ivankiss

How do I forgive myself for not laughing out loud when I smiled inside? How do I forgive myself for suppressing my joy because of someone else's pain? I know the answers, deep inside...Questions still arise. @DrewNows lots of space for pain to come to be. I'd try to escape; but not certain enough

@DrewNows full spectrum you say...? Up and down the ladder I go Feels good when I let it out. But then I don't feel enlightened Not balanced and unable to embody certainty. Cannot accomplish shit. Hilarity seems to be curative. Pain is still real. And deep. Deeper than the breath; it seems. Appreciate it bro

@DrewNows Gently, in love Cannot find a reason to forgive. But I need to heal.

Zero. Nada. Niente. Closest to a friend is my girlfriend. But that's not the same. We've been living in a third world country for the past year or so. Making new friends here is nearly impossible. The gap is too big. Before we moved from Europe, we spent a year in hardcore isolation, barely socializing at all. And even when we did, it was with her friends. All we were about was personal development/spiritual expansion. We were mainly focused on establishing a steady source of income online. As well as healing the wounds of past. Purifying. All with the power of our unconditional love. Was not a walk in a park. But we're both warriors. Strong and dedicated. Can't say the work did not pay off. But there is a hole. A missing link. I was always a lone wulf. Was used to being alone all the time since I was a child. Music being my only true friend that never turned it's back on me. I gave my everything. Sacrificed a lot. No regret. No second guessing. I'd choose the same path all over again. But I can't help myself but feel a longing for deep, honest, pure and strong friendships. As a teenager, I was in several bands. Playing shows and hanging with some really cool, older peeps. It was awesome. But all of it was temporary. A passage. All "friends" slowly but surely disappeared from my experience. I was always called to move forward, while others remained in their comfort zones. Nothing changed. To this day I am a wanderer. A passenger of life. And I don't see that changing anytime soon. I love it. I cannot imagine being tied down to one location only. One guy remained out of a thousand passing by. A childhood buddy. He's living in the country I was born in. I always looked at him as a brother. A soul mate of some sort. Our connection was strong. We would hang 24/7 whenever I visited my hometown, which was not very often. Online communication was always brief. We knew it would be much jucier live. And it always was. It was just on a obviously deeper level. Resonance was high. Synchronicity. Telepathy. Laughter. Tears. Love. Support. Spirituality. Intellect. All of it. I had no thoughts about us not being best friends till the end of our journeys. But turns out; I was over-romanticizing the whole thing. Big times. It's a bad habit. All out of neediness and desperation. I blew the whole story up. Got attached to the idea of my soul buddy too much. It had to pop sooner or later. The incompatibility is now obvious. We chose two totally different paths. No more resonance. More like dissonance and triggering. And he seems to be not willing to communicate about the topic. I have no reason to force anything. I consciously decided to fully let go of him today, as gay as it may sound. No more best buddy waiting just for me, somewhere, on the other side of the globe. No more delusion. No more friends. It hurts though. I really praised him in my mind all the time. Spoke of him highly. Thought of him divinely. All because I never really had a friend by my side, at all. I know this is a phase. I'll do my business in this country and move on. That was the plan all along. I'll meet new people. I'll bond. I am open, outgoing and easy to interact with. It just seems so far away at this moment. This forum is my only friend now. It always listens patiently.

@tedens What I write down is not what you read. @abrakamowse Pretty much, yup. Bless ya!

