ivankiss

You are not bigger than anything, nothing is bigger than you.

Moving on has become less strange. What had to be left behind is slowly but surely fading away. Like a dying star. Once reality - now a memory. And not even that. I still wake up and fall asleep thinking about her. She's still wandering in my mind. I still don't know the truth. I still don't have the answers. I spent two years with this woman and now nearly six months away from her... And I still have no fucking clue who she is. I don't think she knows it either. Such is deceit. It's been a wild journey, to say the least. These last couple of months have been filled with all kinds of challenges, traps, tests. My new life in Amsterdam is a dream, a nightmare. Organized chaos. Heaven and hell. A story filled with horror and delight. I've burned all my bridges. There is no going back from here, and it's no accident, really. I've chosen this path, consciously, deliberately and on purpose, and I would choose it all over again, a million more times. Nothing else seems worthwhile, or even worthy of consideration. This is what's meant for me. This is my will. This is my fate. And there's no one else here but me. Not a single familiar face or voice. Not a single known thing or being. Pure, unknown wilderness. Raw and untested. Uncharted territory. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. On all levels of being. I stopped counting the breakthroughs, level ups, upgrades and updates. Awakenings and transformations. At this point, the expansion is pretty much continuous, uninterrupted. Does this mean life is all rainbows and butterflies? Of course not. I said there was growth and expansion. Which means there is pain, fear and struggle as well. How else could it be... I got rid of the Polish ex gang leader, at least for a week. He's gone to some other place. Might not ever see him again. I kind of hope I won't. We did become good friends in these past couple of weeks, and we helped each other out quite a bit... However, it's clear as day to me that I must keep my distance. We are coming from two different worlds, and I know how that story usually ends. All in all, all is well. I am determined to face and overcome any and all obstacles of delusion, and I welcome all trials and tribulations with an open heart. I am armed, guarded and protected. I've got big guns behind me. God is on my side. I feel it, I know it. Commitment. Devotion. Passion. Love. I am on track and I know I am heading towards victory and glory. The ultimate wish fulfilment. The dream come true. Whatever and whoever tried to stop me, failed miserably. I have simply become too powerful. Too focused. Unshakable. Immovable. Immutable. Nothing can ever stop me now. Yet being stopped before getting a chance to taste the fruit made of all this blood, sweat and tears... is what I fear the most.

I have every right and all the reasons to be proud of myself. And I won't lie, it feels fucking good. But that's not where this ends. A wounded ego is not a joke. Yet it is more often than not met with only more ridicule and hate. The guts turn upside down and the entire nervous system gets fucked. Healing is long and painful. But after standing back up on your feet, reclaiming your power and celebrating your victory... You must find space for forgiveness, humility, compassion... That is what brings you back to the center of your being.

From. Fucking. Nothing.

A little birdie just landed on my shoulder and told me that I'm about to receive a giant gift by the end of this week. Must humble myself a bit and stay in an open, receptive state and not fuck this up. Because it's truly a blessing.

For my grand finale, as a symbol of my victory, I am planning a short but glorious little concert, in the heart of Amsterdam, more precisely in Rijksmuseum. Don't worry, it will be documented. But shhh. This is our little secret. You know nothing.

Btw, I am simultaneously working on two, not one, but two breath takingly beautiful original pieces. While also learning Lacrimosa by Mozart. I'll throw you a short audio soon. I promise.

Polish friend insists on me coming back to the hostel. Says the Slovenian girl was asking about me, wants to see me. But I feel like it's more about him. Italian girl texted, we both couldn't make it yesterday, but it's all nice and cool. We will meet at some point for sure. If nothing else, I at least want to collaborate with her professionally. She's a great photographer. Like, really great. Kind of hit the pause on our conversation with my ex yesterday. I don't want this to become a standard now. We can't be in touch all the time. It would not have a positive affect on me. It would make me too soft. And that's just to name a few that are pulling on my strings right now. But don't worry, I'm not too bothered. I am at peace, I am in love. I am on point.

Today I was reminded what bliss tasted like. It's delicious as fuck.

I hope you're all enjoying the show. Because you could not handle actuality. That is why I packed this so carefully and so cleverly, in such a way that it reveals to you what a judgmental narrow minded idiot you are, gradually, over time, instead of dropping it on you all at once. You simply could not take it. That's right. I care not only for my personal success and evolution, but for your awakening as well. No matter how illusory or paradoxical that may be. It's far more twisted than you think.

Yesss, the birds are chirping, pleasant breeze, no noisy traffic and stupid tourists... Just lovely.

And I made it. I'm on the country side. There's only greenery around me. Super kind staff too. Very cheap. Have a real good feel about my stay here! It's too beautiful and too peaceful!

Too! Much! Power!

It's also scary how timeless and free I feel right now.

I got my holiday allowance. Felt like giving back a bit. And I know she's not earning much. But yeah. Don't judge. I'm going kind of retarded today. I'm aware.

She's on the beach. I bought her ice cream an aperol spitz. Her favorite. How, you ask? She's still uses the same wise account. Wired her 20 bucks. Of course she melted.

With these hands, I could change the world More than gold, more than I deserve I'm a wealthy man, I am loved Tell me hope's not lost

Give me heresy We were never told the truth The world that spoke, calm these hands Before they can reach your throat Give me eyes to see her never growing old Good news They hope you choke Take heart It's all fool's gold

Feed my soul Marigold And I'd rather starve than choke what's killing me down

Leave me there Pockets full of empty air Paying my penance, curse this prayer Regret never touched me 'Cause she will stay Dressed in choices that I made Head like a king, but crown like a gravestone Don't touch me

Feed my soul Force a smile, ignore the hole Wishing like hell that I was still god With nothing above me Read my eyes Weary lines Taking what's mine Just soil below and nothing above me

Take it all I never needed any more Than days on days and gentle nights When nothing could stop me Keep it safe Take its secrets to the grave When I was the king Just for that one day When nothing could stop me

Good news is, it is still payday, and that's of course my favorite day. About to set things in motion, any moment now...

Well this morning started fun. Guess who I bumped into? That's right. The crazy little blondie that I had to run from. She wanted to talk, of course. And I was like, nah, thanks, I'm good. Bye. Haha! And then guess who texted me again? Yup. My ex. She sent a picture in a bikini too. The fuck is going on?!

Mmm. I love the sound of a metronome. Truly.