ivankiss

Do you feel like you're lacking something? Is there anything you think you need in order to be whole and at peace? I often find myself in that spot. I miss someone, something... to complete me. To make me whole. To encourage me. To empower me. To understand me. I miss having that one true friend. I miss having that lover who sees into my soul. I miss a shoulder to cry on. I miss a father figure. An emotionally available mother. I miss knowing what it's like to have a family. I miss the sense of belonging somewhere. I miss knowing what it's like to achieve my goals. To realize my visions and dreams. To do what I said I would do. I miss a lot of stuff. Not all the time... But when I do; it's always heavy on my heart. I feel so alone. Deep down I always have. I struggle to face reality. I am afraid of The Truth. I know what I'm looking for is not there. No one will ever understand me. No one will ever see me as I am. No one will ever love me for who I am. Only I can do that. I don't know how. But I know I can. What I'm really missing is myself. What I'm truly lacking is a portion of my awareness that's wandering and seeking for something other than what's already here. It's not in the past. It's not in the future. It's not in that person. It's not in that dream or goal. It's right here in me. I am home. All alone. Best start loving it.

Thank you. Be blessed.

@cetus God bless his soul.

I would not be caught dead saying to a child that's been held hostage and repeatedly abused; 'Drop your story honey. Don't get too attached now. The past never happened. You're just imagining it all.' Would you? Isn't that exactly how so many of us treat ourselves and others on this path? To me that's just insane. Cruel and abusive, even.

@Moksha I understand you. But that means nothing when you're in pain. That's not how you heal and rise to a 'higher state' - imo.

@Vibroverse Sure thing. In a way; that's exactly what I'm doing here. Precisely. That is why trying to hide from adversity and act like nothing can touch me makes no sense to me. It's all a part of the journey. I remember choosing it all. Both the ugliness and the beauty. I wanted to live life fully. Yes, it is all my will and no I am not in God-mode all the time. I have shitty days sometimes. Shitty chapters. I feel weak and small sometimes. That's what I signed up for. The full spectrum. That's great. I do that too. Surrender can be paradoxical at times though. And it does not stop the fire from burning. Sometimes surrender looks just like this. Bitching and moaning about how shitty life seems to be right now. Sometimes that's exactly what you need to surrender yourself to. Feel me? Accepting so deeply you even accept the part of yourself that thinks it's all crap. Acknowledging and validating its point of view. I assume I'm not the only one who has fallen into the trap of 'I cannot think, feel or act this way because that's not spiritual.' Not a fun spot to be in. Thanks for your thoughts. Love you too. I commit 100% to my experiences. To me; that is the ultimate level of acceptance and in a sense; freedom as well. I fear no attachment. I know I can face the pain of loss. God is so damn free it limits itself on every corner. You might be onto something Hang in there buddy. It's just a phase.

@zeroISinfinity Was not trying to point directly at you. Was speaking generally. True. You can love to the max. And pain is here to remind you just how powerful your love can be, if you accept the invitation. @Vibroverse I get what you mean. It's just not how I view and understand compassion. No slapping, no cockiness, no arrogance. Rather; genuine heart-to-heart connection.

In my world; a true zen master gives a voice to the ones in pain. He does not hover above. He does not belittle their experience. He meets them where they are at and guides them back to the Light. Everyone has been in pain at one point, in one way or another. Why cannot pain be acknowledged as a part of God, too? It pisses me off when I see people on this path who are in denial of life. As if including that would make them seem less godly or something.

@Nahm Would a zen master slap someone who's in pain?

