ivankiss

@Joker_Theory Hi there! I am glad you liked the post. On the spiritual path one often hears about "light". But it's something else to experience it directly. And there are degrees even to that. I like using phrases like "stepping into the light" or "walking into the light"... Stuff like this can hardly be explained. That is why I prefer poetic expression. When you reach a certain frequency - shall I say - level of consciousness; there is nothing but light. No colours. No sound. No air. No time and no space. It's beyond any description. That is the Source of all of my downloads. The all seeing eye. The all knowing mind. Wouldn't call myself a nondualist tho. Seems kinda funny. I just share what comes to me. I love music and enjoy exploring consciousness, that's it The Quantum field is everything around you, including you. It is dressed up as all of us. As everything. It is a multidimensional field where everything occurs. It is that which is beneath the camouflage, if you will. But that's just another label, you see. Just like "nothingness". It all depends on how you view these words and what they mean to you. To me; true, actual "nothingness" is that which I cannot be aware of, ever. As there is simply no awareness in it or outside of it that could be aware of it. Otherwise it would be somethingness. "Nothing" is unknown. Unseen. It's the black forever. Nonexistence. Other people, here and elsewhere, use this word for describing what I'd call "emptiness". The silence of the mind. No thought, no emotion. No imposition. No perception either, perhaps. Again; all comes down to your interpretation. "We are all Gods of our own Universe" - meaning; we are creators of our realities. We are all of One Source and ever-connected, but we operate on different frequencies. Come from different dimensions. Have different purposes. Work on different projects. That is why "my reality" might be completely different than "your reality". What works in my universe might not work in yours. Two are One, but not the same. The subconscious mind, the body and everything else is a component of the Universe. Us "coming together" and interacting is "The Multiverse". Multifaceted and crystallized in the eternal NOW. There is nothing "outside of us". Nothing outside of this moment. This right here is where the entire cosmos is born. All the stars, planets and galaxies are right here, right now. It's just a matter of shifting to, or tuning into the experience of those or anything else. Regardless - whatever you do, wherever you go; it will always happen in this precise moment. Hope that hits some nails, hah! Much love.

Blocked throat chakra, perhaps. Are you expressing yourself freely? Speaking your truth? Do you speak confidently? It could be a sign of you holding back. Also; it could be anything else. Vocal exercise (singing) could help. Investigating why you're holding back on your expression, too.

You are being shown what needs to be healed. You already said "yes" to love. Your job now is to love (accept) everything that arises. It will seem counterintuitive and challenging, but all you must really do is allow and hold space. Don't resist. It's all love dressed up as something other than love. Let it all be. That is how you transform.

Here's something fun to ponder; We are all actually coming from different dimensions. We are messengers of Light. Beings of various densities. There is no 3rd dimensional reality, as we know it. There is an infinitely intelligent quantum field, where messengers of Light come together and report cosmic news. Exchanging data. It's happening so fast. Too fast for eyes to see. We are all Gods of our own Universe. This right here is the Multiverse. The entire Cosmos. We are multidimensional travelers. We travel into the past. Into the future. And we do it all NOW.

@dimitri If they do not choose to match higher vibrational realities or are not yet aware of the choice that they have; they will simply go on to experience what is relevant for them. Until they wake up and choose differently. We all go through this. That is why you do not really have free will until you become aware that you do The uplifting thing is a bit paradoxical, you see. I could raise my frequency high and have an experience of everyone around me being uplifted. But from their point of view; it could seem any other way. To me they are "somebody else". To them - I am. Around me is not the same as around you. (Cuz relativity) That is why it is important that we all wake up, individually and collectively.

I am here to document and share my process of evolution. Also; to learn, improve, help and have fun.

A wise one once said to me: "A nice way to wake up is to make your dreams come true"

@Space You can think of every character you encounter as a flashcard. Furthermore; every new moment is a new flashcard. Each moment that passes through awareness is a reality on its own. Whole and complete. Perfect and unique. You can bless a person. You can bless a tree. You can bless a statue. You can bless a whole city. You can bless reality as a totality. When you do that - silently or aloud; you cultivate the vibration of peace, love and compassion within your being. Ofcourse; there are degrees to this. It's something to be mastered. After a while it just becomes natural. A constant. It is no longer a practice, rather; a state of being. Just like meditation. Hope that clarifies... and thanks

I stepped into the Light

@Consilience @Tai ❤??

