like clockwork That makes sense. I didn't quite understand the nuance that evolution doesn't happen overnight. But instead, it's usually small changes that happen over a veeeery long period of time. And, yes, we humans have a very hard time grasping how much a billion year actually is. Anyway, you explained all of that well and clearly! Thanks

why have you stopped playing video games? i've had friends like these. it's really tiresome. in my case, the thing that would push me to do was weed. i'd hang out with them at their house, and every time they'd smoke. and they had a stupid unwritten law that if one person stopped smoking, everybody else also would. and they'd take copious amounts. this friendship really pinpointed a flaw that i had, which was an intense difficulty with setting boundaries.

because if the only thing you have in your life is your morning routine, then it's natural that your energy falls after you're done with it hobbies can also help

do you work or study?

have you considered the possibility that the only thing that would happen is that you'd cease to exist? that you'd be the same that you were before you were born? no fancy spiritual experience of either God embracing you in his Infinite Bliss, nor getting stuck in a spiral of hell. just complete and utter nothingness.

YES, you did! you were being yourself with her. that's 1000x more attractive that entering a fake alpha-male mode and be completely artificial. i'm really glad you did that. you have to respect your natural desires. it probably hasn't. my only suggestion is to not try anything sexual with her again.

be more selective of what you make notes "is this super meaningful to me?" > if not, then let it go

masturbation is only a problem if done excessively. the claims the NoFap community makes are ludicrous

i always use this type of ear plug when i'm sleeping. i've been doing that for 3-4 years, and ive never had a problem. during the day, however, i think it's best to have a noise cancellation headphone. and then listen to some ambient music.

hobbies are great as long as you're actually enjoying the process. for instance, i play chess. at some point, i got so neurotic about increasing my rating that i stopped enjoying it. so i took break and then restarted with a softer approach to it. as it was shown on the netflix documentary: The Creative Brain, creative people usually have hobbies in many different areas. if all your intellectual effort is focused on just one area, it will become very limited.

what's truly important is not who's initiating the conversation -- but the quality of the interaction. is he/she giving me evidence that he's truly enjoying talking with me? or is he just replying out of politeness?

fear of losing my intuitive eating "superpower" my eating has improved greatly. i finally feel like i'm at peace with food. i'm much more attuned to my inner cues. that said, yesterday i made an apple pie. tbh, it didn't really taste that good. but for some reason, i couldn't stop eating it. i put some Oreo in it. it was weird to feel bloated after about 4 months. because i have been at peace with food for a relatively short period of time, this overeating kinda felt like a yellow sign. i fear losing control. at the same time, i feel like if i keep doing the time-out exercise, i'm probably fine. i am against the diet mentality. at the same time, i don't want to have an eating style that makes me feel uncomfortably full. so i decided to throw the pie away. it wasn't like: "oohh... it's a forbidden food". no. it's just something that i was eating that i didnt really like it. it's like going out with someone that doesn't make me feel good, but for some reason i keep insisting. it has a twisted pleasure, but it's no fulfilling. quite the opposite, it makes me feel sick afterwards. one very important factor in intuitive eating is to avoid eating in auto-pilot. i'll see how things go in the next days.

How long have you been having sessions with her? this sounds way too neurotic. do you do LSD by yourself? there are other routes to getting in touch with your emotions. do you have a good emotional bond with anyone?

I thought about that as well. @EugeneTheSage I think you might be overthinking this. Do you get exposed to loud sounds?

Casual dating is the way to go imo. Best of both worlds. Not for everyone though. https://www.healthline.com/health/casual-dating

since you're into radical honesty: 1) you're aren't getting your love and belonginess needs met. 2) you don't know how to be assertive and set boundaries. 3) you have used an extreme form of people-pleasing as a way to shield yourself from the world, but in the process you feel like you lost your soul and that your true self isn't being seen nor heard.

Be careful not to become what you preach against. How about you? What type of results are you getting?

you just answered your question. what meditation techniques do you use?