I die and am reborn faster than I can blink. But that's not what I want to touch upon here. I aim to point at actual physical death. More precisely; the experience of it. Not an ego death. Not a psychological death. The kind of death when you're ran over by a bus. I don't want to go too deep into it in this post, nor do I want to claim with 100% certainty that my view on this is 'true'. I just want to share how I experienced this and maybe see if anyone else here can relate. So in short; a few years ago I overdosed on a couple of different drugs at once and I died in my room. It was extremely painful, slow and messy. I had a heart attack and that was it. Game over. The world shut down. It was not consciously 'planned' on my behalf. I was not suicidal. What I was though, was incredibly irresponsible and stupid. So needless to say; when I realized that I overdosed and that I'm actually dying I resisted it as if...well...my life depended on it. The terror I felt is beyond any description. While I was dying; the entire structure of reality was revealed to me. Layer by layer. I saw it all and knew it all in an instance. More precisely; I remembered it all. The closer I was to actual death; the more I was conscious of everything. And I mean every fucking thing. All the why's, how's and what's. I was everything. My senses completely dissolved and eventually my heart stopped. It was as real as real gets. And then; nothing. And I mean absolutely nothing. The kind of nothing where there is no notion of nothing. Imagine infinite pitch blackness. Even that is more than the nothing I speak of. And then - after an infinite amount of timeless nothingness - something that I can only describe as 'the big bang' happened. Out of nothing; everything was born. At once. And it was done out of sheer will. Infinite Will. God's Will. My Will. It was deliberate and on purpose. I was back in my room. Back in my body. Lying on the floor where I died. As if nothing has ever happened. My senses razor-sharp. Everything was the same and nothing was the same. I was completely conscious of what went down and it all made perfect sense. I had no doubt and no question in my mind. The overall vibe of it all was like I was experiencing the afterlife. Heaven. I knew I was back in the game and for the first time ever saw it all for what it is. It was my Will. The rest of the story is irrelevant at this time. Since that experience; I am on a journey of integration, healing and also learning how to articulate what I went through more clearly and precisely. My theory here is that I died in one reality and then 'reincarnated' into a slightly different/altered version of it. Hypothetically; in the reality where I died; someone found my dead body, my family buried me and all that... But because from my point of view death is an illusion and I am actually immortal; life continued and I'm still breathing. All because of my Will. When you die; you actually die relative to that reality in which you've died. You move on to 'a new level' and from your perspective it's as if nothing has ever happened. Of course this is all just a complex of memories/ideas I have in my mind right now.. Nevertheless; there might be something to this experience of mine. I'm curious if anyone can relate? I have also experienced 'physical' death on 1 or 2 more occasions. But that was not nearly as raw and intense as my first experience. One could say the main difference was that in those later experiences death was kind of anticipated. I knew it was coming and kind of what to expect. Nevertheless; it was still terrifying. Such is death; imo. No matter how illusory or unreal it is; I don't see how death could actually be a pleasant experience. It goes against everything you are. The mind/body complex is an intricate system and it is wired to fight for its preservation. Survival. You may think you are ready to surrender... But when the moment comes; it's a different story. Nevertheless; if anyone here has had a nice experience of dying... I'd be more than happy to read your story and consider your views. Peace.

@Vibroverse That would make sense, yes. Have you experienced frequency singularity? As well as the 'branching out' of vibrational information? Polarization? You know I mean? That very first projection of Light. From nothing to everything.

@The Buddha Watched it already. Good stuff. Thank you

@James123 Again; it's not that what you're saying is wrong. It's just not backed up with actual experience. Otherwise you would not deny a huge portion of existence. (Yourself) The difference between you and me is that I can play your spiritual kung fu any time, but I also know how to heal my wounds. You (kinda) got the theory down. Lacking compassion and acceptance. Just my thoughts tho.

In a sense, yes. Not just then, but even with every breath we take. However; that's not the kind of death I'm referring to here.

True. Deep sleep = wide awake. It's just that no one knows about it Yup. Resonates quite nicely. I'd say it's a fine balance between committing to the role you play and seeing through it all. Great introspection btw. Good for you!

@wesyasz That could be tha case, yes. That's precisely why I'm addressing these thoughts and feelings. No other way around it. @seeking_brilliance Very inspiring. Can relate. Both to the highs and lows. But I feel like this time around I'm dealing with something deeper. Sure; it would be very nice to have all those surface level things I mentioned. But really, it all comes down to fear of being. Not just being Ivan. Being all of it, at once. Even the dark side of everything. @James123 Nonsense, sorry. I see no transcendence in your words. I see denial and airy-fairy talk. You lost everything? Everything but the comfort of your home and your internet connection? C'mon dude. 'There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.' @Someone here Yeah, I'd say it's both. Always being and forever becoming/changing.

@wesyasz Exactly. The common question here is; how do you know you were in 'deep sleep' if you had no awareness of anything or any reference point? And my answer would be; I don't know. I wasn't aware. But I was as aware as it gets right 'before' I was devoured by 'The Void'. And I was just as aware right 'after' I became conscious again. Also; being is deeper than awareness of being.

@James123 This is how surrender is playing out for me. I let it all be. I don't negate or deny anything. Let me put it this way; If someone was to cut you real deep with a knife... Would you say 'there is no I to feel this pain' ? Would you hover above life then? Or would you try to stop the bleeding? Clean the wound and put a bandage over it? It's all cool while we sit in our room and pretend to be enlightened. Life is another story.