Long story short... I went through heaven and hell with this girl... It was an "us vs. the world" type of scenario. At least up until recently. Was it toxic? Heck yeah. Was it beautiful and unlike anything before? It was. There is an undeniable, deep soul connection. We know and understand each other on so many levels. But we are also perfect opposites. It can get overwhelming. Our fire has burnt everything to the ground. It was needed tho. From a soul perspective it's the most beautiful thing we could've done for each other, at this particular time of our journeys. And we're both aware of that. On a personal level tho, things are not so bright and clear. I am deeply hurt. During this intense three year period we spent six months silently hating each other. Neglecting and ignoring the crap out of our relationship. Even though we were still living together. It was during this time - when we weren't showing each other any affection and did not bother to give each other any attention, that she started texting several dudes quite...um...passionately. Sexting; to be precise. My world shattered when I found out. My heart broke to a million pieces. In my mind... We we're going to work it out, somehow. I felt like we were just going through a phase. I wanted to give us some time and space. I never thought she'd go in that direction. I know we should've communicated things... but it just wasn't possible during those six months. We weren't able to listen to each other without being triggered af. So... here we are. Still walking our paths side by side. I am paranoid, afraid and unable to trust her fully. Obviously. I have never been cheated on before. It sucks ass. Her excuse is that it was only digital. It meant nothing. She was afraid of being left all alone. She needed attention. Wanted to feel like someone's there for her. Can protect and secure her. In my eyes; I was there for her all along, to the best of my abilities. I did the best I could. Always had her back, even if I was seemingly distant. Nowadays, things are looking good. There's still passion. Perhaps an even deeper connection. Laughter. Tears. Communication. But I am unable to give my whole self again. A part of me is always holding back. Afraid of being hurt, played and humiliated, again. What are your thoughts? Has anyone here gone through this process? Forgiving a cheater? Is once a cheater really a cheater forever? Have we expired? Or should I shift the way I see things? Approach it all differently? Thanks.

I don't think fear of being alone is the issue here. I grew up without both of my parents. I've been by myself most of my life. I am very comfortable with solitude. However, it would sure take some getting used to after these three years. Wouldn't say neediness is the problem, either. Although I have developed a certain amount of attachment. And we were codependent quite a bit. To me real strength is not about keeping a safe distance and being afraid to tie bonds. Rather, it's about being willing to commit ,dive in fully and even develop attachments - knowing that everything eventually comes to an end. Being courageous enough to feel what comes with the pain of loss. My deal here is hope and wonder. I wonder if this can go somewhere nice. Is there something more to us? I hope it does not end like this - with betrayal and disrespect.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and views. It helps. I don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff atm. The decision is mine and I am obviously not certain about things. I need to heal and allow myself to feel everything that comes up - that's for sure. I'm just not sure if healing completely is possible while I'm still around her. It feels like that's something I should be doing on my own. Plus, she does not seem to be showing any regret. No remorse. Almost as if what she did was totally fine and even to be expected. And in a way that might be true... I am trying my best to see and understand her side of the story as well. I don't want to make a victim out of myself. I know I contributed to the end result. But I can't deny how I feel. We were both neglecting each other. Why is she the only one who crossed the line by pulling others into the picture? How come I did not go there? Even when shit seemed hopeless, I stayed true, loyal and respectful. Doesn't that mean something? Isn't that a sign? An indicator? On the other hand; I can also see how going through this could make us stronger. Pull us closer. Once we heal, I can see how this could become something minor. Not a big deal. But it would be nice to see her showing some willingness to admit her mistakes. Not just verbally, but rather through her behavior. Her acting like it's all cool makes my pain seem insignificant. Unnecessary. She doesn't seem to care or sympathize much. I'm getting a "you had it coming" vibe, often. And I know that's because she's hurt too, in her own way. Maybe even ashamed - to the point where she's being protective of her side of the story and not being able to acknowledge mine, fully. Regardless, we did talk alot. We did find a common ground. We expressed our sorrow, maturely. Maybe time is all that's needed. What I value in our relationship is the fact that we got to see both sides of ourselves. The worst and the best. To me it seems like the darkness we went through brought a depth to our relationship. Our roots go real deep. And on the surface, we did not blossom fully, just yet. We both had a lot to resolve, untangle and heal from the very beginning. We both had a lot of baggage from our past. And we helped each other. Been there for each other. Even if things were not ideal. It's been a bumpy ride, but we made it far. I cannot deny I would love to see us overcoming this. In moments of peace, things are really nice. It's not like we don't know happiness at all. It's here and it's beautiful. It's just not a constant. Love is unconditional. Even the nasty stuff should be loved and accepted. Right? Don't we all have a dark side? Don't we all want to be accepted fully, just the way we are? Where do you draw the line? Do you, at all? I don't know... I might be running after a train that's already left. Will see. I am willing to give things a bit more time and space to play out. I don't want to jump to concussions just yet. I'd be acting from a place of hurt and confusion. Thanks again everyone. Luv ya.

