kag101

Focusing on the basics? I’m thinking of focusing harder on the basics. Problem is, I can get quite neurotic in the process — stripping away all my spontaneity. I just wanted to think in a simple way. Don’t overcomplicate things. Just focusing on doing things in a simple way. I’ve started this new therapy and I was contemplating about one thing I can focus on is to build good habits, work on my foundations. And let me tell you they’re pretty shaky right now. I tried to ignore that sort of thing, and do things my way. And the result did not look good. I’m thinking of whether I’m going to talk with my doctor to try to convince him to prescribe me some medication. But I think it would be better if I just try to trust this therapy that I’m doing. It’s so hard to be positive about myself. I honestly don’t like where I’m heading. I’m eating way too much. I feel like my testosterone has gone way down. Like, OK, I don’t need that much but I certainly need some. Anyway, I have to remind myself of a bigger picture. Like, this moment in my life is not pleasant but now I have strategies and resources to pull myself out of this quagmire that I’m in right now.

just want to write random stuff here, without the need of having to make sense, prove a point, etc. just let things flow and see where it leads me. today i had a deep insight about my difficulties with socializing. thing is, as soon as things get "informal", i freeze. it's as if i'm trying to drive a car with the hand-brake up. today i was at college and i was hanging out with some friends at a bar. i was tensed, in overthinking mode, and feeling as if i was the most boring person in the world (which became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way). i felt as if i was in 6th grade again, where i felt that i, as an individual, was faulty, as if i was lacking something in my core. i found myself really wanting to have a drink. but as soon i noticed that, i paused a bit. i mean, it's okay to drink. but it can't be my only doorway to entering social mode. i don't need that. i know that i can be myself (more introverted), interact with others, and actually add to the conversation. when i was heading home, i was about to send a message to my therapist reflecting about this topic. but instead, i started to ponder about that just in my thoughts. and it really cleared my mind. it's interesting to revisit those old fears but with a more matured view of the world. when i was a teenager, everything felt so overwhelming. my emotional intelligence was low. i was neurotically trying to overcome my psychological problems -- which always backfired. anyway, what i got from today: • take off this huge weight i put on your shoulders that i have to have extremely high social skills • it's okay if you take longer to get intimate with someone • when in a group, focus on making short comments about what they are saying. people love to talk. but the thing is, i also have to give my 2 cents, or else it'll become boring. so, yeah... i feel like this strategy of "just giving my two cent here and there" is going to work. this is something doable. i have done it before, and it worked. i definitively don't want to feel like today on a regular basis. i know i can do this. i'm not a lost 12-year-old anymore. i have a good support network. i have had a good social performance in the past 3 years. so i'll see how it goes! ps: i might go to a college party on saturday. i still don't know, because it's kinda expensive, but i think it would be worthy...

I feel gloomy. All the vitality that I was experiencing before has now vanished. I’m left with my same old me. This old me can be pleasant for others, but I feel my energy stuck. Trying to emotionally bond with others i’ve been trying to focus on emotionally bonding with others and being more vulnerable especially with my family and close friends. Like, opening up about my mental health. But I think this may be all a façade. Some months ago I was using a mask of being hyper extroverted, and maybe now I’m using one of being hyper understanding, soft, and pleasant. But the truth is: I want to feel connected with others. I want to be my vulnerable self. I want to accept the fact that being alive is being vulnerable. And that no amount of hyperindependence will protect me from the inherit uncertainty of life, which is: things can fall apart, my parents can die unexpectedly, I can get a depressive episode that will last forever, I can have these wild mood swings over my entire life, people may not like me, I might not be able to be productive member of society, etc And I find that the best way to protect myself from all of that is to share that with others, to not go by myself all the time. I want to do this experiment this year: Spend less time with myself, which is a hard thing for me. Because being by myself is so secure. There’s no risk of being hurt by what the other person say. My mental health I went to my psychiatrist and he decided to not go back to the medication in this moment. He said that the best option right now is to try therapy and if that doesn’t work, then we can think about going back to the medication. I did a psychotherapy session of ACT. It was a free trial so I decided to give it a go. I don’t feel confident with the therapist. She seems amateur tbh. And I feel like I look like an easy case but I’m actually really complex. I wish I could do the therapy with my old therapist but she’s overly expensive. i’m thinking of giving it a go with this therapist, trying to do at least 12 sessions more or less and see how that goes. I have to be honest, though, I am not confident.