@seeking_brilliance Bless you ❤ @James123 If only it was that simple... 'You' are not the one that lets go of anything. You are all of it. Face it, accept it, show it Love. Then it will 'let go' of you.

Pretty sure. I know how to get there, but I don't know how to stay. For some reason I keep abandoning myself. @Muhammad Jawad What do you miss brother? @seeking_brilliance Thanks, that's very nice of you. I understand what you mean. I heal myself by giving a voice to the part of me that's wounded. Whether it's through my music or through threads like this. It just wants to be heard and acknowledged. It wants to feel like it matters. Like it's not less than anything. Like its experience is just as valid and important as all the other shiny, transcendental stuff I often speak of. Thing is; sometimes I don't even know how to articulate these feelings. Words just don't give it justice. It can be quite paralyzing. I feel devastated. Exhausted. Betrayed. Fooled. Neglected. Abandoned. Humiliated. Heavy stuff... @Just Timothy Feel ya. But what happens when you descend? @Tim Ho We already are. It can only seem as if we're not. Hella convincing, but not the case. @acidgoofy ❤

That which has never begun cannot end.

It's just thoughts. Much like anything you experience in your 'waking state'. Just different densities. All happening within consciousness.

Exactly. Nothing... 'and then' BAM. Again; Infinite Will. There is no real 'how'. From the how's point of view; it happens backwards. (@nahm?) Retrospectively. I can retrace my steps, so to speak. And it was undeniably obvious when I took the first step - if you know what I mean. To put it bluntly; I just really, really wanted to be here and go through this journey. A true miracle indeed

@Muhammad Jawad That was an awesome read. Thank you for sharing. And thank you @abrakamowse for connecting the dots ❤ Definitely can relate. Especially regarding instant manifestation. Thinking reality into existence - in real time. Every single thought I had materialized instantly. It's something that sounds like a true superpower... But it freakin' scared the crap out of me. I was not able to handle that kind of a power and freedom. My fears got the best of me. Hence my 'terrifying' experience. I look at it as a major purification. A lesson. A blessing. Thanks again. Much love and respect to you. @wesyasz That's very cool. Thanks. To be honest; was not expecting others to relate to this experience. It's great to see that some can. Well, I did experience complete disintegration without drugs as well. But as I mentioned - that was not as intense and mind-blowing as my first experience. I merged with infinite Love and Bliss too, but not before facing my biggest fears. Those were the barriers. I call them 'the guardians of exits'. Thank you! Glad you find the I information valuable. Infinite Nothingness is Infinite Will itself. The 're-emergence' was like a massive explosion of Source-energy. Felt like I literally was 'the big bang'. It was a pulse of Will. Pure Nothingness is a frequency singularity. No distortion whatsoever. There was no thought processing, or any other processing for that matter. Only stillness and silence. That is exactly what infinite freedom is. Out of nothing anything can be born. Love.

It might be difficult for me to describe it all precisely from my current state of consciousness, and there's a lot to be said... but I'll try to summarise; First I lost the sense of self. I could not tell left from right, up from down. Did not know who or where I was. It was literally as if someone clicked the delete button. My senses started dissolving. Melting into this giant sea of information. There was no difference between seeing or hearing, touching or smelling. It was all one and the same. At a certain point there was no possibility for me to do anything that I did not see happen beforehand. It's very tricky to describe since my perception of time was long gone at this point. I can only describe it as zooming out and being simultaneously conscious of many different parallel realities. Seeing them all clear as day. As clearly as I see this very moment. I felt it all at once. I literally was all of it at once. Felt like I was popping in and out of existence at the speed of light. I was and I was not, simultaneously. It's one thing to know it; but experiencing it is something totally different. Do you know how white feels? Everything was pure white. It's funny when I say it now, but that's what I experienced. It was all happening to itself, through itself and for itself. I'd describe it as some sort of a self-correcting code. I cannot emphasize enough how precise it was. The biggest trip about it is that I was conscious of it all being my will, but I could not change anything. It was all meant to be. I had no full access to the Source. That is; until everything shut down completely. Hope you can extract anything valuable from that. I'm not saying that's how it is for sure. It's just how I experienced it. Someone else who had a similar experience might articulate it differently. Ime; after death you have the absolute freedom to do whatever the heck. But since you're infinitely conscious and intelligent at that point; you must likely will not 'return' to something that has served its purpose. Unless there's some 'unfinished business'. Feel me? Please don't believe me haha. And don't harm yourself. I would not like to repeat this experience of mine ever again. It was not pleasant at all - to say the least. Go slow, step by step. Respect your boundaries.