@Shin Is it twisted that I can see beauty in toxicity?

Some of you may have read my "hospital trip report". It was my very first post here. I don't think I gave it justice back then. I still had a few steps to make in order to see the picture clearly. Still, to this day I have no explanation of what went down that night. I cannot rationalize the experience. It was way too much. Way over the top. It left a mark, for sure. I was and still am traumatized by the event. Can't deny. I did trip on acid and shrooms a handful of times afterwards. But this strange sensation would not allow me to surrender fully and explore the magic freely. Somewhere deep down I was always afraid. Now the tricky part is explaining what it is that I am afraid of exactly. I struggle pointing at it. Precisely because I struggle explaining what I went through on that terrifying night. But I know when I "go there". I know how it feels. I know where it leads. It is not just death. It is beyond death. Yet there still seems to be annihilation. Destruction. Dematerialization. Reality falls apart. Quite literally. It is torn apart, to be precise. Parallel realities start merging. I become aware of all of them. To the point where I am literally there, in all of them. Imagine having your TV screen split to a million parts; each playing a different movie. It's kinda like that. The mind starts freezing. Time is long gone. No sense of linearity or a continuum, whatsoever. Then...Everything is pulled to the center and it burns...it burns so bad. I cannot imagine anything more painful. All there is left is pure light. No individual. No being. No reality. No issness and no amness. No breath, even. Only light; crossing its own path. Swirling. Until it stops. And then there is nothing. No light. No sound. No sensation. Absolutely nothing. And I have no idea how it is that I know about it. It should be impossible. At that point, there is no more awareness to be aware of anything - including nothing. It's just infinite, black nonexistence. Unknown and unseen. It's Source. Why the heck does this happen? Why can't I trip normally, like everyone else? Simply explore magical realms, dimensions and all the wonders of existence? Even very low doses can trigger me into that shit...whatever it is. I went through it once completely sober, as well. It often feels like I'm tripping even without taking any substances. Why? It has crossed my mind that perhaps I'm "too conscious" as I am. And consuming psychedelics catapults me stright into nothingness; destroying everything. Maybe psychedelics are not relevant to me. Maybe I should just explore life and its magic naturally; sober. Or is this paralyzing fear all that's "in my way" ? Something in me wants to trip. But it would be nice to have something...Anything...That is...Not being torn apart. A reality. An experience. An experiencer. The biggest paradox is that in that precise moment of terror I seem to be left with no choice. If I surrender - I surrender myself to fire. If I don't - I still burn. Suffering and destruction seems to be inevitable. Choice is only born once I am one with nothing; Stay eternally still and silent or reconstruct everything from scratch and give birth to existence once again? I chose to be here. Help?

@mandyjw Beautiful. Thank you.

@exhale In a way it was a psychotic breakdown, yes. At least that time I landed in a hospital. But there was also much more to it. I became aware of so much. Too much at once, obviously. And I wasn't even "seeking truth" or any of that. It all just happened on its own. @purerogue Not sure if explaining the experience away is what I need. It's impossible. Even in this post I said too much. All there really was...was just a structure that structures itself. And deconstructs itself. Over and over again. Me trying to step in its way is what caused all the pain. I guess. What I need is this. Opening up and sharing. I heal through expression, the fastest. @DrewNows Thank you. That makes sense. Setting is a huge factor, I know. Intention, as well. I guess I needed to go through it the way I did tho. I took away alot. No matter how terrifying it was. @electroBeam Even if they are meant to hurt, which is arguable, are they meant to completely tear reality down? Haha. If so, then heck, its really not for me. I had beautiful, amazing moments on shrooms and lsd, as well. It was not all just suffering. But I sense I could deepen the magic. Go further into wonder and beauty. If only I could release this fear I carry around. Hence my post.

@mandyjw In that precise moment; pain, agony and terror. Otherwise I have mixed feelings about it. At times I'm terrified, other times amazed. I can sense things shifting internally now, as I shared this. It helps. I am simply here to experience life. @Raptorsin7 Well, to me, posting something like this here is a part of my "shadow work." It's about transforming fear. Shining light onto the darkness, if you will. So that once an aspect is healed, I can move on freely - however that may look. @Serotoninluv Thanks, that was quite soothing. You're right - I definitely have a heavy, serious approach to things at times. I do want to experience lighter states. And I also do, quite often. This is just how my process of transformation looks like. Appreciate your help.