I enjoyed the experience of writing here again, even though I doubt many people will read it. But it’s cool to have an archive of what I am experiencing my life. Two personas I feel like I have two personas inside of me: one is really outgoing, child-like, chaotic, unpredictable, spontaneous, and fun yet irritating. The other one is the complete opposite: formal, never takes risks, never irritate anyone, overly serious. I think I have built this false self to protect myself from an environment that doesn’t allow self expression. But the thing is: both are unbalanced. The chaotic one is fun, but cringey and burns out quickly. The serious one is extremely sensitive and a great listener — but it’s boring and robotic. And this is where I’ve been over the last year. Alternating between those two. I really try hard to find an equilibrium, but I just can’t seem to pull it off. The most random trip This trip that I took was really random. I didn’t even know the people. I’m not even close to the person who invited me. At first, I was like a childlike version of myself. Speaking whatever the fuck I wanted, trying to have fun, drinking a bunch of whiskey, etc. But then… I woke up feeling groggy and sad. It’s as if I’m using alcohol to self medicate. And then, I switched to my robotic self: I wasn’t saying anything out of my comfort zone but deep down I was just a bore to be around. going back to meds I really don’t know what to do. I’ve talked with my psychiatrist to go back to the medication that I was having, but he told me it’s better to hold off for a while. Honestly, I don’t understand that. I just wanna feel good, you know? Who cares if I get depended on a medication? I certainly don’t. While I was in this depressive state — which was a real contrast to the high energy and spontaneous one that I was before — I began to contemplate about the types of medication that will come up in a few years, which will be able to regulate the neurotransmitters in a magical way, similar to Soma, the drug in the book Brave New World. back to therapy? I’m really unsure about going back to therapy. To be honest, all I wanted is to take the meds and feel good. But I feel stuck to be honest. I feel like I’m saturated with psychotherapy and psychiatric sessions. Sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit. Especially antidepressants.

I’ve been becoming dependent on alcohol to socialize when I hang out. I have just graduated from college and I don’t feel secure. I don’t feel confident in my capabilities of becoming a psychologist. I’ve been having these ups and downs over the past two years. Before I was much more stabilized. But now… I’ve been sketchy. Sometimes I think about going back to therapy, even though I grew bored of it and it’s really expensive. But I don’t know, I feel like I need to do something. I am in a very sensitive period in my life and I feel like I shouldn’t go through this by myself. I have a deep seated lack of confidence in the human being. This stems from my childhood when my parents divorced in an abrupt traumatic way. This made me think that i can’t trust my environment and the trajectory of my life. In summary, it made be believe that sooner or later, everything will collapse. How did I came back to this journal? I’m in trip with some friends and social anxiety creeped in. It’s been tough. But I remembered that there was this inside that I had on this journal about a situation that I experienced some years ago. And the insight was: when in groups, focus on making small comments. I’ll try that! Apart from that, I think I will try to write more here. Share my journey. Thank you guys

i used to be fragile, then i tried doing a bunch of random macho stuff. it didn't heal me; actually, engaging in these type of activities just added to the problem. neither did doing the opposite -- forcing myself to do overly-stereotypical feminine stuff -- do any good. it might be interesting to explore some of these things, but being neurotic about it won't help in the long run.

sometimes I get the blues, like a relapse, thinking that everything will go wrong and that I'll be a failure. overcoming a trauma is about understanding that these ghosts come back from time to time, but they no longer define my life as a whole. it's essential to be prepared for these moments, knowing that they will come. after all, expecting everything to be perfect is a recipe for frustration. "oh, how come I'm having these thoughts again? I can't believe it! I really am a fraud." maybe I am. maybe everything I do nowadays is just a temporary fix. perhaps my future is one of incapacity and weakness. but maybe it can be different. maybe I can put things into perspective, be kinder to myself, and trust in myself a bit more. but, I feel like time is running out too fast. I feel like my time is running out. however, I'm grateful for where I am today. I've been in a terrible place, a really terrible place, and it was frightening. and today, I'm happy. yes, I have my issues and insecurities. "you haven't achieved anything yet! you're still just playing at life. you're a joke, and no one would take your life seriously." well, maybe they wouldn't. it seems pretty easy, but who said it has to be hard? I think it's all about putting things into perspective, where I was and where I am now. I love you. you're a really great guy. it wasn't easy to go through what you went through, but now you're safe! isn't that wonderful? safe, finally! I know that sometimes the trauma comes back, but there are people here to help you. you're getting through this. trust the process! it's showing results! from 2019 to 2020, there was a significant improvement, because I was so far behind before. since then, the improvements have been more gradual, but that's okay. I know there's still a long way to go, and things aren't the way you want them yet, but you have the resources to get better, and you know how to use them.

view it as experiment. in my case, it was really beneficial. i was afraid of the side effects, but fortunately i didnt get any of them. it really helped me have an extra boost of energy to lift myself out of depression. it also helped me when i had a psychotic break (which i thought was enlightenment lol).

one day this will all be memories. nothing, but memories. every person, every worry, every smile. in fact, most of it will not even be memories -- but simply a void. it is a privilege for an event to become a memory.