Is there anybody who you have a good emotional bond with?

first of all, i'm in my mid twenties, so i'm not old. my body is either overly sensitive or i have some sort of OCD regarding physical pain. maybe both lol i find it incredible how almost any activity that i start doing more regularly, BOOM. some sort of physical discomfort kicks in. it's really tiresome. i tried in the past to use a "macho" approach to that, so i'd simply try to ignore the pain signals. didn't work at all. activities that i feel some discomfort: driving → ankle. because i have to lift it relatively high, it gets sorta painful after a while piano → pinkie finger gets tired soon writing→ my index finger starts to feel weird mouse → either my wrist or my elbow (probably because of the height of the table) cellphone → my tendinitus kicks in especially in my forearm. (when i hold the phone in the most ergonomically correct way) playing soccer → my feet, especially if i'm shooting the ball too much. my knees, if i start running a bit. speaking → my throat gets really dry. then, it starts to get painful to talk watching lectures → i always have to sit in the middle of the class. otherwise my neck starts hurting. my biggest fear is that it becomes something chronic. so after any sign of discomfort, i usually get hyperaware of it and i stop the activity. my strategy nowadays is this: 1) self-negotiate. for example, regarding soccer i bought a lighter ball. regarding my phone, i'm thinking of selling my big-ass iPhone and buy an iPhone Mini. 2) do longer experiments with things that i think that causes me pain. for example, the thing about my pinkie finger while playing the piano. instead of stop playing as soon as i feel the slightest discomfort, i set a longer period of time for doing the activity. this helps to differentiate true pain vs psychological pain. because then i don't jump into conclusions after just a small evidence. 3) i do not try to correct my "technique" --> focus on natural form when i get overly focused on having a perfect form, it ends up backfiring. example: a few years ago, i was doing a bunch of vocal exercises to stop my throat pain. result? my voice got extremely breathy, which made matters worse. i started to lose my voice really quickly. 4) do more fun things when my day is full of fun activities, then i usually don't think about the pain. but when i have too much free time or if i'm stressed, then the pain gets amplified. i don't lack any vitamins. i considered going to a rheumatologist to see if it helps somehow. anyway, i feel like i've improved with dealing with this by 40%, which is good. but i was curious to see if anybody has gone through a similar thing. i'm more interested in psychological strategies than health tips (such as going to acupuncture). but anyway, feel free to say whatever is on your mind. thanks

I agree! Emotional bonding with others is not a luxury, it is a necessity.

don't like the title of this journal maybe just Emotional Intelligence Training or something would be better. i like to reframe challenging situations in my life as an emotionally intelligence game. this way, i stop getting overly identified with the problem and i see it more in a neutral-playful way. playing too much chess! i have to diversify my hobbies a bit. i was trying to play checkers online, but almost nobody plays it other things that i thought of doing: - download & play crash bandicoot 3 warped - play (and record) the piano more - express myself artistically (maybe painting) - find a book to read (i will start the book "Speak". it sounds interesting and not too difficult to read) - make 10 minute session of organizing (deliberately short so that i actually do it) - stretching & gentle yoga so things like that. two things that i used to care that now i choose to alienate myself from: politics & soccer. both of which were just pissing me off. reflecting about my experience in this forum it's crazy to think that i use this forum for over 6 years. i went through a big transformation. back in 2016-17, i was in a state of deep confusion, as if i was lost in a dark forest. i thought psychedelics & spirituality were the answer to my problems. nothing could be farther from the truth. >> the freaking power of premium psychotherapy + premium psychiatric sessions is unbelievable << it's really expensive, but it's the best investment i could ever do in my life. i finally feel healthy once again. i feel like my true me again. just working my way up the hierarchy of needs. it's really easy to forget about the foundation and try to reach the top. but without a solid base, everything's gonna fall apart college's been good i've been able to make some friends in my class, which is really important. because if i were to go to the classes just because of the classes per se, then it'd be depressing. in a way, it's good that it took me more years to get into college. i'm 25, and i'm in my second year. i feel much more prepared to go through the college experience. i'm doing it because I want it. not because society tells me so. and also, because my mental health is being taken care of, i can experience the challenges as for what they actually are, and not get amplified by 100x because of depression. there are some other older students in my class but i don't feel like them tbh. i relate much more to the ones that are in their early 20's. but i do like to diversify the groups that i interact with. regarding social groups, i'm polygamic lol. i hope the hybrid modality continues! there's been protests against this. my college basically wants that about half of the course will be through online real-time classes. to me, that's great. i feel no desire to go to the college every single day. i feel like by going there fewer times, when i actually go, the experience is heightened. i hope this doesn't change, because it's been comfortable for me.