OH. MY. GOD. OK...uhm...I am going to start this by making it clear that there is absolutely no possible way for me to describe exactly what the hell happened last night. I can only dance around it like a lunatic. It's probably going to be sloppy and not very well articulated, as I have not integrated the experience fully... Or at all. Not even sure if I can call it "an experience"... I'm still kinda shocked from what went down. However; I want to get it out while it's still fresh and raw. Will let it marinate. The idea is to let go and see if anything valuable comes out of this post-documentation, on it's own. Be not mistaken; I am going to write about this from a rather limited perspective and level of understanding. Although there was no "me" involved, really. It all happened to awareness, by awareness, within awareness. So here goes nothing... Some background: Had a strong intention of breaking the pattern and living intuitively these days. Acting on intuition strictly instead upon thoughts. Ignoring them. Turning the cheek on them. Emphasizing synchronized being and surrender. Have no job. No responsibilities. Live alone, far away from anyone I know. Parted ways with my gf. So basically have all the time in the world. Absolute freedom to experiment and do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Reached whole new levels of mindfulness and mindstillness. The breath deepened, blasted through. Senses sharpened. Linearity started fading. Perception was getting increasingly higher in definition. I was centered. Calm. Blissfully fulfilled. On the flip side; Went through a few ego backlashes, conceptual deaths, minor panic attacks and everything that comes with the package. Felt like I was dancing with physical death often. Insanity was right next door. Had difficulties with staying grounded. The body started adjusting itself in weird ways. Troubles with maintaining breathing pattern. Occasionally lost in thoughts and emotions. Overall; was embracing the process of transformation - looking forward to that next big shift. And boy was it big and intense. Completely caught me off guard. There is just no possible way to ever be "ready" for this. Impossible. It's always 100% real and in your face. Can turn no cheek on death when it comes for ya. It's horrifying. But... Turns out; death is not even the biggest fear, really. There is something else. Hyper-awareness: Cannot find a more suitable word. This one seems to sit well. I can only describe it as becoming "way too aware" of every tiny little detail in reality. Of its totality. Simultaneously. Continuously. So much so it starts to freeze. Crystalize. Time starts slowing down; stopping. Literally. Actually. It's crazy! Every configuration of reality; every split second is like a snapshot. And you are not the experiencer of it. Nor the observer. You are freaking it! You are each and every one of those frozen, static snapshots. Nothing in-between. Think stroboscope! The five human senses completely dissolve. Collapse. No lag in perception whatsoever. Not a corner blured in visual field. Crystal clarity. Language starts sounding like garbage. Nonsense. All sounds merge into a giant sonic field. All undefined. Sensations turn alien. Otherworldly and super sterile. Oh man... I can already see how I'm chasing my own tail. There just is no way for me to give this any justice. It's just way beyond my comprehension. It's like swimming within myself. Moving within stillnes. Absolutely crazy. Each thought is a reality on it's own! As perfect and complete as it can be. A static snapshot! Each thought is THE TRUTH! That's the paradox! You're already in it. You are it. You're a thought experiencing itself. Right now, right here. "Reality" only seems solid and "real" because your mind can't catch up with it. It's happening waaay too fast; to put it that way. Yet it's static. You're only jumping from one complete configuration of reality to another. Shifting continuously. As if you were running from yourself. And you do this only because you fear crystalization. You don't fear death. You fear being frozen in time. In no time. And not as you now might think. Not as a human being. As pure, crystalized awareness. Holy macaroni! I really do hope any of this makes sense to you. I could not overblow it even if I wanted to. I'm just trying my best here. This is not just about transcending the mind/body complex. It's so much more. Your true work only starts after letting death pass through. It does not end it. Not even nearly. Death is still within the game. This... This is not a game anymore. I have no idea what it is but it's unlike anything. And somehow I am it. But also not. "GOD" is not a good enough word for it. Nothing can give it justice. It is unthinkable. Unimaginable. Incomprehensible. Somehow I became aware of every possible configuration of reality "within my reach" last night. There was not a single move I could make without seeing it happen beforehand. It's hard to explain because there was no more experience of time. No before and no after. And I was not really seeing the configurations... More like sensing them. Being aware of them. It all happened within pure awareness. Was on extremely high alert. Shifted from taking everything for granted to taking nothing for granted, whatsoever. Paying attention close, unlike ever before. All naturally; through synchronicity and surrender. The Hologram; This is how reality is. I feel pretty confident to claim that the mind is responsible for it. Imagine standing still while simultaneously, rapidly spinning around yourself. That which is still, is nothing. It's the formless you. That which is spinning rapidly, is the infinite amount of configurations of reality. Of thoughts...Of you! Hah! It's all one; however you put it. But in order to reach an understanding of yourself, you must separate yourself from yourself. Create an illusion of duality. Which is exactly what's been going down all this time and now you know why. You cannot see the hologram, because you're immersed in it. You don't see the projector because you're too occupied with the projection. I cannot let you know how to step outside of it, but it can be done. Only you know the way. But you must face your biggest fears. They are the guardians of exits; to put it that way. Of course I'm only scratching the surface here. Will share more in depth insights once I integrate and do further investigations/explorations. The sweet sleep; Thank God there is a percentage of you that is unconscious of itself. Seriously. Be grateful for it. Being 100% aware of your totality is not a tea party. To a human being; it is beyond any imaginable horror. At least it scared the shit out of me. Managed to "lower" my frequency/level of awareness by masturbating for an hour and watching nonsense on my phone. The only two distractions I could (barely) come up with. It was just over the top. Back in the game. Feeling (mostly) human. Need a break.