Let's talk about something that's often misunderstood – hypersensitivity. I’m tired of people labeling as "natural" or even worse: a “gift”. Let me tell you, it's far from it. Background Being sensitive is natural and valuable. However, hypersensitivity is like living in a world with the volume turned up too high. Lately, I've been feeling emotional hypersensitivity. It's as if everything impacts me way too deeply. Simple things that other might not even notice can affect me. When I’m in a crisis, I feel vulnerable and fragile. Thoughts of envy comes to mind. “Why can’t I be like everybody else?! Why do I need to feel everything so deeply?” I've traced the roots of my hypersensitivity back to a messy divorce my parents went through during my childhood. I got the habit of becoming hypervigilant to check if everything was okay. That period was like an atomic bomb, and the residual radioactive effects still linger in my psyche years later… Strategies What Does NOT work • Going brute force: “Screw this! Nothing’s gonna affect me anymore! I’ll be a fcking stoic!” That is an artificial and unsustainable solution. • Pretending that it’s not a problem: “Oh… everything is fine. It’s just who I am and it's the world that is problematic and it should change, not me”. That's like wishing the world had zero things on the floor that can hurt my feet. Let's get real: should I really wait for the world to fix itself, or should I just grab some goddamned slippers? What HAS worked • Going to an excellent psychologist, and it's provided some relief. I do have some “relapses”, but they are getting more infrequent and easier to deal with. • Having the awareness of this problem is half of the solution to it. Because at least I know what I'm dealing with. • Celebrating progress. Even though I'm not where I want to be, I've moved from a hypersensitivity level of 9 to a 5 over the past three years. Conclusion The ideal is to find the sweet spot of honoring and protecting my natural sensibility; and yet gently pushing myself to gradually desensitize at times. In essence, I want to live a life where I can engage with the world without feeling completely overwhelmed. I want to have the resources to tackle the challenges that will arise in my life, without having the need to hide myself from the world. What are your experiences with this? What has helped you? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Is your body tired?

I haven't posted here for almost a year. I thought of opening a new journal, but I don't think it's needed. I have to be honest: i’ve been feeling kind of lazy to write journal entries. So what I’m gonna do is focus on writing shorter ones. I don’t know… problem is, as soon as I finish writing, I don’t think it’s worth it. And I’ve done this mistake in the past of not being concise or posting cringey shit,. But fuck it… Let’s go to some random thoughts: • I used to fear artificial intelligence. Well, it will rob the job of many people. But in my case, I think the most important thing to do is to not fear it — but to embrace it, to work WITH it. • i’ve been seriously considering going to a rheumatologist. I have some persistent pains in my body, and I think going to professional (at least once) would be a smart move to find a solution to that. I think it’s worth the investment. • I’ve improved in organizing my room, which was something that I was not doing well last year. I’d say it’s improved from a 3/10 to a 5.5/10. In other words, it’s pretty decent. Problem is. I’m not very good at maintaining it organized. as soon as I finish organizing, but kinda falls back into its homeostasis. But what the hell, progress is progress. I think that’s enough for today.

whenever things don't go as i expect, i start coming up with worst case scenarios in my head. so i want to write about my current "pet worry". there's always a certain situation in my mind that goes: "Now, THIS, is going to fuc* me up". as if the thing that's gonna mess me up completely has finally arrived. as soon as i overcome the problem, my mind treats it as if nothing ever happened, and start searching for the my new favorite worry. ? the goal of this journal is to write things that i'm currently spending my mental energy on. later on, i want to read this journal and go: "oooh... i didn't even remember that i was worried about that. what a dumb worry." or maybe my catastrophizing will happen and i can confirm that sooner or later, life is going to kick my ass. i'll also probably write things that are going my way.