This thread is a backlash. You struggle to let go of an idea. No one is supreme. No one's sitting on the throne. I am genuinely concerned about a few individuals on this forum. You might end up hurting yourself bad. Be careful.

Meeting yourself.

There is no now without past and future.

Have you seen this? Have you heard about it? I'm sure you have. It's been a trend for the longest time now. "It's all an illusion." "None of this is real." "You don't exist." "I don't exist." Yadayadayada. If you spent some time on the spiritual path, you yourself probably went through this phase. Hopefully, you came out the other side and are now having a sweet laugh at it all. I am. But I also cannot help myself but see a huge flaw in all those teachings. And I don't give a crap about how ancient they are and how proven to be effective. Perhaps it's time for a renewal. An upgrade. An improvement. Perhaps there is a new wave of conscious beings who feel the same way. Who smell something funny about it all. Who see past the limitations of the old ways. What I share with you comes from direct experience. Always has. Always will. I care little to nothing about what Buddha said. Or some guru. I care about actuality. Consciousness. Reality. And that is - thank God, right in front of my face. I don't need anyone to tell me all about it. That can be interesting, entertaining and even helpful. But none of it is true until my direct experience confirms so. And my direct experience says; This is all fucking real. You are very, very real. Everything is real. As real as it could possibly get. It's so real it's called "Reality". Everything is exactly as it is. The past is real. The future is real. It's all real, now. All the "storylines in your mind" are real. Everything that has ever happened to you is abso-fucking-lutely real. Even thinking it wasn't real, is real. It's all happening, right now, in this precious moment. To say that it's all just a story and it never really happened is to disrespect the one who has survived it. And that's far from Enlightenment. Far from mastery. Far from liberation. Thoughts are real. Emotions are real. The mind is real. Beliefs are real. Perspectives are real. None of that is holding you back. None of that is the issue. There are no anomalies. No errors. Nothing to kill or destroy. There are no tricks. There are no freakin' illusions. There are no enemies. There are no devils. There are no nasty, evil egos who are working hard, day and night to prevent you from reaching your enlightenment. None of that fucking bullshit. What there is...is you...afraid and unwilling to be real and honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel into what already is, fully. To allow it all to be exactly as it is. To commit to it. To embrace it. To immerse into it. To stop avoiding, denying, judging, criticizing, demonizing, blaming, hating, fearing and dissecting yourself under a microscope because of your inability to feel just the way you feel, consciously. To be just as you are. To let go of all this spiritual mumbo jumbo crap and do what really matters. What's actually real and here, begging for your attention. To be You. Do you dare to feel it all, be it all, experience it all, hold space for it all, love it all, transform it all? Or do you wanna play hide and seek some more? Chase your own tail? Learn a few more spiritual kung fu moves? Theorize and fantasize about nothing? Are you here to deny or to embrace? Are you here to life fully, or to avoid life by declaring none of this is real? Are you here to go through it all bravely, with your heart wide open or to pretend like you're not even here? Are you grateful for this miracle called life? Are you even aware of the magnitude of it all? Can you see how impossible this is, yet it still is; perfect and unspeakable? Are you here? Are you really awake? Are you truly free? Are you walking your talk? Are you happy about yourself and your life or are you living an illusion?

Just let your voice out freely, with confidence. Do not care about how it sounds or how it is perceived by others. Just let it out. Find your natural resonance. Do not force anything, or try to sound like anything/anybody. Your voice sounds best when you are expressing your truth. Breathe deep. Focus on your diaphragm. Avoid nasality and too much vocal fry. Encourage chest resonance. Ground your voice. Relax into the words you're speaking. A good exercise is speaking deliberately on exhale only. That way you'll get the feel of it and know how to relax into your speach, naturally. You must eliminate all tension from your throat and vocal chords. Speak with your whole body. Be proud of your unique tone. It's yours, only.

When you conclude something is illusory, what are you comparing it to? If you are fully present and conscious of the moment, there simply is no time and no space for an illusion to occur. You are one with it. It's all alive and vibrant. It's all real and actual. Conscious. I realize not all of you see what I'm saying here. And that's ok. It is not my intention to prove anything or change anyone's mind. As always, my intention is to nudge and remind those who resonate. Who feel close to what I share. I could go real deep and talk about frequencies, vibration, shifts, light, densities and completely leave out all aspects that remind you of being human. But that would fly even more over your heads. It would not hit the nail. Instead, I use words and statements in a down to earth manner, that are made of the particular frequencies I want to demonstrate. That way, just by reading my post, you can climb up the ladder, find peace and surrender to the moment. That is, if you recognize and accept the invitation. What you take away depends on where you are on your path.

@Nahm You are. Some may see, others may not.