Apparently; on certain vibratory levels you start experiencing yourself as a giant Anyone felt like this? Objects become huge, as well. Crystal clear perception. Zero lag. (no psychedelics) Been shifting up and down. Mostly consciously. Became aware of the process of imposing limitations for the purpose of creating a particular lense. A ground, a ceiling, a field. A conductor. Certain frequencies are still a bit too much for the body/mind complex. Literally feels like a massive reflector is shining through my eyes and my entire being; turning everything into pure, white light. Seemingly unable to embody those frequencies - as the sense of a body starts dissolving. No containers left. Only pure light. Pure frequency. Need to stretch vocabulary, too. Consciously grounding myself into the center after any vibratory increase or decrease. The heart. The sweet spot. Turbulence is often. Not exactly pleasant, but bearable. Developed a slight phobia towards crystallization and the echo. Fear of looking back. Working on dissolving it, slowly. An opposite perspective finds it all outstandingly awesome. Avoiding over - analysis and processing. Don't want to bug the mind too much. Body gets burned out fast, too. Trying my best to be as gentle as possible. Emphasis on inner child, safety and nourishment. Healing and empowerment. Honoring the experiencer. All seem to benefit me greatly, in terms of holding a certain vibratory level as well as shifting more smoothly. Like to switch on autopilot too, when conscious operation becomes overwhelming. So far so good. Completely new territory and new navigation systems. Somewhat scary, but fun and exciting, too. Thought I'd update ya regarding my little experiments. Much love.

In pure white there is no notion of light. There is no notion of anything, at all. Only stillness. Only silence. YOU are the first thought of God. YOU are God's will. All God wants to be is YOU. To experience itself through YOU. To LOVE through YOU. As YOU. As God in form. There is nothing sweeter in existence than being that which you already are. Right now, right here. Effortlessly. No matter where on the spectrum. No matter what you're facing. No matter what you are feeling... It's all fucking perfect! Just be YOU. Go through it all. See it all. Feel it all. Smell it, touch it, hear it, taste it. Your senses are God's biggest gift. Your Ego is God's gift. Your uniqueness. Your role. Don't turn numb. Be sharp! Immersed! Be fully committed to yourself and your experience. Right now! Always! For there is nothing more enlightening than being that which God designed through divine perfection. With unconditional Love. Infinite intelligence. Pure Light! Be a proud carrier of that Light. Shine it bravely wherever you go. Be the embodiment of that Love. Heaven is right where you are at. It is YOU. The ultimate miracle. God's will. Go for it now! You know what you are all about. You know what you are for. Make excuses no more. Point to your own forehead no more. Chase your own tail no more. Just go for it! You know the way. Question no more. Let's get this party started! From Oneness to Funness, baby! Be. Love. Play. Experience; God.