I know we’re already halfway through January, but I still think it’s worth it one thing I have done in the past few years is to always set an intention for the year. I got that from Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield. It becomes sort of like my compass. It is not a goal per se. It can be an affirmation, or even just a single word. Some ideas: - Be kinder to myself - Self-negotiate - Bond with others - Contemplate the meaning of my life - Emotional intelligence - Think less, act more - Expose myself to new experiences - Focus on yourself, and the rest will follow - Decide quicker - allow myself to do things imperfectly After I choose one I set a timer for 5 minutes and I repeat the intention over and over mindfully. It’s been giving me very good results. It’s almost magical tbh. Btw, It’s important to not overanalyze your choice, nor keep changing it all the time anyway, here’s mine and an explanation: 2023: worry as least as possible im a chronic over-worrier lol. Anything that’s out of the ordinary, I start panicking and coming up with all sorts of worst case scenarios. It’s an inability to allow things to figure out by themselves. It can be related to the collective (e.g., politics, climate change, etc) or individual (e.g., I’ll never get a good job, sooner or later I’ll go downhill, etc) I think this stems from my parents divorce in which my world fell apart. Suddenly I had no stability. So I came up with a bunch of low-quality defense mechanisms to deal with the chaos anyway, this year I want to focus specifically on that, so that when I start worrying too much about something, I go, “oh yea, this year I will experiment with worrying less, so let me give this a try” at the end of the year, I’ll remind everybody that replied to this (if any lol) to share their results doing it on your own also works, but it’s more fun to share it

if you teach in schools, it’ll always boil down to really beginner stuff. it seems that your passion is to teach the nuances of chess, and not how the knights move. have you ever given private classes? Maybe this way you’d be able to get more motivated and higher rated students

interesting testimonial are you feeling good 24/7? or do you still have moments that you feel sad and/or not performing at your highest ability?

Certain types of porn are harmless — if consumed moderately — by healthy individuals.

How long have you been feeling well?

I've tried this sort of strategy in the past, and it only left me feeling exhausted, inauthentic, and empty afterwards. What has worked for me is to embrace my introvertedness. That doesn't mean I only stay in my shell. Whenever I tried to be "extroverted", I'd either try too hard and end up being cringey, or I would freeze completely. So what I've been doing is: • Letting go of all should statements ("I should be talkative, funny, extroverted, etc"). • Stop forcing myself too much • Focusing on making small inputs that I truly want. This way, I get a sense that I'm contributing to the conversation (and therefore get a sense of belongingness) + because I don't speak that much, when I do, people truly pay attention. I doubt there's a hidden hack which will make you feel drunk without the side effects. Some questions regarding drinking: 1) Do you exaggerate? 2) Is it causing you any substantial harm?

Books and information are not enough to treat all those conditions. What has truly helped me is getting treatment with a high-quality psychotherapist and psychiatrist. Unfortunately, they’re not only expensive, but hard to find. But it is, hands-down, the most important investment I have ever made in my life.

Background i'm an undergraduate psychology student. it consists of 10 semesters. i'm in the 4th. i really like psychology. most of my learning comes from self-study though. in the past semesters, my classes were hybrid. it was great. this semester, however, is 100% in-person. ? my introverted ass is getting suffocated by that. it's just too much for me. i'm starting to get aversion to going there. unfortunately, where i live, the psychology major is only offered 100% in-person. My strategy to dealing with that it seems as though my college is not very strict with attendance, at least according to the last semesters. i'm not totally sure about how it's going to be now. it might depend on the professor, idk anyway, what i'm thinking is to miss 1-2 days a week, or whenever i need a break. obviously, i need to be careful with that. but i feel the risk is not very high. my classmates are worse than myself. some of them barely go to the classes. so either more than half of the class will fail the semester, or the college doesn't really care about that. i'm almost half-way to getting my diploma. i'm fairly certain that after i'm done with that, i will have more flexibility on doing things my way. i'm pretty sure there are hybrid post-graduation programs, etc. obs: please no moralizing ("What kind of psychologist you want to be by missing classes??") or cheap motivation stuff ("You should take the hardest path!!!!")

detox don't interact with her ever (not even to say happy birthday), unfollow her on social media. remove (or at least hide) anything that reminds you of her. you have to do that at least for 3 months. the most important step is to stop feeding your mind with thoughts of her. accept that it is over. i know, this is easier said than done. simply put: if you keep seeing her instagram picture, then no advice nor fancy self-help technique will do you any good.

one thing i can say for sure is, this mentality of having a perfect diet go hand-in-hand with craving copious amounts of "junk" food. will power is not the answer to all life's problems i highly recommend the book Intuitive Eating, i finally feel at peace with food.

- fearful - lack of resilience - socially inexperienced (sometimes) - inferiority complex - micromanager - too individualistic - overthinker

when i notice signs that the person is intolerant or extremist, then i dont waste my time talking about politcs. and if the subject comes up, i gently change the subject asap. i think it's better to focus on what the other person and I have in common. apart from politics, do you have meaningful interactions with them?