What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die. I see an increasing interest in death on this forum. You have no idea what the hell you're talkin' 'bout. No clue what you wish for. Death is not supposed to be chased down or forced. Death is to be noticed. Become aware of. Transcended. If done the wrong way, while the heart is not open enough, ego not integrated - there is no way back. You will not be God. You will be nothing. And you will not know about it. You'll probably reincarnate as an ant. Or a chimp. You will not ascend. Thinking you'll become God if you kill yourself is ridiculous. Delusional. Psychotic. There is a great difference between dissociation and detachment. Someone with dementia is not attached at all. Identifies with no thing. No self, whatsoever. Wouldn't call them enlightened tho, would you? If anyone told you they do not have a self - they lied to your face. Big time. Ego can be barely noticed. Integrated. But you cannot experience shit without it. Zero. Nothing. You wouldn't be able to function or make any distinctions, at all. Killing the conceptual self leads to actual, physical death. Which is beyond any horror you can possibly imagine. The conceptual is the actual. So stop feeding yourself horseshit - acting all suicidal, thinking it's cool. You are fucking with something you cannot comprehand. That which never lived cannot be killed. Can have a terrifying experience of death tho. And then reincarnate as a fish. Don't be stupid, idiot. Let it happen naturally, when time comes. Stop wishing for what you could not handle. Let alone survive and come back to tell all about it to your "enlightened" friends. Learn how to love unconditionally and be present every moment of your god given life. That's what real enlightenment is about. Ground yourself into your human form. Integrate. Don't use death and enlightenment as an excuse for your inability to love yourself. That's not masterful. That's cowardly. Far from grace. Thank me later for saving your life. Or don't, and go be a fish. If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere - do it somewhere far away from here. ( a perfect circle ❤ )

@abrakamowse he needs to peel it

@seeking_brilliance you can be enlightened tho. Just don't claim you have no self while talking and walking like a self, interacting with other selves And yes. There is a "level" of consciousness from which reincarnation can be understood and explained. What would others take away from it is another story. Not relevant now. The shift would be too much for my mind and body. Riding smaller waves atm.

Ego sleeps during sleep.

@Adilbek love ya man! Hope you're doing great!

A @Shin that stays on topic? New. Like it.

Ow ya nasty aight What if it does not apeel to anybody?

@Shin ...insecure about your banana?

I would rather go for a beer with Alex, than nobody. Or nothing. Where's the fun in that?

@seeking_brilliance to understand this you would have to completely destroy the illusion and then rebuild it from scratch. Not talking sitting in your room, doing your little meditations and contemplating your own death. Talking about literally going out there and destroying your life. Slowly, over time. Until there is nowhere left to go, nothing left to do. Literally. Actually. For real. That's not how you get enlightened. @zeroISinfinity ignorance is bliss. I am Ivan. I love music. I live in the middle of nowhere. I do nothing else. Nothing does everything else. enlightenment is not a goal or destination.

@Joker_Theory Push with respect towards the experiencer. (the ego, the body) Honor the process and the one who's going through it. Psychedelics are not bad. Wonderful, helpful tool. However; misinterpretation of mystical experiences can be dangerous if the mind takes things to the extreme. It cannot wrap itself around itself. Or infinity. Can hurt itself in the process. To me; everyday life is integration. It's constant. It is merely a matter of becoming aware of what's already happening. Grounding it all in the center.

@DrewNows Nope, just an ego

@Bill W Lots of my posts fly over my own head but I sure have posted even more heart centered stuff. I aim to nudge with this one. Thanks! @ColdFacts No shortcuts. Substance can give a glimpse or two, dissolve blockage. But it all comes down to grounding and integration. Which is ongoing and constant. That is how real mastery is achieved. Much love.

@zeroISinfinity You're full of shit, Alex. I guess nothingness loves spending time on this forum, speaking nonsense. Has nothing else to do. No one here is nothing. Nor will ever be. Whoever claims that, they also eat horseshit for dinner. Ridiculous. Only nothing is nothing. And it's not hijacking enlightenment forums to let everyone know. Love and light tho, bro. Purge well.

@zeroISinfinity well cool. good luck with the annihilation thing. tell death I said hi. i'm done dying for nothing ❤️

@zeroISinfinity what you call the devil is your shadow. devil exists in hell only. and that too is to be transformed. loved. thrown down it may seem. until you make your way up again. unconditional love cannot be abused. abuse does not exist if grounded in heart. abuse exists in dormant stages of evolution. the purgatory.

@abrakamowse jesus on the cross said; "father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - forgiveness. compassion. love. and then he also said; "father, why have you forsaken me?" - separation. suffering. ego. one breath. one being.